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REBOOTING
BRAIN
my
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REBOOTING
BRAINHow A Freak Aneurs Refraed m Life
By maria Ross
my
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Published by Red Slice Press, Seattle, Washington
Copyright ©2012 Maria Ross
All rights reserved.
Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproduced,storedinaretrievalsystem,ortrans-
mittedinanyformorbyanymeans,electronic,mechanical,photocopying,record-
ing, scanning, orotherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or108 of the
1976UnitedStatesCopyrightAct,withoutthepriorwrittenpermissionofthePublish-
er.RequeststothePublisherforpermissionshouldbeemailedtoinfo@red-slice.com.
Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: Whilethepublisherandauthorhaveused
theirbest efforts inpreparing this book, theymake no representations orwarran-
tieswith respecttotheaccuracyorcompletenessofthecontentsofthisbookand
specicallydisclaimany impliedwarranties ofmerchantability ortness fora par-
ticularpurpose.Nowarrantymaybecreatedorextendedbysalesrepresentativesor
writtensalesmaterials.Neithertheauthornorthisbookisdispensingmedicaladvice
andneitherintendsthatanyofthisinformationbeusedforself-diagnosisortreatment.
The advice and strategies contained hereinmay not be suitable for your situation.
You should consult with a doctor or healthcare professional where appropriate.
Neitherthepublishernorauthorshallbeliableforanylossofprotoranyotherdam-
ages,includingbutnotlimitedtospecial,incidental,consequential,orotherdamages.
Cover design and print layout: Juli Saeger Russell
Author photo: Alison Jensen, www.alisonjensen.com
LibraryofCongressControlNumber:2011961696
ISBN:978-0-9848939-0-4
ATTENTION CORPORATIONS, UNIVERSITIES, COLLEGES AND
PROFESSIONAL ORGANIZATIONS:
Quantit discounts are available on bulk purchases of this book for educational,
gift purposes, or as preiu ites. Special books or book excerpts can also
be created to t specic needs. For inforation, please contact Red Slice Press at
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A note to my reAders
My mission withthisbookistwofold:tosharewhatIhopeyoundan
inspirationalstoryoftriumphoveradversity,andtorevealsomeofwhatI’ve
learnedaboutbraininjuries.IhopeIcaninspireothersthroughthelessonsI
learnedsothattheycanpickthemselvesupanddustthemselvesoffafterlife
knocksthewindrightoutofthem.Itisalsomyintenttoprovideapatient
perspectiveonjusthowtoughitcanbetodealwithaseverebraininjury.
Perhapsthiswillhelpmakethingseasier forotherbraininjury survivorsandtheirfamilies,aswellasprovidesomeresourcesIfoundhelpfulinmy
situation.Itisimportanttheyknowtheyarenotaloneinregardstomany
personality,emotionalorcognitivechangestheymayhaveexperienced.
Asyoureadmytale,pleaserememberthisisamemoiraboutmyown
personalexperiences, interpretations and impressions. It isnotmeant to
beamedicaljournal,scienticbookordiagnostictool.WhileIhavemade
everyattempttoprovideaccurateinformationandhavecitedsourceswhere
appropriate, please understand that neither I nor this book are dispensing
medical advice, and I do not intend any of this information to be used for
self-diagnosis or treatment. Thisismerelyachronicleofmyownpersonal
journey.Otherpeople’sparticularneeds,experiencesandrecoveryprocesses
maydiffer.Ifyouhaveanyquestionsorconcernsaboutyourhealth,includ-
ingheadaches,healthrisksandpost-brain-injuryrecovery,youshouldcon-
tactyourownphysicianorhealthcareprovider.
Ihopeyouenjoymystory.Iwouldbehonoredifyou’dshareitwithanyoneyouknowfacingbrain-injurychallenges,particularlythoseimpact-
edpersonallyorthroughtheirfriendsandfamily.Themorewecaneducate
ourselvesandothersaboutthesurprisingandoftenunseeneffectsofbrain
injury,themorehealingandunderstandingtherewillbeforpatientsand
theirfamilies.
Thisbookisdedicatedtothemillionsofpeopleeachyearwhosuffer
frombothtraumaticandacquiredbraininjuriesthatimpacttheirbodies,
livelihoodsandpersonallives.Youarenotalone.
Best,
Maria Ross
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Prologue, ix
PArt 1: Life As We KneW it
TheStormBeforetheStorm3
ThereareHeadaches…andThenThere
areHeadaches11
TheDayIAlmostDied19
PArt 2: Life… interruPted
Chaos,CommunicationandtheRallying oftheTribe25
MyTasteofInsanity35
Not-So-PrettyRoses43
TheFirstHurdle47
TheNewNormal49
TheSecondHurdle53
SanityChecksandaStubbornSpirit57
TheThirdHurdle…LumbarPuncturesSuck63
HairToday,GoneTomorrow67
TheRoadtoRehabBegins71
BlindFaith…andLaw and Order 75
PuppyLove79
SurelySpainWillCureWhatAilsMe81
ItTakesaVillage84
AlteredGoals89
PART 3 : Life rebooted
GoingHome95
One-EyedWillie99
PersonalTraining:BrainInjuryStyle101
INeverMetaTestIDidn’tLike…UntilNow107
TheNecklace113
GivingThanksfor…EmergencySurgery?115
TheScottishChristmasTravelAdventure121
IgnoranceisBliss…butAcceptanceisDivine125
GettingMyGroupTherapyOn131 FlyingSolo141
TheNewMeGoesBacktoWork145
FacingtheFear151
BucketLists159
ClimbingforThoseWhoCan’t165
(CONTINUED)
Contents
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PArt 4: Life refrAmed
TwoLongYears177 YearlyFollow-Ups:Drugs,Scansand
Validation181
PArt 5: Life Goes on
GettingBacktoLife…andtheBig
Questions189
TheChickenortheEgg195
TheNewMe199
Resources 205
Acknowledgments 207
About the Author 209
Group Discussion Questions 211
Endnotes 213
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August 2008Seattle, Washington
Iwokeupwhensomeonewheeledmybed—withmeinit—frommyhospital room.Evenbefore Iopenedmyeyes, I knew somethingwasn’tright.Afteropeningthem,Icouldseeonlyblurryshapesandfaintoutlinesofcolor,asifIwerelookingthroughadirtyglass.
