PresenceBringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges

By Amy Cuddy

For nearly five years, since the first day she entered graduate school at Princeton University, Amy Cuddy had prepared for this all-important moment: As a newly minted PhD, Dr. Cuddy was arriving at a high-profile networking event for academics in her field. After much rehearsal, Cuddy was looking forward to delivering her carefully crafted “elevator pitch” to key movers-and-shakers in the room, all in hopes of landing a tenure-track professorship at a top-ranked university. It was a make-or-break night.

On her way to the welcome dinner, Cuddy stepped from the lobby into a small elevator with three other people, all of whom were well-established figures in psychology. Cuddy had idolized all of them for years. With no introduction, one of the famous professors, a leading scholar from a top-flight school where Cuddy would have been delighted to land, casually turned to her and said:

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“Well, since we’re in an elevator, let’s hear your pitch.”

It turned out to be a defining moment for Cuddy; but not for any of the reasons she’d hoped.

Years later, in a now infamous TED Talk, Cuddy recalled her elevator story this way: “First, my face went hot; then my mouth went dry. I began my pitch, but by the end of the first sentence I knew that everything was going wrong. I was stammering so much I could barely follow my own story.” Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the doors opened. Cuddy remembers two of the passengers quickly scurrying off. Then the third one – the fellow who’d goaded Cuddy into giving her pitch – stepped just outside the elevator, turned back around and said flatly: “That was the worst elevator pitch I have ever heard.”

Yikes!

Later that evening, Cuddy’s well-practiced script

started coming back to her. But by then it was already too late. She’d blown a perfectly gift-wrapped opportunity, and she knew it.

Most of us have our own personal version of this story. We can relate to how Amy Cuddy was feeling at that moment in the elevator; and we can especially relate to her in the hours afterwards when our hero was filled with nothing but regret. Undoubtedly, that’s why her 2012 TED Talk resonated with so many people from so many different countries around the world (to this day, it remains the second-most viewed TED Talk in history). In fact, it was the unexpected popularity of her talk that prompted Cuddy to dig deeper into the question of why some of life’s biggest moments – the very moments that require us to be poised, polished and in control – so often leave us feeling powerless and disappointed. This ultimately led her to write this book.

“Presence stems from believing in and trusting yourself – your real, honest feelings, values, and abilities,” explains Cuddy. This is crucially important, she says, because really, if you don’t trust yourself how can others trust you?

Cuddy sets out to equip her readers with evidence-based tools and techniques for achieving real presence in the moments that matter. These are drawn both from the author’s own experience, as well as from interviews with executives, entrepreneurs and other professionals, who’ve found ways to liberate themselves from crippling fear and doubt and excel during the high-pressure moments that once terrified them. In this summary, we’ll learn about the most impactful approaches, including adjusting our body language, utilizing self-affirmations and modulating the way we speak (and listen).

But before we get into the meat of our

summary, let’s make sure we’ve got a common understanding of what Cuddy means by the term “presence,” and why it matters so much.

Is Presence A Real Thing?Admittedly, presence is kind of a fuzzy concept. Cuddy knows it can mean different things to different people. For some people, presence has an almost spiritual quality that tends to be connected with Eastern notions of “mindfulness,” which can be defined as “the ability to go through life with crystalline awareness, and to fully inhabit our lived experience.”

Lately, much has been written about the subject of mindfulness. And truth be told, we could probably all use a little more “Zen” in our lives. But that’s not the kind of presence Cuddy is talking about. As a scientist, Cuddy isn’t especially interested in metaphysical theories and spiritual awakenings. She’s into ideas that can be proven empirically –

with cold hard facts.

Cuddy’s fateful elevator meltdown prompted her to think about the “real world” implications of presence. At first, Cuddy struggled to find solid real world evidence to validate her hunch that presence is, in fact, a real thing. Then one fateful day, a student stopped by the lab to show Cuddy some interesting new data. This woman was investigating the way tech entrepreneurs make their pitches to venture capitalists, and how investors generally respond. After meticulously analyzing videos of 185 venture capital presentations – looking at both verbal and non-verbal cues – Cuddy’s friend had discovered the strongest predictor of who got the money was not the person’s credentials or the content of their pitch. Rather, the strongest predictors of who got funded were those who exhibited these three traits: confidence, comfort level, and enthusiasm.

