the garden of eden provision

8/9/2019 The Garden of Eden Provision

1/39

Chapter One

Im not really sure where to begin or even how much is too much to reveal. Make

no mistake that this story, my story, is a declaration of guilt. All the dirty things Ive

ever done and the struggling souls I could not help. Over the years Ive met enough

priests to know confessions are best left anonymous. Nobody should feel obligated

to label their sins with a name.

In the spirit of obscurity all names except my own have been changed.

I guess everything, that is everything I can remember, started with this signal

thought: so tired

The thought takes place inside a yellow car. Dont ask me the type of car but it

mustve been impressive. The staff does prefer luxury.

This girl, the stupid girl I had once been, sits inside the car and presses her

forehead against the window. Over and over her breath steams and then disappears.

She has yet to realize that her past is written in finger paints, vague and

distorted. There are no carved stones; instead the different colors bleed into each

other, vanishing in and out into oblivion.

Im so tired

This stupid girl cannot describe or even discern the thing pulling her, warning

her to leave. Shes helpless in the need telling her to fumble back into the fading

sunlight.

Fading, she repeats, somewhere in the middle between thought and speech. And

fading holds inexplicable significance.

No more forgetting!

I am I have a name


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Darkness consumes life in The Before, the life of defeat and mistakes and

unbearable tragedy.

The After is everything else.

Inside the car this girl strains for an answer, any answer. She concentrates on

filling blank spaces.

And then the car stops.

And the door opens, Here we are Alice! I know youll be very happy here.

This girl (Alice)walks out. She looks at the man for the first time.

Hes tan, lean and striking in appearance, handsome in the way suntanned and

clean people are typically. A long black overcoat reaches the knees of his tan linen

pants. Most recognizable is the way he carries himself on his feet, the arch of his

neck, the casual way in which he closes the door after the girl steps out.

The only way to comprehend Alices apprehension regarding him is to think of

how youd feel upon a trusted guardian flashing bright teeth in a kind smile before

noticing the twinkle of a knife behind their back.

Beautiful, isnt it? He continues, Youll be learning here.

The place shes been brought to is called School. Ivy grows along the walls,

around sweeping bay windows. Three stories of solid brick arms outline the

driveway as if the manor is enticing you to enter, appreciate its glory.

Students form small clusters together outside the front lawn. A few playingchess, eyes narrowed at the dim lighting provided by a signal street light in the right

corner of School near the lake, most lounging with their backs against the schools

brick walls or arches, three boys playing baseball.


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Alice watches the boys. One catches the ball in his glove and tosses it to another.

The other catches it and pitches to his left.

Back and forth. Over and over.

What the mind doesnt recall the body does, a voice in Alices thoughts.

Soothing. Not her own.

Come on inside! The man laughs, putting an arm around this stupid girls

shoulders and ushering her forward. Alice pulls her eyes away from the three boys

and dutifully allows herself to be led.

An obliging student pushes off the brick wall to open a side of the double doors.

Thank you Leon! Alice why dont you give Leon your shoes? There will be no shoes

permitted inside School walls.

Alice glances at the mans loafers and obeys.

She runs her feet through the plush red carpeting running through School. Her

gaze is drawn to a large painting nailed to the center of the stairway, a painting of an

elderly woman with white curly hair, eyes piercing and smug from her stairway

lined position of paper.

The man is prattling eagerly, I want you to meet your roommate. This is Clara,

and Clara this is Alice. You should show Alice to her dorm room as she has yet to

pass the first qualification round. Clara, sweetie, be sure she stays in her dorm.

Clara taps Alice on the shoulder. She takes in the distant eyes and wraps her

arms around Alices shoulders in a parody of affection tarnished by her heavy sigh.

Alice is no longer compliant. She shakes the hands off her shoulders and walkers

slower, attempting to register her surroundings. Clara walks beside Alice and they

pass:


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1. Library and Alice walks a few cautious steps inside. Its beautiful, plush

red carpeting extending inside and shelves stacked so high with books that a small

rolling ladder is required. Long desks, shining with mahogany furnishings just like

the ladder and chairs.

2. A woman bathroom

3. Rows of dorm rooms

Alright, this is our room. She, what is her name?comments and Alice shuts her

eyes. Sleep is a mere great opening that is gratefully submerged into and her last

thought is of her own name.

In the dark she is freed peacefully, inevitably, and she smiles.


5/39

Chapter Two

When Alice opens her eyes to a tranquilly painted bedroom there are two

defining details that tell her this isn't right:

One, she can't remember how she got here or what occurred proceeding her arrival.

Two, the way the room is too perfect to be real- everything from the paint of the

ceilings to the faultless lake viewed from a tiny window above a lone chair.

Alice stands slowly, cautious, presses her hand against the window.

Youre new, a voice says.

Alice whirls away from the window immediately, bracing herself. The voice

belongs to the girl from And the recollection wipes away.

Im a student, Alice replies in replayed words, body still taunt.

Have you realized yet? The girl repeats, They said youre new.

Dont listen to Clara. Another intervenes, pushing Clara inside, My names

Kayla. Your name is Alice- She turns to Clara, Her name is Alice, right?