Mybrain,whichIdidn’tyetknowwasdamaged,triedtollinwhatwashappening.Idecidedthenursesweremovingallthepatientsintothe
hallway,liningusuphead-to-toealongtheupper-oorrailing.Theirshoesshufed along the faux marble oors and voices whispered urgently inthedarkness.
Whattheheckwasgoingon?Whyweretheysneakingusalloutintothehallinthemiddleofthenight?
Sobbing,Ibeggedanursetocallmyhusband.Sheshookherheadno.Shewasprobablytryingtohideherevildeeds,Ithought.Ifeltforthephoneandmiraculouslypunchedinmyhomephonenumber,justbytouch.HowonearthdidIrememberitwhenIcouldn’trememberwhichcityIlivedin?
Ontheotherend,Paulmumbledashefoughthiswaybacktowakefulness.Itwasthreea.m.
“Comegetme,honey!”Icoveredthephoneandtriedtokeepmysobbingvoicelow.“They’veputusallinthehallway.What are they doing to us?”
Hetriedtosootheme.Atsomepointhedidcalmmedown,andthenursereturnedthereceivertothecradle.Idriftedbacktosleep.
Paul,ontheotherhand,laywideawake.Hislively,intelligentwifenowsoundedliketheparanoidconspiracytheoristssheusedtomockontheirfavoriteTVcrimedramas.Whatdoyoudowhenyourspousebecomesadifferentperson,literallyovernight?
Later, I learnedmy mind had trickedme.While I imagined I wastrappedinanendlesscorridor,Ihadactuallybeenwheeledtoaprivateroom.Thenursehadtriedtoexplainthis,tonoavail.Relentingatlast,shewastheone—notme—whohaddialedmyhusband,thinkinghemightbetheonlypersontoassuagemyfears.Therehadbeennosinisterplot,nopatientabuse.Itwassimplymydamagedbrain,playingoneofthemanytricksitwouldplayonmeasittriedtorepairitselffromtherecenttrauma.
Unfortunately,Paulreceivedsimilarpanicked,butunfounded,phonecallsoverthenextseveralnights,notjustone.
TheneurosurgeonshadwarnedPaulafterIwasrushedunconscioustotheemergencyroom,“Wecansaveherlife,Mr.Ross,butthat’sallwecando.Wehavenoideayetwhateffectthishemorrhagehadonherbrain,memories,motorskillsorpersonality.”
We spent the next year and beyond learning what those effectswouldbe.
ProLoGue
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PArt one
L A W Kw i
You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best
thing in the world for you.
- Wal d
There’s nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.
- W Ha
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tHe storm before tHe storm
It all started withatheatreaudition.Actually,Ihavetogofurtherbackthanthat.Itstartedwiththeideato
movetoSeattlein2007.LovingtheSanFranciscoBayareabutunableto
affordahousewithouthavingtopoureverysparedollarintoamortgage,PaulandIdecidedtotransplantournewlymarriedselvesuptothePacic
Northwest.
Itwasacrazyyear.PaulhadjustsecuredhisGreenCard,whichmeant
my new Scottish husbandwas no longer beholden to his company for
awork visa.A fewyears earlier,unafraidand looking forachange,he
hadtransferredfromOxford,England,toSanFranciscotoworkatour
softwarecompany’scorporateheadquarters.Wemet.Webecamefriends.
Andthenwefellinlove.Manythoughtourcouplinganoddone:me,the
extroverted,energeticandoptimisticstraight-Astudentwholovesbeingon
stageandcompetinginbartriviacontests,andPaul,theintroverted,wry,
oftencurmudgeonlyScotsmanwhopreferssmallgroupget-togethersover
bigbashes,andwholovesvideogamesandcyclingaloneintheMarinhills.
Ifellinlovewithhiswidegreeneyessetbehindsleekwireframeglasses,his
dimpleandhiswittybanter.Ourrelationshipwaseasyfromthestart;we
werejustascontentkickingbackonthecouchtowatchanindielmaswewerehittingthebarswithfriendstocelebrateabirthday…oraTuesday.
Aftercallingoffanengagementwithmycollegesweetheart,throwing
myselfinto—andoutof—atoxicrelationshipandlaughingthroughafew
moreyearsofcrazydatingsagas,I joyfullycried,“Yes!”whenthiswell-
adjustedmanwhoadoredmeproposedonahikeinaredwoodgrove.Iwas
thirty-two.Iknewhewastheguyformeanditwastime.
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Evertheachiever,Iwasalwayslookingforthenextstepupatwork—
withoutthinkingaboutwhetherIreallywanteditornot.Onfasttracks,
webothgotpromotedindifferentareasofmarketingforourmultinational
softwarecompanyandhappilyplannedourweddingwhileridingadouble
waveofcareersuccessandgoodfortune.Themoneywasgreatandenabled
ustopayoffallofourdebts.WhenIsay“our,”Ireallymean“my”credit
card bills from years spent skiing in Tahoe, drinkingwine inNapa and
eatingoutatSanFrancisco’samazingrestaurants.Insharpcontrast,Paul
hadcomeoverfromtheUKwithhissuitcase,hisbikesandalaptop,and
hehadinvestedonlyinthebarenecessitiesupongettingsettled.Wequicklybeganstashingawaymoneyforourrsthouse.
Swingingtothenextbigjobopportunity,Iwasrecruitedawaytobe
adirectorofcorporatemarketingatasmalltechnologycompany,which
meantjumpingbackintoasmall-companyenvironmentformorecontrol
andimpact.Iwaspsyched.IworkedwithateamIlovedandwewereon
re.Therewassomuchtodoandscantresourcestogetitdone.Wemade
great strides but thedaysblurred together in awhirlwindof stress and
activity.Theto-dolistnevershrankandourMarketingteam’sinitialshiny,happyreceptionwasnowmetwithevenmoredemands.That’sthecurseof
competence,Iguess:themoreyoudoreallywell,themorepeopleexpect.
WhileIadoredmyteam,Ihatedthedailybudgetghtswehadwiththe
CFO,theghtsforrespectfromthesalesteamandtheghtsfortheCEO
totrustourexpertiseandfollowouradvicetohelpthecompanygrow.
