Success From The Inside Out

Expert Interview with Barbara De Angelis Hosted by John Assaraf Broadcast on March 14, 2007 Edited by Vey Linville, Luanne Linville, Jeff Narucki

JA: Hi, everybody. This is John

Assaraf. This is our weekly expert interview where we bring you great ideas for making more money and, as always, so you can live an extraordinary life, a life filled with contribution, passion and fun. Barbara has been one of the most influential teachers of our time in the field of personal and spiritual growth. In the personal transformation and self-help arena, she’s absolutely a pioneer. You’ve heard her since the eighties and has she been successful? You bet! She’s not only built numerous of her own companies, but she’s generated almost a quarter of a billion in revenue, fourteen best-selling books. I’ve probably been a phenomenal client of hers prior to us being friends. I bought all of her stuff. She’s got almost ten million copies in twenty languages. She’s been on CNN, Oprah, Good Morning America, Geraldo, you name it she’s been on it. She walks down the street, they do the wave now because they’ve known her for so many years. She’s talked all over the world. But most importantly, she’s got a phenomenal spirit and phenomenal heart of giving and caring for other people. That’s why she’s been so successful.

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Barbara, welcome. Thanks for trying so hard to be on the call.

BA: I’m thrilled to be here. I didn’t

want anyone to think I kept them waiting. This is a great lesson in life, which I know you teach as well. Just because things appear not to work doesn’t mean that they’re not meant to work. And it doesn’t mean that you’re supposed to particularly take a detour. Sometimes you just need to keep trying.

JA: That’s a great lesson for

everybody. I’m sure there are people on the call that are saying, “I can’t believe it’s late. This is my first call…this is my tenth call or my hundredth call. We usually get started on time.” Be aware of the story you’re telling yourself. One of the great things I learned many years ago is to never, ever, ever allow outside circumstances control my feeling and my thinking because it has power over me if I do.

BA: I agree with you, John. And by

the way, I have to preface everything by saying this is what’s going to happen. John and I, this is how we first met and first began talking. This was practically within three sentences; we were down to the truth of life. We didn’t even say, “Where do you live? What do you do?” We were right there because that’s my teaching, my work as a transformational teacher is totally principled work,

as is John’s, which is why I really love, admire and respect him. This is the kind of energy that happens when people who are living and breathing transformation, are committed to helping others really…I call it crossing the threshold into your greatness. Our job as teachers is to hold open that door and point. And when you say, “I’m not sure what’s in there. It doesn’t look good. Maybe it’s the wrong door.” We just go, “GET IN THERE! Because amazing things are going to happen.” But what you just said just to start off the topic of probably where you were going to start is that I, one of things I have with my coaching clients is don’t look for evidence to disqualify yourself or to disqualify others. It’s one of the things the mind does. My work as a transformational teacher and a psychologist and all the other things I’ve done in my life, all the different roles I played, has been to particularly look at what we do to get in our own way, to get in the way of our success, our mastery. Whether it’s our business mastery or our personal mastery, or even spiritual mastery. My favorite quote as a teacher is the great Carlos Castenada, the wonderful mystic. He says, and everyone if you’re going to write anything down, this is it, “We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. But the amount of work is the same.” Isn’t it fantastic? We

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either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same. What is this saying? It is saying, “Nobody is more powerful than you.” And I’m talking to you and I’m feeling you. I’ve been thinking about all of you all day long, actually all week long. And tuning into you. That’s part of what I do. I know a lot of you get on calls like this and you hear somebody with a great success story and you think, “Gosh, you know I haven’t really gotten that much accomplished this week.” Somebody else is listening to John and thinking, “I could never be as great as John.” And I want you to know, do not disqualify yourself. Neither John nor I nor any of the great people John has had on nor any of your mentors has had more power than you. We are all equally powerful. This is part of what I teach. Just like every drop in the ocean is just as wet. It’s just what are you doing with that power? We either make ourselves miserable or strong. We either block ourselves or remove the blocks. We either find evidence that we are not deserving, or we honor ourselves and really hear our assignment and allow it to come through us. That’s exactly what John was saying. People can get on this call and look for any evidence: that they’re in the wrong place, it’s not them, it’s not me, the call is late, anything. If that’s what we do in life, we’re going to do it across the board.

We’re always going to find evidence that says “no” and we’re always going to disqualify ourself or others. By the way, when you are constantly looking at evidence that others are going to let you down, of course, that’s when you do it yourself.

JA: Barbara, you and I prepared for

this call by talking a few weeks ago and talking again last night. I’ve got some questions that I want to ask on behalf of the individuals. The first part of your career you were heavily involved with relationships. You’re one of the most respected relationship experts in the world. I know in the last eight to ten years you’ve shifted your focus to really focus on personal professional mastery. One of your most recent books, fourteenth, is How Did I Get Here, Finding Your Way To Renewed Hope and Happiness When Life and Love Take Unexpected Turns. Give us a little bit about this evolution.

