Website: www.compassionatefriends.org Page 1

Toll Free Phone: 877-969-0010 Email: nationaloffice@compassionatefriends.org

Copyright ©The Compassionate Friends, Inc. All rights reserved. TCF National Office: PO Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696

Upcoming Meetings

05/29 – Meeting (Memorial Day)

06/26 – Meeting

07/31 – Meeting

New Ulm Area Chapter meets the last Mon-

day of each month except December. (2nd

Sunday of Dec. with Candle Lighting.)

Where: Redeemer Lutheran Church, 700 S.

Broadway, New Ulm, MN

When: 7pm-9pm

The printing of this newsletter was kindly sponsored by Darlene and Clint Nelson in loving memory of their brothers, both Ronald.

THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS

SOUTH CENTRAL MINNESOTA CHAPTER

Supporting Family After a Child Dies

Volume 36 Issue #2 New Ulm, MN May, June, July 2017

INSIDE THIS ISSUE

1 Upcoming Meetings/Mission Statement

2 Reflections

3-4 Love, Missed, Remembered Always

5 Stillbirth, Infant, & Miscarriage

6 Poems & Quotes

7 Article: A Mother’s Day Letter

8 Father’s Day Poem & blog article link

9 Article: “Answers to the Grief Question, ‘How Are You?’”

10 TCF National Conference & Chapter

Info.

11 Love Gifts

12 Contact Information

Mission Statement: When a child dies, at any age, the family suffers intense pain and may feel hopeless and isolated. The

Compassionate Friends provides highly personal comfort, HOPE, and support to every family experiencing the death of a

son, a daughter, a brother, a sister, or a grandchild and helps others to better assist the grieving family.

Darlene’s brother Ronald Clint’s brother Ronald

Page 2

Dear Compassionate Friends,

Spring has sprung and summer is fast ap-

proaching. How you wish your grief season

would end and the season of joy would

begin! Where is the growth and beauty in all

this mess, you wonder? Friends, it’s there.

Though you don’t see it, growth is happen-

ing. Those black skies will recede, and you

will be surprised when one day you notice

color again. You will smile softly as you

glance at your child’s photo and, in proud

amazement, realize you didn’t crumple into

tears in doing so. There will be a morning

when, inconceivably, you wake and your

child is not the first thing on your mind. None

of these things is betrayal. It is growth. It is

healing. It is strength.

Perhaps, like me, after your child died you

thought, “I don’t want to be stronger. I was

fine just the way I was, thank you very

much!” But here you are. You’re still alive.

You’re surviving. And you are stronger. Your

empty heart has, like winter, given way to a

new season.

Healing happens so slowly in this grief jour-

ney that we don’t often recognize it. Be-

cause, you see, healing isn’t really an option,

is it? A wound must heal. For what is the al-

ternative? To remain bitter? To stay infected

with anger, our grief resembling gangrene?

Our children would not want that. We honor

our child’s memory when we reconnect with

life and share their memory and our love for

them with others.

Spring will soon turn to summer, and our

grief, too, will slowly give way to new growth,

to healing, and to reminiscing of our beloved

children with tears and smiles. As summer

approaches, may the memories of our child

warm our hearts and fill our days.

The Thing Is

by Ellen Bass

to love life, to love it even

when you have no stomach for it

and everything you’ve held dear

crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,

your throat filled with the silt of it.

When grief sits with you, its tropical heat

thickening the air, heavy as water

more fit for gills than lungs;

when grief weights you like your own flesh

only more of it, an obesity of grief,

you think, How can a body withstand this?

Then you hold life like a face

between your palms, a plain face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes,

and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you, again.

Blessings,

Angie, New Ulm Area CF Newsletter Editor

Mom to Matt, age 16 (5/2-7/29)

