What is the secret to keeping good cross-cultural relationships?

Graduation Thesis

Presented to

The Faculty of the Department of

English Language and Literature

Notre Dame Seishin University

In Partial Fulfillment

Of the Requirement for the Degree

Bachelor of Arts

By

Ayako Kayano

2012

Contents

Abstract 1Chapter One: What is Cross-cultural communication？

1.1 Introduction 31.2 What is Culture? 3

1.2.1 Introduction 31.2.2 The Definition of culture 41.2.3 A category of culture 51.24 The Iceberg Model of Culture 7

1.3 Cross-cultural relationships 91.3.1 Introduction 91.3.2 Cross-cultural relationships in international business 101.3.3 Cross-cultural relationships in international marriage 10

1.4 Research questions 161.5 Conclusion 16

Chapter Two: Case Studies2.1 Introduction 182.2 The questionnaire 18

2.2.1 Overview 192.2.2 Method 19A) Subjects

2.3 Results 19Case Study 1Case Study 2Case Study 3Case Study 4Case Study 5Case Study 6Case Study7 Case Study8

2.4 Summary 28

Chapter Three: Discussion3.1 Introduction 293.2 Summary of the results 293.3 Discussion of the results 30

3.3.1 Overview 303.3.2 Backgrounds of the subjects 303.3.3 Answers to the Research Questions 31

1) Research Question 1:2) Research Question 2: 3) Research Question 3:

3.4. Limitations of the Experiments 383.5 Further research 393.6 Conclusion 40

References 41

Appendices 43

Abstract

Today, the world has become more highly connected by development of

technology. As the connection between countries is getting stronger, it has become easy

to meet people from all kinds of cultural backgrounds. Thus it becomes necessary for

people to have understandings of cross-cultural relationships. There are a lot of kinds of

cross-cultural relationships. Nowadays many people pay attention to cross-cultural

relationships in business. However, in this thesis we paid attention to cross-cultural

relationships in international marriages.

In Chapter One, we dealt with cross-cultural relationships. Before thinking

about it, we saw what “culture” is. First, we looked at the definitions of culture, then ten

categories of culture and the Iceberg Model of Culture that will be useful to understand

culture and cultural differences.

In Chapter Two, we gave out a questionnaire to eight international couples who

are in cross-cultural relationships. The questionnaire was about their cross-cultural

relationships, cultural background, experience which they feel difficulties due to

different culture and secret of keeping good cross-cultural relationships.

In Chapter Three, we presented the results of the questionnaire. The results

showed “how we can make cross-cultural relationships go smoothly”, ”the typical cross-

cultural issues which people in international relationships face” and “the way they solve

these issues”. We could find out that the international relationships affected them in a

positive way, for example, they came to be able to speak their second language better,

got a wide perspective, became open-mind, and an internationally minded person. Most

of the subjects enjoy their cultural differences and learning them. Culturally they have

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many differences, but they do not see they are “issues” so much. They think the

problems are the same as the couples who are in non-international relationships. They

consider that it is important to see their partner as an individual, and not to be overly-

conscious of the foreigner.

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Chapter One: What is Cross-cultural Communication？

1.1 Introduction

In today's global world, it is easier to meet people from other country and

culture. In other words everyone has opportunities to meet such even in Japan. Today’s

world is closely connected by the Internet and we can travel all over the world easily.

We can find out what is happening in another country in real time by going online. This

leads to encounter with people who grew up in a different culture.

However, people with a background very different from our own have the

potential to challenge us in many ways that you might not predict. In this thesis we will

discuss about what cross-cultural relationships are. Before thinking about cross-cultural

relationships, we should see what “culture” is.

1.2 What is Culture?

1.2.1 Introduction

In this section, we’ll have a look at about “culture”. It includes a lot of

meanings and is difficult to define. However, when you are thinking about cross-cultural

communication, it is important to think what culture means. First we will look at the

definitions of culture, and second the category of culture. Finally we will look at the

Iceberg Model of Culture that will be useful to understand cultural differences.

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1.2.2 The Definition of culture

The definitions of "culture" which people consider are various so that it is different

depending on a person who sees. There are some definitions below.

"Culture: learned and shared human patterns or models for living; day- to-day

living patterns. These patterns and models pervade all aspects of human social

interaction. Culture is mankind's primary adaptive mechanism." (Damen, 1987: p. 367).

"Culture is the collective programming of the mind which distinguishes the

members of one category of people from another." (Hofstede, 1984: p. 51).

"Culture is the shared knowledge and schemes created by a set of people for

perceiving, interpreting, expressing, and responding to the social realities around them."

(Lederach, 1995 :p. 9).

"A culture is a configuration of learned behaviors and results of behavior

whose component elements are shared and transmitted by the members of a particular

society" (Linton, 1945: p. 32).

The term ‘culture’ has various definitions because we use it in different

situations. Many people think culture as things like Kabuki or Ikebana (Shaules 2009:

p.2). Therefore, it is difficult to define culture clearly. This thesis looks at culture more

broadly as the things that the members of a group share in common. In a theory of

cross-cultural communication, culture is the thing that we learned and shared in

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common with the members of our community since we were born. Culture includes

everything from language and customs to values and communication styles. Moreover,

culture significantly influences all aspects of human social interaction. For instance

people’s actions, decisions, methodologies, feelings, thoughts, shapes their experiences,

their interrelationships with others, their institutions, as well as the world around them.

1.2.3 A category of culture

According to Moran and Harris (2011) there are ten categories that should be

considered as a beginning of understanding culture.

1. Language and communication

2. Dress and appearance

3. Food and feeding habits

4. Time and time consciousness

5. An institution of award for good conduct, long service and performance

6. Relationships

7. The values and norms

8. Self-consciousness and a notion of space

9. Mental process and learning process

10. Beliefs and the attitude

Culture includes which language we use and how we communicate with

people. It includes communication styles, for example verbal/ non-verbal

communication, high/ low context communication that is how much people tend to rely

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on shared information in their communication, and direct/ indirect communication that

is people express their opinion directly or not.

Culture is also defined by material products such as clothes and food. Most of

the countries have their own traditional clothes. Culture determined their fashion,

besides, the clothes appropriate for the occasion is different in each culture. Culture also

influences what we eat, how we eat and why we eat food. In each culture there are both

some acceptable and unacceptable foods. For example, alligators exist in many parts of

the world, but they are unacceptable as food by many people. Likewise, horses, turtles,

and dogs are eaten in some cultures, though they are unacceptable foods in other

cultures.