BA: The evolution was something, as

most evolutions are, that was unexpected. I have always been a tremendous believer in personal transformation. I began my own personal process when I was eighteen and became a meditation teacher and I began a very intense and serious journey toward self-discovery. It just so happened, and I know some of you can relate to this, perhaps somebody that is listening who

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had a family business or happened to get a good job at a certain point and you suddenly find yourself in the hardware business or something else. And you kind of go, “It’s not exactly where I thought I would be. I did really well this way, but it just happened.” For me I happened to write my first book How to Make Love All the Time. It became a huge success. I became known as a relationship teacher. I created incredible technology about relationships, intimacy, love and went on to write many, many best sellers and have a best selling infomercial on all of that. It was all wonderful and I loved it. But it was just a piece of me. It was always just a piece of me. Kind of like an actor who happens to make four hit comedies and says, “But I really am great at Shakespeare.” I had to actually come to a place where in a strange way I had to turn my back on my own success. I had to really say, “I need to come out of the closet as more of who I am. “ I know a lot of you are in that same situation where there’s more of you that has not revealed itself. More of you as perhaps a speaker. More of you as an entrepreneur. More of you as a visionary, as a creative person. And you feel the more-of-you calling. It’s like pieces of you saying, “Can we join the party?” There are only a few of these characters that you are that people get to see. For me it was

really about recommitting to what I’ve always been here to do which is to truly help people become free and live the best life they can and to broaden that. To do that I had to make some very bold choices. I had to stop writing books about love, sex and intimacy, which were making me a lot of money. My agent would say, “Write another book about sex; it’ll get on Oprah.” I had to say, “No, no…I’m more than that.” I can’t squeeze back into something that’s too small for me. Which again I know a lot of you are feeling and acting on in your life. So, for me the evolution has been more of a revolution. It’s been a very powerful process over the last seven, eight years. When I wrote How Did I Get Here?, my last book, it touched so many people and made such an impact. And the kind of mail I get from it and, by the way, I’m going to let you know at the end of the call how all of you can get a free excerpt, it supported me in that decision. My work is focused mostly now on really helping people what I call living their life and mastering their life from the inside out. It was not an easy shift. It was not an easy shift. And I still have people say, “Well aren’t you the love person?” It took me awhile to even get invited to the kind of conferences where I met John.

JA: It’s interesting. You didn’t have

to reinvent yourself. You just

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chose a bigger purpose for yourself, did you want to trade your life for, it sounds like.

BA: Actually it’s the other way

around. I believe that purpose chooses us. I always say, “Even my books come through me, not from me.” You know that, John. Of course everyone knows that who listens to John. There’s always something greater. All of you who are listening who have made a commitment to working with John, who have made a commitment to your process, know that there comes a time in your life when it’s impossible to stay in the small area you’re in. You know this great story I tell about a little boy and a gold fish. His mother gives him a goldfish as a pet and his job is to clean the bowl out every week. The first week when he doesn’t he says, “Mommy, mommy, something is wrong with the goldfish!” She told him to put it in the tub and clean the bowl and put it back. And she comes in and he says, “Look, something is wrong with the goldfish!” She says, “Honey, it looks fine.” He says, “No, no…look, it’s swimming around in little circles and there’s this huge tub.” And she says, “That’s because it still thinks it’s in the bowl.” I love that story.

JA: That’s a great story. BA: How many of us still think we’re

in the bowl? What is the bowl – it’s what our parents told us

about ourselves, it’s what our ex-wife told us about ourselves, our pictures are our prisons. For a lot of us, what’s missing is an understanding not anything in effect; there’s nothing missing that you need to get somewhere. It’s a recognition of what’s already there and how to use it so you’re not just swimming in a little circle. You get to ask yourself hard questions, “How am I actually manifesting the goldfish effect in my life? Where am I playing too small?” I had someone call me the other day and say she was giving conferences and she wanted to invite me. She said it took her six months to get up the courage to invite me because she thought I was too “big” for her conference. She was in the bowl. She was still thinking small. She was thinking, “Why would Barbara DeAngelis come to my conference?” And of course, that thought itself is the problem, not whether I come or not. That’s part of what I know what John’s work is about which I love because we’re so resonant. What my work is about is looking at the places, finding out those places, I tend to have a gift for seeing them in people, where we are holding ourselves back. Even if we have the best systems in the world, you are the one using the system. If you are contracted, it doesn’t matter how great the system is.

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JA: Let’s talk about something you just mentioned, mastering your life from the inside out. I know you have some principles you teach. Can you give us a few of these? I’m lobbing the ball for you. That’s what preparation does for you. I’m lobbing the ball for you.

BA: One of the first ones and I’m

going to make it little bit more of a principle than a story is to start being aware on a daily basis of the ways you are disqualifying yourself. A thought you might have, “Maybe I should call this person in network. Well no, he’s probably busy.” Bang…there you’ve done it. “Maybe I should write this. Well I don’t really have experience.” Bang…you’ve done it. Just start noticing all the ways in which you opt out. Even though I know a lot of my clients have bought every system, they’ve done all this stuff and yet with all of that they opt out every day on their own.

