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REBOOTING

BRAIN

my



REBOOTING

BRAINHow A Freak Aneurs Refraed m Life

By maria Ross

my



Published by Red Slice Press, Seattle, Washington

Copyright ©2012 Maria Ross

All rights reserved.

Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced,storedinaretrievalsystem,ortrans-

mittedinanyformorbyanymeans,electronic,mechanical,photocopying,record-

ing, scanning, orotherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or108 of the

1976UnitedStatesCopyrightAct,withoutthepriorwrittenpermissionofthePublish-

er.RequeststothePublisherforpermissionshouldbeemailedtoinfo@red-slice.com.

Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: Whilethepublisherandauthorhaveused

theirbest efforts inpreparing this book, theymake no representations orwarran-

tieswith respecttotheaccuracyorcompletenessofthecontentsofthisbookand

specicallydisclaimany impliedwarranties ofmerchantability ortness fora par-

ticularpurpose.Nowarrantymaybecreatedorextendedbysalesrepresentativesor

writtensalesmaterials.Neithertheauthornorthisbookisdispensingmedicaladvice

andneitherintendsthatanyofthisinformationbeusedforself-diagnosisortreatment.

The advice and strategies contained hereinmay not be suitable for your situation.

You should consult with a doctor or healthcare professional where appropriate.

Neitherthepublishernorauthorshallbeliableforanylossofprotoranyotherdam-

ages,includingbutnotlimitedtospecial,incidental,consequential,orotherdamages.

Cover design and print layout: Juli Saeger Russell

Author photo: Alison Jensen, www.alisonjensen.com

LibraryofCongressControlNumber:2011961696

ISBN:978-0-9848939-0-4

ATTENTION CORPORATIONS, UNIVERSITIES, COLLEGES AND

PROFESSIONAL ORGANIZATIONS:

Quantit discounts are available on bulk purchases of this book for educational,

gift purposes, or as preiu ites. Special books or book excerpts can also

be created to t specic needs. For inforation, please contact Red Slice Press at

[email protected]



A note to my reAders

My mission withthisbookistwofold:tosharewhatIhopeyoundan

inspirationalstoryoftriumphoveradversity,andtorevealsomeofwhatI’ve

learnedaboutbraininjuries.IhopeIcaninspireothersthroughthelessonsI

learnedsothattheycanpickthemselvesupanddustthemselvesoffafterlife

knocksthewindrightoutofthem.Itisalsomyintenttoprovideapatient

perspectiveonjusthowtoughitcanbetodealwithaseverebraininjury.

Perhapsthiswillhelpmakethingseasier forotherbraininjury survivorsandtheirfamilies,aswellasprovidesomeresourcesIfoundhelpfulinmy

situation.Itisimportanttheyknowtheyarenotaloneinregardstomany

personality,emotionalorcognitivechangestheymayhaveexperienced.

Asyoureadmytale,pleaserememberthisisamemoiraboutmyown

personalexperiences, interpretations and impressions. It isnotmeant to

beamedicaljournal,scienticbookordiagnostictool.WhileIhavemade

everyattempttoprovideaccurateinformationandhavecitedsourceswhere

appropriate, please understand that neither I nor this book are dispensing

medical advice, and I do not intend any of this information to be used for

self-diagnosis or treatment. Thisismerelyachronicleofmyownpersonal

journey.Otherpeople’sparticularneeds,experiencesandrecoveryprocesses

maydiffer.Ifyouhaveanyquestionsorconcernsaboutyourhealth,includ-

ingheadaches,healthrisksandpost-brain-injuryrecovery,youshouldcon-

tactyourownphysicianorhealthcareprovider.

Ihopeyouenjoymystory.Iwouldbehonoredifyou’dshareitwithanyoneyouknowfacingbrain-injurychallenges,particularlythoseimpact-

edpersonallyorthroughtheirfriendsandfamily.Themorewecaneducate

ourselvesandothersaboutthesurprisingandoftenunseeneffectsofbrain

injury,themorehealingandunderstandingtherewillbeforpatientsand

theirfamilies.

Thisbookisdedicatedtothemillionsofpeopleeachyearwhosuffer

frombothtraumaticandacquiredbraininjuriesthatimpacttheirbodies,

livelihoodsandpersonallives.Youarenotalone.

Best,

Maria Ross



Prologue, ix

PArt 1: Life As We KneW it

TheStormBeforetheStorm3

ThereareHeadaches…andThenThere

areHeadaches11

TheDayIAlmostDied19

PArt 2: Life… interruPted

Chaos,CommunicationandtheRallying oftheTribe25

MyTasteofInsanity35

Not-So-PrettyRoses43

TheFirstHurdle47

TheNewNormal49

TheSecondHurdle53

SanityChecksandaStubbornSpirit57

TheThirdHurdle…LumbarPuncturesSuck63

HairToday,GoneTomorrow67

TheRoadtoRehabBegins71

BlindFaith…andLaw and Order 75

PuppyLove79

SurelySpainWillCureWhatAilsMe81

ItTakesaVillage84

AlteredGoals89

PART 3 : Life rebooted

GoingHome95

One-EyedWillie99

PersonalTraining:BrainInjuryStyle101

INeverMetaTestIDidn’tLike…UntilNow107

TheNecklace113

GivingThanksfor…EmergencySurgery?115

TheScottishChristmasTravelAdventure121

IgnoranceisBliss…butAcceptanceisDivine125

GettingMyGroupTherapyOn131 FlyingSolo141

TheNewMeGoesBacktoWork145

FacingtheFear151

BucketLists159

ClimbingforThoseWhoCan’t165

(CONTINUED)

Contents



PArt 4: Life refrAmed

TwoLongYears177 YearlyFollow-Ups:Drugs,Scansand

Validation181

PArt 5: Life Goes on

GettingBacktoLife…andtheBig

Questions189

TheChickenortheEgg195

TheNewMe199

Resources 205

Acknowledgments 207

About the Author 209

Group Discussion Questions 211

Endnotes 213



August 2008Seattle, Washington

Iwokeupwhensomeonewheeledmybed—withmeinit—frommyhospital room.Evenbefore Iopenedmyeyes, I knew somethingwasn’tright.Afteropeningthem,Icouldseeonlyblurryshapesandfaintoutlinesofcolor,asifIwerelookingthroughadirtyglass.