Culture also affects attitude toward punctuality. Latin Americans have a relaxed

attitude toward time. On the other hand, Romanians, Germans, and Japanese are very

punctual. Japanese take it rude to be late for classes at school, business meetings and

any appointment. Time, in the sense of seasons of the year, varies by culture (Managing

Cultural Differences 2011). Some areas of the world think in terms of winter, spring,

summer and fall; but for others, the more meaningful designations may be rainy and dry

seasons (bid).

Relationships among men and between men and their environment are decided

through their culture. It is the primary determinant of how a person views reality both

consciously and unconsciously. Culture includes value systems. Values are formed

based on how we learned to believe things ought to be or how people ought to behave,

particularly in terms of qualities such as honesty and openness. Values are prioritizing

which are significant for them in some situations.

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Use of personal space is often different between different cultures, genders, and

ages. For example, those of Hispanic or Arab descent tend to interact at a much closer

distance than European Americans and northern Europeans. In most cases less personal

space is observed between people of similar ages, gender, ethnicity and social status.

Human learning may occur as part of education, personal development, school

or training. They are influenced by their surrounding culture. The culture in which we

grew up is so deeply entrenched in our thought processes.

Religious traditions in various cultures consciously or unconsciously influence

on our attitudes toward life, death, and the hereafter (Moran and Harris 2011: p.13).

Western culture seems to be largely influenced by the Judeo-Christian-Islamic

traditions, while Eastern or Asian cultures have been dominated by Buddhism,

Confucianism, Taoism, and Hinduism (Moran and Harris 2011: p.13).

For these reasons, “culture” can never be separated from people themselves.

Culture influences who we are as individuals, families, communities, organizations and

nations. Besides, it influences how we interact with each other within and across

regional and national borders. Culture is defined as a set of values and beliefs with

learned behaviors shared within a particular society, and it provides a sense of identity

and belonging.

1.2.4 The Iceberg Model of Culture

When you hear the word “culture”, most people tend to think about such things

as types of music, art, literature, customs, religion, cooking and fashion, methods of

greeting. Certainly all of these items make up part of a specific culture. However in

reality they are just the “tip of the iceberg”.

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(Source: Opengecko website)

Culture is often compared to an iceberg which has both visible (on the surface)

and invisible (below the surface) parts. A visible part is about 12 % of the whole on the

surface of the iceberg, and the other 88 % is under the surface of the water. As we can

see there is so much deep knowledge embedded in the culture. It does not appear on the

surface and is more necessary than a visible part. Elements of culture which we can

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obviously see such as food or clothes are represented by the upper part of the iceberg.

Those elements which are not as obvious such as why someone eats or dresses the way

they do are represented by the much larger part of the iceberg underwater. The bottom

side of the iceberg includes things such as religious beliefs, worldviews, rules of

relationships, approach to the family, motivations, attitude towards age, communication

styles, modes of thinking, importance of time and space, the difference between public

and private, gender differences and more. These elements are learned as they grow and

develop in their respective social groups.

Even though, we dress similarly to another person, and possibly even speak

the same language, the cultural differences hidden below the surface. When you are not

conscious or ignore the invisible part of culture and communicate with a person from a

different culture, it contains the danger leading to big failure.

1.3 Cross-cultural relationships

1.3.1 Introduction

In this section, we will look at the definition of cross-cultural relationships to

find out what cross-cultural relationships are and then look at some types of cross-

cultural relationships. As globalization advances, a lot of types of cross-cultural

relationships are arising in the world. For instance, academic relationships such as

student exchange, organizational relationships, personal relationships as casual friends

and romantic relationships as international couple. We can see various cross-cultural

relationships in a daily life these days. This thesis is going to focus on two types of

cross-cultural relationships, organizational and personal relationships.

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1.3.2 Cross-cultural relationships in international business

The corporate world is becoming more and more interrelated and more and

more international. Improvements in transportation and communication and lower

production costs abroad have made global markets more accessible. International sales

and profits earned overseas and foreign direct investment have been increasing.

Increased multinational operations mean increased multiculturalism in the organization,

managers of different cultures and increased interaction between employees. Business

takes place between two or more nations, regions and countries beyond their political

boundary. McDonald's is American company that has grown to become a large

multinational corporation. Toyota is an example of a Japanese company that is a

multinational corporation. This company employs American laborers to build Japanese

cars in the United States for sale in America. Whenever a company holds assets in one

country and does business in another country, it is also involved in international

business. Thus in today’s global business environment, more and more of us are

required to understand people from countries and cultures which are different from our

own.

1.3.3 Cross-cultural relationships in international marriage

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An international marriage may refer to a marriage between two individuals

who get married in a country where neither of them holds citizenship or else get married

in a country where only one of them holds citizenship.

First, the movement of the people between the nations is pointed out as a factor

of increase in international marriage in Japan. Namely a flow of people gets active

internationally, and the chance to have contact with people from other countries

increases. In this circumstance the number of cases where people get married with

foreign people has increased.

Figure 1 shows the change of the number of international marriage and divorce

in Japan.

Figure 1: Movement of International marriage in Japan (the number of cases of

international marriage and divorce)

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Source: http://www2.ttcn.ne.jp/~honkawa/1190.html

Figure 2: Annual change in demographics: Annual change in Japanese marriage

and divorce rate

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Source: The Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare

Since the 1980's, the number of marriages in Japan has declined sharply,

however the number of international marriages is increasing noticeably. In 1960s, only

5,000 couples had an international marriage in Japan, however especially from the end

of 1980s, the number of international marriages in Japan has sky-rocketed. In 1983,

there were 10,000 international couples wedded in Japan, in 1989 the number was

20,000, in 1999 it increased to 30,000 and in 2005 it over 40,000. According to the

health ministry, about 5.56 percent of all marriages, or 40,272 out of the 724,126

couples who wed in 2007, were international marriages. In 2000, 1 in 10 marriages in

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the Tokyo area were between a Japanese spouse and a foreigner and in Osaka the figure

was 1 in 12 (GLOBAL COMMUNICATION PLATFORM International Marriages in

Japan: Part Four – Basic Data on International Marriage in 2002). It seems that nearly

everyone these days has at least a friend or relative whose partner is a foreigner. In

recent years the number tends to be on the decrease, and now nearly 30,000

international marriages occur each year in Japan. Unfortunately the number of

international divorces has dramatically increased as well. Over 15,000 international

marriages end in divorce each year.

