queen of the nfl
TRANSCRIPT
QUEEN OF THE NFL
by
Chris Faber & Dan Baron
FADE IN: INT. THE BIRDCAGE – DAY The high-class South Beach drag club is closed for the afternoon. Proprietor ARMAND GOLDMAN (Robin Williams) enters and steps toward the bar. He stops as THE LIGHTS SUDDENLY GO OUT. THE UNLIT STAGE as a Spanish guitar calls out. Armand is surprised as a light hits a backdrop to reveal the silhouette of a woman. HER RED FINGERNAILS hold tight to her hip. HER FOOT taps to the rhythm. HER BACK MUSCLES begin to undulate. She launches into flamenco, raising her arms dramatically, clicking her heels. She throws a sharp look over the shoulder as a spot hits her Only it's not a her it's AGADOR (Hank Azaria), THE HOUSEMAN. He plays it to the hilt with an intense gaze, quick movements Armand shuts off the cassette player, leaving Agador off balance.
ARMAND Agador, the self-cleaning oven is supposed to give you more time to clean.
AGADOR
I want to be a dancer in the show.
ARMAND Dancer?
Armand kneels and grabs Agador’s foot. IT’S PAINTED BLACK TO THE ANKLE, WITH QUARTERS GLUED TO HIS HEEL TO MAKE THE CLICKING NOISES.
ARMAND A policeman has a gun. A horseman his crop. A proctologist his latex glove. And a flamenco dancer wears high heels!
AGADOR
You know I can’t wear shoes A HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM grabs their attention. IT’S ALBERT (Nathan Lane), Armand’s long-time companion, horrified at what he thinks he’s walked in on: Agador, on his stage! And Armand on bended knee, holding Agador’s foot to kiss it!
ARMAND Albert, don’t
ALBERT
Murderer!
ARMAND Murderer?
2
AGADOR Oh my god.
ALBERT
So I’m to be replaced, just like that. In the show and in your heart. The dagger cuts twice and cuts deep, Armand.
He stifles a sob thinking about it. Armand throws up his hands.
ALBERT Et tú, Agador?
AGADOR
Miss Albert, you know I would never murder you. I just wanted to show him what I can do, you know, my moves.
ALBERT
When you say it, it sounds so innocent. (to Armand)
So. He can act, too. Congratulations. I wish you both the best of luck!
He storms out. Armand sighs and goes to the bar for a drink.
AGADOR What was that all about?
ARMAND
He missed the kids’ call from Nepal last night. Now they’re up on the mountain again for a month. And we’re stuck down here with the many-headed Hydra of abandonment.
AGADOR
That’s terrible. Poor Albert. So can I be in the show?
ARMAND
You already have a career. Armand throws a dust rag to Agador. Agador click-clacks off the stage, picking up a bottle of 409.
AGADOR You never take me seriously. I don’t know why I work for you.
ARMAND
Because you don’t see a lot of want ads for a Lycra-wearing, barefoot houseman who cooks like a prison chef.
3
AGADOR You are such a monster. You deserve to be henpecked.
INT. GOLDMANS’ APARTMENT A PHOTO ON A TABLE. ARMAND AND AGADOR’S SON VAL AND VAL’S WIFE BARBARA OVERSEEING THE SITE OF A HYDROELECTRIC DAM IN NEPAL. Agador lays on the sofa eating chocolates and watching "An Affair to Remember.” He hears a noise, remotes the TV off, hides the chocolates under a cushion, and fluffs the couch as Albert comes up from the club, in costume, looking like a collision between a Peacock and a lioness. Hoping a few friendly words might tame him:
AGADOR Miss Albert, how did the show go?
But Albert just turns his head away and tosses his feathered hat to the floor. Agador bends down for it and Albert drops his leopard coat. Agador has to follow behind as Albert discards his boa... his bracelets... one glove... the other... Albert exits the room. Agador sighs, relieved. ALBERT REENTERS SNAPPING ON A WHITE GLOVE. He has some slacks over his shoulder. With his other hand he throws them at Agador.
ALBERT The pleats aren’t straight.
He runs a gloved finger along the mantle, then along the edge of a painting of a grim, androgynous Elizabethan duchess that looks not unlike him. But his finger comes away clean. Agador smiles. ALBERT RUNS THE FINGER UP THE BACK OF THE PAINTING. IT COMES OUT BLACK. HE POINTS IT ACCUSINGLY AT AGADOR.
AGADOR What is this, a police state? This is why I left Guatemala.
ALBERT
You were lazy there too? (walks to mail table)
And this! I’ve told you a thousand times. Outgoing mail goes on the right.
AGADOR
I put them on the right! He points to the left. Albert is caught off guard. He opens the closet to reveal piles of magazines.
ALBERT What is all this?
4
AGADOR It’s for the Publisher’s Sweepstakes. I almost won last time. If I just buy a few more
ALBERT
Car and Driver Magazine? You don't even own a car!
(Agador sighs) I want my pleats straightened! The backs of all the paintings cleaned! All... automotive or engineering magazines out of this apartment! And these letters on the right!
(Agador starts to speak) The other right!
(marches off) INT. AGADOR’S ROOM - MORNING Agador is in his pajamas, feeding his parrots.
AGADOR Here you go, Gloria. And for you.
He puts a seed in his mouth and holds it just out of reach.
MADONNA PARROT Material girl! Material girl!
He kisses the parrot as it takes the seed from his mouth. ALBERT BURSTS INTO THE ROOM AND CROOKS A FINGER AT AGADOR. HE FOLLOWS. LIVING ROOM Albert pulls the half-eaten chocolates from the couch. He holds the box top up accusingly. There’s a note. “TO STARINA FROM AN ADORING FAN.” Agador turns to Armand who’s reading the paper.
AGADOR I was doing Albert a favor. In her depression she'd binge. You know how she struggles to stay a size 15.
Armand wants nothing to do with this. He turns a page.
ALBERT Agador, what were you doing last night while Armand and I were doing the show?
AGADOR
I don’t know. I’m not your slave you know. I have my own life.
ALBERT
Then let me refresh your memory!
5
He remotes on the TV and VCR. An image comes up of Agador at Albert’s closet. Trying on Albert’s clothes!
ARMAND You set up a spy camera? This is the kind of thing you could have a hard time explaining at a commitment hearing.
ALBERT
It’s a nanny cam! And I’m glad! We trusted you and this is how you repay us?
ARMAND
I just want to know what the point is of my paying twenty thousand dollars a year on Georgette Klinger Spa treatments if I have to continue to go through days like this?
ALBERT
No, Armand, it’s just too much. I shall never erase the image of him in my Gautier Bustier as long as I live!
AGADOR
OK. Maybe I tried on some things I shouldn’t. But when I'm alone I dream that someday I, too, will dance
ALBERT
Fine. Dance. Dance through life. Fly away. You are free. You’re fired!
ARMAND
Albert.
AGADOR No, Señor Goldman, I know when I’m not wanted.
He storms out, choking back tears. He goes into his room, throws clothes in a suitcase and grabs his parrots.
