Tips for Talking about Adoption with Your Child

Adoption can be a tricky subject for some parents to discuss with their adopted child. When is a good time to talk to my child? What should I say? What should I avoid saying? These are just several of the questions parents with adopted children ask themselves. It is important for parents to talk with their child about adoption, but there are a few things that should be taken into consideration.

Simplicity

Your child’s age determines how you interact with them. It also determines their level of understanding. While they may ask countless questions about everything, their ability to actually understand it all is not yet fully developed. Because of this, you will want to explain adoption and answer their questions simply so that they are able to comprehend. Keep the early version of the story simple in the beginning.

“Your parents felt they could not take care of you like you deserved, so they asked us to raise you.”

Something along these lines can help your child understand why they were adopted without going into heavy detail. This, of course, will not be the end of the adoption story, but it can be a good place to start.

Reasoning

A child will have a difficult time understanding why they were placed for adoption. They might think that it was because they did something wrong, or they misbehaved and were being punished.

“Why didn’t my mom want me? Was I bad?”

These questions are normal for children to ask as they try to understand why they were placed for adoption. Let your child know that being adopted is not a punishment. They did not do anything wrong; their birth parents cared about them very much and wanted them to have the best life possible.

“You’re birth mother and father felt they couldn’t take care of you like you deserved, but they wanted you to have a loving family and home and a good life.”

A child might not fully comprehend adoption right away, or the reasons of it, but with love and support from their parents, they will have a safe environment in which they can learn and grow.

Readiness

Children will start asking questions when they are a few years old. As they get older, go to school, and make friends, their minds will expand and they will want to know more.

Many parents with adopted children fear the day they will have to talk to their child about their birth. Some worry that the child will become heartbroken, feel unloved, or even become angry and lash out.

There really is not a set age that makes it easier to explain adoption. The following are three options available to parents:

1. Include it naturally in dialogue from birth – This way, adoption won’t feel like some big secret. Talking about adoption casually and in front of your child can make it easier to really delve into the subject as they grow.

2. Wait until they ask – Some parents believe when the child asks about their history, then it means they are ready to start learning about their birth and their adoption. Children begin asking many big questions in their early years, and where they came from tends to be a common one.

3. Bring it up yourself – You don’t have to wait for your child to bring up the subject of their origins. As a parent, if you feel it is time for them to start understanding their adoption and their birth, then start mentioning it in dialogue.

There is a difference between the child being ready to hear and the parent being ready to talk. It might be harder to tell when it is appropriate for a child to know, especially when they are so young, but a parent should always be prepared.

It might be helpful to talk with other adoptive parents about how they discussed adoption with their children. Learning about the adoption stories and experiences of others can make the dialogue easier for the entire family. For more information You can also visit www.provplace.org.