the awakening

The Awakening

… Migdal Eden

The Awakening

Dedicated to an unnamed love

1

…..There were You and I in Jerusalem.

And there were a lot of ghosts floating around

interfering with things

with their cerebral plasma.

Ghosts from your childhood…ghosts from mine… although mine were

mostly dealt with.

3 years in Alanon

after I recognized myself in the book

“Women who Love too Much”

Bioenergetics

Healing workshops where I was told that…

in my past I was a very powerful witch

and… that I still had great power…to do either

great harm…or great good…and I choose good

and a thesis on Bowen’s Differentiation of Self within the Family …using

my own family as the triangle players

and a working plan to …“de-triangulate” and to gain a differentiated self

that worked …had all contributed to my ability to

“Be Here Now”

2

That and my left handedness and my learning how to switch

almost at will from the left hand side of the brain to the right.

Oh the beautiful right! Where’d I’d lived almost exclusively

from birth until the age of 21…when I started talking.

Before that I’d been a tree…FEELING A SENSE OF ONENESS

FEELING A SENSE OF WHOLENESS because

in the right hand world… time does not exist…There is only NOW.

And words do not exist…but…poetry does…and

music…and…getting from here to there can be…

accomplished…without…moving.

And the senses are so enhanced… The poetry paintings

painted from your eyes and your ears and your tongue

are positives of Van Gogh’s sickness

and no LSD (Life Support Diodes) needed to be on the “Trip”.

And there I was in the NOW embodying what I called

“The Indifferent Joy”, embodying a Joy that could not be effected by an

external event or person.

Then I went to college…and…

had to talk.

3

But this was much later…and

There were You and I in Jerusalem.

You with your ghosts and me with…

my memories of ghosts.

Before the book “Woman who Love Too Much” and Alanon

I’d ruined a perfectly good marriage

by not dealing with my ghosts…by not

knowing or acknowledging that these “ghosts” existed.

I was the casebook woman who tried to love and be married by…

making an exception to the man that I was with…by entrusting him with my heart and…

my life…when I didn’t trust men or like men(with good reason as a child)

in general.

And my husband didn’t help. Doctor Saleh. He tried to be a HERO…the man who…

“Never told a lie”

That WAS hard to live with. It was like living with a cardboard cutout…

who had all of his negative feelings… repressed and ironed out.

Needless to say there was never any conflict in the house and…never

any resolution to those “non-existent” conflicts.

4

Well by the time you walked into The National Diamond Center…and…

OUR EYES MET…as they say…violins madly sawing away

I had re-emerged as a woman who had met head on and dealt with

my frightening alcoholic father, my frightening alcoholic uncles

and my severe…and non-loving grandfather.

I’d come to like and even love men in general

and even…had more men friends than woman.

And then you walked into The National Diamond Center…and…

OUR EYES MET…and I was…so…

utterly… unprepared to meet…

THE MAN WHO LOVED TOO MUCH.

There should have been a road sign posted at the intersection…

where the crash occurred

BE PREPARED TO STOP

…but…there wasn’t.

6

The eyes say it all

7

Yes, the eyes say it all…

and there you stood…

your deep and luminous eyes…

shining out at me.

Maybe if I’d of known what was coming

I would have run…but

I didn’t.

Instead I felt an answering smile

welling up from the depths.

Oh, where are these things born from?

And we then proceeded to have a

passionate love affair for the next two years

without it once getting physical…

in spite of my best efforts.

I should have known from that…that

something was very wrong.

Well, that and your numerous stories of all the destructive bitches that you had met

and married anyway…if not over and over again…well, than quite a number of times.

And you just kept staring at me like I was the “Goddess on Earth.”

I mean I was, but …what did you really want?

8

Because of the lack of touching and holding, and to be blunt about it Fucking

my natural healing abilities, my right hand side of the brain side

went berserk with intensified feelings.

I couldn’t hold you?

So what was the answer.

I developed telepathic abilities with you.

I could pass messages to you from 3000 miles away.

I wasn’t allowed to express my love to you?

I probably developed a general Shine Onto the World in general.

A lot of men fell in love with me at this time…

both living and dead.

