urban monk 1 - living in joy

8/15/2019 Urban Monk 1 - Living in Joy

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No one pa sses through life unhurt.Insults, be traya ls, b a d p a rent ing, the list o f things tha t c an ha pp en to us a s we

journey is exhaustive.

These lea ve sc a rs on us. Physica lly a nd menta lly. The hea rt is frag ile, esp ec iallywhe n it’ s young a nd no t fully forme d .

Wha t is the result o f this?Ang er, sa d ness. The need for forgiveness work.

This boo k will provide it a ll for you. You 'll dea l with the c rip p ling e mo tions tha tyou've ha rboured inside yo u. Then you 'll c lea r ou t a ny rem a ining resen tments.

Fina lly, you'll lea rn how to ha nd le a ny thing in the future so tha t you wo n’ t evennee d a nge r and sad ness wo rk.



Table of Contents:IntroductionTab le of c onte ntsHow to use this b oo kIt m ight kill you o the rwise: Ang er Relea se7 Ste ps to unc rush yo ur soul: Grief and Sa dne ss Relea se6 Step s to hea ling the feste ring wo und sHow to b e a roc k in a c hao tic wo rldIt might ruin your life otherwise: Managing Fresh AngerConclusionInformationHah! Tricked you!



How to use this manifestoI like the wo rd ma nifesto . Strictly spea king suc h e Boo ks c an't b e c onsid eredma nifestos but the on line world d oe sn't see m to c a re, so I won't. It ma kes thisdo c ument sound imp ortant, hehe.

The p roc esses I d oc umented in this eBoo k are a result of my own experienc es,yea rs of rea d ing a nd c onsulting w ith p rofe ssiona ls.

The first step to b ec om ing free is to d ea l with your own pa st. The p a st c a n c om eup in ma ny wa ys - most imp ortantly in your em otions a nd henc e yourrelationships, health and your entire life.

I rec om me nd c lea ring your emotions in the follow ing orde r: Ange r, then g rief. Thea rticles a re a rra nged in this orde r for a rea son . Som etime s they c om e in a c yc le;dea l with eac h em otion a s they a rise.

Afte r c lea ring ou t the se m a jor em ot ions, you 'll ofte n find tha t slight trac es rem a in.These slight trac es a re d ea lt w ith in a d ifferent ma nner, de sc rib ed in the thirdarticle.

The fina l a rticle is a wa y of stop p ing any future events from hurting you - stopp ingyou from eve r nee d ing the first three a rtic les a ga in. Wouldn't tha t b e grea t?



DisclaimerIf it is som ething tha t you c a nnot ha nd le, plea se d o no t feel ashame d to see kout p rofe ssiona l help.

This eBook is for ed uc a tiona l purpo ses only. You a nd you a lone a re resp onsiblefor wha t you d o w ith it. By rea d ing this you a g ree tha t he will a ssume no lia b ilityor responsib ility to a ny p erson or entity for any loss or dama ge relate d d irec tly orindirectly to this article.

How to na viga teThere are ma ny wa ys you c a n naviga te this doc ume nt:1) You c an use the na viga tion b a r b elow .2) You c an use the a rrow keys on your keyb oa rd ( ) to go b ac k one pa ge, and( ) to go forwa rd .3) You c a n right c lic k to go forwa rd o r left c lic k to go bac k.



It will kill you o therwise: Relea sing Anger

Ang er is c ripp ling. It c olours everything . Every mom ent of your d ay is influenc edby it. It is often linked to d ep ression. The re is no wa y to ac hieve true, la stingha pp iness with it inside yo u. There is no wa y you c an ha ve a p rop er roma nticrelationship.

Sad ness and anger do n’ t just g o a wa y b y them selves. Many peo p le suffer fromthe se em otions. Do yo u? It will kill you.

The Inc red ible Hulk isn’t so fun in rea l life

I suffe red from a ng er issues yea rs ago. I was dep ressed . Often d esc ribe d a s age ntle a nd p olite “ ted d y-b ea r” guy a s I wa s younge r, I wa s a c hang ed ma n.

I ma naged to hide it for long period s of time , but whe n I b lew up , I b lew up . Ibec ame verba lly ab usive a nd irra tiona l. It hurt the peo p le w ho w ere around m eand loved me the mo st. It ruined my relationship s with my g irlfriends and myfam ily. I sp ira lled d ow n into a d ee p d ep ression tha t lasted for more then a yea r – and ba d ly d ec lining physic a l hea lth.

