2010 07 26 flyer why elder mediation

8/9/2019 2010 07 26 Flyer Why Elder Mediation

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Just Mediation, LLC“Helping people tackle problemsinstead of each other”

3924 Forest Drive, Suite 1Columbia, SC 29204 Voice: 803-414-0185Fax: [email protected]://www.xanskinner.com

Why Elder Mediation?

Are you concerned about conflict in your family, or a potential conflict, that involves anelderly person, changes related to aging and increased vulnerability, or administration of a probate estate? If so, your family may benefit from Elder Mediation. Elder Mediationoffers the same benefits as other mediation: it is private, and it keeps your family incontrol of its own decisions. There are other factors which make Elder Mediation very different from other types of mediation.

Elder mediation is distinguished by the types of issues involved. There are threerecurring types of issues that tend to come up: (1) resolving differences about planningfor future financial or care scenarios, including estate planning, business successionplanning, and advance care planning; (2) helping to achieve family agreement during acrisis, such as when an Elder has fallen and decisions must be made quickly; and (3)mediation to settle disputes over estate matters.

In addition to being distinguished by types of issues involved, Elder Mediation is alsodistinguished by its complexity. Conflicts are likely to involve complex legal andfinancial issues, multiple stakeholders, entrenched family dynamics, emotionalchallenges, and a vulnerable adult. Elder mediation helps embattled family relationshipsovercome these challenges in two ways. First, communication is controlled so that

negative feelings can be expressed in ways that don’t damage relationships. Second, themediation process facilitates real communication and enables parties to address the coreinterests that are causing conflict.

Attorneys, accountants, and elder care managers are usually the first ones consulted by afamily seeking proactive help, but these professionals can’t do their jobs effectively whendivided families can’t agree on goals. And, just one family member who disagrees withthe goal can destabilize the most extensive planning and cause tens of thousands of dollars to be expended to defend a lawsuit. This is where an Elder Mediator adds key

value. A neutral mediator can help the parties ensure that complex, preventive planningand care management takes into account all interests, is realistic, and is based on aunified family agreement.

Sometimes the barriers to agreement can be profound. Siblings may vie for favor,tempers may flare; distrust builds, and relationships suffer. In emotionally volatilesituations, the family needs a skilled, neutral party to help the family put aside oldpatterns of interacting and adopt new patterns, in order to address the serious issuesthat every aging family will go through. While a mediator is not a counselor, ideally anElder Mediator will assist the family in overcoming old patterns of relating that are nolonger working, so that the family can come together in a more unified way to confrontthe new or impending reality.

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A family navigating the path of caring for an elder may also encounter unforeseenobstacles. Sometimes, there may have been some condition which has been so much apart of the family’s life that it isn’t even noticed until something else goes awry. Forexample, suppose one of the adult children has mental or physical disability. That childmay have been able to function by living at home or receiving substantial help from theparent. As the parent ages and becomes less able to “take care of” that person, other

family members may become more acutely aware that something doesn’t seem right.Perhaps the issue is alcoholism, mental illness, or perhaps there is suspicion of financial

misdeeds. Unfortunately, sometimes adult siblings may have be forced to address thesedifficult issues at the same time they are having emotional and difficult conversations

with or about their aging parent. These times of crisis are challenging for families. Thepresence of a neutral mediator can help keep the conversation on track.

Another challenge of Elder Mediation is that various family members may have vastly different perspectives and ideas about what solutions to various challenges ought to be.Sometimes what a parent wants is not what the same as what their adult child would

want, and different members of the family may all want or expect different things.Conversations can be difficult, and siblings may be forced to interact with one another

under the rules of family system they left behind. The CEO of a corporation may findhimself being placed in the role of “little brother” or the sister’s concerns may bedismissed as too “selfish”. The Mediator may need to assist these siblings not only instepping outside their childhood roles and stereotypes, but also to encourage each toconsult outside sources for a “reality check” concerning the veracity of their viewpoints.

These are just a few of the issues! Ideally, an Elder Mediator will have flexibility,training, and intelligence to respond nimbly to the unique challenges of each situation.

In selecting an Elder Mediator, seek a well seasoned mediator who has specific skill andtraining in Elder Mediation. Specialized legal knowledge is important, but awareness of

family dynamics and skill in multi-party mediation is also vital. Thus, while many Elder

Mediators are attorneys by training, many others have come into the field by way of their specialized background in gerontology, nursing, social work, or counseling. The

mediator hopefully can tell you the name of a training institute where they studied this

specialized form of mediation, or they will demonstrate an extensive professional background in dealing with Elders and their families. Look for signs that the potential

mediator has expertise in (1) legal and financial issues of aging (financial planning, care

planning, business succession planning, guardianship or probate administration), (2)multi-party, complex mediation (siblings, in-laws, and grandchildren all may be

stakeholders and necessary parties to a mediation), and (3) legal issues related to

competency and capacity (an Elder Mediator must take special precaution to ensure that

the aged person, who may be a vulnerable adult, is accorded as much autonomy and

decision making deference as his or her physical and mental capacity will allow).

Last but not least, a good Elder Mediator will run a tight ship. When emotions getstormy, the seas can get choppy. A good Elder Mediator will calm the waters by keepingthe conversation focused and civil. For it is only through listening to one another that afamily can hear each other’s concerns, develop solutions that address those concerns,and come up with the best solution to address the needs not only of the aging adult, butof their caregivers and loved ones as well.



As difficult and challenging as conversations about Elder issues may be, wise is thefamily that has them. While honesty, candor, and open conversation may be challengingand difficult, the more fully the issues are discussed, and the better the quality of conversation, the better the result will be. Yes, Elder Mediation may be time consumingand complex. Often, due to complexity of the issues and numbers of the parties, severalmeetings are required and two mediators may need to be involved. Yet, consider the cost

of doing nothing: lack of care or illness or accidents on the part of a vulnerable lovedone, lack of family support for a caregiver, financial exploitation, loss of a business orlivelihood due to failure to plan for contingencies, distrust, failure to communicate,incorrect assumptions, escalating conflict, anger, and financial resources poured intoattorneys and lawsuits. The stakes are high. Errors can cost not just money, but alsorelationships in the family and quality of life for the Elder.

A family can pretend nothing is wrong and “fake” peace, or it can sue each other and“break” the peace. Or, it can deal honestly and fairly with the issues and truly, “make”peace. The middle way – the way which acknowledges conflict and then works through itit in an effort to find authentic peace -- is, by far, the best way.

2010 07 26 flyer why elder mediation

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