Owning the ish of Self(37 slides)

creatively compiled by dr. michael farnworth

‘ish’ defined...

1. Of, pertaining to, or being. 2. Characteristic of: as in girlish. 3. Having the qualities of.

So self-ish is...

Having the qualities and characteristics of self. Manifesting the attributes or traits of self. Behaving in ways congruent and consistent

with self.

Other selves…

• Self-less: the act of not having a self, doing what others want. This culture would have selflessness so that it could easily manipulate the masses.

• Self-full: the sense of one’s self and the courage to honor it. A self-full person would be grounded and not easily manipulated or intimidated. He/ she will remember and honor the self.

The uniqueness of self...

The unique qualities of your selfhood are yours alone, no one shares your spirit, genetics or soul.

You are one in literally trillions. Why then, is there so much negative energy

around the issue of selfishness in this culture? Are you of no value being your self?

The Accusation...

If someone accuses you of selfishness it is certainly no compliment. It typically is a demeaning charge of behavior unbecoming and detested in and by others.

It is an accusation typically laced with shame and contempt and many people behave in ways to defect and deny the charge.

The cultural paradox…

• This from a culture steeped in philosophical individualism (a fancy concept for self-concern and self-preoccupation)

• The Eskimos have over 28 words to describe the different kinds of snow. Whatever concepts are important in a society there will be plenty of words to describe and deal with it!

• This dictionary has over 160 words with self -beginning them: self abasement to self worship-- 160 of them!!! Put 2 and 2 together… it doesn’t add up.

It is a difficult conundrum living in a culture that views the self of a person as having no value and

unworthy of self attention and affection.

How does one learn to embrace that which is considered shameful and undeserving by others?

Now think about this one…

Is not the cultural elimination of the self (as in being selfless)– a hidden manifestation of selfish interest

in the hopes of obtaining what the self may desire, crave and even lust after?

Things like: acceptance, approval, a happy marriage, recognition, jobs, callings, a good self

esteem, a boy or girl friend, etc.

It is a paradox to live in a culture that shames you for selfishness-- if you attend to the things of self--

while at the same time, that same culture promotes the ideal of self-esteem and self-value.

So in our efforts to hide our selfishness we are pretty hard on ourselves when we don’t

measure up to the culture’s (parents, church, schools, work) expectations.

I imagine if we treated other people like some of us treat our self when we make a mistake we would be in need of changing

our behavior to a more gentle and forgiving nature.

Many of us need to change our mean spiritedness in relationship to our inner

self?

Think about the kinds of names you call yourself and how you feel when you make a mistake or when you do something that

you later regret.

That kind of treatment makes a lasting impression…

I don’t know about you but many of the names I have called my self over the years when disappointed or embarrassed by my

behaviors would deserve an R-rating.

Why do we suffer the symptoms of self-contempt when we are

supposed to cherish our selves as unique creations?

Go figure.

What about service?

How many of us have heard the advertising rational if you don’t feel happy and have meaning in your life-- then go out and serve someone?

Is it service to selfishly go out to serve to become more happy and content with self? Does motivation count for anything?

Is there something dishonest or inappropriate about service for selfish reasons?

How can service to others be considered noble but service in

behalf of self be considered inappropriate and somewhat

depraved?

Service…

Service to others, if done with a good and grounded heart, is healing and strengthens both the giver and receiver.

If service is a cover for ulterior motives, to medicate woundedness or establish a sense of superiority or goodness at the expense of helping others, then it weakens both the giver and receiver.

A virtue or disguise?

• Service to others is often a cover for the hungers and the needs of the self, of which one is ashamed.

• It seems we cannot enter in by the front door to care and nurture the self but have to hide our intentions by using the back door, hence the deceptions.

“I was always ashamed to take. So I gave. It was not a virtue. It was a

disguise.”

Anais Nin

We pay a price in personal integrity when we try mitigating our personal shame in service

to to others.

