relationship therapy :- part one :- attachment theory

Counselling Theory and Practice:- RELATIONSHIP THERAPY

Heartsease Training, Shifnal Shropshire email : - [email protected]

© 2010 - Peter Creagh, Trainer, Supervisor and BACP Registered Counsellor UKRC Attachment Theory

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Relationship Therapy

Theory and Practice

PART ONE

Attachment Theory




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General Introduction This is one of a series of short notes that explore aspects of Relationships. Arguably, relationships are one of the most important issues that face each of us throughout life. We are , for the most part, conceived through the most intimate relationship between a man and a woman. Our relationship with our mother is extremely important and we continue to have relationships that heavily influence our personality, choices and life. In another short paper we explored aspects of Buber’s theories of relationship. A short resume now follows. For Buber, relationships were holistic and involved all aspects of what it is to be human. Buber explained this philosophy of relationship using the word pairs of I/ Thou and I /It. With these pairs he outlines two modes of consciousness, encounter and being through which an individual engages with other individuals, the world and with reality.. In other words, he suggests that we adopt two attitudes toward relating with the world and with others, either as I/Thou (I/You) or I/It. The I/Thou mode is a way of relating that is subject-to-subject, where we are aware of each other in an holistic manner without the concept of ‘false’ boundaries. To put it another way, in the I/Thou relationship we do not perceive each other as consisting of defined and separated persons with different parts or qualities, but we engage in a dialogue involving each other's whole being – Body- Psyche and Spirit. However, in the I/It relationship we engage at the subject-to-object level. At this level we do perceive each other as consisting of defined and separated parts and thus view ourselves, and others, as part of a world which consists of ‘ things’ with distinct boundaries. Therefore, whilst the I/Thou is a relationship of mutuality and reciprocity, the I-It is one of separateness and detachment. Throughout life we struggle with these two modes and this struggle is fuelled by the tensions between our often conflicting needs for intimacy, independence and identity.

In this second note of this series we look at some aspects of John Bowlby’s work on attachment theory and its application to relationships NOTE This notes are complemented by a series of practical exercises presentations ( not based on the Authors 18 years experience as a Relationship Therapist.




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ATTACHMENT MODEL ‘The Making & Breaking of Affectionate Bonds’.

INTRODUCTION Bowlby,J ( 1979) in his work ‘The Making and Breaking of Affectionate Bonds ‘ outlines some of the main theories and concepts which inform the use of the Attachment Model. This outlines some theories of attachment which are relevant in general therapy, bereavement counselling and in family and relationship counselling. Bowlby’s work was based both on Ethological Theory ( the importance of biological and instinctive roots ) and on research of orphaned children and their disposition to form attachments. His ideas arise out of Object Relations Theory and deal with how we relate to and get attached to ‘objects’ and the ways that we react to loss or separation. This brief note will examine some of the concepts and ideas of the Attachment Model and relate these to Couple Counselling. ATTACHMENT BEHAVIOUR Bowlby maintains , as do others like Rutter(1981) and Schaffer & Emerson91954) , that the seeking and maintaining of proximity to others is a normal activity or impulse for all primates. This impulse may also apply to inanimate objects. Consequently, we can define attachment behaviour as one that results in a person attaining or maintaining closeness to some other individual who is conceived or perceived as better able to cope with the world. Attachment behaviour is at its most obvious in early childhood, but can be observed throughout the life cycle and especially in crisis or emergencies. Some of its main features are :

• Maintenance of proximity with the attachment figure and restoration of same.

• A tendency towards symbolic messages to mark the importance of this particular relationship. E.g. Letter writing , cards , email , telephone/texting, giving presents etc.

• The above is stronger at certain times, particularly in times of loss and crisis. This is also particularly apparent in young children and teenagers where it is a normal behaviour pattern for these stages of life.

The above behaviours can be particularly significant and helpful when examining both family dynamics and the couple relationship.




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ATTACHMENT THEORY - Some of the Main Concepts

Bowlby noted that at around six months the baby begins to discriminate between the people who ‘belong’ to his/her world. At this stage the baby begins to recognise significant people and to form relationships with them. This is particularly true of the primary care giver – a relationship which has probably already begun to bond. It is important to note that attachment is distinct from feeding and nurture. The attachment figure is one who provides closeness and reassurance, particularly in times of anxiety. The task of primary care givers ( normally the parents ) is to help the child in the ( early ) years to accept longer periods of separation. This is in order that he/she will grow up to be happy in forming close relationships and become both independent and confident as an individual. In early childhood substitute attachment figures ( teddy, comfort blanket etc ) often fill the gap left by the primary care giver as and when the child is left alone. Unreliable or Absent Attachment Figures. When the attachment figure is absent or unreliable or if there is a significant disturbance in childhood e.g. going into hospital or care or particularly the loss of a significant attachment figure, this can lead to protest, despair and (often) detachment. The consequences of the above can lead to the growth of the following fears and relationship issues in later life. Fear of Intimacy As an adult we can often become a compulsive detacher, preferring animals or inanimate objects to people, since these do not let you down. Thus we avoid intimacy with people. This can seriously impact on the quality of any intimate relationship. Fear of Separation As an adult we can often become a compulsive attacher, preferring any relationship to none. Consequently, they can rush from relationship to relationship fearing being left alone. In this way they often form a series of unsatisfactory and often abusive relationships Ambivalent Attachment There are also ambivalent attachers who search for the ideal attachment figure until they become disappointed with the reality, rejecting them and searching for a new figure. This search for ‘perfection’ is endless and is rooted in an unconscious desire to relive/renew a perfect original relationship with their prime attachment figure . This is very often one of their parents Anxious Attachment Another possibility is anxious attachment. This is often rooted in a previous relationship where the significant figure kept coming and going.