Mybrain,whichIdidn’tyetknowwasdamaged,triedtollinwhatwashappening.Idecidedthenursesweremovingallthepatientsintothe

hallway,liningusuphead-to-toealongtheupper-oorrailing.Theirshoesshufed along the faux marble oors and voices whispered urgently inthedarkness.

Whattheheckwasgoingon?Whyweretheysneakingusalloutintothehallinthemiddleofthenight?

Sobbing,Ibeggedanursetocallmyhusband.Sheshookherheadno.Shewasprobablytryingtohideherevildeeds,Ithought.Ifeltforthephoneandmiraculouslypunchedinmyhomephonenumber,justbytouch.HowonearthdidIrememberitwhenIcouldn’trememberwhichcityIlivedin?

Ontheotherend,Paulmumbledashefoughthiswaybacktowakefulness.Itwasthreea.m.

“Comegetme,honey!”Icoveredthephoneandtriedtokeepmysobbingvoicelow.“They’veputusallinthehallway.What are they doing to us?”

Hetriedtosootheme.Atsomepointhedidcalmmedown,andthenursereturnedthereceivertothecradle.Idriftedbacktosleep.

Paul,ontheotherhand,laywideawake.Hislively,intelligentwifenowsoundedliketheparanoidconspiracytheoristssheusedtomockontheirfavoriteTVcrimedramas.Whatdoyoudowhenyourspousebecomesadifferentperson,literallyovernight?

Later, I learnedmy mind had trickedme.While I imagined I wastrappedinanendlesscorridor,Ihadactuallybeenwheeledtoaprivateroom.Thenursehadtriedtoexplainthis,tonoavail.Relentingatlast,shewastheone—notme—whohaddialedmyhusband,thinkinghemightbetheonlypersontoassuagemyfears.Therehadbeennosinisterplot,nopatientabuse.Itwassimplymydamagedbrain,playingoneofthemanytricksitwouldplayonmeasittriedtorepairitselffromtherecenttrauma.

Unfortunately,Paulreceivedsimilarpanicked,butunfounded,phonecallsoverthenextseveralnights,notjustone.

TheneurosurgeonshadwarnedPaulafterIwasrushedunconscioustotheemergencyroom,“Wecansaveherlife,Mr.Ross,butthat’sallwecando.Wehavenoideayetwhateffectthishemorrhagehadonherbrain,memories,motorskillsorpersonality.”

We spent the next year and beyond learning what those effectswouldbe.

ProLoGue



PArt one

L A W Kw i

You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best

thing in the world for you.

- Wal d

There’s nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.

- W Ha



tHe storm before tHe storm

It all started withatheatreaudition.Actually,Ihavetogofurtherbackthanthat.Itstartedwiththeideato

movetoSeattlein2007.LovingtheSanFranciscoBayareabutunableto

affordahousewithouthavingtopoureverysparedollarintoamortgage,PaulandIdecidedtotransplantournewlymarriedselvesuptothePacic

Northwest.

Itwasacrazyyear.PaulhadjustsecuredhisGreenCard,whichmeant

my new Scottish husbandwas no longer beholden to his company for

awork visa.A fewyears earlier,unafraidand looking forachange,he

hadtransferredfromOxford,England,toSanFranciscotoworkatour

softwarecompany’scorporateheadquarters.Wemet.Webecamefriends.

Andthenwefellinlove.Manythoughtourcouplinganoddone:me,the

extroverted,energeticandoptimisticstraight-Astudentwholovesbeingon

stageandcompetinginbartriviacontests,andPaul,theintroverted,wry,

oftencurmudgeonlyScotsmanwhopreferssmallgroupget-togethersover

bigbashes,andwholovesvideogamesandcyclingaloneintheMarinhills.

Ifellinlovewithhiswidegreeneyessetbehindsleekwireframeglasses,his

dimpleandhiswittybanter.Ourrelationshipwaseasyfromthestart;we

werejustascontentkickingbackonthecouchtowatchanindielmaswewerehittingthebarswithfriendstocelebrateabirthday…oraTuesday.

Aftercallingoffanengagementwithmycollegesweetheart,throwing

myselfinto—andoutof—atoxicrelationshipandlaughingthroughafew

moreyearsofcrazydatingsagas,I joyfullycried,“Yes!”whenthiswell-

adjustedmanwhoadoredmeproposedonahikeinaredwoodgrove.Iwas

thirty-two.Iknewhewastheguyformeanditwastime.



Evertheachiever,Iwasalwayslookingforthenextstepupatwork—

withoutthinkingaboutwhetherIreallywanteditornot.Onfasttracks,

webothgotpromotedindifferentareasofmarketingforourmultinational

softwarecompanyandhappilyplannedourweddingwhileridingadouble

waveofcareersuccessandgoodfortune.Themoneywasgreatandenabled

ustopayoffallofourdebts.WhenIsay“our,”Ireallymean“my”credit

card bills from years spent skiing in Tahoe, drinkingwine inNapa and

eatingoutatSanFrancisco’samazingrestaurants.Insharpcontrast,Paul

hadcomeoverfromtheUKwithhissuitcase,hisbikesandalaptop,and

hehadinvestedonlyinthebarenecessitiesupongettingsettled.Wequicklybeganstashingawaymoneyforourrsthouse.

Swingingtothenextbigjobopportunity,Iwasrecruitedawaytobe

adirectorofcorporatemarketingatasmalltechnologycompany,which

meantjumpingbackintoasmall-companyenvironmentformorecontrol

andimpact.Iwaspsyched.IworkedwithateamIlovedandwewereon

re.Therewassomuchtodoandscantresourcestogetitdone.Wemade

great strides but thedaysblurred together in awhirlwindof stress and

activity.Theto-dolistnevershrankandourMarketingteam’sinitialshiny,happyreceptionwasnowmetwithevenmoredemands.That’sthecurseof

competence,Iguess:themoreyoudoreallywell,themorepeopleexpect.

WhileIadoredmyteam,Ihatedthedailybudgetghtswehadwiththe

CFO,theghtsforrespectfromthesalesteamandtheghtsfortheCEO

totrustourexpertiseandfollowouradvicetohelpthecompanygrow.