Ang er lead s to rage. Broken fa milies, stress and misery, po or physica l hea lth, ithas even b een linked to c anc er.

When you c onq uer yourself, thoug h, you d rop a ll tha t em otiona l we ight. You fee llike a new person. Your self-estee m and c onfidenc e g row s a s you beg in toma ste r yourself. And you’ ll ha ve taken a ma jor step towards true ha pp iness.What mo re d o you need to know?

Understanding it



First you ha ve to und ersta nd ang er. It is simp ly a n energy. Don’ t m ake yo urselfwrong for be ing ang ry. It is a p rotec tion system . It lets you know som ething iswrong . Someo ne is c rossing your bound a ries.When you c an’ t ha nd le it p rop erly, it b ec om es rage. Now, rage is wrong . It isange r ove rloa ded . It c a uses you to b ec om e a busive o r eve n violent. It is toxic .

What d o I mea n? Emo tions a re like vegeta b les. When they a re fresh, they a refine. But whe n they’ ve b ee n in the frid ge for a long time , they g o to xic !

How to de al with Anger

There a re ma ny exerc ises for relea sing anger tha t I’ve c om e a c ross in all theva rious me thod s or therap ies. I p resen t them he re - stripp ed dow n to theessentials he re .

Note tha t you nee d to d o this a few times. Pa in c om es in wa ves, a nd often o netry wo n’t be enoug h to relea se a ll that p ent-up energy.

Step OneThere a re m any c auses of a ng er or sad ness; bad pa rent ing , c hildhood bullies,pa st love rs. Try to tra c e it ba c k to its roo ts, understa nd it, and try to g ive it avo ice . This is vita l. Don’ t skip it.

Step Two

Find a sa fe loc a tion. Som ew here you c an sc rea m a nd a c t out your ang er. Youc an b e a lone, or you c an b e with a pe rson you trust and who w on’ t be afraid.

Step Three



Let it out! Sc rea m it out! Ac t it out – there a re vo c a l a nd physic a l c om p one nts.Both a re imp ortant ing red ients, you c a nnot ha ve one a nd no t the other.

You might fee l weird and self-c onsc ious d oing this, it’ s norma l. Don’ t g ive up .Som etimes you c an’ t d o it. You feel som ething ho ld ing you b a c k. Kee p trying; it’ llcome.

So: Say everything you’ ve a lways wa nte d to sa y. Even if it’ s just a string ofvulga rities, d o it! Yell, bec om e the ye ll. Sc rea m unt il your who le b od y trem b lesfrom hea d to toe .

In c onjunction, do som ething p hysic a l.

a ) Kneel like you 're p ra ying . Find a la rge p illow . Make a ha mm er fist w ith yourha nd s (Not a boxing style fist, you m ight hurt your wrist). And sta rt p ound ing thepillow with all your might until you c a n’ t go a ny mo re.

b ) Som e p eo p le like tw isting mo re. Find a towel, and twist it like you a re trying towring out e very la st d rop of w a ter.

Step Four

Rep ea t. Do it ove r and aga in. You’ ll feel, one d ay, tha t a ll your rep ressed a nge ris gone . It might ta ke wee ks, it might ta ke d a ys, it’ s d ifferent fo r everyone , butyou w ill rec og nise it whe n it c om es.



Unc rush your Soul: Sadness Release

The next step a fter anger is sa dness. Both usua lly c om e tog ether, but d ue to thewa y we a re w ired , we often c an't ac c ess our grief without g etting rid of theanger.

Without dea ling w ith it, any ha pp iness you a c hieve w ill no t be true or la sting .Eve ryone runs a round sea rc hing fo r hap piness – in p a rties, rom anc e, trave l, ord rugs. Other pe op le use a lc oho l or wo rk extra ha rd .

And none o f it ever wo rks. Nothing c a n make the m t ruly ha ppy. Why is this so?

Linge ring sa dness. I believe a lmost eve ryone ha s sa dness inside the m tha t the ydon't show . They d on't know how to d ea l with it. Som etimes they d on't eve nknow it - the hurt is often rep ressed .

So: p luc k up som e c ourag e a nd som e ho nesty. It's time to loo k de ep insid e, findand fix that p ain.

