VOLUME IV, ISSUE 3 SEPTEMBER 25, 2008THIS ISSUE SUNG TO THE TUNE OF ‘UPTOWN GIRL’

John Q. at the pump! Page 2Castle raids Village! Page 3

Presidential debate madlibs! Page 3New, confusing Facebook! Page 4

Today: Giant meteor on course to destory civilization as we know it.Tomorrow: Planet mourns loss of Bruce Willis.

TheBlowfish

Inside This Issue

JOKE OF THE WEEK:Q: What is the best way to carve wood?

A: Whittle by whittle!

NOTE FROM THE EDITORS:

Read us online! www.blowmyfish.com!

PARTICLE ACCELERATOR NEWS:

QUIZNO’S NEWS:

FREE TICKET NEWS:

POP CULTURE NEWS:

YOUR MOM NEWS

INDIFFERENT NEWS:

This place sucks, why don’t we have a freaking Subway?

Page $5 Footlong

Scientists complete impressive machine, VCR clock still blinks 12:00.

Page 12:00

I dunno, like, some articles, that kind of shit.

Page Whatever

So you’ve got time to read this garbage, but no time to write me a letter?Page 42

Clay Aiken shocks nation, reveals that he has not been publicly gay this whole time.Page 77

Student Events offers Blowfish editors free tickets to Nas; Eds decline.Page 8

BY DANIEL PIPESStaff Lighter

TODAY’S WEATHER

The magnificent bi-yearly phenomenon, known to locals simply as The March of the Freshmen, brought hundreds of Brandeisians out into the chilly weekend air to share in the spec-tacle. Every autumn, correspond-ing to an alignment of the new demi-planet Eros and Uranus, all freshmen of breeding age leave their ancestral homelands of North and Massell in an attempt to attend the fall concert. Before the arduous journey begins, the freshmen don costumes rich in tradition. These colorful and silly articles of cloth-ing (sideways flat brimmed New York Yankees caps and bright eye catching t-shirts on male species, large belts worn above the belly button and short dresses on the female species) are worn to attract mates and ward off would-be predators. Occasionally, an Ugg can be spotted. The freshmen must trek several kilometers through hilly ter-rain, and the journey is not an easy one. Because the trip is so long, a second re-quirement of the march is all freshmen must imbibe enough alcohol to kill a baby brown bear. The march itself is spectacular; on a clear day, one can witness the freshmen in all their natural glory, stumbling through

campus in small packs. Differentiating them from real people, the freshman slur their speech, speak of a place known only to them called “home,” and copulate on Chapel’s field. The journey is not a pleasant expe-rience for all, however. Sadly, 30% of those that undergo the march will never arrive at the destination. Drunk and with-out parental supervision, many of these freshmen pass out on the side of the road. Observers of this spectacular event in na-ture continue to follow the march all the

way into the concert, where freshmen undergo traditional practices in an attempt to pro-create. Once inside they begin their mating rituals, which involve kissing the forehead of members of the same sex while proclaiming “I love you man”, awkwardly gyrating their hips into each other in a primitive dance, and standing around uncomfortably while occasionally raising one hand into the air, resulting in mas-sive orgasmic pleasure for those involved, and, in the opinion of this reporter, those watching. After hours of sampling potential mates, a select num-

ber of fresh-men will return to their homes with a member of the opposite gender in tow, with promises to “smoke a blunt and just chill you know? Do

you like Entourage? “ Some will engage in copulation for as long as 10 minutes before they enter a hibernation-like state, from which they will not emerge until Sunday afternoon. If you missed this wondrous occur-rence, the freshmen will march again next spring to return to the breeding grounds for the spring show, this time accompa-nied with the slower, even more oblivious midyears, who can be differentiated by their pronounced brows, unique mating calls, and enjoyment of the show Ellen.