AGADOR Come on, girls. We’re leaving.
ARMAND
Albert, please. Say something. Albert grabs a folk-art statuette from a bookshelf.
ALBERT As long as you’re going, take this horrid Guatemalan gourd person thing with you. I never liked it.
Agador grabs it and storms out of the house in his pajamas.
6
INT. RESTAURANT - DAY Still in pajamas, Agador walks in with suitcase and parrots.
AGADOR Thank God you got my messages. I can only talk to you.
REVERSE ANGLE ON SIX OF HIS FRIENDS, at a table. Five are gay men who span the spectrum from guys you'd swear were Playboy subscribers to CECE, who could pass for a centerfold. And JUDY, a female friend with an actual uterus.
EVERYONE AT ONCE What’s wrong?; you sounded so upset; etc.
AGADOR
They were beasts. “Agador, clean this. Agador clean that.” So I left.
EVERYONE AT ONCE
They had no right; That’s terrible!
JUDY That job was wrong for you anyway. I mean there’s been talk in Geneva about writing up a convention against your cooking.
(everyone glares) What? It’s an opportunity for you to find the right fit for your talents. We should all be so lucky.
AGADOR
(upset) I have no talents!
JUDY
That’s not true. You can do lots of things. She tries to think of something. So does everyone else.
TEDDY What about that dress you made me?
CECE
(offended) I made you that dress.
JUDY
(to Agador) But you modeled it for her.
INT. GOLDMAN KITCHEN – DAY Armand and Albert go through the mail. Armand notices the opened envelope of the letter Albert is reading.
7
ARMAND Why are you reading Agador’s letter?
ALBERT
He’s not welcome to step foot in this house. So I had to see if it was important enough to send to him.
He opens another letter and starts filling out a form.
ALBERT He may already have won ten million dollars. They’re dated so I fill them out for him... “Field and Stream” or “Guns and Ammo”?
ARMAND
(dials phone) Agador, hi... You have some mail here. And I’m not sure, but I think Her Majesty is considering a pardon.
Albert mouths “no, no”, then tries to listen in on Agador’s answer. INT. GOLDMAN’S APT. – DAY – THE FRONT DOOR as Armand opens it. It’s Agador, looking presentable.
ARMAND Come in.
Albert sits, doing needlepoint, acts surprised to see Agador, then continues. Agador ignores this. He reviews his mail and SHRIEKS. (A patented piercing shriek that we’ll be hearing more from.)
AGADOR Oh my god! I won! I won! Mira!
(runs to Albert) The Hershey’s contest! A hundred thousand dollars!
ALBERT
You won? You won! Ahhhh! They kiss and hug and dance, instantly friends. Armand comes over and reads the letter skeptically.
ALBERT I missed you terribly. It just hasn’t been a home without you.
ARMAND
You did win. (the other two scream)
But not the hundred thousand. You won a chance to win a hundred thousand. It’s the Hershey’s field goal contest.
8
AGADOR Qué? Where does it say that?
ARMAND
Here. The large bold letters. You have to kick a field goal during halftime of the Miami-Dallas game.
AGADOR
Well that doesn’t sound so hard.
ARMAND You kicking a field goal is about as likely as Stevie Wonder becoming an air traffic controller.
ALBERT
Don’t be so negative. Maybe they’ll be nice and let him set his own goals.
INT. HERSHEY’S HEADQUARTERS IN PENNSYLVANIA - DAY Sally, a harried Hershey’s PR rep is on the phone with Agador.
SALLY You’re just in time. The game’s next week. We just need some info for the press release. Where are you from?
INTERCUT WITH AGADOR IN THE LIVING ROOM, TALKING ON THE PHONE Feet up, Agador reclines on the sofa in a bathrobe, Albert filing the nails of one hand as the other soaks in Palmolive.
AGADOR Guatemala.
SALLY
Interesting... And your parents?
AGADOR My father was a shaman and my mother a high priestess of her tribe.
SALLY
For real? That’s great! Hard-working immigrant wins chance to strike it rich. A regular Horatio Alger.
Agador winces as Albert plucks his eyebrow.
SALLY I don’t mean to be rude, but “Agador,” is that a man’s name or a woman’s?
AGADOR
Yes.
9
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY Agador, Armand and Albert are behind a high school, walking toward an empty football field, Armand carrying a football.
ARMAND What if while we’re out here practicing, Ed McMahon is ringing our doorbell?
Albert glares at him. Armand pulls cleats from a shoe box.
AGADOR You know I can’t wear shoes. I can kick without them.
ARMAND
It’s a professional sport. They won’t let you on the field without them. Agador, for a chance at a hundred thousand dollars, you can wear cleats for a few days.
Doubtful, Agador puts them on. He walks delicately, expecting to fall. He doesn’t. He relaxes then trips and falls.
ARMAND You still have a week. Use the time to get used to them.
Armand places the ball. Agador kicks it. It tumbles and bounces.
AGADOR Wouldn’t it roll better if it was round?
ARMAND
This is football.
AGADOR You don’t have to tell me about football. I grew up playing football. I was a goalie.
ARMAND
This is American football! (points at posts)
You’ve got to kick it between those!
AGADOR The antennae?
CUT TO:
Agador runs up to the ball A FEY, WEAVING, JAUNTY KIND OF RUN. Albert sits next to Armand observing through opera glasses.
ALBERT He looks like a big Nelly queen.
10
Agador kicks. The ball tumbles down the field again. EXT. SOUTH BEACH – DAY WEARING THE CLEATS to get used to them, an unsteady Agador walks along the street with Albert's support. They walk into a shop. INT. TAILOR SHOP – DAY – TALKING TO THE TAILOR
AGADOR I am not going in front of millions of people in those drab blues and grays.
ALBERT
Exactly. He wants something that says, “look at me, I can kick!” Silk, maybe a chamois. Maroon sequin buttons
AGADOR
Think Elton John if he played football.
ALBERT But with something very Michael Jackson for the shoulders.
INT. PRO PLAYER STADIUM – MIAMI - NIGHT CLOSE ON A FOOTBALL AS A FOOT KICKS IT. WHACK! It sails up, up... going, going, going... It hits a goal post AND FALLS OUT. INT. PRESS BOX – COMMENTATORS BOOMER ESSAISON AND AL MICHAELS
BOOMER No good! With their kicker Bentley out for the season with a torn ACL, Ralston is a real soft spot for the Cowboys, Al.
AL MICHAELS
And he’s not their only problem. ON THE FIELD, The Cowboys walk gloomily off, TWO PLAYERS ARGUING HEATEDLY.
BOOMER (OC) We’ve heard the stories since spring training. This team just doesn’t get along. A loss today would make them two and five. Could we be looking at the first time in a decade the Cowboys miss the playoffs?
INT. STADIUM SIDELINES – HALFTIME SALLY, Hershey’s PR Rep, paces nervously talking on her cell phone. NEXT TO HER, IN AGONY, AGADOR RUBS HIS BLISTER-COVERED FEET.