A second thing. Become aware

of the inner power struggles. I talk a lot and teach a lot about the power struggles going on inside of us all the time. No one is going to get in your way in life more than you. No one is going to try to hold you back in business more than you. No one is going to thwart your vision more than you. No matter how much you think somebody else might be in the way, they are

nothing compared to what’s happening inside. Notice the voices that are talking to you. We all have kind of a committee inside of all the different pieces of us: the visionary, the cautious person, the artist, and the practical person. They’re all different pieces of what makes us successful. And they all have a place and a time. What I do when I work with people is ask them the question to ask themselves, “Who’s at the end of your table? Who is running the committee in your head? Is it the visionary? Or is it the fearful part of you?” Not that some of those pieces aren’t always going to be present. But who’s in charge? I’ll give you an example from my own life, when I’m about to do an important TV show or a huge seminar, something really essential for me, there’s always a little voice that’s saying, “What if people don’t show up? What if you don’t do well? What if this happens? What if the phone number is wrong? Whatever it is. I hear that part. I don’t try to…

And here’s another principle I’m about to introduce. I don’t try to tune it out. I don’t try to power it away, which I know a lot of people teach and it’s a mistake. I’ll tell you why in a second. I acknowledge it. Just like you have your own child coming to you and saying, “Daddy, I’m afraid if I…this is going to

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happen.” You say, “That’s fine, honey. Let me give you a hug and now daddy has to go to work.” That’s what I do. I hear that little voice. I say, “Thank you for sharing. I hear what you’re saying. I understand. And now you go sit over there because I’m going to work. I am the visionary. I am that force.”

JA: You have a dialogue with the inner dialogue. BA: It’s a conscious dialogue. It’s

not a dialogue of denial. It’s not a dialogue of overpowering. This is something that has distinguished my work from certain people, not John, but other people who really say, “Just smash that voice.” I totally disagree with that. That voice is connected to something very important. It’s called your heart. It’s called your compassion for people. It’s called your vulnerability. Many of the things that will make you very successful in business, that will make people trust you, feel you, and connect with you. To force that voice out you become an automaton.

Now we’re at the third principle.

I’m giving a lot really fast. The principle of the second element. The old story about the Wise Men being posed a question. “How do you banish the darkness in a barn?” One of them says, “You pray to God and angels and you ask them to bring the light.”

The other says, “You curse the darkness.” The other says, “You scare the darkness and say, ‘I banish you forever.’” It’s all these different things. And, of course, the one intelligent, wise man says, “You don’t pay attention to the darkness. You introduce the second element, the light.” The principle of the second element is a principle I teach a lot. It’s miraculous how it works in your life. That means I honor my fear. I acknowledge it. I understand where it’s coming from. If I don’t, it will take me down in a way that I’m not aware of. Rather than try to get rid of it, push it out, scream it out, power it out, I bring in the second element. I make my visionary stronger than my fear. I learn to feed the visionary.

And this is the fourth principle,

learn what contracts you and what expands you. These may sound like spiritual principles…they are. This is the basis of my being. I’ve applied it to business, work, and writing. It’s made me very, very successful. I believe these are just very profound and universal principles. Expansion and contraction create every single experience in the universe. Think right now. Everyone can do this in two seconds. Scan the people in your life and just ask your inner wisdom, say, “In whose presence do I feel expanded?” Get a name. Get a face. John Assaraf, of course.

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Think of a few other people…you expand in their presence. I don’t just mean a mentor. A friend. A loved one. And now ask, “In whose presence do I contract? Who contracts me” And you’ll think of somebody. Maybe it’s someone who works for you. Maybe it’s someone you’re dating. Maybe it’s a friend or a family member. As much as you love them, this is not about love. In whose presence do you expand? In whose presence do you contract? We can go on from there. What thoughts expand me? What thoughts contract me? What actions? Beginning to understand expansion and attraction, again this is not judgment. This is the trap a lot of people fall into…these things are bad for me these are good. These thoughts are bad. These are good. Not true. That will create more power struggles inside. What expands me? What contracts me? You are noticing and then to begin to make lists in your life. When you get off the phone tonight you can literally sit down and make a list of all the people who expand you, all the activities that expand you. Activities and thoughts that expand you. And then the opposite: people that contract you, thoughts that contract you, and foods that contract you. Whatever it is. Just this alone, if you really paid attention to this would be the road toward enlightenment. As

you do this you will begin to monitor inside yourself, when you are expanding yourself, when you are contracting yourself. That’s just one of the ways. I’m going to stop because I could give a hundred more principles.

JA: I could listen to you for a

hundred more. Whenever you’re in my presence, my dear, I always love to listen to you because you’re so profound and so enlightened. I love it. Let me shift for just a moment. Actually I’m not going to shift because we’re talking about success and mastering your life from the inside out, which I believe if you don’t master the inside, you can forget about the outside. You talk a lot about people sabotaging their success and happiness without even knowing or realizing it. Let’s elaborate on some of that.