The more that you loved me…the more that you seemed to shy away..

even turning your eyes away from me at times…

when you told me that even though your current fiancée…

was a bitch…

and 3000 miles away on top of it…refusing to join you in Israel

while you turned around the company…that…

you had been hired to “turnaround”…

No, you(turn your eyes away from me while you say this)

No, you…were going to go home and marry her…and…

that was that!

9

And the more that you loved me…

and you loved me more and more…everyday…

the more you turned your eyes away from me…

so that I couldn’t see in…

and the more you said…

that was that…

You were going to marry her.

I had to perform telepathy to find you.

And you were standing right next to me!

10

There should have been a

road sign posted at the

intersection…

where the crash occurred

BE PREPARED TO STOP

…but…there wasn’t.

11

Then at last SUDDENLY…after

Maximum Torture…or after eating crackers with the Maximum Pleasure…

you left…

YOU WERE GONE.

And I did the unforeseeable.

I flew after you…

like a comet sucked into the gravity of the vortex of your going.

I hadn’t been back in America in fifteen years…

…on purpose.

I’d left America fifteen years back

and stayed away for…fifteen years

for reasons I felt like were…sound.

So I flew to my mother’s…the one that I had been

differentiated from for almost two decades already

and by now… we were very good friends.

I tried to contact you and failed.

Not even the telepathy was functioning.

There was a black curtain pulled over your eyes.

In other words: CURTAINS FOR ME.

In retrospect…What was I the earthbound Goddess doing…taking flight to America to find you, who the

more you love me …the more you cannot stand… to be found.

12

Fifteen years

have passed

14

Four years ago I was FULL OF WORDS

FULL OF MUSIC FULL OF RESONATIONS

FULL OF SPIRIT FULL OF FREE

A lot of men were falling in love with me

which I noticed like

a tree notices

the breeze.

It stirred my leaves but…

didn’t really catch

my attention.

I wrote 10 books in 3 years.

Words were pouring out of me.

LIFE WAS POURING INTO ME

THEN I

HAD THE ACCIDENT

and after the accident

I couldn’t sleep

…never again

…so I couldn’t dream.

15

AND THEN

On then on the first anniversary of my mother’s DEATH DAY and on

HIS BIRTHDAY

my husband (small h)

did something so stupid and HURTFUL

that after writing 400 PAGES OF LOVE poems

to him

my voice! my words!

were KILLED.

I never wrote another love poem to him

I never wrote anything at all for the next

4 YEARS

AND I SUFFERED

AND I GOT SICK

AND I DID NOT DREAM

AND I DID NOT SLEEP

AND I SAW IN COLORS THAT WERE NOT COLORS

IN OPAQUE GREYS AND BLACKS

AND

I COULD NOT FIND A REASON WHY I SHOULD KEEP ON LIVING. Period.

16

BUT

ONE THING WAS A small SAVING GRACE

I COULD MAKE AMAZING PHOTOGRAPHS…

IMAGES THAT STUNNED…

POURED OUT OF ME…

TRYING TO CRY OUT… WHAT I

COULDN’T SAY.

THEN

2 months ago.

I found out the cause of my sleeplessness

AND

slept at night for a month

THEN

You answered my request to be my friend on Face book.

The request had been open for a month

when you answered “Yes”

like a BOLT OUT OF THE SKY

as you said on AUGUST 31

NOW, you keep saying that I came back to you on your birthday.

Well, happy Birthday.

17

I’d been feeling the itch and stab of

needing to write again

for about a week…and

IT WAS TIME TO SCRATCH

AND…

…BY YOU I WAS

TAKEN BY SURPRISE

…A SECOND TIME!

OH, GOD DID YOU TURN THE WORDS ON

OH, GOD DID YOU TURN THE WORLD ON

OH, GOD, I NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU LIKE THAT.

*I FORGOT SOMETHING (See later)

BUT I WROTE!

THE WORDS CANNOT BE STOPPED

18

I’ll search for you over the deserts

19

What happened? What happened?

So many blows from waves

when you disappeared in a seashell

that makes no sound back to me

when I listen for you

21

Did

I tell

you I

need

you?

