What Is Bullying

Mary Katherine Boncher, Ph.D.Lower Lab PTA PsychologistJoshua Goldstein Lower Lab School Counselor

I. BullyingA. Occurs when a person is repeatedly psychologically and/or physically harmed

by another person or group of persons. B. Researchers have concluded that at least 25% of all children will be affected

by bullying at some point during their school years.C. Bullying has consequences for all parties involved.

1. Bullies suffer consequencesHigher likelihood of underachievement in academic settingsMore likely to have difficulty in relationships across a life timeMore likely to become abusive spouses or parentsMore likely to engage in criminal activities as adults.

2. Chronic victims of bullying report physical and mental health problems:Low self esteem DepressionMissing school to avoid the bullyingNot learning as well because of the negative climateBecoming revengeful and aggressive themselvesContemplating suicide

3. Bystander consequencesSelf-confidence and self-respect of bystander eroded by not taking

a moral stand D. Misconception bullying is an unavoidable part of childhood/adolescence

1. Adults may not recognize certain behaviors as “bullying”2. Bullying deserves attention of parents and educators.3. With work bullying and the cycle of violence can be broken

II. Forms of Bullying A. Verbal Bullying can stand-alone but is often the entrée to other forms of

bullying. Verbal bullying includes:1.Taunts

Taunting is not the same as teasingWith teasing there is

swapping of roles,other shared activity,not intended to hurt,maintenance of basic dignity,lighthearted feel,intention for both parties to laugh,innocent in motivation,

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discontinuance if upsettingWith taunting there is

an imbalance of powerhumiliation,laughing at, not with,sinister motivation,

intention to diminish, intention to harm

continuation after/because of distressfear of further taunting.

2. Name calling 3. Belittling4. Cruel criticism5. Personal defamation6. Racist slurs7. Sexually suggestive or abusive remarks8. Physical threats

B. Physical Bullying accounts for less than 1/3 of bullying incidents reported by children. It includes:

1. Menacing gestures2. Slapping3. Hitting4. Choking5. Poking,6. Punching7. Kicking8. Biting9. Pinching10. Scratching11. Twisting limbs12. Spitting13. Damaging or destroying clothes and property

C. Relational or social Bullying, the most difficult to detect from the outside, is most powerful in the middle years It is the systematic

diminishment of another’s sense of self through:1. Ignoring2. Isolating3. Excluding4. Shunning5. Intentional exclusion from a group6. Spreading rumors 7. Repeated name calling8. Taunting

D. Cyber Bullying1. Can be either verbal or relational bullying but should be looked at

within it’s own right.

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2. Cyber bullying can occur viatest messages on cell phones and other electronic devicesemailchat roomsdigital photosvoice mail messagesweb pagessocial media sitestweets and twitters

3. Cyber bullying can be particularly devastating to the target/victim because of the public nature of the method of conveyance

4. Cyber bullying may be covered by state and/or federal laws because they occur over regulated medium

5. Particulars for dealing with cyber bullying will not be dealt with in this workshop/discussion as it merits its own forum by experts

E. Both boys and girls engage in bullying behaviors1. Boys typically engage in direct, overt buying behaviors

Physical assaultsVerbal taunts and threats

2. Girls often use relational bullying, which is more discreetIntentionally leaving someone outSpreading rumors

III. The Act and Actors A. Bullying is

conscious, willful, deliberate \

hostile entails an imbalance of powerintent to harmthreat of further aggressionterror

B. Roles played in bullying:BullyBullied, Target, or VictimBystander

IV. The BullyA. Common traits of Bullies usually stronger than the children they bully

1. physically, 2. psychologically,3. socially

B. Types of bullies1. Confident bully – big ego, sense of entitlement, powerful personality2. Social bully – uses rumor, gossip, verbal taunts and shunning

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3. Fully armored bully – cool and detached, shows little emotions, vicious and vindictive