BA: This is one of the main things I

work with people on because none of us…we might think, “I need more systems. I need more investment information. I need more ability to speak.” Most of us never actually believe that we, ourselves, are sabotaging ourselves. There is something in each person called a success barrier that I discovered years ago. A success barrier is a place inside of us that has a particular standard about how successful we actually think we deserve to be. This may be something that

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you all teach and work with. I have been amazed to see that people are out there doing everything, they’re studying, they’re joining. There’s a stuckness and they can feel it. They’ve done well. But there’s something holding them back. They can’t figure out what it is. They hire. They fire. And it has nothing to do with anything on the outside. It has to do with something on the inside. I was on a cruise called the “Wealth Cruise” a few weeks ago, all real estate investment people. They’re all talking about flipping houses and selling and going in and going out, getting paid, all this kind of stuff. There I was talking about everything we’re talking about. And I got this guy up there, he must have weighed about three hundred pounds, huge guy, very successful in the real estate business. But he had a feeling he just was not quite where he wanted to be. I decided to actually muscle test him which some of you may have seen experienced at your chiropractor’s or somewhere, just to see how the mind, the body and his consciousness were connecting. I had him go through the different levels of financial success that he felt he deserved…a hundred thousand a year, two hundred thousand. We got to $275,000 and his entire body went weak. This guy was huge. He could have picked me up with a finger and he had no strength in his body. He said, “I

can’t believe this just happened. I made more than this every year. But then I lose the exact amount to get me back down to about $275,000. I never could understand why.” I said, “You have a success barrier.” We went to work on where it came from, when he decided that was his limit, why, what it had to do with all kinds of things in his life. That’s more delving into each person’s inner psychology. It’s just shocking. I did some things to work with him and clear. He called me yesterday, he’s only been working with me for two weeks, he lives in Wisconsin. He had just sold three more properties. He was up to like $400,000. He said he could feel this fire in himself of determination and something that felt freer without this dread. He was absolutely not going to fall back down again. We all have barriers: psychological barriers to being more of what we want to be, believe it or not. Some of them have to do with people in our lives. Some of them have to do with not wanting to leave certain people behind. Some of them have to do with our own understanding of what success means and judgments about it. There’s a huge list of them. They’re different for everyone. Finding out what your success barrier is and how it plays out for you particularly is really important because then you’re not pulling the rug out from underneath yourself.

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JA: A lot of people sabotage

themselves with their self-talk, their behaviors, what they believe about themselves. It is amazing how we’re really at the helm. When we start to realize that we are in control whether we like it or we don’t, it’s to our taste or it’s not, we have that option. I know one of the things you speak a lot about to people who are wealthy, whether they’re CEOs or millionaires, is if they’re only focused on making money then they’re ripping themselves off because there is so much more.

BA: Abundance and wealth are two

different things. I should say money and wealth are two different things. I go in and am very politically incorrect talking to really, really wealthy people talking about how poor they are if they aren’t feeling inner freedom. Three-quarters of these people are in miserable relationships and are about to take all that nice wealth they worked so hard on and divide it in half at least in the State of California and give it away in their divorce. So many of them are starving for a sense of true fulfillment, which is not the same as success. It doesn’t matter what happens. They can become successful, they can get wealthy and there’s something that’s still empty. I always say to people, “Why stop at money? Why not go on to true abundance? Why

stop at success? Why not go on to true fulfillment? These are different values and they don’t necessitate getting rid of one of them. I’ve been very successful, but I’ve been successful in a very balanced way. That’s what has allowed it to grow and grow and grow and to have me be able to say at this point in my life that the thing that is the most valuable to me in terms of an asset is my own inner sense of well-being, peace and my consciousness. That’s worth everything to me.

JA: That shows wisdom. When I

was in my early twenties I ended up with ulcerative colitis. Somebody that I had sought counsel from said, “Well, why are you working so hard?” I said, “Because I want to make a lot of money.” They said, “Why don’t you make a lot of money in less time?” I said, “What?” They said, ”Make the same amount of money in less time, take care of your health, get connected to your source and spend time with your family.” I said, “Well how am I going to make a lot of money?” They said, “You have to understand that you need to change your paradigm. You need to change what you believe is possible and what you believe is true.” And that’s why when I wrote in my first book, I know you’re at fourteen, I’m at one with another one on its way, was Having It All was all about having the health and the relationships and the

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spiritual connection and the businesses that I want and the financial means. If you don’t make that a focus to have that fulfillment as you suggest, you’re right, you’ll never have it. It starts with your belief that you can or cannot have it. And you can.

BA: You absolutely can. I never said

I want to be wealthy. I said, “I want to serve.” I never walked around thinking, “What can I get from this person.” I thought, “What can I give to this person.” I grew up with nothing. I didn’t have a value of getting anything. I really wanted to serve humanity. That is the secret to my success. I believe it’s the secret to everyone’s. The truth is, of course, John, that’s why you’re successful. There are a lot of people out there who supposedly teach principles of this and that. As far as I’m concerned, they’re not living them. They don’t radiate them. You’re all only always selling one thing or communicating one thing and that is yourself. It has nothing to do with your business. You could be selling toilet paper or diamonds. It makes no difference. You’re only selling you. And that’s why true success comes from getting the real product, which is you, to be so magnificent, so charismatic. I have a thing called charisma coaching because to me charisma is everything. It means that which allows people to

connect with that light inside of you, to get you to be so irresistible to people. It doesn’t matter what you’re offering or selling, it’s a “yes”. And they’re saying “yes” to themselves. I call that investing in your own enlightenment. I love that phrase. That’s what I talk to people about. Certainly that’s what you and I have done, John. Have you ever thought of adding up the money you’ve spent on training, mentors, sessions, astrologers. For me, God knows how much money it is.