22

And that

I can do so much more if

you are with me

24

Let’s zoom out of a window

together

and orbit earth like

twin star lovers

and watch from above as the

lighted side of the planet darkens

25

and the other side smiles with light

28

My senses are resounding with the echoes

of the sound of the stone

that I threw into the lake

to tell you that I love You

30

Color me

with

your

kisses

31

I ride my feelings like

I shift a car

smooth real smooth.

I feel the shiftings everywhere

in my head, underneath me

There’s a steel rod

… going straight through me

Just imagine what I could do to you if

I was shifting you

33

Where is our love

going?

You don’t need to

know

Right this minute.

No, you don’t

34

S o ride it a little.

Ride in the stream.

The bigger answers are

In that currant and they won’t

be

So clouded in many thoughts

Like many things are BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIE TO THEMSELVES "FOR THEIR OWN GOOD"

35

I Finally Come to you

36

I Finally Come to you I’ve always come to you and For you To come to Me and take me Into the wilderness That has teaching in it And a flood of Reaching out to you And I’ve always come to you

38

AND Where are you? I'm looking at you inside of my head. I'm drinking you like cool aid. I'm using you like Meth.

Where are you?

I’m looking at you inside of my head.

I’m drinking you like cool aid.

I’m using you like

meth.

39

You've intoxicated my intelligence my senses. I want to throw myself off of a cliff, into the wind of you.

You’ve intoxicated my intelligence

my senses.

I want to throw myself

off of a cliff

into the wind of you

40

Oh God so good to feel you. I need to feel you all over I need to drink you like wine. I need to taste you. I need to get high off of you. I need so much from you; I don't even know where to begin.

Oh God so good to feel you

I need to feel you all over

I need to drink you like wine.

I need to taste you.

I need to get high off of you.

I need so much from you; I don’t even know where

to begin

41

You knew way back when

that there was something

big

inside of me

But it took all these years

to test it, to flay it,

to hone it,

into the fine precision instrument

that it is now

42

And now time will tell

if you will

drop off wings melted And now time will tell if you will drop off wings melted and failed in an attempt to fly to the heart of a fiery sun whose center is cool so cool But time has already told me informed me you ticking under the surface like a time bomb

43

I am the same person now that I was then

Just without the words

And now that I have the power of words

you see how I can bind you to me

because with the words

I cannot lie

and you can see that

I am as open to you

as a naked baby

is to food and warmth

44

This power...this inner power

does not build up gradually. It either IS or it ISN’T.

It has to be in a state of NOW and no other time

NOW is a successive state of images.

NOW is music written in an instant.

NOW is the poem that bursts

from it's cocoon and flies off instantly

in FULL FLIGHT. NOW between a man and a woman

is like nothing else.

45

Let's try to sink into that hole in the cloud

that leads into

inner space. Breathe in....and....connect

to your soul...to your shadow that peeks out

from the half lit hallway Breathe in....and look

at the stairs ...that lead up there

....where ether off clouds and blonde

hopes.... are drawn in....with each...

breath ... and gamboling on the shelves....

with a light touch of.....honey scented awareness.

...Breath in....

46

Breath in...

Look up in under ...the hood of your brain...where...

the switch between the 2 states of... being look at each other...with longing

of being..one ...one...within ...the other

as the railings align...touching briefly then sending each...

on its way... One...to the past...

and the... future and the second...into

the...NOW

49

I remember your white shirts.

I remember your eyes.

I remember your hat.

I remember the gate opener to

the underground garage.

I remember how you wanted to touch me

but didn’t.

I’m caught by your scent

I’m obsessed by it.

You’ve got me in your net

And I’m higher than a kite.

50

When you come home... let's stop with the business...until tomorrow

Don’t tell me that you've got a huge erection ...with no place to put it.

I want to make you scream in ...ecstasy...

and come with…wild delight...

Think of me standing up over you and coming all over you

in howling screams

51

Think of me as a small green snake

winding myself up along you ...covering every inch...

as I lick you all over...with a flickering tongue

Think of me as sandalwood scented lotion

sweeping up and over your back and then...