An international marriage joins two people from different countries and

cultural backgrounds. No couple can see eye to eye on everything so that people who

come from two different cultures increases the chances of having different expectations

and ways of doing things. They must often face issues and make decisions that couples

who are from the same country do not have to worry about. The issues are different

depends on the couples but there are some common concerns which they should be

aware of.

Some decisions may be relatively benign, such as what type of food to eat or

what holidays to celebrate (Samovar p.237). Other choices will be more problematic, as

the couple grapples with cultural differences in gender-role expectations, conflict

management, emotional display, values, social behaviors, child-rearing practices,

extended family relations, and many, many more issues. One of the first decisions will

be which language they will use to communicate especially if they can speak several

languages, or if they feel language barriers and uncomfortable with the couple’s

common language. In cross-cultural marriage, language plays a key role in

communication. It is necessary for them to make efforts with each other. Moreover, if

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they have children, they must choose what language or languages to speak at home and

what languages the children should ultimately learn. If the language of the household

and the country are the same, the children will not automatically speak the second

language. However, if the language of the household is different from that of the

country, the children will grow up bilingual. In many cross cultural marriages, this

problem has been solved by using a “one parent, one language” strategy (Samovar

p.238). This involves each parent speaking his or her language, to the children (Ibid).

Thus the children are raised in two languages, becoming bilingual, and the cultures of

both parents are recognized and passed on (Ibid).

Besides they have to determine where they live. Some couples live in the

country of the husband because of his work possibilities. Some couples live in the

country where they met. The difficulties with adjusting to new cultural patterns, to a

certain amount of isolation with family and friends left behind, and to a new language

would lay with the foreign spouse. It is difficult to understand people if they have not

lived in their culture. International couples must choose whose culture is dominant.

Probably it would be one of the country in which they are living. However, the foreign

spouse would also want to keep some traditions.

1.4 Research questions

As mentioned above, now, we know what culture is and what cross-cultural

relationships are. Moreover, we know something about issues in cross-cultural

relationships and current state of International marriages and divorces in Japan.

However we don’t know about how cross-cultural relationships go smoothly.

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Therefore, we gave some questionnaires to international couples who have

cross-cultural relationships. In the next chapter, we will look at the questionnaire that

international couples answered. We’ll look at their relationships and experiences which

they encounter difficulties because they came from different cultures in Chapter Two

and Three. We designed my questionnaire to investigate answers to these research

questions.

1. How can we make cross-cultural relationships go smoothly?

2. What are some of the typical cross-cultural issues people in international

relationships face?

3. How do they solve these?

1.5 Conclusion

It is very important for people to understand what culture is and what cross-

cultural relationships are because these days we can often see cross-cultural

relationships in daily life and people may take part in this relationships soon.

In Chapter Two, we will look at the questionnaire that we asked about cross-

cultural relationships, their background, experience which they feel difficulties due to

different culture and secret of keeping good cross-cultural relationships to eight

international couples. Therefore, in Chapter Three, we will discuss the result of this

questionnaire which will show about their cross-cultural relationships and secret of

keeping good relationships.

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Chapter Two: The Study

2.1 Introduction

In Chapter One we discussed what culture is and what cross-cultural relationships

are. We looked at the definition of culture, category of culture and “The Iceberg Model

of Culture” which is useful to understand when we study about culture. We also looked

at cross-cultural relationships in international business and international marriage. Now

we will see a summary of the information collected using a questionnaire and an

interview.

2.2 The Questionnaire

2.2.1 Overview

The purpose of the questionnaire was to find out how to make cross-cultural

relationships go smoothly, what some of the typical cross-cultural issues people in

international relationships face and how they solve them. First, the questionnaire asked

their personal, educational and language backgrounds, and the story about their

relationships. The questionnaire also asked about their experiences when they feel

differences of culture and the secret of keeping good cross-cultural relationships. Their

background information is available in Appendix 1. The table contains a summary of

nationality, educational background, native and non-native language abilities, cultural

background and any relevant extra information.

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2.2.2 Method

A) Subjects

A total of eight international couples were interviewed about their cross-

cultural stories and experiences. In order to collect the raw data, I asked them both same

detailed questions to every couple. The questions were answered by chat on Facebook

or by seeing them personally face-to-face. If it was possible I interviewed both husband

and wife individually but sometimes for some reason I asked only the husband or wife.

The questionnaire was about their cross-cultural relationships, cultural background,

experience which they feel difficulties due to different culture and secret of keeping

good cross-cultural relationships.

2.3 Results

In this section we will look at the summary of information collected by the

questionnaire that asked about cross-cultural relationships, their background, experience

which they feel difficulties due to different culture and the secret of keeping good cross-

cultural relationships to eight international couples.

Case Study 1 – Patrick and Ayako Murphy

Patrick and Ayako are an American/ Japanese couple living in Hiroshima

Prefecture, Japan. They have been together for three and a half years. Patrick has lived

in Japan for a year and half as an English teacher teaching children at an English

conversation school. He studied Japanese at University and since then he has learned

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Japanese hard on his own. Ayako lived in Australia for a year and two months to go to

college. After coming back to Japan, she taught English for a year at the same school as

Patrick. Then they got married and lived in U.S. for two and half years. In the summer

of 2011 they came back to Japan and live on the small island in Hiroshima, Japan.

Patrick teaches English to children with the JET (Japan Exchange Teaching) program.

They can speak each other’s language (English and Japanese) and are

proficient. They also understand each other’s cultures mostly because of living in both

countries together. However they have experienced a lot of misunderstandings due to

difference of cultures. Ayako always tries to say directly what she is thinking even if it

is a complaint. She answered that in Japanese culture, we have to feel what people think

and “sympathy” is significant. Patrick answered that sometimes misunderstanding are

caused by nonverbal communications. They also feel the difference about dealing with

family, punctuality and displaying affection. Ayako thinks cross-cultural relationships

are not easy but a lot of fun. She said she is lucky to see and learn many things by living

in different culture.

Patrick often lets her win arguments, even when he thinks she is wrong. He

said the secret of keeping good relationships is “patience” and “learning positively and

adapting to new culture and language”. Ayako answered the secret of keeping good

relationship is “Argue a lot”, “enjoy the differences” and “use the better one as a family

custom”.

