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Revising for Order 1 of 70

Revising Sentences for Order

© Steve Whitmore

June 2014


Revising Sentences for Order

At the end of this module, you will be able to identify and

correct stylistic problems involving the following:

Empty Sentence Openers

Embedded Phrases

Weak Endings

Passive Voice


Context for the Style Lectures

Most of the examples used are real ones.

Avoid viewing the strategies presented here as simply a

new set of rules. Apply the strategies as appropriate to

the context.

Learn the patterns in order to simplify the revising

process.

The source for some of these strategies is Joseph

Williams, 2005, Style: Ten Lessons in Clarity and Grace,

Pearson, ISBN: 0-321-28831-9.


What is Style? Each of us has a unique way that we prefer to structure

our sentences and paragraphs (personal style) – often based upon the habits and experiences of writers.

Most disciplines have a preferred way of structuring sentences and paragraphs (disciplinary styles) – sometimes made explicit to writers (but often tacit).

The readability of a text depends upon structuring sentences and paragraphs in ways that are easy for readers to comprehend (cognitive style) – sometimes these principles are not understood by writers.

Sometimes personal, disciplinary and cognitive styles conflict!


What is Style? If the goal is to have your writing accepted by a journal,

study the style used in samples from the journal and try

to match it.

If the goal is to present information in the most clear

manner possible, employ the principles outlined in the

style lectures.

Put simply, a writer’s style depends upon the often

complex interaction between the needs and require-

ments of the audience, and the preferences of the

writer.

Styling for Order 6 of 73

Cognition and Brain Research Research is starting to reveal that cognitive models are, in fact, based

upon neurological functions.

For example, capturing attention activates the amygdala in the brain

(emotional responses and alertness).

The amygdala interacts with the hippocampus which in turn interacts

with the visual cortex.

Learning is then consolidated by transferring information from short-

term memory to working memory in the prefrontal cortex and the

parietal cortex.

Working memory then generates long-term memory, likely via

repetition and rehearsal, in various places in the brain via growth in

neurons and synapses.

The brain potentially has 100,000,000,000,000 (1014

or 100 trillion)

synaptic connections.


Source: David Sousa. 2006. How the Brain Learns (3rd ed.). Corwin Press: Thousand Oaks, CA.

Prefrontal Cortex

Parietal Cortex

Visual Cortex


Cognition and Brain Research

Attention

(Amygdala)

Short-Term

Memory

(Hippocampus)

Seeing

(Visual Cortex)

Working Memory

(Prefrontal Cortex)

(Parietal Cortex)

IMAGING REPETITION

REHEARSAL

To remember information:

• Attend to the task

• Visualize the patterns

• Repeat the information

Long Term

Memory

(Many Places)


Understanding Emphasis

Therefore, the project manager hired six new engineers

Beginnings (subjects) tell us what the sentence is about,

qualify the sentence, or relate back to a previous idea.

Middles (verbs) explain the relationship between the

beginning and the end of the sentence.

Endings (objects) provide new or important information.

The expectations of readers and the practices of writers

sometimes conflict in terms of where to place new or

important information.


Patterns for Empty Openers

There is/are . . . . . . (that/which) . . .

It is . . . . . . (that) . . .



There are many aspects of the problem that have not yet

been considered.



Many aspects of the problem have not yet been

considered.



It is clear that the kiln contributes to the problem.

It is probable that we should measure the wind

characteristics at the site.



Clearly, the kiln contributes to the problem.

Probably, we should measure the wind characteristics at

the site.


Weak Sentence Openers

It is our understanding that the clarifier does not form a

direct part of the treatment system.



It is our understanding that the clarifier does not form a

direct part of the treatment system.



We understand that the clarifier does not form a direct part

of the treatment system.



There is a trust among peers and a growing trust with

management. This encourages open communication and

productivity.



The trust among peers and the growing trust with

management encourages open communication and

productivity.



It is true that there is now widespread acceptance that

there is a solid market for our company’s goods, but there

is now increased competition for our products.



People generally agree our company has a solid market for

its goods, but we also face more competition.


Some Pointers

Avoid replacing the empty opener with the word exists:

There is an obvious way to handle the problem.

An obvious way exists to handle the problem.

Be careful to not change or distort the meaning:

Handling the problem is obvious.


Some More Pointers

Remember to remove that or which if used: There are ten activities that are affected by the change. Ten activities that are affected by the change. Don’t change it is when it refers back to a known thing:

Bob spent six hours writing the program, so it is his

property.


Yet More Pointers

Empty sentence openers can appear in the middle of

sentences as well as the beginnings.

Avoid trying to find or eliminate empty openers while

drafting. Wait until revising (unless you enjoy writer’s

block ;-)


Pattern for Embedded Phrases

Subject Embedded Phrase Verb/Object


Embedded Phrases

Engineers, because they inadvertently write in ways that,

all too often, use technical jargon, lengthy noun strings, and

the passive voice, have difficulty communicating with non-

specialists.


