screenplay-the gov-comedy-sample
TRANSCRIPT
“THE GOV”
SCREENPLAY
COMEDY
While struggling with precarious inefficiencies and outrageous
clumsiness of a federal agency, a conspiracy prevents a
facilities manager from selling government properties that have
been vacant for several years.
Phil Turner, a new government facilities manager, is trying to
sell federal property, to eliminate maintenance costs, but gets
significant resistance from senior employees. Ridiculous
expectations and antics of male chauvinists, curmudgeons, and
challenging employees interfere with Phil’s progress.
Significant struggles include uncovering rashes of narcolepsy,
nepotism, and adultery, and interviewing a group of questionable
companies to take over the vacant buildings. In the midst of a
congressional inquiry, unlikely allies come forward to aid Phil
with his struggle against the conspiracy.
This screenplay is intended for all audiences over the age of
13. Federal employees can definitely relate to the situations
in this story. Certain parts of this screenplay have been
redacted to ensure viewing is appropriate for the public.
The following 25 pages are a sample of the screenplay. A
synopsis and a complete 99 page screenplay will be available at
www.inktip.com in September 2015.
James Patrick is my “pen” name. I, Patrick Garbart, am the
author of this screenplay.
INT. A FRONT OFFICE AREA - DAY
A SECRETARY, sitting at her desk, answers a phone call.
SECRETARY
(into phone)
Bureau of Austerity and Reclamation,
Customer Affairs. Can I help you?
CUSTOMER
(on phone)
Yes. I’ve been transferred five
times and I desperately need to be
connected with the division office.
SECRETARY
Only authorized personnel are
allowed to contact that office.
CUSTOMER
(frustrated)
Listen, I’ve been through this with
several people already. Can’t you
just save me some time? I really
need to reach the division office.
SECRETARY
Have you tried other offices?
CUSTOMER
That is why I am calling you.
SECRETARY
But I don’t handle these kinds of
calls. I work in a branch office.
CUSTOMER
I realize that. Again, all I’m
asking is to be connected to the
division office. You are able to
transfer phone calls, correct?
SECRETARY
Yes sir, but only for authorized
personnel. How did you get a hold
of me? Who asked you to contact me?
2
CUSTOMER
Can I just be transferred?
SECRETARY
Who asked you to contact me?
CUSTOMER
Is that really important? Can’t
you just transfer me to the
division office?
SECRETARY
I’ll transfer you to the operator.
CUSTOMER
Wait! Please don’t do that! I’ve
already spoken to her three times.
SECRETARY
Well, if she didn’t transfer you
then maybe you have issues. Here,
wait please, I’m going to transfer
you to the operator.
CUSTOMER
Wait! Don’t do that!
The secretary hangs up. A MANAGER walks out of his office and
approaches the secretary.
MANAGER
Was that a customer?
SECRETARY
No, just some crazy guy.
INT. OFFICE OF DEPUTY DIRECTOR - DAY
An older gentleman, HERB WALEY, is sitting in his office and
calls his secretary TINA.
HERB
(into phone)
What’s the new manager’s name?
3
TINA
(on phone)
Phil Turner, sir.
HERB
Can you send him to my office? It’s
about time I meet this new manager.
TINA
I will tell him to come by.
HERB
Thanks.
Herb hangs up the phone. A few minutes later, PHIL TURNER, a
younger gentleman, comes by and sits right outside Herb’s
office. Phil notices a fake giant frog above the doorway to
Herb’s office. Herb opens his door.
HERB
Come on in.
Phil proceeds through the doorway. The FROG “RIPPETS”. Phil
notices many plagues on the walls inside Herb’s office.
PHIL
Phil Turner.
HERB
Nice to finally meet you. So how
long have you been with the Bureau?
PHIL
It’s been about three months.
HERB
How are you liking it?
PHIL
Well, I’m learning some things, and
getting acclimated to the culture
and surroundings.
HERB
What have you learned so far?
