TALES OF THE 80-YEAR OLD NOTHING - 1

Tales of the 80-Year Old Nothingby Ryan KenneyNovember, 13 2013 (Version #1)

CASTJudith-80 years old. An Author. Out of touch with her audiences.

(Present Day. JUDITH is looking at calendar. She is unable to speak.)

JUDITHOh. God. Oh no! Oh no, no, no, no! This is terrible. This is just horrible. I can’t believe it. I’m late. I’m so late. I haven’t had my period in 35 years. How did I not notice something like that? Oh, my goodness. What am I going to do? Look at me! Without my period, I’m nothing. I have been the voice for teenage girls everywhere. Now, I can’t even menstruate.

(Stands)

What am I supposed to do with my career now? My period was the one thing that brought me together with every girl. I knew what they were going through. We were the same. Same voice. Same body. Same blood. Oh, who am I kidding? I’m all washed up. My last book was released ten years ago. And that one barely sold.

(An idea hits.)

I could write about teenage pregnancy. That’s relevant, right? Maybe, not. Do young girls today even need help with that? They all have that “morning-after pill.” In my day we never had a “morning-after pill.” We used to just through ourselves down the stairs. The times have changed. Now that I think about it. Do girls even have their periods anymore? Perhaps they menstruate electronically now, like everything else. How can I write relatable material in this new age? I’m finished. I’m 80. I’m alone. No one wants me. All my husbands have fled and so have the children. I just want to feel the love I used to have. I want young girls all over America to hug my books across their chests. They must learn my ways. My useful tips. Like, you don’t always have to use a tampon; just say your vagina got stabbed. You don’t have to go “all the way” to show that you love him, just blow him. You don’t have to kill your tyrannical fourth grade teacher. Have someone else kill her. I know that my readers are still out there. It’s not that they don’t want me. They NEED me. I am the sole key to their happiness.

TALES OF THE 80-YEAR OLD NOTHING - 2

(Goes to the computer. Sits.)

I have to start the way I began. I have to bring myself to the writing. That’s how I get through to an audience. My experiences in this stage of my life will teach those teens how deal with theirs. That’s it! I...I have to start writing. Oh, god. Okay, Judith write what you know. Write what you know.

(Stares blank at the computer.)

Alright. Title. Title?

(thinks for a moment)

Oh!

(Types.)

“Are You There God? It’s Me, Margret. I Have Osteoporosis.” By Judy Blume.