In other words, those who succeeded were fully present, and their presence was palpable.

It may sound a bit trite that investors are more concerned with a seemingly trivial quality like an entrepreneur’s “presence,” as opposed to other factors, like the quality of their idea. But there’s a good reason why successful investors put their faith in people who project passion, confidence, and enthusiasm: these traits can’t easily be faked. Think about it, when we’re feeling confident, our vocal pitch and amplitude are more varied, allowing us to sound expressive and relaxed. But when we’re trying too hard to fake these things, our vocal cords and diaphragms tend to constrict, causing our voice to come out all squeaky. And it’s not just our voice that gives us away. When our “fight or flight” trigger goes off, chemicals in our bodies might cause us to go red in the face, break into a sweat or even squirm in our seat.

“When we try to fake confidence or enthusiasm, other people can quickly tell that something is off even if they can’t precisely articulate what that thing is,” explains Cuddy. It makes sense, therefore, that first impressions formed on the basis of qualities such as enthusiasm and confidence might actually be quite sound – precisely because they’re so hard to fake.

Genuine presence emerges when we feel personally powerful, which allows us to demonstrate our most authentic and sincere selves. “When we feel present, our speech, facial expressions, postures, and movements fully align,” explains Cuddy. “And that internal convergence, that harmony, is palpable and resonant – because it’s real. It allows us to be compelling and engaging. We’re no longer fighting with ourselves; we are being ourselves.”

Combatting “Imposter Syndrome”

Perhaps the biggest reason that many of us fail to be adequately present during key, make-or-break moments is because we secretly harbor doubts that we even belong in the room.

Pauline Rose Clance is a world renowned psychologist based in Atlanta, Georgia. She’s written extensively on the subject of “Imposter Syndrome,” which is one of the key barriers many of us face when we’re striving to achieve greater presence. In an interview with Cuddy for her book, Dr. Clance spoke about how she became paralyzed by fear that she wasn’t good enough to succeed when she was a doctoral student in clinical psychology.

Clance would routinely get A’s on her assignments, but for whatever reason, her good grades did nothing to boost her confidence. “Everyone else is smarter than I am,” she told herself. “I got lucky this time, but I’ll fail the next time. I’m not even

supposed to be here.”

It was only after Clance graduated and began teaching at Georgia State University that she experienced a breakthrough that allowed her to set her unfounded fears of being an “impostor” aside. Several of her students that year came to her for advice, and they were all going through the same thing. These young women and men had excellent test scores, good grades and outstanding work ethics. One of them said, “I feel like an impostor here with all these really bright people.” Through the process of counseling and assuring these students that they absolutely had every right to be in her class, Dr. Clance came to realize that she wasn’t alone in experiencing this sort of anxiety. And that helped her manage it.

“While the details of Pauline Clance’s story are uniquely hers,” writes Cuddy, “the general feeling that we don’t belong – that we’ve fooled people

into thinking we’re more competent and talented than we actually are – is not at all unusual. Most of us have experienced it, at least to some degree.” Impostor Syndrome steals our power and suffocates our presence.

Imposter syndrome afflicts men and women equally. Researchers have found impostorism in dozens of different demographic groups, including teachers, accountants, physicians, entrepreneurs, students, children of alcoholics, children of high achievers, and so on.

Given impostor syndrome’s prevalence, it’s impossible to identify the root cause for each individual instance. But as a trained psychologist, the root causes aren’t necessarily what interest Cuddy most. She’s more interested in the cure. And the cure, at least for a great many sufferers, lies in being able to talk about the problem openly, without fear of shame.

Fortunately, for those who are afflicted by this disorder, there’s been a swell of popular interest in impostorism over the last few years. It gets attention in the business world from leaders like Sheryl Sandberg and publications like Fast Company. This helps matters immensely, because now that we know how many other successful people also frequently feel like impostors, we must conclude that either: (a) we are all impostors and none of us actually knows what we’re doing, or (b) our self-assessments are way off.

“The more we are aware of our anxieties, and the more we openly share with others about them,” writes Cuddy, “the easier they’ll be to shrug off the next time they pop up.”

