twelve rational effectiveness training principles

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Twelve Rational Principles

Using the principles of Rational Eectiveness Training to achieve a satisfying

and productive life

By Wayne Froggatt

Consultant Director of the Centre for Rational Eotive Behaviour Therapy!

"ondon

Copyright #otice$ This docuent is copyright % to the author &'(()*+ ,ingle

copies &which include this notice* ay -e ade for therapeutic or training

purposes+ For perission to use it in any other way! please contact$ Wayne

Froggatt! ./0 ,unny-an1 Crescent! 2astings! #ew 3ealand+ &E4ail$

train5voyager+co+n6*+ Coents are welcoed+

The twelve principles outlined -elow are the heart of the -oo1 7ood,tress$

The life that can -e yours -y Wayne Froggatt &2arper Collins! 8uc1land!

'(()*+ They will help you achieve success at stress anageent in two ways+

First! they will help you counter the self4defeating -eliefs that create distress+

,econd! they will help you overcoe a nu-er of coon -loc1s to using

the practical strategies that are a standard part of stress anageent

training+

Contents 4 the '. Principles$

,elf49nowledge

,elf48cceptance and Con:dence

Enlightened ,elf4;nterest

Tolerance for Frustration and Discofort

"ong4Range En<oyent

Ris14Ta1ing

=oderation

Eotional and Behavioural Responsi-ility

,elf4Direction and Coitent



Fle>i-ility

?-<ective Thin1ing

8cceptance of Reality

'+ ,elf41nowledge

,elf41nowledge appears as the :rst principle! -ecause ost of the others

-uild on it+ ;t involves 1nowing your capa-ilities and your liits! your personal

teperaent and typical coping style! and your values and goals+

8spects of self41nowledge

8re you what 2ans ,elye calls a racehorse! or are you a turtle@+ Racehorsesthrive on stress and are only happy with a vigorous! fast4paced lifestyle+

Turtles reAuire peace! Auiet! and a generally tranAuil environent+ These are

of course e>trees 4 people are usually soewhere in -etween+

What are your values! what atters to you@ Though any aspects will -e

shared with others in your social group! every person has a uniAue syste of

values and goals+

Everyone has certain a-ilities 4 and liits+ Do you recognise your a-ilities anda1e the ost of the@ Do you also ac1nowledge your liits and 1now when

to stop@

Why 1nowing yourself is iportant to stress anageent

ou ay feel coforta-le with soe of your characteristics! less happy with

others+ ;n either case! to eectively anage stress you need to -e aware of

your own optiu stress level and coping style! as well as the goals and

values that guide your reactions+

Everyone has their own teperaent! style of anaging stress! and value

syste+ ou need to develop strategies relevant to your personal style and

copati-le with your personal values! otherwise you are not li1ely to use

the+



Developing self41nowledge

2ow can you -ecoe ore aware of your coping style and optiu stress

level@ 2ere are soe suggestions+

;dentify your typical stress triggers+ What situations do you typically react to@

9eep a log for a few wee1s+

ou are the -est intuitive <udge of your optiu stress level+ ?-serve what

your -ody is doing 4 note your typical stress signs+

?-serve how you typically cope with pro-les+ What wor1s for you@ What do

you tend to do that is unhelpful@

There are soe strategies to help you identify your values and goals in

Chapter #ine of 7ood,tress+ Use these to chec1 out your preferences! values

and standards+ 8re they realistic and appropriate@ 2ave you thought the

through for yourself@

Copleting rational self4analyses will help you identify the underlying values

that guide your reactions to speci:c events and circustances+

Further reading

8s-ell! Bernard+ What They 9now 8-out ou+ Rando 2ouse! #ew or1! '(('+

=cCutcheon! =arc+ The Copass in our #ose and ?ther 8stonishing Facts

8-out 2uans+ ,chwart6 and Wil1inson! =el-ourne! '((+

.+ ,elf4acceptance and con:dence

,elf4acceptance and con:dence are closely related concepts+ ?ne -uilds on

the other+ Being a-le to accept yourself as you are! free of any deand that

you -e dierent! provides the -asis for con:dence in your a-ilities+

Con:dence! in turn! will ena-le you to ta1e ris1s! try new things! and direct

your own life+



8ccepting yourself

To accept yourself is to ac1nowledge three things$ &'* you e>ist! &.* there is

no reason why you should -e any dierent fro how you are! and &* you are

neither worthy nor unworthy+

8c1nowledgent that you e>ist is pro-a-ly straightforward+ ;t is the other two

parts that ost people :nd hard to grasp+

,elf4acceptance involves re<ection of any deand that you -e dierent+ ou

ay sensi-ly prefer to -e dierent+ ou ay decide it is in your interests to

change soe things+ But 1eep the desire to change as a preference+ ;nstead

of -elieving that you have to change! see change as a choice+

Do not attept to easure your selfor set soe 1ind of valueon yourself+

,elf4acceptance is radically dierent to self4estee+ ,elf4estee is -ased on

the idea that you are a goodor worthwhileperson+ Worthwhileness reAuires

soe criteria! li1e how well you perfor! or the idea that you are worthwhile

siply -ecause you e>ist+ ,elf4acceptance! on the other hand! is -ased on the

idea that you dont have to -e goodor worthwhile+ ;n fact! there is no need to

evaluate yourself at all ;nstead of evaluating your self! you use your energy

and tie to evaluate &'* your -ehaviour! and &.* the Auality of your

e>istence+

Evaluating your -ehaviour is a good idea+ ou can chec1 whether it helps you

en<oy your life and achieve your goals+ ;t is also a good idea to evaluate the

Auality of your e>istence+ our en<oyent of life is surely iportant 4 ore

iportant than worrying a-out whether you are a worthwhileperson+

2aving con:dence in your a-ilities

,elf41nowledge and self4acceptance are preconditions for con:dence+ To have

con:dence in your a-ilities involves three things+ First! you 1now what you

can and cant do+ ,econd! you are prepared to try things to the liit of your

a-ility+ 8nd third! you regularly wor1 at e>tending your capa-ilities+

2aving con:dence in your a-ilities is dierent to having con:dence in your

self+ ,elf4con:dence iplies perfection 4 that you! as a total person! are a-le



to do everything well+ This is unrealistic and grandiose+

2aving con:dence in your a-ilities is ore realistic+ ;nstead of tal1ing a-out

self4con:dence! follow the advice of Paul 2auc1 and tal1 a-out social

con:dence! wor1 con:dence! driving con:dence! house4care con:dence!

