CAMPFEAST

Written by

Lindsay Laurie

lalaurie@hotmail.com37 Stockman Way LongwarryVictoria Australia 3816

ph: 03 56299755©Lindsay Laurie 2011

1

SOFT CLASSICAL MUSIC IN BACKGROUND FADES IN:

SERIES OF SCENIC SHOTS WITH OPENING CREDITS:

A scenic GRAMPIANS shot with KEVIN WATTLE walking into the frame and eating a meat pie.

The scene changes to LAKES ENTRANCE and KEVIN WATTLE walks into the frame eating a leg of fried chicken.

The scene changes to PERRY’S SAND HILLS and KEVIN WATTLE saunters into the frame, eating a wedge of pizza.

The scene changes to the APOSTLES (coastline) and KEVIN WATTLE admires them while eating a hamburger.

The scene changes to the MUNDI MUNDI PLAINS with KEVIN WATTLE in the frame eating potato chips from a container.

The scene changes to LAKE TARLI KARNG (high country) with KEVIN WATTLE leaning against a rock as he eats a chicko roll and drinks coca cola from a can. KEVIN tosses the empty can into the scrub.

SOFT CLASSICAL MUSIC IN BACKGROUND FADES OUT:

EXT. A BUSHLAND SCENE – NORTH LABERTOUCHE - DAY

KEVIN walks into the frame and puts one leg up on a log and rests his arms on his knee in bushland.Bird calls in the background. (O/S)KEVIN is dressed in camouflage Aussie disposal clothing, orange trainer shoes and wears a pom-pom hat.

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA)Time to put the kettle on folks, and join Kevin Wattle...um, that’s me folks...

(deep sigh) and I’m about to take you step by step through thedrafting of a cook book...mycampfire cook book.

KEVIN gazes around him, and takes a deep breath as he inflates his chest.

KEVIN (CONT/D)Now what lies ahead of you is in the clue...kettle. Where do you find a kettle? Right...in the kitchen; and what do we do in the kitchen? We cook...

2

KEVIN starts to casually walk along an animal track.

KEVIN (CONT/D)but the kitchens I am about to cook in are not kitchens as such but outdoor kitchens that have no walls, electricity, gas, benches and so on, so therefore you probably couldn’t really call them kitchens, or, well, not kitchens that we normally cook in but kitchens set up in the open spaces and that’s probably a reason why I shouldn’t call them kitchens...

KEVIN scratches the back of his head.

KEVIN (CONT/D)what the heck am I saying. I’m confusing myself here.

KEVIN continues to walk along a bush track.

KEVIN (CONT/D)So folks, you might ask yourself what I’m doing out here in the Australian bush and talking to you.

(beat) Well I’m about to teach you camping cuisine, rough style camping cuisine, which doesn’t mean it’s actually rough, but um...quick and efficient so I shouldn’t say rough. Ragged, no, maybe thrown together... anyway I’ll be explaining to you, recipes that you can easily put together which you never see on telly cooking programs.

(beat) Your idea’s about outdoorcooking are about to change.

KEVIN brushes his hand through a shrub that has prickles in it, and he pulls his hand back quickly.

3

KEVIN (CONT/D) Cripes that hurt! ...sorry folks...just let myself down for a second ... now where was I? That’s right, I guarantee I will give you a good start in the outdoor cooking department. I admit most of my cooking has been done on gas barbecues, but there’s more to burning meat and onions on a hot plate...a whole lot more, and these recipes are bouncing around in my head just waiting to burst into life on your plate.

An ant bites KEVIN on the leg, and KEVIN reacts.

KEVIN (CONT/D)Bloody hell, what was that?

KEVIN rubs his leg.

KEVIN (CONT/D)Sorry folks...just another hazard us tough old bush cooks have to put up with. Now, let me explain to you what I intend to do for your benefit. I intend to blend your traditional ingredients with bush tucker, therefore the prepared meals won’t be either bush tucker or traditional meals but a combination sort of like Chinese food, but it won’t taste like Chinese food...it’ll probably taste more like traditional food with something that tastes like something you’ve never tasted before...easy to understand aye?

KEVIN freezes.

KEVIN (CONT/D)(stammers)

I think there’s a snake near my foot.

(shouts)HELP! WILL SOMEBODY HELP ME?

4

The snake is actually a harmless blue tongued lizard.KEVIN runs back to his four wheel drive vehicle and jumps in behind the steering wheel.

KEVIN (CONT/D) That was a close call by gee. As you can see you’ve just got to stay alert at all times in the bush.

(dithers in his car)Where was I again...that snake has thrown me...did it have legs? That’s right...about this book I’m going to write. As any great author and chef understands, a project like this cannot be ran and organized solo...I’m sure that snake had legs...I have gathered three wonderful mates who have agreed to assist me. I’d like you to meet them.

INT. HOTEL - PUBLIC BAR - DAY

KEVIN opens the entrance door and walks in. KEVIN looks around the public bar. Some PATRONS are playing pool. Other PATRONS sit at the bar or at tables.KEVIN’S eyebrows raise and he then walks across to a table where three men are sitting.MARTIN (MARTY) THOMPSON is dressed in a T-Shirt, shorts and thongs, and has a ‘Collingwood’ beanie knitted hat on his head.OSCAR DUNNE is a small statured man with his head shaved clean and a pot gut.EDWARD (TEDDY) MOORE is still in his work clothes (plasterer) wearing boots, shorts and button up shirt.TEDDY has flaked out on the table.KEVIN walks across and places his hand on MARTY’S shoulder. MARTY turns around.

MARTYHey Kev, you old son of a gun. What are you up to?

KEVIN(slight grin)

I’ve come to introduce youblokes to a once off opportunity. You’re gunna be famous you know.

5

OSCAR’S bleary eyes blink.

OSCARFamous...us?

KEVINWhat’s up with Teddy?

MARTY pats TEDDY on the head.

MARTYHe’s allergic to peanuts.

(beat)Anyway, would you like a beer?

KEVIN(shakes his head)

Oh no thanks fellas, I’ve just dropped in to see if you’re still keen to join a millionaire celebrities club.

OSCARMillionaire! Are we gunna be millionaire’s Kev?

KEVINToo right Oscar. This book will sell like hot cakes.

OSCARGood-O aye.

(sidles up to KEVIN)Gee Kev, you know I’d do anything to help you.

KEVINI know that Oscar, and that’swhy I’ve made you my right hand man.

MARTY(chuckles)

Yeah and Teddy and me are theshit-kickers aye?

KEVINNo, no, not at all Marty. I’d like to think of you two as um...forward scouts and um...

MARTY interjects.

6

MARTYYeah shit kickers.

KEVINNo that’s not right Marty. Youand Teddy are my mostimportant men on this fabulousstorybook journey.

MARTYYeah...the shit kickers.

KEVIN clears his throat and coughs.

KEVINAnyhow fellas, I just thoughtI’d call in and introduce youto your audience. I betterhead off and keep organizingI suppose.

OSCARDo you need a hand Kev?

TEDDY lifts his head and vomits all over KEVIN’S shoes.

OSCAR (CONT/D)(winces)

On second thoughts Kev, I just remembered Mum wants me home early for tea.

EXT. HOTEL CAR PARK - DAY

KEVIN leans back against his four wheel drive vehicle with his arms folded and legs crossed.KEVIN has a wry smile on his face.

KEVIN (NARRATES TO CAMERA)It won’t hurt for the boys to have a bit of a shindig before we take off, but they know they’re gunna have to toe the line once the action begins...The publican understands. I’ve worded him up.

The public bar exit door opens and KEVIN look’s across.TEDDY is heaved out into the street. MARTY follows, and OSCAR with a frightened look in his eyes runs outside and across to KEVIN.

7

PUBLICAN(shouting)

Next time you pee in the ashtray I’ll bloody kill youOscar.

OSCARKev...Kev...I’ll clean you’reshoes, just get me out of here.

KEVIN quickly opens his car door and jumps in. OSCARjumps in to the passenger side seat.

KEVINRight. I think it’ll be a good thing to get you fellasaway from here for a while.

EXT. KEVIN’S HOME - DAY

KEVIN’S four wheel drive vehicle is packed for the first trip.TEDDY’S ute with a fitted cover is parked behind KEVIN.KEVIN kicks his tyres and then kicks TEDDY’S tyres.TEDDY looks across at MARTY with a look of bemusement.

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA)It’s imperative to make sure safety is a priority, because if dangerous situations arise and we aren’t prepared then we won’t be safe. Thankfully Teddy has made sure his tyres are up to scratch...

(whispers to camera)It pays to double check when you’re in charge.

KEVIN joins MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR.

KEVINRight boys, everything inorder?

MARTY, TEDDY, OSCAR(together)

Yep, no worries Kev.

KEVINThat’s good boys, so you’vedouble checked everything?

8

MARTYToo right.

KEVINOkay Oscar, you’re with me.As leader I’ll lead the way.

TEDDYWhere are we going?

KEVINTeddy...don’t muck about.

TEDDY looks across at MARTY and shrugs his shoulders.

OSCARWe’re going up the LochValley aren’t we? That’s whatyou said isn’t it Kev?

KEVIN(chuckles)

They’re having you on Oscar.

TEDDY follows KEVIN driving away.KEVIN’S spare tyre leans against a shed wall.

EXT. CAMP SITE BESIDE LOCH RIVER IN DENSE BUSH - DAY

MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR are busy putting up the tents.KEVIN watches in a supervision role.

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA)Now folks, we’re here beside the Loch River preparing for the first chapter of my book...what will I call it? Kev’s classical cuisine by the campfire sounds good aye. YouPeople will be lining up to buy the book, so make sure you don’t miss out...my intention is not to leave outany ingredient, because, one tiny speck can alter the flavour of a delectable camp-feast recipe as you may notknow.

KEVIN looks around his surroundings with admiration.

9

KEVIN (CONT/D)Ah...and isn’t it just great.Shortly, once the boys haveerected the tents, I’ll send them off to gather exquisite bush tucker that possibly only I and the indigenous people of this area, if there are any still living here would know about, and seeing there is probably not means that only I can now blend the flavours of the bush into modern day cuisine ingredients for us here to sample and you to read about...Can you hang on just a second.

KEVIN walks across to MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR.

KEVIN (CONT/D)Hey, before youse go anyfurther, can you pull my tent down and put it up over there.

KEVIN points to a position away from the four-man tent.KEVIN has a two-man tent.

MARTYWhy?

KEVINDon’t question me Marty, justdo it please.

KEVIN faces the CAMERA.

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA)I couldn’t tell the boys that um...it’s best I give them a little space, because um...we don’t all have the same tastes do we, so why not let them debate out of ear shot...of course it doesn’t matter what decision they arrive at, the final say comes down to me...sort of like their vote is worth one each and my vote is worth four, so the majority wins...that’s how chef democracy works...tough loveit is, and a must.

10

MARTY calls out.

MARTYIs this bloody good enough for you, your highness.

KEVINNow get off your high horseMarty. We’ve all got to get on you know...yes, that will be fine.

OSCARDo you want me to lay out your sleeping bag Kev?

KEVINThank you Oscar, now this isthe dedication I expect Marty.

MARTY and TEDDY haul out their sleeping bags and pull them inside out and then hang them over a tent rope.

KEVIN (CONT/D)What are youse doing?

TEDDY(shrugs)

Just habit Kev...you know...from the old scouting days.

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA)It’s a waste of time, but I’llkid them along.

MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR sit on folding chairs with stubbies of beer.KEVIN walks up and down.

KEVINRight fellas, seeing we gothere late afternoon, I’llforgo a bush tucker recipe.Tonight I’ll cook youse a lovely vegetable soup.

MARTYVegetable soup! What do youthink we are? We’re men notbloody pansies...meat eaters,carnivores. What do you reckon fellas? Will we get the shotgun out?

11

TEDDYBloody oath...let’s see if wecan snavel a cow or something.There’s a farm just back downthe road a bit.

MARTYYeah, we’ll milk it before weshoot it.

KEVINHey you two! That’s not thepurpose for why we’re here.Now settle down...Oscar, get the veggies out of the esky.

OSCAR jumps out of his chair.

OSCARYes Kev, what veggies do youwant?

KEVINIt doesn’t matter Oscar, aslong as we write the recipedown.

(beat)Mm...there are lamb chops inthere. Perhaps we could have these chops as an entrée, aye?

MARTYHooray, you’re starting tomake a bit of sense.

KEVINOkay I better write that down.

KEVIN writes in an exercise book.

KEVIN (CONT/D)Entrée...lamb chops...good.

(beat)Now Oscar, let’s prepare thesoup aye.

OSCARDo you want me to peel the spuds and carrots Kev.

12

KEVINNo Oscar, I want you to takea bucket down to the creek and bring back some coolrefreshing unadulteratedmountain water.

OSCAR picks up the bucket and scampers off.KEVIN stands behind a fixed wooden table – a camp oven – vegetables – cutting board – knife – porcelain tureen – other accessories sit on table in front of KEVIN.

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA)Now in front of me is a fineselection of vegetables...potatoes...parsnip...carrots...pumpkin and celery.

MARTY and TEDDY look totally disinterested.

KEVIN (CONT/D)The secret of a great vegetable soup is...not the quality of the water nor condiments like salt and pepper but the vegetables that are added, and when I say added, I mean added unpeeled and with the leaves. It’s not that I’m lazy in my preparation...nobody can call me a lazy cook, but you can call me a thinking cook, and by that I mean if I think most of the goodness in vegetables is just below the skin, then with me thinking this, the thought progresses into not peeling or stripping leaves. So therefore I don’t think it’s a good policy to peel the veggies or dispose of the leaves...wow, okay, here’s Oscar back, let’s get into it.

KEVIN pours water into a boiler.

KEVINOkay Oscar, let’s get theseveggies up and boiling.

KEVIN and OSCAR dice and cut the veggies.

13

MARTYWhen are you gunna cook the chops? I’m bloody starving.

KEVINYou pair just be patient. Sit back, drink your beer and build up your appetite. That’s all you have to worry about.

TEDDYIs there any bread?

KEVIN shakes his head.

KEVINI dunno...youse two are justtoo bloody pampered.

TEDDYYou’ve got to have bread withsoup.

KEVIN(sighs)

Okay then, I’ll knock up adamper as well.

(beat)The flour’s in your ute isn’tit Ted?

TEDDYHow the bloody hell would Iknow.

KEVINOscar, take the bucket over toTed’s ute and mix some flourwith the rest of the water...Here, take the salt and bakingpowder as well. You need to mix some of that in too.

OSCAROh, no worries Kev, I know how to make damper. I’ve made it a thousand times.

