SPORTS NIGHT

"Nothing Up My Sleeves"

by

Seth Johnson

Revised Second Draft December 2, 2002 1001 S. Brooks #3 Madison, WI 53715

seth@inkslinger.org

CAST LIST

Dan................Josh Charles

Casey..............Peter Krause

Isaac..........Robert Guillaume

Dana...........Felicity Huffman

Jeremy............Joshua Malina

Natalie...........Sabrina Lloyd

Kim.................Kayla Blake

Elliot...............Greg Baker

Dave...............Jeff Mooring

Angela..........Suzanne Palanuk

Bobbi Bernstein..Lisa Edelstein

(TEASER)

OVER BLACK we hear unfamiliar voices saying familiar things:

DIRECTOR We're back. Ready 3, Take 3. 2 move wide.

TECH DIRECTOR Ready Graphics 4A and B. Ready Clip 7.

FADE UP ON:

INT. CONTROL ROOM -- 5:40 P.M.

(Dana, Dan, Natalie, Bobbi, Oscar Adams, "Live with Sports Night" crew)

The control room is full of strangers. On the monitors, we see the Sports Night desk, where BOBBI BERNSTEIN is interviewing OSCAR ADAMS:

BOBBI We're just getting started here on "Live with Sports Night". I'm Bobbi Bernstein, talking with Oscar Adams, six-time Senior PGA champion.

OSCAR Glad to be here, Bobbi.

BOBBI Oscar, you obviously know how the fans feel since they named you "Master of the Green". But let's talk about how you feel about your accomplishments. Tell me what it was like to put on that plaid blazer.

OSCAR A thrill, of course. The culmination of a lifetime of early-morning rounds in the rain, never passing up a session at the driving range--

INT. HALL OUTSIDE CONTROL ROOM--CONTINUOUS

DAN fumbles with a deck of cards while NATALIE and DANA stare through the glass into the control room.

NATALIE What a softball question.

DAN Can't really expect "Behind the Music" material when you're interviewing someone from the Senior PGA.

NATALIE Still.

DAN Could have at least asked if he ever had a beer or two on the course.

NATALIE That's what I'm saying.

DAN Guy gets hot walking from green to tee--

NATALIE --hands the caddy his putter--

DAN --and asks for a cold one.

NATALIE I could see it happening.

DAN See, now I want to know.

NATALIE Somehow I don't think Bobbi will go there.

DAN Can't we get her to ask?

NATALIE It's her first show. Besides, golf's not her thing.

DANA This just feels--

NATALIE Wrong?

DANA I feel, I don't know--

DAN Violated?

DANA Yes, violated. There's a natural order to things--

NATALIE Everything in its place.

DANA And now that order has been violated.

DAN Shattered.

DANA I don't remember when we volunteered to let another team shoot in our studio.

NATALIE We didn't. Isaac did.

DANA

And he did it to spread the "Sports Night" label further across the network. A laudable goal.

DAN An admirable goal. A commendable goal.

DANA Thank you, Dr. Thesaurus. But why our studio?

DAN It does only make sense that "Live with Sports Night" might be filmed in the "Sports Night" studio.

DANA And who ever heard of live interviews, anyway?

DAN I believe our show is known for doing those from time to time.

DANA And we use our own studio, don't we?

DAN Pick a card.

DANA Let's have the six o'clock early, okay?

NATALIE I'll spread the word.

NATALIE exits.

DAN Pick a card.

DANA Eight of spades.

DAN From my hand. Pick a card.

Dana picks a card.

DANA Do I tell you what it is?

DAN

No, no. Now put it back into the deck.

Dana puts it back, and Dan begins to shuffle the cards.

DANA We're a machine here. A finely-tuned machine. There are settings on those boards that are the result of four years' hard work. And now they're in there tinkering with that machine like the Junior High A.V. Club.

Dan flourishes a card.

DAN Is this your card?

DANA No.

DAN No?

DANA No.

DAN Not the Queen of diamonds?

DANA No.

DAN Hmmm.

DANA They better be out of there by the time we finish the rundown. Eight years since he stepped on a course, and they have to interview him while I'm getting ready to run a show.

DAN You're sure it wasn't the Queen of Diamonds? You actually looked at your card?

DANA I looked, and I saw the four of hearts.

(to the newsroom)

People! Let's have the rundown a little early!

DAN Four of hearts...