4
PHIL
I’d like to see if I can improve
the efficiency of my section.
HERB
Yes, I know what you mean. Say,
speaking of which, I’d like to talk
to you about something. I don’t
mean to put you on the spot so soon,
but you have a Miranda Simmons in
your section that’s been putting the
department in a clumsy situation.
It seems that our customer service
reviews are slipping. I’ve been
told that much of it is due to the
behavior of Ms. Simmons. I’m not
sure what is wrong with her. She
should know better.
PHIL
I do know what you are talking
about. I’ve already met with her
twice about her challenges.
HERB
Well, I’d like you to do a little
more. I want those customer reviews
to come in glowing. We can’t have
one of our employees playing games
and disrupting our success.
PHIL
I totally agree and will proceed.
HERB
Say, I like your attitude young man.
Oh, I forgot. Darren Smith is the
manager for the public affairs
section. He’s been giving people a
lot of shit for not getting a new
sofa. I guess he’s had an old
stained sofa for many years.
PHIL
Why doesn’t he just cover it up?
5
HERB
He does. He uses a shirt that says
“Ongoing Crime Scene Investigation-
don’t sit here”. We can’t have that
kind of monkey business going on. I
want you to look into it and make
sure Darren gets his sofa.
PHIL
I’ll check into it.
HERB
I almost forgot. I have to give you
your initial counseling for your
rating period. I’ll just list some
things for you to do. At the end of
the year you’ll sign a document.
PHIL
There’s no quarterly performance
reviews, or discussions for my
individual development plan?
HERB
We don’t do that here. My only
concern is that you sign the main
document at the end of the year.
You know, stating that we’ve had
performance discussions.
Phil is confused. Tina KNOCKS on the door, and opens it.
TINA
Sir, Nate Anderson needs you to
sign his new telework application.
He would like to work at home two
days a week, every week.
HERB
What the hell kind of shit is that?
Every other employee that gets
telework approval ends up taking
naps at home, sometimes all day.
Herb looks at Phil.
6
HERB
Just the other day, I called an
employee at home, on his telework
day. His wife answered and I could
hear him snoring in the background.
To top it off, I couldn’t get a
response from him until he came
back in the office.
Herb looks at the application and gives it back to Tina.
HERB
Hell no. Disapproved!
Herb sniffs the air.
HERB
Tina, what’s that smell?
TINA
I think it is Harry.
A dirty, bearded man walks by the office area.
HERB
Well go tell him to wipe his ass.
It smells like a diaper factory.
TINA
I can’t tell him that sir.
HERB
Alright. I’ll tell him later.
Herb looks at Phil.
HERB
Now where were we?
PHIL
I think we are done.
HERB
Good. Good luck with Miranda.
Phil walks out of Herb’s office and approaches Tina.
7
PHIL
What’s with the frog?
TINA
It’s to warn him of visitors about
to enter his office.
PHIL
Why is that necessary?
Tina motions Phil to come closer.
TINA
(quietly)
It’s because he wants to be warned
while he’s sleeping.
Phil exits the area with a blank stare.
INT. PUBLIC AFFAIRS DEPARTMENT – DAY
Phil approaches a LADY at the front desk.
LADY
May I help you?
PHIL
Yes, I’m here to see Darren Smith.
LADY
Just one minute.
The lady reaches for her phone and makes a call.
LADY
(into phone)
There’s a gentleman here to see you.
Alright, I’ll send him back.
The lady hangs up the phone.
LADY
Go right back to the left there and
you will see Darren’s office.
PHIL
Thank you.
8
Phil walks past the front desk, towards an office. He sees a
shirt covering part of a discolored area on a sofa. He
approaches DARREN, a gentleman in his 50s.
DARREN
Well young man, are you here to
look at my disgusting sofa, or are
going to help me get a new one?
PHIL
I’ll try to get you a new one.
DARREN
I’ve been trying for ten years.
PHIL
(surprised)
Ten years?
