the honest toddler: a child's guide to parenting by bunmi laditan

7/28/2019 The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting by Bunmi Laditan

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Contents

Introduction 1

Chapter 1: Why Did You Do Tat?: Te Ins and Outs o

oddler Behavior and How to Leave It Alone 3

Chapter 2: Parenting rom the Heart: Ignoring Outside

Inuences 29

Chapter 3: oddler-Approved Recipes 47

Chapter 4: Food-Shopping Guide: What We DO and DON

Need 65

Chapter 5: Sleep: Weaning Yoursel O It 75

Chapter 6: Distractions and Personal Interests: Letting Tem Go 93

Chapter 7: Grooming, Dressing, and General Hygiene: How to

Keep Your Hands to Yoursel 101

Chapter 8: Books, elevision, and Games: Understanding and

Spending Real Money on oddler Entertainment 113

Chapter 9: Special Occasions: Making Tem Magical or Your

Sweet Angel 135

Chapter 10: Pets: Helping Your oddler Love Tem ight 151

Chapter 11: More ips or Eective and Brie Communication

with Your oddler 161


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CONTENTS

Chapter 12: Car Etiquette (and Places to Avoid Visiting) 171

Chapter 13: Breakdown o Popular oddler rends, rom Amber

Necklaces to Jeggings, and Why You Should Avoid Tem 183

Chapter 14: Green Snot: How to reat Your oddlers Illnesses 195

Chapter 15: Te Long Hello: Birth 201

Chapter 16: Good imes: Vacationing with Your oddler 207

Chapter 17: Parents and Teir Dangerous Vices: Learning

Sel-Control 213

Chapter 18: Potty raining Simplied/Eliminated 231

Conclusion: Youve Come a Long Way 237

Aferword by Bunmi Laditan 239


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1

Introduction

Name: Honest oddler.

Status: Not potty trained, not trying.

Age: Tis many.

Likes: Cake, running, shows, games, and red drink.

Dislikes: Naps, bedtime, unsolicited eye contact, quinoa, pants,

and all orms o discipline.

I you are holding this book in your hand, whether you bought it

with money or just picked it up and ran to the car, youve made a

good choice. oddlers are misunderstood and the one in your lie

is probably disappointed in you. Read this book i you want to get

better at what should be your number one priority: making your

small child happy.Dont skip pages, this isnt a bedtime story (yeah, we know)

but a manual that will revolutionize your lie. Youre welcome in

advance.

P.S. Grandmas: Youre doing great. Keep it up. (Love you.)


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1Why Did You Do That?:

The Ins and Outs of Toddler Behavior

and How to Leave It Alone

Listening ears, gentle hands, inside voices. I youre an adult, youveprobably used these terms three to our hundred times in the last

ten minutes. Question: Do you know what minding your busi-

ness means? It means letting your childs spirit remain ree. Your

number one responsibility as a volunteer caregiver is to keep the

unbroken crackers and ull-strength juice coming. Rather than try-

ing to x your blessing, you should try to understand your sweet

babys behavior so that you can provide more attentive customerservice. Tis chapter is dedicated to helping you become a better

unpaid intern to your toddler.

Tantrums

Teres a very dirty word that is commonly used to describe the

mild outbursts o emotion that toddlers display rom time to time.Tat word is ANRUM. Not only is this descriptor condescend-

ing, it releases the party responsible (you) or said tantrum.


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THE HONEST TODDLER

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Wrong: Oh, Mayas just throwing a tantrum. Lets stand here with

arms olded like despots and wait or it to pass.

Right: Maya is lying on her back in this crowded restaurant,

screaming and trying to kick everyone within roundhouse distance.

I wonder how I ailed her?

Do you see how language creates toddler bias? From now on,

well be throwing the word tantrum in the metaphorical outside

trash and replacing it with loud response.Last week I shared a loud response in our local Linens n Tings.

