1

CommunicationAnd

Family Conflict

2

Conflictconflict: “expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties, who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals.”

( Hocker & wilmot, 1998)

Conflict happens when family members have different views or beliefs that they don’t agree on. Sometimes conflict can occur when people misunderstand each other and jump to the wrong

conclusion. Issues of conflict that are not resolved peacefully can eventually lead to arguments and resentments.

It is normal to disagree with each other from time to time. Occasional conflict is a part of a families life. However, ongoing conflict can be stressful and damaging to relationships. Some

people find it difficult to manage their feelings and become intentionally hurtful, aggressive or even violent.

3

Conflict styles

Everybody has a different way of dealing with conflict. Your way of dealing with conflict may even differ with who you are in a conflict with or even what the conflict is about. Kilmann and Thomas created a model to show the different

styles of conflict.

They showed that there are styles of conflict that contain BOTH assertiveness (concern for self) and cooperativeness ( concern for others). The five styles are: competition, collaboration, compromise, avoiding, and accommodation. During different conflicts people may go back and forth between the different styles.

There is a little test to see what style you may tend to use in conflicts:hhtp://academic.engr.arizona.edu/vjohnson/ConflictManagementQuestionnaire/ConflictManagementQuestionnaire.asp

4

ASSE

RTIV

EN

ES

S

COOPERATION

high

highlow

Competition• Going after what you want• Concern for self• I win, you lose attitude

Accommodation• Meet the needs of other person but deny your own needs• Unassertive but cooperative

Compromise• Meets the needs of everyone involved

Avoiding• Conflict not addressed• Unassertive and uncooperative

Collaboration• Concern for others as well as self• Often find alternative solution• Win /win attitudes

Kilmann and Thomas Conflict Model

5

Common Causes of Conflict

New job Losing job Marriage/learning to live as a couple Change in financial circumstances Birth of a child (for parents or siblings) Divorce/Separation Getting sick/medical issues (self or family/friend) Moving Death of a loved one

6

Types of Destructive ConflictCovert Overt

Feelings are hidden Messages are unclear Uses five communication

strategies:I. Denial (ex: deny deeper

meanings of hurt “No problem” or “I am fine” )

II. Disqualification (ex: cover up emotion “I wouldn’t have gotten upset except…”)

III. Displacement (ex: anger is directed at inappropriate person)

IV. Disengagement (ex: avoid each other, express hostility through lack of interaction)

V. Pseudomutuality (ex: image of perfect family displayed to others , never allowed to show that something is wrong)

Hostile verbal aggression Physical aggression Can lead to violence Threats about being punished

now or later Physically combative families

can become used to it if it happens often enough

Lessens family harmony Is tied to power, influence, and

decision making

7

Conflict Resolution

A very important part of conflict resolution is LISTENING! Some common suggestions for conflict resolution are:

Listen to what the other person is

saying

Don’t interrupt the other person

Check that you understand the other

person by summarizing or asking

questions

Put emotions aside

Try to stay calm

Do not bring up past issues

Be willing to compromise

8

Conflict Resolution Continued

Respect the other person’s point of view

Communicate your side of issue clearly and honestly

Try to find points of common ground

Separate the problem from the person

Fight fairly

Remember, the other person does NOT always have to agree with

you, or vice versa, you with them. Also the point is to resolve the

conflict, NOT win the argument! And once the solution is decided on,

STICK TO IT!

9

Possible Resources If Conflict Remains Unresolved

Friends

Family

Your doctor

Other parents

Family Counselor

Cops ( if conflict becomes violent)

10

ConclusionConflict is inevitable in families but it does not always mean that the

conflict can not be positive, because it can be positive. Families

will always have issues that cause conflict but if that conflict is

managed constructively the family can grow stronger. Not

everybody handles conflict the same way so families need to

realize that and listen to each other, be willing to compromise, talk

to each other, respect each other, and fight fairly.

“…how effectively families communicate, at times of peace and

pressure, ultimately makes the difference in the strength and

longevity of our families and relationships.” (Bryce, 2009)

11

12

Reference List

Bryce, N. (2009,March 04). How to Improve Communication and Reduce Conflict in Your Family. Enzine Articles Online. Retrieved from http://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Improve-Communication-and-Reduce-Conflict-in-Your-Family&id=2064257

Galvin, K. M., Bylund, C. L., & Brommel, B. J. (2008) Family Communication Cohesion and Change. (7th ed.). Boston: Pearson Education, Inc.

Sharland, A. (2011, March 23). Promoting Mindful Communication: Growth through Conflict. Retrieved from http://www.communicationandconflict.com/

Victorian (Australian) State Government. (2009, October). Family conflict- how to cope. Retrieved from Better Health Channel Online. http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcsite.nsf

13