e>aination con:dence! relationship con:dence! and so on+ ;n other words!

develop con:dence in speci:c a-ilities rather than in your total self+

;n practice! a-ility4con:dence would involve -ehaviours li1e the following$

Doing things without deanding you succeed! and viewing ista1es as

opportunities for learning+ Con:dence grows out of the attept! the doing!

rather than fro the result+

Evaluating your actions and perforances in ters of how they help you

reach your goals 4 not what they prove a-out you as a person+

Ta1ing calculated ris1s with iportant activities such as choosing a career!

changing <o-s! or starting a new relationship+

Persevering 4 not giving up when you do less well than you want re<ecting

any -elief that everything should coe easy and accepting that any goodthings involve overcoing o-stacles! set-ac1s! and persisting over a period

of tie+

"earning fro your e>periences 4 trying soething! analysing your

e>perience! seeing where you went wrong and wor1ing out what you can do

to iprove your a-ilities+

Why these are iportant to stress anageent

;f you are prone to rating your total self! you ay want to avoid loo1ing

closely at your actions -ecause to do so ay lead to self4downing+

Parado>ically! self4acceptance is ore li1ely than self4evaluation to lead to

constructive change+ Con:dence in your a-ilities will free you to ta1e ris1s!

try new e>periences and learn new lessons+

;f you can accept yourself with your uniAue characteristics and preferences!

you will -e less li1ely to live your life to suit other people+



8s =artin ,eligan has pointed out! there are liits to how uch we can

change ourselves+ 2uan -eings are not perfecti-le+ ;f you can accept

iperfection in yourself! you are less li1ely to engage in dangerous -ehaviour

striving for the unattaina-le+

Developing self4acceptance and con:dence

,elf4acceptance as an alternative to self4evaluation is not an easy concept to

grasp+ The tendency to self4evaluation sees to -e -uilt in to huan -eings!

and the self4estee concept is pervasive in our thin1ing and culture+

Thin1 through the philosophy of self4acceptance+ Read a-out it+ Write down

your thoughts on it+ Tal1 a-out it with others &any people will argue against

the concept! which will give you the opportunity to hone your thin1ing*+

Finally! and ost iportant! -ehave li1e a self4accepting and con:dent

person+ 8s far as possi-le! practice living in accordance with your

preferences! values and standards+ ,ay what you -elieve! -e open and

honest as to who you are &-ut do this appropriately with people signi:cant to

you! and ta1e into account their preferences and feelings*+ Treat yourself to

things you used to thin1 you did not deserve+ Try things you used to -e afraid

to do 4 without any deand that you succeed+

Further reading

2auc1! P+8+ ?vercoing the Rating 7ae$ Beyond self4love 4 -eyond self4

estee+ WestinsterGHohn 9no>! "ouisville! 9! '((.+

Dalryple! Theodore+ "etting the ,tea out of ,elf4Estee+ Psychology

Today! .$0! .I4.J! '((0+

+ Enlightened self4interest

The a-ility to act in your own interests follows on fro self4acceptance and

con:dence+ 8s we shall see! it is also iportant to ta1e into account the

interests of others+ The principle of enlightened self4interest ta1es into

account -oth parts$



ou place your own interests :rst+

ou 1eep in ind that your own interests will -e -est served if you ta1e into

account the interests of others+

2uan -eings are fundaentally self4interested

#otwithstanding any precepts that say we should-e otherwise! huan -eings

appear to -e intrinsically concerned :rst with their own welfare+

2ans ,elye has argued that the desire to aintain oneself and stay happy is

the ost ancient 4 and one of the ost iportant 4 ipulses that otivates

living -eings+ 8ll living -eings protect their own interests :rst of all+ ,elye

points out that this -egins with our -asic -iological a1e4up! in that thevarious cells in our -odies only cooperate with each other to ensure their own

survival+

2uan -eings are also otivated -y social interest

,elye has pointed out! though! that we are also strongly otivated -y

altruistic feelings+ 8s well as self4interest! we also possess social interest 4 the

wish to ensure that the social syste as a whole survives and develops+

2ow is that two apparently contradictory tendencies can co4e>ist@ Theanswer is that we help others in order to help ourselves+ ;n other words! our

self4interest is enlightened+

;t appears that li1e self4interest! social interest is also inherent within huan

-eings 4 -oth have -iological roots+ Colla-oration -etween -ody cells

prootes the survival of each individual cell and ena-les the total organis

to function+

;n eect! individual interests are -est served -y utual cooperation+

8ccordingly! self4interest without social interest is isguided+ ,o is social

interest without self4interest+ 8lways putting others :rst leads to resentent

or a artyr attitude+ People who -elieve they are acting purely in the

interests of others are dangerous+ By denying &to theselves* that their own

self4interest is involved! such people ay <ustify all types of anipulative and



controlling -ehaviour toward others+

ou are -oth self4interested and socially4interested+ This dual tendency is -uilt

in to your very -eing and -egins with your -asic -iology+ By accepting this

a-out yourself! you will -e a-le to do a -etter <o- of acting in your own

interests 4 in an enlightened anner+

What is it to -e enlightened@

The word enlightenedhas several related eanings+ ;t is huanitarian 4

charita-le! li-eral! and idealistic and at the sae tie utilitarian 4 useful!

