The Idealized Self as The Problem

The defenses of the ego(34 slides)

creatively compiled by dr. michael farnworth

The purpose of this presentation

• This presentation will focus upon the developmental process of becoming whole by addressing the complexities of differentiation and integration.

• It will attempt to explain the necessity of separation and then rejoining what was once separate.

• It is a developmental issue and understanding it will be akin to the development of a fetus, which first divides and then integrates the individual cells into organs which work together.

• When differentiation does not occur-- then disassociation and fragmentation result.

• Then the concepts will be put into a psychological context.

Some definitions…

• Differentiation: to separate and become unique, to become mature.

• Integration: the combining of to make a unified whole, to bring together.

• Disassociation: to keep away and apart from, to disown, to

disconnect from.

• Fragmentation: to separate and break into parts, to split off, segment into pieces.

The idealized self…

• Most of us construct an idealized self that we want others to see and believe we are.

• • We use impression management, always acting our best and trying to fit

in.

• It is as if we are on stage waiting for the cues to perform.

• The parts of us that are embarrassing and shameful we pretend are not really there as we keep them hidden and away from the prying eyes of others.

• This part we will call the dark side.

The dark side…

• The dark side of self, or the shadow, is made up of the ugly or sinful parts of who we really are.

• It may be shameful events or experiences such as sexual abuse or

illicit, criminal behavior. • It may be tendencies that are embarrassing to us or past sins that

we have tried to change but that seem to always come back to haunt us.

• We pretend that the dark side doesn’t really exist, even though it

is a driving negative force in our lives and we are imprisoned by it. • As long as nobody knows about it and we don’t talk about it- it isn’t

really real.

Robert Louis Stevenson captured this constant struggle between good and evil in the classic novel about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

The story tells us that in the beginning “Dr. Jekyll is a highly respected London physician, a good and kindly man, who in his youth had showed

inclinations toward evil which, however, he he succeeded in suppressing.

Interested in drugs, the doctor now chances upon one which enables him to change his external form to that of a repulsive dwarf, the very

embodiment of evil, whom he calls Mr. Hyde.

A similar dose permits him to return to the form and personality of the benevolent doctor.

Many times the doctor becomes Mr. Hyde, thereby giving this side of his nature more and more power.

Jekyll finds it increasingly difficult to regain his virtuous entity and also finds himself occasionally becoming Hyde without the use of the drug.”

Thesaurus of Book Digests, p.206

The moral of the story and the power of the shadow is an interesting one-in that suppression and hiding is what the

idealized self will do each time it is confronted with it’s dark side.

Paradoxically, the way to tame it is by acknowledging it and owning it then you can do something about it but not until

then.

It will not go away on it’s own.

Disassociation…

• When a person disassociates they repress energies and memories and then alienate themselves from those feelings and events by forgetting.

• Disassociation is a defense technique that insulates us from pain filled events, memories and the energies that are trigged by them.

A picture representing disassociation…

In disassociating we really don’t know who we are because we never ground ourselves but rather change and accommodate to the

circumstances of our lives.

We become chameleons changing to match the backgrounds of our life.

Fragmentation

• Fragmentation occurs when we slit off parts of ourselves that create discomfort and that we find unacceptable.

• For example, if I am a church member but engage in sexual activities that would get me into trouble then I hide the activities from others and pretend that even though I do those things, that it is not really me who is doing them.

• And that I could stop, if I really wanted too and will when I decide to.

A picture representing fragmentation…

Fragmentation allows me to live in hiding with painful memories and shameful things that I do or have done, that no one is aware of.

I can’t even think about the stuff since it is too painful and shaming.

Fragmentation occurs when we create masks and facades to give us cover and safety.

The developmental stages…

• 1. Infancy: a sense of wholeness, but at an old brain level.

• 2. Childhood: a growth that is fused and enmeshed with significant others, complicated by a pre cognitive state.

• 3. Adolescence: differentiation or disassociation begins depending upon the nature of the history at a new brain rational and cognitive level.

• 4. Adulthood: integration or fragmentation occurs, one leading to health, the other to disaster.

The choice, is old brain determinedeven if the new brain thinks otherwise!

The visual…for healthy

• 1st stage… wholeness

• 2nd stage…fusion with others

• 3rd stage…differentiation and ownership

• 4th stage…integration into wholeness

The visual… for dysfunction

• 1st stage… wholeness

• 2nd stage… fusion with others

• 3rd stage…disassociation and pretending

• 4th stage… fragmentation and fixation (being stuck)

A case study…

• A student comes in with a history of sexual abuse that they have tried to forget and pretend never happened.

• All their efforts (will power, praying, keeping the commandments, church) fail because the events are real and the body and mind were impacted by the reality of it.