4. Hyperactive bully - poorly developed social skills, does not process social cues accurately, often reads hostile intent into other

kids’ innocent actions5. Bullied bully – motivated by feelings of powerlessness 6. Bunch of bullies – group of friends who collectively do something

they would never do individually7. Gang of bullies – strategic alliance in pursuit of power, control,

domination, subjugation, turf.C. Common traits

1. Like to dominate other people2. Like to use other people to get what they want3. Find it hard to see a situation from other person’s perspective4. Concerned only with own wants5. Tend to hurt other kids when adults are not around6. View weaker kids as prey7. Use blame, criticism, and false allegations to project their own

inadequacies onto target8. Lack foresight – ability to consider consequences9. Crave attention

D. Holds contempt for target1. A sense of entitlement2. An intolerance towards difference

E. Often are masking deep hurt and feelings of inadequacyF. When caught

1. Denies any wrong doing2. Trivializes the event3. Counterattacks4. Claims victim status 5. Counts on the support of bystanders to collaborate or not say

anything.G. Bullies learn to be bullies in large part by the way they were treated by

bigger or more powerful people in their lives. H. Consequences of Bullying on Bullies

1. Become reinforced in not taking responsibility for behaviors2. Reinforced in not taking alternative perspectives or exercising empathy3. Higher likelihood of underachievement in academic settings4. More likely to have difficulty in relationships across a life time5. More likely to becomes abusive spouses or parents6. More likely to engage in criminal activities as adults

I. Signs your child may be bullying others1. Gets into physical or verbal fights3. Is competitive and worry about their reputation or popularity4. Likes to dominate other people5. Likes to use other people to get what he/she wants

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6. Finds it hard to see a situation from other person’s perspective7. Lacks empathy8. Tends to hurt other kids when adults are not around9. Views weaker kids as prey10. Uses blame, criticism, and false allegations to project their own

inadequacies onto target11. Lacks foresight – ability to consider consequences12. Is increasingly aggressive13. Gets sent to the principal’s office or to detention frequently14. Blames others for their problems15. Doesn’t accept responsibility for their actions16. Has unexplained extra money or new belongings.

V. The Bullied A. Come in all sizes and shapes,

1. some are big, some are small, 2. some bright some not so bright, 3. some attractive some not so attractive, 4. some popular and some disliked by almost everybody.

B. Common to all bullied is that they are targeted by a bully or by a bunch of bullies usually because they are different in some way

C. Myths about targets put onus for the bullying on the target. They are:1. Weak, pathetic, frail, insecure, loner2. Have it coming3. Feed into the relationship

D. Kids who have behaviors that annoy their peers still have a right to be treated with dignity and respect

E. Targets are:1. Kid who is new on the block2. Kid who is youngest, smallest, more frightened, insecure3. Kid who has already been traumatized3. Kid who is submissive4. Kid who has behavior that others find annoying5. Kid who is unwilling to fight6. Kid who is shy, reserved, quiet7. Kid who is poor or rich8. Kid whose race or ethnicity is different and viewed by bully as

deserving of contempt9. Kid whose gender/sexual orientation is viewed by bully as

deserving of contempt10. Kid whose religion is viewed by bully as inferior or deserving of

contempt11. Kid who is bright or talented12. Kid who is independent and unconcerned about social status13. Kid who expresses emotions readily14. Kid who is fat or thin, short or tall

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15. Kid who wears braces or glasses16. Kid who has acne or other skin condition17. Kid who has superficial physical attributes that are different18. Kid with physical and/or mental disabilities19. Kid who is in the wrong place at the wrong time

F. Once targeted by bully the child’s responses influence whether or not he/she moves from target to victim

1. If kid succumbs to the attack 2. Gives the bully what is demanded 3. Shows distress, fear, or apathy4. Fails to respond assertively

G. The habitually bullied kid changes both emotionally and physically – becomes someone he/she was not before the attack.