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Case Study 2 – Byoung-hyo and Ayako

Byoung-hyo and Ayako are a Korean/ Japanese couple in Okayama Prefecture,

Japan. They have been together for two years. Byoung-hyo came to Japan as an

exchange student three years ago. Since then he has lived in Japan by himself. He

studied Japanese at University in Korea, and now he learns it from daily life in Japan.

Ayako has lived in Okayama since she was a child. She is a student studying English in

Notre Dame Seishin University. Byoung-hyo can speak Japanese well but Ayako cannot

speak Korean so that use Japanese to communicate each other.

Both of them answered that they feel difference about “smile” in Korea and

Japan. They said Japanese often smile at everyone even if it is a forced smile. On the

other hand Koreans do not show their smile to unknown people. Ayako feels a

difference in the way of showing affection. In Korea people are not reluctant to hug or

kiss in public. Korean couples often walk close together putting his arms around her

waist. At first she could not accept to show their affection directly however now she can

say “I love you” to him directly, and she said she learned the importance of showing

what you think in words.

To lessen issues due to difference of culture, first Byoung-hyo learned and tried

to understand Ayako’s culture then he told about his culture to Ayako to make her

understand them. He said “talking a lot about each other” is important. He thinks

international relationships make people widen their view of things and have an

international point of view. He also said because of them people can notice their own

culture’s strong points and weak points. Ayako said she has changed since she was in an

international relationship. She said she has made effort to develop her Japanese strong

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points by herself. For instance, she came to be conscious of polite customer-service

skills and keeping smiles when she works part-time.

Case Study 3– couple A

Couple A is an American/ Japanese couple living in Okayama Prefecture,

Japan. They have been together for about ten years. The husband came to Japan first

time when he was a high school student. He had a homestay with an ordinary family in

Japan for a year. He was majoring an East Asian Studies and he also learned Japanese at

University. Now he lives in Japan and works as an English teacher teaching university

students. The wife worked at the same work place but had different jobs as her husband.

They got married and now they have a 19 month old baby.

The husband’s Japanese level is advanced and he can speak Japanese fluently.

On the other hand, the wife can’t speak English so much so that they always use

Japanese to communicate to each other. The husband also knows about Japanese culture

because he studied it at university and he really loves Japan. On the other hand, the wife

knows about American culture only through the media. Thus she does not know much

about real life in the USA, so she is sometimes surprised by her husband’s stories of life

there.

The husband considers that Japan to be almost his native culture, and they do

not often have conflicts based on nationality difference at all. They have experienced

misunderstandings about gender-related differences more than national culture. For

instance how they organize talk and how they show listening and care. The husband

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answered that he feels differences when he watches his wife interacts with her family.

He said it is because her family’s values are different from his own parent’s ideas. The

husband thinks about international relationships that people often get married to the

“image” they have of a person from their previous country rather than understanding the

individual. He said if you know who you are marrying then the problems will be the

same ones you would have in a non-international marriage.

To keep good relationships they spend time together, listen to each other,

encourage each other and to do what they want. He said the secret to keeping good

cross-cultural relationships is if you do not know your partner’s cultural background,

you should learn about it. At the same time, you have to remember that your partner is

an individual, and may not be a person who follows the trends in his/ her home country.

He said the important thing is listening and trying to see things from the other person’s

point of view.

Case Study 4– couple B

Couple B is a Chinese American/ Japanese couple living in Okayama

Prefecture, Japan. They have been with for about 20 years. They met at graduate school

in USA and got married. They have a son who is 21 years old. The wife can speak

English 80% and Chinese 20% because she lived in USA for a long time and learned

Chinese at college to know about his cultural background. The husband is Chinese-

American so he can speak English, Cantonese and Mandarin. Thus their language

together is English. Their son learned English from birth to before kindergarten and

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after that he learned Japanese. As a result he can speak Japanese 99% and English 70%.

Their family language is also English.

The wife answered that she felt the cultural difference of life style when the

husband first entered the Japanese house with his shoes on. The husband does not do

this anymore, but sometimes he still does that when he is in a hurry. She also answered

American people tend to speak more than Japanese people. She said they seem to fear

silence and sometimes he keeps on talking to her when she is not responding.

The wife thinks a lot about international marriage also applies to a non-

international marriage. She said people have to understand each other, and sometimes

compromise with each other. The things they do to keep good relationships are “keeping

communicating with partner” and “speaking out to your partner if you don’t like

something”.

Case Study 5 – couple C

Couple C is an American/ Japanese couple living in Okayama/ Tokyo, Japan.

The boyfriend has lived in Japan for about three years as an English teacher teaching

university students. The girlfriend also EFL (English as a foreign language) teacher in

Tokyo. They met at an EFL teacher’s conference in a work shop. They have been

together over two and half years.

The boyfriend has been to more than twenty different countries. He can speak

Japanese 40% and Spanish 30% as well as his mother tongue. The girlfriend has lived

abroad and she went to international school for four years in high school so that she

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can speak English 85%. Thus they use English to communicate with each other. The

boyfriend’s ancestry is part-Japanese so that he knows Japanese culture 70% and the

girlfriend knows his culture 50% because of living in U.S.A and going to international

school. They know partner’s culture more than 50%.

The boyfriend feels many differences with her. The big problem is that the

girlfriend is always very worried about what other people think of her. She is very self-

conscious, worried and nervous about what other people think. The boyfriend always

tells her do not worried/ care about it. He said Japan is a very “tribal” culture/ society

and groups are always concerned about what other groups think. In U.S.A people often

do not care about what other people think/ say. He said it is a big cultural difference for

them. The other problem is she does not tell him when she is angry or upset. He has to

read her mind to figure out how she feels. It is very difficult for him. The other problem

is a language problem. The girlfriend tells him she wants to be able to express her true

feelings to him in Japanese, but she cannot because his Japanese level is not good

enough. She speaks and teaches English all day at work, so when she comes home she

wants to express herself in her native language, Japanese. He cannot fully understand

her Japanese, but he totally understands and agrees with her feelings.

To solve these problems they take a lot of work and patience. The boyfriend

said they must learn to love each other’s good parts and bad parts. He also said Japanese

and American culture is, of course, important, but what is most important is that we are

all human. Therefore he emphasizes that he try not to worry so much about cultural

differences and respect/ understand human likenesses.