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APPLICATION TO THE COUPLE RELATIONSHIP ( also to families) After separating from parents during adolescence, most people choose a new attachment figure as an adult. In these relationships they attempt to balance the needs of intimacy and independence, depending upon their previous experiences. Many feel that as we mature we strive to find our ideal relationship. We are either trying to replicate some aspects of a previous ‘perfect’ relationship or, if we have never experienced a good relationship, we are searching for this ideal. Consequently, we search for a partner that can complement our virtues and fill-in our perceived ‘faults’. In other words we search for a partner whose virtues balances our ‘shadow’ side. Recent advances in Neurology and Neuro-Psychology confirm much of Bowlby’s earlier work concerning the importance of our 1st relationship with our main carer. This is because our brain is still forming in our earlier years and very string neural pathways are formed by our experiences as infants. The application of Attachment Theory is useful in wide range of therapies and situations. Attachment theory can be a powerful tool in assisting client’s to gain insights into the impact of previous relationships on the present. Therefore further aspects that are applicable to both family and couple relationships will now be examined, these will include :

• Loss and Bereavement

• A possible ‘Model’ for a grieving process

• Aspects of avoidance

• Possible application to Couples Counselling

• Some typical ‘clues’ for the Relationship Therapist




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APPLICATION TO LOSS If a close adult relationship ends, the grieving process is similar to the reaction of a child who has lost its primary care giver. To some extent the same process is involved with all lost objects e.g. job, health, teddy bear etc. If any of these losses are ignored, a subsequent loss can be the stimulus for grieving for both losses and the person who is mourning is very often unaware of the connection between the losses. Then what often occurs is a ‘process of grief’ Grieving Process A grieving process starts with the loss, referred to as the EVENT. There then follows a serious of deepening and distressing emotions, usually ‘bottoming’ in depression and despair before beginning to recover and reach some resolution. This the leads to a return to some normality of life. This process is shown in the diagram below

EVENT NORMAL LIFE

SHOCK

DENIAL

ANQUISH

ANGER

YEARNING

DEPRESSION

DESPAIR

RESOLUTION

ACCEPTANCE




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The process outlined is only a proposed model. Every human being is unique and can process loss in different ways and at different rates of progress. However, the model does outline some of the more common and universal impacts of loss of people. What can be reasonable accepted is that grief causes deep emotions for all forms of life on our planet. Both humans and animals display signs of grief and loss. So for us, as human beings, some of these emotions are so painful that we can try to avoid them and thus repress, delay or obstruct the grieving process. This can occur either consciously or unconsciously. Strategies of avoidance include : Replacement Instant replacement of a new object/relationship. Very often we can

rush to ‘fill the void’. This can be very dangerous because the grieving process often blocks us from making and taking wise decisions. However, if and when this subsequent relationship fails the subsequent grieving is more intense

Delay/Denial Very often we try to avoid by using denial. Because we find it difficult to cope we use drugs, alcohol or medication ( tranquilizers etc). Now short term use of medication can help but they are not a long-term option. Because , if we continue to use denial the grieving remains incomplete Avoidance Avoidance of despair by turning to drugs and/or alcohol Some similarity with denial but we are more aware of our avoidance Suppression This can often lead to a cycle of Protest – Resignation ( depression) – Detachment ( defensive ) – Anger etc. Using Attachment Theory in Therapy Our task as therapists is to assist clients in shining the light in ‘insight’ into their deeper levels of awareness or the unconscious. These insights can very often lead to clients making connections with their past experiences and understanding how these impact on the present. This , in psycho-dynamic terms, is referred to as ‘the presenting past’. To achieve this, therapists need to look for clues in the clients story and particularly as they relate to past relationships




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ATTACHMENT AND THE COUPLE – SOME CLUES The following may be some indication / clues for the counsellor :

• Clients story provides evidence of previous difficulty with endings and beginnings

• Evidence of severe detachment from primary carer in early life ( death, separation etc). This is often compounded by unresolved grief issues.

• Frequent references by client(s) to the concept of COMMITMENT , REJECTION , LOSS

• Inaccessible primary carers ( evidence of depression, alcoholism of a parent/carer)

• Recurrent patterns of losses and separation – many previous relationships

• Anxious attachment by client ( over familiarity with counselor or others)

• Detached client ( missed sessions, walk outs.) All the above are quite common issues for most clients who seek relationship therapy. Most clients do not display ALL of these but do have several of them. If attachment theory could be applicable, then there will be a correlation between the clues. This correlation will ‘group’ the clues and thus provide evidence for one of the many fears/behaviours common to Attachment Theory. Examples are:

• Fear of Intimacy

• Fear of rejection

• Anxious Attachment

• Ambivalent Attachment

• Detachment




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DEALING WITH ATTACHMENT The counsellor may wish to be guided by the following

• Build up a picture of losses and grieve where necessary

• Facilitate recall of childhood ( birthdays etc )

• Examine feelings around abandonment and separation.

• Examine ending process

• Examine the couples expectations re bonding

• Model security in the whole process of the sessions and the therapeutic contract.

FINAL NOTE Remember that there are often shared attachment problems within a close relationship ( such as a couple or parent ; child etc) – possibly one is anxiously attached and the other is detached.

BIBLIOGRAPHY :

Bowlby, J ( 1988) A Secure Base Routledge, London Bowlby,J ( 1979) The Making & Breaking of Affectionate Bonds Tavistock, London ButlerC & Joyce, V Counselling Couples in Relationships Wiley, New York Laverack & Laverack ( 1994)

The Essential Red Guide to Couple Relationship Counselling Theory

Perceptions

relationship therapy :- part one :- attachment theory

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