11
SALLY ... Because he’s never worn shoes before... How the hell should I know?
ANNOUNCER (OVER PA)
Ladies and gentlemen, this Sunday Night Football game is brought to you by the folks over at Hershey’s, makers of America’s favorite chocolates...
Terrified, Agador looks up at the THRONGS OF PEOPLE IN THE STANDS. INT. BARBERSHOP PERFECTLY SHINED BLACK LEATHER SHOES. CAMERA RISES up gray slacks, to the white starched shirt under smock and the Brill-creamed hair of an older Guatemalan barber, cutting hair. ESTEBAN. Two other Hispanic barbers JUAN and RIGO are taking a load off, watching the football game on a small black and white TV.
ANNOUNCER (ON TV) (Cont’d) ... So let’s give a warm welcome to the winner of the Hundred Thousand Dollar Field Goal Contest: Agador Esteban Guadeloupe Hidalgo de Maria Lorca!
Hearing this, Esteban accidentally stabs his CUSTOMER with the scissors. OW!
JUAN Hey Esteban, that kid has your name. Isn’t that your name?
STADIUM SIDELINES - SALLY PULLS AT A FRIGHTENED AGADOR.
SALLY Come on, you’ve got to get out there!
BARBERSHOP The Barbers watch Agador sashay onto the field. His uniform is nylon pants and a Day-Glo silk jersey with epaulettes and braids. AND HE’S BAREFOOT.
RIGO Look at this guy!
Rigo turns up the volume. Esteban heads for the door, leaving a surprised Customer with half a haircut.
ESTEBAN I’m getting something to eat.
12
INT. STADIUM – STANDS The audience laughs at this barefoot weirdo attempting a field goal. But people abandon food lines to come back and watch. ALBERT, ARMAND, JUDY AND CECE cheer Agador on. ON THE FIELD, Agador is self-conscious. He dusts off his epaulettes. More laughs ripple through the stadium. ON THE SIDELINES, Sally paces furiously.
SALLY Of all the people who had to win on my watch, it had to be a freak.
ON THE FIELD, THE MIAMI DOLPHINS BALL HOLDER shakes his head at Agador. Agador crosses himself. Then runs toward the ball. It’s his fey, weaving, jaunty run. The crowd GUFFAWS. THUMP! Agador’s naked foot connects with the ball. It wobbles through the air. Twenty yards... twenty-five... it drifts left... hits the lower post... and tumbles over. THE CROWD ROARS! THE GOOFBALL DID IT! THEY LOVE THIS GUY! IN THE PRESS BOX, Al Michaels pounds his table, laughing. AT THE COWBOY’S BENCH, TOM PENDEGAST, current owner of the Dallas Cowboys takes his cigar from his mouth, amazed.
PENDEGAST Did you see that Jerry?
JERRY JOHNSON, COWBOYS HEAD COACH, was reading his play book.
COACH JOHNSON What? What happened?
IN THE STANDS, Albert, Armand, Judy and Cece are screaming. ON THE SIDELINES, Sally holds her phone out to catch the crowd’s enthusiastic cheers, then yells into it.
SALLY Hear that? They love him! If he kicks it in from ten yards back he gets another hundred thou... We have to do it. You can’t buy this stuff!
ON THE FIELD, Agador is turning, soaking up the adoration. The Ball Holder claps and hugs him.
CUT TO: Sally is on the field talking to Agador.
13
AL MICHAELS (OC) Agador gets another shot, this time from the forty-five. That’s fifty-five yards to the posts. I’ve never heard of any civilian doing that.
With the crowd cheering in support now, Agador does his signature run, sure-footed this time. THUMP! The ball soars through the air. Twenty yards... thirty yards... FANS get up out of their seats. It goes over with plenty of room to spare! THE CROWD GOES WILD! PENDEGAST JUMPS OFF THE BENCH. HE’S IN AWE. HE WANTS THAT KICKER. INT. BANK - DAY A TELLER counts out a pile of cash for a smiling Agador. EXT. STREET OUTSIDE GOLDMAN APARTMENT - DAY Agador pulls up in a NEW PINK CADILLAC CONVERTIBLE, PILED HIGH WITH GIFT-WRAPPED BOXES. He grabs an armful and walks down the street, stopping to give one to an OLD WOMAN he knows, two to THE KID NEXT DOOR, and three to some BEACH BUMS. MUSIC FADES OUT. INT. THE BIRDCAGE - NIGHT Armand tends the open bar himself, serving a tumult of Agador’s friends. Agador enters with Judy, who’s helping to carry presents. His friends cheer. Agador hands out more gifts.
ARMAND I haven’t seen a crowd react like that since Bette played the Roxy in the mermaid costume for her Clams on the Half Shell Review.
ALBERT
(opening present) Who knew sports could be so exciting?...
IT’S A GOLD LOCKET WITH VAL AND BARBARA’S PICTURE INSIDE.
ALBERT Armand, look! Agador, it’s marvelous, thank you. What did he get you, Armand? Armand’s impossible to buy for. He has everything and needs nothing.
Armand pulls A BEAUTIFUL CAT from his box. OOOOs and AHHHs. Armand holds him doubtfully, but it’s too cute. Armand melts.
ALBERT Oh! He’s beautiful!
AGADOR
His name is Bela. He’s a Burmese Blue.
14
ARMAND He must have cost you a fortune.
JUDY
If he’d take my advice, he could buy everybody a Burmese Blue. Agador’s been getting calls all day from professional teams. They want him to try out.
(everyone laughs) I’m serious. Parcels. Reeves. Bruce Coslet. Every coach who needs a kicker got a hard on watching him Sunday.
AGADOR
Maybe. Still, could you imagine? Me, a football player?
Everyone laughs again.
JUDY Signing with a team would be just the beginning. Endorsements alone could set you up for life. You’re hot, baby. The Dallas Cowboys called three times!
AGADOR
(suddenly interested) The Dallas Cowboys? They want me?
JUDY
They’d kill for you. So would San Francisco or Green Bay, but what matters is that they’ll pay for you.
ALBERT
Agador! You could be a big star!
AGADOR The Dallas Cowboys...
CECE
I love the Cowboys. They’re the most aggressive team in the league.
ARMAND
Did I miss something? He doesn’t know the first thing about football. You’re talking about a guy who thinks a touchdown is foreplay.
ALBERT
He knows enough to be able to buy you a Burmese blue.
JUDY
I could go with him. Be his agent. It’d be fun.
15
AGADOR
You’d come with me?
ARMAND Agador. Reality check. You won a kicking contest. Winning the lottery doesn’t make someone a banker.
AGADOR
That’s true, but I’m a football player.
ARMAND You’re not a football player!
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD – DAY PRO FOOTBALL COACHES sit in the stands, mouths watering as AGADOR, BAREFOOT AT THE 50 YARD LINE, KICKS BALL AFTER BALL THROUGH THE POSTS. A skeptical Cowboys Coach Johnson sits with owner Tom Pendegast.
PENDEGAST That’s one hell of a leg.
