Tough Conversations

Alvin Pilobello | alvin@mindspaceIMPACT.com

December 02, 2020

Reminders: - Keep Muted, Cameras On, Eye Contact- In the Chatbox: Introduce yourself + title!

Introductions• Kevin Lima

Chair, Toronto Central Chapter

Strategic Priorities

• 01: Careers

• 02: Chapters

• 03: Communities

Welcome!

… and before we get started

• Acknowledgements

• Ground Rules

• Zoom Tips• Raise Hand

• Reactions

• Chatbox

• Breakout Rooms

• Chatbox: Who’s in the room?

Workshop Agenda

• Focus on Self

• Focus on Curiosity (other)

• Managing the “Tough” (self-management + influence)

• Q&A

Learning Objectives

Neuroscience-based approach to conversations

Psychological Safety

Conversational mechanics

Alvin Pilobello• Leadership Coach and Trainer

• Executive and leaders → Team leadership, collaboration, and communication skills

• Focus: Elements of Emotional Intelligence

• Past Experiences:

• Municipal Engineering Consulting (10+ years)

• Chair, Water Environment Federation’s Young Professionals program (2008+)

• Salsa Dance Instructor (12+ years)

Communication

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

- George Bernard Shaw

Emotional Intelligence

9Daniel Goleman, 2003

Focus on Self

• Reflect: What makes a conversation “tough” for you?

• Breakout Rooms

Who are you at your best?

• Reflection:• What do you bring to the

table?

• What do you see differently / uniquely?

Who are you at your worst?

• Reflection:• What do people see?

• What do people get wrong about you?

Focus on Curiousity

• Conversational Mechanics• Active Listening = Questions,

Answers

• Psychological Safety• Neuroscience approach: SCARF

Model tool

Conversational Mechanics

• 01: Listening (input)

• 02: Powerful Questions & Statements (output)

• 03: Curiousity (exploring our internal processing, black box)

Demo: Meaningful Conversation

In the chatbox: What did you notice?

Skill #01: Listening

Listening = Where am I paying attention?

Level 01

Level 02

Level 03

“What are your assumptions?”

Perceptions = Assumptions?

Skill #02: Questions

The Typical QuestionsDoes it activate an automatic response?

Example: How are you?

Interesting Questions“What” / “How“ vs. “Why”

Presence

Skill #03: Answers / Statements

• Answers - You have a choice: • Give them something to work with

• Power dynamics: • Pass the Ball

• Statements • State your observation

• “What I see is …”

• “What I make up is …”

Breakout: Breaking down “tough”

• Groups of 3 in each Breakout Room

• Discuss:

• Speakers →What makes a conversation “tough” for you, at work?

• Listeners → Deepen your understanding of what makes it tough. Notice: How they describe ‘tough’

• Practice: Levels 1-3 of listening

Focus on Other (and Self)

• We’ll Explore: What causes you to feel unsafe?

Psychological Safety

• 01: SCARF Model

• 02: Creating Psychological Safety

SCARF Model

Neuroscience & Leadership

“Managing with the brain in mind” (book)- David Rock

• S = Status

• C = Certainty

• A = Autonomy

• R = Relatedness

• F = Fairness

Building Psychological Safety:

Threat or Safe?

SCARF Model

S = Status

• Perception of where you are, in relation to others around you

• Threats to status: • Giving feedback

• Not recognizing value

• Our credibility is threatened

SCARF Model

S = Status

Strategies:

• Ask: What is their expertise & experience?

• What are they assuming about you?

• How do you establish your status, to be a part of the conversation?

• Acknowledge the value that they bring

SCARF Model

C = Certainty

• Ambiguity of any kind causes a danger response (different people, different capacity for ambiguity)

• Threats to certainty:• Not following through

• Being unpredictable

• Unclear expectations

SCARF Model

C = Certainty

Strategies:

• What certainty do they need?