REFLECTIONS

Page 3

Loved, Missed, Remembered...Always

Christina 16 08/22~05/30 Doug & Joan Freyholtz Fairfax

Paul 46 04/21~05/02 Bryan & Claudia Klages Good Thunder

David 49 02/01~05/20 Marilyn Noren Mankato

David 21 06/12~05/04 Don & Maureen Sandmeyer Mankato

Tim 32 05/05~05/31 Joe & Chris Steffl Mankato

Susie 20 11/02~05/23 Charles & Rose Kunz New Ulm

Amber 16 05/31~05/09 Cliff & Linda Vaske Nicollet

Piper Jo Stillborn 5/24 Mike & Kim Woodford North Mankato

Shelby 6 08/29~05/26 Jared & Becky Juliar North Mankato

Jared 19 04/09~05/31 Scott & Linda Peterson Sleepy Eye

MAY

Kaylie Hogue 24 07/16~06/05 Jeff & Shelly Hogue New Ulm

Scott & Deb Hadley Sleepy Eye

Liam Kelly 22 02/17~06/30 Wayne & Wendy Kube Arlington

Sean & Becky Kelly New Ulm

Christian 30 04/03~06/16 Ted & Connie Domeier Fairfax

Ricky 17 02/02~06/02 Rick & Kim Holmquist Gibbon

Chris 42 12/22~06/20 Curt & Karen Bosacker Le Center

Emilio Jr. 20 05/11~06/06 Emilio Sr. & Mirna Campo Madelia

Ben 29 08/08~06/25 Duane & Luanne Boomgarden Madelia

Mason Minutes 06/21~06/21 Jamie & Jodi Meister Mankato

Hannah 4 12/11~06/17 Justin & Jenny Kozitza Mankato

Anneka (Nikki) 39 06/16~06/26 Lon & Jacqueline Nagel Mankato

Kendra 13 05/01~06/26 Tim & Brenda Leibfried Mankato

Ethan 2 08/22~06/13 Dean & Kathy Alfred New Ulm

"Jake" 14 03/30~06/02 Mike & Joan Forstner New Ulm

Lauren Nicole Stillborn 06/13~06/13 Blake & Patti Schaper New Ulm

Eric 24 01/29~06/28 Jeanmarie Seibel North Mankato

Barry 21 10/11~06/14 Rich & Karen Johnson North Mankato

Jonathan 25 11/01~06/11 John & Barb Ladd Sleepy Eye

Mike 42 05/28~06/15 Renate Tesrow Sleepy Eye

Gary 16 08/24~06/28 Patti Lacrone-Telford Springfield

Joshua 21 02/27~06/21 Scott & Crystal Dahmes Springfield

Jacquelyn 48 02/01~06/24 Vickie Johnson

JUNE

Page 4

Loved, Missed, Remembered...Always

Trey Hunstad 21 03/17~07/09 Kathi (Charles) Travaille Good Thunder

Daron (Susan) Hunstad St. James

Quentin 15 04/30~07/03 Mark & Jackie Lieske Henderson

Paul Beneke 40 11/27~07/25 Eunice Rucks Henderson

Teresa Block 52 01/08~07/12 Linda Stevenson (sibling) Madelia

Robert 30 04/16~07/08 Sandra Davis Madison Lake

Matt 16 05/02~07/29 Tim & Angie Cherney Mankato

Erica 21 11/06~07/02 Gerald & Julia Rieger New Ulm

Walter, Jr. 31 06/22~07/05 Alice Rewitzer New Ulm

Andrea 28 02/18~07/21 Bruce & Carla Butcher North Mankato

Ashley 19 02/17~07/13 Robin & Bernadette Schendel North Mankato

Wyatt 6 06/20~07/02 Cheryl Deming Morgan

Wade Deming Sleepy Eye

Scott 19 01/28~07/20 Doug Murch St. James

Nickolas 9 03/31~07/30 Joe & Sharon Wersal Winthrop

Rob 18 02/23~07/21 Rhonda Stenzel Winthrop

Thank you to United Way of the Brown

County Area for continued financial

support for our local chapter's use.

If there are any errors on the “Loved, Missed, Remembered Always” page, please let me know! Errors are certainly not

intentional and can be corrected. Please contact me to correct any mistakes or preferences for listing your child. I sincerely

apologize for any errors.—Angie, newsletter editor

BIRTHDAY TABLE

Birthdays are given special recognition at our monthly meetings. During your child’s birthday month, you

are invited to bring photos and other memorabilia to share with the group and display on our Birthday

Table. Some like to bring a favorite snack or treat (even birthday cake) to observe their child’s birthday.

JULY

New Ulm CF website: http://tcf-sc-mn.org/

The Compassionate Friends of South Central MN Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/compassionatefriendsouthernmn/

Page 5

Stillbirth, Infant, and Miscarriage Loss

Do you have a favorite poem, article, or quote you’d like to see in the newsletter?