KEVINGood, I’m glad somebody elseknows something about cooking around here.

14

MARTYYou told us we had to butt out!

KEVINKeep your shirt on, I was only joking.

OSCAR returns with the mixture in a bucket.

OSCARWhat now Kev?

KEVIN looks inside the bucket.

KEVINWell done Oscar. Put it asideand grab the foil. We’ll letit prove for a while and cookthe damper in the ashes.

(lifts boiler)First I’ll get this soup on tocook.

MARTY(whines)

Then cook the bloody chops.

KEVINAre your arms painted on Marty?

MARTYYou told us to stay out of the kitchen...remember.

KEVIN smirks at the CAMERA and his eyes look to the heavens.

MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR gnaw into the chops. Their faces have grease and tomato sauce smudged on them.KEVIN watches from the table with a pained look on his face.KEVIN turns and faces the CAMERA.

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA)Well it’s got those animalsoff my back. Did you see theway they ate...bloody pigs...You’d think they hadn’t had afeed for a week.

(sniffs the soup)Okay the soups cooked...hang ona minute.

15

KEVIN turns away.

KEVIN (CONT/D)Oscar, what about putting thedamper in the coals?

OSCAR jumps up.

OSCARNo worries Kev.

KEVIN watches OSCAR and then faces the CAMERA again.

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA)My timings a bit out. I shouldhave had the damper on alittle earlier, anyway, it’llgive me some time to explain what I have in front of me.

KEVIN bends down and smells the soup again.

KEVIN (CONT/D)Perfection...now, while the dampers cooking I will explainto you how my system works.

KEVIN pats the porcelain tureen he has on this table.

KEVIN (CONT/D)This tureen is a ripper. Ipicked it up in a second handshop for five dollars and it’sperfect for the job...just wait a second, I’ll put the pot of soup back on the hotplate while the dampers cooking.

(lifts boiler andreturns to the table)

The only thing wrong with thistureen is, it only has onehandle, but being made ofporcelain it keeps the soup hot for a very long time.

KEVIN looks around at the pot of soup.

KEVIN (CONT/D)Ah, the soups boiling again so I’ll lift it off the fire.

16

Just as KEVIN goes to sniff the soup, there is a squishy sound (O/S) followed by a PLOP (O/S) into the soup.KEVIN looks up into the tree and sees two kookaburras.KEVIN has a horrified look on his face. He looks across at MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR, and then mixes the bird poop into the soup.KEVIN winks at the CAMERA and looks up at the kookaburras.A bird poop covers KEVIN’S face and shirt. The kookaburras laugh their heads off. (O/S)MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR look across at KEVIN.

MARTYWhat are those bloody birdslaughing at?

KEVIN, covered in bird poop, turns around and faces the OTHER MEN.MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR join in the kookaburras mirth.

KEVIN ladles soup into bowls.

KEVINHey Oscar, get the damper out of the coals, and the butter out of the esky.

OSCAR rushes across to the coals and picks up a shovel. He lifts the damper onto the table.

KEVINYou know how to check to seeif the dampers cooked don’t you Oscar.

OSCAROf course Kev. A tap with aback of the hand and if there’s a hollow...

KEVIN interrupts.

KEVINOkay, okay Oscar. Give it thetest then.

OSCAR thumps the DAMPER.

OSCARMm...still sounds a bit likeit needs more cooking.

KEVIN taps the damper.

17

KEVINSounds perfect to me. Where’sthe bread knife?

KEVIN tries to slice the damper, but makes little impression.

KEVIN (CONT/D)What’s going on here?

TEDDY and MARTY walk across.

MARTYWhat’s the problem Kev?

KEVINThis bread knife must be blunt. It won’t cut through the crust of the damper.

TEDDY walks up and puts his hand on the damper.

TEDDYPerhaps because the damper’sbeen made out of plaster.

KEVINWhat?

KEVIN glares at OSCAR.TEDDY and MARTY chuckle. OSCAR has a look of fear on his face.

KEVINOscar...come here. Stand infront of me.

OSCAR stands to attention and trembles.

OSCAR(stammers)

I’m sorry Kev, I didn’t meanit.

KEVINWere you put up to this?

OSCARNo, no Kev. I really thoughtit...well it looked like flour.

18

KEVINHow would you use plaster!

MARTYPerhaps because Teddy is aplasterer and he carriesplaster in the back of his ute.

KEVIN(grumbles)

I suppose so...but it betternot happen again.

(inhales deeply)Now you blokes can blame Oscarfor having no bread with your soup. Here, it’s all served up for you.

MARTYAren’t you having any?

KEVINNo, I’m too upset now...plaster instead of flour. Jeez Oscar, any fool would have known the difference.

TEDDYPerhaps Oscar’s not a fool.

EXT. CAMP SITE BESIDE LOCH RIVER IN DENSE BUSH - NIGHT

KEVIN, MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR sit close to the campfire.KEVIN drinks tea from a tin pannikin. The other boys are drinking beer from stubby bottles.KEVIN yawns and stretches.

KEVINOh well, I suppose all in all it hasn’t been a bad start to this little camping trip.

MARTYIt’s been a disaster if you’readdicted to damper.

OSCARI didn’t mean it.

MARTY and TEDDY make eye contact and smirk

19

KEVINForget it Oscar. It was a good lesson to learn. I mean flour and plaster do look alike. Anyone could have made that mistake.

TEDDYBy Jeez, I wouldn’t have, butthat aside Kev, you reallyhave got something going with that veggie soup recipe.

MARTYIt had a lovely flavour to it.Sort of hard to explain though. You want to make sure you put it in the book though.

KEVINI will don’t worry.

TEDDY(laughs)

You were bloody lucky though that the kookaburra pooped on you and not in the soup.

OSCARYeah, after all your work you would have had to throw it out.

KEVIN stands up.

KEVINIts bed time aye.

(beat)Guess what, I’m no bloody fool either. I bought a blow up mattress. I’ve been caught out before sleeping on the hard ground.

MARTYGuess what Kev, you’re notRobinson Crusoe.

KEVINWhat about you Oscar.

OSCARI bought my blow up doll.

20

COMBINED LAUGHTER.

MARTYAre you gunna share her?

KEVINCome on fellas, keep the party clean. I’ll get the compressor out and we can pump our mattresses up.

KEVIN connects the compressor to his cigarette lighter and begins to pump up a mattress.

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA)This little beauty and its like would have to be one of the camper’s better friends. They can get you out of a lot of trouble when you get yourself into trouble like getting a flat tyre and having no spare...of course that’s inexcusable...this little helper will help you no end if you need help but you shouldn’t need help if you prepare properly so therefore in that case you shouldn’t need one of these at all...however if the inexcusable does occur, this little fella works off the cigarette lighter...amazing technology aye.

KEVIN changes an inflated mattress for a deflated mattress.

KEVIN changes an inflated mattress again. This time it isnoted that the filling point is in the pillow. The pillow and mattress are partitioned.The compressor rattles away in the background. MARTY,TEDDY, and OSCAR are returning their sleeping bags from inside out.Suddenly there is a VERY LOUD NOISE (The pillow explodes under pressure)KEVIN, screaming in sheer panic rushes through and fireand into the darkness.MARTY and TEDDY quickly run to the compressor and turn it off. OSCAR is frozen in his chair.

21

From in the darkness.

KEVIN (O/S, stammers)

Who’s shooting at us?

MARTYNobody you bloody dill. Your pillow exploded. Didn’t you know your mattress and pillow is partitioned.

KEVIN (O/S)

I forgot.

MARTYYou forgot! This isn’t the first time you’ve...ah, what’s it matter. Come on, it’s safe to come back.

KEVIN (O/S)

Can youse help me out of the blackberries?

(bleats)Oscar, can you get me out a clean pair of undies and pants please?

KEVIN sits in his fold up chair looking washed out.TEDDY hands KEVIN his tin pannikin.

TEDDYHere, drink this.

KEVINWhat is it?

TEDDYIf I tell you, you won’t drink it.

KEVIN takes his tin pannikin.

TEDDY (CONT/D)It’s to calm you down.

KEVIN takes a sip.

22

KEVINOh not bad. You’ve put whisky in my tea.

KEVIN drinks the mixture in one draft.

KEVIN (CONT/D)Can you make me another one...With a tad more whisky please.

MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR enter their four man tent in the light of the dying fire.KEVIN enters his two man tent.

Snoring (O/S) from the camp under moonlight with insect noises. (O/S)KEVIN’S tent begins to move and jerk violently.A scream from KEVIN (O/S) fills the night air.MARTY holding a torch and TEDDY rush outside their tent.TEDDY reaches for the shotgun.MARTY shines the torch on KEVIN prancing around. He is dressed in pink pyjamas.

MARTYWhat in the bloody hell are you doing Kev?

TEDDYAnd what are you doingdressed in those pink pyjamas?

KEVIN(yelling)

Shut up and help me will youse. You bloody fools pitched my tent on a bull ants nest...OWW.

KEVIN swipes at the latest bitten station.MARTY nudges TEDDY and grins.

MARTYDressed like that Kev, I might spend the rest of the night with you.

KEVINJust get the bull ants off me will you.

TEDDYWould you like me to shoot‘em off Kev?

23

KEVINDon’t be bloody stupid Ted.You’ve done enough damage don’t you think.

(winces)Jeez, bloody pitching my tent on a bull ants nest.

MARTYSettle down Kev will you.Look Ted and I will go and pick some bracken fern for the bull ant bites. Take your pyjamas off and lay on the table.

KEVINAre you off your rocker Marty?

MARTYTed, go and pick some brackenfern will you. I might have toknock this dill on the head.

KEVINAll right! All right!

KEVIN is lying naked; face down on the table with MARTY and TEDDY rubbing bracken fern leaves all over his body.Loud snoring (O/S) is coming from the four man tent (OSCAR hasn’t woken up)

MARTYYou still haven’t told us why you wear pink pyjamas Kev.

KEVIN(winces)

Oww...all right, all the topchefs wear pink pyjamas...totell them apart.

EXT. CAMP SITE - MORNING

KEVIN opens his tent flap and steps out topless. He has big red blotches all over his body.Snoring (O/S) comes from the four man tent.KEVIN draws in a deep breath and looks around.

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA)Bloody beautiful isn’t it?I wonder what the poor people are doing?

24

KEVIN picks up a few pieces of kindling wood and places them in the ashes.

KEVIN (CONT/D)I’ll get the fire going againand boil the billy. I won’tdisturb the boys. They’llenjoy nothing better thanhopping out of bed and havinga cuppa waiting on the tablefor them.

KEVIN has the fire burning now and places the billy of water onto boil.

KEVIN (CONT/D)I’ll give the boys a specialtreat this morning...scrambled eggs. Everybodyloves eggs, but you knowthere is a problem with eggs...you didn’t know that did you?

KEVIN lifts a carton of eggs out of the esky.

KEVIN (CONT/D)Eggs can make you sick, terribly sick. You see statistics state that one in four eggs harbour the salmonella bacteria but Ihave a way of combating theproblem.

KEVIN lifts out three eggs, one at a time.

KEVIN (CONT/D)Normally I would put four eggsin to make the scrambled eggs.I now only use three...see,problem fixed.

(beat)Oh, waters boiling.

KEVIN lifts the boiling billy onto the table and throws in a handful of tea leaves.A blowfly buzzes (O/S) around KEVIN as he speaks.

25

KEVIN (CONT/D)Okay, for most people this istea made, right...well whenyou’re with me...wrong. Likeall bush cooks, I like to addthat little extra flavour...

KEVIN picks a gum leaf up that he has on the table.

KEVIN (CONT/D)A gum leaf. Nothing adds flavour to billy tea like a...

The blowfly buzzing stops.KEVIN looks into the billy, and then looks back at the four man tent. KEVIN picks up a spoon and ladles out the blowfly.MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR leave their tent.

KEVIN (CONT/D)(winks)

Just a little bit more flavourthan I expected.

KEVIN turns around and faces the dishevelled trio.

KEVINGood morning boys. The teasmade.

TEDDYBloody ripper old son. You’llmake someone a lovely wife oneday.

MARTYWhat’s for brekkie?

KEVINScrambled eggs.

MARTYAnd toast?

KEVINSorry fellas, no bread.

OSCARWould you like me to makesome more damper?

26

KEVINNo, not particularly Oscar.I think your damper makingdays are over.

OSCARWhy?

MARTYBecause we haven’t eaten thelast one you made yet.

TEDDYYeah Oscar, when you finisheating that bugger there you can make another one.

KEVINEnough chiacking fellas. We’vegot to get fair dinkum today.

MARTYWhat else is in the esky?

TEDDY looks inside the esky.

TEDDYThere’s a pack of snags in here. Why don’t we have them for brekkie as well.

MARTYThere’s enough bread in themto compensate.

KEVINJeez, I’m getting nowhere here.All right, snags and eggs.

MARTYSounds beaut. I might even have a beer to make it a threesome.

KEVINA beer! It’s only seven o’clock in the morning.

TEDDYYeah but its beeroclocksomewhere so we should sharea beer with those drinkers.

27

KEVINAll right, but it all goes inthe think tank.

MARTY(chuckles)

I’ll bet it doesn’t go in thebook though.

KEVIN, MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR walk down to the creek.

KEVINSo whose got an idea for dinner aye?

TEDDY(chuckles)

What about a nice big Mac?

KEVINThat would look lovely in an outdoor camping recipe book wouldn’t it...yeah real lovely.

OSCARWhat about fish?

MARTYWhat about ‘em?

OSCARWell why don’t we catch a few fish and eat ‘em.

KEVINThat is brilliant Oscar. Nowonder I made you my righthand man.

(beat)We did bring fishing rodsdidn’t we.

MARTY looks across at a smiling TEDDY.

MARTYSure did, we brought two.

MARTY, TEDDY, KEVIN and OSCAR reach the bank of the creek.

28

OSCARThat’s where I get the waterfrom.

KEVIN(grins)

I don’t think it reallymatters where you get thewater from here Oscar.

TEDDYI bloody do.

KEVINWhy, the waters all crystalclear and unadulterated uphere.

TEDDYI don’t bloody think so.

TEDDY points into the creek.

TEDDY (CONT/D)Look at that.

KEVINWhat is it?

MARTYOh God, it’s a dead wombat.

KEVIN looks across at OSCAR.

KEVINWhere did you say you got thewater from?

OSCARNext to that dead wombat.

KEVINDownstream.

OSCARYeah, I didn’t think it would matter. You said it yourself. The water is unadulterated.

KEVINI did didn’t I. I won’t besaying that again.

29

MARTY(chuckles)

So what are you going to writein your book. First gather thewater from beside a deadanimal.