COACH JOHNSON
On an empty field with the sun shining and nothing at stake. But in a real game? A guy who never played in college? We don’t even know if this guy went to college.
PENDEGAST
You’re supposed to be able to teach them what they don’t know. That’s the job description, anyway.
INT. JUDY’S APARTMENT – DAY Judy on the phone, doing a Jerry Maguire, as Albert watches jealously.
JUDY Don’t jerk me around, Mike. Hit me with a serious bid or come and watch him play for San Diego. Hold on.
(clicks over) Ray Ray calm down. He can kick for you or against you. It’s your decision.
AGADOR is watching TV, riveted to Knute Rockne, All American. It’s the climax, Pat O’Brian giving the heart rending “win one for the Gipper” speech. Agador’s eyes brim with tears. ALBERT IS TALKING ON ANOTHER PHONE.
ALBERT ... It’s not the money, the money’s fine, but he absolutely won’t play for you without top billing.
16
Overhearing, Judy grabs the phone from the startled Albert.
JUDY Hello?... Barry, I’m sorry, he’s not That’s a serious offer. I’m going to have to discuss it with my client.
She looks at Agador, who’s still watching Knute Rockne. AND SOBBING HIS HEART OUT NOW. She speaks into the phone.
JUDY Can I get back to you?
INT. THE GOLDMAN’S APARTMENT – DAY Judy’s got the facts and figures spread on the table. It’s decision time for Agador. Albert and Armand hover.
AGADOR I want to go with the Dallas Cowboys.
JUDY
The Cowboys aren’t even offering as much as the Redskins.
ALBERT
You mean “Native Americans,” dear. Oh, Armand, he’s really leaving us. Judy, there are a lot of sharks out there who will try to live off the life blood of a star. I’ve been there, I know. Are you sure you can handle it?
ARMAND
Albert, you are not going to Dallas.
ALBERT Who said anything about me going to Dallas? Though I do think that someone with my experience would be invaluable.
JUDY
Agador, I think you’d be more comfortable in San Francisco. Or Seattle. Or New York. God, anywhere.
AGADOR
I have a good feeling about the “Cowboys.” They have a rugged, outdoorsy sound to them.
ARMAND
Of course they’re rugged. They get calluses on their hands from beating up queers.
17
ALBERT Armand, don’t be silly. I’m sure it’s no accident that it’s an all-male sport.
INT. MIAMI INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT NEWSSTAND - DAY Armand, Judy and Albert peruse the magazines with Agador.
ARMAND Try to dress more conservatively. It’s important not to flaunt it in such a hyper-macho world. And don’t answer personal questions.
Albert picks up a Vogue with a super-thin model on the front.
ALBERT She’s starving herself. It’s not natural.
AGADOR
And we hate her.
ARMAND In fact, don’t speak. At all. If you can.
JUDY
Think of it as your own personal “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.
Albert brushes lint off Agador’s shoulder and adjusts his collar.
ALBERT All my life I’ve dreamed of being a star.
AGADOR
Miss Albert, you are a star.
ALBERT But to be famous on the national stage... I so wish I could be there with you. To make sure you don’t make the mistakes I made. That you relish your good fortune. But Armand needs me at the Birdcage...
ARMAND
That’s me. The old ball and chain.
ALBERT So go. Go live my dream for me.
AGADOR
Okay.
ARMAND You will be careful out there, won’t you? We only have one Agador.
18
Agador nods. The final call comes and he SHRIEKS®. Like an excitable
girl, he grabs one then another magazine, goes for the line, has second thoughts, then grabs the Italian Cosmo. Armand holds Albert’s arm consolingly as Albert flutters his kerchief at Judy and Agador as they run for the gate. INT. AIRPLANE – IN FLIGHT - NIGHT Agador wipes at his eyes and blows his nose.
AGADOR He was lying in his bed, in terrible pain. And then he died. But it didn’t matter because the Gip’s spirit lived on. The football player is a noble creature.
JUDY
That movie is fifty years old. This will give you a good picture of what the sport looks like today.
She hands him Sports Illustrated. He leafs through.
AGADOR How does Oscar feel about you leaving Miami?
JUDY
Oscar? Pfff. We’re history. I just don’t learn. It’s like I’m attracted to the same man over and over. Smart. Ambitious. Creative. Sensitive. Gay.
AGADOR
I know, I know. Me, too. He stops leafing the mag at A PHOTO OF THERON HOWARD, in wrap-around shades, open-collar black silk shirt and rapper gold jewelry. INT. TEXAS STADIUM - SIDELINES – DAY Coach Johnson is surprised to see Agador arrive WEARING THE EXACT SAME OUTFIT AS IN THERON HOWARD’S PHOTO.
COACH JOHNSON This is Coach Luntz. He’ll be in charge of your orientation.
AGADOR
(strange deep voice) How do you do?
COACH LUNTZ shakes his hand, speechless at his garb and voice. The taciturn Coach Johnson walks off as Luntz leads Agador toward a building. CHEERLEADERS practice their moves on the field. Agador is spellbound. Luntz notices Agador’s gaze and smiles, relaxing.
19
LUNTZ Best job in the world, huh?
AGADOR
(nods, mumbles) Where do they get that Spandex?
ON THE FIELD, THE CHEERLEADERS nudge each other, checking out the new Cowboy. THE TALL, REDHEAD CINDY, LIKES WHAT SHE SEES.
LUNTZ You obviously work out. You’re not big, but you’re toned.
AGADOR
(blushing) Thank you. You’re not so bad yourself.
INT. WEIGHT ROOM – DAY Luntz leads Agador in. PLAYERS are in T-shirts or barechested.
PLAYER (to LIFT PARTNER)
One more rep! One more! Don’t be a pussy!
LUNTZ This is our new kicker.
Agador can’t take his eyes off all those rippling muscles. The PLAYER and his LIFT PARTNER grunt out greetings. Agador lets out a grunt of his own. Then he notices two players bickering in the free-weights area. TASHJIAN and linebacker PATRICK O’LEARY.
PATRICK ... You’re always so fucking paranoid. It’s always some “ulterior” motive, some conspiracy in the shadows
TASHJIAN
You have to be an idiot to be so naïve. Everyone knows New Coke was just a marketing gimmick to arouse sympathy for Classic Coke.
Luntz tries to interrupt
THERON Man, you talking ‘bout naïve, muthafuckah? You didn’t think Arizona could switch to a three-four and have that out route covered.
TASHJIAN
So, what, now you’re saying we lost to Arizona because of me?
Face to face, testosterone rising... Luntz clears his throat.
20
LUNTZ This is our new kicker. Agador Lorca.
That breaks the moment. Patrick drops his weights, THUD, THUD.
PATRICK Lorca, welcome to Dallas. Listen, after you get settled, we’ll go out with some of the guys, get drunk and get you laid.
Players around Patrick laugh. Agador laughs. They slap him on the back. He slaps them on the back. Agador and Luntz move on.
AGADOR That’s very nice of them.
LUNTZ
Yeah, well, football players, they’re all sunlight and roses.