JA: I actually did, Barbara, and I’ve

invested, and this is not kind of sort of maybe, I’ve invested hard, cold cash in the last twenty-six years, over $500,000. I was working on understanding me better.

BA: I would say mine is close to that.

John and I are just getting to know each other. I have to say this. This is really true. What you just heard and what you’re hearing John and I say, you will not hear from a lot of personal development teachers. A lot of them need to do it, but they don’t. I say that publicly all the time. I won’t ever say who. There are a lot of people that have a system, they have this, they have whatever and they are very successful at doing what they do. But they’re not matching it with who they are. A lot of you know who those people are. John is not one of

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those people. He is on the inside and the outside resonant. That is rare; it really is rare. I work very hard to be that. I think and it’s also one of the things I try to teach my students, my process, my real authentic process with all of its ups and downs, with all of the moments in which I still feel vulnerable. That is essential for me to teach others. If you see so and so up on the stage and go, “Oh my gosh, that person is always in the most empowered place. Everything in their life is fantastic and I’m just a piece of dirt and I could never be that.” Again disqualifying yourself. First of all you shouldn’t do and second of all, your perception is wrong. We know that’s not true, but a lot of those people will not always be authentic with you about the process, about the things that happen when you try to go to your new level. It’s not easy when you say, “I am going to be the best I can be.” Other people will not always celebrate the new you. Other people will not always celebrate your expansion if they want to remain contracted, even people who love you. These are not politically correct things to talk about. But they are exactly the issues that people deal with and that are holding us back. They’re essential for me at least, that’s the kind of teacher I am, to deal with. I forget what you first said, John, but I’m on a roll.

JA: That’s all right. You’re on a roll and as long as you’re making sense and people are getting value. I can tell who’s staying on the call and who’s not. Nobody is dropping off, Barbara. You mentioned something that is really critical and one of the things that I like to talk about and teach as well is being authentic. What most people think is that you have to be perfect and being authentic is your perfection. That doesn’t mean you don’t make mistakes or the words don’t fumble. It’s something that is hard for some people to do because what they think people expect. What people really expect, if you really think about what you expect let’s say from my call right now with Barbara. You expect the flow to be there. You expect the interview to be invigorating and the information to be life changing and business changing. That it will help you and make sense. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t make a difference if I say “uh” a few more times. It doesn’t make a difference.

BA: In that case, John, people are

transposing the idea of perfection for control. People who are control freaks, raise your hands, of course the real ones will not raise their hands. Control freaks look for perfection and signs of imperfection because that is what they’re always doing with themselves. The truth is that and I write about this in How Did I

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Get Here, if you try and here’s another principle and here’s a tip for everybody. There’s a way to make every day of your life a successful day, every single day. If you judge your success on the basis of things that happen on the outside: how many sales did I do, how did the stock market do, how did my employees do, how much did I sell, what happened in the company, any of those things. If you say, “How was today? Was today a good day or a bad day? Was it successful or not?” Based on things, most of them not in your control, you will go up down up down in your self-esteem in your life and your confidence. What if you created a paradigm of what makes your day successful that has nothing to do with things on the outside. It has to do with things on the inside. For instance, today was a successful day because even when there was a technical glitch on the phone, I remained centered and didn’t get upset. Today was a successful day because I called somebody I knew who was having a hard day and made them feel better. Today was a successful day because instead of beating myself up about forgetting something, I laughed and I went on. There are so many ways that you are truly triumphing every single day. If you start noticing those and not discounting them and just saying, “Oh I only closed two deals today. Oh I forgot to do ten things on my “to do” list. Oh

bad me.” You are missing the point and that is one of the ways you’re going to sabotage yourself. There is a way everyday to feel totally successful. I call this loving yourself forward, another principle of mine. It goes back to that thing, John, we talked about about the polarity in us. These things are bad in me; these things are good. These make me weak; these make me successful. These things make me a poor business person…. That is polarity and duality and it is going to pull you down. There’s a principle a lot of people have of kind of “whipping yourself forward”. I actually heard a speaker recently say, “I’m going to kick your butt to get you to be successful.” And I found it so offensive and so wrong. I got up and I couldn’t help it, I said, “If you want your butt kicked, you should probably sign up with so and so.” The problem with that is and anyone knows this who had any kind of stern or difficult childhood, a stern parent. If we associate getting down on ourselves to motivate ourselves, every time we want to move forward, we’re going to have to create that same paradigm for ourselves. If you look at how we really grow in life, any of you that have kids, you know the way they learn to walk, talk, get on the bike, play ball, get in the pool is love. It’s the principle of love. This may not sound like a businesslike discussion. It is the most

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businesslike discussion you will ever hear. All you are ever selling to people is love.

JA: The highest vibration of a

human being is love. BA: And the truth is, that’s what

people are buying. They want a good feeling. They want a good investment. They want a good interaction. They’re buying love and you’re selling it. I always say, “I’m in the love business.” I teach my coaching clients to be in the love business, no matter what business they’re in. That’s how you get your kids to move and to grow and to open and to risk, loving them. If every time they tried something and you went, “That was stupid! I can’t believe it! You just fell down! Get up! Let’s see you walk another ten steps!” They would never ever take a risk. Learn to love yourself forward. Some of you, you have all the great tools, you’ve been working with John, but you’re not loving yourself forward. You’re beating yourself forward. You’re kicking yourself forward. You’re berating yourself. Ultimately, your inner child, inner being, will dig its heels in and say, “I’m not going anywhere.” That’s the inner power struggle. You’re wondering, “Why the heck isn’t more happening, look at how much I’ve been working on myself.” What’s missing is the love. It’s a very practical and easy to monetize concept.