KEVINDon’t be bloody stupid Marty.

(shakes his head)Now, if we’re having fish fortea we better start organizingthe fishing rods.

TEDDYThere’s no good holes here Kev,we should go further up intothe forest I say. What do youreckon Marty?

MARTYSpot on mate.

KEVINDo you think it might be fished out here?

TEDDY shrugs.

KEVIN (CONT/D)Okay let’s do it.

EXT: CAMP SITE - DAY

Back at the CAMP, KEVIN hands out instructions.

KEVINOkay Oscar, unfortunately on this fishing trip you’ll have to stay here and guard the camp.

OSCARNo worries Kev. I’ll shoot any bugger who tries to come close.

KEVINGood boy Oscar.

(winces)Have you blokes put the rodsin the back of my car...I can’t see ‘em.

30

TEDDYChucker rods mate.

KEVINChucker rods! What are...okay,so we’re set to go?

MARTYYep and we’re guaranteed afeed of nice fresh fish.

KEVIN(laughs)

I’ve heard that one before.

KEVIN, MARTY and TEDDY sit down in KEVIN’S four wheel drive vehicle.

KEVINThere’s no cartridges in thatshotgun is there?

MARTYDo I look stupid?

KEVIN drives away.

EXT. DEEP IN THE FOREST ON A LOCH RIVER BANK - DAY

KEVIN drives along a very rough and barely accessible track toward the Loch River.KEVIN pulls up and along with MARTY and TEDDY, steps out onto the bank.

KEVINIt doesn’t look very deep...do you reckon we’ll get a feed here.

MARTYNo worries at all matey. Hey Ted grab the rods.

KEVINHang on, what about bait. We forgot to get some bait.

MARTY pulls out a cigarette lighter and strikes it.

MARTYWe’re using sparkle grubs.

31

KEVINWhat are you talking about?

KEVIN turns around and sees TEDDY carrying two sticks of gelignite with fuses.

KEVIN (CONT/D)Hang on fellas, you don’tintend to blow the creek do you...that’s a silly question.

TEDDYYou wanted fish for tea...this will guarantee fish fortea.

MARTYJust leave this to us will you.You start thinking about adecent recipe.

KEVINFellas, I’m sorry, I’m nothappy about this.

MARTYYou don’t have to be happy orsad mate, just be glad. Nownick off down stream and waitfor the fish to float by.

KEVINWhat if someone hears theexplosion. We’ll all end up in the clink.

TEDDYThere’s no explosion, it’s adull thud with a bit of ground shaking, that’s’ all.

TEDDYJust get down stream and scoopup the fish.

KEVIN walks downstream and nervously waits.There is a dull thud and fish start to float by.MARTY joins KEVIN and helps pick up the fish.MARTY and KEVIN walk back and join TEDDY.

TEDDYWell jobs done, we’re notgunna starve.

32

KEVINLet’s get out of here quick smart.

MARTYWe ain’t going nowhere mate.

KEVINWhat do you mean? We can’thang around here.

MARTY points to a back wheel.

MARTYFlat tyre mate.

TEDDYOh cripes! Just what we needed.

KEVINDon’t panic, I’ll get the spare out.

MARTYOkay then, I’ll loosen thewheel nuts.

MARTY and TEDDY fiddle around at the flat tyre.KEVIN walks around from the back of his four wheel drive vehicle with a serious look upon his face.

KEVINBoys, I know you’re not going to believe this, but I left the spare wheel behind.

MARTYYou what! How in the bloodyhell did you do that?

TEDDYStruth Kev, you’re the onewho carried on about doublechecking...Christ almighty!

KEVINI know...I know...I know, butfellas don’t panic yet, I’ve got the little compressor hereand once I pump the tyre upI’ll drive to the nearest ‘servo’ and get the tyre mended.

33

MARTYServo! What have you been smoking Kev?

TEDDYHaven’t you got anti-puncturetyres fitted.

KEVINNo these are retreads...they’re cheaper.

TEDDYYou bloody dill Kev.

KEVINDon’t call me a dill. RememberI’m in charge here.

TEDDYOkay then, Marty and I will go for a walk while you pump the tyre up.

KEVINGood, I won’t be distracted then.

MARTY and TEDDY walk away along the creek.KEVIN plugs the compressor into the cigarette lighter and begins to pump up the tyre.

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA)This minor setback has bought on an altercation that Imentioned about earlier. Understandably the boys are a bit panicky and um... possibly a tad frightened over the situation...of course like I said earlier...this little compressor is a Godsend and now I’m about to show you it’s worth.

(inhales)I guess some of us are born leaders, and others, well, take a look at those two.

KEVIN looks down at the tyre.

The tyre is half pumped up and the compressor slows and stops.

34

KEVINOh no, the bloody compressorsburnt out by the look of it.

KEVIN shouts.

KEVIN (CONT/D)Boys, come on, we’ve got tomove quick.

MARTY and TEDDY dawdle toward the four wheel drive vehicle.

KEVIN (CONT/D)Quick come on, we’ve got to go. The compressor burnt out and the tyres only half inflated.

MARTYStart up then.

KEVIN hops in behind the steering wheel and turns the key.The battery is flat.

TEDDYDidn’t you have the car idlingwhile you...you bloody dill.

KEVINWhat do you mean?

TEDDYYou drained the battery...you’re supposed to run the car while you’re using accessories.

KEVINNo one bloody well told me.

(beat)If you two hadn’t cracked ‘emand cleared off this wouldn’thave happened.

(beat)What do we do now?

MARTYHear that?

KEVINWhat?

35

TEDDYIt’s a car...how lucky can you be.

A four wheel drive vehicle drives towards KEVIN, MARTY and TEDDY.

MARTYHell! It’s the ForestryDepartment. Quick Ted, chuck the rest of that ‘geli’ in the scrub.

TEDDY throws the gelignite into the scrub just prior to the vehicle pulling up.

MARTY (CONT/D)Kev, don’t you say one word,do you hear.

KEVIN(stammers)

Oh cripes, we’re in troublenow.

TEDDYIf you shut up we’re not.

TWO OFFICERS from the forestry department walk across.

FORESTRY OFFICER ONEHave you fellas got a problem?

MARTYYeah, flat tyre, flat battery.

FORESTRY OFFICER ONEI see.

FORESTRY OFFICER TWO looks down at the compressor.

FORESTRY OFFICER TWOPlease don’t tell me you usedthis thing without the motor running.

KEVIN looks down sheepishly.

MARTYI guess so.

36

FORESTRY OFFICER ONEI thought all the bloodydrongo’s lived in theQueensland rain forest. I’dsay one has made it’s waydown here wouldn’t you George.

FORESTRY OFFICER TWOHave you blokes got any ideaon how to prepare for thissort of country?

FORESTRY OFFICER ONEAnyway what are youse doingin here?

MARTYLooking for a plant.

FORESTRY OFFICER ONEWhat plant?

MARTYTasmannia Lanceolata.

FORESTRY OFFICER TWOTasmannia, mm...I have no idea of where it is around here. If you slip into one of our offices they might point you in the right direction.

(beat)You didn’t come with here withintentions of digging up a bush or two did you?

MARTYHell no...well we might havetaken a cutting or two.

FORESTRY OFFICER ONEFair enough, let’s get yougoing.

INT. KEVIN’S FOUR WHEEL DRIVE VEHICLE - DAY

KEVIN is driving along a track and breaks out into laughter.

37

KEVIN(laughing)

It beats me how those blokesget a job like that.

MARTYWhy is that Kev?

KEVINDidn’t you hear him? He didn’teven know where Tasmania was.

MARTY looks across at TEDDY and rolls his eyes.

EXT. CAMP SITE - DAY

MARTY, KEVIN, TEDDY and OSCAR are dismantling the camp.

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA)I made the hard decision, butthese fellows need to preparebetter. This trip producednothing but headaches...maybe I should add aspirin to therecipes...it might ease myheadaches...but we can onlyreach satisfaction if we pulleach other together...hang on, I mean if we all pull together...otherwise we’re only pullingeach other apart...Mm I’m notsure about this pullingbusiness.

EXT. CAMERA SHOT’S OF CARS FROM ABOVE AT DIFFERENT POINTS ALONG ROADS GOING HOME - DAY

KEVIN’S four wheel drive vehicle leads TEDDY’S ute along the highway in the Latrobe Valley.

KEVIN (0/S)

A couple of weeks R & R and sorting out a few minor hiccups has got us all fired up again, especially me. I can assure you all, that the spare tyre was the first thing packed. I’ve also added a fridge and freezer that only runs when the motor is running...state of the art I’d say...

MORE

38

KEVIN(O/S)

actually I upgraded from the esky because the boys forgot to remind me about the fish in it. I donated the esky to the local primary school. I’m always willing to help in a good cause.

(beat) Ah yes, Bemm River beckons us, with it’s exquisite tastes ready to be penned line by line...the recipes are blending beautifully in my head.

(beat) I made sure Teddy left all his plaster at home as well.

EXT. BEMM RIVER - DAY

KEVIN (with OSCAR) slowly drives his car along the bank of the river with TEDDY (with MARTY) following.There are ample no camping signs displayed.

KEVIN from car window.

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA)We’ve hit a bit of a snag, not a snag in the river...nor a snag on the barby, but another kind of snag that’s not a sausage or a stick, but a snag on where we are to camp...there’s a ban on camping along the bank here so we will have to break the law to deny this snag, and hopefully only have to worry about the sausage snag. We can do without the snags in the river too.

(squints)Hold on, there’s a bloke with a kid. I’ll pull Teddy up and see what he thinks.

KEVIN and TEDDY pull up.KEVIN, TEDDY, MARTY and OSCAR get out of the cars for a discussion.

39

TEDDYWhat’s up Kev?

KEVINSee the signs.

MARTYDon’t take any notice of them.

KEVINDon’t you reckon?

MARTYNah, there’s no one aroundanyway.

KEVIN(points)

What about that bloke with thekid.

MARTYWhat bloke...oh, I didn’t seethem there. If you’re concerned Kev about setting up here, I’ll go and ask the bloke where we should camp.

KEVINI don’t want to be shunted.

MARTYDon’t worry, if he’s localhe’ll point us in the rightdirection...come on Teddy.

KEVIN and OSCAR lean back against KEVIN’S four wheel drive vehicle and watch TEDDY and MARTY as they talk to the MAN.TEDDY and MARTY shake hands with the MAN and walk back.

KEVINOh well Oscar, by the look ofthat, we’ve got good newscoming.

MARTY and TEDDY reach KEVIN and OSCAR.

KEVINWas he bonzer?

40

MARTYToo right...we’re setting upin the caravan park...rightbeside the rotunda.

KEVINWhat! Oh no, that’s no good.Didn’t you tell him we don’twant to stay in a caravan park.

MARTYKev...he runs the caravan park.

KEVINOh...okay let’s go and find it.Beside the rotunda you said.

MARTYYep, and there’s wood to gowith a fireplace.

OSCAROh ripper Kev, we shouldn’thave to cuddle up again.

EXT. BEMM RIVER CARAVAN PARK/ROTUNDA - NIGHT

A gas lamp sits on a table and lights up the rotunda.MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR sit in front of a fire in the rotunda drinking beer with their backs to KEVIN.KEVIN has a number of food ingredients in front of him.

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA) It’s good to have the boys settled and relaxed. I didn’t like to say in front of them that I don’t mind a set up like this...an open fire, no walls and a few creature comforts like a concrete floor, and oh yes I must mention...

KEVIN picks up a three quarter full bottle of methylated spirits.

KEVIN (CONT/D)Metho...we had some troublegetting the wood to burn, but dousing paper with this metho, and a little thrown over the kindling done the job.

41

KEVIN places the methylated spirits bottle on a box sitting on the table.

KEVIN (CONT/D)(slight chuckle)

Now, this time I am makingthe damper, especially seeingOscar completely stuffed uppreviously. I have a few variations of damper recipes,but this one I’m about tocook is a beauty. The boyswill love it.

KEVIN holds up a small bag of flour.

KEVIN (CONT/D)First of all, I’ll put apound of this flour in amixing bowl, and then add two tablespoons of butter.

KEVIN adds butter.

KEVIN (CONT/D)Next, in goes my specialingredient...

KEVIN holds up a small bottle.

KEVIN (CONT/D)A few drops of eucalyptus oil.It brings you closer to thebush...and a teaspoon of saltof course...and then...beforeI add the water, I mix in atablespoon of baking soda.

KEVIN looks around the table and can’t see the baking soda.

KEVIN (CONT/D)I’ll be back in a tad. I’veleft it in the car.

KEVIN accidentally knocks the methylated spirits bottle over and the contents pour into the mixture.KEVIN dives for the bottle and stands it up. His eyes quickly dance across the trio, and a wry smile appears on his face.

42

KEVIN (CONT/D)That’s a little less water I’ll have to add.

The damper sits on a plate.KEVIN has a pile of vegetables on the table.

KEVINOscar, it’s time to get offyour bum and give me a hand.

OSCAR stands up and rushes over to KEVIN.

OSCARNo worries Kev, what do youwant me to do.

KEVINDice up the vegetables Oscar.

MARTYWhat are you cooking us?

KEVINSeeing you liked my veggiesoup so much, I’m making youanother pot.

TEDDY and MARTY make eye contact. TEDDY’S eyes roll up.

MARTYPut a bit of kick in thisbugger.

KEVINWhat do you mean a bit of kick?

TEDDYThat last lot was too bloodybland. It tasted more likedishwater than soup.

KEVINYou’re joking...you blokessaid you loved it.

MARTYIt was okay, but it just needssomething to spice it up a bit.

KEVIN takes a deep breath.

43

KEVINOkay then, I’ll see what I’vegot here.

KEVIN places chilli, mixed herbs and pepper in containers on the table.

KEVINOkay Oscar, you heard theseblokes. You fill the bucket up with water and I’ll put the veggies in the pot.

OSCAR walks away with the bucket.KEVIN puts the vegetables in the pot and adds mixed herbs, a sprinkle of chilli powder and a sprinkle of pepper.OSCAR returns with the bucket of water.

KEVINOkay Oscar, the soups ready to cook.

OSCARWhat about the damper Kev?

KEVINNo not yet Oscar, we let the fire die down and cook it in the coals...I’ve told you thatbefore.

(whispers)I’ve just got to slip off to the little boys room. You put the soup on...and be careful, we don’t want any accidents.

OSCARNo worries Kev, I’ll be careful.

OSCAR dips his finger into the pot and tastes the soup.

OSCAR (O/S)

Oh gee, I think Kev forgot toput some salt in it. I betteradd some.

