11.RAPPORT

Rapport = establishing a relationship based on confidence and

influence through empathy and sympathy.

Relationship = min 2 persons

Confidence = having roots

When a person has confidence, you already have influence.

Until the moment the coachee is not in rapport with the coach, he/she is in one of the

following stages: freeze - fly - fight – forfeit

When people are exposed to stressful or threatening situations, they respond in a manner

summarized by the catchy phrase, “fight or flight”. Less catchy but more accurate is the

contemporary construction, “freeze-flight-fight-forfeit”, which not only describes the full

set of responses, but also reflects the general sequence in which they occur. The response

set typically begins at stage one, and escalates to subsequent stages as the level of threat

increases:

If a threat is believed to be imminent, Freeze – a response characterized by a state

of hyperawareness and hyper vigilance; purpose is to detect potential threats (“stop,

look, and listen” response).

If a threat is detected, take Flight – a response characterized by a state of fear and

panic; purpose is to escape from the threat (“run away” response).

If unable to escape the threat, Fight – a response characterized by a state of

desperation and aggression; purpose is to neutralize the threat (“fight for your life”

response).

If unable to neutralize the threat, Forfeit – a response characterized by a state of

tonic immobility and paralysis; purpose is to surrender to the perceived threat

(“playing dead” response).

These stages are innate responses that operate in all humans (and mammals generally),

though the triggers for each stage vary widely from person to person. Depending on the

strength of the threat stimulus, the response can skip stages.

1st step of rapport is creating empathy.

Rapport = mirror

First session of coaching = rapport

Ex: Rapport with groups = enter in the archetype and create rapport with the leader of the

group

*Rapport is an honest tentative to enter in the others world map. Small details are very

important !

Unconsciously we make rapport naturally.

Consciously we are anti-rapport makers.

Verbal Non-verbal

Language/words Gestures

Repetition Voice

Situations Mimics

Metaphors Distance

Expressions Posture

Touch

Velocity

*There is only 1 opportunity to create the first impression but the rapport can be built with

time

* Rapport does not mean friendship, rapport is synchronizing (tune in) energies.

*Rapport does not have anything to do with agreeing or disagreeing with another.

*Rapport is humility, is adaptability, but above all rapport is flexibility.

Ex: in a negotiation the most flexible person is the winning one – survival of the fittest.

*Rapport is natural.

*If you cannot enter in rapport with a coachee is better that you will not be the coach of

that person. The coach has to serve, and transform rapport into confidence.

"The most effective way to achieve right relations with any living thing is to look for

the best in it, and then help that best into the fullest expression!"

- Allen J. Boone

Levels of Rapport

1. Presence and Partnership

To be present is the first level of rapport. A helping exercise that can bring that state of

presence and awareness can be simply breathing exercises, focusing on inhaling and

exhaling.

*Take a look here.

Partnership:

- Use the same type of chair

- Give the opportunity to the coachee to choose the place where to sit

- Create the space for the coachee to be comfortable

*physical space

– Geography – the coachee has a wide space at the right side.

- Neutral space, without distractions.

Presence & Partnership

Posture & Words

Questions & Patience

Psychology &PEMS

Person

With

Person

Tips & Tricks

*take notes of how the client was dressed in the first session.

*be careful with the sessions in the client´s house: distractions, the anchors of the

problems are in the house.

*don´t forget that this is a working/professional situation.

2. Posture and Words

- Have the same posture as the coachee

- Use the power of metaphors – the same as the coachee

- Use the power of telling stories

- Have the ability to really listen to the client – finally the client feels he is

listened to

Tool : backtracking – use the coaches words, don´t paraphrase, quote the client !

*the power of YES - is the attitude of rapport

* the power of seeing everything that is beautiful in one person

* give space to silence

*respect the other´s map and way of being

*when a session is not going well, or they break, even when have an argument with

somebody the solution is going back to the 2nd level of rapport : posture and words !

3. Questions and Patience

- If u are willing be patient

Questions have the power to empower the shadow in the psychic of the client. With a

question the coach has the power to bring a whole new world to the client, to unveil new

resources, to self discover the answers inside of him. Inside of the caves there is light.

Suggestion for good questions :

- Repeat what the person is saying in an interrogative way

- What “that” means for you ?

- How can u describe “that”? Talk more about “that”

The questions have to take the coachee to act, to focus on the objective and not on the

problem; questions are oriented towards the future and not the past.

4. Psychology and PEMS

Life is made of relationships. Relationships with ourselves and relationships with others.

There are people who relate better with themselves, other that relate very well, without

efforts with other people and others that have big difficulties in relating either with

themselves or others. This can affect ones personal or professional life, or even their health,

as problematic relationship are the ones that most hurt and grind.

But have you ever wondered why relationship don´t work ?

Let´s try and understand the way we interact with each other.

