the 5 most devastating things about grief

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The 5 Most Devastating Things You Need To Know About Grief and How To Effectively Cope With It.


© Alain Jean-Baptiste 2012

This report was created to enable you to rec-ognize different impacts of grief that are of-ten overlooked in studies and give you new tools to effectivly cope with griefs impacts in your personal or/and professional life.



The 3 main areas covered in this report•Research and statistics on the grief and its impact

•The 5 devastating effects of grief

•4 Tools your mind can use to effectively cope with grief



Consider this:Workplace grief costs U.S. businesses over $75 billion a year in reduced productivity, increased errors and accidents, a new study estimates. Some findings: THE GRIEF INDEX Death of a Loved One Cost: $37.6 billion Divorce/Marital Woes Cost: $11 billion Family Crisis Cost: $9 billion Death of an Acquaintance Cost: $7 billion Money Trouble at Home Cost: $4.6 billion Pet Loss Cost: $2.4 billion

Source: The Grief Recovery Institute



Consider this:In a recent survey posted on Scott Elliott’s Blog titled Grief Survey people were asked the following questions:

How long has it been since you experience a life-changing crisis?

42% – 1 Year 28% – 5 Years 22% – 10 Years 8% – 20 Years

What best describes the crisis you experienced?

56% – Loss of a loved one 11% – Disease 7% – Accident 6% – Loss of Job 6% – Divorce 13% – Other



10% to 20 % of Americans who suffer a loss experience Prolonged Grief Disorder**Holly Prigerson, PH.D.’s research from the Dana Farber Cancer Institute



A first symptom to recognizeDisorientationYou’ll often read about shock being one of the effects of loss and it is, disorientation is the effect the shock creates on your mind. In many cases the pain caused by the sudden shift of expectation is so powerful; disorientation, loosing balance, focus and attention follows. Your inability to focus due to the fact that your mind is taking most of its energy to help you reorganize your thoughts and cope with the news prevents you from having the necessary resources to complete work related activities, or even day-to-day tasks.



A second symptom to recognizeLoss of ValueOften referred to as anger, this is created due to the loss of value you experience as the thing you valued most disappears. You feel the void, you feel that whatever you cherish or cared for has disappeared and so it affects your self-esteem, and your ability to appraise and estimate what you valued. If its someone you loved, that value you had for that person, or the value you think you received from that person, is now gone. The blow that hits you causes you to feel the emotion of anger. You then begin to not care and lose interest. You also begin to lose the value you had about other things in your life. So for this reason, we place the loss of value as another devastating impact you feel when you lose someone or something.



A third symptom to recognizeShameShame comes in many forms:

• If you lost your job, your boyfriend (or girlfriend), shame usually comes as a by-product of such a loss

• If your husband or wife has cheated on you, or your relationship suddenly ended, it’s because one of you has decided they had enough

• Being abused by a parent, a sibling, a teacher, a neighbor, or someone you trusted at one point in your life

• If you have lost a child you may feel as if you or your body is flawed or that you may not deserve to have one.



A third symptom to recognizeShame (cont’d)

You don’t say it, but you think and feel it. You internalize the embarrassment, the humiliation, the feeling of inadequacy, and the betrayal. Your body starts to develop chemicals that try to kill that pain, the shame, that feeling of thinking you’re not good enough. This effect can last a long time and can lead in some cases to suicide because the pain becomes unbearable. Similar to morphine, or some other feel good drug, it acts to protect the integrity of your mind. Unfortunately it has very devastating effects in the long run and impacts your life in many different areas. Sometimes even in areas in which it was not related to.

Positively speaking, shame was created to help you create discernment. However, more often than not, the negative shame resulting from these types of situations creates toxic shame; a shame that paralyzes, debilitates, and can even destroy you.



A fourth symptom recognize Feeling aloneThis maybe something that is very hard to accept. You start feeling not only lonelyhelping you. Then, as time goes by, you may feel that they all have their busy lives and start pulling away from you. You may feel that people expect you to grow up, get over it, just stay busy and “time will take care of it”.