THINK OF RAIN

HITTING ON YOUR BARE SKIN

WHERE I'VE TIED YOU TO ME

UNDER A HUGE OPEN SKY

WHERE I'M BEGGING YOU TO MOVE IN ME HARDER

WHILE I GENTLY CIRCLE YOUR EYES AND EARS

WITH MY FINGERS

SCENTED WITH

OPIUM

52

YOU'LL SIT CROSS LEGGED

AND I'LL SIT ON YOU

RISING AND FALLING ON YOU LIKE A RUNNING STALLION

WHILE WE BREATHE IN TOGETHER

AND BREATHE OUT TOGETHER

AND WE MERGE INTO ONE RACING SHADOW

BREATHING SLOWLY AND DEEPLY

UNTIL...TIME...STOPS

53

LET'S GO LAY OUT IN THE DARK WITH WARM WATER AND

A TROPICAL BEACH I'LL TAKE YOU INTO THE WATER WHERE YOU'LL FLOAT

MY HAND UNDER YOUR HEAD GENTLY SUPPORTING AND GUIDING YOU AS I

SEND A BLUE FLAME UP ALONG YOUR LEGS ALONG YOUR SIDES UP AND OVER YOUR CHEST AS I CUP AND SHAKE OUT YOUR SHOULDERS THEN LAY A HAND ON YOUR FORHEAD AND STOMACH

SIMULTANEOUSLY AS YOU RELEASE ALL TENSIONS AND

...RELAX INTO ME

54

The

55

Little Bye Bye Goodnight Poem

I’m waiting for one last

touch of you

and then I’ll go to sleep

I’ll get into bed in 8 minutes

at the stroke of midnight

at the 12 clanging strokes of you

You will stay with me until

the clock strikes …midnight

and blue shaded night creatures

like me return to their beds

And so with a sad little shrug

(although I’m not so little…and really not so shy)

I must leave

56

Bye Baby Bye

don’t forget where you put me

in the drawer

And…don’t forget to

sew me back on

And…don’t forget to

gather up all your tickets for

future use with me

57

AND I can feel your heart thudding like bird's flight (caught) from my soft kisses I can feel your mouth trembling at the corners from the touch of my tongue I can feel your love your fingers wound around mine your dark eyes shining I can feel the point when we merged into one soul and the bright star blinked You tremble as you enter me and slow as you find there your peace I tremble as you enter me and weep as I find in this Joy The butterfly stands blue wings aloft in blue draft flexing into flight

AND

59

The furnace of

the day glows bright with

the wishes and dreams of

yours that did not come to

pass...yet another day

But in through the window of

your soul

comes a little wind(me)

winding the scent of

lavender into your thoughts

nudging your forehead to let go of its load

and into sleep

a deep quiet sleep

that will not count anything...

not money, nor sheep

and a large golden moon

sails over you...

perfect guardian of peace...

your peace, sweetheart.

60

Take a deep breath

…before you drift off

and review your day

in slides

slipping by you in a golden haze

and remember some small happiness

then blow it up with a now happier breath

until it is the biggest balloon

of happiness that you've ever seen.

As you rise up off the ground

holding onto the happiness balloon...

you look down upon

what seemed overwhelming

only a few hours ago...

and it doesn't seem so now

61

AND Breathe in deeply. Focus.

Bring it up…

the liquid song

from within...

a whirling healing song that comes from within you…

your best… you

a happy you...a…

centered you.

Breathe in deeply. Focus.

Visualize this...

Blue circles and lines...

separating and converging...

turning on the switch to your...

…calm...mind.


Look at your hands.

Feel the energy...

passing between them...

the heat starting to glow in them.

62


Observe the colored circle behind your third eye.

Observe as it changes from yellow to blue...

…the healing color...


You're ready to transmit.

the healing gift of… love.

Accept your gift and pass it on.

63

AND Two steps. Two steps.

Go on, take two steps closer

until I can look into your eyes...

until I can look into the ribs of

your heart.

...until I can see your teeth shake.

You bragged that you would buy

my love

by the carloads.

Go on do it. Get close enough

to stick that "Sold!" sign

right over my Gate of Fire.

