volunteer chaplain training module 10 ministering at the death of a child © copyright 2001 al...

Volunteer Chaplain TrainingModule 10

Ministering at the Death of a Child

© Copyright 2001 Al Henager. Use only with written permission and with proper credit.

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Death of a Child

• The death of a child• The dying child• Neo-natal death• Ministering to parents


Credits: I have gained much in this arena through reading and experience over the years. I am indebted to many sources that I cannot name. Three of sources however, need mentioning. I am especially grateful to the organizations RTS Bereavement Services (formerly Resolve through Sharing), Compassionate Friends, and SHARE. Without my encounters and training with these two organizations, I would have been utterly lost in comforting bereaved parents.

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The Death of a Child

• THE most difficult of all death and dying situations

• Children seen as– More innocent– Vulnerable– Closer to “holiness”


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• Tragic because of limited:– Experience– Responsibility– Self-discovery

• Tragic because of unrealized potential– Life cut off– Limited opportunities for physical,

psychological, and spiritual growth


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C o n tra s t E xp e rie n ce

Id e a l o f C h ild 'sIn no cen ce

R e a lity o fC h ild 's S u ffe ring

T e n s ion#1

--Brock, Journal of Pastoral Care, Vol. 48, No. 2, summer 1994.

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C on tras t E xp erien ce

Im ag e o f G odas O m n ip o ten t

an d G ood

R ea lity o fC h ild 's S u ffe rin g

Ten s ion# 2


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Im ag e o f G oda s P re se n ta n d C a ring

R e a lity o fF e e ling s o f

A ba n do nm e nt

T e n s ion#3


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The Dying Child

• Key issue for a dying child is– Abandonment

• Key issue for pastoral care– Incarnational Presence


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The Dying Child

• Six means of ministering– Showing love– Listening & responding– Talking though feelings– Comforting the pain– Doing the “possible”– Helping “let go”


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The Dying Child

• The role of the pastor involves– Treating the child as a person– Asking about & working through

feelings– Blessing the struggle– Touching when appropriate– Standing as an “incarnation” of God


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The Dying Child

Key element of ministry:

“Concretely sharing with a Child [and/or the parents] that God can be incarnated through the caring of at least one adult.”

--Brock, Journal of Pastoral Care, Vol. 48, No. 2, summer 1994, pp. 157-8.


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Neo-natal Death

• Types– Still birth– Fetal demise– New born death– SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome)

• “A joyous occasion turns quickly to tragedy.”


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Neo-natal Death

• Key Issues:– The baby is a PERSON

• “A person is a person, no matter how small.”

• Dr. Seuss

– The baby cannot be “replaced”– The loss is real– The grief is just as valid as any other

kind© Copyright 2001 Al Henager. Use only with written permission and with proper credit.

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Neo-natal Death

• Appropriate Pastoral Responses– I’m sorry your baby has died.– Tell me how you are.– Tell me about your baby.– This must feel like a bad dream.– How can I help you?– You don’t have to be strong now.– It’s alright to cry; your baby has died.


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Neo-natal Death• Inappropriate Responses

– It’s God’s will.– Oh, well, you really did not know this baby.– You can have another one.– Forget it! Go on with your life.– Cheer up; it’s not that bad.– God needed another angel in Heaven– “God loved your baby more than you did.”– There was probably something wrong

anyway.– Don’t be angry/sad.– Be strong and don’t be angry at God.

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Neo-natal Death

• Role of the Pastoral Care Giver– Begins the grief process and ministry

to parents/family– Assists with funeral home/planning of

rituals– Supports staff/physicians– Facilitates role of family’s

church/pastor


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Neo-natal Death

• Initial Decisions to Be Made– Seeing & holding the baby– Collecting memories– Autopsy?– Funeral home or hospital disposal?


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Neo-natal Death

• Decisions to be made– Seeing and holding the baby

• Sometimes not advisable• It is the decision of the parents• Parent’s only chance to be with their

baby• A chance to experience some bonding• Creates memories that will be cherished

some day


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Neo-natal Death

• Decisions to be made– Collecting memories

• Polaroid of baby• Lock of baby’s hair• Crib card• Baby gown, t-shirt, stocking cap, etc.• Footprints• Blanket, wristbands, etc.• Scrapbook© Copyright 2001 Al Henager. Use only with written permission and with proper credit.

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Ministering to Parents/Families• What parents need most from us:

– Listening– Empathy– Gentle voices– Touch– Caring presence– Calm in the midst of chaos– Acceptance of their feelings as valid


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Ministering to Parents/Families• Goal of the pastor:

– To be an enabling presence– to offer a relationship of:

• Acceptance• Personal responsibility• Spiritual rekindling


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Ministering to Parents/Families• Task of the pastor:

– Focus away from abandonment– Focus toward

• Needs of parents for each other• Needs of other children• Needs of the child who is dying


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Ministering to Parents/Families• Death of a child at any time is NOT

– A time to defend God– A time to expound on a personal

theodicy– A time to promise “healing”

prematurely


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Ministering to Parents/Families• Establishing a relationship with

parents and family– Is never easy– Early introduction allows for

relationship building– Initial visit a time of support and

consolation– Represent (quietly) God’s presence


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Ministering to Parents/Families• Concept: Combative Christian Hope

– Finds roots in presence of God in human reality

– Seeks to give form to that presence in the lives of people

– Struggles against evil to bring good out of it.

Schillebeeck, et. al., JPC, Vol 48, No. 2, summer 1994, p157

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Ministering to Parents/Families


N e ga tive e xp e rie n ceo f m e a n in g le ss

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P o s itve a ff irm a tiono f m ea n in g fou ndin ac tive h um an

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Y ie ld s --A "g lim pse " o f the

N e w C re a tio n fo u ndin the K ing d om (R e ign ) o f G od


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