END OF TEASER

ACT ONE

(A)

EXT. CSC BUILDING EST. -- EVENING

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM -- 5:50 P.M.

(Casey, Natalie, Jeremy, Dana, Dan, Elliot, Kim, Dave)

JEREMY and Natalie are sitting at the conference room table, drinking coffee from paper cups and starting at a chessboard, as CASEY walks in.

CASEY I'm thinking about getting a haircut

NATALIE Important sports coverage underway.

CASEY I could be wrong, but it looks like you're playing chess.

NATALIE Not playing. Just observing.

CASEY Observing?

JEREMY We're watching the World Chess Championships, currently underway in New Zealand. Kramik versus Kasparov, their first showdown since London in 2000.

NATALIE But we're actually watching Kezem.

CASEY Kezem?

NATALIE

Kezem. He sells coffee down on the corner.

CASEY The guy with the teddy bears hanging from his umbrella?

NATALIE On the way to work today we stopped and bought some coffee--

CASEY Wasn't there perfectly fine coffee just a few steps away in the office?

NATALIE We were cold and stopped to buy coffee from Kezem.

JEREMY He had a mini chessboard set up on his cart, and I asked who he was playing.

CASEY Let me guess: Kasparov.

JEREMY Kasparov and Kramik.

CASEY Isn't Fifth Avenue a long way from New Zealand?

NATALIE He's listening to the match on a little world band radio. But the thing is--

JEREMY The thing is that every once in a while I check in on the game on the BBC World Service--

CASEY The BBC reports chess matches?

NATALIE The championships.

CASEY Well, at least there's one sports show that won't be haunting us in the ratings.

JEREMY The thing is that Kezem is four moves ahead of the Grand Masters.

CASEY Four moves ahead?

JEREMY His board, his little two-dollar chessboard--at some point Kezem stopped just simulating Kasparov and Kramik's board. Now he's playing out the rest of the game, and he's currently four moves ahead of the real game.

CASEY Seems like a natural thing.

JEREMY Sure it is. There are millions of chess fans tracking the match on the Net and doing the same kind of speculating as we speak.

CASEY Millions?

JEREMY Of course, most of them aren't even in the same mental zip code as Grand Masters and are only guessing what they might do next.

NATALIE But Kezem isn't just guessing. He's right.

CASEY Chess is a logical game. Seems possible that somebody might be able to see four moves down the road.

JEREMY A possibility. But when I went out to grab lunch I stopped to check out Kezem's board again. Guess what?

CASEY Still four moves ahead?

JEREMY Knight to Queen's Bishop 5.

NATALIE Five times he's checked this afternoon.

JEREMY Kezem is five for five.

Dan the rest of the "Sports Night" production team (DAVE, ELLIOT, and KIM) begin to file into the conference room and take their seats.

DAN Natalie--pick a card.

NATALIE Later.

DAN Casey?

CASEY I played along the first thirty times.

DAN Come on--I have to get this down by tomorrow night.

CASEY You really think Rebecca will be impressed by a card trick?

DAN Tomorrow is the third anniversary of our first date.

CASEY And?

DAN She's told me on several occasions how much she enjoys magic shows.

CASEY So--

DAN So I'm taking her out to a nice dinner, and then the new Copperfield show.

CASEY David Copperfield.

DAN On Broadway.

CASEY Not the Brooklyn Tech Dickens production?

DAN "The Magic of David Copperfield", live on Broadway.

KIM Opening night?

DAN Opening night, third row center.

KIM Nice.

DAN They were hard to score, but a bit of the old Rydall charm and the pieces of a magic evening are falling into place.

ELLIOT What's with the chessboard?

CASEY They're watching the coffee guy play the sport of kings.

DAN Isn't polo the sport of kings?

KIM Polo is the sport of princes.

ELLIOT They're watching the coffee guy?

CASEY Long story.

(to Dan)

Let me get this straight: you're taking Rebecca to see David Copperfield--

DAN The magician.

CASEY And you think that after a night of Copperfield, she's going to be impressed by a card trick you picked up the day before?

DAN It's called transference. She's in awe of Copperfield, I do the card trick, that awe transfers to me.

CASEY A desperate logic.

DAN Works for me. Pick a card.

Casey reluctantly draws a card, and Dan goes into his shuffle as Dana enters.

DANA Okay people, let's make this quick. I apologize for having the rundown earlier than usual, but I need to get back to the control room to keep an eye on the J.V. squad.

DAVE Make sure they don't mess with the presets.