AGADOR
Really? INT. PROJECTION ROOM – LATER The team watches game footage. THERON HOWARD FROM THE SPORTS ILLUSTRATED PHOTO SITS NEXT TO FRIEND PATRICK O’LEARY. Luntz leads Agador into the room as, on the TV, Theron artfully weaves and dodges would-be tacklers.
THERON That’s the shit. Without me you guys are nothing.
PATRICK
Yeah? Wait... here, watch On the screen, Theron is blindsided.
THERON & PATRICK Ohhhhhh.
DAVE LITTLE, WIDE RECEIVER, pipes up.
DAVE That’s the shit. What were you waiting for, a renegotiation on your contract?
PATRICK
He was waiting for you to stop dancing with Lewis and get open.
COACH JOHNSON
Stop the tape! ... What do I have to do to get you people to take this seriously?! We’re TWO AND FIVE!
(MORE)
21
COACH JOHNSON (Cont’d) (to Patrick)
O’Leary! Do you want to be a tackle on only the second Cowboys team to miss the playoffs since you were in kindergarten?! Do you?!
(to everyone) I don’t care how lazy, obnoxious and stupid you are by nature. I don’t want greatness. I expect it! THIS IS AMERICA’S TEAM!
Coach Johnson notices Agador.
COACH JOHNSON This, ladies, is our new star. Let’s help him acclimate. Lorca, park it anywhere.
PATRICK
(sotto, to Theron) What’s with his clothes?
THERON
It ain’t the clothes. It’s the man. The threads are fine.
COACH JOHNSON
Am I going to have to separate you two?! ... Here’s a little reminder of what we’re up against next week.
More video rolls. Green Bay hitting Dallas over and over. The Cowboys’ blood boils watching. Footage of their previous kicker Bentley comes on. Johnson motions to stop the tape.
COACH JOHNSON Green Bay in the winter. We’re Napoleon’s army. They’re the Russians
Behind him, the tape continues to roll. The players wince as Bentley is creamed as he kicks. You can almost hear his leg snap. AGADOR BLANCHES. Johnson looks back at the screen.
COACH JOHNSON I said stop the tape!
Freeze frame with the pile of steroid-enhanced gladiators piling off a motionless Bentley, his leg stuck at an impossible angle. The room is silent for a beat. Johnson turns to Agador.
COACH JOHNSON That hardly ever happens.
EXT. TASTELESS SUBURBAN HOME - DAY Agador and Judy walk around a cheesy plantation-style house, with oversized American flag and a liberty-bell shaped pool.
22
AGADOR
It’s perfect! EXT. DALLAS - DAY Views of Dallas. The skyline. The Trinity River. Agador, in tube top and tight jean cutoffs, flamenco dress slung over a shoulder, walks by the Massive Cattle Drive sculpture in Pioneer Park. He passes a white steeple Baptist church. Outside, there are white people in white dresses and white shirts. Any one of them could have killed Kennedy. He passes stone-faced old ladies and crew-cut owners of small businesses, who gape at this bizarre creature. He gives everyone a friendly wave, then enters THE “SWING YER PARTNER” DANCE STUDIO. INT. COWBOY’S EQUIPMENT ROOM - DAY It’s Monday morning. A COACH’S ASSISTANT is fitting Agador for equipment. Agador tries to adjust his shoulder pads.
LUNTZ Used to be football was all about touchdowns. Now it’s getting into range for field goals. We’ve had a hard time this year, so if you’re half as good as
He notices Agador struggling with the pads on his shoulders.
LUNTZ Uh... those are hip guards.
EXT. PLAYING FIELD – DAY – MONTAGE OF THE TEAM WORKING OUT: DOING PUSH-UPS. Agador’s in shape, but out of his league. He can’t stay in synch or keep up. AGADOR’S TURN TO THROW. He looks ridiculous as he pushes the ball forward. It spins head over heels for a yardage of five feet, far short of the INTENDED RECEIVER. PLAYERS JUMP THROUGH TIRES. Agador steps gingerly, causing a traffic jam. PATRICK AND THERON watch, and share a nervous look. EVERYONE JUMPING ROPE. At this, Agador is a master. He does the reverse loop, the double-Dutch, the backdoor and the one-foot hop. THERON AND PATRICK are joined by three other players, who all share a tense, knowing look, their suspicions heightened. AGADOR KICKS BALLS from 60 yards out, dropping them perfectly between the posts one after another. WATCHING THIS, THE PLAYERS ARE UNSURE.
23
INT. HALLWAY - DAY Patrick and Theron observe Agador, who’s down the hall, rearranging his gym bag contents. Cindy and another CHEERLEADER are with them.
CINDY You guys are so wrong.
CHEERLEADER
You think he's cute. Go see what kind of reaction you get.
Agador is walking down the hall. Theron nudges Cindy, who goes and brushes past Agador, offering him a good look at her ampleness. AGADOR FOCUSES ON HER NECKLACE: A CHAIN OF FALSE DIAMONDS. Agador turns to watch her go. She turns, giving him a come-hither look. He goes hither. The Cowboys watch, out of earshot. She stands, bosom thrust forward, trying to make an impression.
AGADOR Excuse me?
(Cindy smiles, he points) I love those. They’re amazing. Are they real?
CINDY
... What? Of course they’re real!
AGADOR I was thinking of getting something like them for a friend. Can I touch them?
(reaches out)
CINDY No! You Ughn! That is the most offensive God!
She storms off. Agador is dumbfounded. She comes back. PATRICK AND THERON WATCH AS SHE SLAPS HIM. INT. BARBERSHOP – DAY THE WALLS are covered with Cowboys memorabilia: flags, framed photos, a charity auction-bought jersey. Esteban is at the door signing for an envelope. Juan and Rigo approach as he opens it.
JUAN Madre mía! Cowboy Season tickets! That was his son who made those kicks!
RIGO
That’s just like you! Your own son on the Cowboys and not a word!
24
ESTEBAN Well... I... I didn’t want it to seem like I was bragging.
JUAN
You’ll be dead a week before you bother to let anyone know.
INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY A frustrated Tashjian is trying to jam his helmet into his overstuffed locker. Agador steps over to help. He rearranges.
AGADOR Your problem isn’t that you have too much stuff. You need to organize. Shoulder pads can hang. Here.
(puts in a milk crate) It seems like an extra thing, but it saves space. Street shoes on top, cleats on the bottom, so they don’t drip mud.
Tashjian’s frustration recedes. Agador shows him his own locker. It’s impeccable, with photos of Streisand, Midler and Mark McGwire. In the center, rose petals and a votive candle rest by a framed picture of Madonna. Tashjian raises an eyebrow.
AGADOR It’s the shrine of the Madonna.
Agador turns to see a player BARTHOLOMEW staring at him with a mean, ugly look in his eyes. Bartholomew sneers and walks off. ANOTHER ANGLE. Ten players are discussing Agador quietly.
PATRICK I’m telling you, he is.
PLAYER #1
No one who kicks like that can be a puff.
THERON Are you blind? Just look at him.