DARREN
Yes, ten. I even pounded the desk
in a senior staff meeting trying to
get those knuckleheads to listen to
me. We end up spending thousands
of dollars on needless things. But
they can’t get me a sofa that cost
one hundred and fifty dollars!
Darren pulls out some paperwork and presents it to Phil.
DARREN
You see, I’ve submitted my request
in writing several times.
Phil is surprised after reviewing the paperwork.
PHIL
I’ll talk to purchasing about this.
DARREN
Go right ahead. Good luck.
Phil exits the area and goes down a long corridor and approaches
MS. MARTIN, who is sitting at a large desk.
MS. MARTIN
Good morning. How can I help you?
9
PHIL
Ms. Martin, I would like to get the
order going for Darren Smith.
MS. MARTIN
Let me tell you about that one. It
has going back and forth for years.
Darren has complained so many times.
PHIL
Why have we not made the purchase?
MS. MARTIN
Money of course. But I’ll tell you
what I can do. I will submit the
transaction for ordering today.
PHIL
One hundred and fifty dollars was a
money problem for our organization?
MS. MARTIN
There are issues with ordering
Darren Smith’s sofa.
PHIL
Well, let’s see what we can do to
get to the next step. I’ll come by
tomorrow to see how you’re doing.
Ms. Martin is a little irritated by Phil’s comment.
INT. MS. MARTIN’S DESK – MORNING
Phil stands by the desk of Ms. Martin the next morning.
PHIL
Did you get the sofa ordered?
MS. MARTIN
I was busy.
PHIL
I thought you were going to take
care of the order yesterday! Let’s
see if you can get it processed now.
10
MS. MARTIN
Ok! Let me log into the system.
A picture of a sofa appears on the computer screen.
PHIL
Yes. That one.
MS. MARTIN
Wait now. I have to verify that it
is the correct one. We can’t rush.
PHIL
(frustrated)
It is one hundred and fifty dollars.
It’s the same sofa I referred to
yesterday. And the same item number.
Ms. Martin waves her hands back and forth in frustration.
MS. MARTIN
We are going too fast.
PHIL
All you do is click the submit
button at the bottom.
MS. MARTIN
I’ll have to check on this with my
supervisor. We need verification.
PHIL
Check on what? The request form was
approved. The item is the same. If
you click submit, then the order
will be processed, then shipped.
MS. MARTIN
I’m getting worked up!
PHIL
I’ll let you calm down. I’ll come
back later to help you click the
submit button.
Ms. Martin waves her hands back and forth again. Phil backs off
and leaves the area.
11
INT. PHIL’S OFFICE - DAY
Phil is meeting with his staff.
PHIL
I’ve been here for three months and
had the opportunity to observe the
section. There are some great things
we are doing, and some challenges we
need to resolve, especially in the
area of customer service.
Phil passes out some paperwork.
PHIL
Here is a Code of Conduct for our
section. Can someone read it aloud?
A young lady, MELISSA, raises her hand.
MELISSA
I can do that.
Melissa reviews the document carefully.
MELISSA
Item number one. No game playing.
STEVE, a scruffy employee in his 50s, raises his hand.
PHIL
Yes?
STEVE
Does that include solitaire?
Some of the employees LAUGH.
PHIL
Yes, that includes solitaire.
STEVE
So what am I supposed to do with
all my free time?
12
PHIL
Work. Getting back to the rule,
the first one really means not
playing any interpersonal games.
STEVE
Well, what does that mean?
RANDLE, a military retiree in his 50s, pulls down his eyeglasses
and looks directly at Steve.
RANDLE
What do you think it means? Don’t
play with people! You know, don’t
stab them in the back.
PHIL
Alright. That’s a little extreme,
but accurate also. We need to work
as a team to accomplish our mission,
like getting good customer service
reviews. That’s the primary goal.
The forth staff member, MIRANDA SIMMONS, in her 50s, is giving
Phil a sarcastic look.