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Case Study 6– couple D

Couple D is an American/ Japanese couple living in Okayama Prefecture,

Japan. The boyfriend came to Japan as an English teacher teaching adults at English

conversation school. The boyfriend and the girl friend met at the school and have been

together about two years. The boyfriend took some Japanese and Japanese culture

classes at university thus he knows them 40%. The girlfriend can speak English 30%

because she learned it at school and went to English conversation class. They

communicate in both language English and Japanese. They struggle with each other’s

language, so they often have misunderstandings.

Culturally, there are differences but the boyfriend has not really felt any

difficulties with the difference between their cultures. He said it takes some getting used

to, and it was pretty easy to adjust to his girlfriend. On the other hand, he feels the

differences in culture when he is working or when he goes to the post office, super

market, and so on. He feels very different from everyone at those times, and he is

treated differently. However his girlfriend treats him with respect, and love. It makes

him comfortable when he is with her. He answered that the only difficulty that bothered

him at first was silence. In Japan silence is not really an uncomfortable situation, but

usually silence is kind of an uncomfortable thing for him. However, he got used to it

after a while. The language barrier is the most different and difficult factor for them to

adjust to.

He thinks international relationships are important, and difficult, but to become

more of a peaceful, global society, we must promote and work toward better

international relationships. The couple answered the secret to keeping good

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relationships are “keeping an open mind”, “learning as much language as possible” and

“being patient”. They talk as much as they can, and they did their best to understand

each other. They also let each other have equal opportunities to choose what to do on

dates or trips.

Case Study 7– couple E

Couple E is an England/ Japanese couple living in Okayama Prefecture, Japan.

The boyfriend came to Japan to be an English teacher at English conversation school a

year ago. He met his girlfriend through a friend and they have been together for six

months. The boyfriend has lived in seven different countries and visited many more.

The boyfriend’s mother tongue is English and the girlfriend’s mother tongue is

Japanese. They cannot speak partner’s language much. The boyfriend can speak

Japanese only 20 %, the girlfriend can speak English only 30%, but they use Japanese to

communicate with each other. Thus their main difficulty is when they have problems

but not the vocabulary to talk about them. They said they have to wait until it is possible

to talk properly. The cultural difference the girlfriend felt at first was strong eye contact.

She said that when she talked with him, she found direct eye-contact a bit strange.

The boyfriend answered about international relationships that sharing cultures

is fun, and the problems are smaller than rewards. For keeping good relationships they

do anything they can, mostly just being patient and not getting angry or upset. He also

said “do not make any expectations” is the secret of keeping good cross-cultural

relationships.

26

Case Study 8– couple F

Couple F is an American/ Japanese couple living in Okayama Prefecture,

Japan. They have been together for 13 years. They worked at same school and got

married. They have a two-year-old son now. The husband has lived in Japan for a long

time and the wife have lived abroad so that they can speak both Japanese and English

proficiently. The son has only just started to talk, but he speaks and understands both.

They use both languages to communicate with each other.

The couple does not worry about culture. Neither one of them is very cultural.

They don’t care about holidays and cultural traditions. They are both very open and

honest in their communication with each other and have the same personality. Thus they

also do not feel the difference of communication styles. The husband thinks even in

international relationships people’s individual personalities are much more important

and influential than culture.

2.4 Summary

We looked at the result of the questionnaire in this chapter. Some answers were

the same and some were different. In Chapter Three, we will discuss more details of

each question and compare the subjects answer. Using these data we hope to be able to

get information about how people in international relationships make their cross-cultural

relationships go smoothly, what some of the typical cross-cultural issues people in

international relationships face and how they solve them.

27

Chapter Three: Discussion

3.1 Introduction

In Chapter One, we discussed culture by looking at the definitions, ten categories of

culture and The Iceberg Model of Culture, and also cross-cultural relationships by

looking at the relationships in international business and international marriage.

In Chapter Two, we collected some data regarding cross-cultural relationships in

international marriage, and then looked at the overall findings about problems they

experienced due to difference of cultures and how people in cross-cultural relationships

make their relationships go smoothly.

Now, in this Chapter Three, we will look the results of the questionnaire in more detail.

3.2 Summary of the results

Questionnaire data was collected from eight international couples. The

questionnaire was designed to find out how they can make cross-cultural relationships

go smoothly. Moreover, we focused on what some of the typical cross-cultural issues

people in international relationships face and its solutions.

The results of the data from the questionnaire show some tendencies about

cross-cultural relationships.

28

3.3 Discussion of the results

We looked at the results of the questionnaire in Chapter Two. In this section we will

look in more detail and answer the research questions we asked in Chapter One.

3.3.1 Overview

Many subjects reported that cross-cultural relationships are not easy but it is a

lot of fun. They enjoy being in cross-cultural relationships and learn cultural differences

positively. Because of them they can get a wide perspective and an international point of

view. Also they answered that it is important to see your partner as an individual, and

may be not as a foreigner. Culturally, there are of course many issues, but they think the

issues are same ones as non-international couples have.

The couples who have been together longer have less issues than the couples

who have been together shorter.

3.3.2 Backgrounds of the subjects

We could know there were various types of couples. Most of the couples, either

husband (boyfriend) or wife were teachers teaching English to Japanese. Many of them

have learned about partner’s language or cultures at university or schools. Besides some

of them have lived abroad, study abroad and traveled more than 10 countries. This

showed that they tend to be used to the other cultures.

In terms of their languages, when both husband (boyfriend) and wife

(girlfriend) use English at work, they use English to communicate with each other.

29

When both can speak both languages, their relationship language is both English and

Japanese. When both of them cannot speak each partner’s language well, men tend to

adjust it to her, or the reason may be because they live in Japan. Also when husband

(boyfriend) can speak Japanese fluently, they communicate in Japanese

(wife/girlfriend’s language).

3.3.3 Answers to the Research Questions

In Chapter One, we focused on culture and cross-cultural relationships. In

Chapter Two we looked at the data we collected from eight international couples. In this

section we’ll look at the answers for each question.

Research Question 1: How can we make cross-cultural relationships go smoothly?