-ene:cial! and practical+

Can you see how erging an enlightened attitude with innate self4interestcan apply at all levels 4 to yourself! to your faily! to your town or city! to

your country! and to the world as a whole@ Consider the eect on this planet

if every person ac1nowledged their self4interest and then practiced it in an

enlightened anner+ What if every country -ased its e>ternal and foreign

policies on the huanitarian and practical principle of enlightened self4

interest@

Why enlightened self4interest is iportant to stress anageent

;f huan -eings did not have an inherent will to protect theselves and

further their own interests! they would not survive+ ;f you dont attend to your

own interests! who will@ 9nowing what is in your interests will help you get

what is -est for you and avoid what is harful+ ;t will 1eep you oving toward

your goals 4 and ensure that your goals are the right ones for you+

But you had -etter siultaneously ta1e into account the interests of others+

7etting people to have positive feelings toward you is a good idea+ They will

-e ore li1ely to treat you well and less li1ely to har you+ Contri-uting to

their welfare will encourage the to contri-ute to yours+ 8nd contri-uting to

the developent and survival of the society in which you live will ean a

-etter environent in which to pursue your interests+

;f you ac1nowledge that self4interest is inherent in your nature! you will feel

less guilty a-out loo1ing after yourself+ ;f you ac1nowledge that altruistic

-ehaviour is in your interests! you will -e ore li1ely to cooperate with

others+ ;f you do -oth! everyone gains+



Developing enlightened self4interest

Begin -y practicing enlightened -ehaviours+ 2ere are soe ideas to get you

started now$

7o out of your way to show positive feelings towards others 4 gratitude!

respect! trust 4 which in turn will arouse goodwill fro the+

Choose soe new activities in various life areas 4 wor1! faily! leisure 4 that

will -ring goodwill+

8t the sae tie! act assertively+ 8s1 for what you want! say #oto what you

dont! and tell others &when appropriate* what you thin1 and how you feel+

=a1e a point of doing soething <ust for yourself each day for a while+

Until enlightened self4interest -ecoes part of you! consciously see1 to get

ore of what you want while facilitating the interests of the other people in

your world+

Further reading

,elye! 2ans+ ,tress Without Distress+ 2odder and ,toughton! "ondon! '()I+

I+ tolerance for frustration and discofort

The a-ility to tolerate frustration and discofort is central to stress

anageent+ 2igh tolerance will 1eep you fro overreacting to things you

disli1e+ ;t will help you tac1le pro-les and issues rather than avoid the+ ;t

will ena-le you to ta1e ris1s and try new e>periences+

What is high tolerance@

8s we shown in Chapter Four of 7ood,tress! low tolerance for frustration and

discofort is a 1ey cause of unnecessary distress+ ;t arises fro -eliefs li1e$

"ife should not -e hard! it is awful and ; cant stand it when it is hard so ;ust avoid pain! diKculties and frustrations+

2igh tolerance! on the other hand! eans accepting the reality of frustration

and discofort! and 1eeping their -adness in perspective+



To accept frustration and discofort is to ac1nowledge that! while you ay

disli1e the! they are realities+ They e>ist! and there is no "aw of the

Universe says they shouldnot e>ist &though you ay prefer they not*+ ou

e>pect to e>perience appropriate negative eotions li1e concern! reorse!

regret! sadness! annoyance! and disappointent+ But you avoid e>aggerating

these eotions &-y telling yourself you cant stand the* into an>iety! guilt!shae! depression! hostile anger! hurt! or self4pity+

To 1eep frustration and discofort in perspective is to regard the as

unpleasant rather than awful+ ou disli1e re<ection! pain! -ad health! :nancial

insecurity and other unwanted circustances 4 -ut you -elieve that you can

cope with the discofort when they happen to you+

Why is high tolerance iportant to stress anageent@

"ow tolerance creates distress -y causing you to overreact to discofort+ ;t

ay lead to secondary pro-les &having a pro-le a-out having a pro-le*

where you react to your own syptos and end up with additional

syptos+ ou ight for e>aple! get angry and then feel guilty! or -ecoe

depressed -ecause you feel an>ious+ "ow tolerance also gets in the way of

using stress anageent strategies li1e changing your diet! e>ercising!

anaging your tie or acting assertively+

2igh tolerance! on the other hand! will help you in any ways+ ou will -e$

"ess li1ely to create secondary pro-les -y overreacting to unwanted events

and circustances+

=ore willing to e>perience present discofort to achieve long4ter goals and

en<oyent+

Prepared to ta1e reasona-le ris1s+

=ore a-le to assert yourself appropriately with other people+

"ess li1ely to put o diKcult tas1s and issues! including personal change+

2ow to raise your tolerance for discofort and frustration

9now when you are engaging in low4tolerance -ehaviour designed to avoid

discofort or frustration+ 9eep a log of such -ehaviour for several wee1s or



longer+ Watch for things li1e$

avoiding uncoforta-le situations

overusing drugs or alcohol

copulsive ga-ling! shopping! e>ercising! or -ingeing on food

losing your teper

putting o diKcult tas1s+

The techniAue of e>posure is the -est way to increase your tolerance+ =a1e a

list of things you typically avoid 4 situations! events! thoughts! ris1s and so

on+ Coit yourself to face at least one of these each day+ 8ctively confront

discofort -y going into uncoforta-le situations+ ;nstead of trying to get

away fro the frustration or discofort as you norally would! stay with the

discofort until it diinishes of its own accord+

ou can prepare yourself to cope with the discofort -y using rational self4

analysis! iagery! and the -low4up techniAue+ 8fterwards! do a catastrophe

scale to get your reaction to the discofort into perspective+ &These

techniAues are descri-ed in 7ood,tress and in any other REBT -oo1s*+

Further reading

Dryden! Windy and 7ordon! Hac1+ Beating the Cofort Trap+ ,heldon Press!