There’s nothing New Age about it. It’s the source of everything, including the fact that we’re all here listening. Because two people have to at least for a few minutes love each other for us to even exist.

JA: Absolutely. That’s a great topic

that we can have an entire call on. When you say that people aren’t used to hearing this for a business growth program, it’s actually a fundamental truth that you will actually sell more, feel more, attract more when you are in a state of love than in any other state that you could potentially put yourself in. If you want to attract more clients, be in a state of love. If you want more business, be in a state of love. If you want to make more money, be in a state of love. That is the highest vibration. You’ll attract people that actually expect love and people who want and need love more than anything else because they feel it. We’ll gravitate to that like somebody thirsty in the desert would gravitate to water.

BA: That’s right. And the thing is,

you cannot fake it. This is not about sales techniques. It’s not about a system. It’s not about a sale. You know, John, at the same seminar where you met me, somebody came up to me and said, “Teach me about your close. What did you do?” Because I go to these big seminars and I give my

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motivational talk and, like John and a lot of people, offer people to have certain transformational packages with me, seminars, coaching. And a lot of people sign up. I don’t have Powerpoints. I don’t have anything. Nothing is wrong with them. I just don’t do them because I want people to look at me because I’m transmitting. I’m really transmitting. I don’t have a close. I don’t have any of that. I’m just loving everybody. I’m just offering them that. Here’s a statistic for you that will help ground this perhaps in your understanding. Out of a hundred percent of the impact you make on people, when they listen to you, whether on the phone, whether in person, seven percent of what and how you impact people is through your words, only seven. Think of how much time we all spend on our presentations. Thirty-eight percent is your inflection. That’s a certain energy you have: confidence, not, etc. Fifty-five percent, and I’m not going to say body language, of how you impact people is what researchers call “nonverbal”. I call that, as a Californian, your “vibe”. It’s your vibe. It is the unnamed, energetic transmission. It is everything you are. It’s your fear. It’s your confidence. It’s your love for people. It’s your mistrust for people. It’s your love for yourself. It’s your scrutiny of yourself. It’s the people you never forgave. It’s

the people you have compassion for. It’s your soul basically is what they’re feeling. And either they like it or they don’t. They trust it or they don’t. You could sit there in the best outfit with the best Powerpoint and the best anything, and I’m talking again with your own employees for instance, customers, and you can do well without this principle. But with it you can skyrocket.

JA: That is so very true. When I

used to teach our sales people how to sell, I used to tell them that if you ever leave our office because you need the money to pay the mortgage or the car or the … stay here, because you’ll be sending such a strong, secondary signal from your subconscious, people will say to you all day long, “Let me think about it.” And you’re going to wonder why you wasted your time. I’m going to save you that time. Go do meditation. Go for a walk. Go get clear about you helping and serving somebody today. Then go out and find a way to use your talents to serve somebody and you will make more money than you know what to do with.

BA: That’s true. And the funny thing

is it’s not even when we talk. I have a course called “Successful Speaking From the Inside Out” and it’s literally about how to communicate, present with these principles. It’s a fantastic thing.

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I’ll let you know how a lot of you can participate in a special way.

JA: Hold on a second. You’re

actually getting an award this year from Toastmasters International with their highest, global award and that is for powerful and effective speaking. And you’re one of the best in the world at that; that I know. Congratulations.

BA: Thank you. The Golden Gavel

Award it’s called. Like I even use a gavel or a podium, never. I don’t speak. I don’t have speeches. I get up and I just love people. I do it with clarity and I do it with a purpose. I don’t just babble on and tell stories about myself. The real message is different. I have a saying that I teach my students when I’m teaching them about communicating that you’re communicating whether or not your mouth is open. You could study all the stuff and you have all your points; you just walk in the room and that’s it. That’s it right there.

JA: Barbara, let me ask you a

question. This is something I’ve studied a lot. I want to get your take on this. When we teach people to make sure that they have a passion for what they do, a real passion for what they do, and a passion to help people, I personally find that that is contagious. When somebody is excited about what they talk

about and what they do, you can’t help but be interested. Have you found the same thing to be true?

BA: Of course it’s true. I’m a why

person. I don’t just motivate. I’ve studied the science of transformation for decades now. I’m that old.