Somedays,Ifeltlikeitwasoursmallbutmightymarketingteamagainst
theworld.AsPaulbeganhisjobsearchpost-GreenCard,wetalkedabout
leavingSanFranciscoandstartingfreshsomewhereelse.
Chicagowasbrieyconsidered,asIhadoncelivedthereandlovedthe
urbanlifeintheWindyCitywithitsamazingrestaurantsandmuseums.
It was also closer to my family in theMidwest. Butwe both couldn’t
imaginegoingbacktobone-chillingwintersandscrapingsnowoffthecar
everymorningafterhavinglivedforyearsonthemildWestCoast.Seattle,
Washington,andPortland,Oregon,becamestrongalternatestotheBay
Area—andbothweremoreaffordabletoboot.“Whydon’tyoujustworkwithrecruitersintheBayAreaandSeattle
and we’ll let the job opportunity decide where we go?” I suggested.
Heagreed.
Seattle-basedMicrosoftsooncamecalling,asdidsomesmallup-and-
comingBayAreacompanies.Paulhadhispick.Weighingtheoptions,we
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lookedateverythingMicrosoftoffered—experience,opportunityandkiller
benets.
Thosebenetswouldlatersaveourpeaceofmindandbankaccountin
wayswecouldn’tpossiblyimagineatthetime.
WithPaul’sjobacceptance,weheadednorth.Ikeptmyjobandworked
remotelyfromhome,sinceImanagedallmycontractorsoveremailand
phoneanyway.Inmysparetime,Iresearchedhangingoutmyownshingle
andbecomingafreelancemarketingconsultant.Thisarrangementactually
becametheperfecttransition.
Whatawhirlwind.PaulhadtostarthisjobinSeattleinAugust,twomonthsbeforeIcould
joinhim.Besidesbeingamarketer,Iamalsoanactressonthesideand
activeinthetheatrescene.Atthattime,Iwasinaplay—acomedicsatire
ofCitizen Kane—andourperformanceslastedintoOctober.Iwantedto
seeitthrough.
InAugust,Ijuggledthefrustratingtechjob,theplayrehearsals—and
buyingahouse.PaulandIwentuptoSeattletohousehuntandafterseeing
overtenhousesintwodays,wedecidedtoplaceanofferonafabulousnew townhome in Seattle’s Queen Anne neighborhood. We did all the
paperworkviaFedExsincewewereintwodifferentplaces.Butwegot
throughourrsthouse-buyingandmortgageexperiencerelativelyquickly
andunscathed.
Settled inbyOctober 2007, just intime to celebratemythirty-fth
birthday,we began our new life.Wealready had somegreat friends in
Seattle—BarbandGuy—buttheyweretheonlyonesweknew.Guyhad
workedwithbothofusatourpreviouscompany.Lankyandtall,he’sgot
themostlaughingblueeyesI’veeverseenandhe’squickwithahugesmile,
hugorenthusiasticcheerofsupport.He’salwaysgametodosomething
funand,verymuchlikeme,getsexcitedbytheideaofaweekendtrip
toMexicoorrentingaskichaletinFrancewithoutthinkingthroughthe
logistics.Barb,abrunettebeautywithwarm,intelligenteyesandaneasy
smile,ishiscounterpoint:practical,analyticalandabletotakeastepback
tothinkthingsthrough.WeoftenjokethatBarbisPaulandGuyismeinourrespectivemarriages.BarbandPaularethecalminginuencesagainst
ourwhirlingdervishpersonalities.ThankGodthatGuyandIcanorbit
around people like that and each couple can create a harmonious duo
greaterthanthesumofitsparts.
BarbandGuyintroducedustotheircircleandIalsocontactedfolks
withwhomfriendshadsetmeup.Itfeltlikeonlinedating.Itypicallyemailed
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someoneIhadnevermetafterourmutualfriendmadeanintroduction,and
mettheminabarorcoffeeshopsomewhere,notquiteknowingwhatto
expect.
Manyafternoonsfoundmeclutchingmylatteatatablealone,fretting,
“Doesmyhairlookokay?Isthatpersonwhojustwalkedthroughthedoor
thepersonI’msupposedtomeet?Actcasual!DopeoplethinkI’mbeing
stoodup?”
SomefolksIclickedwith,othersIdidnot.Islowlyexpandedmysmall
network.
January 2008 came along and we started looking for a dog. BothPaulandIgrewupwithdogsandknewwewantedone.SoonEddie,a
skittishandpetite(fortypoundsfullygrown)BlackLabmixwithsoulful
eyesandabouncystepjoinedourfamilyafterjustonevisittotheanimal
shelter.ThankGodhewasalreadyhousetrained,butwewenttherounds
ofobediencetraining,strugglingwithtakingcontrolof“thewalk”and
acclimatingtocaringandfeedinganotherlittlecreature.Itwaslikegetting
usedtoanewbaby,butwithlessscreamingandmoresleep.
Itwasaround this time thatmycompany nallydecided to layoffstaffinorderto trimcosts.Thankfully,I’dbeenmentallygearingupthe
consulting practice and was told about the layoff one morning, which
I alreadyknewwas coming andhad secretly hoped for so I’d have no
excusenottotrymyhandatentrepreneurship.Bythatsameafternoon,
mywebsitewentliveandInotiedmyentirenetworkthatRedSlice,my
branding and marketing consultancy, was open for business. I eagerly
startednetworking,consultingwithlawyersandaccountants,andlearning
howtobeabusinessowner.
So let’s review:Newjob forPaul,new city for us,newhouse,new
dog,newbusiness,newfriends,newroutine,newfavoritehangouts,and
newlife.Talkaboutaperfectstormofextremestress.Absorbingallofthis
changesuckedtheenergyrightoutofus.Mostnights,wefellintobed,
exhausted.
Oh,andlestIforget:IwasalsolearningallabouttheSeattleacting
sceneandinvestigatingauditionopportunities.Lifewasafrenzybutitwasgoingtobegreat,wesaid.Withmyownfreelancebusiness,Iwasgoingto
haveoodlesoftimetoactandwrite,mytwofavoritepassions.Ha.When
you’rerunningyourownbusiness,Ionceheardsomeonesay,youcanwork
whenever youwant.As long as its twenty-fourhours aday, sevendays
aweek.