How to untangle y our heart

Ima gine a gruesom e physic a l injury. Ima g ine d ripp ing b loo d . Ima gine interna lorga ns hang ing o ut of a huma n b od y. Now imag ine tha t it is your bo d y.

There is a strong na tura l relucta nc e to loo king a t it - you might g rima c e a nd loo kawa y. Even if you ha ve a stra nge fasc ina tion with it, you still don't w ant to getclose.

There is a simila r mess inside your hea rt. We d on't wa nt to look at it, or get c lose .We fea r reo pen ing old w ound s. But unless we rea c h in and unta ng le tha t me ss, it



will alwa ys be there, rot ting a wa y inside you, until you sp ira l down into dep ressionand a ruined life!

1. Find som ew here you c a n be a lone. Sit q uietly and think for a mom ent : Is the reanything yo u c annot let go of? Is there anything tha t kee ps c om ing into your

mind tha t – eve n for a sec ond – d rop s you into g loo m? Suc h thoug hts mightsee m like minor or ordina ry. Don't d isc ount them tho ugh, for they a re symp tomsof repressed sadness.

2. Close your eye s and b e still. Brea the dee p . Try to g ive the sa dness a vo ic e.Why are you sad ? If you a re the sad ness, wha t would you say?

3. Let yo urself feel the sad ness. Don't rep ress it. Fa c e everything you c om p ulsivelythink ab out b ut try to igno re o r forget. How d oe s it feel? How doe s it ma ke yourbod y want to reac t?

4. Rea lly get into it. What ha p pene d to yo u? In w ha t w ay doe s it hurt you? Doyou feel trivia lised , insulted , ab used , ab a ndone d , or betrayed ? Let your bod yrea c t the w ay it wa nts to - if you wa nt to c url up a nd c ry, then d o so. It's norma lto fee l weird or self-c onsc ious, just kee p going!

5. Are the re a ny internal b loc ks? Is the re a little vo ic e tha t says "Me n d on 't c ry"? Isthere a vo ic e te lling you tha t you've a lrea d y dea lt with it? Or it's no thing serious?Tha t is d enia l. Kee p going!

6. Cry! Ha ve you fo rgotte n how to c ry? Wha t you wa nt to a c hieve is d ee pc rying , the kind tha t is physic a lly ta kes over your chest o r mo re. If a ll you c a n g eta re a few tea rs tha t is fine to o. In fac t if you ha ven’ t c ried for a long time , it mightbe a ll you g et the first time.

7. Persona lly I find it he lp s to sit in a c orner som ew here on the floo r and c ry.Ma ybe it ec hoes with c hild hood pa in. Get a mo tel if you ha ve to, so no -onec an see you (if you live with som eo ne). Cry, and c ry, and c ry. It's relea sing. Sa y



everything you’ ve a lways wa nted to say. Don’ t c ensor yourself. Tell the personwho hurt you what they did to you, how d eep ly they have c ut you.

Fina l tips

You might ne ed seve ra l tries. Pa in c om es in w aves, and often times one a ttem p two n’t b e e nough to release a ll that p ent-up e nergy.

Why did the la st few step s see m rep et itive? There a re o ften so ma ny interna lbloc ks that you ha ve to o verc om e, and we have to d ea l with ea c h individua lly.When I d id this I ha d ma jor b loc ks stopp ing me . I c ouldn't c ry. I ha ven't c ried inyea rs - I wa s d rilled sinc e c hildhoo d not to c ry. Wha t a bad mista ke, but one tha t

ma ny pa rents ma ke with bo ys.

Men a nd sadness

It is norma l to b e sa d whe n som ething ha ppens – but ma ny pe op le, espec ia llyme n, are to ld to rep ress it a nd not show it. “Boys d on’ t c ry.” “ Men shed b loo d ,not tears.”

I've rea d about (mod ern) c ultures whe re m en w ere killed by their c om ra des forc rying. Ca n you imag ine how muc h p ain they have to ho ld inside ?

It is a c c ep tab le to wa it for a fitting time (be ing a lone for exam p le) to show it, butdo not ho ld it in o r p rete nd it do esn’ t exist. If you fe el it the n it is the re. No ne ed tora tiona lise it o r inte llec tua lise it. Ac c ep t a nd honour your fee lings. Find a time

and place to d ea l with it.