Please email Angie at: tiggerandbug@gmail.com

WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT THE EMPTY SWING

What can I do about the empty swing

Or the heartache I feel when others sing

The song she loved above all the rest

Or eat the custard pie she liked best

Or smell roses she planted one spring?

What do I do with the years to come

Which must now belong only to some

But not to her who I loved so much

Whose beauty I can no longer touch?

Whose goals and dreams are left undone?

How can I force all the world to see

Life’s fleetness and its fragility

That is the unique beauty of falling flake

Or the red shadows cast by day’s break

Happen but once in reality?

I can write songs for others to sing

About the miracles of each spring,

The soft surprise of a sudden rain,

Or rabbits playing along a lane.

But what do I do with that empty swing?

Marcia F. Alig, TCF Mercer Area Chapter

Posted on March 16th, 2017

(Poem taken from The Compassionate Friends e-newsletter,

March 2017 edition)

Hours

TURN INTO DAYS.

Days

TURN INTO YEARS.

The memory

of your precious child

NEVER DISAPPEARS.

-Jeannie Sousa

YOU NEVER ARRIVED IN MY

ARMS, BUT YOU WILL NEVER

LEAVE FROM MY HEART.

—Zoe Clark-Coates

Page 6

Poems & Quotes

Grief, I’ve learned, is really love. It’s all the love you

want to give but cannot give. The more you loved

someone, the more you grieve. All of that unspent love

gathers up in the corners of your eyes and in that part

of your chest that gets empty and hollow feeling. The

happiness of love turns to sadness when unspent.

Grief is just love with no place to go.

—-Jamie Anderson

http://allmylooseends.com/2014/03/lights-wink/

PENNIES FROM HEAVEN

I found a penny today

Just laying on the ground.

But it's not just a penny

This little coin I've found.

Found pennies come from heaven

that's what my Grandpa told me.

He said Angels tossed them down

Oh, how I loved that story!

He said when an Angel misses you

They toss a penny down,

sometimes just to cheer you up

To make a smile out of your frown.

So don't pass by that penny

When you're feeling blue.

It may be a penny from heaven

That an Angel's tossed to you.

Author: Copyright © 1998 C Mashburn

I don’t want someone to look at my life and

only see the devastation. Instead, I want them

to look at it all and see, wow, yes. It has

sucked. Wow, yes. The world has caved in a

time or two, but no matter what, there is

always hope. There is always love. There is

always kindness and goodness. And they never

stopped holding on.

Yes, my life is a little crumbly. But never

once do I want to say that I have done

anything but give all I have, live fully- -

without fear, love without restraint. It’s up to

me to frame the perspective that people will

see my life in. At first glance, it’s a life of

pain. I’ll show them it’s so much more.

SCRIBBLES & CRUMBS

Page 7

A Mother’s Day Letter to Grieving Moms—By Shelley Ramsey

Hey Grieving Mom,

You wish Mother’s Day didn’t exist, don’t you? You have buried a precious child, and your arms ache to hold him. Of all days, you especially want him with you on Mother’s Day. You want to celebrate that you carried, birthed, and nurtured him. You want to bask in who he has become, not recall who he was. You long to see him alive and whole and want to inhale the scent that was only his. I know. I get that. Forget the cards, flowers, and chocolate. The gift you long for is to have him walk through the door, throw his arms around you, and say as on-ly he could say, “Hi, Mom.”

I know your heart bleeds and your empty arms throb. I know that there is no greater sorrow in all the earth than that of losing a child. I understand why you might avoid public Mother’s Day celebrations, and instead visit the cemetery to see your child’s name written because no one speaks it anymore. And after lovingly planting a kiss on the cold stone that is his grave, you gingerly trace each letter of his sweet name with your finger, don’t you? Say his name brave-ly and boldly today, mom.

You are extraordinarily grateful that your surviving children breathe and wake up every morn-ing yet live in constant fear that they too will be taken too soon. And if you are with them, you hug them extra tight as you plead with God to keep them safe and healthy.

Sweet, brave mama, you are not going crazy. You are courageous. And you are going to be okay. You’ve survived the unimaginable and managed to crawl out of bed yet again today. You are spectacular. Never forget that you will always be his mom.

And you know what? It’s okay to skip church this Mother’s Day and to lunch at a restaurant out-of-town to avoid awkward greetings and conversations. Likewise, cry a little harder, hide out at home, or be as public as you want to be. This is your Mother’s Day. You do what you need.