"ondon! '((+

2auc1! Paul+ ?vercoing Frustration and 8nger+ The Westinster Press!Philadelphia! '()I+

0+ "ong4range en<oyent

"i1e ost people! you pro-a-ly want to en<oy life+ 8s well as avoid distress!

you want to e>perience pleasure+ 8nd you pro-a-ly want to get your pleasure

now! not toorrow+ 8s 8lice said in Through the "oo1ing 7lass$ ;t ust coe

soeties to <a today+ But there are ties when it is in our interests to

forgo iediate pleasure 4 in order to have greater en<oyent in the longerter+

What is long4range en<oyent@

There are two parts to this principle+ ou see1 to get en<oyent fro each of

your present oents! rather than always putting o pleasure till toorrow!



or dwelling on things that have happened in the past+

2owever! to 1eep on en<oying your present oents you will soeties

choose to postpone pleasure+ ou ay wish to drin1 ore alcohol 4 -ut you

restrict your inta1e now so your -ody will still let you drin1 in ten years tie+

?r you wish to -uy a new stereo! -ut instead you save the oney for an

overseas trip+ This is the long4terpart+

The principle can -e sued up as follows$ live for the present with an eye

to the future+ ;n other words! see1 to get as uch pleasure and en<oyent as

you can in the present 4 while ta1ing into account the desira-ility of en<oying

your life in the long ter+

The concept is not new

The underlying thin1ing -ehind long4range en<oyent has -een around for a

long tie+ The 7ree1 philosopher Epicurus &I'.)/ BC* proposed the idea

that pleasure is the supree good and ain goal of life 4 and that only

through self4restraint and oderation can people achieve true happiness+

Hohn ,tuart =ill! British philosopher and econoist! argued that an act is right

if it -rings pleasure! and wrong if it -rings pain+ But he introduced the caveat

that the ultiate value is the good of society! and the guiding principle ofindividual conduct is the welfare of the greatest nu-er of people+

Developing long4range en<oyent

"earn to calculate gains and losses+ Weigh the short4ter pleasura-le eects

of an action against its possi-le longer4ter negative eects+ =a1e sure that

iediate gain doesnLt set you up for future pain 4 as with overindulgence in

alcohol+ ;f in dou-t! do a -ene:ts calculation+

Weigh short4ter discofort and frustration against the prospect of greater

and ore enduring cofort in the long ter+ To start e>ercising will -e ore

uncoforta-le than watching television 4 -ut later you will not only feel the

health -ene:ts! you will even -egin to en<oy the e>ercise itself+



The strategy of parado>ical -ehaviour will help you put the philosophical

change into action+ Practice deli-erately postponing grati:cation in order to

increase your tolerance for frustration+ "ist a few things you could go without

and earar1 the oney you save for soething you would really li1e+ Reduce

your inta1e of alcohol! caeine or fatty foods! and reward yourself with an

occasional special treat you would otherwise see as an indulgence+ Becreative 4 what other ideas for practicing long4range en<oyent can you coe

up with@

By now you will pro-a-ly see that any of the twelve principles are

interdependent+ To delay grati:cation involves tolerating frustration+ ,ensi-le

long4range en<oyent involves enlightened self4interest and oderation+

To su up

;f you always postponed your en<oyent till toorrow! you would never en<oy

yourself+ But! if you always lived <ust for the present oent! your happiness

and stress anageent in the future would eventually -e coproised+ "ive

your life with the goal of getting as uch en<oyent as possi-le -oth now

and in the future+

Further reading

Dryden! Windy and 7ordon! Hac1+ Beating the Cofort Trap+ ,heldon Press!

"ondon! '((+

J+ Ris14ta1ing

2uan -eings! -y nature! see1 safety! predicta-ility! and freedo fro fear+

But huans also pursue ris1+ 8 totally secure life would -e a -oring one+ To

grow as a person and iprove your Auality of life eans -eing prepared to

ta1e soe chances+

The principle

What we are tal1ing a-out is a willingness to ta1e sensi-le ris1s in order to

get ore out of life and avoid the distress of -oredo! listlessness and

dissatisfaction+ 2ere are soe iportant areas of ris14ta1ing that relate to



stress anageent$

"earning new things which ay challenge e>isting -eliefs+

Tac1ling tas1s which have no guarantee of success+

Trying new relationships+

Doing things that ris1 the disapproval of other people+

2ow is ris14ta1ing relevant to stress anageent@

Ris14ta1ing is necessary for self41nowledge+ To discover your liits! you need

to ta1e soe ris1s and try yourself out+ ou can open up fresh opportunities

to increase pleasure and avoid -oredo+

Pro-le4solving eans ris1ing solutions that ay -ac1:re+ To act assertively

is to ris1 disapproval or re<ection+ =aintaining a support syste involves

trusting and opening up to other people+

Finally! e>perienting with dierent activities to discover what you li1e and

disli1e will increase your self41nowledge and help you clarify your goals and

values+

;ncreasing your willingness to ta1e ris1s

E>posure is a 1ey techniAue for practicing ris14ta1ing+ Develop a list of things

you would li1e to try! such as$

8s1ing soeone for soething 4 li1e a date or favour 4 where there is a

chance of re<ection+

Doing soething where there is a chance others will disapprove 4 for

e>aple! spea1ing up and telling a group of people what you thin1+

Trying soething where there is no guarantee of success+

Put one ite a day into practice+ 8s you do so! reind yourself that the

discofort involved is not intolera-le! and that staying with it will gradually

increase your tolerance+

The -ene:ts calculation can help you a1e rational decisions a-out the



usefulness of ris1s you are considering+

ou can prepare yourself for ta1ing ris1s and cope with the discofort

involved using rational self4analysis! coping rehearsal! the -low4up techniAue!

and role4playing+

Further reading

Ro-erts! Paul+ Ris1+ Psychology Today! #ovGDec! .)$J! 0/4I! '((I+

)+ =oderation

,ensi-le ris14ta1ing recognises the innate huan desire for safety and

security+ The principle of oderation will help you avoid e>trees in thin1ing!

feeling! and -ehaving+

Why oderation is iportant to stress anageent

E>tree e>pectations 4 too high or too low! will set you up for either constant

failure or a life of -oredo+

8ddictive or o-sessional -ehaviour can ta1e control of you! creating new

distress+ Unrestrained eating! drin1ing or e>ercising will stress your -ody and

lead to long ter health coplications+

?-sessive ha-its in areas as diverse as your wor1 or your se>ual -ehaviour

can daage relationships as well as stress your -ody+

The principle of oderation

Ta1ing a oderate approach to your life starts with your ultiate goals and

ranges through to your daily activities+

ou need to develop long4ter goals! short4ter o-<ectives! and tas1s that

will challenge and ove you on+ But it is eAually iportant they are

potentially achieva-le and do not set you up for failure and disillusionent+

;f your goal! for e>aple! is to aintain your weight at a certain level! ensure



you set that level appropriate for your age and other personal factors+ 8void

any tas1s and activities that are e>tree 4 li1e a diet that provides assive

weight loss in a short tie+ ?therwise! not only will you daage your health!