JA: Well you look great, honey. BA: Thank you, dear. It’s without

doctors. I’m telling you, it’s because of everything I’m saying. I absolutely believe, along with not smoking, drinking, etc., it is the quality of my own thoughts. I think people get very ugly and look really bad when they’ve just been in a negative paradigm inside. At any rate, the “how” of what you’re describing because I think we all know the “why” is true. We pay to see passion in this country. I wrote a book called Passion about this. We pay to see passion. We love seeing the most passionate actor, the most passionate athlete, the most passionate singer. We will pay enormous amounts of money for people who are very passionate. By the way, they could be very passionate and stupid, but we love that energy because it makes us feel alive. Everyone is looking for aliveness. Unfortunately we’re living in a country with a society with so much suppression. One out of eight people in this country is on

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anti-depressants. One out of four people take pills to sleep at night. This is in a country with the most abundance in the world. We are unhappier even than people in horribly war-torn countries. We are more unhappy when we are tested. Why is that? Because obviously it is not that we don’t have, it’s that we think we don’t have. It’s that we aren’t balanced out. We don’t know how to be and not just have. We want, we crave passion and we crave connecting with somebody’s passion. What it does, it’s literally energy. If you study, this is what I teach in my speaking course, even what John and I are doing right now; John and I are saying wonderful, brilliant things. We’re resonating; we’re flowing. But it’s the energy that hopefully you’re feeling coming through us that is truly the message, not even what we’re saying. We’re sending a message, an energetic message of passion, certainty, love, support, and compassion. That actually like a vibration hits you like sound hits any object. It finds the like energies inside of you and it stimulates them. It wakes them up. That is what a true teacher does. A true teacher actually helps awaken the authority inside you with their energy along with giving you good information. That’s actually secondary. Do you feel that, John?

JA: I do. What I love is to be inspiring, not to be motivating. I heard a long time ago to inspire is to instill spirit into the mind of another. Motivation lasts momentarily just like gunpowder.

BA: There are a lot of great

motivators. Motivation is like a wind that pushes you down a few feet. It’s not the same as igniting a fire inside of you that is your own fire that you know how to always keep lit and that will take you anywhere that you want to go. Most of all, by its own definition, fulfills you without having to do or go anywhere or be anything. When you’re coming from fullness and you’re talking to somebody from fullness, then people want that fullness. You’re not coming wanting. This is such a fine point. It’s so hard to do when you’re in sales and business. Of course you want to sell. Of course I want people to sign up with me. Of course you want people to buy your product or whatever it is. But it’s so important to go into it, “What can I offer you?” I don’t mean offer you when you buy, right now, in this interaction. If the world ended in five minutes, what can I offer you right now in some way and when you give, people will give back to you. You can’t do it as a device. You have to truly do it because that is your passion; that is your joy.

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JA: That’s from The Inside Out and that’s the whole thing that you’re talking about. Before I let people know how to get hold of you, I know one of the things we talked about was breaking your success barrier. One of the things we teach is breaking the terror barrier, when you get to the place where you’re so afraid, you want to revert back to your safety net. We talk about a terror barrier. I want you to talk about breaking your success barrier. And how everybody on this call can look at where they are and break right through that to ten levels higher than where they are right now. Let’s talk about what it is and how you break through it. Then let’s share with people how to get hold of you.

BA: I like when you talk about your

terror barrier. The truth is the things that get in our way in terms of our success barrier: a huge one is fear, a huge one is a feeling of being out of control. This is one of the big ones I think I’ll talk about. By being out of control, it’s wanting a map. All of you right now would say, “If I knew that if I did X, Y and Z, even though they’re risks, in six months and two days, they would lead me to this fantastic outcome, hey, I would do it.” It’s not that we’re afraid of the experience of the fear. We’re afraid that we will go through the fear for nothing. Everyone can say, “I’m afraid of success.” I really don’t like when people say that

because it’s actually not correct. We’re afraid that we will move through our scary places and we will not end up where we think. People are willing to pay the price if there’s a guarantee. But there’s not. It’s called proceeding without a map. That’s what a lot of us are afraid of. A visionary is someone who can hold a vision of what’s possible without any evidence that it is so. Right, John? And go because to not go is more frightening. To not go is more scary. To stand still and relinquish that opportunity is more terrifying. Again, it’s honoring the fear. It’s saying, “Yes come with me. I’m going to hold your hand. We are going.” Do not misinterpret fear as a sign that: a) you are not ready or b) something is wrong with you. This is a huge thing I work on with my clients. A lot of us start to do something or you think about making a change and you go, “Oh, I have so much fear coming up this week so I better just stop.” Why are you deciding that fear is a sign that you are supposed to slow down? Maybe it’s a sign of the opposite. It’s understanding how to deal with fear so you don’t use it to disqualify yourself. Don’t use it as a sign to stop. Don’t wait for the map. You know that great, wonderful scene in one of the Harrison Ford movies…where he’s by some incredible chasm and he’s trying to get the elixir of immortality and there’s no way

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to get across and he has to literally step out onto nothing. And when he steps out onto nothing he shifts his balance. And this big bridge appears. All of us have to always step out onto what appears to be nothing. But it’s not nothing. You wouldn’t have the dream, you wouldn’t be given the assignment if it wasn’t meant to happen. Part of what’s happening is not just about you getting to the goal, it’s you becoming someone in the process. Part of that becoming is learning to venture into darkness and bring your own light. Learning to take a step where there is no bridge and know that you are manifesting the path. When you do that, that’s when you will be a teacher, a master, a great businessperson, a great employer, somebody who can instill complete confidence in others. If you didn’t have this process with its fear, with all the things John and I are talking about, you would not be who you need to be when you do get to the other side. It’s not just getting there. It’s who you’re going to be when you get there.