Dont be conused by the name o this retail outlet. Tere are no

Tings. Just Linens. Afer orty-six hours o wandering this textile

purgatory, I elt a volcano erupt in my middle back. Te last thing I

remember is trying to rip an Egyptian-cotton duvet with my teeth

and releasing my bowels on a couple o crushed-velvet throw pil-

lows beore running or my lie. My behavior was a response, nota random occurrence.

Parents, i you wish to gain the respect o your toddler, the rst

thing you need to do is own your mistakes. For instance, i my par-

ents and I had been at the toy store eating delicious and nutritious

ice-cream sundaes, like Id asked, we could have spent the money

that went toward those pee-pee pillows on the new toys I desper-

ately need. Do you see?Research: Go out into the eld and observe loud responses

rsthand in order to get a sense o why and how they occur. A pop-

ular place or scouting is the grocery store between our and ve

thirtyP.M. While youre most likely to nd an outburst occurring

in nearly every aisle, or the best lessons, visit the cereal/snack/chip

lane. Te market is a land mine or parent/toddler conict due to

overuse o the dirty word NO. Also, most people dont realizethis, but green vegetables emit a eld o negative energy that con-

tributes to the sadness and rage children eel while ood shopping.


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Why Did You Do That?

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Combine these actors with post-nap conusion, coupled with a

literal wall o delicious but unavailable rened carbohydrates, and

yes, you guessed it: loud response.Right now youre asking yoursel, Wait a minute, why dont

these parents just open a box o Ritz crackers right in the grocery

store so their child will be happy? Whats wrong with that?

Nothing. Teres nothing wrong with that. It is only the stub-

bornness o adults that prevents them rom tearing apart a box o

cereal at both ends so their child might have the strength to make

it through the late afernoon.Tey say pride comes beore a all. In this case, it comes beore

loud and, honestly, quite impressive responses on behal o tod-

dlers around the world. Parents, dont ool yourselves. Loud

responses cannot be prevented by inCARceration. Its airly easy

or an experienced toddler to erupt in emotional pain and low

blood sugarueled angst while secured in the ront hal o a shop-

ping cart. Our arms are ree to slap. Our eet can still connect withyour kneecaps. Our heads can roll around in gure-eight orma-

tion while we release screams so gut-wrenching that strangers cor-

rectly assume youre doing it all wrong.

Te only solution is to open the Goldsh, yogurt (eating yogurt

with hands is okay), or amily-sized package o licorice right then

and there. Te evil voices in your head might be whispering things

like Dont give in, dont cave. Silence the chatter and bring yourawareness to the present. And buypresents. Buy them or your

toddler. Shower him with ood gifs.

One o my avorite loud responses to watch is the one that takes

place when a parent tries to prematurely remove a child rom the

park. Everyone knows that we have an obesity epidemic on our

hands, so why not let your budding athlete exercise until afer

the sun has gone down and the prime-time television lineup hasbegun (thats the real reason youre going home, isnt it?). I admire

children who literally go the extra mile by engaging their parents


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THE HONEST TODDLER

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in a mad chase around the play structure to prevent the scoop n

go. In my mind, I scream Run, Forrest, run! as Mom or Dad tries

desperately to catch their sprinting young gazelle. Its a beautiulthing.

Outbursts are not to be eared. Teyre to be prevented, and

only you have the power to do that. Te next time you think about

walking out o Starbucks with a grande nonat extra-hot hazelnut

mocha or yoursel and no giant chocolate-chip cookie or your

patient cherubesque darling, consider the consequences. Are you

ready or a throwdown? Because we are.Note: Loud responses are between you and your child. ak-

ing photos or Facebook or discussing them with other parents

is unnecessary and a violation o privacy laws. Bringing up a loud

response long afer it has occurred is emotional abuse. Once the

squall has passed, wipe the sweat o your ace and move on.

Homework: Go to the grocery store with your child at five

thirty P.M. When the loud response starts, scream, EVERYONE

SHUT UP, I NEED TO HELP MY CHILD. Then open four large

bags of chips and a juice box. Let your child feast.