DANA They break it, they bought it.

KIM Green Bay is predicting snow, so the game might run long.

DANA Scott's already on the ground at Lambeau?

KIM Good to go.

DANA We'll keep the field report in the 20s, but be ready to bump it to the 60s. If they get snowed out--

ELLIOT Green Bay snowed out? Not likely.

KIM The Ice Bowl.

ELLIOT The Ice Bowl.

DAN Eight of spades.

CASEY No. If there's a delay or the game runs long, we'll stretch the Arkansas training story. I got some good quotes on the phone today.

DANA Okay, that's Plan B, then. Natalie--the piece on the America's Cup contenders?

Natalie and Jeremy are still fixated on the chessboard.

NATALIE What? Oh, the piece. Ready to go. Just needs Casey's voiceover.

DANA Casey--grab some time in the booth with Jeremy before seven-thirty.

CASEY No problem.

DANA Jeremy?

JEREMY Sure, sure.

DANA Okay. Everybody already knows that "Live with Sports Night" is filming in the studio, but I was promised they would be done by six-thirty. So I want to see the technical team in the control room at seven to check things over and make sure that the machine will be running tonight.

DAVE The machine?

DAN The well-oiled machine.

DANA The well-oiled machine that is this show. Anything else? Okay. See you in two.

JEREMY I'm going to go get some coffee. Anybody want coffee?

ACT ONE

(B)

INT. OUTSIDE CONTROL ROOM/NEWSROOM/DAN AND CASEY'S OFFICE--6:18 P.M.

(Dana, Casey, Dan, Natalie)

Casey and Dana stand outside the control room.

DANA I can't believe it. They're still not done with the interview?

CASEY It's a live interview?

DANA Yes.

CASEY And it runs an hour?

DANA Yes.

CASEY And how long has it been now?

DANA Forty-eight minutes.

CASEY My guess is that they'll be done in about twelve minutes.

Dana and Casey begin walking through the office.

INT. NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUS

DANA You know that this is killing me, right?

CASEY I know.

DANA

Of course, you're fine.

CASEY I am.

DANA It doesn't bother you that they're sitting in there--in our chairs, in our domain?

CASEY No, it doesn't.

(beat) What do you think about getting a haircut?

DANA What?

CASEY Me, I mean. Me getting a haircut.

DANA You can't get a haircut.

CASEY I can't?

DANA You can't. Remember the publicity department?

CASEY I do.

DANA Remember the photos they took last week of you and Dan?

CASEY Yes.

DANA Well, those are for a print ad going national next week. People will see that ad and tune in expecting Casey McCall's hair, not a mohawk.

CASEY I wasn't going to get a mohawk.

DANA

Change your hair and you might as well get a mohawk.

CASEY I've had pretty much the same haircut since I got my first job in San Diego.

DANA And that's why people love you. You're a known quantity.

CASEY A known quantity?

DANA Walking, talking comfort food.

CASEY So now I'm meatloaf?

DANA I would have said a piece of pie, but yes.

CASEY And changing my hair will make me--

DANA Squash.

CASEY I like squash.

Casey walks into--

INT. DAN AND CASEY'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

DAN Just in time.

CASEY I think I've got my line down: "Not my card."

DAN No, no--I've given up on the cards. For some reason the pasteboards just wouldn't dance for Uncle Dan.

CASEY If I never hear you call yourself Uncle Dan again, that would be just fine with me.

DAN I've moved on to a rope trick.

CASEY Unless, of course, you become an actual uncle.

DAN You're going to like this.

CASEY Is that an order?

Dan draws a length of rope out of his pocket.

DAN Watch carefully. Notice that at no time do my hands leave the ends of the rope.

CASEY Duly noticed.

DAN A loop, a drape, the magic word--

CASEY Shazam?

DAN --and with a flip, there's a knot in the rope!

CASEY A knot.

DAN Once again, note that my hands are still holding the ends of the rope.

CASEY I learned to tie an overhand knot in Cub Scouts, but I don't remember getting any applause for it.

DAN It's topologically impossible.

CASEY What is?

DAN To tie a knot in a piece of rope without letting go of at least one end.

CASEY Yet you have done it.

DAN I have done it.

CASEY Magic.

DAN Magic.

CASEY Can I assume that at some point you did indeed let go of one end of the rope?

DAN See, now you're just ruining the trick.

CASEY I'm betting it was during the magic flip at the end.