MARCH OF THEFIRST YEARS

With the federal government at a standstill over the delicate state of the nation’s financial sector, private philan-thropist and debonair ladies’ man Carl J. Shapiro has stepped in with a generous grant to save the American e c o n o m y . Shapiro, best known for the numer-ous build-ings named after him on Brandeis campus (not outnumbering the freshmen who think jokes about these buildings are still fun-ny), was quick to step in and help his country. The problems in the economy started a number of months ago, when many financial companies, including AIG, Leahmen Brothers and Merill Streepe, decided to squint their eyes and pretend they had money. Assuming that such wishes came true, they then proceeded to give out loans. Many of these loans went to Brandeis students short-changed by the housing lottery, low on resources and desperate for housing. “I knew I couldn’t really afford that corner Mod,” said Debbie Downerstein, who is now living in a Village quadruple. “But the nice man in the business suit said I could have it for zero-down with an adjust-able-rate mortgage, and since when are

you not supposed to trust dashing men in expensive clothing?” Unfortunately, creating money out of thin air ended up not being a great move. Once word got out that most of the mon-ey these companies were lending was less valuable than Monopoly money

(though still better than Monopoly Jr. cash, Whocash and Yen), investors be-gan to panic in the form of turn-ing upward

green arrows into downward red arrows, as well as filling most news stations with num-bers that could only be under-stood by the likes of your dad who actually learned this stuff growing up. “You’ll understand when you get older,” said our dad, when asked to explain just what the hell was going on with the market. The Blowfish also attempted to get an explanation from Mad Money’s Jim Cram-er, but all he did was hit a bunch of buttons that mimicked the sounds cows make and men be-ing stabbed in the heart make. Fortunately for the country, Carl was ready to step in. “I was just getting ready to buy the new Quizno’s and turn it into the ‘Shapiro Sub Station’,

but realized my duty was to my coun-try, not to my stoner students.” Shapiro, however, included a few minor stipula-tions in the enactment of this donation, and as a result the New York stock ex-change will now be known asthe Carl J. Shapiro Center for Money and Judaic Studies. While many are not sure they want yet another part of the country run by Jews, it seems that they now have no choice.

CARL J SHAPIRO TO BAIL OUT ECONOMYBY HERBERT BANES

Summer Intern

Brandeis Benefactor Bails out Big Bad Broke Banks Before Breakdown

Swamp Thing was the only economist to accurately predict the trouble ahead.

Shapiro, however, included a few minor stipulations in the enactment of this dona-tion, and as a result the New York stock exchange will now be known as the Carl J. Shapiro Center for Money and Judaic Studies.

YO, GET THIS:The Blowfish is not a real newspaper, and as such con-tains completely fictional articles. No articles or quotes are truthful by any means and should not be conceived as such. All photos courtesy of the Internet (public domain) and staff.

Judah DruckDaniel Orkin

Sam RoosAnthony Scibelli

Editors

Alex BraverErika Geller

Jordan Goodnough

Alex NorrisRachel SierJordan Smedresman

Staff

PAGE 2- OPINIONStop Fucking with my

Pump

BY JOHN Q. PUBICAmerican

SLICE OF APPLE PIE

Photo Poll:How is the financial crisis impacting your life?

“I’ve had to start preforming at third-rate venues” - Nas

“I’ve had to start begging for change.”- Barack Obama

“I’ll never get Marvin Gardens now! Fuck!” - Monopoly Thimble

“I live in a fucking trashcan. I have nowhere to go but up.” - Oscar the Grouch

“Finally, a break from signing all those dollar bills! My hands get cramped up for weeks!” - Secretary of the Treasury

“It’s getting so bad I had to destroy fif-teen clay pots just to get a rupee! And it wasn’t even a red one.”- Link

Thank You For Reading

Sure enough, as I looked at the other automobile owners, I saw that each one of them was glued to these evil LCDs like a mouse to cheese, assuming the cheese was covered in glue.

Jesse AppellScott Finkelstein

Nate GoldsteinAl Hoberman

ContributorsYael KatzwerDan NewmanKeith RoseBen Swartz

My favorite part of my Sunday routine is cleaning all the beer cans out from underneath my bed. But my second favorite part is my weekly trip to the gas station. I pull up in my 1969 Dodge Charger, Starla, (she’s midnight red with green skulls, classy all the way,) and begin the ritualistic raping of my wallet. Sure, it’s expensive, es-pecially since I usually pour some out “for the homies,” but those seven minutes of solitude while I pour liquid explosives into ol’ Starla are the most important seven minutes of my week. I make a mental grocery shopping list, write this column and six others for student papers across the nation, and polish the areas of Starla that I can reach without letting go of the pump handle. It’s like being in an overpriced, highly explosive, zen garden. So imagine my surprise when I pulled in this week and was greeted with an abomination whose size can only be de-scribed as (Pearl Harbor)*(Katrina)+Bangkok Danger-ous. I’m talking of course, about “GSTV”. GSTV, for you broke slobs without vintage cars to fill up, stands for “Gas Station TeleVision”, and in this journalist’s learned opinion it is a sign of the end of days. It’s a terrible hodgepodge of advertisements, qua-si-informational advertisements, and advertisements, blasted at you from a 18 inch television located directly above your pump. As soon as I saw it, I knew my days of whistlin’ Dixie and other semi-racist songs while at the pump were over.