Somedays,Ifeltlikeitwasoursmallbutmightymarketingteamagainst

theworld.AsPaulbeganhisjobsearchpost-GreenCard,wetalkedabout

leavingSanFranciscoandstartingfreshsomewhereelse.

Chicagowasbrieyconsidered,asIhadoncelivedthereandlovedthe

urbanlifeintheWindyCitywithitsamazingrestaurantsandmuseums.

It was also closer to my family in theMidwest. Butwe both couldn’t

imaginegoingbacktobone-chillingwintersandscrapingsnowoffthecar

everymorningafterhavinglivedforyearsonthemildWestCoast.Seattle,

Washington,andPortland,Oregon,becamestrongalternatestotheBay

Area—andbothweremoreaffordabletoboot.“Whydon’tyoujustworkwithrecruitersintheBayAreaandSeattle

and we’ll let the job opportunity decide where we go?” I suggested.

Heagreed.

Seattle-basedMicrosoftsooncamecalling,asdidsomesmallup-and-

comingBayAreacompanies.Paulhadhispick.Weighingtheoptions,we

4 . . . mAriA ross



lookedateverythingMicrosoftoffered—experience,opportunityandkiller

benets.

Thosebenetswouldlatersaveourpeaceofmindandbankaccountin

wayswecouldn’tpossiblyimagineatthetime.

WithPaul’sjobacceptance,weheadednorth.Ikeptmyjobandworked

remotelyfromhome,sinceImanagedallmycontractorsoveremailand

phoneanyway.Inmysparetime,Iresearchedhangingoutmyownshingle

andbecomingafreelancemarketingconsultant.Thisarrangementactually

becametheperfecttransition.

Whatawhirlwind.PaulhadtostarthisjobinSeattleinAugust,twomonthsbeforeIcould

joinhim.Besidesbeingamarketer,Iamalsoanactressonthesideand

activeinthetheatrescene.Atthattime,Iwasinaplay—acomedicsatire

ofCitizen Kane—andourperformanceslastedintoOctober.Iwantedto

seeitthrough.

InAugust,Ijuggledthefrustratingtechjob,theplayrehearsals—and

buyingahouse.PaulandIwentuptoSeattletohousehuntandafterseeing

overtenhousesintwodays,wedecidedtoplaceanofferonafabulousnew townhome in Seattle’s Queen Anne neighborhood. We did all the

paperworkviaFedExsincewewereintwodifferentplaces.Butwegot

throughourrsthouse-buyingandmortgageexperiencerelativelyquickly

andunscathed.

Settled inbyOctober 2007, just intime to celebratemythirty-fth

birthday,we began our new life.Wealready had somegreat friends in

Seattle—BarbandGuy—buttheyweretheonlyonesweknew.Guyhad

workedwithbothofusatourpreviouscompany.Lankyandtall,he’sgot

themostlaughingblueeyesI’veeverseenandhe’squickwithahugesmile,

hugorenthusiasticcheerofsupport.He’salwaysgametodosomething

funand,verymuchlikeme,getsexcitedbytheideaofaweekendtrip

toMexicoorrentingaskichaletinFrancewithoutthinkingthroughthe

logistics.Barb,abrunettebeautywithwarm,intelligenteyesandaneasy

smile,ishiscounterpoint:practical,analyticalandabletotakeastepback

tothinkthingsthrough.WeoftenjokethatBarbisPaulandGuyismeinourrespectivemarriages.BarbandPaularethecalminginuencesagainst

ourwhirlingdervishpersonalities.ThankGodthatGuyandIcanorbit

around people like that and each couple can create a harmonious duo

greaterthanthesumofitsparts.

BarbandGuyintroducedustotheircircleandIalsocontactedfolks

withwhomfriendshadsetmeup.Itfeltlikeonlinedating.Itypicallyemailed

rebootinG my brAin . . . 5



someoneIhadnevermetafterourmutualfriendmadeanintroduction,and

mettheminabarorcoffeeshopsomewhere,notquiteknowingwhatto

expect.

Manyafternoonsfoundmeclutchingmylatteatatablealone,fretting,

“Doesmyhairlookokay?Isthatpersonwhojustwalkedthroughthedoor

thepersonI’msupposedtomeet?Actcasual!DopeoplethinkI’mbeing

stoodup?”

SomefolksIclickedwith,othersIdidnot.Islowlyexpandedmysmall

network.

January 2008 came along and we started looking for a dog. BothPaulandIgrewupwithdogsandknewwewantedone.SoonEddie,a

skittishandpetite(fortypoundsfullygrown)BlackLabmixwithsoulful

eyesandabouncystepjoinedourfamilyafterjustonevisittotheanimal

shelter.ThankGodhewasalreadyhousetrained,butwewenttherounds

ofobediencetraining,strugglingwithtakingcontrolof“thewalk”and

acclimatingtocaringandfeedinganotherlittlecreature.Itwaslikegetting

usedtoanewbaby,butwithlessscreamingandmoresleep.

Itwasaround this time thatmycompany nallydecided to layoffstaffinorderto trimcosts.Thankfully,I’dbeenmentallygearingupthe

consulting practice and was told about the layoff one morning, which

I alreadyknewwas coming andhad secretly hoped for so I’d have no

excusenottotrymyhandatentrepreneurship.Bythatsameafternoon,

mywebsitewentliveandInotiedmyentirenetworkthatRedSlice,my

branding and marketing consultancy, was open for business. I eagerly

startednetworking,consultingwithlawyersandaccountants,andlearning

howtobeabusinessowner.

So let’s review:Newjob forPaul,new city for us,newhouse,new

dog,newbusiness,newfriends,newroutine,newfavoritehangouts,and

newlife.Talkaboutaperfectstormofextremestress.Absorbingallofthis

changesuckedtheenergyrightoutofus.Mostnights,wefellintobed,

exhausted.

Oh,andlestIforget:IwasalsolearningallabouttheSeattleacting

sceneandinvestigatingauditionopportunities.Lifewasafrenzybutitwasgoingtobegreat,wesaid.Withmyownfreelancebusiness,Iwasgoingto

haveoodlesoftimetoactandwrite,mytwofavoritepassions.Ha.When

you’rerunningyourownbusiness,Ionceheardsomeonesay,youcanwork

whenever youwant.As long as its twenty-fourhours aday, sevendays

aweek.