DAN You were the guy who told everyone that the eyeballs in the haunted house were just peeled grapes, weren't you?

CASEY They were.

DAN Well, I've got this trick down. Now I just need to work on my patter.

CASEY Be sure and keep that topology bit. Nothing livens up a romantic evening like college-level math.

Natalie enters.

NATALIE Casey--got a minute?

CASEY Sure. What's up?

NATALIE The interview team is packing up in the studio and the sound booth is free. Can you go record that America's Cup

voiceover with Jeremy while I go downstairs?

CASEY To get some coffee.

NATALIE Kramik just made move 15. I'm going to check move 19 on Kezem's board.

CASEY Good enough. Keep working on that patter, Dan.

DAN That's Danno the Magnificent to you.

ACT ONE

(C)

INT. ISAAC'S OFFICE -- 7:00 P.M.

(Isaac, Dan)

ISAAC Intolerable.

DANA That's right. An intolerable interference with the smooth workings of the show.

ISAAC They're out of the studio now, right?

DANA Well yes, but--

ISAAC No "JETS" spray-painted on the wall to rile up the Sharks?

DANA No--

ISAAC They didn't light any fires or salt the fields?

DANA No.

ISAAC Then what are you in here for? It sounds like there's an empty studio and our people have four hours to get ready.

DANA Still--

ISAAC Still nothing. Didn't I tell you about this three months ago?

DANA Yes.

ISAAC Didn't I offer you both shows? Unite the franchise under one executive producer while we tried to get Live with Sports Night off the ground?

DANA Yes.

ISAAC And why did you decline?

DANA I didn't want to divide my attention.

ISAAC That's right. You said Sports Night kept you so busy that you didn't have time to helm a second show.

DANA I am busy.

ISAAC Not busy enough to keep you from carping about the new team all afternoon. They aren't the enemy, Dana. They're our new partners. Our television siblings. Let's treat them like family, okay?

DANA You're right. I'm sorry.

Dana heads toward the door.

ISAAC

Dana--

DANA Yes?

ISAAC Make sure the kids didn't spill orange soda on our toys, okay?

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

(D)

INT. NEWSROOM--7:30 P.M.

(Casey, Bobbi)

Bobbi is jotting down some notes. Casey walks up.

CASEY Nice interview, Bobbi.

BOBBI Thanks. Though I think I might have tossed out too many softballs.

CASEY Nah.

BOBBI Felt like it. Golf's not my thing, but I'm a quick learner. Next week is Kareem.

CASEY That should be fun.

BOBBI Will be fun.

CASEY Let me ask you a question: when you think Casey McCall, what's the first thing you think of?

BOBBI Journalistic integrity?

CASEY Thanks, but not so abstract.

BOBBI Your voice.

CASEY My voice?

BOBBI Melodic, but with a baritone undercurrent. My voice coach uses you as an example.

CASEY He does?

BOBBI He does.

CASEY You have a voice coach?

BOBBI These days he just helps me hide the Texas twang. It used to be pretty bad.

CASEY Okay. Back to the point: think of me. What's the first thing you think of? Visually.

BOBBI Well, I suppose it's your hair.

CASEY My hair?

BOBBI It's great hair.

CASEY How so?

BOBBI It doesn't bobble, like some people you see on T.V. It isn't frozen in place, like people who use too much hairspray. It just has great body, and it behaves like it should.

CASEY That's the first thing you think of.

BOBBI

First thing I notice. And it's a good color--the right balance of blonde and brunette. Perfect under studio lights.

CASEY What if I were to get a haircut?

BOBBI Why would you want to do that?

CASEY Oh, I don't know, variety?

BOBBI I wouldn't.

CASEY Why not?

BOBBI It's great hair. You shouldn't mess with it.

ACT TWO

(E)

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM--7:45 P.M.

(Natalie, Jeremy)

There are more than a dozen paper cups of coffee on the conference room table.

Natalie enters.

NATALIE You got the voiceover with Casey?

JEREMY In the can.

NATALIE How's the match?

JEREMY Kezem says that Kramik will take Kasparov's rook in four moves. But that can only happen if Kasparov deserts his pawns mid-board and pulls the queen to the back row. Kasparov would have to completely abandon his past strategies to do that.

NATALIE I love it when you get all geeky like this. Makes me think of you in high school. President of the chess club.

JEREMY I wasn't in chess club in high school.

NATALIE You weren't?

JEREMY Too busy on the swim team to hang out with nerds.