Sure enough, as I looked at the other automobile owners, I saw that each one of them was glued to these evil LCDs like a mouse to cheese, assuming the cheese was covered in glue. This once proud social group stared vapidly into third-string ESPN anchors rattling off the latest sports statistics, their rear windows going unsqueegee’d. And soon, I too fell victim to the week-old CNN news ‘updates’, caught in GSTV’s siren-esque song. Well, this Grammy-award winning columnist isn’t going to stand for it. TV has finally gone too far. Sure, I’ve been a big advocate of TV in the past. Hell, I’ve got 168 inches of electric thunder in the east wing of my chateau. We all love the 24-hour news cycle (to say nothing of the impressively repetitive 24-hour sports news cycle), and who can resist the witticisms of comedy classics like NBC’s My Name is Earl and The Office, premiering tonight on NBC (7/6 central)? But there’s such a thing as too much of a good thing. Would we appreciate Christmas, or as the jewishes call it, Chuanaka, if we had it eight or nine hundred times a year? What if the winter solstice came every other week? Things like major religious holidays and television need to be portioned out carefully, lest we be-come drunk with power and become a nation of greedy, overweight ignoramuses. Shame on you, ExxonMobile and GSTV. Shame.

LETTER TO THE EDITORSTo the Editor:

Every year, you and the rest of the mainstream media devote hours upon hours of coverage and reams and reams of paper warning us about deadly winter storms or summer UV rays. However, there is an appalling lack of coverage of one of nature’s most deadly phenomena: Fall. Fall, (also known as Autumn, leaf-fall-down-time, and Killer Death Time) is just as dangerous as every other season. Last year, in October alone, seventeen people in Massachusetts were drowned to death in 86” of leaves, the most since 1973. Late afternoon sun glinting off a picturesque duck pond accounted for more car accidents last year than ice and beer combined. Additionally, crisp autumn breezes account for more than 70% of this nation’s runny noses. People think jumping into leaf piles is a harmless childhood pastime, but few realize that more than 63% of these romps end in scraped knees and/or twisted ankles. It makes me sick just thinking about those murderous, leafy bastards. The real tragedy is that, if not for this pro-fall bias in the liberal pinko commie media, some of these autumnal tragedies could be avoided. For example, most citizens don’t even carry a scarf! Scarves are the best possible tool for fighting off the deadly winds. People who live in rustic New England cabins should be informed that by keeping their screen doors on for the whole season so that it can flap quietly in the breeze, they up the Americana-ness of their home to the point where they should be safe even if they don’t leave apple and/or pumpkin pies to cool on the windowsill. So please, Blowfish, as a concerned meteorologist, I implore you to warn your readers. Encourage them to wear light windbreaks and baseball caps, put their fall tires on their car, and make sure that all of their leaves are bagged up into giant pumpkin bags. With one of the harshest Falls ever predicted for 2008, we all need to do our part, or else we could all be dead by Halloween.

Sincerely,Chet Arrington, Channel Six Meteorologist

See, this guy isn’t even listening to his phone call because of that goddamned television!

Dear Chet,

We understand your concern in warning our readers on the plentiful dangers that Autumn brings with it each and every year. However, for reasons that we cannot get into at this present junction, the proliferation and preservation of this paper (and many other fine publications on this campus) rely on the pain and suffering of others. It’s a cruel but

necessary evil, and it works out for the greater good. Like the atomic bomb. The Blowfish is like the atomic bomb.

That’s why we can never print your letter.

The Blowfish

Are you, like this man, a troubled, tortured writer?

Then come to our brainstorming meeting!

