Romantic Relationships

Coming Together 7302

Chances are great that everyone in this class is, has been, or will be involved in a romantic relationship; we all are, have been or will be involved in a breakup of a romantic relationship

Most relationships are bound by a cultural script

What is the cultural script for your relationship?What is our personal script for a relationship?These are associated with relational schemata

Opening the Door

Intimate RelationshipsInvolve friendships/professional as well as romantic relationships

Intimate relationships involve basic emotions such as love, compassion and caringIn intimate relationships we reveal more and share secrets

How do we come together?Similarity

We are attracted to people who look like us, dress like us, like the same things and have the same value system

ComplementaritySometimes we are attracted to people because they are different from the way we are, however, by far, most people are attracted because of similarity

Reciprocal LikingWe seem to be attracted to people who like us

Physical BeautyWe seem to be attracted to people who we think are attractive, at least initiallyIf people like us, though, we think they are more attractive as time goes by

Filtering TheoryStephen DuckSociological or incidental cues

We must have the opportunity to observe each other

Other pre-interaction cuesWe actually scrutinize the object of our interest

Interaction cuesWe converse, exchange turns, make eye contact

Filtering Theory

Cognitive cuesAll our observations combine so that we form impressions of the other personWhat type of person the other isWhat his/her value system might beHis/her political, religious, beliefs

And so on!

Relational Stages - Mark KnappInitiatingMake contactFirst impressionsYou can exit the relationship at this point, but you can also become intrigued with the other person

Experimenting

Finding out about each otherExplore the possibilities of a relationshipSpend time with each otherWhat does this person like? Dislike?Small talk (a way of auditioning for a relationship)

Intensifying

You open up to each other You spend large amounts of time togetherYou self-discloseYou tease each otherYou develop informal nicknamesYours are?

Integrating

Attitudes become more similar and the level of “coupleness” increasesThe couple receives invitations addressed to both of themThey see themselves as a unit with a shared historyWhat are we doing this weekend?

Bonding

Announce commitment to the worldEngagement, marriageMaking a public statement of permanent attachment

Differentiating

Re-establish their own identityCourtship emphasized “we” now emphasize “I”Differentiation can be positiveIndividuals need to keep a sense of self within the boundaries of the relationship

Differentiating

While Knapp refers to differentiation as one of the coming apart stages, it is in reality an inevitable stage of any relationship that has bondedOften it arises when there is a source of tension or stress

Differentiating

This stage can be successful if a healthy balance is maintained between individuality and commitment to the relationship

Circumscribing

Stepping apart for each other just a little bitDon’t communicate with the same quality and quantity of messages as they once didWithdraw from each other to avoid conflict

Stagnating

Things become routine, a hollow shell with no lifeGoing through the motionsExpecting nothing from the relationship

Avoiding

Partners begin to feel too uncomfortable with each other, and create more distance by avoiding each otherThey spend time apartPsychologically avoid each otherClear that the relationship is about to endPretending to be asleep when he/she comes home

Terminating

Partners seek to end the relationshipDepending on the relationship, termination may be a very short stage or it may be a bitter, long drawn out battleThe relationship may end over lunch, a note left in the bedroom or a legal document calling for the dissolution of the marriage

Two ways to end

Sudden death of the relationshipPassing awayMurray Davis, Intimate Relations

Gender Differences in Expressing CareWomen tend to create and express closeness through personal, self-disclosive talkMen rely on instrumental displays of affection, solving problems, physical intimacyMisunderstandings can occur between masculine and feminine individuals because of differences in expressing and experiencing caring

“I love you. I told you that I loved you when I married you, so you can assume that I still love you until I tell you different. If something changes I will tell you.”

Tensions

Dichotomies are tensions that affect relationshipsThey are called relational dialectics

We sense tension when we are pulled in two directions at the same time

Mikhail Bakhtin, a Russian philosopher, saw these tensions as the “deep structure” of all interpersonal experience

Centripetal forces

On the one hand, a centripetal or centralizing force, pulls us together with others

Centrifugal

On the other hand a centrifugal or decentralizing forces, pushes us apart

This isn’t necessarily bad--it provides an opportunity for discussion, an occasion for people to work out their conflicting desires to connect with and differentiate from each other

Autonomy-Connection

For Baxter, this is the primary internal strain within relationshipsNo relationship can exist by definition unless the parties sacrifice some individual autonomyToo much connection and individual identities are lost

Both masculine and feminine individuals desire autonomy and connectionFeminine individuals are socialized for focus on relationships and are comfortable with greater levels of connection

Masculine individuals, socialized toward independence, typically want greater autonomyDifferences can lead to problems in relationships when behaviors are interpreted from different perspectives

The external aspect of this is the pull between being isolated from the rest of the world and being involved in social networks--need time alone as a couple to solidify the relationship, but also need to be with others

Response Strategies to Autonomy ConnectionCyclic alternation. . .we kind of kept floundering around together. . .drifting toward each other and drifting apart again. . .kind of a cycleVery rare is the specifically negotiated alternation of autonomy connection

Response Strategies to Autonomy ConnectionSelectionThis is a proactive approach“We did want both autonomy and connection. We decided we’re going to give this a shot. We just kind of thought, if it doesn’t work out , it doesn’t work out. If it does all the better.”

Predictability/Novelty

We need certainty, but a bit of novelty/spontaneity refreshes the relationshipA dysfunctional condition known as schismogenesis can result from overly rigid, I.e., predictable interaction

Ways to Cope

SegmentationPeople like the spontaneity and excitement of not being able to predict what was going to occur in the interactionSome areas of the relationship, however, predictability is key

One guy speaks

“I guess novelty and predictability in my mind can’t be mixed because they are for different things. Predictability is the confidence that she’s not going to leave tomorrow and go out with another guy. I wanted confidence in that. And for novelty, I just wanted ‘spunk.’ I wanted out time together to be fun and exciting.”

Cyclic Alternation

For many respondents this was driven by the school calendarRoutines of classes, parties, studying, sports punctuated the academic term with the novelty of vacations and summers

One Respondent Speaks

“Especially toward the end of the term when ‘we’ was getting on our nerves, I would long for the break when we would have the time to do whatever we wanted to do. The vacations were like a shot in the arm for our relationship”

Selection Response

Involves a concerted effort to enhance predictability or to enhance noveltyTalking about explicitly about issues such as the state of the relationship

Selection Continued

Some parties achieved novelty through greater autonomous, individual activityOne student says, “The predictability is us; the novelty is me. That’s why I decided to go back to school when our kids were old enough.”

Selection Continued

Novelty by undertaking joint activities

“We were caught in a rut--get up, go to classes together, study together, sleep together, get up, go to classes. . .In the middle of the term we decided to bag the rut and do things on impulse that we felt like doing. We took off to the beach in the middle of the week. We’d go dancing and parting. Both of our grades have suffered for what we did, but we don’t have any regrets.”

Openness/Closedness

Openness: we develop intimacyClosedness: we protect ourselvesQuality Relationships balance these needs

Disclosure is a key element in developing deep and lasting relationships

Turning Points

Nonscripted interaction that can become a turning point in the relationship

First kissFirst argumentMeeting the parents

Working it Out

We use secret tests to determine the depth of the relationship

EnduranceSeparationIndirect hintsTriangle testsInquiryPresentation as a coupleTesting the water through hints, jokes

All of these elements meld together as we develop and deepen our relationships.The ideas we have just discussed offer an understanding of what is happening in the most important of human endeavorsRelationships are difficult, but they are worth it