MIRANDA
Well, if it’s a rule, I’ll have to
have my Union rep’s approval.
The other employees roll their eyes.
PHIL
There is no approving anything.
That is my expectation.
MIRANDA
I’ll still need to consult my rep.
PHIL
Let’s move on. Next item.
MELISSA
No sleeping on duty.
MIRANDA
You can’t enforce that rule.
13
PHIL
What do you mean by that Miranda?
MIRANDA
If an employee has a doctor’s
note stating that he is drowsy
during his medication period he
will be entitled to sleep at work.
PHIL
Sleep at work?
MIRANDA
Yes.
PHIL
I know of no such entitlement. I
expect employees to be able to
complete their work, maintain a
professional work ethic, and be an
active participant in solving
organizational problems.
MIRANDA
But if I have a doctor’s note
stating my prescription is causing
me to be drowsy then I can take my
own time doing my work.
PHIL
So what happens when the work does
not get done?
MIRANDA
Have someone else do it.
PHIL
Would you be willing to take work
from others if they’re drowsy?
MIRANDA
That’s not in my job description.
You will definitely have to consult
my Union rep for that.
PHIL
Interesting point of view.
14
Steve leans forward towards Miranda.
STEVE
I doubt I’ll have the time to do
anyone’s job for them.
Miranda tightens up.
MIRANDA
Please don’t raise your voice.
STEVE
I didn’t! You are being jumpy.
MIRANDA
Please don’t degrade me.
Steve shuts up.
PHIL
Alright, let’s stick to the agenda.
Let’s get through this.
INT. PHIL’S OFFICE - LATER
Phil meets with Melissa in his office.
PHIL
Melissa, I appreciate your work
ethic. I’m a little confused about
your current workload. Your job
is to conduct status reports on the
buildings that we own. Correct?
MELISSA
Yes sir.
PHIL
You do these every month?
MELISSA
Yes.
PHIL
And the status has not changed in
the last three years?
15
MELISSA
No sir.
PHIL
Why is that?
MELISSA
There has not been any activity.
PHIL
Let me get this straight. The
government is paying maintenance
fees for several big buildings.
Each of them are unoccupied. That
status has not changed in the last
three years? And we have employees
in this agency whose sole job is to
manage the buildings?
Melissa is ashamed and lowers her head.
PHIL
I don’t blame you Melissa. I’m
sure we can assign you different
work, which will be challenging,
rewarding, and make sure our labor
dollars are spent wisely. I’m
going to give you a lot more work
from other areas. I will have to
talk to the contract manager. I
think his name is Larry Smith?
MELISSA
There is something you should know
sir. I don’t know how to tell you.
PHIL
(concerned)
Yes?
MELISSA
Mr. Smith has a very odd habit.
PHIL
What kind of odd habit?
16
MELISSA
I’m not sure how to tell you this.
PHIL
Go ahead Melissa, tell me.
MELISSA
Mr. Smith takes naps.
PHIL
We all must take naps sometime.
MELISSA
What I mean to say is he takes a
nap every day at work.
PHIL
What?
Melissa lowers her head again.
PHIL
So is this the Mr. Nappy I’ve been
hearing about?
MELISSA
It is.
PHIL
I will have to check this out for
myself. Melissa, you’ve been a
good intern, but it is time that we
give you some real work to do.
MELISSA
Thank you for your understanding.
PHIL
I’m going to pay Larry a visit.
MELISSA
Oh, by the way, there is something
else you should know. Larry gets
very mad when he is woken up.
17
PHIL
I’m starting to find all kinds of
surprises in this agency.
INT. CORRIDOR - DAY
Phil walks down a long, quiet corridor. At the end of the
corridor is an office. A door reads “Larry Smith”. Phil peeks in
the office. LARRY is taking a nap. Phil KNOCKS on his door.
There is no movement from Larry. Phil notices several boxes of
copy paper in the corner of the hallway. He picks up one of the
boxes six feet off the floor and drops it, causing a LOUD CLAP.
