Beyond Behavior Management: Six Life Skills Children Need

Children 1st Training 2/11/14

Introduction:According to Jenna Bilmes in her book Beyond Behavior Management (2012), there are six life skills that are essential for children to acquire in order to succeed in the classroom and in life.

1. Attachment: A child’s warm and genuine relationship with adults within the family & beyond.

2. Belonging: Children’s friendships and sense of belonging in the classroom, with his/her family, and in the community.

3. Self-regulation: Children’s emotional skills including labeling feelings, managing emotions, and expressions of empathy.

4. Collaboration: Children’s ability to work and play with others including sharing, taking turns, and conflict resolution.

5. Contribution: Children’s desire to grow and learn new things including the desire to use their skills and abilities to benefit self and others.

6. Adaptability: Children’s ability to move from situation to situation, and to modify their behavior based on the norms or expectations of where they are and who they are with, while honoring their own principles and values.

Six Life Skills Philosophy: Children rely on the guidance of knowledgeable and empathetic adults to help the

learn how to successfully navigate the world. Highly effective teachers (and parents) develop nurturing relationships and create

classroom (and home) environments that support children’s ability to develop pro-social skills and behaviors

Our goal is to help children develop the skills necessary to help them make independent choices that lead to pro-social behaviors and mutually supportive relationships with other children and adults.

For more information visit Jenna Bilmes' website kidsfromtheinsideout.com or read her book listed below:.

Bilmes, Jenna (2012). Beyond Behavior Management: The Six Life Skills Children Need, 2nd edition, Redleaf Press ISBN: 9781-60554-073-3 (pbk.)

Attachment: A relationship between a child and an adult that is both warm and genuine. This includes relationships with family members and with other adults, such as teachers (Bilmes, 2012, p. 3).

 A Child With Healthy Attachment

Will relax and have the ability to learn, when they know there is a responsible adult nearby to take care of his/her basic needs.

Children look for love, affection, knowledge, wisdom, and guidance from significant adults when they feel safe, loved, & cherished.

Has “significant” connections with adults who provide a sense of belonging.

Depends on the significant adults to keep them safe and secure.

Accepts help & comfort offered by significant adults.

A Child Without Attachment

May view adults as useless, irritating, or as peers they can manipulate.

Often shows no emotional response to either the praise or displeasure of an adult.

Routinely ignores requests made by adults.

OR … may be overly affectionate with many adults, known adults and strangers.

(Bilmes, 2012, pp. 30)

Strategies to Promote Healthy Attachment:

Be a Pillar of SafetyLet children know that the classroom is a safe place and rather than punishing unacceptable behavior, invite the child to be near you.

Get CloseInstead of speaking to a child from across the room, go over to them and position yourself at their eye level while you talk to them. (Bilmes, 2012, pp. 41)

Recognize their "Insides"Example: Instead of saying.. "I like your new shoes."  Say, "I noticed that you were very kind to Jacob when he was sad earlier today."

Meaningful Greetings and Good-ByesShare a warm personal greeting with each child they enter the classroom or at morning meeting. Say good-bye to children as they exit to build a sense of closure and anticipation to reconnect the next day.

 Say "Come" instead of "Go"When giving directions to children invite them to come do something instead of telling them to go do it.

 Play With ChildrenRemember to regularly spend time playing with each child without turning it into a lesson. Let the child lead play interactions.

Intentionally Teach FeelingsTalk with children about their feelings and coach them on how to use specific words to express their feelings respectfully and recognize other’s feelings.

TrianglesHelp children transition attachment to you over to a relationship with another adult who is able to provide modeling, support, and rewarding social interactions.

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Belonging A child's genuine relationships & identity with different groups including family, friends, classroom, and the community where they live.

Worth Remembering About Belonging 

A child's family is the first place where a feeling of identity and belonging start.  A child gets his/her name from their family, they learn their role in a family, and their cultural identity.  By the age of five, a child's cultural self is established. 

A child may think of the classroom as a "home away from home" Children come from a wide variety of backgrounds that shape how they view and understand

their life experiences. Responsive adults adapt to children’s various developmental stages of friendships and play

(Bilmes, 2012, pp. 58-60).

Strategies to Promote Positive Sense of Belonging

Learn About Family Culture & StructureRemember that each child also has a home culture and take the time to learn about and respect their home culture and the family structure (Bilmes, 2012, pp. 64-65).

 Weekly Picture GraphingCreate a chart with movable pictures of each of the students. Every week ask a different question and have students move their picture to one side of the chart or the other to indicate their answer. Point out how the groups change every week (Bilmes, 2012, pp. 89-90).