OSCAR picks up the salt shaker and goes to sprinkle. The top falls off and salt pours into the soup.OSCAR’S eyebrows lift and his hand goes into the soup and stirs the mix as he searches for the salt shaker top.

44

MARTYIs everything okay there Oscar?Why are you mixing the soupwith your hand?

OSCARUm dunno...yeah...I’m gunna sit the pot on the fire now.

A wire mesh and angle iron frame sit over the burning wood.MARTY helps OSCAR place the pot of soup on the fire.KEVIN returns.

KEVINAh now our tea’s on I’m gunnasit down and have a bit of a spell, I’ve earnt it.

TEDDYHow long is it gunna be beforetea’s ready?

KEVINAbout an hour and a half Isuppose.

TEDDYDid you bring any bikkies or something to nibble on?

KEVIN(chuckles)

Of course I did...Oscar, inthe back of the car, grab thedry bikkies...and um...

(beat)That bottle of pickled chillies as well.

MARTYChili’s! Bugger that, they’re too hot. What else have you got?

KEVINThere’s a jar of smoked mussels and a jar of pickled onions.

45

TEDDYSmoked mussels! Jeez...Oscar grab the onions mate.

KEVINAnd the chillies Oscar.

OSCARYes...yes Kev, I’ll get thechillies.

KEVINWhat’s wrong with you weakgutted blokes. The chillies will help warm youse up.

MARTYNothing’s wrong with us, we just like eating proper tucker, don’t we Teddy.

OSCAR returns with the jar of pickled onions and the jar of chillies.KEVIN puts on a show with the first chilli he eats.

KEVINAh, this is heaven on earth.Real tucker.

MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR eat pickled onions and dry biscuits.

KEVINCome on you blokes, try one.You don’t know what you’remissing.

TEDDYNot in your bloody life.

KEVINOscar...hop up and stir thesoup will you.

MARTYNot with your hands either.

OSCAR jumps up.

OSCAROh yeah, no worries Kev. Whendo you want the damper put on?

46

KEVINWhen there’s only ash and coals in the fire, so don’t put any more wood on.

OSCARNo Kev, no, no way.

KEVINOkay, watch this you blokes...Ow! this is a bloody hard chilli.

KEVIN pulls the chilli out of his mouth.It is a severed finger.A look of horror appears on MARTY and TEDDY’S face. KEVIN places his hand over his mouth and rushes outside the rotunda.MARTY looks into the pickled onion jar.

MARTYI hope there’s no body parts in amongst these.

TEDDY(shudders)

Perish the thought.

KEVIN walks back into the rotunda wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

MARTYFancy another chilli mate?

KEVINNo thanks. I’ll wait for thesoup.

TEDDY(chuckles)

So you don’t want any morefinger food Kev?

KEVINDon’t be bloody stupid Teddy.Oscar, throw the jar into therubbish bin will you.

OSCARWhy don’t we put them in thesoup Kev.

47

KEVINOscar, throw the bloody thingsin the bin like I said.

FADE TO BLACK

KEVINLift the soup off Oscar andI’ll put the damper in amongst the ashes.

OSCARWon’t the soup get cold?

KEVINNot if you pour it into that porcelain soup pot it won’t...so hop to it.

KEVIN lays the damper amongst the coals and covers it with ashes.

KEVINGet your taste buds moist boys,soup will be served in tenminutes, or you can have it now if you don’t want to wait for the damper.

TEDDYServe it up Kev, the damper can come later.

KEVINGive me five minutes while Iwrite down the recipes.

KEVIN is writing in his exercise book.

MARTYHey what’s going on with thedamper.

KEVIN looks up and his jaw drops.The damper has caught on fire and looks like a glowing fire lighter.

TEDDY(sniffs)

It smells like metho burning...(frowns)

You didn’t put metho in thedamper did you?

48

KEVIN(fidgets and stammers)

Not, not intentionally no.

TEDDYJust as bloody well the damper caught on fire you dill.

KEVINHey enough of that dill business. I said I didn’t mean it, anyway eat your soup.

(beat)There’s no salt in it. Iintentionally left it out soeveryone could add for theirown taste.

A shocked look appears on OSCAR’S face.MARTY and TEDDY spoon in their first mouthful and spit it out forcefully.

TEDDYWhat in the bloody hell isthis crap! It tastes likekookaburra poop!

MARTYAre you trying to poison us?

KEVINBloody fussy buggers. What’swrong with it?

MARTYYou try it and then tell usit’s not crap.

KEVIN puts a spoonful of soup into his mouth and forcefully spits it out.KEVIN glares across at OSCAR.OSCAR has a look of fear on his face and is quickly leaving the rotunda.

OSCAR(stammers)

I, I, I think I’ll go to bed.

KEVIN closes his eyes and his teeth grit together.

49

EXT. SYDENHAM INLET (LAKE) - MORNING

KEVIN stands alone in the early morning taking in the view across SYDENHAM INLET.The water is ‘looking glass’ with swans and other waterbirds floating about.

PLENTIFUL BIRD CALLS. (O/S)

KEVIN walks along a road.

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA)What a beautiful morning.Sun, sky, birds like everyother morning and too good to waste in a sleeping bag, but the boys need their rest...after last nights disaster, thanks to Oscar...

KEVIN shakes his head.

KEVIN (CONT/D)I’m going to have to keep an even closer eye on him. He should have put the metho away...that’s his job...that’s why I brought him along.

(sighs)And any chef worth his salt knows he must check the salt- shaker cap in case some dill has left it loose, and now...

(sighs)We don’t have anything toeat for breakfast, and that’s why...

KEVIN points to a little shop.

KEVIN (CONT/D)I’m going to buy some breadand maybe grab somethingspecial for the boys...as apeace offering from Oscar.

KEVIN walks inside the shop.KEVIN walks outside the shop with bread and food in paper bags.

50

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA)Can you believe this. Frozenbread and cold pies. That’s all they have...

(grins)I’d say Oscar better watch himself.

EXT. BEMM RIVER CARAVAN PARK/ROTUNDA - DAY

MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR in the background prepare to go fishing.

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA)Tonight we’ll be dining on bream. If you have eaten flathead then you’ll realize that bream tastes nothing at all like flathead. The flavour in flathead rises beautifully if they are grilled whereas bream comes to the fore when the fillets are coated in breadcrumbs, but we don’t have breadcrumbs so tonight I shall present battered bream...similar to what you buy in a fish and chip shop...sounds beaut aye.

(beat)It might buck up the boys’ spirits a bit. I don’t think the cold pies went down well, but I’ve promised them toasted sandwiches for lunch. I’ll leave the bread on the table to thaw out...well we better set tight lines. The bream are awaiting.

EXT: BEMM RIVER PRIOR TO SYDENHAM INLET - DAY

KEVIN is apart from MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR as they walk across a field toward the Bemm River.THE FOUR carry a creel each and a fishing rod suitable for bream fishing.

51

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA) Like I said before, thesebream are a very tricky fishto hook. You have to be onyour guard at all times, andyou need a specialized rod...like this one.

KEVIN looks up and down his fishing rod.

KEVIN (CONT/D)This is the king of rods.Eight foot long, a verysensitive tip and verysentimental to me. This wasmy grandfather’s first breamrod. He handed it down to myfather and now it’s beenhanded down to me.

(beat)Yes this rod is a familyheirloom and has hookedliterally thousands of fish.

(beat)I can’t wait to show the boyshow to hook the bream. It’llbe an experience for them thatthey won’t forget in a longtime.

MARTY, TEDDY, OSCAR and KEVIN line up along the bank of the Bemm River.

FISHING PROGRESSION - (NO DIALOGUE)

CAMERA SHOTS:

MARTY casts his line out thirty metres.TEDDY casts his line out thirty metres.KEVIN casts his line and the sinker plops into the water at his feet. KEVIN checks to see if he’s being watched.OSCARS’ cast is uncoordinated and the hook latches on to KEVIN’S EAR.MARTY reels in a size Bream.OSCAR reels in an undersized Bream.TEDDY reels in a size Bream.KEVIN feels a bite but misses the catch.OSCAR reels in an undersized Bream.MARTY reels in a size Bream.

52

KEVIN fiddles around with his tangled line (birds nest) on the bank.

DIALOGUE BEGINS:

MARTY, TEDDY, KEVIN and OSCAR sit along the bank. They are all drinking beer from stubby bottles.

MARTYYou’re having a bad day Kev,what’s up.

KEVINI dunno. The rod seems to beplaying up.

TEDDYThe rod! Oh, of course, yeah.

KEVINI think the eyes might needreplacing. I can usually castout twice as far as you blokesare.

MARTY(chuckles)

Fair enough.

KEVIN points across the water.

KEVINI’ve had days when I could hit those ducks over there with my sinker.

TEDDYThose ducks way over there.You’re having us on.

OSCARNo, no, no he’s not. I’vewatched Kev do it.

KEVINThank you Oscar. We should have brought the shotgunshouldn’t we?

TEDDY(laughs)

Yeah, you would have more luck shooting at the bream than trying to hook ‘em.

53

KEVINLeave it off Teddy. I meantshooting a duck. I’ve got anice recipe in my head forwild duck.

MARTYNot bloody duck soup I hope.

(beat)Anyway those ducks are too faraway for a shottie.

TEDDYNot if you’ve got a duck caller they’re not.

KEVINBut we don’t have a duck caller do we?

TEDDYI’ll make one then.

KEVINWhat out of?

TEDDYA stubby top.

KEVINA stubby top! How?

TEDDYI’ll show you...chuck oneover to me.

MARTY throws a stubby cap to TEDDY then looks away and smirks.TEDDY manipulates the stubby bottle cap, and then places it close to his mouth as one would with a microphone.

TEDDYCalling all ducks...callingall ducks.

KEVIN has a look of anguish on his face.

KEVINYou bloody fool Teddy! That’sjust being stupid.

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54

KEVIN (CONT/D)I tell you, that sort ofbehaviour won’t put a decent meal on the table.

MARTY and TEDDY laugh.

OSCARWhat’s Teddy mean? Will thatcall the ducks up?

KEVINShut up Oscar.

MARTY’S rod bends and he sets the hook. MARTY reels in another size bream.KEVIN shakes his head and starts to reel his line in.

KEVINHey, I’ve got one...you beauty.

TEDDYKeep your line tight Kev.

KEVINI know what I’m doing.

KEVIN lifts his rod up and on the hook is a plastic bag.

MARTY(chuckles)

That’s thoughtful of you Kev.Teddy and I have got something to carry our fish back to camp in now.

EXT. BEMM RIVER CAMPING GROUND/ROTUNDA - DAY

MARTY, TEDDY, OSCAR and KEVIN walk toward the rotunda.

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA)I can almost taste the bream. Actually I can...well not the bream but prawn. Teddy accidentally tossed his bait when casting out and it landed right in my mouth... but let’s not get narky about Teddy’s incompetence...it’s lunch time, and um, while the boys fillet the bream, I’ll knock up some toasted cheese and vegemite sandwiches.

55

(beat)Of course um...this is real bushman’s tucker. It won’t make the book either, but no one, and I repeat no one, can make a toasted cheese and vegemite sandwich like I can.

MARTY breaks KEVIN’S concentration.

MARTYWhat in the bloody hell!

KEVINWhat’s up Marty?

MARTY(points his finger)

Look!

Twenty currawongs (birds) fly out of the rotunda.MARTY, TEDDY, KEVIN and OSCAR run toward the rotunda.Another flock of squabbling currawongs greet them.All that is left on the table is the torn wrap and a few pieces of bread.MARTY hands OSCAR a twenty dollar note.

MARTYOscar, sneak down to theshop and buy us all a pie andpasty each will you. Teddyand I will fillet the fish.

MARTY glares at KEVIN.

MARTYAnd when you cook the bream...don’t you stuff up this time.

KEVINIt wasn’t my fault the birdsgot stuck into the bread.

MARTYNot your fault...no...itnever is.

ARTY and TEDDY are lying on blankets, asleep on the lawn.OSCAR and KEVIN are in the rotunda preparing for the evening meal.A MAN (STEVE WALKER) walks into the rotunda with a BOY at his side.

56

STEVEG’day there, how’s thingsgoing?

OSCARNot so...

KEVIN interrupts OSCAR.

KEVINGood, good mate. What aboutwith you?

STEVECan’t complain. Are youcatching any fish?

KEVINYeah, hooked a couple ofrippers this morning.

OSCARYou didn’t catch any of themthough Kev.

KEVINGo and get a bucket of waterwill you Oscar.

STEVESo you didn’t do so wellyourself?

KEVINNo, spent most my time showing the other boys what to do...that sort of sapped my concentration a bit...you know, you have to be on the ball with the bream don’t you.

STEVEDunno about that. They usuallyhook themselves up here, that’s if you cast a fair way out.

KEVINAre you camping here like usare you?

57

STEVENo, I run this camping ground.I’m the bloke who pointed youse in the right direction,whoa...whoa, what’s that?

OSCAR walks back into the ROTUNDA.

KEVINWhat’s what?

STEVEThis tureen on the table.Do you mind if I have a lookat it?

OSCARThat’s our soup bowl.

STEVESoup bowl!

KEVINYeah, it certainly keeps oursoup hot. It’s a pity it’sonly got one handle though.

STEVE checks the base of the tureen and laughs.

STEVEBloody hell, this could beworth a fortune.

KEVINWhat do you mean?

STEVEMy hobby’s antiques, and judging by the design andmarkings on the bottom, I’dsay it’s come from China. It probably was made back in the eighteenth century and I’d say it’s spent it’s time under a Chinese emperor’s bed.

KEVINYou’re joking! I got it forfive bucks in a pawn shop.

STEVEIt’d be worth four or fivegrand I’d say.

58

OSCARFor this soup bowl.

STEVE(laughs)

It’s not a soup bowl mate.You’re right, soup bowls have two handles. Chamber pots have one...it’s an old Chinese pisspot.

OSCARWhat!

KEVINTake it...take it, just get itout of here, and you Oscar...

(beat)Don’t you breathe a word to those two when they wake up.

STEVEThanks, I appreciate your gift. I don’t know whether we’ll useit or not, but we definitely won’t be putting soup in it.

MARTY and TEDDY sit in front of the fire.KEVIN and OSCAR are at the table.

KEVINOkay Oscar, I’m about to showyou how to make a batter that cannot be bettered. Hang on,have we got any cooking oil?

MARTY stands up.

MARTYI’ll sneak off down to theshop and get some. I need tolimber up a bit...are youcoming Teddy?

TEDDYMight as well.

MARTYAnd don’t stuff that fish up.

KEVINI’m only getting the batterready.