-ut eventually the weight is li1ely to go -ac1 on &pro-a-ly worse than it was

-efore*! leaving you with a feeling of hopelessness+ The -est way to 1eep to

an appropriate weight without stressing the -ody is not to go on a radicaldiet! -ut rather to oderate eating and drin1ing in the long4ter+

This applies in ost areas of life+ Throw yourself into your wor1! play! e>ercise

and se>ual life 4 -ut avoid the stress of over4involveent+ =oderate! too! your

self4help wor1 4 coit yourself to personal change! -ut without

o-sessiveness+

#ote that oderation does not e>clude ris14ta1ing+ ;n fact! oderation will

help you avoid ta1ing security too far+ But you can ta1e ris1s without -eing

foolhardy+

Developing a oderate approach to life

;dentify any areas of your life where you tend to -ehave e>cessively 4 eating!

e>ercising! se>ual activity! using your coputer! and so on+ #ote when you

are deanding full satisfaction of your urges! or catastrophising a-out the

frustration involved in restraint+ 9eeping a log will help you do this+

Use the strategies of e>posure and parado>ical -ehaviour to get into action+

,et up a list of tas1s! sorted according to diKculty! which will give you

practice in -ehaving oderately+ ;n advance! set liits in each of these areas!

and coit yourself to 1eeping within those liits+

2andle your frustration using rational self4analysis+ The -ene:ts calculation

will help you decide what areas of your life you are -est to oderate+ Finally!

if you are una-le to change -ehaviour which has -ecoe addictive! see1

professional help+

Further reading



9ishline! 8udrey+ 8 Toast to =oderation+ Psychology Today! .($'! 040J!

&HanGFe-*! '((J+

Bir1edahl! #onie+ The 2a-it Control Wor1-oo1+ #ew 2ar-inger Pu-lications!

?a1land! C8! '((/+

+ Eotional and -ehavioural responsi-ility

8s we saw in Part ?ne! people who see their eotions and -ehaviours as

under their control are less prone to distress than people who see theselves

as controlled -y e>ternal forces+ The principle of responsi-ility can help you

ta1e charge of your eotions! your actions! and in turn your life+ ;t involves

ta1ing responsi-ility for &'* what you feel! and &.* how you act+

To -e eotionally responsi-le is to -elieve that you create your own feelings

in reaction to what life throws at you+ ou avoid -laing other people 4 your

parents! partner! -oss! or anyone else 4 for how you feel+

Behavioural responsi-ility eans accepting that you cause your own actions

and -ehaviours! and are not copelled to -ehave in any particular way+

The inner4controlled person

8n inner4controlled person can -e identi:ed -y characteristics li1e the

following$

Uses language 4 ; thin1 that or ; would li1e you to rather than Everyone 1nows

that or ou should+

Tends to -e assertive when relating to other people! rather than passive or

aggressive+

7ets on with life now 4 rather than dwelling in the past or dreaing a-out the

future -ut doing nothing+

Ta1es set-ac1s in their stride 4 rather than catastrophising or -eoaning fate+

2as a pro-le4solving approach 4 when things go wrong! loo1s for possi-le

solutions+

Does not -elieve in luc14 -elieves that action and the application of s1ill is



what a1es things happen! rather than luc1 or fate+

"iits to eotional and -ehavioural responsi-ility

While your eotions are ainly caused -y what you -elieve! there are soee>ceptions+ Biocheical changes! for e>aple! can lead to eotional

changes+ &2ow you react to -iocheical changes! though! will still depend on

how you view what is happening in your -ody*+

While you can! largely! control your thoughts! it is unli1ely that anyone could

do so perfectly+ E>pecting Mawlessness will only lead to discourageent and

self4downing+

While you are largely responsi-le for the conseAuences of your actions! soeoutcoes will -e outside your control+ ;f! for e>aple! you say #oto a

reAuest! the other person ay -e disappointed 4 an appropriate reaction+ ou

would -e soewhat responsi-le! in that your #owas the trigger+ But what if

they -ecae clinically depressed 4 an inappropriate over4reaction@ That

would -e their responsi-ility! not yours+ ou have no control over whether

people choose to view your actions in ways that are rational or self4defeating+

Finally! an iportant point+ Dont fall into the trap of -laing yourself -ecause

you are responsi-le for what you feel and do+ Blae and responsi-ility are notthe sae thing+ Blaeis oralistic+ ;t see1s not only to identify who ay -e

the cause of a pro-le! -ut also to dan and conden the+

Responsi-ility! on the other hand! is practical+ ;t see1s either to identify a

cause so it can -e dealt with or to identify who needs to ta1e action for the

pro-le to get solved 4 irrespective of who or what causedit+ Responsi-ility is

concerned not with oralising! -ut with :nding solutions+

Why responsi-ility is iportant to stress anageent

,u6anne 9o-asa has conducted research on! as she calls the! hardypeople 4

people who thrive on stress rather than -ecoe sic1+ 8 1ey characteristic of

such people is their -elief that they are in control of their lives+ 2ardy people

generally have -etter physical and ental health 4 they are less aected -y

the ageing process! recover faster fro edical episodes such as a heart



attac1 or surgery! and are less li1ely to suer fro depression and an>iety+

;f you ta1e responsi-ility for your feelings and -ehaviours! you will avoid

a1ing yourself a victi or over4reacting to what other people say or do+ ou

will -e a-le to change your own feelings even though the world does not

change to suit you+ Finally! you will have con:dence in your a-ility to handle

your feelings! whatever happens 4 freeing you to ta1e ris1s and try new

e>periences+

Developing responsi-ility

Use rational self4analysis to identify and dispute any irresponsi-le thin1ing+

=a1e a list of things you do that show irresponsi-ility 4 unassertiveness!dwelling in the past! catastrophising! drifting with pro-les hoping soething

will coe along+ Use the techniAue of parado>ical -ehaviour to act dierently

in these areas! ta1ing responsi-ility for how you feel and -ehave+

Further reading

Bernard! =ichael E+ ,taying Rational ;n 8n ;rrational World$ 8l-ert Ellis and

Rational4Eotive Therapy+ "yle ,tuart! #! '(J+

Ellis! 8l-ert+ 2ow To ,tu--ornly Refuse To =a1e ourself =isera-le 8-out8nything+ "yle ,tuart! ,ecaucus! #ew Hersey! '(+