Dorm rooms are composed of two bunk beds and a bare mattress lined

together, closet, chair and window. Only settle colors- the undemanding blue of the

covers, simple red of the carpet and consoling purple of the walls. Plain, neutral

colors and students find comfort in the familiarity of it all.

I dont know what theyre thinking by giving us a freshman, we should have

been graduating soon and now we got this, Clara mutters before stealing Alices

bare mattress.

Kayla smiles and there is no joy in the action, just the simple upturn of lips.

With that painful slash of teeth Kayla tells the other to stand.


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Go away.

Kayla kicks the mattress so it shakes, The first rule.

Leave me alone. Clara rolls to her side, You can play wet nurse so long asyou get me before she has a realization.

The closet- Kayla pauses and lets the sentence drift.

Alice lifts her feet one at a time, her feet tired but too agitated to consider

sitting.

Everything in the closet belongs to you now. Kayla continues, You should

change.

Clara asks, You sure youre new?

Alice intends on speaking when Kayla interjects, Of course shes new.

I asked Alice.

Alice answers, I think so.

That proves it. Clara is carefree, seemingly by the declaration of Alice being

new and sits with her weight on both forearms, You freshmen always act like youre

on the best drug trip before you realize.

The freshmen from before- Kayla is saying, The freshmen from before, whatd

he look like?

Hewas a she and boarded with us.

No, it was a he, I remember. He didnt board with us and he was younger than

me, wasnt he?


7/39

Whatre you talking about? I cant really remember her but at least I can

remember that she boarded with us. I mean how do you remember her if she didnt

board with us? They wouldnt stick us with a boy.

He was young so Doctor Tiller let him board with us. Kayla insists, and maybe

she wouldve been intimidating if not for her small stature.

Youve passed the qualification rounds and you think they put a boy in our

dorm room? They have a boys wing, you know.

Alice pulls at the hem of her shirt and glances at Clara and she notices, as Clara

locks her gaze, the different colored eyes. One a greenish brown and the other like a

blue dolls eye.

Clara pushes a strand of hair away from the glass eye, the mutiny of her pretty

face.

At the moment Alice looks away she notices the dark smudge of black soot stuck

to the fake blue eyes eyebrow and it makes her unaccountably sad.

This is yours now, Kayla affirms, stifling a yawning.

Clara snorts.

Belonged to someone else, Kayla continues, voice scrapped thin. She stares at

the closet for a long moment before hastily opening the parted doors.

When the trunk is opened Kayla reveals the School uniform. Navy tights, plaid

navy and red skirts, white button-up shirts identical to their own. Alice traces the

numbers stitched onto her shirt: 7-3-22

Only staff members are allowed to give School information because if we tell

you everything wed be planting memories into your mind. Kayla kneels by the

trunk again, Dont worry. The first day is always the hardest.


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To forget, to move on is to be free! Alice thinks, folding the shirt back into the

trunk.

The second day is always the hardest. Clara speaks sharply and intends to cut.

The first day is all new and youre drugged up to the eyeballs onwhatever-the-hell

and second day youve gotta face the day totally sober.

Kayla sucks an impatient hiss through her teeth and takes out a pair of grey

sweatpants and plain brown shirt, You can change from those clothes since they

look a little dirty. Teachers provide us with clothing but this will be plenty enough to

get you started.

Clara lies back down and stares at the ceiling. Dont you understand? We dont

know if we agreed to this, we all-

Would you care to be on that medication again or forgotten like our old

roommate? Kayla says, pleading, Stop talking, please, I cant handle it anymore.

In response Clara turns away, pulls her feet up and puts her forehead onto her

knees, arms locked tight around her shins.

Timidly, Kayla reaches out, lays a hand on Claras shoulder and Clara jerks away.

She lets one foot bump the offered hand gracelessly away.


9/39

Chapter Three

Students think School used to be something else. They can never be certain.

Most clich stories involve the woman painted on the portrait, floating objectsand an indefinite little boys disappearance. Some say it was a girl. They all have

their own theory about the connection between the Painted Woman and her

staircase lined position of power.

Nearly all of them agree that it was a student and all agree that the child

(because it was most certainly a child) drowned in the lake.

Its a common belief that the lake is the power beneath the school that Doctor

Tiller controls it (or that hes controlled by it) and all the forgotten memories are

stored inside the lake. This means that forgotten roommates, like the student Kayla

and Clara boarded with prior to Alices arrival would also be stored inside the lake.

The lake is the punishment for getting caught trying to remember The Before

because doing so violates the second rule: forget The Before.

The first rule is directly supportive of the second: report anyone trying to

remember.

There are only two rules, and to graduate there are only two qualification rounds.

You must first forget.

Nobody who has yet to pass the second qualification round knows what you have

to do. All everyone really knows is that you cannot leave on your own. You must

leave with your roommate or not at all.

Alice listens to her roommates argument about the Painted Woman in hushed

tones after a teacher walks inside the room and tells them lights will be dimmed for

bed.


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The next day Alice doesnt have classes. The day is called weekend and tomorrow

she is told will also be weekend. The weekend is at the end of the week.

End of what? Alice had asked and her roommates ignored the question.

The three also do not wander outside their dorm room. Clara discusses their new

freshmens realization eagerly.

You can be our sister after that, Clara explains, You can really only do

anything after your realization.