JA: Who you become. The biggest

gift you can give yourself for feeling the fear, the anxieties, the doubts and doing them anyway, the biggest gift is not what you’ll get, it’s who you’ll become.

Steve: This is Steve Brand in San

Diego. I spoke with you earlier. I do the foreclosure sales and

REO loss communication negotiation.

JA: What’s your question for

Barbara? I’m going to pretend I’m Larry King now. San Diego, you’re on the air.

Steve: As far as understanding basically

having the radar for your feelings because I know you’re going to have feelings that today this is a good thing or is it a feeling of fear. Is it something you should be pushing through or is it something you should be listening to? My problem is I don’t know which one all the time to say is this something I should be moving past or is this something I should really be paying attention to?

BA: I think what you’re saying is

when is fear actually telling us don’t go there bad idea. Or when is fear just an intrinsic part of our own process that is really not serving us? There’s a different energy, and again this is something I teach people, between a voice of caution that says, “You know, I don’t really know enough about this guy to do business with him and maybe I need to make a few more phone calls.” That’s not fear, that’s caution. Fear has a voice more of like a six or ten year old, “What if I do this and it doesn’t turn out well? What if I get up and I make mistakes? What if I decide to write a book and nobody buys it?” That’s not

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caution. That’s fear; that’s primal fear. That’s fear coming from a different place. When we learn to identify our own inner voices and each of us has voices and they speak in the same way, the same language, the same characters. We can actually name them; I help people name them, get familiar with them. When that voice speaks, we know who it is. We can hear it, understand it, love it and not let it get in our way. And then if there’s a voice of caution, that’s something else. Again there’s a difference between an adult cautionary voice. You can imagine a wonderful business associate who’s a very down-to-earth guy going, “Are you sure this is a good idea?” That’s different from the “what if this and what if that” and that generic feeling in your body. Fear that I’m talking about usually you can feel in your body, in your gut. Concern, caution and worry happens in the head. It’s a different kind of thing. We can identify which one is which and teach you about that. Great question.

Raffi: My question for Barbara is what

did she mean when she said learn what expands you and what contracts you? Barbara can you please expand on what you mean by expanding and contracting oneself.

BA: This is a huge topic. I spend a lot

of time with my students and

clients on understanding this, learning it and understanding for you what it means. Everything we do, experience, come up against in life, has an effect on our being of either expanding our sense of yourself. In other words we feel more relaxed, we feel more open, we feel more hopeful, we feel more visionary, we feel more positive. Or contracting us, we feel more fearful, we feel more enclosed, we feel more worried, we feel less confident. There are certain emotions that are contracted. Love is expansive for instance. Fear is contractive. Criticism is contracted. Honoring is expanding. Beginning to learn about the experiences of expansion and contraction in your life, just beginning to notice them as I said, beginning to notice what effects people have on you, your own thoughts have on you, will absolutely transform your life and give you amazing mastery. You can start by tomorrow noticing when you’re feeling anxious or tight or concerned, small, afraid, hesitant. You can say, “I’m feeling contracted. When did this start? What happened? Who was I talking to? Did it happen in a phone call? Did it happen talking to my husband? If we’re not used to this, we won’t even realize that we’re this way. By the way, if you’re contracted, what effect are you going to have on other people? You’re going to contract them. If you’re

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expanded, other people will feel expanded around you. They will want to expand. They will want to invest, etc. That’s a short answer.

JA: Barbara, all my love to you.

You’re an angel. BA: Thank you for being so gracious

and generous and creating such a beautiful conscious forum for people to enjoy and master their own enlightenment. It was a complete honor to be a part of this.

JA: I’ve already got some emails

coming in. Kaoko just sent an email saying, “Wow, thank you, thank you, thank youuuuuuuu. Ten star expert interview tonight with gratitude and love.” Lots more of those coming in. Barbara, one more time, how do they get a hold of you and how do they get all the stuff they can get from you.

BA: They can email me at

transformationwithbarbara@yahoo.com and I’ll be sending you free Charisma Coaching and book excerpts and all kinds of wonderful things. You are welcome to share that with your friends if you know someone who’s ready for a shift. I will be ready for them. It will be my honor and joy to serve you.

JA: One thing I want everyone to be

aware of. Some people might think that Barbara and I are

competitors. No, we’re not. We cooperate with each other. She helps me. I help her. There is an abundance in this universe. We live it. There is no shortage for any one of you on this call not to work with other people within your industry to share and to grow to learn. You’ve got to abolish the thinking that there’s not enough. When you think there’s not enough, you’re in a lack and limited thinking pattern which will represent itself in your results. That’s not what you want. I want to help Barbara build her list. I want to help her acquire more customers. She wants to help me. Why? Because it’s the way it works. We’ve both made millions of dollars not because of what we take but because of what we give. That is something that I teach, to be go-givers and go-getters. Figure out a way to give more of yourself tomorrow and for the rest of your life and abundance will wait at your doorstep.

BA: And love yourself forward.

Thank you, dear and much love to everybody.

JA: Absolutely. Barbara you have a

spectacular week. Bye everybody, have a phenomenal week and make sure you tell all your friends about One Coach.