NATALIE Nerds?

JEREMY You know, the chess club.

NATALIE The chess club.

JEREMY Full of nerds. Every one.

NATALIE I was in chess club in high school.

JEREMY Well, not every chess club is full of nerds.

NATALIE Darn straight. Some of the coolest kids in my high school were in chess club.

JEREMY Maybe it's just the eight cups of bad coffee talking, but I have to ask: did anyone outside the chess club ever say you were the coolest kids in school?

NATALIE Well, I don't think so. Maybe.

JEREMY Nerds.

NATALIE Says the man who can make the CSC mainframe dance.

JEREMY I am not a nerd. I am a brainiac.

NATALIE That's what they called you?

JEREMY Just before taking my lunch money, yes.

NATALIE I couldn't have gone out with you in high school.

JEREMY Nerds didn't date brainiacs?

NATALIE We had a strict no-brainiac policy.

JEREMY Well, then I guess I'm lucky I didn't meet you until now.

NATALIE Darn lucky.

JEREMY Lucky indeed.

NATALIE Because where else would you find a girl willing to drop thirty dollars on coffee in a single day?

JEREMY You're going down?

NATALIE I'll be back in ten minutes.

JEREMY Bring me a pretzel.

ACT TWO

(F)

INT. CONTROL ROOM--9:00 P.M.

(Dana, Dave, Dan, Natalie)

DANA Well, this is just perfect.

DAVE We started the checklist with the studio systems. I never thought to even look.

DANA And why would you? I mean, I thought it was attached to the console.

Dan enters.

DAN New trick. Ready?

DANA I'll show you a trick. The switcher is missing.

DAN The switcher?

DANA The switcher. The device that allows us to use more than one camera.

DAN It's gone?

DANA Like the sixties.

DAN Where?

DANA If I knew, I wouldn't be standing here waxing poetic. I'd have my hands wrapped around somebody's throat.

DAN Don't we need that for the show?

DANA It's either that or you and Casey sit in a real comfy two-shot for an hour.

Natalie enters--

NATALIE It's snowing in Wisconsin.

DAVE That's news?

DANA The switcher is gone.

NATALIE Where?

DAN If she knew where, she'd have her hands around somebody's throat.

DANA What he said.

NATALIE Isn't that attached to the console?

DAN You'd think, but no.

DANA Okay. Crisis mode. Dave, you see if you can get the switcher from Studio B.

DAVE Don't think so, but I'll chase it down.

Dave exits.

DANA Natalie, talk to Elliot and see whether there's the remotest possibility of doing the show with a single camera and not looking like idiots.

NATALIE Right after he gets done laughing.

Natalie exits.

DANA Dan, give me that rope.

DAN You want to see my trick?

DANA No, I just got a manicure on Wednesday and I figure I can strangle someone with a rope without cracking a nail.

ACT TWO

(G)

INT. DAN AND CASEY'S OFFICE--9:20 P.M.

(Casey, Dan, Dana)

Casey is on the phone as Dan enters--

CASEY Thanks, Tom. I won't. I promise. Okay. Bye.

DAN Dana took my rope.

CASEY Well, that's one good thing that's happened today.

DAN I better get that back before my date tomorrow.

CASEY Because rope is so hard to come by.

DAN My hands know that rope. Physical memory is very important in close-up magic.

CASEY When you look at me, what's the first thing you notice?

DAN That shirt. Isn't that the same one you wore on that remote in Seattle where you were catching fish at Pike Place?

CASEY Forget the clothes. What do you see without them?

DAN You're naked, and I'm fleeing to protect my heterosexuality.

CASEY Okay, I'm dressed, but in a nondescript wardrobe. What aspect of my physical appearance is most noteable?

DAN Is this the hair thing?

CASEY Can you believe it? I've talked to twenty people--an equal mix of men and women, mind you--and the majority of them--thirteen--say that the most noteable thing about my physical appearance is my hair.

DAN You have nice hair.

CASEY I might have said my eyes. People always say I got my mother's eyes, and she had great eyes.

DAN Doesn't she have glaucoma?

CASEY We're talking form over function here. They're beautiful eyes.

DAN Treatment's going well?

CASEY Yeah, it is. She'll be glad you asked. But you think Dana has a point?

DAN Your appearance is an integral part of the show. You can't just run off an get a mohawk.

CASEY Why does everybody think I want a mohawk? I just want something different.

