AB15

Tattoos and Spandex

Your Aberdeen

Pro Wrestling At Garthdee

Aberdeen

Troops’

Homecoming

March

DECEMBER 2011

Your Aberdeen

Yellow Spandex and Blood-Thirsty Grandmothers.Wrestle Zone at Garthdee pg 4

Your Drinking

The MooringsDJ Flash Interview - pg 16

Liquid Going under? pg 22

Drinking GamesThe Expendables. A drink per man gunned down by Stallone. How long will you last? pg 35

Mantalk!How to get her on board with naming the child Boba Fett. pg 40

StyleThe new Aberdeen kit and why you shouldn’t wear it pg 48

QuestionsWould you rather eliminate Jedward or the Go Compare Man?pg 50

AB15Contents

AB15Dec 2011

Gordon Highlanders’ Homecoming Parade pg 3

HOMECOMINGHundreds of people lined the streets to watch the homecoming parade of Aberdeen troops from Afghanistan.Family, friends and others lined up to see 500 soldiers march down Union Street.

During their 6-month deployment, the troops from the Highlanders, 4th Batallion, The Royal Regiment of Scot-land took on a number of rles including the training of Afghan troops.

The troops have been supporting the Royal Marine Commandos in the Helmand Province The homecoming

parade is am op-portunity for fam-ily and friends to show their support for the troops.

The wrestling ring was now occupied by a single man announcing that Santa Claus will be participating in tonight’s six-man tag team match. On followed a whaling sound from the speakers and a countdown from ten, the wrestlers emerged from a back room, circling the crowd one by one, taunting children, crippled old men and mothers. It was at this point the eight-year old sitting two chairs away started scream-ing for the blood of Rob Cage - a slightly obese wrestler wearing nothing more than tight yellow spandex y-fronts and yellow boots. It then became abundantly clear why some parents won’t allow their chil-dren to watch wrestling. Santa emerged, delighting the crowd with his company. Presents were given out, tinsel was placed along the ring and Santa jollily bellowed out “HO HO HO!” This made the children in the audience smile with glee. Minutes later Santa was pile-driving another wrestler.It had taken us a full fifteen minutes to find Inchgarth Community Centre in the middle of the labyrinth that is Garthdee. Upon finally arriving, we were met with a games hall filled with merchandise stands, people in wrestling masks and a large, colourful wrestling ring right in the centre. Two Wrestle Zone managers at the entrance asked each of us to pay ten pounds then gave a bewildered look after we’d paid it. Struggling through the line of fans wanting to buy giant foam fingers, we made it to our seats where we were met with a curious smell. It wasn’t potent, it just sort of lingered humbly around the section of the room we were in. It defi-nitely wasn’t good cheese, so it had to be bad meat. Sure enough, a man later emerged announcing that hot dogs were being sold at the back of the room.

Bright Spandex:The wrestlers at Christmas Chaos really want Santa’s

presents.

Tattoos and SpandexStep into Christmas by Elton john was now playing as we awaited the start of the show. This was part of Wrestle Zone’s effort to make it a Christmas show. There were four Christmas songs being played on a loop before the show began, after their second rep-etition in twenty minutes, the audience were getting the idea. A small boy was now becoming impatient and began hitting the man nest to him in the face with his giant foam finger. The man calmly ignored this as the child’s mother told the boy to stop.

As the show began, each wrestler was introduced and exhibited their individual characters. For those who were unfamiliar with these wrestlers and their background stories, such as myself, the good and bad were distinguished by who the crowd was booing and who they were cheering. Some of the characters included a corrupt wrestling manager in a suit, a 6ft wrestler with red hair, red clothes and a red beard called Scotty Swift and a pair of wrestlers dressed in all-in-one skin-tight orange clothing with orange wrestling masks called Loco Cystos. By the time the wrestlers had been introduced, the boy was back to hitting the man with the foam finger. This time the man shot the boy a dirty look and stared at him for about five seconds until the boy put down the finger and turned away to his mother.

Now the six-man tag team match was about to be-gin and Santa was engaging in some verbal jousting with a wrestling manager. If anything, Santa seemed to be more aggressive than the other wrestlers as he started to make threats with his sack of presents. Now the match was underway and the “Christmas Chaos” had begun. Scotty Swift was clotheslining a wrestler named Benjamin while Rob Cage was up against a corner being smacked in the face by Santa. From the angle we were seated at, it was completely visible that none of the punches were connecting. Raw Cage bent down and grabbed Santa’s legs in an attempt to pick him up, however as he began to rise he gave way and let go of Santa as he was clearly too heavy. The battle continued for a further five min-utes before Santa threw Cage from the ring, making

Santa and one member of Los Cystos the winners.From watching the matches there are certain things that can be deducted about wrestling. One of these is that a wrestler’s quality and persona is best displayed by the number of tattoos they have and the tightness of their underwear. The combined total of tattoos of the twelve wrestlers in the show would have been in the thirties at least.

Watching the wrestling, I also noticed that being called a “chicken” is the single greatest offense that can be dealt to a wrestler, seconded by “cheat”. Following Santa’s tag team match, a one- on-one match was to take place between wrestlers Johnny Lions and Davey Annan. Lions was announced first, clearly the more aggressive of the two, he emerged from the back to taunt the crowd then went back from whence he came to retrieve Annan, grabbing him

by the neck and dragging him to the ring. After being stamped in the face, Annan was running from the ring until Lions referred to him as a chicken, he then asked a fan to get up so he could use his chair to strike Lions. However, after battering Johnny Lions to the floor, the crowd called Annan a cheat for using the chair. A friend of mine later stated that he’d of felt sorry for him if he wasn’t wearing trousers with tassels.

After the match, an announcer said that there would be a ten-minute break. At this, I rose from my seat in dire need of the toilet. It was a desperate situation, I had needed to go since Santa had pile-drived his way to winning the tag-team match. Rushing past the merchandise stand I noticed the bright red John-ny Swift t-shirts were £20 each. I went through to an-other room where we had entered from and saw the toilets at the other end. To get there I first had to push past two groups of people who thrusted diet iron bru cans at me exclaiming that they were “only” £1.50. I finally arrived in a room with only two cubicles and no urinals. The room also contained a 6-person line and a foul smell that was almost certainly com-ing from the occupier of the left cubicle. A man two places ahead of me in the line said “Bet he had one

Adam Drew:“You owe me three hours of my life and a

tenner”