Belonging Activities- Scrapbook - Highlight of the Day- Photo Wall - Name the Class- Class Pledge - Class-Made Big Books- Class Puzzle - Class Flag- Who's Missing - Who Am I?- Yearbooks

 Bring Family Into the ClassroomEncourage children and families to bring mementos of home into the classroom. These can include such things as photos, extra household items, old magazines and books, and music CDs or tapes (Bilmes, 2012, pp. 66-67).

 Classroom JobsHave a job for every student in the class to help them take group ownership for the room. To help the students make connections with the adult world, give the class jobs sophisticated titles (Bilmes, 2012, pp. 71).

 Create a Classroom "Yellow Pages"Have students identify a few skills that they excel at and then create an advertisement for those skills. Compile the advertisements in a classroom "yellow pages" that students can look through when they need help with something. This will encourage students to give and seek help with their peers ("Provide Voice," pp. 7 of 8).

Self-Regulation: Page 3 of 9

A child's ability to manage their emotions, identify and label feelings, and express empathy (Bilmes, 2012, pp. 3).

A child who has effective self-regulation skills Can identify their own and other peoples’ feelings. Understand that feelings can change and may find ways to transition in socially

desirable ways from one emotion to another. Is able to separate their feelings from their actions and does not necessarily strike

out when they are upset. Utilizes appropriate self-soothing strategies.

A child who has limited self-regulation skills May quickly become overwhelmed, out of control or distraught. May be oblivious to other children's feelings and needs. Has difficulty managing their own emotions. May not accurately understand cause and effect (Bilmes, 2012, pp. 100-101).

Helping Children Develop Brain / Heart Connections

Responsive Interactionso Remember … feelings can sometimes be overwhelming and confusing … even for

adults!o Be a positive self-regulation model. Remember the power of mirror neurons …

Monkey See, Monkey Do.o Be a pillar of comfort, reassurance, and redirection. Some children may need to

close proximity to a supportive adult in order to help overwhelming feelings and refocus on a positive goal.

o Listen attentively and sensitively to the words that children use. Determine whether they are asking for information or seeking emotional support (Bilmes, 2012, pp. 102-103).

o Help children build an emotional vocabulary. Label and validate feelings. Photo cards can help children visualize their feelings.

o Include opportunities for children to practice emotional regulation frequently during classroom routines.

o Communicate positive expectations often. Rules

o Apply the Golden Rule … do unto children as you hope others will do unto you.o Apply the KISS principle (Keep It Super Simple) to classroom rules.o Apply the 3 R’s … all rules should embrace respect, be easily revisited, and be

consistent but not rigid,

Environmento Create a classroom environment that is calming and limits overstimulation of the

senses.o Provide opportunities for children to develop independence and self-help skills.o Create a classroom climate that is organized, learners

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o Provide mirrors throughout the classroom to helps children develop self-awarenesso Sit-upons - Have children make their own sit-upon to mark their spot for large group

time,o Self-Soothing - Respect children's self-soothing habits. Some things kids may do

include; thumb sucking, hair stroking, cuddling a blanket, using a small stuffed animal for comfort, etc.

o Sensory objects – provide a tub of soothing sensory items that a child can hold, rub, or manipulate to help them calm themselves.

o Create a place away that children can voluntarily go to when they need to de-compress.

Routineso Offer predictable routines. Provide advanced prompts / cues before changes that

allow children to wind down from one activity and prepare for the next.o Provide blocks of time that encourage in-depth, engaged exploration, and limits

transitions.o Think small … peer-to-peer, independent activities should take place far more during

throughout the day that group (large or small) activities.o Utilize visual supports that help children predict classroom routines.o Provide freedom of movement whenever possible to help children develop a sense

of personal space and boundaries. Model strategies that help children tune into physical space

o Implement transition and diversion activities throughout the day that allow children to experience various levels of pacing, activity, sound, touch, and actions.

Learning Activities that Stimulate Brain Level Self-regulation Self-regulation Games

o Simon Sayso Red Light, Green Lighto Freezeo Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toeso Hokey Pokeyo I Cano Quick, Quick, Slow, Slowo Mirror Mirroro Tooty Tao Clap Your Hands, Tap Your Feet

Obstacle Course … to help children learn to transition between active play and more quiet play, have them go through an obstacle course set up with large-motor activities and then in the middle of the course have a table with a small-motor activity on it (Bilmes, 2012, p. 128).