I wont do anything thatll get me in trouble. Alice means to state it as a fact but

it comes out a distressed appeal.

Youve gotta touch my glass eye.

Alice grimaces, says nothing.

Three Doctors come to check on Alice. She is progressing, Doctor Tiller

remarks and presents a pink capsule. For the nerves, Tiller says absently, in that

strange paternal tone of his.

Alice considers him, realizes she knows him from the yellow car.

Clara grins wickedly, Might as well get it over with and make em the color of a

sunrise? Claras real eye on the left side of her face is filled with. An emotion Alice

cant understand, an emotion caught between hatred and genuine joy, and it

frightens her more than shell care to admit.

Doctor Tiller chastises, Now dear, havent we cured that attitude of yours?There is no mistaking that dearis used as a curse.


11/39

After Alice swallows the pink capsule and receives a placating smile from the

overly sympathetic woman doctor for her trouble, Clara tells Alice that Doctor

Young is supposed to break everyone. Shell never break me. Doesnt matter how

hard she tries!

They all help us. Kayla looks so accusatory its almost funny, such small face

scrunched up tight.

Clara frowns like Kayla just called her stupid.

All he does is help us and you should show him some respect, Kayla continues,

eyes continuously monotonous.

This is when Alice realizes Kayla is younger than her. She cannot differentiate

age however she can distinguish the smallness of Kaylas figure, how tiny her palms

are compared to Claras and her own by how close they share the bottom bunk.

In any other (situation, life, world) School the senior would be considered an

exceptional child. Composed of all too skinny limbs and dull red hair, green eyes

that would be endearing if not for the fact that they are always peering upward, liketheir dreading what nobody else can see.

Clara wouldnt use the word exceptionalto describe Kayla, thinks more along the

lines ofshe knows so much wont tell me how to leave this school should be able to

leave School by now.

Clara fidgets too much and talks even more. In contrast everything Kayla does is

in considered takes, preferring silence to sound, stillness to motion. During the timetheyd been together, somewhere along the way, they started filling in the spaces

between the others way of operating.


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Bullshit. He breaks us, but not me. All those doctors, especially Young and

Tiller, need to understand that some of us have more sharp edges than most.

Doctor Tiller dragged us from The Before and he has the power to take away

The After. If we forget, well move on and be free.

I want to be able to think about the bad things Ive done everyday.

You chose this.

Under Doctor Tillers command there are two other doctors. Doctor Young, who

smells of grass and chooses her words carefully. She looks at Alice like she is asking

for help, or like everything is wrong.

Then theres Doctor Lane, who is a call me sir look at me while Im talking sort

of guy and is not impressed by Claras noncompliance turned into a form of celebrity

status among several students. They all recognize Clara as trouble, which Clara

relishes.

A small number of students love Clara for being different and not forgotten.

However students know you must leave with your roommate, and most of the

student body hates Clara for the very reason that she has not been forgotten and

that the third roommate before Alice has succumbed to the lake instead of Clara.

The life of a student is a life with appalling, distorted logic.

Always behind doctors is a shapeless mass of teachers. A few conduct classes,

most just walk around School. They can be either gentle as blankets or firm as

tyrants.


13/39

Welcome to School.


14/39

Chapter Four

Alice opens her eyes to the ceiling. It is when she tosses the blankets to the sidethat realization hits her.

Realization can be best comprehended as a frozen iron ball in the pit of your

stomach consuming from the inside out. The swirling frost of thoughts is chaotic

and without form under the onslaught of unrelenting emotion. No thoughts are

clear in realization and the nameless slices into the mind like tiny razor blades.

Afterwards, coldness claws at her and something like fingers scratch into her hair,

pawing what she imagines to be ice out in strands.

Fading is messy,Alice thinks.

The fear of cold forces Alice to open her eyes. The initial brightness becomes

bearable enough that she discerns a shape in the corner of her vision.

A hand, the girl realizes. The fingers are white and thin like a corpses fingers.

Blinking, realizing the fingers are pointing at her. Pointing at her and Death puts

a hairbrush down.

Whatre you doing?Alice says, or thinks, Dont look at me.

Death stares at her.

Alice closes her eyes at the brightness of it all, clamors tears behind shut eyelids .

She manages another glimpse behind a vision blurry with tears. Death leaves and

Kayla closes the door.


15/39

It turns out that the realization is from being strung out on medication that is

intended to calm students after erasing their minds and relieve them into the

process of forgetting. It is given only once and almost kills Alice.

Children have to remember that they know nothing, its a general conclusion. At

least a day or two on medication gives you the opportunity to build a few memories

before you realize theirs no past beyond to recall.

Five days after the realization Alice remains weak, trapped in skeletal madness.

Alice starts seeing numbers crawling off the walls. There are figures walking

passed her room and she counts them. Tries to keep track of how many teachers are

in school and adds, subtracts, divides, multiplies all of them by hair color or eye

color or nothing at all.

During morning check-ins Doctor Young shows disproval by shaking her

head.

Alice tells the Doctors that the pink pill only leaves a rotten taste inside her

mouth. She doesnt mention the lack of ability to keep food in her stomach or how

sleep is even further away than The Before. She says nothing about the unknownhaunting her most in unoccupied moments, mostly when she closes her eyes and

theres nothing to do except think, and how it skitter slithers through the darkness

like little white deaths.