6 . . . mAriA ross



Sonowthatyouhavethelayoftheland,let’spickupwhereweleftoff.

Itallstartedwithatheatreaudition…

Early June, 2008

ItrekkedouttoIssaquah,alovelylittletownaboutfteenminuteseast

ofSeattle.TheVillageTheatrewasholdingopenauditionsfortheirentire

seasonandIhopedtogetcastinThe Importance of Being Earnest.I’mahuge

fanofcomedicperiodpieces.Idrovetothequaintolddowntownthatseemed

frozeninanothereraandparkednearthemarqueeofthehistorictheatre.

Howexciting!Arealtheatre—notamakeshiftindustrialspacethatwasthenormfortheindependenttheatresceneI’dbeenusedtobackinSanFrancisco.

I rehearsedmy twomonologues in the lobby, didmy vocal exercises,

warmedupmytongue,andevendidafewsidestretchesandjumpingjacks

toloosenup.

“MariaRoss?”

Iwasup.AsIenteredthemajesticoldtheatre,itwassomewhatdark

butthestagewaslitlikeaninterrogationroom.Heartracingandpalms

sweating,Isaidhellotothebarelyvisiblefourauditorsseatedinthemiddlerowandcondentlymarchedontothestage.Thegreatthingaboutbeingin

thisscenarioisthatyouactuallycan’tseetheirfacesverywellandforme,

thatmakesiteasiertoletlooseandperform.Ican’tseeiftheyhateitornot.

Iperformedmytwomonologues,probablytoofast.ButIneverletmy

nervesshow.MyheartwaspoundinginmyearsbutIignoredit.I’ddone

thisenoughtimestoknowhowtojustignoreallthefearandfocusonthe

performanceasmuchasIcan.

“Thankyouverymuch,Maria.Thatwasgreat.”

“Well, thank you for theopportunity to audition today.” It always

helpstobepoliteandprofessionalsotheydon’tassumeyou’llbeadiva.

Isteppedoffstageandwalkedbackuptheaisleasmynerves“came

down.”Acalmwavewashedovermytensemusclesasadrenalinesubsided

andItookadeep,luxuriousbreath.Mypulseslowlyreturnedtonormal.

OrsoIthought.

WhenIhadalmostreachedthereardoor,Ifaltered.Thebloodinmyheadfeltasifitrusheddowntomyfeetlikeareleasedgrainchute,leaving

melightheaded.Whereonesecondtherehadbeennopain,ahugespike

wassuddenlypoundedintothetopofmyhead,blindingme.

Igrabbedforanearbypole.Myneckmusclescrampedinstubborn

agonyandsoonmyentirebackseizedupasifIhadjustliftedtooheavyof

aweight.NauseasetinasIstruggledtocomprehendwhathadhappenedto




meinthelastveseconds.Swiftlygulpingairinandout,Itriedtoregulate

my breathing, and thought this was just a serious case of performance

anxiety.

Iwalkedtothelobbyrestroomasifabookwasbalancedonmyhead,

tryinghardnottoupsetasinglemuscleforfearofcollapsinglikeahouse

ofcards.Mercifully,noonewasinthereasIfumbledtothesinktosplash

coldwateronmyface.Yearsagoinkindergarten,we’dhadaparticularly

hotspringinNewYork.Myteachertolduswecouldcooldownbyrunning

coldwaterovertheinsideofourwrists.Notsurewhyitworks,butitdoes.

Iheededheradviceinthattheatrebathroomandthought,“Wow,youmusthavebeensonervousthatyourbloodpressurespiked.Let’sjustworkon

bringingyoubackdown,missy.”

High blood pressure runs inmy family.BeingaTypeApersonality

myself,Ihavehadboutsofitinthepast.Atonepointinmyearlythirties,

Ineededmedicationforthehighbloodpressure,butthenitsettleddown—

perhapsafterInallydumpedthetoxicboyfriend—andIwasabletogo

offthepills.

Shockedandstilldisoriented,Ithoughtmaybethiswasjustanextremereactiontothenervesandstressduringthelastfewmonths.

Proud that I had avoided passing out or throwing up, I thought

I had everything under control. But as I turned away from the

sink, my neck and back pain came back into sharp focus and I

couldn’t turn my head or even stand up straight without tears

springing to my eyes. I somehow managed to make my way out to

mycar.

“Let’sjustsitforawhileandgetsomefreshair,andyou’llbene,”I

reassuredmyself.Isatinthedriver’sseatandleanedagainsttheheadrest

withmyeyesclosedforabouttwentyminutes.Breathingdeeplyandghting

backtearsofconfusion,Ifocusedonsimplystabilizingmyselfenoughto

drivebacktoSeattle.DaggersshotupanddownmyneckifIturnedthe

wrongway,soImovedasifIwereinafullbodycasttokeepthepainat

bay.SatisedIwasstabilized,Iturnedthekeyandslowlydroveaway.

Paulwas at a dentist appointmentdowntown, and Iwas supposedtopickhimuponmywayhome.Icouldn’tevencallhimfromtheroad

becausethatwouldhavemeantmovingmyheadaroundtoomuchtodeal

withthecellphone.Pullingintoaparkingspottowaitforhim,Inally

reachedthephoneanddialedittolethimknowIwasthere.

“Babe,youneedtodrivewhenyoucomedown.Somethinghappened

andIcan’tmovemybackandneck.I’minsomuchpain,”Itoldhim.

8 . . . mAriA ross



Trottingtothecar,heopenedthedriversidedoorforme.Ieasedmyself

outascarefullyasIcouldandwentaroundtothepassengerside.

Helookedatme,puzzled.“Whathappened?”

“Ihavenoidea.OnesecondIwasneandthenextIhadablinding

migraine.Thepainzoomedfromzerotosixtyinlessthanthreeseconds.I

can’tevenmove.Let’sgethomebeforeIgetnauseousagain.”

Paulobliged.Westoppedoffformigrainemedicinetotrytodealwith

thingsourselves.Itookthepillsandcrawledintobed.

PaulhuggedandkissedmethatnightbeforeIwenttosleep,likehe

alwaysdoes.Withafurrowedbrow,hewatchedmeas I fell asleep.HereallywantedmetobehappyinSeattle.

Andthiswasnotbodingwell.