Center on the Social & Emotional Foundations for Early Learning: http://csefel.vanderbilt.edu/resources/strategies.html

Waiting ListsFor areas that are more popular use waiting lists so that children can learn to manage taking turns on their own. Waiting lists can consist of children writing their name or posting a picture or name tag the one of under whoever is before them. The important thing is that the

Big JobsGive children real jobs to do that are useful, helpful and take more than one person to complete. These "Big Jobs" will help children learn to work together while giving them a feeling of pride in accomplishing something useful (Jones, pp. 10-11).

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children manage the waiting list (Bilmes, 2012, p. 151).

Conflict Resolution CenterCreate an area where children can go with a peer mediator to resolve conflicts on their own. The most important part of this area and the peer mediator is making sure that the students in conflict follow the five conflict resolution steps: 1. Calm Down, 2. What do you want? What do I want?, 3. What can we do?, 4. What did we decide?, 5. How did it work? (Bilmes, 2012, p. 169)

Talking StickCreate a talking stick to help children learn to calmly wait for their turn and listen to what others are saying. Only the person holding the stick can talk and everyone else must listen. Make sure that the stick gets passed around the circle and everyone gets a chance to talk (Bilmes, 2012, p. 152).

Kindness JarWrite down acts of kindness that you observe the children doing and put them in a jar. Once a day read what you wrote down to the children. Once the children understand the kindness jar, have them start putting in their own notes on acts of kindness that they see or experience (Whitin, pp. 18-19).

Model Waiting, Taking Turns, & SharingLook for opportunities to teach the language of sharing and taking turns as you play with children. Have them play, "My turn, Your turn."

How Can I Play?Teach children to ask "How can I play" when entering play with a group of children. They are less likely to be excluded. It encourages the other children to be creative and figure out a way to integrate the new child.

Collaboration: Children’s ability to work and play with others including sharing, taking turns, solve problems, and conflict resolution, and share community space and materials (Bilmes, 2012 p. 3)

Children With adept collaboration skills: Take turns expressing their needs Listen to each other with courtesy. Internalize the adult's modeling of fairness. Wait, take turns, share, resolve conflicts, Can use play skills when entering, during, and

when leaving group play.

A child with limited collaboration skills: Do not know how to play peacefully with others. May push, yell, grab, and/or hit instead of taking

turns and sharing Can use "You hurt me, so I'll hurt you" logic

((Bilmes, 2012, p. 147).

Strategies to Create a Culture of Collaboration

Contribution: Children’s desire to grow and learn new things including the desire to use their skills and abilities to benefit self and others including their families, community, and the larger world (Bilmes, 2012, pp. 4)

A Child With Contribution shows confidence in a range of abilities, takes on new tasks, shows a sense of

A Child Without Contribution May take more than their share of something

even though others have none

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purpose Recognizes and nurtures their talents and skills

Learns how to use a problem-solving attitude to approach challenges and roadblocks

Identifies their role in social relationships and begins to find ways to contribute to those groups

recognizes the importance of his/her role as a member of a family, and performs various tasks that contribute to the well-being of the group. Recognizes problems and injustice and begins to address those issues with compassion and fairness.

Can have trouble finishing a task Often quits and moves on to something else when

they hit a stumbling block May be easily distracted or discouraged Finds the idea of working together for the good of the

group foreign.

(Bilmes, 2012, pp. 185-186)

Strategies to Nurture Contribution How I Am Growing" JournalsCreate a book of blank pages for each child. Each week have the children record a stepping stone that they accomplished. They can look back through their books to remind themselves of past accomplishments (Bilmes, 2012, p. 194).

ConsensusInstead of using majority voting to allow students to make group decisions, use consensus building. Consensus building promotes mutual respect, problem-solving skills, and inclusion as children work to come to a decision that they can all agree on (Bilmes, 2012, p. 213).

Community WorkHave the children work together for the benefit of those outside of the immediate classroom. These kinds of projects help children to learn the value of "strength in numbers." Community work can include anything from putting on a play for another class to washing someone's car to grow vegetables to donate to a children's shelter (Bilmes, 2012, p. 208).

Recognize PersistenceWhen children exhibit persistence, focus, and task completion use descriptive feedback to help them become aware of their strengths and talents. Remember that what get recognized gets repeated (Bilmes, 2012, p. 189).

Post Children's WorkProvide a space for children to post a sample oftheir work. Allow each child to choose what to post and when (Bilmes, 2012, p. 192).

Cooperation and CompetitionFor some more competitive children explain that in cooperative activities "You win the game by playing the same." You also might motivate them to match other students by explaining that this is a tricky thing to do (Bilmes, 2012, p. 216).

 Beware of "Good Job"Praising children with phrases like "Good Job" can actually have negative effects. Instead try saying nothing, saying what you saw, or asking questions about what you saw (Kohn, p. 4).