Larry wakes up.
LARRY
(fumbling)
What the hell happened?
PHIL
Good morning.
LARRY
Who are you? What was that sound?
PHIL
I’m not sure. You are Larry Smith?
LARRY
Yes. What do you want?
PHIL
You manage the realty contract? You
are the contract manager, correct?
LARRY
Yes! Why are you asking?
PHIL
I’m the new facilities manager.
LARRY
Leave the realty contract alone!
PHIL
I’m going to have to ask you to
produce the annual summary reports.
18
LARRY
Why? Who will look at them?
PHIL
I will review them and start
evaluating some opportunities to
defray the costs of holding on to
our vacant properties.
LARRY
We don’t need to do anything.
Phil looks at the drool from Larry’s mouth.
PHIL
You know, you’ve got some drool
coming down from your mouth. That
happens when you’ve been napping
for a long time.
Larry wipes the drool from his mouth.
LARRY
Listen here, I’m not going to have
some young kid come in here and
tell me how to do my job.
PHIL
What job are you doing?
LARRY
You snotty punk!
PHIL
I’m going to leave your office
knowing that I’ve asked you for the
annual summaries. I expect them a
week from today. You should have
plenty of time to produce the
reports, in between your naps.
LARRY
You’re not my boss! Waley is.
19
PHIL
I realize that. But you know what
my expectations are. You have a
nice day. Sorry to have interrupted
your hard-earned nap.
Phil exits Larry’s office.
LARRY
(yelling)
You won’t last!
INT. VACANT BUILDING - DAY
Phil and Melissa walk around inside a large building.
Phil is impressed with its size.
PHIL
I didn’t realize how much space
there was. You could easily put a
couple of commercial jets in here.
MELISSA
We have lots of unoccupied space.
There’s more in the other buildings.
PHIL
Yes. And Larry has lots of free
time on his hands.
Melissa nods.
PHIL
Melissa, let’s look at a few areas
in the building and see how they
match up with the reports.
MELISSA
Alright. How many will we be
reviewing today?
PHIL
Let’s try and knock out all six
buildings. If the buildings are
equally large, then the review
should take all day.
20
Phil points to some old furniture.
PHIL
Why hasn’t this been turned in?
MELISSA
We weren’t able to negotiate with
any government contractor regarding
the disposition.
PHIL
So Larry didn’t have anything to do
with that, did he, in a literal
sense that is?
Melissa looks to the side.
PHIL
This is really nice furniture. I’m
sure we can get a buyer for this.
Phil’s expression changes as he notices an inscription on one of
the desks. It reads “You can’t take my job”.
PHIL
Did you see this? I guess the
employee was wrong.
MELISSA
There are similar inscriptions on
most of the furniture.
PHIL
It must have been a hostile
takeover, with hostile employees.
Phil approaches another desk turned on its side. He sees an
envelope resting between the drawers. Phil picks it up. Phil
opens the envelope. There is a letter inside that reads “Herb, I
can’t leave my husband for you. You are okay, but I need
something more”. Phil raises an eyebrow.
PHIL
(to himself)
Maybe I need to hold on to this.
21
Phil and Melissa continue down the other end of the building.
Phil looks out of a window.
PHIL
This is prime real estate. Has
nobody expressed interest in this
building? It is located next to
nice parks and restaurants.
MELISSA
Our organization has received many
inquiries, but we couldn’t give out
any information. We never submitted
a solicitation package.
PHIL
It seems there’s been an alternative
motive behind keeping the buildings.
MELISSA
I heard a rumor that the contractor
wanted to have Larry turn over the
property in a rent-free deal.
Phil looks out a window.
PHIL
Rent-free? Very interesting.
INT. PHIL’S OFFICE – DAY
Phil is sitting at his desk reviewing some paperwork. MIKE
COCHRAN, a well-dressed man KNOCKS on Phil’s door.