DAN Though a mohawk would be different. And funny.

CASEY I've been talking to Angela, and she says there are these computer programs where they can show what you would look like with different hairstyles. I was thinking that maybe we could work up a few samples and get together a focus group.

DAN A focus group.

CASEY That's right.

DAN A focus group to talk about your hair.

CASEY If my hair is so important to the network, there should be no reason to spare the expense.

Dana enters, and collapses on the couch.

DANA That's it. We're going to look like idiots on national television.

CASEY What's the problem?

DAN The switcher.

CASEY What wrong with the switcher?

DANA Actually, you're going to look like idiots on national television. But when the credits roll--and that won't come soon enough, believe you me--whose will be the first name you see? "Executive Producer: Dana Whitiker".

CASEY What's wrong with the switcher?

DAN It's gone.

CASEY Gone? Did the interview guys walk off with it or something?

DAN Looks like.

DANA Maybe it's not too late to have Graphics change my credit to "Executive

Idiot". Play it for laughs. But I'm not sure the union allows that.

CASEY No clue who did it?

DAN Not so far, but she's holding my rope hostage for use in punitive actions.

CASEY I want to get a haircut, Dana.

DANA Not now, okay, Casey?

CASEY But you're right. Sixty-five percent of those I surveyed said my hair is an important part of the show.

DANA What?

DAN His hair. It's the third host. The Pete Best of Sports Night.

DANA I'm not changing my position, mind you, but I don't remember your hair ever giving the National League rundown or an injury report.

DAN Still--

CASEY It's a central part of the experience for the Sports Night viewership.

DAN They fear change.

CASEY It can't be changed.

DANA Well, good. I'm glad that's settled.

CASEY I want to change it.

Dana gets up.

DANA I'm going to go look for a switcher and pretend that this conversation was all part of some anger-induced hallucination.

CASEY My plan is to put together some focus groups.

DANA A hallucination. Never heard any of this.

Dana exits.

DAN I can't be held responsible if she kills anyone with that rope, can I?

END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE

(H)

INT. NEWSROOM--9:40 P.M.

(Jeremy, Natalie, Dana, Elliot, Dan, Casey)

Jeremy enters with two cups of coffee.

JEREMY Well, Kezem says we're in the endgame.

Natalie takes a cup of coffee, looks at it, then drops it in the trash.

NATALIE How long?

JEREMY Seven moves to checkmate according to Kezem. But judging by last year in Barcelona, Kramik will probably concede in five.

NATALIE Seven moves?

JEREMY Yeah, Kezem's playing further out now.

NATALIE That's impossible, isn't it? I mean, even for IBM's supercomputers, right?

JEREMY That's because IBM can't conceive the unknowable brilliance of Kezem. I am officially convinced that he can either see the future or is the greatest chess player the world has ever known.

NATALIE You're starting to sound like a cultist. Stop drinking that coffee.

JEREMY I can still go down and buy a few more cups, right?

Dana walks up with Elliot.

DANA What's the situation in Green Bay?

NATALIE It's eight-forty local, and still snowing. The game's been delayed until tomorrow.

DANA Delayed? What happened to the Packers of old?

JEREMY The Ice Bowl.

ELLIOT Packers-Cowboys. December 13, 1967.

JEREMY Thirteen below zero--Fahrenheit, not Celcius.

DANA And they wouldn't play in the snow tonight?

NATALIE

Not wouldn't. Couldn't. The plane with the referees is trapped in a blizzard in Minneapolis.

DANA Well, there goes the 20 block. Elliot, give Scott a call and let him know that he can take off his mittens and stand down until tomorrow.

ELLIOT Got it.

DANA Natalie, tell Casey he's going to have to run with the Arkansas thing. I want the new script in ten minutes.

NATALIE Will do.

Natalie walks into--

INT. DAN AND CASEY'S OFFICE--CONTINUOUS

NATALIE Green Bay didn't happen. Dana needs the script for the expanded Arkansas story.

CASEY No problem.

DAN Lambeau Field got snowed in? I weep for the grand history of the Ice Bowl.

NATALIE You missed that conversation. It wasn't the Packers. It was the refs. Stuck in Minneapolis.

DAN I got snowed in at the Minneapolis airport once. Met a guy from Philadelphia who could spoon. You know, hang spoons from his ears and nose.

NATALIE Very impressive.

(to Casey) New script in ten?

CASEY

Already on it.