H. The bullied may:1. experiences guilt, shame, sense of failure2. have a diminished sense of well being3. become more isolated from peers4. have trouble concentrating5. have decline in school work6. develop survival strategies instead if social skills7. face a radical life change and sense of self

I. Kids have many reasons for not telling adults1. Shame / humiliation / embarrassment2. Fear of retaliation3. Don’t think anyone can help4. Don’t think anyone will help 5. Have bought into belief that bullying is part of growing up6. Have learned that ratting on peers is bad and not cool7. Have been bullied by adults

J. Consequences of bullying on the target/victim1. low self esteem2. depression and anxiety

- increased feelings of sadness and loneliness,- changes in sleep and eating patterns,- loss of interest in activities they used to enjoy,

3. difficulty motivating self- motivating themselves- overcoming frustration- regulating moods- having hope

4. health complaints. 4. missing school5. decreased school attendance and participation6. decreased academic achievement7. more likely to drop out of school8. contemplating suicide

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9. becoming aggressive / vengeful themselvesK. Kids give off warning signs

1. Abrupt lack of interest in school or other situation2. Take unusual route to school3. Suffer a drop in grades4. Withdraws from family and school activities5. Are hungry after school and say lost lunch or lunch money6. Take parents’ money with lame excuses7. Make a beeline to bathroom when getting home from school8. Are sad, sullen, angry, scared, 9. Begin to do things out of character – skipping school10. Use derogatory or demeaning language when talking about peers11. Stop talking about peers and everyday activities12. Are disheveled or have torn, or missing clothing13. Have physical injuries not consistent with explanation14. Have stomachaches, headaches, panic attacks, are unable to sleep,

sleep too much, are exhausted.L. Bullied kids can implode or explodeM. Warning signs of implosion - suicidality

1. Depression2. Aimlessness3. Increased isolation4. Fascination with death5. Passive suicidal statements (I wish I was dead, no one cares that

I’m even alive.)6. Threats of suicide

N. Warning signs of explosion - violence1. Sullen, angry, depressed 2. Aimlessness3. Chronic anger 4. Seeks status and worth through violence5. Addictions to violent media products 6. Alcohol and drug use/abuse7. Fascination with violence or weapons8. Experience with guns9. Access to guns10. Threats of violence

VI. The Bystander1. Can aid the bully through acts of omission and commission

Stands idly by, look away, actively encourage the bully, join inIncreases distress of targetDesensitizes bystander to the crueltySet conditions for bystander to become full-fledged bullies

2. Bystanders may: see the bully as popular, strong and daring role model,

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be affected by the apparent lack of negative consequences,have a decreased sense of individual responsibilityparticipate blaming the target

3. Injustice overlooked infects those who thought they could turn awayself-confidence and self-respect of bystander eroded by not taking

a moral stand4. There are no innocent bystanders

What were they doing in a bullying situation?5. Bystander complicity

Followers/henchmen – take an active part but do not initiateSupporters – support the bullying, do not take an active partPassive supporters – like the bullying, do not display open supportDisengaged onlookers – watch, say “it is none of my business”Possible defender – dislike the bullying, think they should help but

don’tDefender of the Target – dislike the bullying, help or try to help the

target6. Research (Pepler & Craig) shows that

Peers were involved in some capacity in 85% if the bullying episodes

Peers reinforced the bullying in 81% of the episodesPeers were more respectful and friendly toward the bullies than the

targetsPeers were active participants in 48% of the episodesPeers intervened in only 13% if the episodes

7. Why stand by and watch?Fear of getting hurt him/herselfFear of becoming a new targetFear of doing something that will make the situation worseDo not know what to do

8. Apathy creates atmosphere that allows contempt9. Bystanders have excuses

The bully is my friendIt’s not my problemShe’s not my friendHe’s a loserShe deserved it – had it comingBullying will toughen him upThey’re the in-group

10. Consequences of Bullying on by standerssense of complicity in the bullyingstruggle with feeling regarding their watching

confusionfearshameguilt

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excitementpower

civility can be diminished - replaced by a false sense of entitlementself-respect / self-esteem eroded by not taking a moral standcan slip into bullying themselves

11. Bullying creates a climate of fear that makes kids feel unsafe

VII. InterventionsA. Helping the Bully

1. It may be difficult to accept and is often initially denied by family and others

2. Reflect on your family structure and dynamics.Children’s relationships with others are determined in part by the

kind of family in which they grow up. 3. What is your parenting style?