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Sonowthatyouhavethelayoftheland,let’spickupwhereweleftoff.
Itallstartedwithatheatreaudition…
Early June, 2008
ItrekkedouttoIssaquah,alovelylittletownaboutfteenminuteseast
ofSeattle.TheVillageTheatrewasholdingopenauditionsfortheirentire
seasonandIhopedtogetcastinThe Importance of Being Earnest.I’mahuge
fanofcomedicperiodpieces.Idrovetothequaintolddowntownthatseemed
frozeninanothereraandparkednearthemarqueeofthehistorictheatre.
Howexciting!Arealtheatre—notamakeshiftindustrialspacethatwasthenormfortheindependenttheatresceneI’dbeenusedtobackinSanFrancisco.
I rehearsedmy twomonologues in the lobby, didmy vocal exercises,
warmedupmytongue,andevendidafewsidestretchesandjumpingjacks
toloosenup.
“MariaRoss?”
Iwasup.AsIenteredthemajesticoldtheatre,itwassomewhatdark
butthestagewaslitlikeaninterrogationroom.Heartracingandpalms
sweating,Isaidhellotothebarelyvisiblefourauditorsseatedinthemiddlerowandcondentlymarchedontothestage.Thegreatthingaboutbeingin
thisscenarioisthatyouactuallycan’tseetheirfacesverywellandforme,
thatmakesiteasiertoletlooseandperform.Ican’tseeiftheyhateitornot.
Iperformedmytwomonologues,probablytoofast.ButIneverletmy
nervesshow.MyheartwaspoundinginmyearsbutIignoredit.I’ddone
thisenoughtimestoknowhowtojustignoreallthefearandfocusonthe
performanceasmuchasIcan.
“Thankyouverymuch,Maria.Thatwasgreat.”
“Well, thank you for theopportunity to audition today.” It always
helpstobepoliteandprofessionalsotheydon’tassumeyou’llbeadiva.
Isteppedoffstageandwalkedbackuptheaisleasmynerves“came
down.”Acalmwavewashedovermytensemusclesasadrenalinesubsided
andItookadeep,luxuriousbreath.Mypulseslowlyreturnedtonormal.
OrsoIthought.
WhenIhadalmostreachedthereardoor,Ifaltered.Thebloodinmyheadfeltasifitrusheddowntomyfeetlikeareleasedgrainchute,leaving
melightheaded.Whereonesecondtherehadbeennopain,ahugespike
wassuddenlypoundedintothetopofmyhead,blindingme.
Igrabbedforanearbypole.Myneckmusclescrampedinstubborn
agonyandsoonmyentirebackseizedupasifIhadjustliftedtooheavyof
aweight.NauseasetinasIstruggledtocomprehendwhathadhappenedto
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meinthelastveseconds.Swiftlygulpingairinandout,Itriedtoregulate
my breathing, and thought this was just a serious case of performance
anxiety.
Iwalkedtothelobbyrestroomasifabookwasbalancedonmyhead,
tryinghardnottoupsetasinglemuscleforfearofcollapsinglikeahouse
ofcards.Mercifully,noonewasinthereasIfumbledtothesinktosplash
coldwateronmyface.Yearsagoinkindergarten,we’dhadaparticularly
hotspringinNewYork.Myteachertolduswecouldcooldownbyrunning
coldwaterovertheinsideofourwrists.Notsurewhyitworks,butitdoes.
Iheededheradviceinthattheatrebathroomandthought,“Wow,youmusthavebeensonervousthatyourbloodpressurespiked.Let’sjustworkon
bringingyoubackdown,missy.”
High blood pressure runs inmy family.BeingaTypeApersonality
myself,Ihavehadboutsofitinthepast.Atonepointinmyearlythirties,
Ineededmedicationforthehighbloodpressure,butthenitsettleddown—
perhapsafterInallydumpedthetoxicboyfriend—andIwasabletogo
offthepills.
Shockedandstilldisoriented,Ithoughtmaybethiswasjustanextremereactiontothenervesandstressduringthelastfewmonths.
Proud that I had avoided passing out or throwing up, I thought
I had everything under control. But as I turned away from the
sink, my neck and back pain came back into sharp focus and I
couldn’t turn my head or even stand up straight without tears
springing to my eyes. I somehow managed to make my way out to
mycar.
“Let’sjustsitforawhileandgetsomefreshair,andyou’llbene,”I
reassuredmyself.Isatinthedriver’sseatandleanedagainsttheheadrest
withmyeyesclosedforabouttwentyminutes.Breathingdeeplyandghting
backtearsofconfusion,Ifocusedonsimplystabilizingmyselfenoughto
drivebacktoSeattle.DaggersshotupanddownmyneckifIturnedthe
wrongway,soImovedasifIwereinafullbodycasttokeepthepainat
bay.SatisedIwasstabilized,Iturnedthekeyandslowlydroveaway.
Paulwas at a dentist appointmentdowntown, and Iwas supposedtopickhimuponmywayhome.Icouldn’tevencallhimfromtheroad
becausethatwouldhavemeantmovingmyheadaroundtoomuchtodeal
withthecellphone.Pullingintoaparkingspottowaitforhim,Inally
reachedthephoneanddialedittolethimknowIwasthere.
“Babe,youneedtodrivewhenyoucomedown.Somethinghappened
andIcan’tmovemybackandneck.I’minsomuchpain,”Itoldhim.
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Trottingtothecar,heopenedthedriversidedoorforme.Ieasedmyself
outascarefullyasIcouldandwentaroundtothepassengerside.
Helookedatme,puzzled.“Whathappened?”
“Ihavenoidea.OnesecondIwasneandthenextIhadablinding
migraine.Thepainzoomedfromzerotosixtyinlessthanthreeseconds.I
can’tevenmove.Let’sgethomebeforeIgetnauseousagain.”
Paulobliged.Westoppedoffformigrainemedicinetotrytodealwith
thingsourselves.Itookthepillsandcrawledintobed.
PaulhuggedandkissedmethatnightbeforeIwenttosleep,likehe
alwaysdoes.Withafurrowedbrow,hewatchedmeas I fell asleep.HereallywantedmetobehappyinSeattle.
Andthiswasnotbodingwell.