DAN It was. Not as impressive as a good, well-practiced magic trick, mind you. But it kept us entertained through the long winter night.

ACT THREE

(I)

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - 10:00 P.M.

(Dana, Dave, Jeremy, Casey, Dan, Kim)

Jeremy sits at the chessboard, moving a bishop back and forth as the others take their seats. Dan is attempting to practice his trick with two shoelaces tied together.

DANA Okay. Everybody knows the first item of business is the switcher crisis. Dave, what's the latest?

DAVE Well, believe it or not, the switcher in Studio B is bolted to the console, so there's no way to bring it down. I've got a line on another one from the news division, but--

JEREMY What switcher crisis?

DANA The ongoing switcher crisis.

NATALIE The one where the switcher--

DANA The one that's supposed to be in our control room--

NATALIE It's missing.

DANA Gone without a trace. I blame the interview team. I still haven't been able to get any of them on the phone.

JEREMY My fault.

DANA What?

JEREMY The switcher. I took it down to technical services.

NATALIE You did what?

JEREMY The guys in the control room for "Live with Sports Night" said there were glitches in a few of the transfers, so I took it down to technical services.

CASEY Doesn't techincal services usually come up to the control rooms, rather than the other way around?

JEREMY Well, it was easy to unhook, and I knew they had the diagnostic equipment they needed to find the problem down in their shop, so when I was on my way to grab a cup of coffee I just dropped it off.

DANA You just dropped it off.

JEREMY I must have forgotten to tell you.

(to Natalie) It was during Kasparov's pawn rally--

DANA You do know that we might need the switcher to do a show in an hour or so?

JEREMY They called and said it was fixed a half hour ago. They should be reconnecting it right now.

DANA Dave--

DAVE

I'll check it out myself.

Dave exits.

JEREMY I'm sorry, Dana. Things occasionally slip my mind when I have too much caffeine.

DANA Jeremy, I'm going to give you this rope.

DAN Hey, my rope!

DANA (to Jeremy)

I suggest you take it, because you're going to get it one way or another.

NATALIE Take it, honey.

DAN I'll give you twenty dollars for that rope.

CASEY Hold out for fifty,

DANA Okay. Crisis averted. Kim, Casey's expanded Arkansas story is good for time?

KIM If we don't use the last section about the sponsorship deals, we're twenty seconds short.

CASEY I called again, but he refuses to go on the record.

DANA You have half an hour to get him to go on the record, or you get to spend twenty seconds singing the "I Got Nothing" song.

DAN I'd like to hear that song.

DANA Don't worry--it'll be a duet.

DAN (to Casey)

Call him again.

DANA That's it--thirty minutes to showtime.

ACT THREE

(J)

INT. CONTROL ROOM/STUDIO--10:56 P.M.

(Dan, Dana, Casey, Jeremy, Natalie, Dave, Chris, Will, Kim, Angela)

DAVE Ready 1, Take 1. Ready 2, Take 2. Ready 3, Take 3.

JEREMY How many times do you plan on testing that switcher?

DANA As often as I feel necessary.

(to Dave) Give me three, then one, then two.

DAVE Ready 3, Take 3. Ready 1, Take 1. Ready 2--

ELLIOT Three minutes.

DAVE Two minutes to VTR, three minutes live.

CHRIS Standby 2, 3, and 3B.

WILL Preview animation, standby FX1.

NATALIE Good show, everybody.

In the studio, as Dan and Casey mic themselves Angela continues to prep them for the show.

CASEY What about a goatee?

DAN A goatee?

CASEY Or a beard. Maybe I'll grow a beard.

DAN Because that's exactly what America wants, is to tune in and watch a wombat grow on your face.

CASEY Wombats don't have hair. But I was thinking that next time I take some time off--

DAN Do wombats have hair?

JEREMY (into mic)

Wombats have hair.

CASEY Next time I take some time off, I could not shave for a few days and see what happens.

DAN First of all, you take a day off. When was the last time you took multiple days off?

CASEY That just means I have some coming, right?

DANA (into mic)

If it means that I don't have to hear anything more about this whole thing, I'll give you a week off.

NATALIE (to Dana)

Really?

DANA (to Natalie)

No, not really.

NATALIE Good. Because I thought I was getting screwed out of some sort of mandated beard-growing vacation time.

JEREMY I can vouch that she does, however, skip shaving once in a while. I have to wear sweatpants to bed.

NATALIE Only when you need to be punished. Hope you have those sweatpants ready tonight, mister.

