Post on 22-Jan-2017
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Dedicated to an unnamed love
..There were You and I in Jerusalem.
And there were a lot of ghosts floating around
interfering with things
with their cerebral plasma.
Ghosts from your childhoodghosts from mine although mine were
mostly dealt with.
3 years in Alanon
after I recognized myself in the book
Women who Love too Much
Healing workshops where I was told that
in my past I was a very powerful witch
and that I still had great powerto do either
great harmor great goodand I choose good
and a thesis on Bowens Differentiation of Self within the Family using
my own family as the triangle players
and a working plan to de-triangulate and to gain a differentiated self
that worked had all contributed to my ability to
Be Here Now
That and my left handedness and my learning how to switch
almost at will from the left hand side of the brain to the right.
Oh the beautiful right! Whered Id lived almost exclusively
from birth until the age of 21when I started talking.
Before that Id been a treeFEELING A SENSE OF ONENESS
FEELING A SENSE OF WHOLENESS because
in the right hand world time does not existThere is only NOW.
And words do not existbutpoetry doesand
musicandgetting from here to there can be
And the senses are so enhanced The poetry paintings
painted from your eyes and your ears and your tongue
are positives of Van Goghs sickness
and no LSD (Life Support Diodes) needed to be on the Trip.
And there I was in the NOW embodying what I called
The Indifferent Joy, embodying a Joy that could not be effected by an
external event or person.
Then I went to collegeand
had to talk.
But this was much laterand
There were You and I in Jerusalem.
You with your ghosts and me with
my memories of ghosts.
Before the book Woman who Love Too Much and Alanon
Id ruined a perfectly good marriage
by not dealing with my ghostsby not
knowing or acknowledging that these ghosts existed.
I was the casebook woman who tried to love and be married by
making an exception to the man that I was withby entrusting him with my heart and
my lifewhen I didnt trust men or like men(with good reason as a child)
And my husband didnt help. Doctor Saleh. He tried to be a HEROthe man who
Never told a lie
That WAS hard to live with. It was like living with a cardboard cutout
who had all of his negative feelings repressed and ironed out.
Needless to say there was never any conflict in the house andnever
any resolution to those non-existent conflicts.
Well by the time you walked into The National Diamond Centerand
OUR EYES METas they sayviolins madly sawing away
I had re-emerged as a woman who had met head on and dealt with
my frightening alcoholic father, my frightening alcoholic uncles
and my severeand non-loving grandfather.
Id come to like and even love men in general
and evenhad more men friends than woman.
And then you walked into The National Diamond Centerand
OUR EYES METand I wasso
utterly unprepared to meet
THE MAN WHO LOVED TOO MUCH.
There should have been a road sign posted at the intersection
where the crash occurred
BE PREPARED TO STOP
The eyes say it all
Yes, the eyes say it all
and there you stood
your deep and luminous eyes
shining out at me.
Maybe if Id of known what was coming
I would have runbut
Instead I felt an answering smile
welling up from the depths.
Oh, where are these things born from?
And we then proceeded to have a
passionate love affair for the next two years
without it once getting physical
in spite of my best efforts.
I should have known from thatthat
something was very wrong.
Well, that and your numerous stories of all the destructive bitches that you had met
and married anywayif not over and over againwell, than quite a number of times.
And you just kept staring at me like I was the Goddess on Earth.
I mean I was, but what did you really want?
Because of the lack of touching and holding, and to be blunt about it Fucking
my natural healing abilities, my right hand side of the brain side
went berserk with intensified feelings.
I couldnt hold you?
So what was the answer.
I developed telepathic abilities with you.
I could pass messages to you from 3000 miles away.
I wasnt allowed to express my love to you?
I probably developed a general Shine Onto the World in general.
A lot of men fell in love with me at this time
both living and dead.
The more that you loved methe more that you seemed to shy away..
even turning your eyes away from me at times
when you told me that even though your current fiance
was a bitch
and 3000 miles away on top of itrefusing to join you in Israel
while you turned around the companythat
you had been hired to turnaround
No, you(turn your eyes away from me while you say this)
No, youwere going to go home and marry herand
that was that!
And the more that you loved me
and you loved me more and moreeveryday
the more you turned your eyes away from me
so that I couldnt see in
and the more you said
that was that
You were going to marry her.
I had to perform telepathy to find you.
And you were standing right next to me!
There should have been a
road sign posted at the
where the crash occurred
BE PREPARED TO STOP
Then at last SUDDENLYafter
Maximum Tortureor after eating crackers with the Maximum Pleasure
YOU WERE GONE.
And I did the unforeseeable.
I flew after you
like a comet sucked into the gravity of the vortex of your going.
I hadnt been back in America in fifteen years
Id left America fifteen years back
and stayed away forfifteen years
for reasons I felt like weresound.
So I flew to my mothersthe one that I had been
differentiated from for almost two decades already
and by now we were very good friends.
I tried to contact you and failed.
Not even the telepathy was functioning.
There was a black curtain pulled over your eyes.
In other words: CURTAINS FOR ME.
In retrospectWhat was I the earthbound Goddess doingtaking flight to America to find you, who the
more you love me the more you cannot stand to be found.
Four years ago I was FULL OF WORDS
FULL OF MUSIC FULL OF RESONATIONS
FULL OF SPIRIT FULL OF FREE
A lot of men were falling in love with me
which I noticed like
a tree notices
It stirred my leaves but
didnt really catch
I wrote 10 books in 3 years.
Words were pouring out of me.
LIFE WAS POURING INTO ME
HAD THE ACCIDENT
and after the accident
I couldnt sleep
so I couldnt dream.
On then on the first anniversary of my mothers DEATH DAY and on
my husband (small h)
did something so stupid and HURTFUL
that after writing 400 PAGES OF LOVE poems
my voice! my words!
I never wrote another love poem to him
I never wrote anything at all for the next
AND I SUFFERED
AND I GOT SICK
AND I DID NOT DREAM
AND I DID NOT SLEEP
AND I SAW IN COLORS THAT WERE NOT COLORS
IN OPAQUE GREYS AND BLACKS
I COULD NOT FIND A REASON WHY I SHOULD KEEP ON LIVING. Period.
ONE THING WAS A small SAVING GRACE
I COULD MAKE AMAZING PHOTOGRAPHS
IMAGES THAT STUNNED
POURED OUT OF ME
TRYING TO CRY OUT WHAT I
2 months ago.
I found out the cause of my sleeplessness
slept at night for a month
You answered my request to be my friend on Face book.
The request had been open for a month
when you answered Yes
like a BOLT OUT OF THE SKY
as you said on AUGUST 31
NOW, you keep saying that I came back to you on your birthday.
Well, happy Birthday.
Id been feeling the itch and stab of
needing to write again
for about a weekand
IT WAS TIME TO SCRATCH
BY YOU I WAS
TAKEN BY SURPRISE
A SECOND TIME!
OH, GOD DID YOU TURN THE WORDS ON
OH, GOD DID YOU TURN THE WORLD ON
OH, GOD, I NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU LIKE THAT.
*I FORGOT SOMETHING (See later)
BUT I WROTE!
THE WORDS CANNOT BE STOPPED
Ill search for you over the deserts
What happened? What happened?
So many blows f