59

MARTY looks around the table and grabs the saltshaker.

MARTYI’m taking this with me.

KEVIN glares at OSCAR.

KEVINLook at the trouble you caused.

OSCAR tilts his head forward.

KEVIN (CONT/D)All right, let’s move on.Oscar, pour the flour into the mixing bowl.

OSCAR pours the packet of flour into the bowl.

KEVINHang on, we’ll keep a bitaside to dust the fish.

OSCAR scoops out a double handful of flour and puts it in another bowl.

KEVIN (CONT/D)Right, now grab a stubby ofbeer and pour it in.

OSCARThe whole stubby?

KEVINYes Oscar, the whole stubby.Now add a heap of pepper andsome chilli powder...to leavea bite on the corner of your mouth.

OSCARIs that all?

KEVINNo Oscar, you’re to mix itin and add a bit of water...then my secret ingredient.

OSCARWhat’s that Kev?

60

KEVINGo to the fridge and bring me the parmesan cheese...while you’re doing that I better write down what we’ve done.

OSCAR scampers off and brings back a pack of shredded parmesan cheese.KEVIN takes the cheese from OSCAR and sprinkles it into the mixture.

KEVIN (CONT/D)Not that I don’t trust youOscar, but I must be precisewith the cheese. Now put therest back in the fridge, andbring back the bream fillets.

OSCARNo worries Kev.

KEVIN mixes the batter and then sniffs it.

KEVINAh...perfect. Have a whiff of this Oscar.

OSCAR sniffs and pulls back.

OSCARIt smells like rotten socksKev.

KEVINYou do not have a culinarybone in your body Oscar...

(eyes lift upwards)Here comes the others with theoil...now Oscar, I’ll gentlydust each fillet with flour and then place them into themixture. The secret is to letthem marinate for a good houror so.

OSCARAn hour Kev?

KEVINYes, in the open on the table.You will never eat battered fish like it.

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61

KEVINYou got the oil okay boys?

TEDDYYeah, they only had two litrecontainers of vegetable oil.

KEVINThey’re not very healthconscience here are they?

(beat)Anyway, everything’s ready to fire up now.

MARTYYou’ve battered the fish?

KEVINTake a look on the table.

TEDDYShouldn’t you put it in thefridge, or at least cover it.

KEVIN(chuckles)

Leave the cooking to me fellas.I know what I’m doing...nowwhat about we all face the fire and have a good old chin wag over a beer while we wait for the fish to marinate inthe batter.

MARTYI just hope you haven’tstuffed anything up...again.

KEVIN laughs and shakes his head.

MARTY, TEDDY, OSCAR and KEVIN face the fire. There is ample laughter and VOICE OVER in the background.A mouse scampers onto the table and begins to sniff around the bowl of battered fish. The mouse eats a shred of parmesan cheese left on the table.The mouse attempts to climb up onto the rim of the bowl of battered fish...and succeeds...only to fall in.The mouse struggles in the batter and is soon coated.

KEVIN stands up.

62

KEVINOscar, up you get and pour the oil into the boiler.

OSCARAll of it?

KEVINYeah, it’ll add some flavour...Do youse want some chips aswell?

MARTYWhy not.

KEVINOkay Oscar, chip up half adozen spuds.

OSCARNo worries Kev...big chips orlittle chips?

KEVINChips Oscar...chips.

OSCAR places the boiler container with the vegetable oil onto the wire mesh above the fire.

TEDDYKeep an eye on that oil Oscar won’t you.

OSCARWhat do you mean Ted?

TEDDYDon’t let it catch on fire.

KEVINDon’t panic Teddy. I’m incharge. Everything will befine.

MARTYYeah, right.

KEVINDo you want the fish cookedfirst or the chips?

TEDDYThe fish of course.

63

KEVINOkay then I’ll put the fillets

on a plate and start cooking.

OSCARWe should use the left overbatter on potato cakes...whatdo you reckon boys?

TEDDYSuits me.

MARTYMe too.

KEVIN lifts out a fillet of bream and places it on a plate. KEVIN picks up the mouse by the tail and has a shocked look on his face. With no one looking, KEVIN quietly walks to the edge of the rotunda and tosses the battered mouse into the night.KEVIN proceeds to place the bream fillets onto a plate.KEVIN places the bream fillets into the hot oil and cooks them.

Sitting in chairs around the fire, MARTY, KEVIN, OSCAR eat the battered bream, while KEVIN looks on with a sheepish expression.The battered mouse enters the rotunda and runs across the floor between the fire and the MEN.MARTY stops eating.

MARTYI hope that doesn’t mean what I think it means.

TEDDYMy God.

OSCARWhat’s the matter?

KEVIN(stammers)

Put the chips on Oscar.

MARTY and TEDDY stand up and face KEVIN with angry looks on their faces.OSCAR dumps the potato chips into the oil and the oil bubbles up and onto the fire. The mesh collapses and the boiler of oil tips over. Burning oil rushes out onto the surrounds and panic sets in.The fire quickly takes hold.

64

KEVINQuick, quick, throw everythinginto the cars.

OSCARWhat about the fire Kev?

KEVINBugger the fire, let’s get outof here.

All the tents and equipment is thrown into the two cars and they leave the area.KEVIN looks ahead over the steering wheel and OSCAR stares across at him.Behind the fleeing cars is a bright glow in the night sky.A fire truck coming from the opposite direction with lights flashing passes them.

EXT. LAKE TYERS/TRIDENT ARM - DAWN

Dawn breaks over KEVIN’S four wheel drive vehicle and TEDDY’S ute parked at the end of a road looking down on Lake Tyers.KEVIN, OSCAR, MARTY and TEDDY begin to stir. They have slept in the cars.KEVIN steps out of his four wheel drive vehicle, yawns and stretches.A dishevelled OSCAR gets out of KEVIN’S CAR and scratches himself.MARTY and TEDDY watch from TEDDY’S ute.

KEVINCome on fellas, let’s up andat it.

TEDDYUp and at what?

KEVINIt’s a beautiful morning.Don’t waste it.

MARTYIt’s already bloody wastedthanks to you.

KEVINMe! What have I done now?

MARTY looks across at TEDDY.

65

MARTYIs this bugger for real?

TEDDY chuckles and shakes his head.

TEDDYLet’s see what the clown hason offer aye.

MARTYWell it won’t be bloodybreakfast, that’s for sure.

KEVIN looks down at the rubbish strewn around the rubbish bin.

KEVINLook at this mess Oscar. Can you pick it up and put it in the bin.

OSCARMe! On my own.

KEVINYes Oscar, on your own. I don’t want a dog and have todo the barking myself.

OSCARDog! What are you talking about Kev?

KEVINJust clean up Oscar. If we’regunna be here a couple of days, we don’t want dashed vermin scavenging around the rubbish do we.

TEDDYHey hang on Kev, what’s thiscouple of days business?

KEVINI thought we might set up camphere and um...

MARTY interrupts.

66

MARTYAnd um what. We’ve got nothingto eat...nothing to cook itin...and no bloody interest inyour hair brained schemes anymore.

KEVINDon’t get narky with me Marty,it wasn’t my fault you know.Anyway you inconsideratebugger...what about thinkingabout me for a change and whyyou are here.

(morose)I’ve basically got nothingtowards this book I’m tryingto put together.

MARTYWell you certainly won’t getnothing camping here either,so let’s go home.

KEVIN kicks the ground in anger.

KEVINYou’re a mongrel Marty. You’retotally unfair.

MARTYSo you think I’m unfair, thenlet’s have a vote.

(beat)Put your hand up if you wantto stay.

KEVIN puts his hand up and OSCAR gingerly puts his hand up.

MARTYYou bloody told me you wanted to go home Oscar.

OSCAR(stammers)

I, I don’t want to let Kevdown. He, he really wants topublish his book.

MARTY blows his cheeks out and looks across at TEDDY.MARTY sighs.

67

MARTYAll right Kevin, we’ll staytonight and that’s it.

KEVINOh beauty Marty...you’re a real sport. Come on let’s getthe tents up.

MARTYBugger the tents Kev, I wantbreakfast.

KEVINUm...we haven’t really gotanything to eat.

MARTYIs there any flour left?

KEVINI think there’s two packetsMarty...hey that’s it, I’llmake youse a damper.

MARTYNo you bloody won’t...I’llmake the damper...you and Oscar collect some firewoodwhile Teddy gets the firegoing.

KEVINBut...but...

MARTYDo as you’re bloody told.

KEVINAll right...all right...come on Oscar.

KEVIN and OSCAR walk off.TEDDY scrunches up some paper and pours methylated spirits over it and lights it after placing dried grass and twigs over the paper.MARTY pours a bag of flour into a camp oven. MARTY pours in two stubby bottles of beer. MARTY picks up the salt, pepper, mixed herbs, paprika, Worcestershire sauce, baking soda containers and sprinkles each into the mix. MARTY dollops a heaped tablespoon of margarine in and a tablespoon of honey. MARTY blends the mixture with his hands.

68

KEVIN and OSCAR return with wood for the fire.KEVIN looks at the damper mix.

KEVIN(laughs)

What have you done Marty...What a bloody mess...oh wellanother failure coming up.

MARTYWait until you taste it beforeyou throw any sarcasticcomments...now get down to the lake and bring back a billy of water.

KEVINOscar, get a billy of water.

OSCARNo worries Kev...full or halffull.

MARTYFull you bloody dill...I’d getit except I’m not lettingthis damper out of my sight.

(beat)In fact, Teddy get me theshotgun will you.

KEVINWhoa...whoa...I promise Iwon’t touch it.

MARTYI know that, but you’re making the tea, and if I catch you turning it into koala piss with gum leaves...

MARTY fires the shotgun into the air.Everybody ducks and pellets rain down on them all.

MARTY, TEDDY, KEVIN and OSCAR sit in their fold up chairseating the damper and drinking tea.KEVIN stands up and walks across towards the lake.

69

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA)Today we’re fishing. This time I’m cooking the fish in foil. I would love to use the traditional method of caking the fish in mud, but I have towatch Marty; I don’t think fish mud cakes will unload his shotgun.

KEVIN gazes around the lake.

KEVIN (CONT/D)Well I better get a rocketunder the boys I suppose.

(beat)Oh yeah, before we start, Ibetter see if Marty will giveme his damper recipe and thenscrub out ‘place two gum leaves in the billy of tea’... although I think Marty’s got it wrong...koala piss!

EXT. WATERS EDGE ON LAKE TYERS - DAY

KEVIN, MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR are fishing side by side.

MARTYBy the way Kev, tonightyou’re gunna be the penciller.

KEVINPenciller?

MARTYYeah, you stand back and writedown my recipe.

TEDDY(chuckles)

I suppose you’ll want royalties you scheming bugger.

MARTYNo, I just want to eat inpeace...you know what I mean,not wondering what processour tucker has had to gothrough before we have tothrow it out.

70

KEVINCome on Marty. Okay I’ll admit one or two failures, but you’re still alive, you’re not hungry and...the peacefulisolation.

(beat) Ah the freedom.

KEVIN’S fishing rod bends over.

TEDDYGeez, you got one Kev. Reel it in.

MARTYKeep your bloody line tight.

KEVINBlimey it’s big whatever it is.

OSCARYou might be right about your grandpa’s rod Kev.

TEDDYWhat!

KEVIN(straining)

Get the net Oscar. I won’t be able to lift this beauty out.

OSCAR kneels down and places the net under a huge flathead.

MARTYBloody hell! That’s the biggest flathead I’ve ever seen.

A voice (JACK LEES – FISHING INSPECTOR) distracts KEVIN,MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR.

JACK(O/S)

Hey fellas, what’s going on?

(beat)Gee, that’s a nice flattie.

The flathead flops around in the net.

71

KEVINYeah, I know how to hook them.

JACKYou hooked him?

KEVINCertainly did.

JACKGood. Can I see your fishinglicence then?

(beat)In fact can I have a look atall your licences please.

(beat)I want to look in your bags as well.

MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR pull out their wallets and produce their licence.KEVIN fiddles around in his pockets.

KEVIN(stammers)

I’ve left mine up in the car.

JACKYou what? You know you’resupposed to carry your licenceon you at all times whenfishing.

(beat)I should book you.

KEVINCan you give me five minutes...please.

JACK glares at KEVIN for a short time.

JACKAll right, but don’t muck meabout.

KEVIN runs back to his four wheel drive vehicle.JACK waits with MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR.KEVIN lets out a blood curdling scream. (O/S)JACK, MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR run toward the cars.

72

The huge flathead flops out of the net and back into the lake.The huge flathead tightens the line and pulls KEVIN’S heirloom bream rod into the lake.

EXT. CAMPING SITE/LAKE TYERS - DAY

MARTY, TEDDY, OSCAR and JACK reach the camping site and look around for KEVIN.Three (eight foot long) goannas are hanging around the rubbish bin and cars.

MARTYBlimey look at the size of those goanna’s.

JACKThey’re always here checkingout the rubbish bins.

MARTYBloody hell!

JACKThey’re tame as buggery.

MARTY(raised tone)

Kevin, where the bloody hellare you?

KEVIN is hiding in the scrub.

KEVIN (O/S)

I’m here in the scrub.

MARTYCome out, its okay. Thesegoanna’s are as tame asbuggery.

KEVIN (O/S)

I can’t...Oscar, can youbring me a clean pair of undies and jeans.

OSCARNo worries Kev. Do you wantyour pink frilly undies.

73

JACKBe careful where you put yourfeet in there mate. The bushis full of tiger snakes aroundhere.

OSCAR(yells out)

Did you hear that Kev?

KEVIN (V/O)Hear what Oscar?

OSCARThe bush is full of tigersnakes around here.

KEVIN (O/S)

Oh...

JACKI think your mate just passed out.

EXT. HIGHWAY SHOTS - DAY

KEVIN’S four wheel drive vehicle and TEDDY’S ute are videoed at different points along the highway driving home.

EXT. KEVIN WATTLE’S BACKYARD - DAY

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA)It’s four weeks to a month since our trip to the Bemm River.

KEVIN takes a deep breath.

KEVIN (CONT/D)I got basically nothing out of it...apart from Marty’s damper recipe. On second thoughts though, it’s not a true damper so I may have to discard it as well.

(raises eyebrows)I have learnt a lot though...you must have all your faithin yourself and don’t trustanyone else...particularlywhen it comes to food tastes.

74

KEVIN sighs and waves his arm in a sweeping motion.

KEVIN (CONT/D)I’ve added a few more um...needed camping utensils forthe next trip...although atthe moment I am havingtrouble convincing Teddy andMarty to come along...shame,they have learnt a lot from me.