DAN Listen, what's at the root of this?

(to Angela) Did you show him the wrong issue of GQ or something?

ANGELA I am aiding but not abetting.

CASEY Those are the same thing.

DAN Come on--what's with the sudden need for a change?

CASEY My wedding photos.

DAN Your wedding photos.

CASEY Found them in a box last night and looked at them for the first time in years. You know what I saw?

DAN One of those ugly powder-blue tuxes?

CASEY I saw me.

DAN

(to Angela) He was at his own wedding.

(to control room) Dana--is it too late to get this into the show? Casey was at his own wedding.

DANA (into mic)

Bruce Jenner was at his wedding, and it's still too late.

DAN Bruce Jenner was at your wedding?

CASEY It was the same me in those photos. Same face, same height, same hair.

DAN The same you.

CASEY I guess I just felt that after the rise and fall of a marriage, raising a son, seven years on this show, twelve years working with you--I guess I felt that experience should be reflected in my appearance somehow. I should be different.

DAN Grizzled.

CASEY Well, not grizzled. But older, maybe.

DAN You want to look older?

CASEY Well--

DAN Nobody wants to look older.

CASEY I'd settle for distinguished.

DAN Let me get this straight--you're upset because you look the same today that you did in wedding pictures taken when you were nineteen.

CASEY Yeah.

DAN Why don't you just sit quietly over there? I don't want to talk to you anymore.

DANA (to Natalie)

I'm still worried.

NATALIE About what?

DANA About the Arkansas story. I don't think it's long enough.

DAVE Roll V.T.R.

ELLIOT Sixty seconds live.

NATALIE Casey got the quote.

DANA Still.

NATALIE How long?

DANA Fifteen seconds, maybe?

JEREMY We could always report Kasparov's win.

DANA Chess?

NATALIE The World Chess Championships.

DANA He won?

JEREMY Kezem says he's going to win.

DANA

Who's Kezem?

NATALIE The guy selling coffee outside.

JEREMY Kramik should resign in about two moves.

DANA Kasparov, Kezem, Kramik--does everyone who plays chess have a name starting with K?

JEREMY No, but they're all nerds.

NATALIE Watch it, brainiac.

DANA I'm not opposed to reporting on chess, but isn't the guy selling coffee outside a bit of a dodgy source?

JEREMY He's very reliable.

DANA I can't do it, Jeremy. Is there anyone on the ground who can tell us when the match is officially called?

JEREMY In two moves, the BBC will call it.

DANA How long?

JEREMY Anywhere between ten minutes and an hour.

DANA Well, then it will have to wait until tomorrow.

NATALIE It's okay, Dana. We can run with it.

DANA On the word of the coffee guy? Not while I'm in this chair.

NATALIE Not Kezem. The New Zealand Global Network.

DANA Who?

NATALIE The BBC's replay of the match is delayed by an hour. The New Zealand Global Network is broadcasting it live on world band radio.

JEREMY Then Kezem--

NATALIE --was listening to the match live.

DANA And Jeremy--

NATALIE --has been listening to the delayed show on the BBC.

JEREMY When did you figure that out?

NATALIE A couple hours ago.

JEREMY And you didn't tell me?

NATALIE It was so cute when you started to believe in his "amazing genius". Besides, I figured the brainiac would figure it out eventually.

DANA So Kasparov's going to win?

NATALIE Already won.

JEREMY The match and the championship.

NATALIE Almost an hour ago.

DANA I'll need a graphic.

KIM We're on it.

DANA (into mic)

Casey, don't stretch Arkansas. Dan, a short chess bit's coming for between 34 and 35. Jeremy will get you the script at the first C-break.

CASEY Good idea, Dana. Lots of people following chess. Millions.

DAN Ah, chess. The sport princes play when they're not playing water polo.

CASEY Now you're just baiting us.

DAN You caught that.

DAVE We're live in ten.

DAN Hey, Casey.

CASEY Yeah?

DAN You look great.

CASEY Shut up.

DAVE In three, two--

CASEY Good evening from New York. I'm Casey McCall, sitting here with Dan Rydall. We've got all those stories, plus training in Arkansas, raining in Frisco, and snowing in Green Bay.

DAN

There's baseball in Oklahoma, the sound of music in Tampa, and a west side story brewing in Portland. You're watching Sports Night on CSC, so stick around.

FADE TO BLACK.

END OF SHOW