(+ ,elf4direction and coitent

Eotional and -ehavioural responsi-ility lay the -asis for ta1ing control over

your life and coitting yourself to action and involveent+

,elf4direction

Ta1ing responsi-ility for the direction of your life involves$

Choosing your goals! a1ing sure they are your own+

8ctively pursuing your goals! rather than waiting and dreaing+



=a1ing your own decisions! even though you ay see1 opinions fro others+

Choosing to wor1 at anaging stress! developing your potential! and

changing things you disli1e! rather than <ust drifting along or e>pecting a

iracle to occur+

#ot condening any person &including yourself* when things go wrong in

your life! even though you or soeone else ay -e responsi-le -ut rather

identifying any causes and loo1ing for solutions+

,elf4direction does not ean open opposition and non4cooperation with

others+ ou can 1eep your self4direction on the right trac1 -y -alancing it with

other principles such as enlightened self4interest! long4range en<oyent!

oderation! and Me>i-ility+

There are several prereAuisites for self4direction+ First! you need to see what

happens to you as inMuenced &though not totally controlled* -y what you do+

8s we saw earlier! inner4controlled people tend to -e assertive! get on with

life! and do not see theselves as victis+ ,econd! to direct your own life you

need to 1now what you want to do with it+ 2ave you clari:ed your goals and

values@ Chapter #ine will show you how to do this+

Coitent

Coitent follows on fro self4direction+ There are two eleents$

Perseverance+ The a-ility to -ind yourself eotionally and intellectually to

courses of action+ This involves a willingness to do the necessary wor1 &and

tolerate the discofort involved* in personal change and goal4achieveent+

Deep involveent+ The a-ility to en<oy and -ecoe a-sor-ed in &-ut not

addicted to* other people! activities and interests as ends in theselves 4

where you get pleasure fro the doing! irrespective of the :nal result+ This

ay include such areas as wor1! sports! ho--ies! creative activities! and the

world of ideas+

"iits to self4direction and coitent

,oe of what happens to you will -e out of your control! and this will place

liits on how uch you can inMuence the+ Ree-er! though! that how

you react is your responsi-ility+

Further! while self4direction iplies independence! it recognises soe liits in

the interests of utual support and cooperation with others+



;f carried too far! coitent can -ecoe o-session+ Dont get so involved

with one or a few things that other areas of your life suer+ 8void! for

e>aple! allowing wor1 to stop you fro any recreational activity! or

recreation to leave no tie for relationships+

Why self4direction and coitent are iportant to stress anageent

8voiding decisions or action creates tension and leaves pro-les unsolved+

8ction and persistence are needed to -rea1 unwanted patterns of -ehaviour

and achieve personal change+ 8 life of super:cial involveents would lead to

-oredo and dissatisfaction+

Coitent is reAuired for con:dence to develop+ ou dont! for e>aple!

develop con:dence in playing a usical instruent unless you coit

yourself to practicing with it+

,elf4direction can aect your health+ ,alvatore =addi! fro the University of

Chicago! ran courses for en and woen in anageent aied at

increasing their sense of control+ These led to lower an>iety! depression!

o-sessiveness! headaches! insonia! and -lood pressure! as well as ore <o-

satisfaction 4 results which lasted well -eyond the end of the courses+

8iing for your own goals rather than having others direct your life will aecthow you ipleent any of the strategies in Part Three of 7ood ,tress+ ;t will

deterine how you anage your tie+ ;t will help you assert yourself+ ou will

also aintain ore stiulation and variety in your life -y doing the things

you want+

Developing self4direction and coitent

=a1e a list of things you do that indicate lac1 of self4direction+ Watch for

-ehaviours li1e as1ing for perission! avoidance due to fear of disapproval!

unnecessarily see1ing other peoples opinions! and the li1e+ ,elect one ite

each wee1 and deli-erately act dierently! in line with what you would rather

-e doing+

Use rational self4analysis and iagery to cope with the discofort involved+



=a1e a decision now to develop one new interest in your life in which you will

get a-sor-ed+ Coit yourself to ta1ing soe steps toward it over the ne>t

wee1 or so+

Further reading

Ellis! 8l-ert and "ange! 8rthur+ 2ow to 9eep People Fro Pushing our

Buttons+ Citadel Press! #ew or1! '((I+

2auc1! Paul+ 2ow To Do What ou Want To Do+ ,heldon Press! "ondon! '()J+

'/+ Fle>i-ility

Fle>i-le people can -end with the stor rather than -e -ro1en -y it+ They

1now how to adapt and ad<ust to new circustances that call for new ways of

thin1ing and -ehaving+ They have resilience 4 the a-ility to -ounce -ac1 fro

adversity+

The principle of Me>i-ility

To -e Me>i-le is to -e open to change in yourself and in the world+ 8s

circustances alter! you are a-le to odify your plans and -ehaviours+ ouare a-le to adopt new ways of thin1ing that help you cope with a changing