Headaches like thatdon’tjusthappen,atleastnottome.Itwassudden

andexcruciatinglypainful,anditimmobilizedmyneckandback.I’dhad

mildmigrainesbeforebutIknewthiswasnoordinaryheadache.

Iimmediatelylookedforadoctor.Wewerenewintownsowedidn’thaveonelinedupyet.BecauseI’dmovedseveraltimesinmylife,Ihad

a standard“getting settled” checklist for eachnew city. Finding a new

primary-caredoctorwasdenitelyonthatlist,butIhadbeenwaitingfor

myyearlyphysicaltorollaroundinthefallbeforedealingwithit.Thislittle

hitchpushedthatsearchforward.

IfoundDr.Cthroughourhealthcareproviderwebsite.Inhisonline

video,hemadeearnesteyecontact,spokeinlayman’stermsandfocused

onhispatients’ feelings,rather than just their symptoms. I immediately

warmedtohisempatheticboy-next-doorapproach.Imadeanappointment

forthenextday,sayingIhadtogetintoseehimbecauseIwasprettymuch

immobilized.

Dr. C’s ofce was easy to nd. A huge waiting room greeted me

whenIcheckedin.Ihaddrivenmyselfthere;thepainwasstillseverebut

manageable.TheycalledmeinbeforeIevenhadachancetolloutallthe

paperwork.“Sonicetomeetyou,Maria.Soundslikeyou’rehavingsomeheadache

issues?”HewaskindandIlikedthewayheactivelylistenedanddidn’tjust

ushermethroughtheassemblyline.

Itoldhimaboutthesuddenepisode,myhighbloodpressurehistory

andallthestressandchangethathadbeengoingoninourlives.Hetook

mybloodpressure.Itwassomethingridiculous,like150over110.

tHere Are HeAdACHes . . . And tHen tHere Are HEADACHES



“Well,it’sreallyhighandmaybethatiswhatiscausingthemigraine,”

hesaid.“Wecouldtryputtingyouonbloodpressuremedicationagain.”

“I’dliketoseeifIcangetitdownwithoutmedication,”Isaid.“Maybe

asIsettleintothings,intomybusiness,Icantrytogetitdownthrough

yogaoracupuncture?”Iwasdesperatetoatleasttryanaturalwayrst

andleavedailypillsasalastresort.“Wouldgoingoffmybirthcontrolpill

helpatall?”

“Maybe,maybenot,”hesaid.“Youshouldn’tbeonthemanywaywith

thatbloodpressuresohighrightnow.”Dr.Ctooksomenotes.“Okay,

let’strytohaveyoumanagethisforaboutamonthandseehowitimpactsyour headaches.Watchyour sodium intake, get back to yoga, and give

acupunctureatry.”

Relievedatknowingthismightjustallbehighbloodpressureandnot

somethingmoredrastic,ItoldhimI’dneedtotalktoPaulrstaboutgoing

offbirthcontrol,andIwouldcallhimtolethimknowabouttheplan.

“Here’smydirectofceline,”hesaidashehandedmeacard.“Let’s

startmonitoringyourbloodpressurenightlyandtrackingit.Buyoneof

thosehomemonitorsatthedrugstore.Callmewhenyoumakeadecisionaboutthepillorifyouhaveanyotherquestions.AndI’mprescribingafew

weeksofphysicaltherapyfortheneckandbackpain,whichyoucanstart

rightaway.”

Ireallylikedthisguy.

“Ifthebloodpressurereadingsarestillhighafteraboutamonthand

theheadachesarejustassevereandfrequent,callmeandcomebackin.We

mayneedtoputyouonmedicationatthatpoint.”

OffIwent.Theneckandbackpain,whilelessened,werestillanuisance

soIimmediatelywenttothephysicaltherapy(PT)clinicafewoorsbelow

Dr.C’sofcetomakemyappointments.Theheadachehadcomeandgone

inthedayssincetheinitialevent,usuallyreturningina“slowburn”kindof

way.Imanageditwithibuprofenandover-the-countermigrainemedicine.

MyphysicaltherapistandIworkedonstrengtheningexercises,stretches

and lightmassage. As she poked and kneaded, I could indeed feel the

musclesrelaxing,soIthoughtwewereonourway.Afteroursessions,myheadacheswereusuallylesssevereorinsomecasescompletelydissolved.

Atthetime,Iwasworkingonapart-timeprojectatMicrosoft(ina

differentdepartment thanwherePaulworked)andwasonlyrequiredto

driveintotheofceoneortwodaysaweek.Therestofthetime,Iworked

fromhome,whichwasideal.Withourdog,Eddie,around,itwasniceto

12 . . . mAriA ross



havetheexibilitytowalkhimeverymorningalongthetree-linedFremont

ShipCanalbeforestartingmyworkday.

Ilovedmynewcareerasamarketingconsultant.BeforetheMicrosoft

projectcamealong,IhadoneortwosmallclientsthatIgotthroughthe

amazingMelodyBiringer,asassySeattleentrepreneurwhoknowseveryone.

SheandImetthroughanewbusinessincubatorIattended,andwebecame

fastfriends.Sheintroducedmearoundtownandhelpedmelandaplum

projectwithanotheruber-connectedwomanonabigevent.Thisevent,to

beheldatthetopoftheposhColumbiaTowerClub,wasaninvitation-only

retreatwithsomeofSeattle’smostpowerfulwomenexecutives.AndhereIwas,juststartingmybusinesswiththisrareopportunitytobuildsuch

bridges.Itwasthedreamofayoungentrepreneur’slife.

TheeventwasheldonJune19,afewweeksaftertherstdebilitating

headache and subsequent visitwith Dr.C. By this time, I still had the

headachesoffandon,butneverassevereasthatrstonehadbeen.

OnthedayoftheColumbiaTowerevent,IcalledDr.Cduringabreak

toaskafewnalquestionsaboutgoingoffthebirthcontrolpill.PaulandI

haddecidedtodowhateverwasneededtobringmybloodpressuredown,andDr.Capplaudedourdecisions.Neverbeforehadadoctorspentso

muchtimeonthephoneansweringmyquestionsandcalmingmynerves.

Healsoaskedhowthebloodpressurereadingsweregoing.

“Well,thereadingsareloweronthedaysIhaveacupunctureortherapy,

buteventhoselowerreadingsarestillreallyhigh,”Iadmitted.

