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Reduce Stress With Increased Assertiveness

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Body language, like looking someone in the eye and a f irm handshale, can conveyassertiveness.

What Is Assert iveness?:

Assert iveness is the ability to expres s ones f eelings and assert ones rights while

respecting the f eelings and rights of ot hers. Assertive communication is appropriately

direct, open and honest, and clarif ies ones needs to the ot her person. Assert iveness

comes naturally to some, but is a skill that can be learned. People who have mastered

the skill of assertiveness are able to greatly reduce the level of interpersonal conf lict in their lives, thereby

reducing a major source of st ress.

How Does Assertiveness Compare to Ot her Behavior?:

Sometimes people conf use aggressiveness with assertiveness, seeing that both types of behavior involve

standing up fo r ones rights and expressing ones needs. The key dif f erence between the two st yles is tha

individuals behaving assert ively will express themselves in ways that respect the other person. They assum

the best about people, respect themselves, and think win-win and try to compromise.

In cont rast , individuals behaving aggressively will tend to employ tactics that are disrespectf ul, manipulative

demeaning, or abusive. They make negative assumptions about the mot ives o f others and think in retaliato

terms, o r they dont think of the ot her persons point o f view at all. They win at the expense o f others, and

create unnecessary conf lict.

Passive individuals dont know how to adequately communicate their feelings and needs to ot hers. They

tend to f ear conf lict so much that t hey let their needs go unmet and keep their feelings secret in order to

keep the peace. They let ot hers win while they lose out ; the problem with this (which Ill go into in more

detail momentarily) is that everybody involved loses, at least to an extent.

What Does Assert iveness Look Like?:

Here are some common scenarios, with examples of each style of behavior:

Scenario A: Someone cuts in front o f you at the supermarket.

An aggress ive res ponse would be t o assume they did it on purpose and angrily say, Hey, jackass , no cuts!

A passive response would be to just let the person stay in f ront of you.

An assert ive response would be to assume that they may not have seen you in line, and po litely say,

Excuse me, but I was in line.

Scenario B: Your f riend, who can be quite verbose, calls to vent about her bad day. Unf ort unately, you hav

a lot o f work to do and dont have time to talk.

An aggress ive res ponse would be t o become angry that she obviously doesnt respect your t ime, cut her

of f , and sarcast ically say, Oh, get over it ! I have my own problems!

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A passive response would be to let her t alk f or as long as she needs, and f igure t hat your deadline can

suf f er; she needs your help.

An assert ive response would be to list en f or a minute or two, then compass ionately say, Wow, it so unds

like youre having a to ugh day! Id love to talk to you about it, but I dont have the time right now. Can we talk

later tonight?

Get the idea?

What Are t he Benefits of Assert iveness?:

Assert iveness af f ects many areas of lif e. Assert ive people tend to have f ewer co nf licts in their dealings wit

ot hers, which translates into much less st ress in their lives. They get their needs met (which also means les

st ress ing over unmet needs), and help others get their needs met, too . Having stronger, more supportive

relationships virtually guarantees that , in a bind, they have people they can count o n, which also helps with

st ress management, and even leads to a healthier body.

Contrasting with t his, aggressiveness t ends to alienate others and create unnecessary stress . Those on

the receiving end of aggressive behavior tend to f eel attacked and of ten avoid the aggress ive individual,

understandably. Over time, people who behave aggressively tend to have a string o f f ailed relationships an

little social support , and they dont always understand that this is related to their own behavior. Ironically,

they of ten f eel like victims, too .

Passive people aim to avoid conf lict by avoiding communication about t heir needs and f eelings, but this

behavior damages relationships in t he long run. They may f eel like victims, but cont inue to avoid

conf rontation, becoming increasingly angry until, when they f inally do say something, it comes out

aggressively. The o ther party doesnt even know theres a problem until the f ormerly pass ive individual

virtually explodes! This leads to hard f eelings, weaker relationships, and more passivity.

How Does One Become More Assertive?:

The f irst s tep in becoming more assertive is to take an honest look at yourself and your responses, t o s ee

where you currently stand. The answers to t he f ollowing quest ions will help clue you in:

Do you have dif f iculty accepting construct ive criticism?

Do you f ind yourself saying yes to requests that you should really say no to , just t o avoid

disappointing people?

Do you have tro uble voicing a dif f erence of opinion with ot hers?

Do people tend to f eel alienated by your communication s tyle when you do disagree with them?

Do you f eel attacked when someone has an opinion diff erent f rom your own?

If you answered yes t o several of these, you may benef it f rom learning assert iveness skills.

Knowing where you s tand on t he assert iveness spectrum, and knowing where you want to be, you can read

more on assertiveness training, develop a win-win mentality, and begin becoming more assertive to day!

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