PHIL
(looking at Mike)
Can I help you?
MIKE
Are you Phil Turner?
PHIL
Yes.
MIKE
My name is Colonel Mike Cochran. I’m
in charge of the realty contract.
22
PHIL
I wasn’t aware that the military
was in charge of the contract. I
thought one of our employees was
managing the reality contract.
MIKE
I was in the military. Retired now.
PHIL
I see now. What can I do for you?
MIKE
Well, you can start by letting me
handle the affairs of the contract.
PHIL
Mr. Cochran, I wasn’t aware you
were one of our employees. I have
a Mr. Larry Smith listed as the
contract manager.
MIKE
I’m not one of the employees. I am
the contractor.
PHIL
I’m a little confused. You’re
telling me that you manage the
contract, and you’re a contractor,
and Mr. Larry Smith is listed as
the contract manager?
MIKE
Exactly.
PHIL
Well, since you’re the contractor
I have no need to speak with you.
Larry Smith is supposed to be
overseeing the contract.
23
MIKE
Listen here young man. I’m going
to tell you how everything will be.
I was a colonel in the military and
was offered a job as a contractor.
This is because I am the most
experienced technical expert for
handling the delicate issues of the
realty contract.
PHIL
Our buildings are delicate?
Mike grimaces.
MIKE
Phil, you will allow us to handle
these matters like they’ve always
been handled.
PHIL
I don’t think the taxpayers want to
hear that we are paying property
taxes on buildings that have been
vacant for years. It is time to
cut our losses.
MIKE
Yes, I heard you were working on
selling the properties.
PHIL
It is interesting that you know
things you are unauthorized to
know. Say, I need to slap myself
in the face for speaking with you.
I’m currently violating the
contract. Good day!
MIKE
You will hear from me again!
PHIL
You’ll be violating the contract if
you contact me again.
24
Mike storms out of the office and is approached by Randle.
Randle points at Mike, lowers his eyeglasses and smiles.
RANDLE
Hey Colonel. Don’t be managing the
contract, or you’ll go to jail.
Randle looks up at the ceiling and starts LAUGHING.
MIKE
You idiot!
Phil comes out of the office and looks at Randle.
PHIL
You are rough around the edges, but
you do have a gift of knowing what
to say at the right moment.
RANDLE
(lowering his glasses)
You need to watch that guy. I knew
him when he was in the military.
Did you know he started working as
a contractor while he was still on
active duty? As a colonel, he
diverted funding, illegally, to
support his own projects.
PHIL
Why didn’t Mike’s organization do
anything to correct the problem?
Randle LAUGHS OUT LOUD.
RANDLE
They didn’t do anything because
they were all in on it. Taxpayers
need you to watch out for their
hard-earned money. But watch your
back. Mike has a lot of friends.
I’m not one of them.
Randle LAUGHS again.
INT. PHIL’S OFFICE – LATER
25
Phil is sitting in his office and gets a phone call.
PHIL
Yes? Alright, I’ll be right there.
Phil rushes out of the office, proceeding down the hallway.
INT. LOBBY AREA OF DARREN SMITH - DAY
Many employees are assembled near Darren’s office. Inside the
office is a new sofa. Phil approaches Darren.
DARREN
It’s nice, but not what I wanted.
PHIL
I can see that. It is a leather
sofa. We were wanting that one
hundred and fifty dollar sofa.
DARREN
Now people are going to think that
I have extravagant spending habits.
PHIL
Looks like I need to speak with Ms.
Martin again. I’ll find out why
the other sofa was never ordered.
Darren notices an employee touching parts of the sofa.
DARREN
Alright! Stop stroking my sofa.
INT. MS. MARTIN’S DESK - DAY
Phil approaches Ms. Martin.
PHIL
Ms. Martin, how much was the sofa?
MS. MARTIN
Why? It is a nice sofa.
PHIL
I know it is nice. And very shiny
too. But how much did it cost?