“Okay.Justkeepaneyeonit,andcallmeifthatcontinuesafteryou

gooffthepill.”

ThenextmonthorsowaslledwithworkingontheMicrosoftproject,

marketingmybusinessandmanagingmybloodpressure.Icontinuedto

sufferfromthebadheadacheseverynowandthen.Whenmybackandneck

painaredup,Icouldn’talwaysmakeittoyoga,soItriedacupuncturefor

therst timeandreally liked it.It feltalittleweirdto liefacedownon

a table andknow the acupuncturist was sticking small needles intomy

skinbut,somehow,ithelpedthepain.Certainlythatcouldbeduetothe

acupunctureitselfandtothealignmentofchiow,chakrasandwhatnot…ortothefactthatyouspendabouttwentysilentandjuicyminutesrelaxing

inadimlylitroom.I’msurethathassomethingtodowithit,too.

Havingalwayseatenreasonablyhealthy,PaulandIsteppeditupby

usinglesssaltandreadinglabelsforsodiumintake.GoodLord,thereisa

lotofsodiuminwhatweeat.Pre-packagedsoupsaretheworstculprits,

withsometimesabout50percentofourdailysodiumintakeinoneserving.




Lookatme,I thought.Whatwiththeregularyoga,theacupuncture

treatmentsandmyexpandedfoodconsciousness,I’vereallygone“Pacic

Northwest.”I’mttingrightin,hereinSeattle.NowIjustneedtogovegan

andI’llhaveallmybasescovered.

Unfortunately, the headache came back every so often. On a few

occasions,themigrainemademesonauseousthatI’dbevomitingonceor

twiceaday.ButIpoweredthrough,diligentlytakingmybloodpressure

readingsandtrustingthedoctor.

Everynight,I’dplacethecuffonmyarmandtrytorelax.Aftertwo

readingstogetanaverage,Iwrotedownallthenumbersonanotepadinmybedsidedrawer.Anormalbloodpressurereadingisabout120over

80.Abovethat,anditstepsintohypertension.Myreadingsrangedfrom

140over100tosometimes160over120.Ievenrememberafewreadings

of170oversomething.Thesecouldnotpossiblybe100percentaccurate,

Ithought,andIchalkedthemuptothecheapmonitorhavinglessthan

stellaraccuracy.

“Whatisittonight?”Paulasked,tryingtobenonchalant.

Itoldhim.Hestaredbackatme.“Dr.C said to give it amonthor two,” Ioften remindedmy dear

husband.Andwebothwenttobedwrappedupinourownworry.

Ican’trememberwhichheadacheandvomitingepisodeputmeoverthe

edge,butIknewitwastimetocallDr.Candscheduleareturnvisit.

Actually,thatepisodemusthavebeenduringtheweekpriortoAugust

4,2008…becauseInevergotthechancetocallhim,oncethatfatefulday

dawned.

OntheweekendbeforeAugust4,Iwasdelightedthatourgoodfriends

ScottandCarriewerevisitingfromIndianapolis.Scott—withhiswildcurly

hair,heartylaughanddevotiontoEngland’sArsenalFootballClub—isa

creativegeniusandrunsasuccessfulbrandingrm.Anartschoolgraduate,

heloathesblindconformityandtoleratesmysororitygirlexuberanceand

loveforboybandsonlybecausethey’regenuine.Scottwasintownbecause

ofsomeclientworkatMicrosoft.(Yes,everythinginmylifeseemstocomebackaroundtoBillGates.)

Scott’swife,Carrie,hadtaggedalongtoseeme.Ourfriendshipbegan

whileworking togetheratan Indianapolis ad agency in the late 1990s.

I’mnotquitesurewhywekeptourdistanceinitially:perhapsIwasalittle

intimidatedby her smarts and beauty andmaybe she assumed Iwas a

typical,uncreative“suit”—eventhoughatthetimeshewasoneaswell.

14 . . . mAriA ross



Buthertalentshavealwayslaininthewrittenword,andshewasbiding

timeinanaccountmanagementpositionsoshecouldeventuallymoveup

tothecopywritingoor.

A raven-haired, curvalicious beauty with big blue eyes and

alabaster skin, Carrie is like one of those rivers whose depth stretches

into innity. You can actually see the wheels turning, thoughts

churning, reections forming in the quiet of her watchful eyes. She is

extremely well-read, a veritable literature junkie, and a gourmet cook

toboot.

TogetherwithourmerrybandofmistsattheagencyinIndianapolis,wehadspentmanyanafter-workhappyhourloungingatthecozydive

bardownthestreet,poppingchampagneordowninggoodredwine.We

usuallyendedupatsomeone’shouse,whereanyofthethreefabulouscooks

inourgroupwhippedupasimplesupperofbrie,baguettesandseasoned,

pan-searedscallops.Itpaystohavefoodiefriends.Thosewereyummydays.

CarrieandIforgedourfriendshipduringakeyturningpointinboth

ofourlives.Ourroadscollidedassherampedupanewromancewiththe

manwhowouldeventuallybecomeherhusband,andmyrelationshipwithmylongtimeboyfriendbegantounravel.

We lived in the same city for only a year and a half—and our

friendshipdidn’treallyblossomuntilmaybesixmonthsintothat.Over

90percentofourrelationshiphasbeenviaemail.Sincewe’rebothwriters,

wecangomonthswithoutactuallyspeakingtoeachother,butthrough

countless trials,we have been there for each otherwith supportive and

heart-wrenchingemailmissivesdetailingeverythoughtinourheads.We

dreamedofbigthings:publishingbooks,trekkingtheglobe,producingour

ownTVshowsandcreatingkick-assmarketingcampaigns.Wecriedon

eachother’svirtualshouldersduringmybrokenengagementtomyformer

boyfriendandheryearsofsearchingandself-doubt.Wecheeredeachother

onduringmybuddingentrepreneurshipandherbraveleapintowritingher

novel.Andasfatewouldhaveit,whenIactuallypickedupaphoneand

calledhertosharenewsofmywonderfulengagementtoPaul,sheinformed

methatScotthadproposedthatsameweek.Sometimes,Iwishwe’dkeptallofthoseemails.Readingthemwouldbeliketrackingacivilization’s

evolution.