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Headaches like thatdon’tjusthappen,atleastnottome.Itwassudden
andexcruciatinglypainful,anditimmobilizedmyneckandback.I’dhad
mildmigrainesbeforebutIknewthiswasnoordinaryheadache.
Iimmediatelylookedforadoctor.Wewerenewintownsowedidn’thaveonelinedupyet.BecauseI’dmovedseveraltimesinmylife,Ihad
a standard“getting settled” checklist for eachnew city. Finding a new
primary-caredoctorwasdenitelyonthatlist,butIhadbeenwaitingfor
myyearlyphysicaltorollaroundinthefallbeforedealingwithit.Thislittle
hitchpushedthatsearchforward.
IfoundDr.Cthroughourhealthcareproviderwebsite.Inhisonline
video,hemadeearnesteyecontact,spokeinlayman’stermsandfocused
onhispatients’ feelings,rather than just their symptoms. I immediately
warmedtohisempatheticboy-next-doorapproach.Imadeanappointment
forthenextday,sayingIhadtogetintoseehimbecauseIwasprettymuch
immobilized.
Dr. C’s ofce was easy to nd. A huge waiting room greeted me
whenIcheckedin.Ihaddrivenmyselfthere;thepainwasstillseverebut
manageable.TheycalledmeinbeforeIevenhadachancetolloutallthe
paperwork.“Sonicetomeetyou,Maria.Soundslikeyou’rehavingsomeheadache
issues?”HewaskindandIlikedthewayheactivelylistenedanddidn’tjust
ushermethroughtheassemblyline.
Itoldhimaboutthesuddenepisode,myhighbloodpressurehistory
andallthestressandchangethathadbeengoingoninourlives.Hetook
mybloodpressure.Itwassomethingridiculous,like150over110.
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“Well,it’sreallyhighandmaybethatiswhatiscausingthemigraine,”
hesaid.“Wecouldtryputtingyouonbloodpressuremedicationagain.”
“I’dliketoseeifIcangetitdownwithoutmedication,”Isaid.“Maybe
asIsettleintothings,intomybusiness,Icantrytogetitdownthrough
yogaoracupuncture?”Iwasdesperatetoatleasttryanaturalwayrst
andleavedailypillsasalastresort.“Wouldgoingoffmybirthcontrolpill
helpatall?”
“Maybe,maybenot,”hesaid.“Youshouldn’tbeonthemanywaywith
thatbloodpressuresohighrightnow.”Dr.Ctooksomenotes.“Okay,
let’strytohaveyoumanagethisforaboutamonthandseehowitimpactsyour headaches.Watchyour sodium intake, get back to yoga, and give
acupunctureatry.”
Relievedatknowingthismightjustallbehighbloodpressureandnot
somethingmoredrastic,ItoldhimI’dneedtotalktoPaulrstaboutgoing
offbirthcontrol,andIwouldcallhimtolethimknowabouttheplan.
“Here’smydirectofceline,”hesaidashehandedmeacard.“Let’s
startmonitoringyourbloodpressurenightlyandtrackingit.Buyoneof
thosehomemonitorsatthedrugstore.Callmewhenyoumakeadecisionaboutthepillorifyouhaveanyotherquestions.AndI’mprescribingafew
weeksofphysicaltherapyfortheneckandbackpain,whichyoucanstart
rightaway.”
Ireallylikedthisguy.
“Ifthebloodpressurereadingsarestillhighafteraboutamonthand
theheadachesarejustassevereandfrequent,callmeandcomebackin.We
mayneedtoputyouonmedicationatthatpoint.”
OffIwent.Theneckandbackpain,whilelessened,werestillanuisance
soIimmediatelywenttothephysicaltherapy(PT)clinicafewoorsbelow
Dr.C’sofcetomakemyappointments.Theheadachehadcomeandgone
inthedayssincetheinitialevent,usuallyreturningina“slowburn”kindof
way.Imanageditwithibuprofenandover-the-countermigrainemedicine.
MyphysicaltherapistandIworkedonstrengtheningexercises,stretches
and lightmassage. As she poked and kneaded, I could indeed feel the
musclesrelaxing,soIthoughtwewereonourway.Afteroursessions,myheadacheswereusuallylesssevereorinsomecasescompletelydissolved.
Atthetime,Iwasworkingonapart-timeprojectatMicrosoft(ina
differentdepartment thanwherePaulworked)andwasonlyrequiredto
driveintotheofceoneortwodaysaweek.Therestofthetime,Iworked
fromhome,whichwasideal.Withourdog,Eddie,around,itwasniceto
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havetheexibilitytowalkhimeverymorningalongthetree-linedFremont
ShipCanalbeforestartingmyworkday.
Ilovedmynewcareerasamarketingconsultant.BeforetheMicrosoft
projectcamealong,IhadoneortwosmallclientsthatIgotthroughthe
amazingMelodyBiringer,asassySeattleentrepreneurwhoknowseveryone.
SheandImetthroughanewbusinessincubatorIattended,andwebecame
fastfriends.Sheintroducedmearoundtownandhelpedmelandaplum
projectwithanotheruber-connectedwomanonabigevent.Thisevent,to
beheldatthetopoftheposhColumbiaTowerClub,wasaninvitation-only
retreatwithsomeofSeattle’smostpowerfulwomenexecutives.AndhereIwas,juststartingmybusinesswiththisrareopportunitytobuildsuch
bridges.Itwasthedreamofayoungentrepreneur’slife.
TheeventwasheldonJune19,afewweeksaftertherstdebilitating
headache and subsequent visitwith Dr.C. By this time, I still had the
headachesoffandon,butneverassevereasthatrstonehadbeen.
OnthedayoftheColumbiaTowerevent,IcalledDr.Cduringabreak
toaskafewnalquestionsaboutgoingoffthebirthcontrolpill.PaulandI
haddecidedtodowhateverwasneededtobringmybloodpressuredown,andDr.Capplaudedourdecisions.Neverbeforehadadoctorspentso
muchtimeonthephoneansweringmyquestionsandcalmingmynerves.
Healsoaskedhowthebloodpressurereadingsweregoing.
“Well,thereadingsareloweronthedaysIhaveacupunctureortherapy,
buteventhoselowerreadingsarestillreallyhigh,”Iadmitted.