(beat)Anyway, they’ll come around.All it needs is my persuasiveskills to build up theirconfidence...Oscar is chafingat the bit.

(beat)Look around. I’ve added ahigh class dunny, replaced theboiler with a you-beautstainless one. Here’s my brandnew pannikin...the boys havecups. I believe I should standout from them. What else is there?

(beat)Oh yeah, just in case of anemergency...thank God wehaven’t had a real catastropheyet...there’s tinned food,dried meat, and um...packetsof pre-mixed damper. All youdo is add water...I’m sureeven Oscar could manage that.

(beat)Well that’s it. All I have todo is pack the four wheeldrive...I might slip aroundand convince Marty and Teddy.

KEVIN picks up a six-pack of beer.

KEVIN (CONT/D)This should do the trick.

INT. MARTY’S HOUSE - DAY

MARTY and TEDDY look down at KEVIN with amusement.KEVIN is on his knees with his hands clasped.

75

KEVINPlease...please...please don’tlet me down. This trip willbe the last I promise.

TEDDY(chuckles)

Where do you intend to go thistime?

KEVINThe Barmah Forest...there’sMurray Cod, rabbits, kangaroo,ducks and God knows whatelse...please I really needyouse on this trip.

MARTY and TEDDY make eye contact. MARTY gives a slight nod.

MARTYNow this will be the lastcamping trip that we’ll haveto suffer, is that right?

KEVINHonest.

MARTYOkay then, we’ll go with you...but this is the last time.

KEVIN stands up and hugs MARTY.

KEVINThank you...thank you fellas.You don’t know how much this means to me.

TEDDYWhen do we leave?

KEVINFriday.

MARTYWell you better get home andget ready.

KEVIN walks to the front door and opens it. With a huge grin, KEVIN looks back at MARTY and TEDDY and winks.KEVIN leaves.

76

MARTY(chuckles)

I can promise you old son. Kev will never ask us on another one of his hair brain camping trips...I will make sure of that.

TEDDYWhat are you gunna do?

MARTYLet’s say the old practicaljoker inside Marty ispreparing to leap out.

TEDDYOh God no.

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

TEDDY’S ute leads KEVIN’S four wheel drive vehicle and is videoed at different points along the highway.TEDDY turns off the highway and pulls up in front of a hotel.KEVIN pulls up beside TEDDY.

KEVINWhat are you stopping for?

MARTYDrinks.

KEVINDrinks! Your car is full ofdrinks.

MARTYIt’s not pub beer though.

KEVIN sighs and shakes his head.

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA)I’ve got a bad feeling aboutthis trip.

EXT. HOTEL - DAY

MARTY, TEDDY, KEVIN and OSCAR walk out the exit door. KEVIN trips and staggers.MARTY frowns.

77

MARTYAre you okay Kev?

KEVINOf course I’m okay.

KEVIN fumbles and drops his keys.

MARTYOscar, you go with Teddy. I’ll drive Kev’s car.

KEVINNo fear. Nobody else drivesmy car.

MARTYThen we stay here until yousober up.

OSCARWhat’s wrong Kev, are you drunk? Gee, I thought you were drinking light beer.

TEDDY grins and faces away from KEVIN and moves close to MARTY.

TEDDY(whispers)

So did Kev...you’re a mongrel Marty.

MARTY(chuckles)

Yeah, vodka does give beer alift...good stuff aye?

KEVIN slumps into the passenger side front seat with the help of MARTY and TEDDY.

MARTY pulls to the roadside in front of a butchers shop.TEDDY pulls up in his ute behind KEVIN.KEVIN is sound asleep.MARTY walks inside the butchers shop.TEDDY walks off along the streetMARTY returns to KEVIN’S four wheel drive vehicle with packages wrapped. (meat)TEDDY returns with two loaves of bread.MARTY drives off, followed by TEDDY.

78

INT/EXT. KEVIN’S FOUR WHEEL DRIVE VEHICLE - DAY

MARTY turns off a main road onto a track. There is a large puddle of water and he drives into it, losing control of the four wheel drive vehicle, and spins around in a circle before stopping.KEVIN is thrown around in the cabin, and wakes up in a panic.

KEVINGeez! What did we hit! Whatdid we hit?

KEVIN’S HEAD swivels back and forth.MARTY tries hard not to laugh.TEDDY pulls up and he too is laughing.OSCAR has a look of dismay on his face.

MARTY(chuckles)

Water Kev...just a bloody big puddle of water.

KEVINBloody hell! I could have hada heart attack you fool Marty.

MARTYHey I didn’t mean it.

KEVINI knew I should have drove.

MARTYYeah well you could if youknew how to hold your grog...now you better get out andpush.

KEVIN looks out his window at the water below his door and with an angry look on his face, he looks back at MARTY.KEVIN opens his door.

MARTYSettle down Kev, it’s a four wheel drive. I’ll get us out.

KEVIN spins the wheels and muddy water flies everywhere, and the four wheel drive snakes back onto the track.MARTY looks across at a drenched KEVIN.

79

MARTY(laughing)

You dill! Why didn’t you wind your window up?

EXT. BARMAH RED GUM FOREST - DAY

MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR work in the background behind KEVIN setting the camp up.KEVIN is erecting the toilet. Scattered around his feet are poles, ropes and canvas toilet.

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA)This truly is a creaturecomfort, especially seeing weum...had ti-tree and blackberry bushes on our lasttwo outings. God knows how many blowies were doing a round trip from the dunny to the plate.

KEVIN finishes erecting the frame and gives it a little shake.

KEVIN (CONT/D)Steady as a rock aye...now I’ll pull the cover up over and do up the ties.

KEVIN steps back to admire his work.

KEVIN (CONT/D)I suppose the right thing todo would be to test the zipper...it’s handy because it will only zip from the inside...a good thing for privacy.

(beat)I’ll give it a test.

KEVIN steps inside the toilet and does up the zip.The toilet moves slightly and then a little more forcefully.

KEVIN (O/S)

The blasted zip is stuck.(calls out)

Hey fellas, can someone giveme a hand?

80

MARTY looks across at TEDDY with a devilish grin on his face.

MARTYCome on Teddy boy, let’s seewhat he’s done this time.

KEVIN (O/S)(shouts)

Hey, will youse help me getout of here.

MARTY and TEDDY walk across to the toilet. OSCAR watches from the campsite.

MARTYWhat’s your problem this time Kev?

KEVIN (O/S)

The blasted zip is stuck andI can’t get out.

MARTYSo you want us to give you ahand do you?

KEVIN (O/S)

Of course.

MARTY nudges TEDDY and points to a tie rope and wiggles a finger in a circle.TEDDY unties the tie ropes.

MARTYWe’ll have you out of there ina flash Kev.

MARTY and TEDDY push the toilet over with KEVIN in it. The seat and pan are knocked over as well.

KEVIN(shouting)

You bloody fools. What are you doing?

TEDDYYou said the zip was stuck andyou wanted to get out didn’tyou?

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KEVINYeah, but I didn’t mean...ohlook what you’ve done you pair of nitwits. You bent oneof the bloody poles...didyouse have to be so bloodychildish.

OSCAR rushes up.

OSCARQuick I’m busting. Stand thedunny up...hurry!

MARTY and TEDDY quickly straighten the bent pole and lift the toilet over OSCAR.

MARTYYell out when you’re finishedand we’ll lift Kev’s catastrophe off you.

OSCAR (O/S)

Oh...oh...what a relief.(sighs)

No, its okay, I’ll just undo this zip.

OSCAR pulls the zip down and looks out.KEVIN grins and shakes his head.

KEVIN and OSCAR fuss around the table. A boiler and vegetables are on the table.

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA)Marty and Teddy have gone fishing thank God. I don’tknow what’s got into them thistrip. I think they’ve overdosedon ‘pest pills’.

(beat)Anyway, it’s given Oscar andmyself a free run in thekitchen. I’m about to knockup another veggie soup...andthis soup will definitely stayin this pot. I feel queasy inthe gut thinking about thatchamber pot... it’s convincedme though the mind has a lot to do with our palate.

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OSCAR picks up a knife.

OSCARDo you want me to start cutting up veggies Kev?

KEVINYes Oscar.

OSCARNo worries Kev, I’ll startwith this...Ow!

KEVINWhat’s happened? What have youdone Oscar?

OSCAR holds up a bleeding finger.

OSCARI’ve cut myself Kev.

KEVINSo you have Oscar. Don’t panic.I’ll get out the first aid kit.

KEVIN picks up the first aid kit from the back of his four wheel drive vehicle.

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA)You can never think thateverything will go to plan...accidents do happen...especially to uncoordinatedblokes like Oscar. He’s luckyI’m here to look after hiswell being.

(beat)I’ll just put this bandaid onhis sliced finger. It’ll make him feel better...I mean it’s hardly a scratch.

KEVIN places the band aid on OSCAR’S finger.

KEVINThere you go Oscar, now backinto the veggies, but be alittle more careful aye.

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OSCARNo worries Kev...you don’tthink it might need stitches?

KEVIN(smiles)

No Oscar...just try and notget any blood on the veggies.

MARTY and TEDDY yell out (O/S) over by the river.

OSCARI wonder what’s happened?

KEVINGee I hope one of ‘em hasn’tended up in the water...comeon Oscar.

KEVIN and OSCAR rush off.

EXT. MURRAY RIVER BANK - DAY

A pelican is flapping its wings on the water.TEDDY has the pelican hooked by the chest. MARTY is on his knees at the water’s edge.KEVIN and OSCAR arrive.

KEVINWhat’s going on?

MARTYSteady Ted...keep your linetight.

TEDDY(straining)

Bloody hell, he’s hard to hold.

OSCARYou’ve hooked a pelican! Whydid you do that?

KEVINI don’t think Teddy meant toOscar...although, those two have been acting weird.

MARTYBring him closer and I’ll grab him by the neck.

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KEVINWatch out for his beak. He could do some damage with that by crikey.

MARTY grabs the pelican by the neck and hauls it onto the bank. TEDDY grabs the pelican and clamps his hands around its beak.MARTY takes out the hook.

OSCARAre you gunna let it go now?

KEVINHang on, don’t be too hasty, I think I’ve got a recipe forpelican in the car.

MARTY and TEDDY make eye contact.

OSCARFair go Kev, you can’t kill it.

TEDDYThat’s right Oscar, we’re notgoing to kill it.

MARTYWill we let it go?

OSCARWhy don’t we take it back tothe camp and see if it willeat some bread.

KEVINBread! We haven’t got anybread.

OSCARYes we have. Teddy boughtsome when you were drunk in the car.

KEVINWhy did you buy bread? I wasgunna make damper.

MARTYFor that reason alone, webought bread.

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(beat) MARTY

Come on let’s get this birdback to the camp and see ifit’s hungry.

MARTY stands behind the pelican with a wing in each hand and begins to force the bird onwards.

EXT. CAMP SITE - DAY

MARTY stands behind the pelican with a wing in each hand.TEDDY leans across the tailgate of his ute, reaching for the bread.KEVIN and OSCAR watch.The pelican’s head arches back and its beak opens slightly.

KEVIN(chuckles)

Look, it’s gunna bite Teddy on the bum.

The pelican turns its head and grabs KEVIN’S face and twists.KEVIN shouts in fright and MARTY drags away the pelican that doesn’t want to let go.KEVIN’S face has blood all over it with cuts on his nose, cheek and inside his mouth.MARTY let’s the pelican go and it waddles about twenty feet away, stops, and ruffles its feathers.MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR laugh at KEVIN’S misfortune.

KEVINWill somebody get me a towel...Oscar, go and get a bucket ofwater, and then someone’s gunna have to take me to the hospital.

MARTYHang on, stop panicking Kev.Let’s wipe away the blood andsee how bad it really is. Itmight only be a few littlescratches.

KEVIN(raises his voice)

Scratches! The bloody thingtore half my face off...andwhat about bird flu?

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KEVIN has band aids stuck all over his face. MARTY and TEDDY stare with smirks on their faces.OSCAR has a look of concern.

OSCARWill I keep cutting up theveggies Kev?

MARTYHold on Oscar. What are youcutting the veggies up for Kev?

KEVINVegetable soup.

MARTYNow listen here Kev, I thought you wanted to write a cook book.

KEVINThat’s what I’m doing.

MARTY(raises his voice)

Well why make the same soupevery time.

KEVINI was gunna try something new tomorrow.

MARTYNo, you can start something new now.

KEVINWhat do you want then?

MARTYWhat about a meat and veggiepie fellas?

KEVIN(chuckles)

Then you better get the shotgun out and go and shootsomething...we haven’t got any meat.

OSCARYes we have Kev.

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KEVINDon’t tell me, when I wasasleep.

OSCARThat’s right Kev.

MARTYI bought some stewing steak,I’ll go and get it.

KEVINIf youse want a pie, you’vegot to have puff pastry.

MARTYYou reckon you’re a cook...make some!

KEVIN(stammers)

Make some...I dunno how.

MARTY shakes his head and stands up.

MARTYI’ll bloody make it then. You just stand there, watch...and write down what I do.

KEVIN sheepishly picks up his exercise book and a pen.

MARTY (CONT/D)Oscar, you keep the beer up to me, and be the dogsbody.

OSCARBut Kev wants the veggies cut,don’t you Kev.

MARTY(shouts)

Oscar! Get the bloody flour.

OSCAR rushes off.

MARTYNow write this down...a poundof flour...Oscar, grab thebutter.

OSCARWe’ve only got margarine Marty.

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MARTYBloody hell Oscar! Butter,margarine...it’s all thebloody same.

KEVINDon’t be too hard on Oscar.

MARTYShut up Kev and write...bringthe salt...don’t worry Oscar,it’s on the table.

(beat)Is there any cold water?

KEVINIn the fridge Oscar.

MARTYAnd lemon juice?

KEVINNo.

MARTYVinegar.

KEVINYeah, we’ve got a bottle.

MARTYWhere is it?

KEVINIn the larder tent.

MARTY points to the larder tent.

MARTYCan you get the vinegar Teddy...I don’t want any bloody metho in this.

KEVINGive us a break Marty, you goon and on and on...it was anaccident.

MARTYOkay...I’m just making sure noaccidents happen here.

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KEVIN and OSCAR watch MARTY mix the puff pastry.

MARTYOkay now, cut up the meat andveggies. Make sure they’re diced small. Did you bring gravy? No, didn’t think so.We can use flour.

(beat)You’ve got all this writtendown haven’t you Kev.

KEVINToo right.

MARTYOkay, now Teddy and I aregunna go and get our fishingrods and then sit down and have a beer while you cook this pie...remember...make sure you’ve got a hot fire before you put the camp oven in it.