For some, it happens when you are no longer with the same person and suddenly you are left with the silence that may start feeling that you have lost value. It may cause you to feel disoriented, and might make you try to take away the shame you’re feeling at being alone at a certain age.



A fourth symptom to recognize Feeling alone (cont’d)

You may feel alone because the one you loved suddenly left or was taken away from you.

You might feel that because you have let go of your spirituality due to anger, have lost value and feeling, that you don’t know what to think anymore regarding the future or those promises or beliefs you held about life, death or love for that matter.



The most important symptom to recognizeYearning

Yearning is defined as: A deep longing, especially when accompanied by tenderness or sadness*

This seems to be one of the most devastating effects of loss, which is also one that seems to take the longest to heal. New studies on Loss have found a correlation between yearning and healing time. According to Holly Prigerson, PH.D., from the Dana Faber Cancer Institute, intense yearning is different from anxiety and depression. It is a key symptom in what is called Prolonged Grief Disorder, or complicated grief; the inability to recover after the death of someone. In this case, intense yearning is prolonged by preoccupations with the deceased and the feelings of emptiness do not lessen with time.



The most important symptom to recognizeYearning (cont’d) Some people still grieve 5-10 years later after the event because they are left with unanswered questions as to why the one they loved died. As long as they feel they don’t have closure, they still suffer from shame because of what they believe they felt responsible for. Sometimes the yearning increases your feeling of loss of value and also increases your anger because you hold on to the memory.

References: New research published in The Journal of the American Medical Association investigates the process of grief. Holly Prigerson and Paul Maciejewski are a husband-wife research team. Prigerson teaches at Harvard Medical School, Maciejewski teaches at Yale.

* http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/yearninghttp://www.perfectmemorials.com/blog/complicated-grief-when-time-doesn%E2%80%99t-heal/



There is hope

Solutions your mind can use to effectively deal with grief

5



Solution # 1 Get support

Avoid living it alone. Like most animals, we tend to just curl up and want to protect ourselves because of the pain. Avoid doing it alone and get support. If you can take time off work, do it. If you can get family members or close friends to help you, get them. Don’t be afraid to ask for support. If you can get professional help then invest in it. Who was the most helpful following your crisis?66% answered – Family member and 24% answered Friend Which of the following was most helpful following your crisis? 49% answered A conversation with a family member, minister, friend, etc. Would you be willing to share your story of grief in a support group or class? 66% answered - Yes



Solution # 2 Do an inventory of yourself

One of the simplest things you can do to regain value is to do an inventory of yourself.

Most people that lose a relationship go through a phase of self-discovery where they restart living, and find out about what they like and don’t like. Yes it might feel disorienting at first, but as you start fine tuning yourself to what you now want, imagine what you want and look at what you have to offer. If you lost your job, look at the skills you have and allow yourself to start discovering new things you may want to do. Do you have a dream you always wanted to accomplish? If you’ve lost your dream, did you truly allow yourself to believe you could succeed? Look at the true value you give yourself; was it natural or artificial? If you have lost a child (miscarried a baby), take the time to allow yourself to recognize that it’s not your fault. Yes, it could be your body, or maybe it was nothing you could prevent. Visit your doctor and have a full exam to get a better understanding of what you can do to better heal, so that if you choose to have another child, you have more options to choose how to go about doing it.



Solution # 3 Heal the shame

Allowing yourself to experience spirituality often heals shame. As shame is often more of a spiritual pain, start making an inventory of your values, recognizing your true worth, and allow yourself to be loved by the divine, or what I call God/Goddess/All That Is, you will begin to heal more rapidly.

Recognize that you are human, and that you make, and will continue to make, mistakes. Know that it’s ok. Know that others also make mistakes, and that is also ok. Allow yourself to forgive yourself for whatever mistakes you may have made, or feel responsible for. Allow your body to heal and recognize that it may have its limits and that’s ok.