Embedded Phrases

Because engineers inadvertently write in ways that often

use technical jargon, lengthy noun strings, and the passive

voice, they have difficulty communicating with non-

specialists.


Embedded Phrases

This practice, while satisfying the client on whose project

we are working, leads to several of our other clients’ needs

not being met.


Embedded Phrases

While satisfying the client on whose project we are working,

this practice leads to several of our other clients’ needs not

being met.


Embedded Phrases

The bipolar junction transistor, a three terminal solid state

device, which is often referred to simply as "the transistor,"

is widely used in discrete circuits as well as in integrated

circuits, both analog and digital, since the device's

performance is remarkably predictable and quite insensitive

to variations in device parameters.


Embedded Phrases

The bipolar junction transition is a three-terminal solid-state

device which is often referred to simply as "the transistor."

As its performance is remarkably predictable and quite

insensitive to variations in device parameters, this

transistor is widely used in discrete and integrated circuits,

both analog and digital.


Embedded Phrases

For inversion cases, the dispersion models [Figure 3 and

Figure 4 were placed here] do not incorporate mixing

height into E and F stability (e.g., inversion) ambient air

quality predictions.


Embedded Phrases

[Place Figure 3 and Figure 4 here] For inversion cases, the

dispersion models do not incorporate mixing height into E

and F stability (e.g., inversion) ambient air quality

predictions.


Some Pointers

The occasional embedded phrase is OK for stylistic

variety, but avoid separating the verb from its subject.

Place the embedded phrase at the beginning or end of

the sentence.

Split long sentences into shorter ones.

Avoid placing references in the middle of sentences and

never place figures in the middle of sentences.


Pattern for Weak Endings

Subject/Verb/Object Weak Ending


Weak Endings

The information provided in the report suggesting the

cause of the crash was due to mechanical failure is not

persuasive for the most part.


Weak Endings

For the most part, the information provided in the report

suggesting the cause of the crash was due to mechanical

failure is not persuasive.


Weak Endings

However, I believe that neither a simple model such as the

“high limb schlepp effect” nor the observations made of

contemporary hunter/gatherers is realistic, given the

number of inter-related variables and multiple foraging

episodes that might be present at a site


Weak Endings

However, I believe that neither a simple model such as the

“high limb schlepp effect” nor the observations made of

contemporary hunter/gatherers is realistic, given the

number of inter-related variables and multiple foraging

episodes that might be present at a site.


Weak Endings

However, given the number of inter-related variables and

multiple foraging episodes that might be present at a site,

I believe that neither a simple model such as the “high limb

schlepp effect” nor the observations made of contemporary

hunter/gatherers is realistic.


Weak Endings

The department had made a series of requests in their

letters of 15 February, 20 February, and 27 February 1999.

The departmental requests may be listed as follows:

[Bulleted List Follows]


Weak Endings

The department had made a series of requests in their

letters of 15 February, 20 February, and 27 February 1999.

The departmental requests may be listed as follows:



Weak Endings

In their letters of 15, 20, and 27 February 1999, the

department made a series of requests:



Some Pointers

Look for sentences that trail off rather lamely.

Also look for lengthy qualifiers tagged on at the end of

the sentence.

Avoid small phrases introducing a list when a colon will

suffice.


Pattern for Passive Voice

To Be + Verb-ed


Passive Voice

AGENT ACTION GOAL

ACTIVE: Some engineers design bridges.

PASSIVE: Bridges are designed by some engineers.

GOAL ACTION AGENT


Passive Voice

An explanation of atmospheric stability and a detailed

evaluation of its application to this air quality evaluation is

contained in Appendix A.


Passive Voice

Appendix A contains an explanation of atmospheric stability

and a detailed evaluation of its application to this air quality

evaluation.

OR

Appendix A explains atmospheric stability and evaluates its

application to this air quality evaluation.


Passive Voice

The terms of reference for this study have been provided

by the agency.


Passive Voice

The agency has provided the terms of reference for this

study.


Passive Voice

Kirchhoff’s Voltage Law was confirmed by directly

measuring the voltages in the circuit.


Passive Voice

Kirchhoff’s Voltage Law was confirmed by directly



Passive Voice

We confirmed Kirchhoff’s Voltage Law by directly



Passive Voice

As part of the analysis of roadway improvements, the

review of signal progression along Cambie Street will be

required.


Passive Voice

Analyzing roadway improvements requires reviewing signal

progression along Cambie Street.


Some Pointers

Uses of Passive Voice Abuses of Passive Voice

Communicating objectivity Creating false objectivity

Changing sentence emphasis Using habitually

Avoiding blaming someone Avoiding responsibility

Omitting unknown agents Obscuring meaning


This Is Your Brain on Style

There are

It is

Passives

To Be + Ved

Weak Endings

Embedding


Conclusion

Reflections: Which of the preceding style patterns do

you find in your writing?

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