TOMMY a geeky white farm boy doesn’t understand.
TOMMY What are you guys talking about?
PLAYER #2
He’s a Nancy.
THERON A cake walker.
PATRICK
A log jammer.
25
Tommy still doesn’t get it.
PLAYER #1 Leviticus 18:22
Tommy reaches back into his locker for his Bible.
PLAYER #3 Why don’t we just ask him?
Tommy finds the passage and gasps.
PATRICK Right, go up to him and say “are you a homo?” What if he says yes? I don’t even want to think about it.
The locker room phone rings. Tommy goes over and grabs it.
TOMMY Hello?
INTERCUT WITH AGADOR’S FRIEND CECE IN MIAMI
CECE (very fem)
Hello? Is Agador there?
TOMMY Oh, uh, yeah... Lorca!
Tommy holds the phone as far away as he can as he passes it to Agador. Agador looks at Tommy quizzically as Tommy walks off. Into phone:
AGADOR ... Hey girlfriend!
CECE
I can’t believe you’re there surrounded by the Dallas Cowboys. What are they like? They look incredible on T.V.
Agador looks at the muscle fest around him.
AGADOR They are incredible.
A couple of players smile, feeling like they’ve just been complimented. And they have. ANGLE ON TOMMY as he returns to the other players.
TOMMY Everyone can relax. He’s talking to his girlfriend right now.
26
The troubled players just stare at him. ANGLE ON AGADOR as he hangs up. He pauses, indecisive, then dials.
ESTEBAN’S VOICE (ON MACHINE) This is Esteban. Leave a message.
AGADOR
It’s me again. My first game is coming up. I’m kind of nervous. I haven’t heard back from you, so...I thought I could stop by on Saturday. G’bye.
He hangs up, feeling glum. EXT. STADIUM PARKING LOT - DAY Players walk to their cars and get picked up by wives, kids, and girlfriends. WHEELS SCREECH AS A CAR NEARLY HITS PATRICK. HE POUNDS THE HOOD IN ANGER.
PATRICK You moron!
IT’S JUDY driving. She leaps out and runs to check the hood. He towers over her by a good two feet.
JUDY You idiot! You put a dent in my hood
PATRICK
The hell I did! You nearly killed me!
JUDY So that makes it okay. I almost do something to you, so you can retaliate, lash out in violence
PATRICK
That’s right! I wish the goddamn thing was dented!
JUDY
Of course. It doesn’t matter what it might mean to the other person, like if the last time she had a new car was with her family when she was seven and they went bankrupt and the car and everything else was taken away, and it ruined her father, I mean it literally killed him. Why should you care, right?
The wind goes out of Patrick’s sails.
PATRICK Is that true?
27
JUDY No. But the point is you don’t know, do you? You just act without thinking and the hell with the other guy. Well you’re going to pay for this ‘cause my deductible is five hundred dollars!
PATRICK
Do you even know who you’re talking to?
JUDY You’re Patrick O’Leary, an exceptional linebacker. Average twelve and a half sacks the past four years.
(Patrick smiles) But you’re no Lawrence Taylor. Certainly too slow for the Hall of Fame. Two, maybe three good years left. Then it’s war stories, a beer gut, bad knees and a job as a sportscaster for a small station in your hometown of...?
PATRICK
Wheeling, West Virginia.
JUDY Right. Here’s my card. I’m a sports agent. I’m starting an employment counseling program for players in your situation. Plus, there’s the address to send the check to after I bill you.
Amazed, he watches her as she angrily gets back into her car and drives around him. Theron is passing by.
THERON Who was that?
PATRICK
(reads the card) That was Judy a total bitch. I just hope she’s in heat ‘cause she’s got me straining at the leash. Mm. Mm. Mm.
With a smile, he puts her card carefully in his wallet. INT./EXT. JUDY’S CAR – AS AGADOR JUMPS IN, JUDY PULLS OUT
JUDY Some roidal-rage-driven player put a dent in my hood.
AGADOR
No. Why?
28
JUDY Because he’s an ape. God, I was standing so close to him, I can still smell him on me.
She sniffs herself vaguely. Then again.
AGADOR How long were you talking with him?
JUDY
Gorillas don’t talk, they beat their breast.
AGADOR
They do that to attract a mate. I guess it works.
JUDY
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
AGADOR Look at you. You’re red in the face. You’re hyperventilating. Your blood is boiling for this man.
JUDY
What?! A car cuts her off. She hits the horn and flips the bird.
JUDY You son-of-a-bitch!
INT. AGADOR AND JUDY’S HOUSE – NIGHT Agador is suffering a fitful sleep. He mumbles:
AGADOR Bentley... no. Bentley, look out!
He wakes with a shudder. His gaze wanders to his leg, bent under his body in a weird position.
AGADOR AHHHHHH!
LIVING ROOM Judy is at the table working an adding machine. Agador comes in and paces. She doesn’t even look up.
JUDY We’ve got to milk this thing. You’re the Hershey’s sensation. A guy from the local Peppy’s Hamburger keeps calling, but I know we can do better.
29
AGADOR
I’m supposed to play in a football game Sunday. I’m not a football player. I can’t play football!
JUDY
That’s right. And you don’t have to. All you have to do is kick the ball.
AGADOR
All I have to do is kick the ball?! All I have to do is kick the ball?! Tell that to Bentley!
She sits him down and puts her arms around him.
JUDY Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to do anything. You made plenty of money from Hershey’s. You want to quit? Quit.
AGADOR
I can’t. It’s not the money... It’s my father.
JUDY
Your father the shaman in the jungles of Guatemala?
AGADOR
No, my father the barber in the suburbs of Brownsville. I exaggerated a little.
JUDY
And your mother the High Priestess?
AGADOR She was a maid. When she was young she was Guatemala City’s greatest flamenco dancer. She died when I was nine.
JUDY
But they were from Guatemala. So it wasn’t a complete, uh, a complete Your accent’s real.
AGADOR
My dad hasn’t spoken to me since high school.
He doesn’t have to spell out the reason.
JUDY Ouch.
30
AGADOR But he’s a very big Cowboys fan.
Ahh. So that’s it.
AGADOR I call. But he doesn’t call back.
JUDY
Aw, baby. Don’t tear yourself up. No matter what you do in life, you gotta do it from in here.
(touches his heart) You can’t look for acceptance from your father by playing on a football team.
AGADOR
It isn’t just a football team. It’s the Dallas Cowboys! AMERICA’S TEAM!
He storms into his room and slams the door.
JUDY Who’s Bentley?
INT. TEXAS STADIUM – SECURITY STATION – NEXT MORNING Esteban walks down a wide hallway to the security station.
ESTEBAN I’m looking for Agador Lorca. I’m his... I’m his father.