Physical contact : by touching, like handshakes, hugs, kisses

Love : through intimacy, we can touch each other with the love we give and receive

Fraternity: taking advantage of our similarities. We are all human beings, we cry,

laugh, love, dream, etc.

Psychology: understanding how the human mind works, or the psyche. 90% of the

cases are the only way of interacting that we have.

There for, we need to understand how and when to use all the above mentioned. For

example in a professional relationship is hard to use the Love, and is more recommended

to use the psychology way. The better we understand the logic of the psyche, the better we

can help our coachees to follow their dreams.

As we see, psychology is an important tool at our disposal, sometimes the only one, to

improve the type of relationship we have with each other and with ourselves. Different

authors have approached this subject over the years, so there have been developed several

theories for the psychology of personalities. But there is one that we would mention for his

great work in psychiatry and psychology:

Carl Gustav Jung was a Swiss psychiatrist and the founder of analytical psychology. He was

contemporary with Freud, with who he shared interest in medicine and psychiatry. One of

Jung´s most renowned work is “The psychological archetypes” where the author dedicates

himself to the study of social and collective archetypes and defines 8 psychological types

based on people´s behaviour, abilities, skills, attitudes and motivations. He also started to

distinguish people as extroverts (sociable and expansive) and introverts (reserved and

reflective). Within each of this groups a person can still be more connected to two of the 4

psyche functions : the sensation, the intuition, the thinking or the feeling.

In the 40´s, Isabel Myers and Katharine Briggs, continued Jung´s work, and identified 2

auxiliary functions : perception and judgement. This is how; they came up with 16

personality types. Based on this they developed also a world known personality test – Myers-

Briggs Type Indicator – MBTI.

Based on Jung´s work, Daniel Sa Noguiera created a model called PEMS, which presents in

a simplified way the logic of our psyche.

PEMS distinguished 4 types of our psyche logic based also on the 4 elements of life:

1. Practical (the body: doing, activity, action, the element earth) – corresponds to people

that are grounded, active, dynamic, practical. In excess they can be people that don´t

stop to think over their actions.

2. Emotional (the heart: feeling, feelings, love, the element water) – corresponds to

people that needs people, relationships, search for affection. In excess can be over

sensible people.

3. Mental (the mind: thinking, analyse, intellect, logic, the element air) – corresponds

to people that valorise the analysis, rationalizing and using the logic, and have as a

focus taking the right decision. In excess they can be people that become impersonal

and cold.

4. Spiritual (the soul: Being, values, existence, the element fire) – corresponds to people

that think that everything has a meaning and a higher purpose. People that give a

lot of meaning to values. In excess can turn into people that fluctuate too much and

materialize few.

There for, we are going to divide the people in 4 types :

Practical people – like to do and act. Like to feel they have everything in control.

Emotional People – like to feel and relate. Like to feel empathy with you.

Mental People – like to analyse and think. Like to feel they are right.

Spiritual People – like to be and shine. Like to feel they are significant.

SpiritualMACRO - MACRO

MentalMACRO - micro

Emotionalmicro - MACRO

Practicalmicro - micro

Accordingly to this, each type has a unique way to see the world.

Emotional - Micro-Macro - Turns everything that is small in big and important. Everything is emotions. Mental - Macro-Micro – Turns everything more complex by simplifying. Transforms the great in small. Spiritual - Macro-Macro - Take in all that is great and gives you an even greater significance. Everything is a question of values, wants to make the world a better place. Interprets everything beyond the reality. Practical - Micro-Micro - Transforms everything that is small in a simple here and now. Acts now with whatever it has. Apart of the fact that we all have and use the 4 types in different situations of our lives,

there are always 2 that are predominant, one that is principal and the other that is auxiliary.

Based on the graphic presented before, the auxiliary is always on the right or on the left of

the principal one. For example, a person that is principally Practical, can have as an auxiliary

either the Emotional or the Mental : PE or PM.

There for, personalities can be classified like following:

PE or EP

PM or MP

SE or ES

SM or MS

As you can notice above, the options: EM/ME or PS/SP do not exist. That is because it is not

possible to have as a principal and an auxiliary functions that are opposite.

Accordingly to some statistics approximately 80% of women are Emotional, 80% of the men

are Mental, 80% of human beings are Practical and 20% are Spiritual. There for, the majority

of women is PE and the majority of men is PM, and is very rare to find women MS and men

ES.

Examples of famous people:

PE : Madonna

PM: Bill Gates

ES: Mother Teresa of Calcutta

MS: Einstein

The best way to discover what are our principal and auxiliary functions, or better said, the

best way to discover ourselves is to get out of our comfort zone, to face our fear, to step on

unknown ground, to risk, to reach our discomfort zone and understand how we act within

it, until we manage to transform it into our comfort zone.

“You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself.”

Alan Alda

5. Person with Person

*The level of rapport is a total vibration.

*Rapport is conscious and continuous work.