Sunday, September 28th, 6pm, Shapiro 313

That’s Debateable: Your guide to tomorrow’s presidential debates

BY WILBUR QUINTINMayflower Descendant

NEWS- PAGE 3

With the Jewish new year, Rosh Hashana, coming up next week, God, creator of Man and Xbox, has vowed to finally stick with his New Year’s resolution. “This year, I have decided to work out at least three times a week and run every other day,” said God, while sitting on his recliner, eating Doritos and watching the Jets game. “Maybe I’ll cut back on cigars too. Seriously, I’m gonna stick with it. I swear to me.” While many do not usually relate Rosh Hashana with the American New Year’s Day, there are many similarities beyond the act of making resolutions. Just like Gentile-Amer-icans, thousands of Jews gather to drink themselves silly and count down the seconds until the year officially starts, after which most Jews celebrate another year of managing not to be killed off. God, who was once a Jew until his subsequent conversion to Athe-ism, still goes through the custom of making resolutions. This year is no different. Of course, many are unsure if God will actually go through with these promises to him-self. Every year, people make numerous ambitious and heartfelt resolutions, only to forget about them within a week. This often includes resolutions to be better people, eat healthier and, in certain situations, not shoot people in the face. God, however, is no exception. “There was that one year, I believe it was 2,349 B.C., when I promised not to flood the world and kill millions of people in the process. Oh, and the time I said I wouldn’t allow the sun to explode and destroy the entire solar system.” When reminded that this event has yet to happen, God apologized for the fact that He exists simultaneously in all points of time and space, and then simply told The Blowfish to file that under “Coming Attrac-tions.” God’s biggest critic, however, is not from Man, but from Mrs. God herself, who has seri-ous doubts about God’s ability to go through with his resolutions. “All he does is sit there all day, saying he’ll take out the trash or make another few galaxies,” said Mrs. God, who insisted on us simply calling her Bertha while also wondering why we look so thin - don’t our mothers feed us anything? “That leaves me to do the chores around heaven by myself. So do I think he will work out for more than a week? You can bet my anthropomorphic ass he won’t.” Yet, God looks forward to proving his critic wrong. “Seriously, I’m gonna pump me

some iron, do a cou-ple of laps around the Universe, make sure Richard Simmons lives for another few years...I think it will be great.” Fortu-nately, God doesn’t believe that his new-found focus on ex-ercise will have any bearing on the way he runs the Universe. “I have a kind of ‘Que Sera, Sera’ at-titude,” He said. “Things usually work out for the best that way. I mean, everything has been running okay so far. What’s the worst that could happen?”

Fall is here, and as we do every fall ending in an alternating even number, the nation prepares to hun-ker down in front of the warm electric glow of the radio and/or television set and listen to some good old-fashioned chit-chat. We’re referring, of course, to the presidential debates, which begin tomorrow. The debates are scheduled to cover the candidates discussing political issues. Expect to hear them talk about the economy, terrorism, the war on the economy, the terrorism on the war, flag pins, which

candidate may or may not be a Muslim, and some other boring shit. Politicos are salivating over these debates. “This is arguably the most hotly anticipated debate of all time,” said blogger Chet Chetly, wiping saliva from his pockmarked chin. “I mean, you’ve got one of the most charismatic, outgoing, inspiring candidates of all time, PLUS that black dude! It’s must-see-TV!” All political bloggers have been echoing these sen-timents from Aaron Aardvarks Aawesome Aablog (which analyzes the political scene as it relates to animales rondentia) to Zed Zygotes Zippy Zap Zlog (which just crams the letter Z into everything in an effort to be listed in lazy, alphabetical generaliza-tions such as this one.) Representatives from both parties have been reti-cent to release details on their candidate’s talking points, but it’s a safe bet that Obama will harp on some vague concept like hope or change or pretty flowers, and McCain will most likely simply repeat him, but with more convoluted phrasing and dorky whiteness. “But why,” said the omniscient third person narra-

First off, I would like to thank the ____ (adjective) members of the great state of _______ (state whose electoral votes don’t justify hosting the debate) for giving me the opportunity to _____ (verb) here tonight. Also, I would like to wish _____ (passive-aggressive compliment) to my opponent, who I am sure will put up a worthy fight.

Also, thank you ______ (emotionless political commentator) for moderating the _____ (adjective) debate.

My experience in ______ (occupation) taught me how to deal with ______ (threat to national security.) My opponent, on the other hand, has only limited knowledge of _______ (anything related to terrorism) while spending his time at one of his ______ (number) houses in the country. He has lost touch with the everyday American, but I will not forget them.

In fact, I know a man in _____ (Southern state) who works as a ______ (depressing blue-collar job) for only _____ (current minimum wage) an hour. My economic plan will make sure to ______ (verb) these brave men and women and bring about ______ (change synonym) to this _____ (adjective) country.