Now that is for us to decide. Doctor Tiller replies, We only want what is best

for you. Most students feel the desire to occupy the emptiness of their thoughts

through other ways. In two days youll begin classes with the other freshmen. Youll

be just fine, dear. After you show some improvement we can stop giving you these

pesky medications.

They give her another pink pill.


16/39

Alice strains to forget about an existence beyond the dorm room. Doctors,

teachers, Kayla and Clara make appearances and once they disappear they walk

through the space only to reappear again in stretches of counting.

The next morning Alice is the last to wake up, as usual, after a teacher knocks on

the door. She only gets out of the covers once the teacher brings their breakfast on a

tray.

Kayla tells Alice that she isnt a morning glory.Alice realizes this likely means

she stays in bed longer than the rest, hopes that collecting the plates at the end of

every meal and handing it to the teacher makes up for it.

This breakfast is usual. Clara grumbles over soggy toast and cold eggs, Kayla

smiles with the same bleak eyes. Sullen as usual, Clara tells Kayla she wears a very

good mask.

Only difference this morning is that when Alice hurries down the hall to the

womans bathroom she accidentally meets her own image in the reflection.

Alice doesnt blink, shocked, as she takes herself in. She leans in closer to the

mirror; examines deflates brown eyes with bruises underneath.

Is this me?Alice brings a hand to touch the cool glass. Her heart picks up pace

and she breathes deeply, greedily. Go away Death.

Worn out and blank, like realization has drained her away.

To forget, to move on is to be free!

No!Alice digs fingernails into Deaths reflection. She hates being this; she hates

the school, all of it.Life shouldnt be this. She wonders what life is.

It sneaks up on her, Deaths long claws of desperation and hopelessness around

her heart.


17/39

A shell, youre a shell. Hollow and empty. You are Death.

Alice brings a hand up and meets her own brown eyes, watches herself run

fingers through brown hair.

There must be a way to not be a shell. I wont become Kayla. I am not Death.

Alice nods again, assuring herself and her reflection and Death that she can be

better. Maybe washing the slate clean, beginning again, overlooking The Before is

how to be better. Then again maybe its by creating her own world of freedom.

Either way, shell take a shower and will never again see this layer of filth.

Alice steps away from the sink, smiles. She experiences genuine hope and distant

optimism. Unintentionally, a girl walks in and becomes part of the experience.

Alice nods again to her reflection.

The girl who walked in waves back.

Later that day, Alice leaves the dorm room to wander outside for the first time.She ends up ripping grass from under the brick arc with Clara. By unspoken

agreement they separate themselves from the other students.

What are we supposed to be forgetting? Clara wonders, lying down on the

lawn.

Alice responds, I tried not to think about that but now I dont see the why I

should not be thinking. She counts 53 empty-shells, 106 hollow eyes, thinksIm notthem. Goodbye Death.

There are only two rules in School, you remember them?

Alice reads Claras numbers stitched neatly across her shirt.


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The first rule is to report anyone trying to remember.

So we cant talk about The Before? She brings her knees to her chin. Young and

innocent, vulnerable, is how she feels in the position. This bothers her and she lays

back. And arent you planting memories in my head by telling me the first rule?

Just dont get caught, Clara doesnt speak in a whisper, like their sharing a

secret, but her voice still reminds Alice of splinters of her refection.Glass,Alice

thinks proudly,I will never forget glass.

Clara, calls someone. His dead eyes are blue and he sits close to Clara. Will we

be seeing each other this weekend? He pushes a curl of hair out of her face.

I have no memories of you.

You dont remember me? He tilts his head, You keep failing the second

qualification round.

Clara watches him walk away, motion to another girl. The replacement girl

smiles and takes his hand. Clara shrugs because Alice is looking at her strangely.

Whos that?

Dont ask questions beginning with the letter w or teachers might catch us.

Okay, Alice asks, You dont remember him?

I mustve failed the last qualification round. I fail them a lot, Im told.

Last qualification round?


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Qualification rounds are tests, if we pass two we have graduated.

Alice processes that and wonders aloud, How do you pass the first?

All you do is forget and start classes regularly. I dont know what the second oneis because I keep failing. Kayla would be able to leave if I didnt keep failing. You

cant leave without the other people in your dorm room leaving because you walk off

school grounds together.

Why did-

Do you remember what I said?

Sorry, why did you want me to have my realization so much?

Clara sighs, and Alice is about to question that when she answers, It makes you

one of us.

Do you remember the girl from before I came here, the one who had my dorm

before me?

Clara stares at her with undisguised irritation. Offended, she snaps, How wouldI remember? I passed the first qualification round. The last qualification round is

what I cant pass. She says, I have to go.

Where?

Where? Clara parrots, she shakes her head.

Alice brushes her forehead against the grass and thinks.


20/39

Chapter Five

There is a faint hum of white noise. Cautiously, the girl cups her palms over her

ears. Inflamed eyes scan the room- rows of endless chairs with rust stained legs

occupied by uniformed students,Im in a classroom?

No desks or windows. From a distance this strikes her as odd, shouldnt class

have books, for one thing, and why no desks or windows?

Thwack!