SECURITY GUARD
He’s not here yet. Hold on. (checks computer)
We have a location for him mornings... INT. “SWING YER PARTNER” REHEARSAL ROOM - DAY AGADOR IS DANCING, DRESSED TO THE NINES AS A DRAG FLAMENCO DIVA IN DRESS, MAKEUP AND WIG. He dances, putting his heart into it. DANCE STUDIO FRONT DOOR Esteban enters. The place is deserted. He looks into one room. Then another. He hears flamenco music and his face brightens. He turns a corner and SEES A DANCER FLASH ACROSS AN OPEN DOOR. He walks in as the music is reaching its climax. Agador spreads his arms and does a final stomp on the last beat. He looks up, straight at his dad. Silence. Agador gulps. But Esteban claps.
ESTEBAN Excuse me, but can you tell me where I might find Agador Lorca?
31
Agador takes a moment and considers this. Then he answers in a feminine voice with a Castilian accent. His lisp is perfect.
AGADOR Señor Agador, he is not here. Right now. At this time.
ESTEBAN
I see. Well, I will wait. Please, go on. (puts record back on)
Don’t be nervous. I was a flamenco coach for many years. Please.
Agador starts to dance, expecting with each turn and click of his heels that his father will recognize him. Esteban pulls the needle off the record. Agador stops, his heart in his throat.
ESTEBAN Your body it is more suited to the Cuban son style.
He finds a record among the pile by the record player and puts it on, then gets on stage with Agador to demonstrate.
ESTEBAN When you kick you must kick from both the thigh and the shin. The thigh is where the power is.
Agador tries it like his father. They dance side-by-side.
ESTEBAN The leg must come up more, the foot angled. You have very strong legs. That is good What’s that on your feet?
AGADOR
... Grease paint and quarters... It’s all the rage in Barcelona.
ESTEBAN
... I see. I am Esteban Lorca. (off Agador’s silence)
And you are?
AGADOR Princess Ithabella. From Catalan!
ESTEBAN
Ah. Then you must know the Contesa Josefina from Grenada? She used to visit my wife and I in Guatemala City.
AGADOR
Of course... She’s my aunt.
32
ESTEBAN That’s remarkable. The last time I saw the Contesa must be... before you were even born... Do you know Agador well?
(Agador shrugs) I would like to ask a favor. Will you give him a message for me? He should on no account come to the barbershop. He should not call. There is no reason to communicate. He will know what all this means. This would be a great help. Thank you. Good luck with your dancing, Princess. You have talent.
Esteban bows and leaves. Agador pauses a beat, then pulls off his wig and collapses into a chair, devastated. INT. STADIUM HALLWAY - DAY Agador hurries down a hall, STILL IN HIS RED DRESS AND HAIRNET, WIPING HIS EYES WITH A HANDKERCHIEF. INT. LOCKER ROOM – DAY Players stop and stare at Agador as he dashes toward his locker. He stops when he sees himself in a mirror. Only now does he realize he forgot to change. TEAMMATES SLOWLY COLLECT BEHIND HIM, STARING.
AGADOR It’s not what it looks like. I‘m not a transvestite in the traditional sense. I’m a performer.
(silence) A queer performer. Whose father hates him.
Crying, he runs into the bathroom. One player hands another a twenty. INT. PLAY STRATEGY ROOM - DAY Dave and Tashjian sit on one side. Opposite them are Patrick, Gibbons, Theron and the silent Bartholomew (looking mean and angry). Eight players sit in between, uncomfortable, but uncertain.
THERON I just don’t get it. How could somebody that kicks like him be gay?
PATRICK
I knew it. I knew it the whole time.
DAVE So that’s what you meant when you offered to get him laid?
PATRICK
Why don’t you shut the fuck up?
33
PLAYER Look, I don’t like it either, but I don’t see what we can do about it.
PATRICK
Get his ass off the team, that’s what.
TASHJIAN Look, there are a lot of people who are gay and you don’t know who they are. We live with them every day
GIBBONS
Who?
TASHJIAN That’s not the point
GIBBONS
No. I want to know who!
THERON You trying to tell us something, Tash?
TASHJIAN
No, not me, just, well, lots of people. Gibbons realizes he’s the only one in the room sitting in a seat right next to another player. He moves one seat over.
PATRICK Let’s tell Coach Johnson. Let him deal with it.
That gets enthusiastic nods from just about everybody.
TASHJIAN He’ll dump him for sure.
THERON
That’s right.
DAVE And we don’t make the playoffs. Is that what you guys want?
That gives the players pause.
DAVE We’ve got a game in two days. Who’s going to kick?
PATRICK
Come on, we all know that on the field this guy will fold up faster than a Chinese fan.
That clinches it; even the fence-sitters nod.
34
INT. LOCKER ROOM Agador is painfully aware that no one says a word to him as he walks through the locker room, now dressed in sweats. HIS LOCKER has been ripped open. His stuff is gone.
DAVE Gibbons felt strongly that you would feel more comfortable with your own private corner of the locker room.
Dave leads Agador to a locker where his stuff is on the floor. He helps Agador pick up, then leaves him to rearrange. A player sneaks up behind Agador, holding something behind his back. He looks around to make sure no one is watching. Agador spins around. THE PLAYER PULLS OUT TWO SHIRTS. He whispers.
PLAYER I’ve got a date tonight. Which one looks nicer to you?
AGADOR
With those Khakis and your coloring, definitely the key lime shirt.
The player gives him the thumbs up and sneaks off. INT. TITAN PETROLEUM HIGH-RISE – DAY An agitated Coach Johnson sits across owner Tom Pendegast’s desk in Pendegast’s office at Titan Petroleum.
TOM PENDEGAST I feel the same way you do, but Jesus we’ve got a game in 36 hours.
JOHNSON
Tom, what we’re talking about here, it’s bigger than you or me. The old morality is caving in on all sides. There’s never been a gay football player. We’re the last bastion, the bulwark against moral anarchy. Tom, our men are warriors. Bred to do the warrior thing. There’s no room for women on this ship... Do you know what this will do to us when word gets out?
TOM PENDEGAST
We’ll get rid of him before that happens... Chicago may be interested in trading Jeffries.
COACH JOHNSON
And we sideline him. There’s no way this guy’s going to perform under pressure.
35
TOM PENDEGAST
We don’t know that. We’ve got a lot invested in him. He plays.
COACH JOHNSON
Tom—
TOM PENDEGAST I don’t like it either, but we’ll just keep it quiet and then we’ll dump him.
INT. AGADOR AND JUDY’S - DAY Agador is eating a pint of ice cream with a spoon. Judy paces.
JUDY When we said “discreet” didn’t you think that meant not showing up in a dress?!
(grabs the spoon and pint and digs in)
This is such bad timing. If you’d already played... If... I can’t even imagine how we handle this anything can happen now
The doorbell rings. Judy and Agador look apprehensive. The door opens. IT’S ALBERT. He pauses to peck Agador and a slack-jawed Judy, then SWEEPS THROUGH, LOOKING AROUND, TALKING A MILE A MINUTE.
ALBERT I didn’t have time to call, I barely made it to the flight, I simply had to escape Miami, it was awful, you know my Lizzie Borden number? It was my finest performance, and at the fortieth whack someone coughed not a cough a tubercular hack, Armand refused to do anything, his “hands are tied” because he’s all business, well I just couldn’t stand those rubes any longer and I realized what I needed was a sabbatical, plus I think some time away from his little summer squash will do wonders for Armand’s attitude Over here boys!