WhenPaulandIgotmarriedinApril2006,CarrieandScottewout

toSanFranciscotowitnessourwonderfulweddingbytheBay.Twoweeks

later,wetackedafewdaysontoourBelizeanhoneymoontowatchthemtie

theknotatanintimateKeyWestseasidedinnerparty.Symmetry.




WhenScottandCarriearearound,wealleatwell.Theycancookupa

gorgeousosso buccowithoutbreakingasweat,andtheyannuallytravelto

Francetopursuegastronomicpleasures.

So during their visit to Seattle in early August of 2008, I made

reservationsforthatFridaynightatoneofmyfavoriteItalianrestaurants

inSeattle’sCapitolHillneighborhood.

My good friend Ursula was also in town.Ursula is a t and sassy

AustralianwithwhomPaulandIhadbothworkedatourlastcompany.

Outspoken, ercely loyal and delightfully silly, Ursula was my cosmo-

swirlingbuddyonmanyaFridaynightduringmysingledays.Ofcourse,we’rebothgoodgirlsatheartsowealsoattendedtheoccasionalSunday

masstogetherandsharedquietdinnersathome.OneChristmas,Ursula

tookmetoSydneytocelebratewithherboisterousandclose-knitfamily,

andwehadablastfortwoweeks.Webothcomefromethnicfamiliesand

Iwassurprisedathowsimilarintradition,loyalty,anddevotiontofood

herLebanesefamilyistomyItalianone.Hermotheradoptedmeintoher

broodandledmealongwithherownthreegirlstoChristmasmass,where

we led silently into thepew likeducklings,deckedout inourprettiestskirts.

That weekend, Ursula stayed at our house, while Scott andCarrie

luxuriatedattheir favoriteSeattleboutiquehotel.Ironically,Ursulahad

satwithCarrieandScottatourweddingtwoyearsprior,sotheyalready

kneweachother.

Perfect,Ithought.We’llallgotodinnertogether.

Theeventsofthatweekendslowlyrevealedthemselvestomeinthe

monthsfollowing.ItwasalongtimebeforeIcouldrememberanything

we’ddonepastdinnerthatFridaynight.

I do rememberwalking into the restaurant. I remember amedium-

bodiedbottleofredwine,laughterandsomedeliciouspappardelle.The

details,however, are still a bit hazy. Paulwent home right after dinner

becausehewasexhausted,butIstayedoutwithScott,CarrieandUrsula.

Stillsomewhatunfamiliarwithmynewcity,Iwasn’treallysurewhere

wecouldgoforanafter-dinnerdrinktogether.WewanderedupPineStreetandIspottedabarcalledWildRosewithmusicspillingoutthedoorand

ontothesidewalk.Payingthecoverandstumblingin,welookedaround

toseewomengatheredtogetheringroupsoftwosandthrees.Ittookus

amoment,butwelaughedaswerealizedIhadchosenalesbianbarto

entertainmyheterosexualout-of-town-guests.Ahwell.Westayedput,but

afterallofthedinnerwine,onecocktailinthebarcausedawaveoffatigue

16 . . . mAriA ross



towashoverus—especiallyourvisitorsfromtheeasterntimezone—sowe

piledintocabstogohome.

Bypiecingtogethertheeventsofthenextday,IrecallthatUrsulaand

IhitPikePlaceMarket.Thesoundsofboisterousshmongersandbustling

touristsassaultedus.Wemeanderedaroundbright,freshveggiestandsand

milesofthemostbeautifulfreshowerbouquetsyou’veeverseen:bright

reds,yellows,greens,pinksandbluesburstingbeforeyoureyes,andeach

arrangementmoreperfectthanthenext.Thearomasofsweetchocolates,

freshly baked pastries and homemade cheese mingle with the salty air

waftingfromPugetSound.IloveshowingvisitorstheMarket.It’safeastforthesenses.

We wandered out of the market into some nearby shops, and she

screamedindelightwhenwefoundarusticspicestore.Ursulahadjust

started an online blog devoted to spices and cooking, so we spent a

considerableamountoftimesamplingandsnifngfromthebarrels.Idid

notrememberthissidetripatalluntilIdrovepastthestore,monthslater,

andgotaashofrecollection.Whenyouareabletollinablackholein

yourmemory,yougetthesamehighaswhenyoundthatcrucialjigsawpuzzlepiecethatts.IthinkIactuallyclappedwithglee.

UrsulaleftonSundayandIpreppedforanewauditionatadifferent

theatrecompany.AlittlespookedthatI’dhavearepeatofthelastone,Idid

everythingIcouldtokeepmynervesincheck,includinglightstretching,

deepbreathingandpositiveself-talk.

IheadedoutearlytothecrampedstudiospaceinCapitolHill.Climbing

thericketysteps,mybodywarmedandmyfaceushedasthebloodonce

againstartedrushingtomyhead,whereaslowpoundingstarted.Carefully

breathinginandout,Imademywaytotherestroom.

“Okay,thisisnotgoingtohappenagain,”Iorderedmyreectionin

themirror,asbeadsofsweatformedonmyforehead.Afewmoredeep

yogabreathsseemedtosettlethepoundingandthenIperformedmylittle

water-on-the-wrists trick. Miraculously, I felt my body temperature dip

downabit,andthebloodrushsubsided.

Shortlyafterthat,withatouchofalingeringheadache,Iperformedmymonologueperfectly.

“Ididit,babe!”IexclaimedtoPaullateron.“Iguredouthowtocope

withthenervesandbloodpressurethistime!”

Yeah,right.

ApparentlymyattemptsthatdaywerenotassuccessfulasI’dhoped.

Thatnight,Ionceagainhadmythrobbingheadstuckinatoilet,vomiting.




Paulfoundmepassedoutonthebathroomoor,butwhenherousedme,I

convincedhimIwasexhaustedandhadjustfallenasleep.

Thenextday,August4,Iwasduetoworkataclient’sofcebutIwoke

withthenowfamiliarneckpainandthatsamewickedmigrainesqueezing

myheadinavise.IknewIwasgoingnowhere.Aftercallingmyclientto

letherknowIwouldn’tmakeitin,Itriedtosleep.Itwastheonlywayto

handlethestabbingheadandmusclepain.