world+ ou are a-le to let others hold their own -eliefs and do things in ways

appropriate to the 4 while you do what is right for you+

Fle>i-ility in thin1ing eans$

our values are preferences rather than rigid! unvarying rules+

ou are open to changing ways of thin1ing in the light of new inforation and

evidence+

ou view change as a challenge rather than a threat+

Fle>i-ility in -ehaviour eans$

ou are a-le to change direction when it is in your interests+

ou are willing to try new ways of dealing with pro-les and frustrations+



ou can let others do things their way+

ou avoid distressing yourself when others thin1 or act in ways you disli1e+

Why Me>i-ility is iportant to stress anageent

Fle>i-ility aids survival in a changing world+ The world! as it always has!continues to change 4 -ut the pace of change is increasing+ ;f there is not a

corresponding change in attitudes there will -e distress+ We see this in the

so4called generation gap+ Parents who are inMe>i-le :nd it harder to cope

when their children -ehave in ways unthin1a-le in their generation+ We can

cope -etter when we see change as a challenge rather than a threat+ 8s

,u6anne 9u-osa has found! this attitude is one of the characteristics of

hardiness+

Fle>i-ility leads to -etter pro-le4solving+ 8s Roger Non ?ech states! thereare ties we need to step outside what we 1now or usually do and loo1 at a

pro-le fro new angles in order to :nd new solutions+ Even negative events

4 li1e -eing ade redundant 4 can create opportunities to step outside+

Fle>i-ility will a1e it easier to change your goals to suit new circustances+

7etting older or sustaining a disa-ility! for e>aple! usually reAuires one to

adapt to signi:cant lifestyle changes+

Fle>i-ility will help you -rea1 out of -oring routines and aintain stiulation

and variety in your life+ ;t will also help you anage your tie -etter! -y

ena-ling you to change your plans to suit changing situations+

Developing Me>i-ility

Use rational self4analysis to identify and change inMe>i-le thin1ing+ Watch

especially for any deanding shouldsand usts+

E>pose yourself to new ways of loo1ing at things+ Read -oo1s that adopt

positions other than yours! tal1 to people with diering views! watch ovies

you would norally not -other with+

Practice Me>i-ility -y rearranging your oKce or hoe furniture! hanging soe

new pictures! visiting places you have never -een+



7et into the ha-it of pausing -efore you ta1e action on a pro-le and loo1 at

ways of solving it dierent to what you would norally do+ ;n other words!

attept to act out of character on a regular -asis+

Further reading

;ngha! Christine+ "ife Without Wor1$ 8 tie for change! growth and personal

transforation+ 2arperCollins Pu-lishers! "ondon! '((I+

ToOer! 8lvin+ Powershift$ 9nowledge! wealth and violence at the edge of the

.'st Century+ Banta Boo1s! #ew or1! '((/+

Non ?ech! Roger+ 8 Whac1 on the ,ide of the 2ead+ 8ngus and Ro-ertson

Pu-lishers! ,ydney+ '(I+

''+ ?-<ective thin1ing

Fle>i-ility and openness! as well as the other principles! reAuire freedo fro

ways of thin1ing that are narrow4inded! sectarian! -igoted and fanatical or

that rely on uncritical acceptance of dogatic -eliefs or agicale>planations

for the world and what happens in it+

?-<ective thin1ing is scienti:c in nature+ There are four aspects 4 it is &'*

epirical! &.* logical! &* pragatic! and &I* Me>i-le+

?-<ective thin1ing is epirical

;t is -ased on evidence gained fro o-servation and e>perience rather than

on su-<ective feelings or uncritical -elief+ ;t see1s to avoid distortions of

reality+

?-<ective thin1ing is logical

;t reaches conclusions that validly follow fro the evidence+ ;t is possi-le! as

the e>aple -elow deonstrates! to have the right evidence -ut draw the

wrong conclusions$



Evidence$ =y supervisor has criticised e! ; donLt li1e -eing criticised

Conclusion$ ; canLt stand this! it shouldnLt happen to e! and it shows that y

supervisor is a rotten person+

Even though the two pieces of evidence are correct! this does not a1e the

conclusion correct+ ;t does not logically follow that -ecause ; have -een

critici6ed and ; donLt li1e this &-oth of which are true*! that y supervisor is

rotten! ; cant stand it! and it shouldnLt happen &-eliefs which go -eyond the

evidence*+

=ore logical conclusions could -e$ =y supervisor has done soething ;disli1e This is unpleasant and ; prefer this not to happen to e+