“Okay.Justkeepaneyeonit,andcallmeifthatcontinuesafteryou
gooffthepill.”
ThenextmonthorsowaslledwithworkingontheMicrosoftproject,
marketingmybusinessandmanagingmybloodpressure.Icontinuedto
sufferfromthebadheadacheseverynowandthen.Whenmybackandneck
painaredup,Icouldn’talwaysmakeittoyoga,soItriedacupuncturefor
therst timeandreally liked it.It feltalittleweirdto liefacedownon
a table andknow the acupuncturist was sticking small needles intomy
skinbut,somehow,ithelpedthepain.Certainlythatcouldbeduetothe
acupunctureitselfandtothealignmentofchiow,chakrasandwhatnot…ortothefactthatyouspendabouttwentysilentandjuicyminutesrelaxing
inadimlylitroom.I’msurethathassomethingtodowithit,too.
Havingalwayseatenreasonablyhealthy,PaulandIsteppeditupby
usinglesssaltandreadinglabelsforsodiumintake.GoodLord,thereisa
lotofsodiuminwhatweeat.Pre-packagedsoupsaretheworstculprits,
withsometimesabout50percentofourdailysodiumintakeinoneserving.
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Lookatme,I thought.Whatwiththeregularyoga,theacupuncture
treatmentsandmyexpandedfoodconsciousness,I’vereallygone“Pacic
Northwest.”I’mttingrightin,hereinSeattle.NowIjustneedtogovegan
andI’llhaveallmybasescovered.
Unfortunately, the headache came back every so often. On a few
occasions,themigrainemademesonauseousthatI’dbevomitingonceor
twiceaday.ButIpoweredthrough,diligentlytakingmybloodpressure
readingsandtrustingthedoctor.
Everynight,I’dplacethecuffonmyarmandtrytorelax.Aftertwo
readingstogetanaverage,Iwrotedownallthenumbersonanotepadinmybedsidedrawer.Anormalbloodpressurereadingisabout120over
80.Abovethat,anditstepsintohypertension.Myreadingsrangedfrom
140over100tosometimes160over120.Ievenrememberafewreadings
of170oversomething.Thesecouldnotpossiblybe100percentaccurate,
Ithought,andIchalkedthemuptothecheapmonitorhavinglessthan
stellaraccuracy.
“Whatisittonight?”Paulasked,tryingtobenonchalant.
Itoldhim.Hestaredbackatme.“Dr.C said to give it amonthor two,” Ioften remindedmy dear
husband.Andwebothwenttobedwrappedupinourownworry.
Ican’trememberwhichheadacheandvomitingepisodeputmeoverthe
edge,butIknewitwastimetocallDr.Candscheduleareturnvisit.
Actually,thatepisodemusthavebeenduringtheweekpriortoAugust
4,2008…becauseInevergotthechancetocallhim,oncethatfatefulday
dawned.
OntheweekendbeforeAugust4,Iwasdelightedthatourgoodfriends
ScottandCarriewerevisitingfromIndianapolis.Scott—withhiswildcurly
hair,heartylaughanddevotiontoEngland’sArsenalFootballClub—isa
creativegeniusandrunsasuccessfulbrandingrm.Anartschoolgraduate,
heloathesblindconformityandtoleratesmysororitygirlexuberanceand
loveforboybandsonlybecausethey’regenuine.Scottwasintownbecause
ofsomeclientworkatMicrosoft.(Yes,everythinginmylifeseemstocomebackaroundtoBillGates.)
Scott’swife,Carrie,hadtaggedalongtoseeme.Ourfriendshipbegan
whileworking togetheratan Indianapolis ad agency in the late 1990s.
I’mnotquitesurewhywekeptourdistanceinitially:perhapsIwasalittle
intimidatedby her smarts and beauty andmaybe she assumed Iwas a
typical,uncreative“suit”—eventhoughatthetimeshewasoneaswell.
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Buthertalentshavealwayslaininthewrittenword,andshewasbiding
timeinanaccountmanagementpositionsoshecouldeventuallymoveup
tothecopywritingoor.
A raven-haired, curvalicious beauty with big blue eyes and
alabaster skin, Carrie is like one of those rivers whose depth stretches
into innity. You can actually see the wheels turning, thoughts
churning, reections forming in the quiet of her watchful eyes. She is
extremely well-read, a veritable literature junkie, and a gourmet cook
toboot.
TogetherwithourmerrybandofmistsattheagencyinIndianapolis,wehadspentmanyanafter-workhappyhourloungingatthecozydive
bardownthestreet,poppingchampagneordowninggoodredwine.We
usuallyendedupatsomeone’shouse,whereanyofthethreefabulouscooks
inourgroupwhippedupasimplesupperofbrie,baguettesandseasoned,
pan-searedscallops.Itpaystohavefoodiefriends.Thosewereyummydays.
CarrieandIforgedourfriendshipduringakeyturningpointinboth
ofourlives.Ourroadscollidedassherampedupanewromancewiththe
manwhowouldeventuallybecomeherhusband,andmyrelationshipwithmylongtimeboyfriendbegantounravel.
We lived in the same city for only a year and a half—and our
friendshipdidn’treallyblossomuntilmaybesixmonthsintothat.Over
90percentofourrelationshiphasbeenviaemail.Sincewe’rebothwriters,
wecangomonthswithoutactuallyspeakingtoeachother,butthrough
countless trials,we have been there for each otherwith supportive and
heart-wrenchingemailmissivesdetailingeverythoughtinourheads.We
dreamedofbigthings:publishingbooks,trekkingtheglobe,producingour
ownTVshowsandcreatingkick-assmarketingcampaigns.Wecriedon
eachother’svirtualshouldersduringmybrokenengagementtomyformer
boyfriendandheryearsofsearchingandself-doubt.Wecheeredeachother
onduringmybuddingentrepreneurshipandherbraveleapintowritingher
novel.Andasfatewouldhaveit,whenIactuallypickedupaphoneand
calledhertosharenewsofmywonderfulengagementtoPaul,sheinformed
methatScotthadproposedthatsameweek.Sometimes,Iwishwe’dkeptallofthoseemails.Readingthemwouldbeliketrackingacivilization’s
evolution.