My opponent promises ________ (change synonym) but as we have seen, his voting record is not consistent. During his time in _______ (section of government), he consistently voted against ________ (bill involving puppies or infants) while supporting ______ (anything related to George W. Bush). We cannot allow this country to be lead by such a(n) _______ (adjective) leader.

And finally, ______ (buzzword), _______ (buzzword), ______ (buzz-word), synergy. Thank you, and ______ (adjective) night.

tor, “is The Blowfish running a PREview of an event which clearly would be more interesting to read about in a REview?” Well, in a stunning (and total-dick) move, the United States government (or who-ever decides these things) have decided to hold the first presidential debate for the 2008 election between John McCain and Barack Obama on Friday, Septem-ber 26, the day after The Blowfish comes out. The award winning paper, therefore, will not be able to provide coverage for the debate until two Thurs-days from now, when the debate will have become nothing but a memory to most Americans, and all Eu-ropeans. It’s unlikely that people will even remember who John McCain and Barack Obama are by then. Newer, more important news stories will have oc-curred by then, pushing the presidential debate to Page Four or, worse yet, the dreaded and mysteri-ous ‘Page Five,’ where dead articles wander about lifelessly, knowing that they can never return to the life they once knew, but not yet ready to break their

ties with the waking world. Without any newspaper coverage, and an in-depth analysis of the various lies, fibs, half-truths, white lies, fabrications, distortions, falsehoods, tall tales and carefully prepared slogans that the candidates spout out like chocolate down Willy Wonka’s waterfall, it’s unlikely that students will even remember the debates. As time passes, the debate will settle in the minds of those who have seen in and become blurred, until they remember it as a rerun of Different Strokes. There hasn’t been a presidential debate/newspaper catastrophe on this scale since 1984, during one of Reagan’s debates with Walter Mondale. Reagan, in a spot of Magoo-esque forgetfulness, attacked Mon-dale for not knowing his presidential history. Reagan produced a yellowed newspaper, “left by my paper-boy this morning,” proudly declaring that Dewey had defeated Truman. “It does confuse me why they decided to hold the debate on Friday,” said Greg Fudd, ‘10. “If the debate happens, and the newspaper doesn’t report, in what sense did it happen? It really makes you question the entire nature of existence.”

“You’ve got one of the most charismat-ic, outgoing, inspiring candidates of all time, PLUS that black dude! It’s must-see-TV!” -- Chet Chetly, Blogger

Debate MadlibsSure, watching the debates can be fun. But wouldn’t it be more fun to have your own debate, right at home? With that in mind, The Blowfish presents Madlibs for a response to literally any question.

While many in the Brandeis realm have been relative-ly unaffected by the slumping U.S. economy, residents of Castle Usen have found them-selves forced to revert to the feudal system, which for the most part has involved plunder-ing peasants’ dorm rooms in the low-lying Village. On September 21st, Castle Quad Sena-tor Baron Max von Bergenstein led a group of maraud-ing sophomores down the ancient, wind-swept hills to burn, sack and pillage the unsus-pecting Village folk before retreat-ing to the heavily fortified walls of their dorm. There they will store their plunder and await the cruel winter months ahead. “It was horrible,” bemoaned Ratso McArnold, Village Community Advisor and black-smith. “They burned what they couldn’t carry with them. And they were pretty scrawny, so they couldn’t really carry much at all.” Survivors of this latest raid have been forced to seek refuge in the nearby Ridge Woods, living in ramshackle, half-completed shacks and subsisting on dirt and union wages. As more and more small communities at Brandeis have begun to pledge allegiance to local warlords and as a system of debt-peonage has replaced the “meals” and “points” so recently devalued by plunging stock prices, residents of Castle Usen have benefited from their residence hall’s thick stone exterior and labyrinthine series of hallways. “At first I thought it would be a bummer living here,” commented Albert Johnston, a peasant from A Tower. “But when the invaders from the North broke through our defenses and swarmed into our homes, I was able to easily escape them by retreating into Castle Usen’s elabo-rate system of interior tunnels, otherwise known as hallways. I simply navigated my way through the passageways, while my pursuers got lost running up a stairway to nowhere.” Sadly, Cholmondley, the local court jester, was killed in the attack. Of course, the barbarians to the East also tried their luck at toppling the mighty castle. Led by Mel Gibson, still clinging to the only character to have made him any money in the past decade, the rugged warriors made a daring raid, managing to make it to the mighty Commons Hall. Unfortunately, a last second cavalry charge by Gandalf down Rabb steps quickly sent the invading force into the hills, never to be seen again. While nobody is sure how long this economic crisis will last, the members of Castle Usen have no rush to return to normalcy. With daily banquets in the Commons, which include a large pig stuffed with an apple (or, for those kosher members of the round table, a soy-based pig substitute stuffed with a tapuach) and comely wenches roaming the halls, life is good in the castle. Of course, like all feudal systems, the knights of Castle Usen are unlikely to make it through the summer, when the armies of Ye Olde Res Life sweep through the lands, forcing all from their homes to start again the next year.

