revising sentences language network padded and empty sentences refining padded sentences improving...

Revising Sentences

Language Network

Padded and Empty Sentences

Refining Padded Sentences

Improving Empty Sentences

Practice and Apply

Revising Sentences

A padded sentence has more words than are needed to communicate an idea.


Sometimes padded sentences have long phrases that can be replaced with shorter ones.

At other times, padded sentences bore your reader by needlessly repeating an idea.


STUDENT MODEL

PADDED SENTENCES

DRAFT

I was upset because of the fact that my friend wouldn’t ride the roller coasters with me. The reason is he is of the opinion that roller coasters look like they could be full of danger.

Repeats an ideaRepeats an idea

Long phraseLong phrase


STUDENT MODEL STUDENT MODEL

PADDED SENTENCES

DRAFT

I was upset because of the fact that my friend wouldn’t ride the roller coasters with me. The reason is he is of the opinion that roller coasters look like they could be full of danger.

REVISION

I was upset because my friend wouldn’t ride the roller coasters with me. He thinks they look dangerous.


Here’s How Refining Padded Sentences

• Think about what you really want to say.

• Look for words and phrases that could be deleted and never missed.

• Look for places where one or two words could replace many words.


Some sentences say nothing or repeat an idea that has already been stated.

I like bike riding because it is fun and enjoyable.

IDEA IS REPEATED


Other sentences make statements that are not supported by facts.

They are my favorite bikes because they are the best ones.

NOT A FACT


Here’s How Filling Empty Sentences

• Eliminate words and phrases that needlessly repeat an idea.

• Don’t leave your reader asking, “Why?” Add reasons, examples, and facts to support your opinions.


Add a reason or fact to the following sentence.

Train travel is better than car travel.1.

Practice and Apply

Eliminate unnecessary words from the following sentences.

The dining car, where most of the passengers eat, offers many different meals and a variety of food.

2.

Practice and Apply

Stringy and Overloaded Sentences

Fixing Stringy Sentences

Fixing Overloaded Sentences

Practice and Apply

Revising Sentences

Often, the reader can’t tell how the ideas in the sentence are related.

Both stringy and overloaded sentences confuse the reader by forcing too many ideas into one sentence.


A stringy sentence contains too many ideas loosely connected by the word and.

Stringy sentences seem to go on and on.


To fix stringy sentences, make each complete thought a separate sentence. Write the sentences in a logical order.


You can use conjunctions such as first, then, when, next, after that, and because to show the relationship between ideas.


STUDENT MODEL

STRINGY SENTENCE

DRAFT

My class visited Washington, D.C., and we went to the National Air and Space Museum, and we saw the Wright 1903 Flyer, which was the first successful airplane, and we saw Viking 1, the first spacecraft to operate on the surface of Mars. . .


STUDENT MODEL STUDENT MODEL

STRINGY SENTENCES

DRAFTMy class visited Washington, D.C., and we went to the National Air and Space Museum, and we saw the Wright 1903 Flyer, which was the first successful airplane, and we saw Viking 1, the first spacecraft to operate on the surface of Mars. . .

REVISIONWhen my class visited Washington, D.C., we went to the National Air and Space Museum. First, we saw the Wright 1903 Flyer, which was the first successful airplane. After that, we saw Viking 1, the first spacecraft to operate on the surface of Mars. . .


You may know what you need to say, but your reader won’t understand you.

An overloaded sentence contains too much information about a single topic.


STUDENT MODELOVERLOADED SENTENCE

DRAFT

Even though most people think that pterodactyls, flying reptiles that lived more than 65 million years ago in Europe and East Africa, were huge animals, not all of them were, and some of them were about the same size as a sparrow.

Too many details

Too many details


STUDENT MODELSTUDENT MODEL

DRAFT

Even though most people think that pterodactyls, flying reptiles that lived more than 65 million years ago in Europe and East Africa, were huge animals, not all of them were, and some of them were about the same size as a sparrow.

REVISION

Pterodactyls were flying reptiles that lived more than 65 million years ago in Europe and East Africa. Most people think that pterodactyls were huge animals, but not all of them were. Some pterodactyls were about the same size as a sparrow.


Here’s How Revising Stringy and Overloaded Sentences

• Break down your sentences into separate ideas.

• Combine related ideas, using conjunctions such as and, but, or, so, then, and when.

• Rewrite your sentences as two or more sentences, making sure that you have not packed too many ideas into any one sentence.


Rewrite this stringy sentence.

My grandmother’s dog is very helpful and he will carry the newspaper from her to my grandfather if she tells him to but sometimes he wants to play instead.

3.

Practice and Apply

Varying Sentence Structure

Rearranging Phrases

Varying Sentence Types

Practice and Apply

Revising Sentences

Try rearranging the phrases in your sentence for more impact.

Words that give the most important information often have the greatest effect at the start or end of a sentence.

Rearranging Phrases

happy birthday.

wishing her aof her friends spilled out,

and fifteenMinerva opened her front door,

Rearranging Phrases

Rearranging Phrases

happy birthday.

wishing her a

Fifteen of Minerva’s friends spilled out

front door as she opened it,

her

Rearranging Phrases

Wishing her a happy birthday,

of Minerva’s friends spilled out

fifteen of

door as she opened it.

her front

There are no precise rules about the “most important” words in a sentence.

You can put interesting details up front to grab your reader’s attention or at the end to go out with a bang.

Rearranging Phrases

You can make your writing livelier by including questions, exclamations, and commands.

Varying Sentence Type

PROFESSIONAL MODEL

VARYING SENTENCE TYPES

What can kids do about pollution in their neighborhoods? Students at Bellamy Middle School in Chicopee, Massachusetts, found out. Chicopee had a problem storing sludge from factories and sewers. In winter the sludge froze before it could be taken to landfills. Some Bellamy students toured the sludge plant to see the problem for themselves—and smell it, too! The town used the students’ idea of building a greenhouse. . . . Look around your community for environmental problems you can help solve.

QuestionQuestion

ExclamationExclamation

CommandCommand


Don’t overuse exclamations. Too many can make your writing seem breathless or overexcited.


Rewrite the following sentence two ways by rearranging its phrases.

The librarian heard a snicker in the middle aisle near the books by Mark Twain.

4.

Practice and Apply

Add some variety to the letter below. Rewrite at least three sentences as questions, exclamations, or commands.

You may be interested in time travel or in life on other planets. If you read science fiction, you can explore these ideas. Science fiction writers often combine scientific information and imaginary characters to create a story. If science fiction appeals to you, it’s a good idea to try a story by Isaac Asimov, Anne McCaffrey, or another science fiction writer.

5.

Practice and Apply

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