1) From Chapter Two, we found out most subjects try to communicate a lot with

their partner to keep good cross-cultural relationships. They talk and teach about

each other and also learn about partner’s culture and language positively. Trying to

understand each other’s background and cultural differences, and also try to give

their partner better understandings are necessary. This can be seen in Case Study 2

(Byoung-hyo/ Ayako), Case Study3 (Couple A), Case Study4 (Couple B) and Case

Study 6 (Couple D). For example, in Case Study 2, Byoung-hyo and Ayako which

is a Korean/ Japanese couple living in Okayama often talk about their cultural

differences and sometimes they talk even about prejudice. They tell their honest

opinions and listen to partner’s opinions, and do not deny partner’s culture and

opinions. And also in Case Study 1 (Patrick and Ayako) and Case Study 4 (Couple

30

B) they answered that international couple should speak out if you do not like

something. In Case Study 1, Patrick and Ayako which is American / Japanese

couple living in Hiroshima said that they argue a lot and keep asking questions

when they do not understand. The wife does not pretend like she knows or

understands. Because of this they learn and understand each other effectively and

quickly.

2) In cross-cultural relationships, they should see their partner as an individual, not

as a foreigner. This can be seen in Case Study 5, Couple C, an American/ Japanese

couple who live in Okayama/ Tokyo. The boyfriend answered that the culture is

important but the most important thing is that we are all human. Therefore, people

do not have to worry so much about cultural differences and respect human

likeness. We can also see in Case Study 8, Couple F, American/ Japanese couple

who both can speak English and Japanese proficiently. They do not worry and care

about culture so that they do not have cultural issues. The husband answered that

people’s personalities are much more important and influential than culture. It

seems that secret of keeping good cross-cultural relationships is maintaining a

partner's own individual set of values while respecting and adjusting to that of

him/herself.

31

Research Question 2: What are some of the typical cross-cultural issues people in

international relationships face?

1) Some couples have language problems. If both husband and wife (boyfriend and

girlfriend) can speak their partner’s language as well as their native tongue, they

may not have language problems. However if not, every couple will have some

language barrier. They have various problems, for example, they cannot speak

partner’s language well and cannot tell what they want to say. Also they worried

whether they can say what they want to tell and understand what partner said

exactly. The other language problem we can see in Case Study 5, Couple C, an

American/ Japanese couple. The girlfriend can speak English fluently so they

communicate in English with each other. However, she uses English all day at work

as well so that she wants to speak Japanese at home. However, if she expresses her

feelings in Japanese, the boyfriend cannot understand fully.

2) It may not be an issue but some people feel differences in displaying affection. In

Case Study 2, Byoung-hyo and Ayako, a Korean/ Japanese couple who are both still

students living in Okayama reported about it. The girlfriend reported that at first she

was surprised and reluctant about direct expressions of love. She said Korean

couples do not mind hugging and kissing on the street and they usually cuddle in

public. While Korean couples often walks close together while putting his arms

around her waist, Japanese couple walks side by side or join hands with the partner.

At first she could not accept them and show her feelings directly, but now she got

used to it. Case Study 1, Patrick and Ayako also struggle against the difference in

displaying affection. The husband, Patrick said that in his country, men treat their

32

wife as an important matter, and they do not think it is embarrassing to hug and kiss

in public. The wife, Ayako lived in U.S.A for two and half years, but she has not

gotten used to it even now.

3) Some subjects who are already married have the issues about dealing with family.

Ayako is Patrick’s wife from U.S.A (Case Study 1) reported about it. She reported

that in the U.S.A and in Japan there is a difference in how the family should be.

There are many family events and people spend a lot of time with their family.

Sometimes she found this rather exhausting, and although she gets along well with

her Japanese family, she felt her family is dry. In Case Study 3, the husband is from

the U.S.A. living in Okayama also reported about it. The husband feels difference

when he watches his wife interact with her family. He said it is because his wife’s

family’s values are different from his own parent’s ideas.

4) Most subjects reported that they often feel communication gaps and differences

in communication styles. Communication gaps happen where there is no proper

communication between the people. Even if people can communicate with language,

it is possible to cause cultural communication gaps. Communication style is the way

people use different strategies to communicate like direct/ indirect, use of silence,

gesture, face expression and posture. Most of the misunderstandings subjects

reported were about non-verbal communication. Non-verbal communication is the

communication without the use of sound (Shaules, 2009: 32). Non-verbal

communication is influenced by cultures. It is said that non-verbal communication

in the whole communication account for 70%-95% (Kuroki, 2002: 62). Also unlike

33

the verbal behavior, most of the non-verbal behavior is act unconsciously. Thus

misunderstanding and friction tend to cause by misreading of non-verbal behavior.

In this investigation, subjects reported about non-verbal communication such as

silence, eye contact, smile, and direct/indirect communication.

In Case Study 2, a Korean/ Japanese couple who are both still students answered that

they were uncomfortable with cultural difference about smiling. The girlfriend said

Koreans do not show their smile until they become close. On the other hand, Japanese

often smile at anybody. Thus at first she felt Koreans are dry. The boyfriend said many

Japanese often smile even if they make a forced smile. On the other hand, Koreans do

not smile in front of strangers. For that reason, some Korean men misread that Japanese

women smile at him.

In Case Study 7, an English/ Japanese couple living in Okayama reported about eye-

contact. The girlfriend said she found direct eye-contact a bit strange at first. There is

big difference in eye contact between Japan and Western countries. Although it has been

changed, in Japan when people talk to a person, they tend to avoid eye contact. It is said

that Japanese lower their eyes when speaking to a superior as a gesture of respect, but in

Western culture this can be interpreted as being shifty-eyed. Many Western perceive this

as impolite and ignorant. In Western culture eye contact is very important and usually

made very directly. It is a sign that the person is listening to the other person. According

to these cultural differences, most of the Western feel uncomfortable if eye contact has

been consciously avoided and most Japanese feel strange about direct eye-contact.

Besides it may one of the reasons that the couples who are in love each other have a

longer eye-contact than otherwise.

34

In Case Study 6, Couple D who is an American/ Japanese couple reported about silence.

The boyfriend reported that he is usually uncomfortable with her silence. English

speaker tend to be more verbal than Japanese speakers, on the other hand Japanese

speakers tend to use silence more. Generally, silence in a conversation makes Western

uncomfortable. Also it makes them feel like something they have to say, then try to

break a silence by keep talking themselves. They are kind of negative about silence, but

for Asian people silence refers to respect and politeness. The Japanese girlfriend uses

silence unconsciously however it is awkward for the Western boyfriend.