;llogical -eliefs are often overgenerali6ations! li1e! for e>aple$

,oething that is unpleasant -ecoes terrifying &awfulising*

,oething that is hard to -ear! -ecoes intolera-le &discofort intolerance*

Because ; prefer to avoid discofort! therefore ; a-solutely ust avoid it

&deandingness*

Because ; -ehaved stupidly! therefore ; as a person a stupid &self4rating*+

To chec1 the logical validity of your conclusions! as1 yourself Auestions li1e$

Do y conclusions logically follow fro the evidence@

What other conclusions ay -e possi-le@

8 ; catastrophising! deanding! or selfGother4rating@

?-<ective thin1ing is pragatic

,cience evaluates an idea not <ust on its evidence or logical validity! -ut also

on its usefulness to huan -eings+ ;n other words! we need to -e concerned

with the eects! -oth short4 and long4ter! of what we -elieve+ uestions to



as1 ight -e$

What eect does -elieving this have on how ; feel and -ehave@

Does this -elief help or hinder e in achieving y goals@

?-<ective thin1ing is open4inded and Me>i-le

#othing is seen as a-solute or the last word+ Beliefs are seen as theories that

are su-<ect to change as new evidence coes along and e>isting ideas are

proved false+ ?-<ectivity encourages us to continually search for e>planations

that are ore accurate and useful than the ones we have now+

Why o-<ective thin1ing is iportant to stress anageent

?-<ective thin1ing is a necessary coponent of the other attitudes+ For

e>aple! increasing your tolerance for frustration and discofort eans

1eeping their -adness in perspective! rather than overgeneralising the into

awful or intolera-le+

Unscienti:c thin1ing can itself create distress+ This can happen when you

view criticis as un-eara-le! deand that you succeed! or rate yourself as a

total person -ecause you fail at soething+

Believing you are controlled -y outside forces! li1e fate or luc1! can lead to

feelings of an>iety! powerlessness and hopelessness and cause you to ta1e a

passive approach to life and its pro-les+

Erroneous thin1ing! as we shall see later! can also a1e it hard to practice

the coping strategies in Part Three+

Developing o-<ective thin1ing

Use rational self4analysis to challenge erroneous thin1ing

Use essays to critically e>aine agical thin1ing+

Read up on rational thin1ing+

Developing any of the other principles will also ove you toward ore

o-<ective ways of thin1ing &especially eotional and -ehavioural



responsi-ility! self4direction! and Me>i-ility*+

Further reading

Thouless R+2+ ,traight and Croo1ed Thin1ing+ Richard Clay! ,uol1! '((+

''+ 8cceptance of reality

;t a1es sense! wherever possi-le! to change things you disli1e+ But there will

-e soe things you will not -e a-le to change+ ou then have two choices 4

you can rail against fate and stay distressed or you can accept reality and

ove on+

The principle of acceptance

To accept soething is to &'* ac1nowledge that it e>ists! &.* -elieve there is

no reason it should not e>ist! and &* see it as -eara-le+ "ets e>aine these

three aspects of acceptance in ore detail$

8c1nowledgent of reality+ This involves aditting that reality 4 including

unpleasant reality 4 e>ists+ ou see it as inevita-le that any things will not

-e to your li1ing+ ou view uncertainty! frustration and disappointent as

aspects of noral life+

8-sence of any deand that reality not e>ist+ This eans that although you

ay prefer yourself! other people! things! or circustances to -e dierent

fro how they are &and you ay even wor1 at changing the*! you 1now

there is no "aw of the Universe which says they should or ust -e dierent+

9eeping unwanted realities in perspective+ ou disli1e soe things! and :nd

the unpleasant 4 -ut you avoid catastrophising the into horri-leor

un-eara-le+

8cceptance of reality includes any things

There are any realities people are called upon to accept+ 2ere are soe

that are especially relevant to stress anageent$

Uncertainty+ ;n the real world there are no certainties+ The outcoes of our

actions can never -e guaranteed+ ;t is helpful to anticipate the future! -ut we

can never 1now for sure what it holds+



Utopia is unli1ely+ ou and ; will alost certainly never get everything we

want+ This includes total happiness or personal perfection+ We will pro-a-ly

always e>perience soe pain! an>iety! or depression+

There are liitations to personal change+ There are any things we can

change! li1e an>iety and depression+ But there are soe things that will not

change no atter how uch we try! as =artin ,eligan points out in his -oo1

What ou Can Change and What ou Cant+ 8ccepting this reality can help

people avoid uch unnecessary distress+

We cannot change others+ ?ne thing we can never change is other people+

?nly they can change theselves+ 8ccepting this reality ay save a lot ofpain+

What acceptance is not

=any people have trou-le with the idea of acceptance+ They thin1 that to

accept soething eans they have to li1e it! agree with it! <ustify it! -e

indierent to it! or resign theselves to it+

8cceptance is none of these things+ ou can disli1e soething! see it as

un<usti:ed and continue to prefer that it not e>ist+ ou can -e concerned

a-out it+ ou can ta1e action to change it! if change is possi-le+ But you can

still accept it -y re<ecting the idea that it should not e>ist and that it

a-solutely ust -e changed+

Why acceptance is iportant to stress anageent

2urting yourself does not change what you disli1e! and will only ta1e awayenergy -etter used to confront and solve pro-les+ By reducing the intensity

of your -ad feelings! you will -e less disa-led -y the+ 8cceptance can!

parado>ically! increase your chances of changing what you disli1e

8cceptance will help you tolerate what you cannot change! and avoid adding

unnecessary eotional pain to the unpleasantness of the situation itself+



8cceptance! :nally! will help you avoid wasting tie and energy and ris1ing

your eotional or physical health -y striving for what is unattaina-le+

Developing acceptance of reality

Ta1e note of non4accepting thoughts and -ehaviour+ Watch out for$

Believing that people or things should -e dierent to how they are that it is

awful and intolera-le when things are not as they should -e that the world

should -e a fair place that one should always -e treated fairly+

Feeling angry -ut una-le to do anything+

#eeding to get other people to adit they are wrong! or avoiding acceptance

-ecause it ight ean giving away a sense of self4rightness+

9eep reality in perspective+ When facing an unpleasant developent in your

life$

Use the tie4pro<ection techniAue+

8s1 ;s this situation! event or possi-ility really so -ad for e@

Develop a catastrophe scale+

uery yourself$ 2ow uch do ; really need to upset yself over this@

Challenge your deands that reality not -e as it is+ 8s1 yourself$

Can ; really change &this person! this situation! etc+*@

Though ; would prefer that -e dierent to how it is! where is it written that it

should -e@

Why ust this not happen@

;s deanding that this person change going to a1e the change 4 or would

; -e -etter to try and understand how they see things and then attept to

tal1 with the@



Practice acceptance$

Regularly reind yourself that huan -eings are falli-le and not perfecti-le+

DonLt retaliate when people do things you disli1e+

,ee the world for what it really is &and always has -een* 4 iperfect+

Practice -eing satis:ed with coproises and less than perfect solutions to

pro-les+

To su up

We can su up our discussion of acceptance 4 and in fact all the rational

principles 4 with a paraphrase of a well41nown saying+ ;t suggests that to

achieve happiness! there are three things to strive for$ the courage to change

the things we can! the serenity to accept the things we cant 4 and the wisdo

to 1now the dierence+

?ne last thing+ Dont a1e these principles into deands+ They are ideals+

Pro-a-ly no4one could practice the all consistently+ Rather than see the as

a-solute ustsfor anaging your stress! use the as guidelines to a -etter

life+

Further reading

,eligan! =artin E+P+ What ou Can Change and What ou Cant$ The coplete

guide to successful self4iproveent+ Rando 2ouse! ,ydney! '((I+

This article has adapted fro the -oo1 7ood ,tress$ The "ife that can -e

yours! -y Wayne Froggatt! Pu-lished -y 2arperCollins #ew 3ealand!

8uc1land! '(()+

twelve rational effectiveness training principles

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