Deadweight/Going Boneless

Adults, do you enjoy running errands? Tats antastic. Go on your

own time. Tere isnt a toddler in the world who wants to accom-

pany you on a thirty-six-store whirlwind o boring. Te worst part

about running errands is that actual running is discouraged. And

were never rushing out to pick up Popsicles or glow sticks; its

mostly dry cleaning and cupboard liners.You already know that loud responses are your ault. Tere is

another toddler phenomenon that you bring upon yoursel. Dead-

weight, otherwise known as Going Boneless, is when your toddler


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opens a valve within his or her brain that converts hard bone miner-

als into bubble gum and increases body weight by 70 to 80 percent.

Activating deadweight is very simple. Every toddler has hisunique style, but I preer a straightorward approach.

How It Starts

1. Slow motion: Your toddler will begin walking as i each step is

physically painul. I like to thrust my shoulders orward, caus-

ing my knuckles to graze the ground.

2. Verbal indicators: Im tired. I cant walk. Did you hear that?You are now at a crossroads. Smart parents will immediately

pick up their toddler and nd the nearest Cinnabon. Stubborn

parents will soon be humiliated in public. Saying things like

Cmon, lets go, were almost there eels like a slap in the ace

to the child, who you say means something to you.

BAM! Itll be sudden. Youll look back and spot your child onthe ground. First, youll be shocked; your eyes will dart around to

see i anyone is watching. Oh, trust me, they are.

I love the way parents always try to act like they cant believe

what theyre seeing. What? My otherwise obedient child is lying

on the sidewalk like a discarded yer? Heavens, no! LOL, youre

not ooling anybody.

ime to make it right.

Heres What NOT to Do:

DO NOT try to pull your innocent child up by one arm unless

youve been dying to visit your local emergency room and

explain to the nurses why babys arm is dislocated. You like jail?

DO NOT contort your ace like a Disney witch and angry-whisper in your childs ear. You look unnier than you could

ever imagine. But nobodys laughing.

DO NOT make wild threats, because you sound crazy.


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THE HONEST TODDLER

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When toddlers Go Boneless, they cant hear the world around

them. Only harps and angels. And the angels are saying, Stay down,

baby, stay down. Dont bother making ice-cream promises. Its toolate or that. Te only solution is to airlif your toddler out. Your child

is no longer capable o using her muscles. You broke them when you

broke her trust. Be sure to support your toddlers opping head.

Remember: Tis is your doing.

Homework: (1) Practice running errands online. (2) Next time

youre out of the house and your childs legs stop working,

immediately rush to his side and pick him up. If you have too

many bags to hold or a stroller, leave everything in the street.

Listening Ears

I youve ever asked a child in your care to put on his or her listen-

ing ears, this section is or you. Even i your intentions are pure and

you need your toddlers attention or the purpose o asking what

type o cake to prepare or lunch, its time to throw this insipid

term out the car window.

Beore writing this chapter, I interviewed a prominent pediatri-

cian. Afer she was done poking at my bare stomach (lawsuit pend-ing), she revealed to me that listening ears do not exist. You might

eel like a ool. Tis is normal. Forgive yoursel and keep reading.

Lets get to the heart o the matter. When you ask your toddler

to put on ake ears, what youre really trying to say is LISEN

O ME RIGH NOW. Surprise! Your toddler hears you. He or

she is just practicing what we in the toddler world call selective

acknowledgment.Your child probably does not have a hearing problem. Teres

no need to snap your ngers close to your kids ears and watch or

corresponding blinks. We can hear you; we are just not interested.