• They have withdrawn and are shut down into a falsely constructed interior life which they are afraid to share with others in fear of abandonment and rejection.

• They cannot heal because they have been living in a disassociated and fragmented life.

• They are being dishonest with their history and life thrives on honesty guess what happens?

Another case study…

• A man comes in for therapy, he is addicted to pornography and his sexual acting out is scaring him because it is threatening his family life and profession.

• He is a community leader and active in his church.

• His role play is refined from years of practice. • He has tried over and over to quite but nothing has worked. • He sees himself as he has created himself… successful and above reproach except for this

little hidden inconvenient part of sexual addiction. • He has tried therapy. • He has tired over and over and over again to stop, he has fasted and prayed. • He is ashamed and scared. • He continues and tries to overcome his problem with will power and effort.

• Guess what happens?

My analysis…

• In each case the person has attempted to disassociate and fragment his/her life with forgetting, pretense and role play.

• They both fear the process of differentiation which would invite an owning and a suffering of their real histories.

• The differentiation would require an acceptance, embracing and surrendering to their past before the healing process could even begin.

• But both refuse to do so because it is that very thing they

have spent their life trying to forget, overcome and conquer.

• They see surrender as giving up and they fear the consequence of doing so.

Two ground rules:

#1. We cannot heal or fix ourselves.

#2. Life can heal us but only if we are truth full.

The dilemma…

• I believe that if we are being dishonest Life can do nothing with us.

• We are being hypocritical and proud, because we really think we can fix this problem if given more time.

• We haven’t bottomed out.

• It is our pride and arrogance that keeps us in a fragmented and disassociated state not wanting to own up to the reality that I have been abused (sexual or otherwise) or that I am a wounded and need healing.

• Given our history and copious amounts of evidence to the contrary, we refuse to give up control and continue in our illusion of dishonest living and being.

Said another way…

• The first step in Life healing us is having to embrace who we are and have become.

• Even if we were victimized we have to acknowledge life and it’s results.

• The purpose of the disassociation and fragmenting is to keep painful reality at bay.

• We hid, we forgot, we pretended, we lied, we came to believe that we

could somehow escape the very life we experienced and in escaping from our Life we’ve escaped from ourselves.

• And that is the nature of our predicament all alone, and in hiding, wounded, scared and ashamed to come out which is no way to live Life.

The energies are the symptoms…

• When the energies of life start bubbling up to the surface- most of us get scared and shut down.

• We look for excuses to explain their discomfort and anxiety.

• We want to blame present circumstances or the people in their life for their eruptions and leaking.

• The truth is much more simple: the energies are a manifestation of

woundedness and the energies have simply returned to be processed out of the body.

• But because we are afraid and unready, we continue to disassociate and fragment.

When the energies come a calling…

• The language of our inner energies is one that we have a hard time understanding so we typically try to silence them by turning to our addictions.

• We distract our self and quiet the energies by turning to substances, activities or persons that we have a mood altering relationship with, which have become addictive over time.

The core issue…

• We can differentiate by growing up (being who we really are) and by coming out of hiding.

• We can do so by honestly surrendering to that which we have spent our life trying to conquer or run away from namely our own histories of wounds.

• We will have to suffer the physical, emotional and spiritual pain that we experienced as there is no other option.

• Until that happens we remain in a dishonest, defended, disassociated state which neither man nor life can penetrate without our permission.

• It cannot be faked it will not happen if it is.

Some times we are too proud and vain to change our minds and our hearts towards our self and our histories.

I can do this!!!! If I just keep trying!!!

• My idealized self that is this competent, independent, capable, wonderful person that I have created for the world to see will not surrender but continues living:

the truth of the lie.

The problem.

• We are not encouraged to differentiate in this culture, as it is more concerned with outward behavior.

• Many of us learn to hide and pretend for others.

• This ‘song and dance routine’ can continue into adulthood and is the bane of many, otherwise seemingly normal, people.

• We are not invited to discover, nurture or differentiate ourselves from others such as parents, church, leaders or others in authority as it is seems enough to do what we are told.

• The inner life withers, as the outer life thrives.

Disassociation…

• To hide, become hard, to feign, to pretend, to forget, to become false, to be a role play and an actor, to be vain and to glory seek.

Fragmentation…

• To become hard hearted, to be past feeling, to have a seared and scarred conscience, to be in deep slumber, to be disconnected.

The other option is to disassociate from our wounded natures and focus and hide behind the idealized person we

desperately want the world to see.

We become defended and cut off.

We eventually fragment into hard hearted and vain role players who feign and pretend.

We judge others while condemning our self in the process.

We value the things of the culture and our conscience becomes seared and non-feeling and even though we

continue trying we become a little more dark and hard.

The adventure of Life needs a soft heart so it can join with the self and others.

the end