More and more research shows that people have talked of seeing a divine light, white light, an angel or guides, or a simple presence just before leaving for the Other Side. For centuries elders, seers, prophets, shamans and the like have talked of divine presence all around us.

Loneliness has many stages, and it’s important for you to recognize that with any sudden shift of expectations, there is a feeling of loneliness. It is quite natural. We are conditioned to be afraid of it, but as you embrace it you will find that it will bring you a feeling that is close to a yearning or longing for something more. It is said that loneliness was created to remind humans of their connection to God/Goddess/All That Is. It was a way to make us aware that there was something more, thus reminding us that we are not alone.

Solution # 4 Recognize that you are not alone



Solution # 5 Accept

Acceptance is the most important stage in healing as it is part of the Three Phases of Change which are “Recognize-Accept-Change”. If you do not accept, you cannot proceed to change.

Acceptance is also the hardest part as the ego most often interferes with it. Your mind needs time to process the change in perception and conception you just experienced. It needs to understand the “why” and find meaning you attached to the situation. This reorganization of thought is what enables you to start accepting the loss.



Solution # 5 Accept (cont’d)

The following diagram shows you the correlation between acceptance and yearning, one of the most devastating effects of grief.

As you can see, as acceptance increases over time, the yearning decreases quite substantially. Contrary to common beliefs emotions such as sadness, anger, disbelief and yearning don’t necessary completely heal within 2-6 months. As acceptance is factored, all of them start to diminish as more understanding, closure, and resolve is obtained.



3 Major questions to ask when you are seeking professional advice

1. Do they have intuitive abilities so that they can actually truly see and understand the situation you went through?

2. Are they able to communicate people on the other side to help you establish that connection so that you may gain closure more rapidly?

3. Do they have the skills, techniques and experience to effectively help you deal with loss, trauma and grief?



Julie’s StoryWhen Julie lost her boyfriend to suicide she did not know what to do. She had been in therapy for 3 years, but she could never get that feeling of resolve until she knew why her brother decided to take his own life. She went from one coun-selor to the next until a friend of hers told her about the Medium conferences Alain was doing on contacting people on the Other Side. She went to one of his sessions and was able to contact her brother and finally get the answers she was looking for to close that painful question: why?

She was able to learn that it was an accidental overdose, and that he was ok on the Other Side. Alain helped her validate her suspicions, and it enabled her to not only heal, but also forgive him for the pain she felt he made her endure due to his sudden departure. She had also been unaware that he had been taken drugs for months before he passed. Later toxicology reports confirmed the details Alain had seen of the event.



Speaking from personal experienceWhen I first got the call from my girlfriend that something was wrong because she no longer felt our son (Joel) moving in her womb, I immediately rushed to the house to pick her up and go to the hospital. At the Ottawa General Hospital we waited for hours before they finally told us that our child had passed away. We then had to wait another x amount of hours for them to take the child outside her womb. At the time, Claudia, Joel’s sister, did not know what was happening. I ,myself, was struggling to cope with how I was going to bring her the news, take care of Angie, and how I would announce the information to my parents and everyone else knowing the devastating effect it would have on everyone. Although I had studied how to help others cope with trauma for years, I found myself unable to get my mind straight. The one fortunate thing I had done was to have a contingency plan which my virtual assistant (VA) Danielle Guerin executed to perfection.



Speaking from personal experience (cont’d)

During that period, I realized that those nurses and doctors did not really know how to handle what to say either. They would give comments like “don’t worry you can have another baby”, or, “it happens often, you’re not the only one for whom this happens to”. Basically the 10 worst things to say to someone after a loss came out of their mouths. As I went to buy books to help Claudia and Angie cope, I realized that they did not say those things out of stupidity, but rather, ignorance. I just could not believe that if they had dealt with this often as they had said that they would not know how to explain things to help people recover faster. I realized that they were simply human just like us, and that it was painful for them too. I then decided to push my research into how to help people heal or cope with grief more effectively.



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