Alice flinches. A double-length ruler comes out of nowhere, Are you sleeping in

my class?

Nervous laughter glides across the room. You can imagine the dread of the

teachers ruler slamming against Alices desk as unexpectedly going deaf- clapping

hard, loud, once and not being able to hear the sound like a heart breaking.

The look the man throws around the room is anything but funny. Alice is too

preoccupied with the varied order of bricks composing the ceiling and walls, the

uneven wooden boards of the floor.

Excuse me 7-3-22, but dont you feel you owe me an apology?

This stupid girl does nothing but stare. The ruler is being held by a man, brown

button-up shirt and tie pristine blue, skin unmarred white, silver hair carefullystyled back.

Like dressing Death, is what she thinks. Because its undeniable that teachers are

all the same, ranging in age and sex but all looking akin to walking corpses and its

only worse up close.


21/39

Alice isnt prepared to have the teacher grab her shoulders, angry veins traveling

thin and green under paper skin, and exclaim, I asked you a question!

Only as quick as he grabs the students shoulders does he let go, drops the ruler

with a shattering clank and brushes a palm over his hair. I apologize 7-3-22, but I

did ask you a question. Didnt I class?

An echo, Yes sir!

What? Alice asks, clipped and irritated. Thinks all Ive done is sit. Where am

I?

He kneels, lips so dry they are almost purple pulling into a smile. Death the

teacher, Alice corrects herself,smells rotten. Its a sweet scent, not too strong, but

noticeable in his breathe. I suppose you wouldnt be minding the lecture. This is of

no surprise considering which dorm room partner you chose to associate yourself

with.

I wonder how long it will take you to fully surpass the first qualification round.

Alice cringes when the puffs of air hit her. I hope you wont be dragging Kayla down

along with your inevitable failure.

We all have to leave together,Alice considers Claras words. She repeats the first

rule in her mind;I wont forget the first rule. No trying to remember, report

anyone trying to remember.

Alice limits her breathing. The scent has wrapped itself around her and its as if

her skin is repulsed, going tight over bones.

The man stands and walks away a few steps to pick up his ruler. Now7-3-22,

He gestures with the ruler, I wonder if there is enough power in that minuscule

brain of yours to have listened to the proper etiquette when answering student

laws.


22/39

Alice gives a cynical little nod of promise. An action, that she is certain, would

make Clara proud.

Heres a hint- it begins with standing in front of the classroom.

Theres no telling how things will proceed. Alice strains to think what occurred

after walking back to her dorm room, before the buzzing in her ears. There is a sense

of belonging, which doesnt fit at all, because standing in front of the classroom all

she can currently feel is the shock of a cold surface under her bare feet.

Shes counting students in the front row, attempting to pull her mind together in

front of the class.

We are waiting, Teacher demands more than proclaims and Alices becomes

aware enough to meet the intensity of his gaze.

Alice nods.

The teacher grimaces in revulsion, Would you care to give your presentation?

My presentation?

You are aware, of course, that the law of students is a presentation. The student

laws in front of the class,presented, if you will. Am I being clear?

I dont remember- anything,Alice thinks serenely, to forget, to move on is to

be free. The recited thought briefly relaxes her.

Please recite with the most appropriate answer corresponding with the

question. Teacher commands, What are you?

Im a student.

The teacher clicks his tongue disapprovingly against the roof of his mouth, gives

an impeccable shake of his head and asks who she is.


23/39

I-

The answer does not begin with that word, 7-3-22,you are numbers. And until

you earn your name, until you pass the first qualification round, we cannot look

beyond those numbers.

Kayla passed the two qualification rounds. Thats how she earned her name.

Clara and I are numbers.

The girl thinks of her reflection in the mirror. She hadnt known it then but she

had been deciding.

She wonders if it would be easier to simply let everything happen. Allow School

to make decisions, the pathway to a new life. Students certainly make it look easy.

Or they wouldve made it look easy if, on those few days Alice came to force herself

into the roll of being a student, taking the daily pink capsule and asking no

questions, were nothing except difficult.

Maybe if Clara didnt fight so hard shed have fallen into the roll absolutely,

walked in the small footsteps of the senior child.

No,Alice shakes her head. And then there it is- a memory of walking out sitting

at a desk, a memory from The Before that pushes at the inside of her skull and

words on notebook paper. The words are mine. I liked to write.

And its selfish; 7-3-22 realizes this. Because she does want to create her own

world of freedom, she truly does; however beyond that is only an excuse to notbea

student.

Teacher nods, Return to your dorm.

After the two seniors return from their lessons they take in Alice, sprawled on

her bare mattress, and another nameless teacher sets a lunch tray down.


24/39

Do you have memory gapes? Is how Alice greets them, Like big memory gapes, I

mean. It happened to be today.

Clara bites into her sandwich, Thats what forgetting is about, right? Big

memory gapes. I can remember my hobbies, favorite foods, bikes- youll remember

all yours soon enough.

The important things, Kayla finishes, People and even the name you had

during The Before, and this is what youll always forget.

I need to remember people, Alice watches her tray unappealingly.

Should eat something, Clara says, gathers the crumbs on her plate and licks her

fingers clean. There gonna put you on a drip if you dont eat. It goes right into one

of your veins, looks painful. The Doctors made me wear one right after I got

here.