Related to this is the directness/indirectness. English speakers tend to be more direct

than Japanese speakers. Direct communication is when the true intentions are revealed

in the verbal messages. In other words, direct communication is when the meaning of

the message is communicated mainly via words. On the other hand, indirect

communication is when the true intentions are hidden. Indirect communication is when

meaning is not only in the words, but mainly in the surrounding context of a

conversation, and people tend to communicate via nuance and euphemism. This type of

communication is more passive. An indirect speaker tends not to make a direct

statement or directly answer a question. For instance, they are more likely to use

“maybe” or “possibly” when the true answer is “No”. It is thought by an indirect

speaker that being polite is more important than giving a true response. It is difficult for

a direct person to fully understand the complexity of indirectness. In Case Study 5,

Couple C, American/ Japanese couple who live in Okayama/ Tokyo reported about

direct/ indirect communication. The boyfriend answered that his girlfriend does not tell

him when she is angry. It is difficult and frustrating for him to read her mind to figure

out what she thinks.

35

Research Question 3: How do they solve these?

i. Effort

All subjects make some efforts to solve these problems and keep good cross-cultural

relationships. Most of the subjects reported that they try to learn their partner’s culture

and language to understand each other more. Some subjects struggle with a language

barrier, however the more they make effort, the lower the barriers become. If they learn

even one word or idiom, they can talk to their partner that much more. Besides, they try

to talk with each other to learn their partner’s culture. Taking interests in their partner’s

culture and asking questions is the most effective and easiest way to learn them.

Japanese subjects tend to avoid saying something or telling their feelings directly, and

their partner feel uncomfortable about it. Even couples of the same nationality have

trouble understanding their partner's feelings without the use of words, so it is more

difficult for international couples to gauge feelings without words. Ayako is a Japanese

wife married with American husband (Case Study 1). She understands that difficulties

so that she tries to tell him her feelings directly consciously. It is essential that

husband/wife (boyfriend/ girlfriend) tell their partner how they feel, whether sad, happy,

angry or frustrated, because cultural differences might keep them from knowing how

partner feels without being told. The use of words is the best way to know exactly how

your partner is feeling.

ii. Patience

Many couples reported patience is necessary when they are together with the person

from other cultural background. The international couples need patience when they face

36

challenges, when things don't go their own way and when other people cross them.

Besides, they need patience when they marry and must take in a new set of ways into

their own ways. People often think their own ways are the best, and it will cause the

more trouble. They need to open their minds to accepting someone else's way of living.

If both of them have no patience and they start arguments, they will not be able to

communicate and reach understandings. If they say “I want this and I want it now”, it is

difficult to overcome challenges. Also, they need patience when they face language

barriers and when they study partner’s language. When they talk each other, the listener

also needs to be patient. The listener should keep in mind his/ her partner tries to tell

something in non-his/her-native language. The listener should be patient and listen what

the partner tries to say.

iii. Compromise

The wife of Couple B (Case Study 4) reported that they sometimes have to discuss

issues and compromise with each other. Discussing means listening to what their partner

is talking about, understanding it and giving their own opinion. If only one side keeps

saying his/her opinion or refuses to acknowledge the partner’s opinion, it is not a

“discussion”. It is important to speak out, but sometimes they need to compromise to

solve the problems.

3.4 Limitations of the questionnaire

37

There are some limitations with the case studies that we have to be aware of. This time,

there were only eight couples who are in cross-cultural relationships. However, more

subjects should be asked to do this questionnaire. Also most of the couples were

American/ Japanese couples where the male is from America and the female is from

Japan. We should have asked for more various couples, for instance, Chinese/ Japanese,

Japanese/Indian and Japanese/ Filippino couples. If so, we can collect more various data

such as about religious problems and parenting problems.

If there is another chance, the limitation of this questionnaire will be improved

and will be done more carefully.

3.5 Further research

There are a few things which we can research to get more reliable results for the

research questions. The research in this thesis has been based on the questionnaires

answered by eight international couples. We could get valuable results from their

answers. However, there are several problems with this research; for example, some

subjects were reluctant to answer or one of them turned down the interview. In other

words some couples answered the questionnaire only husband or wife. Probably it is

because the questionnaire was made up of private questions. The subjects have to

answer their background such as nationality, age, education and how much they know

about their L1 and L2. Also they have to answer about their relationships with their

partner such as how long they have been together and their problem due to cultural

differences. To avoid this, I would like to explain more about the questionnaire for both

husband and wife (boyfriend and girlfriend). If so, they would more understand about

38

the questionnaire and we could get more clear and useful results and consider Research

Questions deeply.

3.6 Conclusion

In this chapter, we looked at the result of the case studies. The research

questions were;

1) Research Question 1: How can we make cross-cultural relationships go

smoothly?

2) Research Question 2: What are some of the typical cross-cultural issues

people in international relationships face?

3) Research Question 3: How do they solve these?

This thesis showed what kind of difficulties international couples face and how

they overcome these and what they do to make their relationships go smoothly. We

could find out that the international relationships affected them in a positive way, for

example, they became open-mind, generous, communicative, flexible, and an

internationally minded person. Also they came to be able to speak a second language

better, and got a wide perspective. Culturally they have many differences, but they do

not see they are “issues” so much. Most of the subjects enjoy their cultural differences

and learn them positively. Moreover, they think the problems are the same as the

couples who are in non-international relationships. They consider that their cultural

background is different from their own, but they are all humans so that they should see

their partner as individual, and not to be overly-conscious of the person who came from

a different culture.

39

References

Condon, J.C and Saito, M.1976. Communicating Across Cultures for What?. The

Simul Press.

Damen, L. 1987. Culture Learning: The Fifth Dimension on the Language Classroom.

MA: Addison-Wesley.

Hall, E.T and Hall, M.R. 1987. Hidden Differences. Anchor Press.

Harris, P.R, Moran, R.T and Moran, S.V. 1983. Managing Cultural Differences.

MA:Elsevier.

Hofstede, G. 1984. National cultures and corporate cultures. CA:Wadsworth.

Lederach, J.P. 1995. Preparing for peace: Conflict transformation across cultures. NY:

Syracuse University Press.

Linton, R. 1945. The Cultural Background of Personality. New York.

Samovar, L.A, Porter, R.E and McDaniel, E.R. 2010 Communication Between Cultures.

Boston:Wadsworth.

Shaules, J and Abe, J. 2009. Different Realities. Tokyo:Nan’un-do Publishing Company.