Since your precious child is not here to tell you, please allow me: Happy Mother’s Day, Mom! You are wonderful! You are brave! You are beautiful! You are loved!

Article can be found in entirety here: http://www.shelleyramsey.com/a-mothers-day-letter-to-grieving-moms/

Mother’s Day

Page 8

Read the blog post: “Facing Mother's Day & Father's Day with a pit in your stomach”

by Tim Nelson at the link below:

http://fathersgrievinginfantloss.blogspot.com/2010/04/facing-mothers-day-fathers-day-with-pit.html

(Tim’s book “A Guide for Fathers—When A Baby Dies” is available on Amazon.)

Page 9

Answers to the Grief Question, “How are You?”

By Harriet Hodgson

In 2007 four family members died: my elder daughter, father-in-law, brother, and former son-

in-law. My daughter Helen was the mother of my twin grandchildren (one boy, one girl) and

died from the injuries she received in a car crash. The twins’ father died from the injuries he

received in another crash. His death made our grandkids orphans and my husband and me

guardians. Suddenly, we were GRGs, grandparents raising grandchildren.

The twins were 15 years old when they moved in with us. We couldn’t believe what had hap-

pened to us and the twins couldn’t either. “Hollywood would reject this story,” a friend com-

mented. “It’s unbelievable.” Grieving for four family members and raising grandkids was the

biggest challenge of my life. Thankfully, I knew that recovering from grief was up to me.

I began to dread the question, “How are you.” Grief is confusing and I didn’t know how I was

feeling. Most of the people who asked the question expected me to say “fine.” But I wasn’t

fine and overcome with grief. In self-defense I came up with five answers to this question.

• I’m fine. This is the answer I used early in my grief journey. It was the answer people want-

ed to hear and I said it to avoid conversation.

• I’m okay. I liked this answer because it fit all people and situations. Besides, okay is a com-

mon American term.

• I’m getting along. I used this answer in the middle stage of grief. It implied progress and

seemed to satisfy people.

• I’m coping. Finding the courage to say this took me a year and a half. I only used the an-

swer with close friends.

• I’m good. Ten years have passed since my daughter died and I am good. Although I’m not

living the life I thought I’d be living, it’s a rewarding life.

Today, the twins are 25 years old and involved in their own lives. My granddaughter works for

The Salvation Army in St. Paul. She is also an independent photographer. My grandson is a

freshman at the Mayo Clinic School of Medicine. He will be the third physician in our immedi-

ate family. I’m so proud of them I could shout their praises from roof tops.

Grief can be a transforming emotion and it transformed me. When I get into bed at night, I

know that I made good things from grief. You can too. Start by testing the answers to “How

are you?” Give to others, even if you have little to give. Make quiet part of each day and listen

to your soul. Try to live mindfully. Remember, love never dies and is always with you. Hard

as it is to believe now, the day will come when you feel happy again. You deserve it!

Article is taken from The Grief Digest Magazine online: http://www.griefdigestmagazine.com/

magazine-articles/article/2017/03/27/answers-to-the-grief-question-how-are-you-

Page 10

The Compassionate Friends National Conference

The Compassionate Friends is

pleased to announce that Orlando,

Florida, will be the site of the 40th

TCF National Conference on July

28-30, 2017. “Rays of Sunshine,

Oceans of Hope” is the theme of

this year’s event. The 2017 Confer-

ence will be held at the Hilton Or-

lando Bonnet Creek. Details are on

the national website as well as on

the TCF/USA Facebook Page. Join

us for this heartwarming experi-

ence. Click here for online registration. Pre-registration will be

available until July 7, 2017. Please note: while on-site

conference registration will be available, the Friday

lunch and Saturday dinner is only available with pre-

registration. See the TCF national website for workshop

and other information.

South Central MN Chapter Information

Chapter Founder: Darlene Nelson, 507-439-6302 and

Barb Netzke

Chapter Leader: Judy Kastman, 507-359-2737

Chapter Co-leaders: Bernadette & Robin Schendel,

507-388-3126

Treasurer: Karen Johnson, 507-387-7129

Newsletter Editor: Angie Cherney, 507-386-7535

Steering Committee: Darlene Nelson, Judy Kastman,

Karen & Rich Johnson, Bernadette & Robin Schendel,

Angie Cherney, Arla Tande, LuAnn Boomgarden

TELEPHONE FRIENDS

When you need to talk, they are your listening ears…

ACCIDENTAL/SUDDEN DEATH: Karen & Rich, 507-

387-7129; Bernadette, 507-388-3126

ILLNESS: Arla & Jerry, 507-642-8420

ONLY CHILD: Phone friend needed!