Presence Starts With ListeningWhen we encounter someone we’ve never met before – especially if it’s someone we hope

to impress – we often fear we won’t be taken seriously. So we tend to talk first, in order to own the moment and prove ourselves. We want to show the other person how great we are, what we’ve already accomplished. We’re all guilty of doing this. But the problem with this approach is that presence actually starts with listening, not talking. Talking first implies: “I know better than you, I’m smarter than you, and I should talk while you listen.” These subtle messages are very counter-productive.

The paradox of listening is that by temporarily relinquishing the power of speaking, we ultimately become more powerful in the end. When we listen first, here’s what happens:

1. People trust us more. This is key because if we don’t have people’s trust, no matter how sound our arguments might be, we will not influence them in a deep and lasting way.

2. We acquire useful information from the other person, which makes it much easier to solve any problem we face. We might think we know the right answer going in, but before we’ve genuinely heard what the other party thinks and feels, we really can’t be sure.

3. When people feel heard, they’re more willing to listen. If people don’t feel that you “get” them, they’re not inclined to invest their time and energy in trying to understand you.

When it finally is time for you to speak, consciously s-l-o-w your speech down, at least in the early going. Why? Because when people speak slowly they run the risk of being interrupted by others. So in speaking slowly, you signal that you have no fear of interruption. It’s a sign of being calm and in control. It demonstrates presence.

Moreover, when you speak in an unhurried way, it gives you extra time to consider your words so

you end up communicating more clearly. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, the research shows that speaking more slowly can also provide a momentary boost to our own self-confidence. (In a study at Stanford University, students were instructed to read aloud a collection of sentences at various speeds, and then answer questions about how confident or powerful they were feeling. Ultimately, the participants’ speaking rate had an inverse relationship with how powerful they felt. That is to say, the slower the students read the sentences, the more confident, self-assured and powerful they reported feeling.)

All of this is crucial to making a good first impression. Ask any career expert, and they’ll tell you that it takes only a minute or two for someone to determine whether they like you and want to do business with you. We know this. But what many of us fail to appreciate is how these split-second decisions are actually made. We assume that

there’s a bunch of different factors that go into the assessment but there are actually only two: trust and respect. Psychologists also refer to these two factors as “warmth” and “competence.” When you’re meeting someone for the first time, you want to be seen as having both. But if you have to choose between them, it’s better to be viewed as warm.

“Most people, especially in a professional context, believe that competence based on respect is more important than warmth,” says Cuddy. “After all, they want to prove that they are smart and talented enough to handle your business. But from an evolutionary perspective, it is more crucial to our survival to know whether a person deserves our trust.” This makes sense when you consider that in prehistoric times it was far more important to figure out if a first-time visitor to your cave was coming to kill you, or whether he was clever enough to help you build a good fire. While

competence is obviously highly valued in modern workplaces, it’s evaluated only after trust is established.

Expand Your BodyIn 2014, a friend of Cuddy’s from Washington State randomly shared a link with her to a public service announcement explaining what to do if you encounter a cougar in the wild. In the video, the narrator explains, “If you have an encounter with a cougar, don’t run; be big!” It’s accompanied by a clip of a man standing in the woods and pulling the back of his jacket up above his head to make himself appear taller. This was also accompanied by a testimonial by a man in his fifties who said, “I know this sounds crazy but when I was a teenager, my dad and I had a cougar encounter while we were fishing in Oregon, and that’s exactly what we did. In fact, my dad said, ‘Get up on my shoulders and pull the back of your shirt up above

your head so we look big.’ Fortunately, I listened to my father, and the cougar ran away.”

Here’s the thing: most of us will never have to scare off a cougar. But the fact remains that expansive, open body language is closely tied to dominance across the animal kingdom. This includes humans, other primates, dogs, cats, fish, birds and many other animals.

When we make ourselves bigger, we feel more powerful, says Cuddy. Think of Kevin Spacey’s portrayal of the bombastic Senator Frank Underwood on the popular Netflix series House of Cards. To reinforce his dominance over lesser politicians, Underwood stretches his body out. He pulls his shoulders back, puffs up his chest and spreads his feet far apart.