Authoritarian – demanding but not responsiveParent has absolute authority.Rigid enforcement of rules by means of actual or

threatened violence.Attempt to break child’s will and spirit with fear and

punishmentUse of humiliationHeavy reliance on competitionLearning takes place in an atmosphere of fearLove is highly conditionalTeaching what to think not how to think

Indulgent Parenting – parent is responsive but not demandingPunishment and rewards are arbitrary and inconsistentSecond chances are arbitrarily givenThreats and bribes are commonplaceEmotions rule the behavior of parents and childrenLove is highly conditional

Authoritative demanding and responsive Parent believes in, trusts, believes in ability, listens to,

cares for and shows child is importantDemocracy is learned through experienceFamily environment is conducive to creative, constructive,

and responsive activity.Discipline is handled with authority that give life to

children’s learning.Rules are simple and clearConsequences are natural or reasonableChildren get second opportunitiesChildren are motivated to be all they can beChildren receive lots of smiles, hugs, humor

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Children learn to accept their own feelings and to act responsibly on those feelings

Competency and cooperation are modeled and encouragedLove is unconditionalChildren are taught how to think

4. Remember bullying is not about anger or conflict it is about contempt and dehumanization.

Punishment does not work – most often degrades, humiliates, teaches child to become sneakier about bullying

The goal is to teach empathy versus contempt5. What to do?

Intervene immediatelyTalk to your child, calmly.Address why child might be engaging in bullying behavior.Explain why bullying behavior is unacceptable for self and

victimsShow child what he has done wrong.Help child establish ownership of the problemEstablish rules and consequences regarding aggressive

behaviors.Offer a process for solving the problem created.Leave dignity intact.

Discuss alternatives to aggressive behavior.Teach alternatives to bullying behaviors such as

respecting othersshowing tolerancebeing assertive (aggressive people often do not know how

to be assertive)asking for help

Create opportunities to do goodPraise for use of alternative appropriate behaviorNurture empathy

Sensitize to other points of viewTeach friendship skillsClosely monitor child’s tv viewing, videogame playing, computer

activities, and musicHelp child engage in more constructive / creative activities.Teach child to do good

Discern what is right and what is wrongAct on rightTake a stand to act right

B. Helping the Bullied Child1. Remember the reasons child may not have told

ShameFearA sense of helplessness and hopelessness.

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2. Do’sActively listen Convey support

I hear youI am here for youI believe youYou are not alone

Let child know that it is not his/her faultThe blame for bullying belongs to the bullyEven if child does annoying things

Let child know there are things he/she can doReport the bullying to school personnel.

3. Don’ts Don’t minimize, rationalize, or explain away the bullyingDon’t rush to solve the problem for childDon’t tell the child to avoid the bullyDon’t tell child to fight backDon’t confront the bully or the bully’s parents alone

4. Process feelings about being bulliedWhat are the feelings?Identify and label themWhere did they come from?Are some feelings masking others?Appropriately expressing feelings

5. Help child distinguish between telling and tattling 6. Antidotes to Bullying

A strong sense of selfReflect on how your parenting style impacts child’s sense

of being capable, competent, cooperative, responsible, resourceful, resilient

Make adjustments to parenting style as neededTeach child to use positive self talk.Teach child to be assertive

Being a good friend and having at least one good friend Teach ways to have/make/keep friends

Show kindness and respectStick up for themBe supportive when your friends need help or

adviceTell the truth but be kind about itIf you hurt a friend, say you’re sorryIf a friend hurts you and apologizes, accept the

apologyIf you make a promise, keep itPut some effort into your friendships

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Don’t try to change your friends - accept them the way they are

Treat your friends the way you want them to treat you.