• How can you reduce uncertainty? Be clear about the certainty that you CAN offer

• Share: Intention

• Set clear expectations (role, task, timeline)

SCARF Model

A = Autonomy

• Stress increases when we perceive we have less control, less choices

• Threats to autonomy:• Micro-management

• Assuming they’re ok with it

SCARF Model

A = Autonomy

Strategies:

• Provide choices

• Ask for permission

• Boundaries: Ask for choices

• Be curious: What options are they open to?

• Trust people to make decisions (and make mistakes)

SCARF Model

R = Relatedness

• Stress activated by perceiving someone as a friend or foe

• Threats to Relatedness• Meeting someone new

• Networking

• Trust

SCARF Model

R = Relatedness

Strategies:

• 1st level: Direct (surface-level) relation

• 2nd level: Values-level relation

• “I know how you feel”

• “What I can relate to what you offered is …”

SCARF Model

F = Fairness

• Is this a fair exchange?

• Is this a fair result?

• Is this a fair process?

• Threats to Fairness• Lack of transparency

• Black box processes

SCARF Model

F = Fairness

Strategies:

• Reveal your process of decision-making = the path to the result

• Ask for input = Involve people in the process

Demo: Conversation

• Needed: 1 Volunteer

• Take 30 seconds to think about before raising your hand

• Topic = Secret, but high-stakes

SCARF Model

Neuroscience & Leadership

“Managing with the brain in mind” (book)- David Rock

• S = Status

• C = Certainty

• A = Autonomy

• R = Relatedness

• F = Fairness

Which element is most challenging for you?

Breakout: Your next tough conversation

• In pairs: 10 min

• Starting Topic: Your tough conversation / collaboration

• Take turns (5 min each)• Speaker: Explain your scenario, use

the SCARF model → what can you do better?

• Listener: Use Conversational skills

De-Brief• What did you realize / learn?

• Where is your opportunity for growth in handling that next tough conversation?

Managing the Tough Conversation

• Practice: Sharing your next real-world scenario

• Ladder of Inference

Self-Awareness: Ladder of Inference

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJLqOclPqis

LADDER OF INFERENCE

DATA

MEANING

CONCLUSIONS

ACTION

ADJUSTMENT

ASSUMPTIONS

FILTERING

Reference: Chris Argyris

STEP 1: DATA

STEP 2: FILTERING THE DATA

STEP 3: MEANING-MAKING BEGINS

STEP 4: ASSUMPTIONS / STORIES

STEP 5: CONCLUSIONS

STEP 6: ADJUSTMENTS (OF BELIEFS)

STEP 7: ACTION

BRINGING IT ALL TOGETHER

DATA

MEANING

CONCLUSIONS

ACTION

ADJUSTMENT

ASSUMPTIONS

FILTERING

LET’S APPLY THE LADDER

Where might it be useful for you right now?

(chatbox)

LET’S APPLY THE LADDER

Questions you can use:

• Are you making the “right” conclusion?

• What’s leading you to make these assumptions?

• Are you doing the “right” thing?

• Is what I’m perceiving based on facts?

• Why are they doing that?

• Why do they believe that?

OTHER CONSIDERATIONS

• Examine your beliefs: It impacts the data that you choose

• The same Action results in the same situations and data

• What data don’t you see?

LET’S APPLY THE LADDER

Where might it be useful for you right now?

(chatbox)

Breakout: Troubleshooting a Situation

• 10 min

• Topic: What is your top collaboration challenge?

• What tough conversations need to happen?

• Take turns (10 min each)• Listener: Use Workshop #01 Coaching

skills. How is the speaker using the SCARF model?

De-Brief

• What did you realize / learn?

• Where is your opportunity for growth in collaborating effectively?

• In the chat: What are you committing to doing next?

Feedback!

Feedback form!

Special: Book Prize random draw for 1 lucky survey respondent

What are you taking away?

Final Words

Compassion

Listen to Understand + Create possibility from

Thank You!

Alvin Pilobello | alvin@mindspaceIMPACT.com

https://www.linkedin.com/in/alvinpilobello/

December 02, 2020