WhenPaulandIgotmarriedinApril2006,CarrieandScottewout
toSanFranciscotowitnessourwonderfulweddingbytheBay.Twoweeks
later,wetackedafewdaysontoourBelizeanhoneymoontowatchthemtie
theknotatanintimateKeyWestseasidedinnerparty.Symmetry.
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WhenScottandCarriearearound,wealleatwell.Theycancookupa
gorgeousosso buccowithoutbreakingasweat,andtheyannuallytravelto
Francetopursuegastronomicpleasures.
So during their visit to Seattle in early August of 2008, I made
reservationsforthatFridaynightatoneofmyfavoriteItalianrestaurants
inSeattle’sCapitolHillneighborhood.
My good friend Ursula was also in town.Ursula is a t and sassy
AustralianwithwhomPaulandIhadbothworkedatourlastcompany.
Outspoken, ercely loyal and delightfully silly, Ursula was my cosmo-
swirlingbuddyonmanyaFridaynightduringmysingledays.Ofcourse,we’rebothgoodgirlsatheartsowealsoattendedtheoccasionalSunday
masstogetherandsharedquietdinnersathome.OneChristmas,Ursula
tookmetoSydneytocelebratewithherboisterousandclose-knitfamily,
andwehadablastfortwoweeks.Webothcomefromethnicfamiliesand
Iwassurprisedathowsimilarintradition,loyalty,anddevotiontofood
herLebanesefamilyistomyItalianone.Hermotheradoptedmeintoher
broodandledmealongwithherownthreegirlstoChristmasmass,where
we led silently into thepew likeducklings,deckedout inourprettiestskirts.
That weekend, Ursula stayed at our house, while Scott andCarrie
luxuriatedattheir favoriteSeattleboutiquehotel.Ironically,Ursulahad
satwithCarrieandScottatourweddingtwoyearsprior,sotheyalready
kneweachother.
Perfect,Ithought.We’llallgotodinnertogether.
Theeventsofthatweekendslowlyrevealedthemselvestomeinthe
monthsfollowing.ItwasalongtimebeforeIcouldrememberanything
we’ddonepastdinnerthatFridaynight.
I do rememberwalking into the restaurant. I remember amedium-
bodiedbottleofredwine,laughterandsomedeliciouspappardelle.The
details,however, are still a bit hazy. Paulwent home right after dinner
becausehewasexhausted,butIstayedoutwithScott,CarrieandUrsula.
Stillsomewhatunfamiliarwithmynewcity,Iwasn’treallysurewhere
wecouldgoforanafter-dinnerdrinktogether.WewanderedupPineStreetandIspottedabarcalledWildRosewithmusicspillingoutthedoorand
ontothesidewalk.Payingthecoverandstumblingin,welookedaround
toseewomengatheredtogetheringroupsoftwosandthrees.Ittookus
amoment,butwelaughedaswerealizedIhadchosenalesbianbarto
entertainmyheterosexualout-of-town-guests.Ahwell.Westayedput,but
afterallofthedinnerwine,onecocktailinthebarcausedawaveoffatigue
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towashoverus—especiallyourvisitorsfromtheeasterntimezone—sowe
piledintocabstogohome.
Bypiecingtogethertheeventsofthenextday,IrecallthatUrsulaand
IhitPikePlaceMarket.Thesoundsofboisterousshmongersandbustling
touristsassaultedus.Wemeanderedaroundbright,freshveggiestandsand
milesofthemostbeautifulfreshowerbouquetsyou’veeverseen:bright
reds,yellows,greens,pinksandbluesburstingbeforeyoureyes,andeach
arrangementmoreperfectthanthenext.Thearomasofsweetchocolates,
freshly baked pastries and homemade cheese mingle with the salty air
waftingfromPugetSound.IloveshowingvisitorstheMarket.It’safeastforthesenses.
We wandered out of the market into some nearby shops, and she
screamedindelightwhenwefoundarusticspicestore.Ursulahadjust
started an online blog devoted to spices and cooking, so we spent a
considerableamountoftimesamplingandsnifngfromthebarrels.Idid
notrememberthissidetripatalluntilIdrovepastthestore,monthslater,
andgotaashofrecollection.Whenyouareabletollinablackholein
yourmemory,yougetthesamehighaswhenyoundthatcrucialjigsawpuzzlepiecethatts.IthinkIactuallyclappedwithglee.
UrsulaleftonSundayandIpreppedforanewauditionatadifferent
theatrecompany.AlittlespookedthatI’dhavearepeatofthelastone,Idid
everythingIcouldtokeepmynervesincheck,includinglightstretching,
deepbreathingandpositiveself-talk.
IheadedoutearlytothecrampedstudiospaceinCapitolHill.Climbing
thericketysteps,mybodywarmedandmyfaceushedasthebloodonce
againstartedrushingtomyhead,whereaslowpoundingstarted.Carefully
breathinginandout,Imademywaytotherestroom.
“Okay,thisisnotgoingtohappenagain,”Iorderedmyreectionin
themirror,asbeadsofsweatformedonmyforehead.Afewmoredeep
yogabreathsseemedtosettlethepoundingandthenIperformedmylittle
water-on-the-wrists trick. Miraculously, I felt my body temperature dip
downabit,andthebloodrushsubsided.
Shortlyafterthat,withatouchofalingeringheadache,Iperformedmymonologueperfectly.
“Ididit,babe!”IexclaimedtoPaullateron.“Iguredouthowtocope
withthenervesandbloodpressurethistime!”
Yeah,right.
ApparentlymyattemptsthatdaywerenotassuccessfulasI’dhoped.
Thatnight,Ionceagainhadmythrobbingheadstuckinatoilet,vomiting.
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Paulfoundmepassedoutonthebathroomoor,butwhenherousedme,I
convincedhimIwasexhaustedandhadjustfallenasleep.
Thenextday,August4,Iwasduetoworkataclient’sofcebutIwoke
withthenowfamiliarneckpainandthatsamewickedmigrainesqueezing
myheadinavise.IknewIwasgoingnowhere.Aftercallingmyclientto
letherknowIwouldn’tmakeitin,Itriedtosleep.Itwastheonlywayto
handlethestabbingheadandmusclepain.