Castle residents pillage Village quad

God vows to fufill New Year’s resolution

BY JASMINE BERGERPancake Enthusiast

“This year, I have decided to work out at least three times a week and run every other day. Maybe I’ll cut back on cigars too. Seriously, I’m gonna stick with it. I swear to me.” -- God

After this, the mob attempted to raze Ridgewood, only to find that someone had beaten them to it.

God’s going to start slow by playing a little tennis, and build to a more intesive workout regimen.

BY VICTOR ANDERSONStreet Sweeper

PAGE 4- P.S.

New Facebook More Confusing Than Plot of “Contact”BY ARCHIE KOMICKSHates Parents, Self

“Everyone says they want change, but when we bring it to them, all they do is complain. I mean, we could have just kept the old Facebook and added new, more confusing and superfluous add-ons. Like the wall where you can put pictures of your favorite Nicktoons from the 90’s, or the animated bumper stickers that play clips from “Anchorman.” But that’s not change: that’s more of the same!””-- Marco Bama, Facebook.com co-founder

Soulutions to “Hopped Up On Pop”

Across Clues ------------ 1. Beat badly 5. WWI spy Hari 9. Like Nicholas or Peter 13. Practice or philosophy 16. Shrek’s species 17. “I was taken ____” 19. Jessica Tandy character, with Miss 20. Genetic units, abbr. 21. Youngest frontman ever hits big at Tennessee venue? 25. Neighbor of Ger. 26. Docile, domesticated 27. Come together 29. Web feed format 32. African country code 34. Pixar specialization, abbr. 35. Famous female flyer 36. A trail 38. Mossy growth 41. Recipe amt. 43. AARP member 44. The Butabi brothers attempt to start their own sustainability festival? 49. Urine component

50. Sarandon or Anthony 51. Home to Reyes and Wright 52. Civil rights leader Medgar 56. Cold weather drip? 58. Reaches, as a destination 60. Shuttle Columbia’s maiden voyage 61. Author Bagnold 65. Barack’s informal title 66. Sonic’s system 67. Humbert Humbert and Perry Farrell discuss alternative music? 73. Drug bust officer 77. Computer reseller, abbr. 78. Coke or pepsi 79. Not different, with “the” 83. Historical segregation policy 86. Evil repellants 91. Artoo-____ 92. End-of-the-week cry, perhaps 94. Italian peak, pl. 95. Tigers’ utility man Brandon 96. Prince obediently plays along-side a princess at this year’s fest? 100. Horton heard one 103. All-natural food no-no 104. Sydney dweller 105. Colloquial greeting 106. Embarassing arousals? 109. ____ Chi 110. Anonymous John 112. Unique mobile ID

113. President Garfield’s middle name 114. Alternative magazine, ____ Reader 115. Possible home heater 117. Fanny’s coming of age bal-lads shine at new age Black Rock City? 127. Manhattan or Alcatraz, abbr. 128. Mossy, bossy Seuss character 129. Dining room fixture 130. Excited, awestruck 131. “Love ____ neighbor” 132. Freudian topics 133. Amongst 134. Integral Calculus course no. Down Clues ---------- 1. Riotous crowd 2. In the past 3. It may hold ashes 4. Alexis in Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 5. Wetland 6. Blood typing sys. 7. Eastern path 8. Comic strip cry 9. Sidewalk eatery 10. Promgoer’s worry 11. Baseball bat wood 12. Deli bread 13. Me, Myself, and ____ 14. Slowpokes 15. Short or Sheen 18. Oven locale 19. 42-Down competitor 22. Zero, once 23. Excited 24. “Tasty!” 28. Corn unit 29. Incurred, as debts 30. Former VP Agnew, and others 31. Wisest 33. High, in Latin 35. Kwik-E-Mark keeper 37. “____ amore!” 39. “____ girl!” 40. Alpine home 41. Prefix with meter 42. 19-Down competitor 45. Simile center 46. Drama dept. 47. RPM part, for short 48. Designer St. Laurent 53. Language suffix 54. Doll material, maybe 55. RR stop 57. Nothing 59. 1/16 of a lb. 62. Last week’s musical guest 63. Wall St. opening