Adaptability: Children’s ability to move from situation to situation, and to modify their behavior based on the norms or expectations of where they are and who they are with, while honoring their own principles and values.(Bilmes, 2012, p. 4).

A Child Who is Adaptable A Child Who has Low Adaptability

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Is flexible and easily adjusts to new settings. Can go with the flow of changing events. Will adjust their behavior to enable them to be

successful in their current setting. Can figure out how to act appropriately in various

situations. Is able to cope with the inevitable changes that

occur in life. Communicates and build relationships with other

people.

May struggle to adjust when something deviates from their normal routine and expectations

Can be overwhelmed by anything new May respond to new situations by withdrawing or

having a meltdown or by becoming defiant Often have difficulties adjusting for the

differences in school rules and expectations and those they have been taught at home (Bilmes, 2012, pp. 224-225).

Adaptability Strategies Preview ChangesPrepare children for expected changes or new activities. Help them understand what will be different and what will be the same before the change actually occurs (Bilmes, 2012, pp. 234-235).

Who Can I Match?When a child is unsure what to do in a new situation, invite them to identify another child who seems to know what to do and do it well. Talk with the struggling child about why the other child seems to be doing well and suggest that they look to that child when they are struggling or unsure about what to do (Bilmes, 2012, p. 242).

  At Home...At School BookHelp the children create a book that illustrates some of the most basic differences between school and home. Have each page say a difference between home and school and then let the children illustrate the page to show those differences (Bilmes, 2012, pp. 239).

Use "At School We.."When you talk to children about the rules and expectations at school, preface it with "At school we." This helps children to distinguish between rules at school and rules elsewhere.(Bilmes, 2012, p. 227)

Mandatory and OptionalIntroduce the concepts on “mandatory” and “optional” to children to help them better be able to understand when something must be done and when they may choose whether or not to do something (Bilmes, 2012, pp. 232-233).

 Beware Catastrophic ThinkingWhen faced with a new situation, children may use words like "never," "always," "no one," and "everyone" to describe it. These statements will feel like reality to that child. Challenge this type of thinking and help the child to develop a more balanced view of the new situation.

Provide a Safe and Predictable Environment Establish and stick to a daily routine, resist the urge to make frequent changes to the room environment, make sure all adults in the room are using the same set of rules with the children

Simple RulesIn our classroom we…

1. Use gentle touch.2. Say kind words.3. Help each other learn.4. Take care of our classroom.

Panel Discussion

Play "What If" Games:This helps children think about changes in a playful and non-threatening way. Some questions you can ask include; What would happen if cars could fly? What if we went to school at night and slept in the day?  What would happen if dogs could talk?

Help Children Learn to Say Good-Bye

Work as a class to create a good-bye ritual for members who have to leave during the year.  Some examples include: good-bye party for member leaving, writing center with paper so

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Invite a few students who have previously attended _____ grade to come in for a panel discussion and allow the students to ask the questions that will help them know what to expect in their new classroom.

children can write good-bye notes, good-bye and wish you well ceremony, or create a memory book for the person that is leaving.

Resources

Bilmes, Jenna. Beyond Behavior Management: The Six Life Skills Children Need. Second ed. St. Paul, MN: Redleaf, 2012. Print.

Blimes, Jenna. Kids From the Inside Out. Web. June 2013. http://kidsfromtheinsideout.com/.

Bodrova, Elena, and Deborah J. Leong. "Developing Self-Regulation in Kindergarten: Can We Keep All the Crickets in the Basket?." Young Children. Mar. 2008. Web.

Cinnamon Dow’s Life Skills Toolkit http://sixlifeskills.weebly.com/

Hyson, Marilou, and Jackie L. Taylor. "Caring About Caring: What Adults Can Do to Promote." Young Children (2011): 74-83. Web.

Jett, Cindy, LICSW. "Teaching Children How to Adapt." Psych Central.com. Web. 16 July 2013. http://psychcentral.com/lib/teaching-children-how-to-adapt/0004394.

Jones, Nancy P. "Big Jobs." Teaching Young Children 1.1 (2007): 10-13. Web.

Kohn, Alfie. "Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job!" Alfie Kohn. Sept. 2001. Web. http://www.alfiekohn.org/.

Rhoda Elwiss’ Life Skills Toolkit: http://lifeskillstoolkit.yolasite.com/sources.php

Self Regulation Activities for Children." Your Therapy Source. Your Therapy Source Inc., Web. 19 June 2013. http://www.yourtherapysource.com/selfregulation.html.

Whitin, Phyllis. "Kindness in a Jar." Young Children 56.5 (2001): 18-22. Web.

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