It is not good to pretend. It is not good to hide self-contempt and disgust by camouflaging

our real intentions in service to others because we find no real meaning and joy in

living the life we have?

We just get more lost.

Arthur Koestler, in his book: Ghost in the Machine, writes on pages 233-234

“The point I shall try to make is that selfishness is not the primary culprit ...most historians would agree that the part played by impulses of selfish, individual aggression in the holocausts of history was small.... The crimes of Caligula shrink to insignificance compared to the havoc wrought by Torquemada. The number of victims of robbers, highwaymen, rapers, gangsters and other criminals at any period of history is negligible compared to the massive numbers of those cheerfully slain in the name of the true religion, just policy, or correct ideology.... Wars of succession, dynastic wars, national wars, civil wars, were fought to decide issues equally remote from the personal self-interest of the combatants.”

Here is an interesting dilemma…

“The hatred and cruelty which have their source in selfishness are ineffectual things compared with the venom and ruthlessness born of selflessness.”

Eric Hoffer

Ponder for a moment all the torture, wars, and crusades that have been initiated by “selfless” acts of correcting

wrong minded nations of seeing it a different way.

Think of the manipulations of the Inquisition’s religious, “selfless” concerns of helping the misguided see the

errors of their ways.

And think of all the parenting abuse that has taken place by well meaning and “selfless” parents who are just

disciplining their children for their own good.

Contemplate the numerous times you have been hurt, overlooked, ignored,

shamed, or taken advantage of by someone who was hiding behind their hidden and disguised “selfless” need

to…

Our Life as a sacred Birthright:

• As we were born we brought with us our personality and gifts that were unique and originally ours.

• This gift of self was the express fruits of potentially limitless combinations.

• This self is our birthright.

It is next to impossible to see our self as unique and special when we have been marinated in shame for even looking inside for something sacred

or hallowed.

Maybe that’s what Christopher Morley had in mind when he said:

• “Men talk of finding God, but no wonder it is difficult; He is hidden in that darkest hiding-place, your heart. You yourself are a part of him.” (please excuse the sexism)

As Bruce Barton has written:

“If you have anything really valuable to contribute to the world it will come though the expression of your own personality, that single spark of divinity that sets you off and makes you different from every other living creature.”

From the poem Ask Me by William Stafford

“Sometime when the river is ice ask me mistakes I have made. Ask me whether what I have done is my life.”

So let me ask you now:

Have you lived your life?

Have you done your life or have you done someone else’s?

Now some questions posed by Parker Palmer:

Is the life that you are living the same as the life that wants to live in you?

What are you meant to do and who are you meant to be? Are you being true?

The Sacred Soul...

• The body and the spirit are the soul.• Just as each body is different and uncommon,

each sprit is remarkable and unlike anyone else in the world of creation.

• Joined together they create a soul so rare and matchless as to have unparalleled beauty and worth.

The Soul Speaks...

The soul speaks from with in calling you to be the person you were born to be. It lays down clues to who you really are. It is a sacred gift that invites you to embrace and speak your voice, your truth.

The soul speaks in quite, safe and gentle ways and compels you to grasp your gift of selfhood and protect it for the sacred essence it is.

Robbing the Gift...

• It seems our culture is adept at diminishing and distorting the gift of self at a very early age.

• We are held hostage by parenting expectations to act in certain ways and often give up our gifts for shallow tokens of acceptance and belonging.

• We wear other people’s faces and lose our sense of wholeness and unity.

Living lives that are not our own...

• Living lives that are not our own lead to meaningless, divided and fraudulent encounters with the self and others.

• We become unfaithful to our origins and natures and become strangers in our own lives.

• We surrender our authentic and vital souls for the pretense of socially contrived behavior.

• We lose our voice and wander off the path of selfhood.

The Labyrinth of Life...

In losing our self and our voice we may spend many years wandering the labyrinth looking for our niche, our slot in life. We experiment with hero worship (trying to become like others) or maybe rebellion (being different from others) but all is shallow and empty and dishonest and ultimately unfulfilling.

the end

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