Paul usually takes theMicrosoftConnectorbustowork.Microsoft
convenientlystartedthisinternalbussystemamonthafterwemovedto
Seattle.Thecompanysendsoutlittlebusestovariousneighborhoodstohelpeaseemployeecommutes.It’scompletelyfreeforemployees,andthe
othersidebenetisthattheygettousethespeediercarpoollaneswhen
returninghomeduringrushhour.WelivedafewblocksfromaConnector
stop.
Thatday,however,Paulchangedhisplans.
“Whydon’tItakethecarintowork,incaseIhavetocomebackand
helptakecareofyou?”
“Don’tbesilly.Youwon’thavetodothat.I’lljustsleepmostoftheday.”
Buthedidn’tlisten.ThankGod.MightbetheonlytimeI’lleverbe
thankfulforthat.
Thisdayisstillahugeblackholeforme.Iremembertheintensehead
painandthenausea.IrememberPaulcominghomemiddaysohecould
work fromhomeandtakecareofme.Hebroughtmechicken soup for
lunchtoensureIatesomething.Ihaveabriefmemoryashofmeinmy
PJs,standingatthekitchencounter,slurpingdownthesoupandvaliantly
tryingtokeepsomethinginmystomachsoI’dhavesomethingtothrowup.
Thenthingsgocompletelyblank.Atleastforme.
Paul,myfriendsandmyfamily,however,laterlledmeinonthehorric
detailsthattookplaceovernotjustthenexttwenty-fourhours,butthenext
thirtydays.
Ibelievethingsareworseforthosewhocanclearlyremembertrauma
thantheyareforthoseofusexperiencingitrsthand.Ourownmemoriesoftenprotectusfromourselves,butit’salothardertostrikethoseimages
fromthemindsofthelovedonesaroundus.
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Ifound out muchlaterwhathadhappened.
After making the soup for me for lunch, Paul went to my ofce
downstairs so he could work. We have a three-story contemporary
townhome,somyofceandthefrontdoorareatgroundlevel.Thesecondlevelisanopenoorplanofkitchen,diningroomandfamilyroom,and
thenthebedroomsareonthetopoor.Ilayonthecouchonourmainlevel,
tryingtowatchTVandsilencethedrillboringintomyskull.Atsomepoint,
Irantothebathroomtothrowupagain.Sinceit’satthetopofthestairs
leadingtotheofce,Paulcouldhearmeretching.
He heard a loud thud and then silence. The dog started barking,
whiningandrunningincircles.Paulcameupstairstoinvestigate.
Ilayonthebathroomoor.
Collapsedandunconscious.
I imaginehimspringing intoaction like asuperhero.Hemust have
triedtorevivemeandwhenthatdidn’twork,hehadthepresenceofmind
tocall911.Godlovehim,healsocalledourgoodfriendBarbtocomehelp
him.
“Mariapassedout.Theambulanceisonitsway.Canyoupleasecome
getEddie?”Barbdidnotevenwastetimeaskingquestions.Stillinherworkout
clothes,sheranfromherhousetwoblocksawaytoassist.
Ilovemyfriends.
BarbarrivedtoafranticPaul,pacingandwide-eyedwithfear.Are
departmentladdertruckhappenedtobenearbyandarrivedrstonthe
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scene,aheadoftheambulance.Seeingmelaidoutontheoor,ghostlypale
astheparamedicsworkedonme,shestartedshaking.
“Hassheoverdosed?”thestraight-lacedEMTasked,shininglightsinto
myeyesandpokingandproddingvariousbodyparts.
“No…no,notatall,”Paulstammered.“She’snevertakendrugsinher
life!”
“Sir,maybeyouwerenotaware…?”TheytriedtobetactfulbutIwas
showingallthesignsofadrugoverdose.Theparamedicsriedthroughthe
Excedrinandvitaminbottlesonourcountertobesure.
Our townhouse is impossible to nd because we are up a steepstairway,behindahouseandhavenovisibleaddressfromourstreet,sothe
ambulancewashavingahardtimendingus.Barbranouttothebackalley
towavetheminbutnoonecame.SheranbackinsideandrealizedPaulhad
usheredtheminfromthestreetbelow.
Theparamedicscouldn’tgetthegurneyupournarrowstairwell,so
theywrappedmeinaslingandcarriedmedown.
For all anyone knew at that moment, I was in a coma. Severe
unconsciousnesscanpointtobraindamageorapossiblestroke.Withmybrainbasically“ofine,”theparamedicshadnoideaifmajororgans,such
asmylungs,mightstartfailing.Or,evenworse,ifmyprotectivereexes—
likecoughingor swallowing—wereaffected.Consequently, they focused
onensuringmysystemdidn’tphysicallyshutdownandthatIcouldstill
breathe.
Aftertheygotmedownstairs,theyintubatedmebythreadingalong
plastictubedownmythroat,andthenbaggingmewithavalvemaskon
thewaydowntotheambulance.Hard-coresedativesmusthavefollowed
afterthat,becauseI’velearnedthatifapersonregainsconsciousnesswith
atubedownhisthroat,therstsurvivalresponseistoripitout—andthat
wouldbevery,verybad.
Idon’tthinkanyoneneedstoseetheonetheylovehavingabreathing
tuberammeddowntheirthroatattopspeed.JustpictureallthoseoldER
episodesandyou’llknowexactlywhatImean.Freakingout,Paultriedto
processwheretheyweretakingmesohecouldfollow.BarbtookEddie,lockedupandwenthome.
Withitssirensblazing,theambulanceracedvemilestoHarborview
MedicalCenter,theonlyLevelIadultandpediatrictraumacenterinthe
PacicNorthwest’sfour-stateregion.Everyoneknowsfromwatchingthe
newsthatit’swheregunshotandcarcrashvictimsfrommilesaroundare
alwayssent.
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On theway, the paramedics assessed me using theGlasgowComa
Scale1.Thisneurologicalscaleassessesaheadinjurypatient’sconsciousness
levelbutisnowcommonlyusedbyrstrespondersforanyacutemedical
ortraumapatientslikeme.Specically,itmeasureseye,verbalandmotor
responses. On its fteen-point scale, anything below an eight suggests
severeinjury.Insomecases,anythingbelowafourisconsideredneardeath.
Iwasathree.
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