Social psychologists Dana Carney and Judith Hall have carefully studied powerful body language. High-power individuals are more likely to initiate

handshakes, make more eye contact, use broader gestures and have more erect posture. They also tend to be more open and self-assured in their stance – i.e. they tend to lean subtly forward, and orient their bodies and heads more towards others. What’s great is, all of these things can be learned.

To be fair, Cuddy isn’t advocating that you put your feet up on the desk during your next meeting to express your dominance, or that you use over-the-top “alpha male” body language in all your business interactions. She’s simply encouraging her readers to adopt open, comfortable postures and to take up their fair share of space in the room. Even very subtle types of body expansion – such as correct “sit-up-straight” posture – can have a dramatic effect on how we’re perceived by others.

There are countless ways for us to expand our

bodies. “Experiment and find the techniques that best suit you,” urges Cuddy. “If you don’t, you’re squandering a precious opportunity.”

Practice Self-AffirmationWhen we hear the term “self-affirmation,” we might be reminded of the classic Saturday Night Live sketch of a mock self-help show featuring Al Franken. In “Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley,” Franken would recite the phrase: “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggone it, people like me.” We chuckled because we knew that this kind of banal self-affirmation usually doesn’t work.

But research shows that self-affirmation, when executed properly, can have a dramatic impact on people’s performance in critical situations, either in the boardroom or on the tennis court. Professor Claude Steele, well-known Stanford University social psychologist and author, has

written extensively about self-affirmation theory. Steele has proven that channeling Stuart Smalley and reciting generic one-liners in the mirror doesn’t work. But what does work is taking a minute or two just prior to a crucial event to remind ourselves what matters most to us and, by extension, who we are as people. He’s talking about our core values. So, for example, if you’re a young comedian preparing for a headline gig, you wouldn’t say to yourself: “I’m a great comic, I’m a great comic.” Instead, you might say to yourself: “I love performing and making others laugh. That brings me joy.”

Various controlled and uncontrolled experiments have looked at the power of self-affirmation inside and outside the lab show that it can help with everything from raising grades to quitting smoking to sharpening negotiation skills and performance. Keep in mind that self-affirmation is intended to supplement all the other things you’d normally do

to prepare for a big event, not replace them. If you’re giving a presentation to the executive team at your company, you still need to rehearse the content. You wouldn’t possibly feel safe enough to be present if you hadn’t given enough thought to the basic content of what you wanted to convey. But at some point, you must stop preparing content and start preparing your mind-set. That’s where positive self-affirmations can really help.

Take Baby StepsIt’s no secret that many popular self-help approaches fail, and occasionally even backfire. One of the biggest culprits, says Cuddy, is the repeatedly dispiriting New Year’s resolution, which in her estimation is riddled with psychological traps.

For one thing, New Year’s resolutions are usually too ambitious. Setting massive goals, like getting straight A’s or losing 50 lbs. may seem positive,

but these goals aren’t designed in a way that actually allows us to build toward them. Also, all the time it takes to reach the goal gives us a lot of opportunities to fail, and that creates more opportunities to give up. That’s why the key to making lasting change is to gradually nudge yourself forward taking baby steps.

For instance, Cuddy mentions how, for several New Year’s Eves in a row, she would personally resolve to “become a runner.” In her mind, a runner was someone who was self-disciplined, fast, fit and able to complete marathons. But every time she resolved to become “a runner,” she’d soon start to hate running. By the end of January, she’d already hung up her running shoes. Then one New Year’s Eve the author tried something different: she resolved to run just one time. Following that, she resolved to run a second time, and then a third and so on. Cuddy completely dropped her long-term goals, which were far too

big and distant. Eventually, she got to the point where she felt comfortable describing herself as “a runner,” and marathons were something within her reach. But that was because she eased into it incrementally, rather than trying to make too many big changes all at once.

“By making small but important adjustments to our body language and mindsets, and by taking it one step at a time, we can self-induce greater presence,” writes Cuddy.

ConclusionWhether we’re talking in front of two people or five thousand; interviewing for a job; asking for a raise; speaking up for ourselves; or speaking up for someone else, we all face daunting moments that must be met with poise if we want to feel good about ourselves and make progress in our lives. Presence gives us the power to rise to these moments.