64. Mom’s partner 68. “____ la la” 69. Former NHL defenseman Brian 70. “That just may happen” 71. Starbucks orders 72. Moron 73. Single testicle, for short 74. Simian 75. Lab animal 76. Gator cousin 80. Type of acid 81. Hall of Famer Mickey 82. Marx collaborator 84. Also 85. Cease to exist 87. Years, in Ancient Rome 88. Tied, as in shoes 89. Sort of 90. Family sized car 93. Economic plan that might favor the rich 94. Least difficult 97. Stomach muscles 98. Blond comic strip teenager 99. In the lead 100. Mike Tyson org. 101. Frodo or Sam 102. Torrent 107. Not late 108. LBJ’s successor 111. Leered at 114. Actress Thurman, and others 116. Petty quarrel 118. ____-de-France 119. Yuletide drink 120. Miracle-____ 121. Air safety org. 122. PC maker 123. Inventor Whitney 124. Get older 125. Harry’s best friend 126. Putin’s former org.

Film Fest...Alex DeLarge kills at Wood-stockworkorange!

This past week, Facebook shifted its members from the old, boring, easy-to-use Facebook to the New Facebook, a.k.a. MySpace. However, most students, unable to make their way through the new confusing layout, have absolutely no idea if they like it or not. Facebook employees, in their own defense, claim that they were simply trying to deliver what was demanded of them. In this heat-ed political atmo-sphere, change is demanded from all sides. “Everyone says they want change,” said Facebook.com co-founder Marco Bama. “But when we bring it to them, all they do is complain. I mean, we could have just kept the old Facebook and added new, more confusing and superfluous add-ons. Like the wall where you can put pictures of your favorite Nicktoons from the 90’s, or the animated bumper stickers that play clips from Anchorman. But that’s not change: that’s more of the same!” Facebook, the brainchild of Mark Zuck-

erberg, was founded in 2005 A.D. Since that time, the website has remained relatively the same, adding new features and add-ons oc-casionally. There was the status bar in 2006, the highly controversial News Feed later in 2006, and the costly and pointless war in Iraq, that’s continuing with no end in sight. Students are torn over the move to the New Facebook. “I mean, I think I like the new status

bar,” said Herbert Henry, ‘12. “But then again, that might be photos section. In which case, I fucking hate it.

Unless that is where my mini-feed goes. Fuck!” Others were unsure how to get past the first page and were instead forced to stare at the side ads that promised to “Meet cool women/men in Waltham, M.A.” or start the new chapter of SAMMY. Still, others are waiting for the inevitable return of “Facebook Classic.” Many believe this signals Facebook’s

further decline. It began when Scrabulous, one of the more popular applications, was removed by Hasbro, the copyright owner of Scrabble. Hasbro, one of the leaders in the game industry, never realized that in order to really reach out to kids, it is usually best to supply cheap, crappier versions of games people already love. Satan, President of Has-bro, could not be reached for comment. One Facebook employee gave The Blowfish some insight into Facebook’s revolutionary attention to consumer demands. “Well, you see,” stated Klam Gar-ten, “programmers for the New Facebook browse the groups and look at all the people who hate the New Facebook. Then we laugh and laugh and then go to lunch early.” Mark Zucker-berg could not be reached for comment because he was “swimming in a pool of whatever the fuck he wants.” Yet, for all this, there are some that enjoy the new features of New Facebook, though they have been

unable to find such features. “I really enjoy the ability to do...you know...new stuff...I just wish I had some idea where to look to find it,” said one user, before being literally swallowed by his monitor. Another said, “Finally, I don’t have to look at which Dark-wing Duck character you are until I want to. Now...how do I write on someone’s wall?”

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Users Unsure What to Make of New Networking Layout

Submitted for your approval; A major change in a online networking site leads... ah, fuck it, you get the idea.