Note: while w om en c an c ry in front o f their friend s, do it a lone if you a re m a le -even if your wife o r g irlfriend wants to sup port you, don't let he r! The d ama ge toyour ima ge a nd her respec t for you w ill be irrep a rab le. Trust me o n this one .



6 Steps to healing the remaining wounds

You've no w d ea lt with the c ripp ling em otions.

But w ha t rem a ins? Chronic p a in and sad ness tha t ha s bee n hurting for so longtha t you ha ve sub c onsc iously bloc ked it out . The to xicity cont inues to e a t us fromthe inside.

It'll b e surp rising , wha t you c an unc over when you d ig d ee p to he a l yourself. Areyou brave enough?

We are used to hurting!

There is a physic a l ana log y for this tha t I ha ve: A fe w yea rs ago, a minor sp ineinjury I suffered in sports beg a n hurting so muc h tha t I d esperate ly beg a n lookingfor hea lth c a re p ra c titioners tha t c ould fix it. Afte r several we eks, I eventua llyfound one who fixed it. The p a in d isapp ea red for d ays.

A w ee k la te r, my sp ine sta rted hurting aga in! At first I thought he d idn’ t fix theinjury p rop erly, and tha t it had returned. I we nt b ac k to him, fee ling c hea ted . Butit wa sn’t the c a se. He c hec ked m y spine, and told me that in fac t, he ha d fixedtha t injury.

The p a in I wa s feeling wa s in fac t the p a in tha t I ha ve b ee n c a rrying for yea rsp rior, c aused b y po or posture a nd ob esity. I had b ec om e so used to it that itd id n’ t reg iste r co nsc iously. The rea son it fe lt like fresh p a in to me was bec ause Ihad be en pa in-free the w eek be fore.

This is the c a se fo r em otiona l pa in as well. Muc h like o ld p hysica l injuries, theyhave a wa y of d estroying your bo d y slow ly, som etimes without you no tic ing .



The Too ls: Chec king deep inside yourself

Get into a ha bit of do ing the exerc ise d esc rib ed below regularly; a t the end ofeve ry da y if you have time ; othe rwise a t the end of a we ek. This pa in c an c om ec ree p ing in throug h m any little w ays.

Do it even if you feel fine! Rem em ber, your co nsc ious mind m ight ha ve b loc kedout p a in to stop you from hurting, but it is still there.

1. The first step to this is to find a quiet spac e w here you c an b e a lone.

2. Take a few de ep b rea ths. If you w atc h your breath, you w on’ t eve n need toma ke it purposely dee p . Just o bserve it, fee l the a ir a s it ente rs your nose andgoe s dow n your a irways into your lung s. It’ ll na turally enter de ep into your belly.Pra c tise this for a m inute or two , until your emot ions sett le a nd you a re c a lm a ndquiet.

3. Allow yourself to fee l sa fe. For some, g azing a t yourself c a n b e sc a ry. Know

tha t while it might b e d iffic ult, it is no thing you c anno t ha nd le, and the results a rewo rth it.

4. Now just invite anything to c om e into yo ur spac e. It c ould b e fla shbac ks,bod ily sensa tions, or an e mot iona l sensa tion, or a voic e expressing wha t you fee l.Mo st likely it is the re a lrea d y, but you ha ve not no tice d it.

5. Don’ t fight it. Acc ep t it. Let a ny em otions b ubb le up to the front. If you ha ve tola ugh, c ry, or rage, then d o so. Do no t sup p ress it. Let it run until the c ha rge isspent.

6. Onc e you’ ve c om e out of it, you might wa nt to write d ow n wha t youexpe rienc ed or relived .



What to exp ec t

These q uick chec ks often revea l bod ily sensa tions. Somet imes it revea ls tigh tne ssin the c hest o r nec k, or a hea t, or a d a rk hea vy fee ling . Often minor sensa tionswill disa pp ea r simp ly be c ause you have a c c ep ted it a nd b eg un slow breathing.Strong er emo tions run d ee per and will req uire c ontinued wo rk and will have towa it until you c a n go som ew here you c a n spe nd time a lone.

True freed om at last

I tried this a few we eks a go , a fter a long period of em otiona l wo rk. I had b ee nfee ling on to p of the world. Surprisingly, I d isc ove red a d ee p sadness still insideme . This exerc ise c lea red out the rest.