伊佐雅子・池田理知子・灘光洋子. 2007. 多文化社会と異文化コミュニケーショ

ン. 東京: 三修社.

黒木雅子. 2002. 異文化論への招待. 大阪: 朱鷺書房.

斉藤弘子. 1988. 国際結婚 100 家族. 東京: 明石書店

古田暁・石井敏・岡部朗一. 2000. 異文化コミュニケーション. 東京: 有斐閣.

古田暁・石井敏・岡部朗一. 2002. 異文化コミュニケーションキーワード. 東京:

有斐閣.

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Websites

Curtin, J.S. 2002. Global Communication Platform. Accessed November 25, 2011

<http://www.glocom.org/special_topics/social_trends/20021112_trends_s16/index.html>

Penstone, J. 2011. Opengecko. Accessed October 15, 2011 <

http://opengecko.com/interculturalism/visualising-the-iceberg-model-of-culture/>

小 野 暁 史 .2010. 厚 生 労 働 省 . Accessed November 30, 2011

<http://www.mhlw.go.jp/toukei/saikin/hw/jinkou/suikei09/index.html>

本 川 裕 . 2011. 社 会 実 情 デ ー タ 図 録 . Accessed November 30, 2011

<http://www2.ttcn.ne.jp/honkawa/index.html>

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Appendix 1- Background Data

Case Study Name Age Nationality Period

1 Patrick Husband 28 U.S.A Three and half years

Ayako Wife 23 Japan

2 Byoung-hyo Boyfriend 26 Korea Two years

Ayako girlfriend 22 Japan

3 Couple A Husband 38 U.S.A About 10 years

Wife 38 Japan

Child(f) 19m Japan

4 Couple B Husband - U.S.A About 20 years

Wife - Japan

Child(m) 21 Japan(U.S.A)

5 Couple C Boyfriend 40 U.S.A Two and half years

Girlfriend 33 Japan

6 Couple D Boyfriend 30 U.S.A About two years

Girlfriend - Japan

7 Couple E Boyfriend 27 UK Six months

Girlfriend 30 Japan

8 Couple F Husband 36 U.S.A 13 years

Wife 39 Japan

Child(m) 2 Japan(U.S.A)

42

Case Study Name Couple L1 L2 L2

levelCouple

language1 Patrick Husband English Japanese 70% E:20%, J:80%

Ayako Wife Japanese English 80% E:70%, J:30%

2 Byoung-hyo Boyfriend Korean Japanese 70% Japanese

Ayako girlfriend Japanese English 30% Japanese

3 Couple A Husband English Japanese 80~90% Japanese

Wife Japanese English 25~50% Japanese

Child(f) - - - -

4 Couple B Husband English Chinese 99% English

Wife Japanese English 80% English

Child(m) Japanese English 70% -

5 Couple C Boyfriend English Japanese 40% E:85%, J:15%

Girlfriend Japanese English 85% E:85%, J:15%

6 Couple D Boyfriend English Japanese 40% E:30%, J:70%

Girlfriend Japanese English 30% E:30%, J:70%

7 Couple E Boyfriend English Japanese 20% Japanese

Girlfriend Japanese English 30% Japanese

8 Couple F Husband English Japanese 100% Jap./ Eng.

Wife Japanese English 100% Jap./ Eng.

Child(m) Japanese English - -

Key:* L1 – first Language (Native Language)* L2－second Language

43

Case Study Name Couple MISC.

1 Patrick Husband Lived in Japan for 1 and half years/ Eikaiwa/ JET

Ayako WifeAustralia (a year and 2 months)/

U.S.A (2 and half years). Eikaiwa

2 Byoung-hyo Boyfriend Exchange student/ lived in Japan for 3 years

Ayako girlfriend Studying English at Uni.

3 Couple A HusbandMajored in an East Asian Studies at Uni./

Uni. teacher

Wife

Child(f) Baby talk

4 Couple B Husband Chinese American/

Wife Lived in U.S.A/ Uni. Prof.

Child(m)English (Birth~ before kindergarten),

Japanese (Kindergarten~)

5 Couple C BoyfriendAncestry is part-Japanese / traveled to 20 different

countries, Uni. Teacher

Girlfriend Lived in U.S.A/ international school (high school)

6 Couple D Boyfriend Lived in Japan for 5 years/ Eikaiwa

Girlfriend Canada(home stay, 1 months and 2 weeks)

7 Couple E BoyfriendLived in 7 different countries/

Lived in Japan for a year

Girlfriend

8 Couple F HusbandTraveled more than 10 countries/ Eikaiwa/

Uni. teacher

Wife Traveled more than 30 countries/ studied abroad

Child(m)Just started to talk/

speak and understands Japanese and English

44

Appendix 2- Sample Questionnaire

Notre Dame Seishin University Ayako Kayano

I’m collecting the data for graduation thesis. I will use your information privately. My thesis topic is “Cross-cultural relationship”. Please tell me about your experiences.

◆Using nameO K　　　　　　　　　or　　　　　　　　　Anonymous

(1) Background information

Name Age Sex NationalityWhere were you born?

Where do you live?

Husband

Wife

C1

C2

LanguageHow well doyou know it?

How did youlearn it?

Have you ever been outside of your country?

Husband1)

2)

%

%

Where?

Wife1)

2)

%

%

Where?

C11)2)

%%

Name: Date:

45

C21)2)

%%

LANGUAGE Couple languageAt work or school

languageFamily

languageHusband

Wife

Q. Can you speak partner’s language?Husband: YES ・ NO (%) / Wife: YES ・ NO　　 (%)

Q. How much did you know about partner’s country/culture? How did you learn?

Husband: (%) [how?]

Wife: (%) [how?]

Q. What is the secret to keeping good cross-cultural relationships?

Husband:

Wife:

46

◆about relationship Q. When/ How did you meet your partner? Q. How long have you been with?

Q. Which country’s rule do you follow now?

Q. Who decided the rule?

Please tell me about your experiences or stories about

When you feel difference of culture

When you feel difference of lifestyle or custom

When you feel difference of worth　

Name: Date:

47

Do you feel difference of communication style because you belong

to different culture? What difference of communication style do

you feel?(silence, eye contact, guess culture, direct/indirect, smile…)

What do you think about international relations?

Are you doing something for keeping good relationship?

Tell me the point you changed after being with your partner.

48

Thank you for your cooperation!

49