Always be thankful for your friends.Being able to successfully get into a group

Teach ways to join and work within a groupObserveAsk questionsSay honest / positive things about the group or

activityAsk to play or joinCooperatePlay fair

Teach problem solving skillsTeach conflict resolution skills

C. Helping the Bystander1. Discuss with bystander child role he/she might have played

Follower/henchmen Supporter Passive supporters Disengaged onlookers – Possible defender Defender of the Target

2. Help child recognize they are responsible for helping to create a safe, caring respectful and bully-free environment.

3. Teach there is no innocent bystanderDepending on child’s role take action so they can make amends

Follower/henchmanIntervene immediately with discipline thatCreate opportunities to do goodNurture empathy Teach friendship skillsClosely monitor child’s tv viewing, videogame

playing, computer activities, and music

Help child engage in more constructive entertaining, and energizing

activities.Teach child to do good

Supporter or passive supporterHelp child apologize to the targetHelp supporter acknowledge role played to others involvedHelp child let it be known that she/she will not participateHelp child make amends to targeted child

Disengaged onlookers

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talk about the harm silence can cause targeted childby-standers

challenge reasons or excuses for not getting involved.Possible defender

Discuss / explore reason for not helpingAfraid of getting hurtAfraid of becoming new targetAfraid of making situation worseDoesn’t know what to do

Address fears and range of actionsDefender

Teach kids to become witnesses by Developing moral codeModeling stepping up and speaking up Give kids a chance to practiceTeach child that he/she is responsible for

consequences of actionsBuild child’s confidence in his/her ability to make

good decisionsTeach child to evaluate his her reasons.Telling an adult

D. The pledgePledge to be part of the solutionEliminate taunting from own behaviorEncourage others to do the sameDo part to make community a safe place by being more sensitive to othersSet an example of a caring individualEliminate profanity towards others from languageNot let words and actions hurt others.

E. Bystanders stand against bullying is crucial in stopping bullyingin creating an atmosphere where bullying can not occur

VII. Create a Caring School CommunityA. Partner with the SchoolB. Become familiar with the anti-bullying policy at child’s school

schools.nyc.gov/respectforallC. Discuss school rules and behavior expectations with your child.

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REFERENCES

Coloroso, B. The bully, the bullied, and the bystander.

Geffner, R. Bullying Behavior: Current issues, research, and interventions

Sassu, K., Elinoff, M., Bray, M., Kehle, T. Behavior problems: Bullies and victims. National Association of School Psychoogists

Thompson, M. Mom they’re teasing me: Helping your child solve social problems.

FURTHER RESOURCES

Dillon, J. (2015). Reframing bullying prevention to build stronger school communities.Corwin Sage Company

Laminack, L. & Wadsworth R. (2012). Bullying Hurts: Teaching kindness through read alouds and guided conversations. Heinemann

Morin, A. (2014) 13 things mentally strong people don’t do. William Morrow of Harper Collins Publishing

Roberts, W. (2006) Bullying from both sides: Strategic interventions for working with bullies & victims. Corwin Press: Sage Publishing Co.

BOOKS FOR CHILDREN

Bateman, T. & Urbanovic, J. (2004). The bully blockers club. Albert Whitman & Company: Chicago Il.

Bullying awareness activity book. I.

Donovan, S. (2014). How can I deal with bullying: A book about respect. Lerner Publication: Minneapolis

Gilman, G. & McConnell, S. (2013). Dixie and the big bully. Harper Collins Publishers

Schneider, J. ( 2013). The meanest birthday girl. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing

Waddell, M. & Oxenbury, H. Farmer duck. Humen Dongguan: China

(Thanks to Gina for her wonderful collection of books on Bullying)

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