Kayla piques, Really?

For awhile, I remember. You dont?

I guess I remember a little.

Ill eat, Alice replies, envisions electricity. Shes comforted by the image even

more so than the familiarity of her door room surroundings, pretends that

imagining electricity will give her the ability to zap anyone who comes too close.

Did I see electricity here or in The Before?

Alice imagines often. She rarely does anything. Usually all she does is think. Inthe nature of fairness Ill mention that thinking takes a surprisingly amount of

effort.


25/39

You dont want to do on the drip, Alice. Kayla confides, leaning close from her

bottom bunk and twirling a strand of hair around her thumb. Its unsettling and

Alice wouldnt be able to explain that its a sick parody of childhood sleepovers;

however she certainlyfeels her stomach churn.

Ill eat dinner. Too close, Alice realizes and says, Actually Ill eat all my

breakfast.

Im playing chicken tonight, Clara snatches a handful of fries from Alices plate,

sits on her bed. Playin chicken with Danny.

I hate that you do that. Kayla replies, I should report you.

Alice looks suspiciously to where the numbers are notsewn on Kaylas shirt,

Why dont you?

Shes my roommate. If she gets caught breaking the rules then I get in trouble,

same as you. I would report her if remembering The Before wasnt such a huge

crime.

Whats the second rule? Alice directs her question towards Clara, The first one

is to report anyone trying to remember.

You told her the first rule! Kayla exclaims under a whisper, and the action

makes her appear pitifully infantile. Thats cheating Clara! What if the teachers

notice-

Im not stupid, okay? I dont plan to get caught.

Thats what you said last time! Her voice takes a hysterical pitch, and she

stands like shed going to knock Clara away from the door and confess to a teacher.

Sit down and stop yelling.


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Kayla stands with bright eyes that will always know too much, see too much, old

eyes and Alice wishes fleetingly to put numbers on Kaylas shirt.

Instead Alice sits, accomplishes nothing, heart beating overtime. She tries not to

beam at Kayla for this, more proud than she can really articulate. Proud that Kayla

has shaken the copy of Death.

Not like I- Clara looks like she wants to yell and strike out, visibly resists and

adds quickly, I wont do that again. Dont you think I wish I didnt get the last

roommate- wild gesture, puts her palms over the space between the space which

functions as an entrance and exit, bowing her head outside.

Alice examines Kayla, waits. Waits for what, shes not sure, and Kayla takes a

seat on the bottom bunk and Clara eventually slumps to the floor.

I want you to be an official member, Clara says, a bit too loudly, hunched over

her own knees on the floor.

Alice doesnt think shes being spoken to until Clara repeats herself, meets her

eyes, looking more Clara and alive.

Clara says, Youll be my family if youre an official member.

Our family, Kayla corrects, the hint of resignation in her eyes returning her to

Death.

I wont do anything thatll get me in trouble because teacher is already mad at

me.

Playing chicken will get you in trouble but this wont. Clara pulls out of her

slumped pose, All youve gotta do is touch my glass eye.

Alice stands, reaches out a finger without hesitation. She touches Claras blue

dolls eye. Its hard and cool, reminds her about her reflections touch and the

opposite of Deaths claws all at once.


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Welcome to the family, the girl thinks smartly, watching Clara laugh.

You never told me the first rule.

The second rule, you mean. You know the first rule.

Kayla answers, The second rule is to report anyone trying to remember. Thats

the punishment for noticeably trying to recollect The Before, you get

forgotten.


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Chapter Six

Clara uses a fork swapped from one of the teachers tray against the dorm

window frame. The wood only crumbles slightly before she gets a proper grip,

dragging the metal points across until it finally slides up slightly, letting out a sound

that resembles the hint of a sigh.

She gives a laugh through her nose. Easy, Clara murmurs, triumphant. It says a

lot that after sticking her fingers at the bottom of the frame and lifting up, she

doesnt look back and quickly scrambles outside.

Alice asks, You really think its too risky? And is surprised by how pale Kaylas

face is, paler than she ever remembers it being and perilously close to tears.

I dont care, Kayla declares, staring at the floor. Make your own decisions.

Alice scrambles after Clara.

Theres definitely a long moment of awkward silence while Alice timidly brushes

grass from her pajama clad knees. A tall figure examines her under thick-rimmed

glasses, abruptly laughs, his form (curly hair cut so short the strands can barely

twist dark skin) illuminated by the street lights rays.

This is as scary as

Me? The figure laughs, and in the low light he appears malicious.

Alice avoids eye contact.

Leave her alone, Danny. Clara says without conviction, Shes family and I

want to play chicken.


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Danny shakes his head, still smiling. I suppose shell go first.

How do we play? Alice whispers, voice low and content. She feels free, alive,

eyes wide in the darkness.

Youll go first. Clara affirms, Just go close to the water.

Surprised, Alice informs, You didnt answer my question.

Trust me, Clara lays a comforting hand on her shoulder.

Careful, Danny warns, stepping closer to place a palm on the other side of her.

Are you sure she wont-

Remember, Alice, if any of us make too much noise then we get expelled. If we

get expelled then we all are forgotten.

They are at the edge of the lake, the air curling and juddering, as though they are

all underwater and theres a current passing through the space above and between

them.