64

Fresh with wild are you?

Massive in your will to break me

wide open...as I burst over you coming...

so quick and so long

into your hungry hands.

Pretty rosato...

pretty wild strawberry...

you'll moan...as you come too

in spicy bursts

as I spit Chianti from

my mouth...into yours

as you're coming.

65

Come on, get closer...

as I curl my tongue at you...

tease you...pat you on the head...

as I tie a sillky smooth scarf around your neck.

Closer, c’mon...

“Closer my pet...”

I purr ...as I drag you closer yet

Nero d"Avola

what a delicious sin I'll commit upon you

when you've bought me by the carload.

I'll keep you tied to the steering wheel

while I make you come twenty times.

I'll lick up every drop of

your juicy plum laden come

66

...seriously...sensuously.

I'm a wine taster baby.

I'm after the deeper flavors...

hidden in your soul.

I'm going to make you scream.

I'm going to make you scream.

Running my finger spiked with cheap thrills and heavy

love

from your hips, with a detour, down to your heels.

I'm going to make you scream Baby.

I'm going to make you scream!

67

but WAIT A MINUTE!

I’m getting WARNING CHILLS!

69

I am not being hostile. I am being frightened. I am frightened about how much I need you. I am frightened about the fact that I've opened myself up you completely. I am frightened that I'm holding nothing back. I am frightened that you still cannot say simply that you love me. I am frightened that I have to accept that unique way you have of saying it...without saying it. I am frightened that I have to accept whatever you say...because I am so tied to you. I am frightened that I am so tied to you. I am frightened because I feel "tamed" not "claimed" I am frightened that you don't have the words that you need to tell me ...and that you so often say "Do you try to understand how I feel? Do you try to understand what I need?" When that's all I'm left with doing since you can't explain yourself (or rarely) even when I repeatedly ask. I am frightened that I have to rely on the wordless spaces to cipher out how you feel and what you need. I am frightened because...

before I could look at you and read you from how you looked at me, how you sat…and how you tilted your head. I am frightened now because I cannot look into your eyes and read them. I cannot see how you're tilting your head. I am frightened because now I need words to understand you... and words are not really the way that you let me know about you easily.

SO WHOSE WORDS ARE THESE?

I’m getting WARNING CHILLS!

70

I remembered to think my feelings and… I don’t want to love you.

I don’t want to feel this connected to you.

I don’t want to love you.

You’ve never said I love you…

to me.

Yet you kept me tied to you until…

you said goodbye.

Is that what you’re going to do to me …

again?

I don’t want to love you.

71

I remembered to think my feelings and

so I had to think, then tell you I think that I've figured something very valuable out about you sweetheart. Something that's been there all along. It's the reason that you went to HER, against all reason.

There's something that's very threatening to you about engaging with someone that you really love...about someone who opens in you all those impossibly deep passionate feelings that you can't deal with. That's got to be the reason that you serially went after all these destructive women...one after the other. Yes, you knew all along that they were so destructive...but you couldn't help yourself. These kind of women were what you knew and who ultimately would not be able to get any love from you, I mean after all they didn't deserve it did they? And me, scary me...with my oceans of love...was never going to win you...never... no matter what I did or do. I feel sure that this is right. And I felt better knowing that.

Well that’s what thinking’s for…

to guide you not to get burned on the

stove again.

Now it’s later time (remember the asterisk?) and time to remember.

So maybe there’s no saying it or saving it.

There is no “us”. period. But

72

But

TODAY

AND TODAY

AND TODAY

I AM NOW!

I AM NOW!

I AM NOW!

AND PRAISE JESUS, I’M A JEW!!

The words are sticking with me

like burrs that like my fur.

THEY’RE BUBBLING UP IRREPRESSIBLY

They’re getting tangled up in my breaths that are turning into

laughs!

They’re carousing with me in the kitchen…

They’re caroling me in my sleep.

They’re jetting out like rockets.

They’re making a fanfare…where

there’s no fan and no fair and

LIFE I COULD EAT YOU!

AT LAST I AM AWAKE!!!!!

the awakening

Art & Photos