Ano ther time I d id this exercise w a s when I wa s c onsc iously upset over a rec en trela tionship b rea k-up . I thoug ht I knew the rea son I wa s up set – loneliness and ab roken hea rt – but a s I d isc overed , rela tionship b rea k-up s ofte n trigger olde rfeelings, suc h a s aba ndonm ent a nd hurt.

Doing this exerc ise b roug ht b ac k seve ra l childhoo d me mo ries, long forgotte n o rrep ressed , that we re multip lying the hurt. Identifying them it a llow ed me to ma kemuch head wa y in c lea ring o ut the c ob web s.

Take ac tion!

Clearing out the se b a c kground resentm ents will a llow you to ac hieve true,

la sting ha pp iness. And wha t o the r life is worth living?



How to b e a roc k in a c haotic world

Finally, let's have a loo k at a c onc ep t that a llow nothing to affec t your pe a c e -me aning tha t you'll never need the first three a rtic les aga in.

Ima g ine b eing a roc k in the turmo il of the w orld a round you.

Ima gine the p ow er, the sec urity, the p ea c e, and the c a lm.

Is it reserved only for the highest sp iritua l ma ste rs? It m ight sound like it, b ut no . It isava ila b le to you now . The q uote below hide s the sec ret.

“ When hot b e thoroug hly hot, when c old b e thoroughly co ld .”

I forgo t w here I rea d it, I don 't eve n know if I quo ted it right. But over the yea rs it’sstuc k with me . Can yo u find the sec ret?

Roll with the punc hes

Non-resista nc e. Ea rth-sha tte ring , it m ight no t see m, b ut rea d on .

Inner resistance disrupts peace.

Althoug h this a pp lies to e verything tha t c an ha pp en in life, we 'll use som ething in

the quo te a s a n exam ple

Extrem e hea t is som ething tha t ma kes ma ny pe op le unc om fortab le a nd g rump y.Why?

The a utom a tic rea c tion is to fight the hea t. Turn the a ir-co n o n, take a show er.



Tha t's fine . But w ha t if you c an't? What if you ha ve to sit in a b oiling roo m fo r anhour?

Don't fight it. Fight ing it is wha t c auses the d isc omfo rt. Telling yourself "I don't w antthis; I wish I was somewhere e lse, I ha te this feeling ."

This inner resista nc e is no t yo ur fault; it is simp ly an a uto ma tic resp onse. This a rtic lewill help you to rec og nise tha t ha b it, a nd help you b rea k it.

What happ ens when yo u b rea k it? If, in the midd le o f summe r, you simp ly letyourself be hot, without c om p la ining me nta lly or voc a lly, and simp ly fee l theheat, won’t there b e true pe ac e?

A burning hot exa mp le

To he lp exp la in, let m e m yself as an examp le. I wa s sea rc hing for peac e a ndha pp iness. It c onsumed me . But I went a bout it the w rong w ay. I tried to fixeverything that ma d e m e unha pp y on a n individua l ba sis.

Argum ent with my g irlfriend ? Hit the b oo ks and find a ta c tic to d ea l with it. Tha two rked until a d ifferent p rob lem c a me up . Then open the b oo ks a ga in.

It d idn't wo rk we ll. My c ore p ersona lity w as still the same , and my p ea c e wa sea sily d isturbed a nd fra g ile.

Then som ething ha ppene d tha t no Self-Help boo k c a n fix. Extrem e hea t.

It was in the midd le o f a 48 de g ree Ce lsius hea tw ave . I was stuc k in the midd le o fan impo rtant evening c la ss. The fa n w a s on, but with 50 peo p le in the room wewe re b urning.

It ma de me grump y and irritate d . I c ould n't c onc entra te. My thoug hts be ga nd rifting bac k to p a st hurts and me mo ries, no ma tter wha t I tried to d o. As the



c la ss c ontinued my moo d go t wo rse a nd w orse. The he a t see me d to g et m oreand more unbea rab le.

Why wa s this so? I was resisting the hea t. I wante d to finish the c lass so I c ouldn 'tleave.

Then I tried just let ting myself b e ho t. There wa s no resista nc e to it.

I turned off my mind. I let myself stop thinking . I simp ly let myself fee l the hea t.

What d oes it fee l like? A w arm sensa tion on m y skin. My skin w as sticky. The a irseem ed he avy.

These sensa tions in the mselves we re no t b ad . They we re only bad bec a use Ima de them bad . No sensa tion in itself is goo d or ba d , it is on ly your mind tha tma kes it go od or ba d .