KEVINHot fire...point taken.

The pie in the camp oven sits on the table.KEVIN leans over the top sniffing the pie.

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA)Hmm, smell that...and look atthe pastry...you couldn’t getbetter in a bakery. I have toadmit, this tops veggie soup...for a start you don’t have pastry in veggie soup but if you did, would you call it a veggie soup pie? I suppose you could call it pasta...I’ll get Oscar to put out the plates and I’ll serve the pie up.

KEVIN takes another sniff of the pie and winks to the camera.

KEVINOscar, set the plates please.

OSCARYes Kev, how many.

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KEVINWell how many of us is there?

OSCARUm...fi...four...four.

KEVIN shakes his head and his eyes reach for the heavens.KEVIN slices into the pie.

KEVINNow Oscar, when I put thispiece of pie on the plate,take it to Marty.

OSCAR Yes Kev.

KEVIN places the piece of pie on a plate.OSCAR picks up a knife and fork with the plate. OSCAR is about to walk away.KEVIN grabs OSCAR’S arm, and motions to put the plate back on the table.KEVIN picks up a fork and lifts a band aid out of the pie.KEVIN motions ‘keep quiet’ to OSCAR with a finger on his lips.OSCAR frowns, picks up the plate and takes it to MARTY.

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA)(softly)

You can’t help wondering about Oscar, can you.

Dirty plates sit on the table.TEDDY buckles up a belt full of shotgun cartridges.MARTY picks up his shotgun.

MARTYAre you two coming?

OSCARI’ll stay here Marty. I don’tlike guns.

KEVINI’d love to come but I can’tleave Oscar on his own.

MARTYOh well if that’s the case,Teddy and I’ll try and bail up a couple of rabbits. What are you fellas gunna do?

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KEVINOscar and I might have a fish.What do you reckon Oscar.

OSCAROh yeah Kev. I hope we don’tcatch a pelican though.

KEVINYeah well if I do, I’ll becutting the line.

OSCARI thought you had a recipe forpelican stew.

MARTYIf he cooks pelican stew Oscar,then he’ll go in it as well.

KEVIN(chuckles)

You’re a funny man Marty.

MARTYYeah, a seriously funny man...just get out a recipe forcooking rabbits...we’ll beback soon.

KEVINOkay then...our next two mealswill be rabbit and Murray Cod.

EXT. MURRAY RIVER BANK - DAY

OSCAR is fighting a fish hooked on his line.KEVIN kneels on the bank with a net in his hands.

KEVINPlay him down this way Oscar.

OSCARI can hardly hold it.

KEVINDon’t try and lift it.

(beat)Just play him along...that’sgood Oscar.

KEVIN puts the net underneath the fish (carp) and lifts.

92

KEVIN (CONT/D)Oh look at that for a big cod.

OSCAR pushes his chest out and has a huge grin on his face.

KEVIN (CONT/D)Look at that aye Oscar. Ireckon it weighs at leastthree kilo’s. The boys will be proud of you.

Two shotgun blasts (O/S) can be heard in the distance.KEVIN places his hand on OSCAR’S arm.

KEVIN (CONT/D)Hear that Oscar...what a day. I’d say we’ve a bunny in the bag as well.

KEVIN places the fish into a hessian bag.

KEVINRight-I-O Oscar, clean andscale your fish and then we’ll walk back to the camp.

OSCARWhy can’t you clean it Kevwhile I catch another one.

KEVIN places his hand on OSCAR’S shoulder.

KEVINThere’s one thing you mustlearn about camping in the bush. You should only take what you need, and besides, Murray Cod are an endangered species so let’s just enjoy the moment Oscar. You are a very lucky man to hook a fish like this...Now scale and gut it.

EXT. CAMP SITE - DAY

KEVIN organizes utensils and food on the table.MARTY and TEDDY walk onto the camp site.MARTY is carrying a skun animal (cat)

MARTYHere you go Kev.

93

MARTY places the carcass on the table.KEVIN has a big grin on his face.

KEVINLook at this Oscar.

KEVIN rubs his hands together.

OSCARYeah Kev.

(wary)What is it?

KEVINIt’s a rabbit you goose...well come on, we’ll have a vote. Will it be rabbit or cod for tea?

TEDDYCod...did you blokes hook acod?

OSCARYeah, and a real big one too.

MARTYYou’re kidding us. Let’s havea look at it.

OSCARIt’s in the fridge.

MARTY and TEDDY walk to the back of KEVIN’S four wheel drive vehicle and open the fridge.MARTY chuckles and shakes his head.

MARTYYou pair of bloody dills...it’s a flaming carp.

KEVINA carp...no.

MARTYIt bloody well is...what apair of...

KEVIN interrupts.

KEVINWell it doesn’t matter.

94

KEVIN opens his exercise book.

KEVIN (CONT/D)I’ve got a beautiful recipefor carp here.

MARTY makes eye contact with TEDDY and frowns.

KEVINI have to marinate itovernight though.

(beat)Oscar...get the carp out ofthe fridge, and um...thevinegar, garlic, chilli powder,um...soy sauce...thank God Iremembered the soy sauce.

OSCAR places the carp on the table.

OSCARIt don’t smell too good Kev.

KEVINOscar, that is why we marinate the fish. By tomorrow morning it will smell as sweet as a rosebud.

(chuckles)Marty and Teddy might want toeat it raw for brekkie, sochop-chop Oscar, cut the fishup into steaks and add whatI told you to. I’ll...

(licks his lips)prepare the bunny.

KEVIN adds salt, pepper and a sliced onion into the camp oven and then places the lid on.

KEVINOscar, put the bunny on to cook.

OSCARRighto Kev.

TEDDY looks into the boiler at the marinating carp.TEDDY frowns and looks across at MARTY.TEDDY shakes his head.

95

TEDDYListen Kev, you’re not fair dinkum about eating this carp are you?

KEVIN points a knife at TEDDY.

KEVINYou leave that fish alone...there’s nothing wrong witheating carp...Oscar, where did I put my exercise book? I want to write down the rabbit recipe before I forget it.

TEDDYKev, why don’t you and Oscargo and have a fish for a real fish.

MARTY(chuckles)

Yeah, and if you catch a nicecod we can feed a pelican aye.

OSCARThat’s a good idea Kev...I can show you how to catch a cod.

KEVIN picks up a fishing rod and his eyes reach for the heavens.

MARTY(smiling)

We’ll keep an eye on the rabbit.

OSCAR lifts the camp oven off the fire and carries it to the table.KEVIN lifts the lid and sniffs.

KEVINAh...magic. Oscar.

OSCARYes Kev, what do you want?

KEVINWhat about boiling the billywhile I serve up the rabbit.

KEVIN lifts the ‘rabbit’ onto a plate.MARTY and TEDDY make eye contact and smile.

96

KEVIN roughly slices the meat and places a portion onto a plate.TEDDY walks away.

MARTYTry it Kev.

KEVINTry it?

MARTYYeah, we’d like to hear whatthe chef thinks wouldn’t weOscar.

OSCARToo right...go on Kev, see ifthe bunny’s nice and tender.

KEVINOkay then.

KEVIN forks some meat into his mouth and chews.KEVIN closes his eyes ecstatically.

KEVINBloody beautiful.

TEDDY calls out from behind.

TEDDYHey Kev.

KEVIN turns around.TEDDY has a cat skin over his head with the cat’s head on his forehead.

TEDDYMiaow... miaow ...miaow.

A look of horror appears on KEVIN’S face.

KEVINYou bloody idiots!

MARTY and TEDDY laugh loudly.

KEVIN (CONT/D)Look at all the time I wasted cooking this cat. You’re gunna have to bloody starve now...bloody crackpots, that’s all youse are.

97

TEDDY(chuckling)

Get the chops out of the fridge Oscar.

OSCARNo, Kev said you’re gunna have to starve.

TEDDY(raises his voice)

Get the bloody chops Oscar.

OSCAR(stammers)

Yea...yes Teddy.

KEVINHang on Oscar, before you suck up to this pair of hilarity...pour my cup of tea please.

OSCARYes, no worries Kev.

OSCAR places the boiling billy on the table and tries to pick up KEVIN’S tin pannikin.

OSCAR (CONT/D)I can’t lift your mug Kev.

KEVINWhat do you mean, you’re notthat weak Oscar.

OSCARI can’t lift it Kev...it’sstuck.

KEVIN attempts to lift his tin pannikin, and then looks into it.The tin pannikin is nailed to the table.MARTY and TEDDY burst out laughing.

KEVINKids...why are you pair ofbludgers acting like spoiledbloody brats?

MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR eat lamb chops between slices of bread.OSCAR has tomato sauce all around his mouth.

98

KEVIN watches them all eat, and then coyly reaches down and picks up a chop and two slices of bread.

MORNING

MARTY, KEVIN, TEDDY and OSCAR make their own breakfast.It is all done in silence.MARTY sits down in his fold up chair, holding a cup and then takes a deep breath.

MARTYAll right I’m sorry about the cat.

KEVINSo you should be sorry, butnot about the cat...I’ve eaten cat before.

TEDDYYou have?

KEVINOf course...you’ve eaten dimsims haven’t you?

MARTY(laughs)

Yeah, I never thought of that.

KEVINSo it’s not eating cat that’smade me mad, it’s one of youdills nailing my pannikin tothe bench.

MARTYIt was a bit silly wasn’t it?

(beat)I tell you what Kev. We’ll getfair dinkum for you today. We’ll go and hunt up some bushtucker and give you a real fair dinkum go.

KEVINGuilty conscience aye?

TEDDYYeah.

99

MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR walk away from the camp site with a hessian bag and one shotgun.KEVIN watches with hands on hips and a shake of his head.

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA)It’s about time those two come to their senses. I would have gone with them but they need to show a bit of their own initiative. I can’t be pampering them all the time.

KEVIN walks across to the boiler sitting beneath a gum tree.KEVIN looks down and a frown appears on his face.

KEVIN (CONT/D)That’s funny. Where did the carp go?

KEVIN looks around and notices huge paw prints of an animal indented in the ground.KEVIN looks around him with a worried look on his face.

KEVIN (CONT/D)Hells bells! Those paw printswould have to be from a lionor a tiger.

(panics)No, it’s probably from one of those pumas everyone talksabout.

KEVIN retreats to the camp site.KEVIN places all the wood on the fire.

KEVIN (CONT/D)I believe that wild animals don’t like fire.

(beat)(shouting)

Marty...Teddy...Marty.

EXT. ROADSIDE - DAY

MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR walk along the roadside.A car drives up from behind and stops beside them.In the car are TWO ABORIGINE MEN and ONE ABORIGINE GIRL.(CHARLIE SANDS, WALLY WHITE and MERYL WHITE)

100

CHARLIEG’day fellas, where are youwalking to?

MARTYYou wouldn’t want to know mate.

WALLYWhy wouldn’t we? We don’toften see three blokeswandering around with ashotgun and hessian bag.

(beat)You’re not out to clean upsomeone’s sheep are you?

OSCARNo...no. We’re looking forbush tucker.

CHARLIE/WALLY/MERYL (TOGETHER)(laugh)

Bush tucker?

MARTYYeah, but we don’t know whatwe’re looking for.

CHARLIE(chuckles)

Bush tucker went out with black and white mirrors ‘round here. What do you want to eat that stuff for?

OSCARBecause Kev’s writing a bookabout camping and cooking.

WALLYWhich one of youse is Kev?

OSCARNo...no, Kev’s back at camp.

CHARLIEOh dear.

MARTYActually we’re doing penance.

101

MERYLWhat’s penance?

OSCARThese two play jokes on Kevall the time, and Kev saysthey’ve got a guilty conscience.

CHARLIEJokes. We know some bloodygood jokes to play on him.

MARTYYou do?

OSCARNo more jokes Kev said.

MARTYI don’t care what Kev said.I’ll tell you something fornothing Oscar...you keep your gob shut when we get back to camp.

OSCAR(stammers)

I sure will Marty.

CHARLIEHop in the car and we’lldiscuss these jokes in the pub. I can’t talk when I’mdehydrated.

OSCARKev won’t be happy.

TEDDYOscar, button your lip.

INT. HOTEL BAR - DAY

CHARLIE, WALLY, MERYL, MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR sit around a table.MARTY and TEDDY are laughing with tears in their eyes.OSCAR has a worried look on his face.

CHARLIEFirst off we’ll stop at the Smiths and pick up theartichokes.

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MARTYAs well as a few other veggiesaye.

CHARLIEOf course. Smithy grows everybloody thing.

WALLYDo you want to drop Meryland me off at the actors guildfirst. We can start gettingready.

MARTY looks across at TEDDY and they both burst out laughing.OSCAR has a slight grin on his face.CHARLIE, WALLY, MERYL, MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR stand up and walk to the hotel exit door.

EXT. CAMP SITE - DAY

KEVIN fiddles around at the table, but all the time is looking around behind him.A BIRD calls out (O/S) behind him and KEVIN wheel’s around with a knife held up. KEVIN relaxes.A voice (MARTY) catches KEVIN’S attention from behind.

MARTY (O/S)

Look what we’ve kidnapped here Kev.

KEVIN turns around, and a look of horror appears across his face.OSCAR and TEDDY hold onto an arm each of MERYL. MERYL is dressed in a kangaroo skin skirt.MARTY throws the hessian bag of veggies onto the ground.

KEVINWho’s this? Where did she come from.

MARTYWe captured her in the bush...and there’s the bush tuckershe was gathering.

KEVIN(panics)

You kidnapped her! Let her go...you can’t do this.

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MARTYWhy not? We could do with a bitof female company couldn’t we?

KEVIN(hyperventilates)

Oh you’re...you’re just being...are you blokes on drugs.

(puffs out cheeks)Oscar, what have they given you?

A spear thumps into s tree between KEVIN and the CAMERA.A look of horror appears on KEVIN’S face.KEVIN looks to the direction from where the spear is thrown.CHARLIE and WALLY stand with spears, boomerangs and white ochre covering them.KEVIN screams loudly and runs off into the bush and hides behind a tree. Slowly KEVIN’S face begins to look across at the campsite from behind a tree.MARTY, TEDDY, OSCAR, MERYL, CHARLIE and WALLY are laughing.A look of anger appears on KEVIN’S face.

KEVIN paces up and down in front of MARTY, TEDDY, OSCAR, CHARLIE, WALLY and MERYL. All apart from OSCAR have smirks on their faces.KEVIN has a distinct wet patch on his crotch area.

KEVINThis is about the moststupidest bloody thing you pair have done to me.

(beat)And as for you others, youshould know better.

