1. Pot Addictiona. Try to end daily pot useb. Try to reach a state whereby you can have pot in the house without using it for an increasing length of time

i. Begin with a day and get to a week ( in other words, if you take a week off without having to throw away your stash, then you’ll have made progress)

c. Marijuana Anonymous2. Opiate Addiction

a. Oxy ok whenever you want, just not every day and not in any significant quantity (10mg 1-2/WEEK)3. Mental health issues including Klonopin, Wellbutrin, Lamictal, and Zoloft addictions

a. You’re not really doing anything to address the issues or to reduce dependency on the medicationsb. You might need to discuss your feeling that you are not getting with the program with the doctor

i. I don’t know what the hell he’ll say, but at least he’ll see where you are coming from and you will be less likely to try to put pressure on him to give you answers and solutions he cannot possibly have, not to mention your stated intention to pressure or manipulate or whatever him into hooking you up with a pain doctor.

c. Group therapy4. Generalized procrastination and avoidant prioritization

(e.g., working on chess when you need to be working on finding a job or your addictions or your psychological problems, etc.)a. Try to stop indulging the addictions, if only just for the nonce (problem: what to do with the time?)b. Try to end all speculation about Searle books/websitesc. Try to end all prior attachments to Berkeley and the academic careerd. Try to end all prior attachments to Gail and Bruce; just admit it’s over and you’re alonee. Come up with an employment and/or relocation plan; make sure you understand the consequences of any move

i. Nauss? Tell him about your mom?ii. Investigate trash removal and moving situation, etc.

iii. Deal with the financial issue hanging over your headiv. Problems: financial issue, not having anywhere to go issue, not having anything to do once I get there

f. Julie relationship must fundamentally change; you must admit thisi. In relation to (1: Pot addiction) being around her while she is high and getting pot for her are probably not helping with your

own pot addictionii. Also, quit comparing yourself to her; she’s in a completely different situation than you are now

iii. Also, quit pretending like you have as stable a situation as Julie, with as much room for bull-shit drug useg. Philosophy

i. What the fuck am I gonna do until I get the money and energy to move?h. Computer procrastinations and improper backups and bullshiti. Try expressing your feelings in language on paper without publishing it and without self-indulging

5. Little Projectsa. Read and Discuss LSD/Ecstasy Book and Energy issue with neighborb. Glassesc. Fix Archosd. Refill medicationse. Get your car serviced

f. Get your teeth cleaned in Septemberg. Go to Yamashita concert in October

6. Little addictionsa. Chess

i. News, study, history, extracurricular reading, book browsing and spending, book downloading and printingb. Guitarc. Mediad. Book collecting, packratting, hoardinge. News and History

Typical Work Day:Run errands, etc. (1 day/week)Typical Light Work Day:Clean, help out in the garden (1 day/week)

Typical bullshit self-indulgent day (5 days/week):

Get upShowerMake some ginger drinkStudy chess and or read world history booksGet highTry to play guitar or listen to instrumental musicFeel bad, take downers, take napGet upStudy chessGet highFeel bad, take downers, go to bed for the night

I feel like none of the choices I make on a daily basis make any sense; there’s no foundation, no unifying thread, no I’m choosing to do X in order to Y because Y is some end in itself or something I just want or something I’ve committed to, etc. (it doesn’t matter what Y is as long as serves to give meaning to X, insofar as some X contributes to the accomplishment of some Y (some a purpose, goal, fulfillment, etc.)

Why do I brush my teeth; so they won’t rot and I can still use them effectively in the future (for accomplishing what?)Why do I shower; so that my body won’t go the shit (for accomplishing what?) and so as not to offend others (for what reason?)Why do I eat and drink; for pleasure, for satiation, but most importantly so that I will have energy and general physical fitness for the future (for accomplishing what?)Why do I masturbate; for pleasure, for satiation, for release so that I can get back to other things that need to be accomplished (such as what?)Why do I study chess; for pleasure, for feeling like I’m improving or winning at something, for release, and to avoid confrontation (with what: the fact that my life is totally meaningless)

Same goes for other addictive behaviors and hobbies: they “go” nowhere (not in some cosmic sense, been in a mundane sense: so, having kids is meaningless in the cosmic order of things, but it can help to give meaning or contribute to the constitution of the meaning of a breeder’s life: kids can tie you down in a potentially beneficial way that a hobby never can)

I used to have meaningful connections to people, to things, to activities, to groups, but these connections have dissolved, so to speak. I also feel like suicide makes a lot more sense than before: a well planned and considerate suicide seems the best way to respond to the current situation (lack meaningful connection and contribution towards some kind of meaning or purpose, if only mundane and never “final”; cannot help but see hobby-like pursuits as non “final,” not what life, in any mundane sense, is “about”)