Why is b eing swea ty irrita ting? It w a s just a sensa tion, no d ifferent to the sensa tionof rolling a round in the softest silk sheets. Only our mind ma kes the a rtific ialdistinction.

Turn the m ind off. When it's off, it c a n no long er make a sto ry a round the he a t,and then wha t you a re feeling just bec om es a sensa tion. Without any resista nc eto it, it me ans no thing a ny mo re. In my med ita tion c la ss, a fter a w hile, the he a tac tually be c am e quite pleasant.

Go with the flow

Ca n you see how this might a pp ly to m any e vents that a re ha p pe ning in yourlife? Are yo u living in a house tha t you a re unha ppy with? Are yo u b eing stoo dup by your da te? Is som eo ne shouting a t you? By lett ing go o f inner resista nc e,you go w ith the flow , you roll with the punc h, a nd yo u take a wa y most of thepain.



Slee p ing in a sma ll house d oe sn’ t fee l tha t muc h d ifferent from slee p ing in ahuge ma nsion. Sitting a lone a t a c a fé w a iting fo r a d a te tha t neve r show s upfeels no d ifferent from sitting at a c afé alone b ec a use you wa nt to b e a lone.Som eo ne shouting a t you is no d ifferent from som eo ne w hispering swee t

nothings in your ea r. It might hurt your ego , it might hurt your pride, but who you a re , your essent ia l c ore b eing , is una ffec ted .

This p rinciple a ppea rs in ma jor philosop hies wo rld wide, a nd in the works of m a nygrea t thinkers. But m ost o f them just d on 't exp la in it. I don 't know why, pe rha ps itworks bette r if you figure it out fo r yourself.

"The w illow whic h be nd s to the tem pest, often esc a pes bett er tha n the oa k which resists it; and so in g rea t c a la mities, it som et imes ha p pens tha t light a nd frivolous sp irits rec over the ir elastic ity a nd p resenc e o f mind soo ner tha n tho se o f a loftier c ha rac ter." - Albert Sc hw eitzer

Imp ortant warning!

This philosop hy is no t enc oura g ing you to let yourself be ab used , or anything o fthe sort. I’m ta lking about inner resista nc e, which is d ifferent from outerresistance.

For exa mp le, if som eo ne is sla pp ing you a round , I’m no t rec om me nd ing youstand there and let the m d o it! Do som ething! Ca lling the p olic e is not innerresista nc e, it’ s no t wrong . Get o ut o f it!

But o nc e it is over, it is over. It d oesn't exist a ny more. Die to the pa st eve rymo me nt. He o r she is no longer ab using you; lea rn from your mista kes a nd neverlet it hap p en ag a in.

If you a re in a poo r financ ia l situa tion and you d on’ t like it, I’ m not saying tha tyou just be p oo r foreve r. If you like it, then more p ow er to you. But if you d on’ t



wa nt to b e p oo r, wo rk on ge tting out of p overty. Tha t is no t inner resista nc e; tha tis g rowing.

But wha t if you get a ng ry and upset, thinking about it ove r and aga in? Tha t isinne r resista nc e, a nd tha t is the c a use of unha pp iness.

When hot b e thoroughly hot, when c old b e thoroughly c old.



It might ruin your life o therwise: Managing Ang erSom e things c a n't b e und one .

Rem em ber the last time you lost c on trol of yo ur tem p er? The la st time you sa id ord id som ething you shouldn’ t have ?

What d id yo u lose? Trust, a business dea l, a friend , a lover?

Ang er is an em ot ion w e m ust a ll lea rn to d ea l w ith. I wish sc hoo l ta ug ht us howto, but it d id n’t.

What is Ang er?

Ang er is a p rotec tive mec ha nism. It is no t w rong or bad in itself. It serves you byletting yo u a nd othe rs know tha t your p ersona l bounda ries we re c rossed - thatsomething is wrong . The re is no thing wrong if expressed in a ma ture a nd a ssertivema nner. It is unhea lthy only when it goe s ou t of c on trol and turns into rag e.

For our purp oses, ang er c an b e sp lit into tw o b roa d c a teg ories: Ange r from thepast, and fresh a nger.

Past ang er is the p rotec tion dev ic e ha s gone w rong . It rem a ins from events weha ve no t fo rg iven. It means well – it is trying to p rotec t us from simila r even ts in

the future – but it's a c tua lly hurting us by keep ing the ang er alive in us.