Alice thinks of the coldness brought by her realization and she jolts away fromthe hands touching her. Let go! She hates herself, hates them. Hates with a feeling

shes certain to have never ever felt.

A flicker of a smile crosses Dannys lips and he runs a hand over his face. Dont

be scared, okay? Trust me, youre family, nothing bad is going to happen.

Alice doesnt struggle away from the firm fingers locking over her wrists, and its

only after shes shoved into the water that she screams.

Its the cold that Alice notices first. So cold its painful, different from the

realization in the way that it covers down to her neck, wet protest of hurt that gets

into her eyes and burns everything it touches.


30/39

Flash of something, realizing, and a liquid that seems to seep around her brain.

Instinctive struggles become weaker. Thicker now, heavier pain and it passes into

her skin, and there it hurts.

The beginning of a memory, foggy little boys smile, a worn videotape that

repeats soundlessly forwards again.

Smile of a boy, wide and sincere. You have to knock before you enter my

room. Someones telling the little boy, and he nods and then shakes his head.

Aunty says its a rule.

Flash of knuckles knocking against the door.

Thats what they call it, a door. She clings to knowledge she has already known.

She clenches in panic The little boys name is Dread and she cant feel her limbs.

I lost the little boy.

Running, happy, birds nest in a tree.

Hoisted upwards, sprawled on the grass. Smack against the head, Tell us before

you forget. Hasty voice, stings on her face. Tell us!

Little boy, Alice whispers, gasping, straining to open her eyes. I was happy

with the little boy.

There was another life, a semblance of good in The After. A life with the little boy

who had a name, the laughter shared with the little boy that is light years away from

where she is now- a world of fatigue and filled with pain.

Dannys hand lands on Alices forehead, heavy and cold and Alice wants to pull

away, blood turning to ice in her veins and sour taste of anger in the back of her

throat.


31/39

We should get her back to the dorm. Danny says, I think we had her under for

too long.


32/39

Chapter Seven

Alice is staring at her bare feet when she walks inside the classroom, nails raggedand pink skin underneath exposed by her guilty picking.

Shes glances at Teacher; relieved he is facing the blackboard and then

brings her attention to avoiding the careless splinters that compose the floor.

Its at the exact moment that Alice chooses an unbalanced back row seat

that Teacher speaks, 7-3-22, Alice sits up straighter at the sound of familiar

numbers, Tell me what I have written.

Alice stammers a little as she reads, Fortune of students.

Yes, as you are all very fortunate. To forget, to move on and be free. This

is a gift that not even staff or Doctors are given. A gift that only the mind of children

and teenagers can be manipulated into. 6-12-05, Id like you to show the others how

to give a properly state the student laws.

Yes sir, the answer comes from the front row. A short boy, face oval

shaped and chubby, stands, takes a few steps so he is near the entrance and faces

the students.

Please recite with the most appropriate answer corresponding with the

question. Teacher puts down his chalk, What are you?

The answer comes mechanically, Nothing.Kaylas eyes,Alice thinks,

Deaths eyes.

Who are you?

No one.


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When will you become someone?

When a name is given.

Very good, you are dismissed for the day. Alice might have thought6-12-05to be an empty shell if not for the misery wreathed around him, evident by his

slumped shoulders as he leaves the room.

7-3-22, I wonder, are you capable of giving a decent presentation? It isnt

anything less than an invitation and even more than that. This is her one

opportunity of forgiveness- nobody can forget the lapse she had before, especially

not the teacher.

Silently, Alice follows the other students path, standing just where she

thinks he stood before. 1, 2, 3,Alice counts her heart beats, because if she forgets

and lets herself go, she will end up doing something that would cause her to be

forgotten.

What are you?

Nobody, the boy had said.No one.

Teacher smiles with his lips pressed together, the veins contracting his

chin bending into a frown, Still trying so hard to resist? You so easily do what your

misguided roommate believes to be right, and for what?

The words sink down to Alices bones. The teachers voice, their words and

the tone leaves Alice a little dazed. She concentrates on Death to remind herself why

she is doing this.

For the truth, Alice responds, fists tightly clenched, Its all for truth.

Shes surprised when Teacher actually laughs, benevolent and

condescending. Now we all know that isnt right, dont we class?


34/39

Yes sir, replies across the room.

Why are we here, class?

Response faultless with joy, To forget, to move on is to be free!

Yes, to be free. To be without the guilt killing you, the person you could

have been, the person you can be now. Teachers tone is half speech, half song,

tracing out pulse in a discordant tune. The path you have chosen can shift, and

when it stretches beyond repair-

Teacher startles her by laughing, gestures cheerfully towards the door.

Alice feels warmth gather in between her fingers and leaves.

Its only a dab of dried blood, and Alice picks at it alone on her mattress.

She digs deeper into her wounds, short nails not doing much damage, spreads the

little red around her palms.

Im alive, Im alive, Im alive,words hummed out differently than the

teachers unsettling melody. The person I could have been, the person I can be now.

It doesnt make sense. How can the person I couldve been be the same person that

I can be now?

Really, it doesnt make any sense. Teachers song is nothing but

contradictions.