INFANT LOSS: Phone friend needed!

CHILD WITH SPECIAL NEEDS: Phone friend needed!

SIBLING LOSS: Darlene, 507-439-6302; Arla & Jerry,

507-642-8420

YOUNG CHILD LOSS (Age 12 & under): Phone friend

needed!

SUICIDE: Judy, 507-359-2737

WE NEED YOUR HELP!

Our chapter is looking for help in different areas.

Please contact Angie (tiggerandbug@gmail.com, 507-

386-7535) or Bernadette (507-388-3126) if you can

help with any of the following:

—- Be a telephone friend

(This requires one to be available at any time for be-

reaved parents who need to talk.)

—- Manage our chapter’s Facebook page

(This requires very little time. You would post applica-

ble grief memes, links, articles, chapter information,

etc., once a week.)

Page 11

The Compassionate Friends is a non-profit self-help organization. We have no dues or fees. We function with the

help of our “Love Gifts.” These are given in memory of a child by parents, siblings, grandparents, other relatives,

friends and caring individuals and organizations that wish to assist with the work of TCF. These gifts may be mon-

etary, books, CD’s, time and/or talents. We are blessed to have rent-free meeting space provided by Redeemer

Lutheran Church, New Ulm. United Way of Brown County Area covers our newsletter cost: paper, postage, label-

ing, printing and the Non-Profit mailing stamp, etc.

With warm thanks to Redeemer, Brown County Area United Way, and the following:

Kay and Don Grams ......................................... in memory of Margie Paulson

.......................................................................... in memory of Jerry Ahlness

Donna Ahlness ................................................. in memory of Jerry Ahlness

Karen & Rich Johnson ...................................... in memory of son Barry

Judy & Lee Kastman ..................................... .. in memory of daughter Laura

Darlene & Clint Nelson .................................. .. in memory of son Mike/brothers Ronald Tabatt & Ronald Nelson

....................................................................... .. in memory of TCF friend Jerry Ahlness & sons Warren & Steve

Willy Osgood .................................................... in memory of son, Gerard

Bernadette & Robin Schendel ....................... .. in memory of daughter Ashley

Peggy Sundell .................................................. in memory of daughter Ann

Arla & Gerald Tande ......................................... in memory of son Kurt, daughter Wendy, & friend Blake

Other expenses include tissues, ink cartridges, tape, labels, coffee, napkins, cards, new member packet items,

incidental postage above newsletters, snack goodies, candles, etc.

LOVE GIFTS

I really appreciate you,

Your helpful, giving ways,

And how your generous heart

Your unselfishness displays.

I thank you for your kindness,

I will not soon forget;

You’re one of the nicest people

I have ever met.

By Joanna Fuchs

THANK YOU TO OUR LOVE GIFT DONORS:

Website: www.compassionatefriends.org Page 12

Toll Free Phone: 877-969-0010 Email: nationaloffice@compassionatefriends.org

Copyright ©The Compassionate Friends, Inc. All rights reserved. TCF National Office: PO Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696

The

Compassionate

Friends

Supporting Family After a Child Dies

What is Compassionate Friends?

We are a self help, not-for-profit organization for bereaved parents, siblings, and grandparents. We offer group support, friendship, and understanding. Our purpose is to promote and aid families in the positive resolution of their grief experienced with the death of a child, and to foster the physical and emotional health of these bereaved families.

Our Goals - – to offer support and understanding to any sorrowing parent/sibling/grandparent. – to listen with understanding – to provide a caring and sharing group. – to give cognitive information on the grieving process through meetings, library resources, and

newsletter information. – to provide acquaintance to other bereaved families whose sorrow has softened.

Regional Coordinator:

Cathy Seehuetter

7884 Irish Ave. South

Cottage Grove, MN 55016-2072

651-459-9341

More Information?

Local Leader:

Judy Kastman

1119 16th South St.

New Ulm, MN 56073

507-359-2737

Newsletter Editor:

Angie Cherney

116 Bittersweet Lane

Mankato, MN 56001

507-386-7535

Email:

tiggerandbug@gmail.com

Non-Profit Org. U.S. Postage

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56073 South Central MN Chapter, New Ulm

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