It lies just benea th us rea dy to e xplod e o n anyone w ho t rigg ers it. Suc h bot tledem otion a lso hurts us - it c an lea d to c a nc er, hype rtension, and high b loo dp ressure, a mo ng others. It a lso wa rp s our ve ry p ersona lity o ver time – you c anbec om e c onsta ntly hostile or c ynica l. The very first sec tion in this b oo k dea ls with



it.

But w ha t if it fla shes on yo u a nd takes ove r before you know wha t you a redoing? And how do w e d ea l with the a c tua l situa tion? This is wha t we dea l withhere.

Rec og nising Anger

The first step to d ea l with it is rec ognising it. It’ s ea sy fo r inte nse a ng er. If you findyourself be ha ving in wa ys tha t a re strang e o r frighte ning, take step s. Don’ t b ea fra id to see k profe ssiona l help.

But even mild irrita tion a nd frustrat ion c ounts – tho se fe elings a re just low er on thesc a le. The mo me nt you feel c ha nges in yourself – no ma tte r how mild – rea lisethere is a p otent ial for worse.

Physica l symp toms to look ou t for inc lude inc rea sed hea rtb ea t, swe a ty pa lms,tenseness of the musc les (espec ially the c hest), wea kness, hea t a nd swea ting .Menta l sympto ms inc lude a b la nk mind, troub le c onc entrating, and c hang ed

spee c h (low er voice a nd shorter sente nc es).

Rec ognising Your Trigg ers

Ma ke a list o f your com mo n triggers. Everybod y ha s a unique set of w ha t p issesthem off. Know ing yours gives you a g rea t a d vantage in stop p ing yourself be foreyou a re overco me b y your em otions.

For examp le, som eo ne swe a ring a t you w ould likely piss you off. Most p eo p le w ill.But it d oe sn’ t a ffec t me . Swe a r wo rd s a nd ra ging d oe sn’t ge t to m e a t a ll. Butwha t makes me lose m y c oo l a re snide rem a rks a nd c oc kiness. Knowing thisma kes it e a sier for me to c a tc h m yself befo re I lose c on trol in a simila r situa tion.

What a re your trigg ers? They c ould b e external or inte rna l. A spec ific p erson



c ould m a ke you a ngry. An eve nt, like a tra ffic jam o r a c om puter virus, co uldtrigger you. Inte rna l even ts a re o ften o verloo ked – even thoug h your outsid ewo rld is c a lm, you c ould b roo d or worry ab out yo ur p ersona l prob lem s. Memo riesof p rev ious events c an a lso trigger you.

What yo u ha ve to rea lly wa tc h ou t for, is no t the slow ly rising a nger but thefla shes of ang ry tho ug ht – “HOW DARE HE!” - and so o n. These thoug hts c a nc om e in out of nowhe re.

The Childish Way to handle Anger

The instinc tive way to express ang er is to resp ond aggressively. It stems from

evolution – in our pa st, it a llow s us to fight a nd d efe nd ourselves if a tta c ked . Butnow ad ays there are a lot m ore limits and rep ercussions. Som e p eo p le d on’ tc a re; they g et verba lly or physic a lly abusive a nywa y.

Othe rs rea lise this a nd they end up rep ressing the ir ang er. Som et ime s they b ot tleit up and d ie from the inside. Som etimes they keep it long eno ugh to ta ke it outon som eo ne “ sa fe” . We c a n’ t show the b oss we ’ re a ngry a t her, so w e ta ke it outon our lover, our kid s, or som eo ne else who ha s no pow er ove r us. And so themisery sp rea ds.

The Way of the Ad ult

So wha t is the ma ture, hea lthy w ay to express a nger? Assertive ly a nd firmly, butwith tac t and respec t for a ll p a rties and involved . You d on’ t have to b e p ushy or

de ma nding but you don’t have to b e a d oorma t and g et wa lked all over.

Step One : Turn off your thoughts

In the “ how to b e a roc k” sec tion, I sugg ested turning off your thoughts.By doing so , you stop the c yc le. The rema ining em ot ions will ta ke a w hile to c oo l



off, in the same wa y the c oa ls of a fire rem a in ho t even a fter the fire is out.

Keep ing a c oo l hea d alone w ill me an the differenc e b etwe en c hildish andma ture rea c tions.