This life is false. The existence inside School isnt right. She hates the

students who allowed Death to become their existence, pities only Kayla, the

youngest she has seen. She detests them for having no thoughts of their own,

emotions passed down from Doctors and enforced by teachers.

Alice wont live with them. She wont surrender herself to the roll of a

perfect student and inevitably allow herself to die with a dwindling, devastating

whimper.


35/39

Shell die bravely, stupidly or heroically, either way.

Chapter Eight

Claras spreading butter on her toast with her fingertips when she announces, I

want you to be part of the family.

Im already part of the family, Alice says eventually.

Claras eyes narrow. She stands, abruptly, like someones shoved her forward.

What- Kayla trails off and says, So easy to repeat conversations, isnt it?

I knew you were part of the family. Clara nods, I knew it. Im going to class

early.

Clara walks away, still nodding.

Shes passed the first qualification round. Kayla says, Why is she still

forgetting when shes already passed the first qualification round? Its the second

one she cant pass.

Alice stands, intending on following Clara. In the short period of time the twogirls had become close, told each other faults and concerns, contemplated The

Before and the rigid rules which by not following had been them outcasts.

Alice whispers softly, so softly as if the words could break, Have you ever played

chicken before?


36/39

No.

I think we should play chicken tonight.

I dont play chicken, Kayla repeats, sounding hurt.

You should-

Even if I did you cant play tonight, its too risky to play two nights in a row.

Kayla swallows, glimmer of tears in her eyes. Clara isnt supposed to be forgetting

any new information anymore. Shes already passed the first qualification round

and you dont forget new information after you pass the first qualification round

unless-

Alice leaves, tries to find Clara. She skips class that day to stay in the dorm and

wait for her.

After Kayla leaves this stupid girl closes her eyes. Her shoulder is being shaken,I

fell asleep?

Wake up Alice, please Alice. Someones saying, Alice wake up!

Alice, wake up! You have to wake up. Alice can feel the persons pulse when she

reaches out blindly and wraps her fingers around a wrist. One, two, three, four-

quick and Alice thinks shes never heard her name said so many times in a

conversation, or sentence.

She doesnt think shes ever heard someone speaking in that tone either,

panicked and youd think the words would be rushed or quick like Claras pulse.

Instead the panic is slurred and slow, even hushed.

Clara, Alice responds automatically and feels more than watches Clara shaking

her shoulders through eyes opened in tiny slits. She cant seem to stay awake and

repeats Clara to show shes trying.


37/39

Dont go to sleep Alice! Please, there gonna put me in the lake. They already got

Danny, hes gone! Im going to be forgotten like him. Youre the freshmen from

beforeAlice, they made us all forget you once but I remembered! I remembered and

they somehow no I remembered and now Ill be forgotten.

Youre okay, Clara. And she lets her eyes fall shut.

Alice wakes up the next morning in freezing. She stays there for a moment, lying

down and trembling, breathing out clouds of frost.

The next thing she does is stand and look around. Around her the walls glisten

enchantingly with frost, over the empty metal shelves and the yellow bulb hanging

vigilantly by a few wires.

Its very quiet.

She kneels, the soles of her feet clinging, trying to separate herself as much as

possible from the painful and unyielding floor. Only in pajama bottoms and a loose

shirt and none of that gives her any warmth, and she shivers so hard she nearly falls

over.

Help, Alice tries to shout, discovering that her tongue doesnt seem to work

right.Im going to die here!

Help, she tries again, lungs burning with every breath. She thinks is this what

happened to Clara?And shuts her eyes against the harsh yellow light.

She starts feeling warmer, just a little, and the shivers lesson.

Im asleep?Alice thinks she might be sleeping and she might not be sleeping, it

doesnt really matter. Shes warmer, though, and thats good.

Alice, a voice says, soft and gentling. Do you want to return to school?

Alice nods,please, please, please.


38/39

I need you to say it, Alice. Tell me you want to return to School.

Theres a pause and the cold hits her and she thinks her teeth are going to rattle

out of her head. My n-name, She manages to stutter, wondering if shes awake

now.I need to get off the floor! Unresponsive, her body lays like a corpse to the

floor.I dont want to die.

The voice returns, You have a name to me, Alice. My students are everything to

me. Tell me you were happy at school and you can return.

What are you?

Anything you want me to be.

Nobody leaves School, do they?

I want you to be happy. School has no death and no mistakes. You can start over

for all eternity.

Alice feels heat traveling over her forehead and cheeks. She tries to clench her

fingers, theres no feeling in them. It looks ridiculous, that she was so afraid of

corpse fingers and now she has them herself and Alice chuckles. Then she shudders,

a wave of lethargy threatening to shut her down.

The smell, Death- some of the kids-

Souls are eternal, bodies are not.

You burry us alive in that lake.

Then leave, The voice says suddenly, kindly, and warm wraps around her

damaged hands and grips them tightly, all heat and strength. Are you happy, 4-1-

91?

I want my memories.


39/39

Are you happy?

No.

Chapter Nine

I wake up on the grass, dampness soaking through my pants and theres

someone gasping beside me, as if to remind me Im alive.

Where are we? Clara asks beside me. Wheres Kayla?

I dont know.

I think I remember who I am.

The sun is strong and I say, I remember my name.

the garden of eden provision

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