Paul usually takes theMicrosoftConnectorbustowork.Microsoft

convenientlystartedthisinternalbussystemamonthafterwemovedto

Seattle.Thecompanysendsoutlittlebusestovariousneighborhoodstohelpeaseemployeecommutes.It’scompletelyfreeforemployees,andthe

othersidebenetisthattheygettousethespeediercarpoollaneswhen

returninghomeduringrushhour.WelivedafewblocksfromaConnector

stop.

Thatday,however,Paulchangedhisplans.

“Whydon’tItakethecarintowork,incaseIhavetocomebackand

helptakecareofyou?”

“Don’tbesilly.Youwon’thavetodothat.I’lljustsleepmostoftheday.”

Buthedidn’tlisten.ThankGod.MightbetheonlytimeI’lleverbe

thankfulforthat.

Thisdayisstillahugeblackholeforme.Iremembertheintensehead

painandthenausea.IrememberPaulcominghomemiddaysohecould

work fromhomeandtakecareofme.Hebroughtmechicken soup for

lunchtoensureIatesomething.Ihaveabriefmemoryashofmeinmy

PJs,standingatthekitchencounter,slurpingdownthesoupandvaliantly

tryingtokeepsomethinginmystomachsoI’dhavesomethingtothrowup.

Thenthingsgocompletelyblank.Atleastforme.

Paul,myfriendsandmyfamily,however,laterlledmeinonthehorric

detailsthattookplaceovernotjustthenexttwenty-fourhours,butthenext

thirtydays.

Ibelievethingsareworseforthosewhocanclearlyremembertrauma

thantheyareforthoseofusexperiencingitrsthand.Ourownmemoriesoftenprotectusfromourselves,butit’salothardertostrikethoseimages

fromthemindsofthelovedonesaroundus.

18 . . . mAriA ross



Ifound out muchlaterwhathadhappened.

After making the soup for me for lunch, Paul went to my ofce

downstairs so he could work. We have a three-story contemporary

townhome,somyofceandthefrontdoorareatgroundlevel.Thesecondlevelisanopenoorplanofkitchen,diningroomandfamilyroom,and

thenthebedroomsareonthetopoor.Ilayonthecouchonourmainlevel,

tryingtowatchTVandsilencethedrillboringintomyskull.Atsomepoint,

Irantothebathroomtothrowupagain.Sinceit’satthetopofthestairs

leadingtotheofce,Paulcouldhearmeretching.

He heard a loud thud and then silence. The dog started barking,

whiningandrunningincircles.Paulcameupstairstoinvestigate.

Ilayonthebathroomoor.

Collapsedandunconscious.

I imaginehimspringing intoaction like asuperhero.Hemust have

triedtorevivemeandwhenthatdidn’twork,hehadthepresenceofmind

tocall911.Godlovehim,healsocalledourgoodfriendBarbtocomehelp

him.

“Mariapassedout.Theambulanceisonitsway.Canyoupleasecome

getEddie?”Barbdidnotevenwastetimeaskingquestions.Stillinherworkout

clothes,sheranfromherhousetwoblocksawaytoassist.

Ilovemyfriends.

BarbarrivedtoafranticPaul,pacingandwide-eyedwithfear.Are

departmentladdertruckhappenedtobenearbyandarrivedrstonthe

tHe dAy i ALmost died



scene,aheadoftheambulance.Seeingmelaidoutontheoor,ghostlypale

astheparamedicsworkedonme,shestartedshaking.

“Hassheoverdosed?”thestraight-lacedEMTasked,shininglightsinto

myeyesandpokingandproddingvariousbodyparts.

“No…no,notatall,”Paulstammered.“She’snevertakendrugsinher

life!”

“Sir,maybeyouwerenotaware…?”TheytriedtobetactfulbutIwas

showingallthesignsofadrugoverdose.Theparamedicsriedthroughthe

Excedrinandvitaminbottlesonourcountertobesure.

Our townhouse is impossible to nd because we are up a steepstairway,behindahouseandhavenovisibleaddressfromourstreet,sothe

ambulancewashavingahardtimendingus.Barbranouttothebackalley

towavetheminbutnoonecame.SheranbackinsideandrealizedPaulhad

usheredtheminfromthestreetbelow.

Theparamedicscouldn’tgetthegurneyupournarrowstairwell,so

theywrappedmeinaslingandcarriedmedown.

For all anyone knew at that moment, I was in a coma. Severe

unconsciousnesscanpointtobraindamageorapossiblestroke.Withmybrainbasically“ofine,”theparamedicshadnoideaifmajororgans,such

asmylungs,mightstartfailing.Or,evenworse,ifmyprotectivereexes—

likecoughingor swallowing—wereaffected.Consequently, they focused

onensuringmysystemdidn’tphysicallyshutdownandthatIcouldstill

breathe.

Aftertheygotmedownstairs,theyintubatedmebythreadingalong

plastictubedownmythroat,andthenbaggingmewithavalvemaskon

thewaydowntotheambulance.Hard-coresedativesmusthavefollowed

afterthat,becauseI’velearnedthatifapersonregainsconsciousnesswith

atubedownhisthroat,therstsurvivalresponseistoripitout—andthat

wouldbevery,verybad.

Idon’tthinkanyoneneedstoseetheonetheylovehavingabreathing

tuberammeddowntheirthroatattopspeed.JustpictureallthoseoldER

episodesandyou’llknowexactlywhatImean.Freakingout,Paultriedto

processwheretheyweretakingmesohecouldfollow.BarbtookEddie,lockedupandwenthome.

Withitssirensblazing,theambulanceracedvemilestoHarborview

MedicalCenter,theonlyLevelIadultandpediatrictraumacenterinthe

PacicNorthwest’sfour-stateregion.Everyoneknowsfromwatchingthe

newsthatit’swheregunshotandcarcrashvictimsfrommilesaroundare

alwayssent.

20 . . . mAriA ross



On theway, the paramedics assessed me using theGlasgowComa

Scale1.Thisneurologicalscaleassessesaheadinjurypatient’sconsciousness

levelbutisnowcommonlyusedbyrstrespondersforanyacutemedical

ortraumapatientslikeme.Specically,itmeasureseye,verbalandmotor

responses. On its fteen-point scale, anything below an eight suggests

severeinjury.Insomecases,anythingbelowafourisconsideredneardeath.

Iwasathree.




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