Step Two: Take time off if you need toIf the emo tions a re so strong tha t you ne ed mo re time to c oo l off, excuse yourselfpolitely a nd lea ve the roo m for a w hile. Chang ing the environm ent you a re inhelps.

Here’ s a tip from NLP (Neuro Linguistic Prog ra mm ing): Smile a nd look up a t the

sky or the c eiling . I hea rd it’s imp ossib le to b e a ng ry when your bod y is a rrang edlike tha t.

While un likely, the a nger might rema in insid e yo u or pop up in the future. Hold itand express it whe n you c a n b e a lone.

Step Three: Rec ognising Self Talk

Ang er often d isto rts your thoug hts a nd turns them ne ga tive. Lea rn to kee peverything in pe rspec tive. A situa tion o ften is not a s bad a s you think it is.

When your c a r ha s b roken d ow n and you’ re late fo r som ething impo rtant, yourd istorted self ta lk c ould b e “ Oh my God ! I’m d ea d ! She’ ll d ump me !”

But onc e you ha ve c oo led do wn by turning off the thoug hts, your thoug hts a ndself talk will c ha nge. Try to d irec t them tow a rd s figuring ou t a wa y to fix thingsand ma nag e the situation instea d of w hining ab out it.

It is during the b ig rag es tha t this step is imp orta nt. Knowing yo ur list o f triggers,p rep a re no w a list of p ositive self talk for ea c h of tho se. A g oo d wa y to remindyourself to stop your thoughts is to ha ve a p hra se “ Sta y c a lm, relax, brea the !”



Som e p eo p le rec om me nd “ rehe a rsing” . Ima gine tha t one of your trigge rs ishappening. Rehea rse yourself kee p ing c oo l in your mind. It d oe s help b ut b ec a reful that yo u d on’ t sta rt reliving old hurts a ga in – there is a pa rt o f you tha tenjoys misery and will enc ourag e you to .

Step Four: The past is dead – dea l with it

In the p revious p ost, I rec om me nded d ying to the pa st a t eve ry mo me nt. Themo me nt som ething ha ppens, it is in the pa st a nd doe sn’ t exist a ny mo re – exce p t in your me mo ry.

This ea ses your burd en. Let’ s use a sma ll and rec en t examp le. A few d a ys ago Iposted som e o f my a rticles on a soc ial bookmarking servic e. The first c om me nt Igo t a few sec ond s la ter was som eo ne d erid ing a ll persona l deve lop me ntma teria l as …well… hom osexua l.

It a ffec ted me for 10 sec ond s until I rea lised it doe sn’ t exist a ny more (unless I gobac k and rea d it aga in). Sec ond of a ll, it doe sn’ t me an anything . My eg o is hurt,but me – I a m una ffec ted . The e mo tions c hurned for a few m ore sec ond s, andthen disap pe a red .

I rea lise not a ll everything c a n b e fixed by ignoring it. In this c a se, if the ma n w asin front o f me and c ontinues to ha ssle m e, I will have to d o som ething a b out it.

Emotiona l Intelligenc e

The best w ay is to exp ress your fee lings. Do th is firmly a nd a ssertively and yet w ithrespec t a nd ta c t. Tell the m tha t this is making you ang ry. This is wha t thep rotec tion system is for - let them know tha t the y a re c rossing the line .

Mo st d isag ree me nts or situations c a n be w orked out . Eve ryone ha s wants andneed s, and will be rea sona ble if you c a n me et them with a c oo l hea d . But you

d l h j h i f h k f i Th l f



do m ee t p eo p le w ho e njoy hurting you for the sake of it. They g et p lea sure o ut ofyour p a in, eve n if they ge t no o ther b ene fit.

Dea l with them ind ivid ua lly – but keep your co ol. Also reme mb er that violenc ewill ha ve ma ny rep ercussions in the future – either revenge, or the p olic e w ill get

involved , or a simp le p unc h up c ould d eve lop into som ething involving knives.Sometimes it is bette r to just wa lk away.



ConclusionThus c onc ludes this litt le eBook.

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About the Author

Albe rt Foo ng went through yea rs of intense g row th a nd stud y a fter a series ofunfortuna te e vents in his ea rly twe nties awa kened him to how muc hunha pp iness he lived in, and how w ea k he wa s in a lmo st eve ry a rea of life. Heha d to lea rn sta rting from sc ra tc h in almost every area of life. It's bee n a long

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