(beat)Oscar, get me a clean pair ofundies and jeans...I spilt thewater bottle on myself.

(beat)That’s it...I’m packing upand going home. You lot havereally upset me. Oscar...hurry up with those clothes...then you can start packing the car.

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104

(beat)KEVIN

I could have had a bloodyheart attack.

MARTYCome, on settle down Kev. It was only a bit of fun.

KEVIN(shouts)

Fun! You call that fun. Oneof those blokes only had to be ten foot off target and Iwould have been looking likea shashlik...and you call that fun.

CHARLIEHang on mate. There is no wayI would have hit you with thespear. I am spot on with mythrowing.

KEVINYeah, look how far you missedme by.

CHARLIE(chuckles)

I did miss by a fair bit didn’t I...look I’ll prove it to you.

KEVINHow?

CHARLIEYou stick a potato on yourhead and I’ll put a spearthrough it without touchingyou, no worries.

KEVIN (shouts)

Do you think I’m bloodystupid.

(beat)Put the potato on Marty’s head.

CHARLIE looks across at MARTY.

105

CHARLIEDo you trust me?

MARTYOscar, get a potato.

OSCAR brings a POTATO to MARTY.

MARTY (CONT/D)Up here Oscar.

OSCAR walks with MARTY.CHARLIE picks up a spear.

MARTY (CONT/D)Okay Oscar, just stand here.

MARTY goes to place the potato on OSCAR’S head.KEVIN reacts.

KEVIN(shouts)

No way are you gunna use Oscar as the Guinea Pig...Marty, tell your mate to putthe spear down.

CHARLIE, MARTY and TEDDY burst out laughing. MERYL and WALLY chuckle.KEVIN has a look of anger on his face.

MARTY and TEDDY look on as KEVIN and OSCAR pack up in silence. MARTY winks at TEDDY and TEDDY smiles.

MARTYAll right Kev, you win. We’re sorry about that little prank. It just seemed too good to pass up.

KEVINSorry...I’ll bet. Anyway I won’t have to put up with your rubbish any more.

MARTYTake a step back Kev...

MARTY points to the hessian sack.

MARTY (CONT/D)See that hessian sack overthere...have a look in it.

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KEVINI suppose there’s really a bloody tiger snake in there.

OSCARNo Kev...no, not all, it’s full of veggies.

MARTYSo instead of being in such a huff, why don’t you thinkabout staying another day.

KEVINBecause I’m sick to death ofbeing put through the wringer.

MARTYEating veggies won’t put youthrough the wringer Kev.

OSCAR walks over and picks up the hessian sack.OSCAR carries the hessian sack across to KEVIN.

OSCAR See Kev. It’s only vegetables.

KEVINOh, those spuds look rippers.

(beat)I suppose veggies could replacethe carp.

(beat)Um, I don’t want to scare youblokes, but um...we had a biganimal, possibly a puma snooping around in our camp last night.

TEDDYWhat?

KEVINYeah, it um...ate the carp.

TEDDYHow do you know this?

KEVINCome with me.

107

KEVIN leads MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR across to a gum tree.KEVIN points down to the paw prints.

KEVIN Look at that.

TEDDYCrikey!

MARTYWhatever it is, it’s big. What do you think Teddy, we better um, keep the shottie close by.

EDDYI reckon.

MARTYLook um...Kev. I’ll tell youwhat. We’ll cook up the veggies, have a good sleep and clear off home in the morning, what do you think?

KEVINNo more silly tricks then.

MARTYNo Kev, I can see the errorof my ways...I’m sorry.

KEVINOkay then...Oscar, startpeeling those spuds.

OSCARWhat about the carrots,cabbage and Brussels sprouts?

KEVIN(chuckles)

You don’t peel cabbage andBrussels sprouts you dill Oscar.

MARTY and TEDDY watch with amused looks on their faces at KEVIN and OSCAR eating the Jerusalem artichokes... (Jerusalem artichokes if over indulged cause severe wind problems and are a purgative)

MARTYNice spuds aye Kev?

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KEVINOh yeah, these spuds are rippers. I have never tastedspuds as sweet as these. Whatabout you Oscar?

OSCARThey’re beaut. Is there anymore left?

MARTYThere’s a heap of ‘em Oscar.Come on bog in. What about you Kev?

KEVINToo right. Aren’t you blokeshaving any more?

TEDDYNo thanks Kev. I’m full as afamily poe. I couldn’t eatanother mouthful.

Night time with insect noises. (O/S)Very loud breaking of wind (O/S) can be heard.KEVIN rushes out of his tent pulling his trousers up.KEVIN rushes to the toilet.Hastily KEVIN looks for the zip.A voice (OSCAR) calls out from inside the toilet.

OSCAR (O/S)

I’m in here.

OSCAR breaks wind loudly. (O/S)

KEVIN(shouts)

Hurry up Oscar!

OSCARI can’t Kev, I think I’ve got diarrhoea on top of diarrhoea. I have to stay here.

KEVINSo have I. For God’s sake throw the dunny roll out.

OSCARI can’t get off the seat Kev.

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MARTY (O/S)

Will you blokes keep the noise down.

TEDDY (O/S)

Do you want us to get you a mug of gravy each?

KEVINGravy...hurry up Oscar...what good will a mug of gravy do?

TEDDY (O/S)

Probably none, but it might thicken it.

MARTY and TEDDY laugh inside the tent. (O/S)KEVIN runs off into the scrub. OSCAR opens the zip on the toilet and walks outside holding his stomach and moaning.A voice (KEVIN’S) in the dark.

KEVIN (O/S)

Oscar...Oscar.

OSCARYes Kev.

KEVIN (0/S)

Bring the bloody dunny roll over here.

OSCAR collects the toilet roll and walks into the dark.OSCAR runs back, still holding the toilet roll and into the toilet. Loud breaking of wind. (O/S)

KEVIN (O/S shouts)

Oscar! Bring me the bloodydunny roll.

MARTY(O/S)

Will you buggers stop fighting. Some of us want to sleep you know.

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OSCAR steps out of the toilet and walks into the darkness again.

OSCARWhere are you Kev?

KEVIN (O/S)

I’m over here.

KEVIN snatches the toilet roll out of OSCAR’S hand.

KEVIN (CONT/D)Now get back and get me achange of undies and a cleanpair of pants...and bloodyhurry up this time.

OSCAR leaves KEVIN in the dark.Loud breaking of wind (O/S) fills the night air.

MORNING

KEVIN climbs out of his tent.Snoring (O/S) is prevalent in the tent where MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR are sleeping.KEVIN places one arm across his stomach and puffs his cheeks out.

KEVIN (NARRATED TO CAMERA) I’m buggered...I’m completelydrained. I don’t know whatthat pair of nitwits poisoned us with last night, but I know it was them.

(beat)I’m going home today...I don’t care what they do. It’sbeen a total...bloody...disaster. Marty and Teddy havebeen undermining my ambitionsI reckon...they’ve beensabotaging everything I do,so I think it’s about time Ireturned the compliment.

KEVIN smiles, and then looks around at a shotgun.KEVIN walks over and picks up the shotgun.

KEVIN (CONT/D)This will nearly make up forall their stupidity.

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KEVIN unlocks the shotgun barrel and puts two cartridges in the barrel.KEVIN walks across to the tent and at the tent opening;he faces the barrel parallel to the front of the tent and fires off both cartridges.Mumbling and cursing (O/S) can be heard in the tent.KEVIN’S huge grin quickly turns to a look of horror.KEVIN has decimated clothes (undies and trousers) he had hanging on a make shift clothes line, and has peppered his four wheel drive vehicle with shotgun pellets.

KEVINOh no!

MARTY sticks his head out of the tent.

MARTYWhat’s up?

KEVINLook what I’ve done.

MARTY bursts out laughing.

MARTYHey guess what Kev’s done. He’s shot his undies.

KEVIN(cries)

My undies...my undies...who gives a damn about myundies. Look at my car!

MARTY(closes his eyes)

My God, you shot your bloodycar.

(beat)That’ll teach you Kevin toplay stupid practical jokes. I’ve got no sympathy for you.

KEVINI’m packing up and going home right now.

MARTYWhat! Before cooking ourbreakfast.

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KEVINBugger your breakfast! Oscar, get out of bed and start helping.

OSCAR (O/S)

No worries Kev, I’m coming.

MARTY and TEDDY are packing gear into the back of TEDDY’S ute.TEDDY picks up a huge imitation animal paw on a broom handle and holds it up.

TEDDYI knew this would come in handy.

MARTYYeah it certainly took carpoff the menu aye.

TEDDYYeah I can’t wait to get somedecent food into me.

MARTYLike a nice burger or friedchicken with the fat drippingoff your chin you mean.

TEDDYThat’s exactly what I mean.

Both cars are packed and MARTY, TEDDY, OSCAR and KEVIN make a final check around the campsite.

MARTYThe fires out...there’s norubbish, well, we can leave now. Roll on Kev and we’ll follow you.

TEDDYHang on Kev, you follow me.We’re gunna hunt out a joint that sells decent tucker. We’re hanging out for something greasy, salty, sweet and tasty.

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KEVINFast food you mean...we won’t be stopping to eat that rubbish.

OSCARWhy not Kev, I love fast food.

MARTYThere you go Kev. Maybe youcan write that in your recipe book as well.

KEVIN(mumbles)

There is no recipe book. It ended up in the fire. You blokes made me lose all my desire and self esteem.

(beat)In reality you blokes didn’thelp me one iota. All you didwas criticize my cooking, so...

(beat)(sniffs)

I’ve given up the idea ofwriting a book on campfirecooking...I’m actuallythinking about writing a bookon crab species in the GreatBarrier Reef.

(beat)Who’s willing to help me out?

MARTYGet in the cars and let’s go.

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

Various CAMERA shots of TEDDY’S ute leading KEVIN’S four wheel drive vehicle at different points along the highway.

INT. KEVIN’S FOUR WHEEL DRIVE VEHICLE - DAY

In a large town, TEDDY puts his left hand blinker on.

KEVINWhere’s Teddy going now?

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OSCARInto the Fowlhouse Fried andRoasted.

KEVINThat’s bloody fast food...I’m not eating that greasy muck.

(mutters)I better follow him though.

EXT. FOWLHOUSE FRIED AND ROAST RESTAURANT CAR PARK - DAYKEVIN jumps out of his four wheel drive vehicle before anyone else alights.

KEVINI’m not going in there andeating that greasy muck.

MARTYWe’re not going in there andeating it either.

KEVINWell what have you stopped here for?

TEDDYBecause we’re going to buy thebiggest bucket of fried chicken that they sell and go and eat it in a park somewhere.

OSCAROh beauty.

KEVIN glares at OSCAR and then looks around the area. He spots a café cross the road.

KEVINI’m going over to that shop to get a salad roll...at leastI’ll know what’s in it.

MARTYYou do that.

KEVIN walks off in the opposite direction to MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR.

EXT. PARK - DAY

MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR eat fried chicken.

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KEVIN eats his salad roll.

KEVINThat rubbish will end up making you blokes crook.

MARTYWho cares, it tastes bloodybeautiful...you should havesome.

KEVINNot in your bloody life.

TEDDY stands up and wipes his hands on his jeans.

TEDDYWell come on, let’s hit thefrog and toad. I want to gethome tonight.

INT. HOSPITAL WARD - DAY

KEVIN lies back in bed with tubes hanging out of him and asleep.At the end of the bed is KEVIN’S MOTHER (looks spitting image of KEVIN in wig and dress)At the end of the bed is KEVIN’S LITTLE BROTHER (looks spitting image of KEVIN in short pants, freckles and spiked hair)KEVIN’S BROTHER is eating a meat pie.KEVIN stirs and wakes up.

KEVIN(moaning)

Mum, what happened to me...oh I feel terrible.

KEVIN’S MOTHERYou silly boy, you got foodpoisoning.

KEVIN(moaning)

Food poisoning...oh my stomach.

KEVIN’S MOTHER(nagging)

You’re very lucky that youdidn’t die from it you sillyboy Kevin.

KEVIN’S BROTHER

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Would you like a bite of mypie Kev?

KEVIN gulps and swallows.

KEVIN’S MOTHER(nagging)

How many times have I toldyou to eat decent food and notgo into those hovels with filthy kitchens that are full of cockroaches and rats.

KEVIN’S MOTHER’S voice begins to FADE OUT and MUSIC FADES IN.

KEVIN’S MOTHER (CONT/D)(nagging)

Don’t you realize that mostof the people in thoseplaces never wash their handsafter going to the toilet,and they often sneeze into thefood and still a silly foollike you goes in there. Idon’t know what we’re going todo with you Kevin...here, Randall, give me a bite of that pie...

MUSIC BACKGROUND:

SCENES THAT NEVER MADE IT WITH CREDITS:

EXT. CAMP SITE - DAY

KEVIN has the boiler of soup in front of him. Kookaburra poops in it. KEVIN looks up and a bucketful of imitation bird poop lands on his head.

EXT. CAMP SITE - DAY

KEVIN picks up a container of pepper. KEVIN opens his hand and pours pepper in it and then walks over behind MARTY sitting in his fold up chair. KEVIN rubs the pepper into MARTY’S hair.MARTY begins to sneeze and the others laugh.

EXT. CAMP SITE - DAY

A blowfly buzzes (O/S) around KEVIN and flies into the billy of tea.KEVIN lifts it out with a spoon and puts it in a teapot.

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EXT. CAMP SITE - DAY

KEVIN opens the flap on his tent and walks out with the porcelain tureen. KEVIN empties the liquid contents near the camp and then places the porcelain tureen on the table beside the boiler with soup in it.

EXT. BANK OF A CREEK IN THE BUSH - DAY

KEVIN watches intently at TEDDY who lights the wick on a stick of gelignite.MARTY stands behind KEVIN, lights a cracker and throws it on the ground behind KEVIN.

EXT. CAMP SITE - DAY

KEVIN lifts the boiler of soup off the fire and places it on the table.KEVIN takes the lid off and MARTY’S head looks up at him and grins.

EXT. CAMP SITE - DAY

OSCAR hands MARTY a pie on a plate. MARTY takes a mouthful and pulls out a daisy chain of band aids.KEVIN laughs in the background.

EXT. CAMPING TOILET - DAY

KEVIN unzips the toilet and goes inside. KEVIN zips up the door.MARTY runs around the toilet with a rope and ties it onto the tow ball of TEDDY’S ute.TEDDY drives away.

STILL PORTRAIT OF KEVIN, MARTY, TEDDY and OSCAR.

CREDITS ROLL ON OVER PORTRAIT.

Finishes with a battered mouse sniffing around cheese on a table.

THE END

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