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Allow me to set the scene: Youre in the kitchen sweeping up

nothing and decide your child is having too much un in another

room without you. Loneliness hits you in the ace, and you beginto yell your toddlers name over and over like some kind o enti-

tled oghorn. Nothing happens, so you morph into Quasimodo

rom Te Hunchback o Notre-Dame and storm into the amily

room, where your child is building the most beautiul block city-

scape the world has ever seen. Standing ve eet away rom your

uture award-winning architect, you loudly say his name over and

over. Anger rises in your rail body when your toddler doesnt eveninch. You suddenly realize how annoying you sound and walk

away.*

Wrong Question: Why is it that my child seems to block out my

voice?

Right Question: What am I saying that is so ofensive/irrelevantthat my child has no choice but to ignore me?

Tere are our conversation topics that will always cause you

to be on the receiving end o selective acknowledgment. I being

heard is important to you, avoid these topics. Lie is so easy.

Four No-No Convos1. Meal Calls

Noah, its time to eat more quinoa or sh larvaewho knows,

because they look exactly the same. ali, wash your hands or

lunch, even though these shrimp tacos will probably cause you

more physical harm than germs will.

I the breakast, lunch, or dinner youve prepared smells good

enough, you wont need to bark an announcement. Selectiveacknowledgment is a cue that you need to throw away the stued

*oddler-approved ending.


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THE HONEST TODDLER

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cabbage (why?) and dial 1800 Plain Cheese Pizza. Do not expect

your toddler to come running or a casserole that looks like a waste

o cheese and smells like a bouquet o resentment. Say it with me:toast.

2. General Check-ins

Felix, what are you doing in there? Felix? Felix!? Stephen, your

silence indicates that youve ound something interesting to do.

Please conrm or deny, because I say so.

You sound so needy, you have no idea. I you, the adult, ndyoursel in a room dierent rom your child, it is your responsibil-

ity to check to make sure all is well. During their rounds, prison

guards go rom cell to cell. Te inmates arent required to scream

verbal assurances all day while their captors browse Pinterest or

wine-cork crafs. ake the .01-mile stroll. Bring a water bottle i the

distance proves too taxing.*

3. Formalities and Greetings

Robert, come say hi to Aunt Betty on the phone. Your riends

are leaving your birthday party, Rebecca, come say goodbye!

What? No. Just no. Tese people will survive without a orced

smile, wave, or salutation. oddlers know that adults spend 80 per-

cent o their lives pretending to care about people who matter very

little to them (Facebook), and were committed to avoiding a sim-ilar ate. I you wish to extend words o ake kindness to a person,

do so, but dont expect your toddler to look up.

4. Transitions

Hey, Isabella, drop everything and break the concentration youve

built up since orever. ime to try something new and probably

undesirable. Teres nothing a toddler hates more than the next

*So lazy.


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thing. I your end goal is to change tasks, even i its rom gluing

beans on a piece o paper to gluing pinwheel pasta on a piece o

paper, please prepare yoursel or, at best, selective acknowledg-ment or, at worst, a loud response.

When you notice your special toddler engaging in selective

acknowledgment, get excited, because it means she is most likely

very gifed. You may be tempted to put a hand on your childs

shoulder or do an upper-arm grab to get her attention, but really,

thats bordering on assault. I assault is part o who you want to be,

by all means.Teres even more good news. Selective acknowledgment has a

partner skill known as hyperawareness. I can hear someone open

a bag o chips through seven solid brick walls in the middle o a

thunderstorm while sleeping. Please hold your applause.

Important note: You may have noticed an extension o selec-

tive acknowledgment called the blank stare. Savvy toddlers use

the blank stare as a way o letting you know that they are notconnecting with your inormation or that they have temporar-

ily abandoned present reality or a more entertaining dimension

within their psyches. I blank-stare at least three to ve times a

day. It DOES NO help to crouch three inches rom your childs

ace and repeat your query ad nauseam. I your childs eyes are

glassy and her mouth is slightly agape, know that you are very

important and your message will be answered in the order it wasreceived.

Inside Voices vs. Outside Voices

Outside voices win. Te end.

Homework: Stop acting like you know everything.


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the honest toddler: a child's guide to parenting by bunmi laditan

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