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Jessica Alcala

English 475

Robert Nazar

7 December 2017

Breaking Free

She tries to wake up from this daydream, unable to move or speak. Her body starts to

sweat in a panicked frenzy. Her chest is heavy with dread and

hopelessness, keeping her from moving. She tries desperately to pull

herself out of this state of paralysis. Her vision is tunneled from the

unknown abyss of her subconscious and vague sense of reality. She

takes a deep breath and finally submerges from her horrendous trance, only to realize this is the

reality of her everyday life. After so many years gone and memories left blank Jessica Alcala

feels defeated in battling with her depression and anxiety for so long. She finally decides to

surrender and let go of her egotistical pride and find a way out. In Jessica Alcala’s powerful

drawing titled “Stronger than My Struggle,” she represents her triumph of breaking free from her

mental illness.

The first aspect that signifies her mental state is the black brain. The brain is located at

the very top center part of the drawing. The brain is wrapped in rope, chains and barbwire. In a

few spots of the brain, you can start to see bright yellow lights bursting thru the brain. Alcala’s

brain is black; she has vanished in the shadows of her many

demons. The barbwire is a constant reminder of the mental anguish

of her addictive personalities and the way she self medicates with

whatever she can get her hands on. The rope is suffocating; she is

paralyzed with fear and anxiety unable to breathe life into herself. She is chained down by her

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depression, a disease that may always linger. Over time these burdens have taken a toll on

Alcala, and have resulted in her mind deteriorating. She cannot trust herself, she cannot trust her

thoughts. After years of mental destruction she sees a light in the darkness of her thoughts. This

light is the beginning of Alcala’s inspiration to break free of the grasp that this mental illness has

on her. In result, Alcala’s brain has rotted from being unaided with her depression and anxiety

for so long.

The next inspirational imagine in Jessica Alcala’s drawing is the cross. The cross is

bright yellow and it is in the center of the drawing. The yellow colors shine throughout the entire

picture. Its rays of yellow are bursting out of the brain, and over the heart. The cross represents

the hope Alcala has found in herself. The yellow symbolize the joy she feels in her life. The

cross is centered in the middle of the drawing purposely because god is the center of her world.

The cross of hope ruptures thru the rotted brain, and breaking her free of

the restraints. Although her chain is still linked to her disorder, for the

first time in a long time, she is finally starting to break free of her manic

depressive state. Depression is not something Alcala can sure but with

the grace of God, Alcala is able to feel the joy of hope again. God has

given Alcala a sense of freedom; free of all her guilt and rid of all her shame. Her hope spreads

throughout her drawing and continues to shine upon the heart and hands. Ultimately, the bright

yellow cross is the center of where Alcala’s hope lies.

Another reflection of motivation in the drawing “Stronger than My Struggle” is the heart.

The heart is located at the bottom center of Alcala’s drawing. The realistic heart is shaped in the

size of an actual heart. It is red and looks essentially healthy. The heart is being held up by

hands. Alcala’s heart is strong, and it has not been affected by her brain; they do not make

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correlation to one another. Unlike the brain her heart is healthy alive and existing. Her heart is

what keeps her motivated. She finds strength in the love of god and the

love of the people around her. Alcala’s heart is filled with the

reminders of what to live for; her family, friends, her child and herself.

Her love for others is what keeps her heart beating, keeps her

breathing, and keeps her feeling alive. Alcala’s heart beats for the love

of others and the love of god. Without her heart Alcala would be left

with just her brain. Overall, the active beating heart is Alcala’s way of finding love through all

her struggles.

The last image in the drawing is the hands of encouragement. The hands are located in

the center of the very bottom of the drawing. The hands are holding the heart up. These hands are

small and chubby. The fingernails are painted with the color pink. These hands are cute and

little, but to Alcala these are the most significant, intimidating hands she’s ever seen. The nails

are painted pink which indicates a little girls hands; Alcala’s little girl. These hands hold the

existence of who she is, not only her heart but to her soul. This small child who is so oblivious of

the magnitude she has on Alcala’s life, and the imprint she has made. These tiny hands are

holding her heart up because without this little girl, Alcala’s

heart would fall. Her daughter is a remembrance from God of

all the love and beauty in Alcala's world. She was given to

Alcala at a specific time and moment in her life for a purpose. These sweet, tiny hands saved

Alcala from herself. All in all, these little hands are the source of Alcala’s inspiration to never

give up.

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After hiding in her own head for so long Jessica Alcala can feel herself emerge from the

despairing quicksand of her mental illness. She can breathe life into herself, like breathing in the

morning dew after a night of rain. The feeling of freedom and peace scurry her body, leaving her

with a smirk on her face, an expression that she forgot existed. She is not afraid of her illness,

she is awakened. Awakened by her love for others and the love of god is what keeps her feeling

alive, and most importantly those little hands are the motivation to prevail over her tribulations .

She can see beyond the scope of her illness pass her pain and guilt and forward onto a bright

beautiful future. In Jessica Alcala’s drawing titled “Stronger than My Struggle,” she shares her

recovery of being liberated from her mental disorder. Alcala may battle with this illness for the

rest of her life but she will not let it take away one more moment of who she is and what she’s

worth.

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Work Cited

Alcala, Jessica. “Stronger than My Struggle.” Nov. - Dec. 2017. Drawing.