MOVERS BRING IN BAG AFTER BAG OF OVERSTUFFED LUGGAGE.
ALBERT Judy, honey, I’ll need this bedroom because it’s away from the street and I’m a light sleeper. But the main thing is I’m here to help my little Agador.
(takes his hand) We’re going all the way. Together.
JUDY
Tell me this isn’t happening.
36
AGADOR
I’m so glad you’re here. Albert notices the ice cream pint and the spoons in their hands.
ALBERT What is it? What’s wrong?
AGADOR
I wore a dress to practice and I have a game tomorrow and we don’t know what to do.
JUDY
I don’t think Albert’s the one to (phone rings)
Hello... Yes, he’s here... Armand.
ALBERT (takes phone)
Did you call Cassandra? INTERCUT WITH THE BIRDCAGE Armand is at the curtain, on the stage phone. People are running frantically back and forth, tossing props, grabbing costumes.
ARMAND Cassandra?! Cassandra’s worthless! She lost her arm in that kiln accident!
ALBERT
Oh, that’s right.
ARMAND I didn’t even see your note until two hours ago! I have no time to prepare!
A runner trips, tossing a mannequin head, which hits Armand.
ALBERT Then you shouldn’t be wasting time on the phone with me.
Albert hangs up and then takes the phone off the hook.
JUDY Albert. This is just not the best time for you to be here.
ALBERT
Posh. You want to know what to do, I’ll tell you. The show must go on. And never, never let them see you sweat.
Judy and Agador share a look. He’s right. The movers drag in two more suitcases.
37
INT. TEXAS STADIUM – GAME DAY Excited, expectant fans trickle in and take their seats. INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY Agador is the first one here, doing leg stretches and kicking a phantom football. Players arrive and gear up. Coach Johnson passes Agador, shaking his head doubtfully. A player walks up, looking around to make sure no one is listening.
PLAYER #1 Agador, I want you to know I’m glad to have you around.
(sotto) I’m gay, but I never had the guts to tell the team.
Agador smiles. Player #1 leaves. Agador puts his shoulder pads on. Dave walks up.
DAVE I think it’s terrible what the other guys did.
(starts off, stops) No. It’s not just that. Agador. I’m gay. And I’ve decided I’m coming out.
A player sitting further down the bench heard. He turns.
PLAYER #2 Hey, the truth is so am I. I’m gay. Fuck it, I feel better already.
PATRICK AND THERON COME AROUND THE AISLE WEARING NOTHING BUT THEIR TOWELS. Patrick puts his arm around Theron.
PATRICK The truth is, we’re a couple.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. AGADOR’S BEDROOM - MORNING Agador is in bed, alarm blaring, Judy shaking him. EYE’S SHUT, BIG SMILE ON HIS FACE, HE JUST DOESN’T WANT TO LEAVE THAT DREAM. EXT. STADIUM - PLAYER’S ENTRANCE - MORNING Judy and Albert escort Agador to the entrance, Albert carrying Agador’s Wizard of Oz lunch box. He tries to go in with Agador.
GUARD Sorry, players only. No family.
38
ALBERT I’m closer than family.
(Guard stands firm) He needs me backstage. It’s his first performance and he’s an absolute wreck.
JUDY
Come on, we’ll watch from the stands like everyone else.
ALBERT
Like everyone else?
AGADOR Wish me luck.
(they do) Cross your fingers.
(they do) Knock on wood.
(there isn’t any) Rub this rabbit’s foot.
JUDY
Go, go! Agador kisses Albert and Judy and runs in. Judy walks away. Albert still has Agador’s lunch box. He goes to call out, but it’s too late. HE STANDS THERE A MOMENT ALONE, LOOKING LOST. INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY Players gear up, taping ankles, putting on shoes, pads and helmets. Player after player adds the final touch: smearing black grease under their eyes. Agador applies the grease carefully at a mirror. It’s still not right. He pulls out a makeup brush and touches up, making two perfect, neat rectangles. He pauses, then applies a touch to his lashes. Then he sees BARTHOLOMEW staring at him with a mean, ugly sneer.
CUT TO: The players gather around Coach Johnson and bow their heads.
COACH JOHNSON Tommy, lead us in prayer.
TOMMY
Lord, we humbly beseech you to watch over us, to see us through this game with no injuries. And if You desire it one step closer to the playoffs.
Everyone has become aware of someone mumbling louder and louder.
39
COACH JOHNSON Hey! We’re trying to pray here
It’s Agador, on bended knee, mumbling Spanish prayers over rosaries. Finally, he crosses himself and sighs. He’s ready. INT. TEXAS STADIUM – DAY As the Cowboys take the field against the Green Bay Packers, Agador looks to the family section and smiles when he sees Judy and Albert. He looks to three front row seats. They’re empty. He’s disappointed. IN THE NOSEBLEED SECTION OF THE STANDS, Esteban leads Juan and Rigo to their new seats.
JUAN I thought they were front row seats.
ESTEBAN
Just watch the game. Rigo looks at the field, which seems miles away.
RIGO How?
CUT TO:
The Cowboys have the ball. Boomer describes the action:
BOOMER ESSAISON (OC) Handoff to Wilson... Tackled. A gain of three, but short of a first down, which brings up a forth and seven for the Cowboys at the Packers 35.
AT THE COWBOYS BENCH, the Offense comes off the field. Agador watches as their fellow players offer words of encouragement and pat them on the butt! As a player comes by, Agador pats him on the butt. The guy tosses him a nervous glance, but Agador is already patting a couple more butts as they come by. What a wonderful custom!
AGADOR Good job Lester! Way to go Munson!
IN THE NOSEBLEED SECTION OF THE STANDS, Esteban is watching Agador through a pair of binoculars. He puts his head in his hands.
RIGO Do you see him? Can I see?
He reaches for the binoculars, but Esteban pulls them away.
40
ON THE SIDELINES, Agador pats Patrick’s butt as he goes by. Patrick whirls, furious, apoplectic But the Coach steps up.
COACH JOHNSON LORCA! What the hell are you waiting for?! An invitation?!
AGADOR
Where are we going? The Coach points to the field. Agador looks. His teammates are waiting for him. So is the other team. SO IS THE ENTIRE STADIUM.
AL MICHAELS (OC) The question on everyone’s mind is “is the Hershey’s Howitzer for real?”
BOOMER (OC)
He’s the first barefoot pro kicker since the great Tony Franklin. The Cowboys must be hoping he can fill those shoes.
Agador gets into position and takes a good long look at that HUGE DEFENSIVE LINE. IN SLOW MOTION, THESE MEN WHO’S JOB IT IS TO SNAP HIM IN HALF AND THINK NOTHING OF IT SET UP. THERON, the ball holder, looks back at Agador for the nod. A petrified Agador shakes his head. All his teammates look back at him. C’mon. Agador shakes no again. ALBERT AND JUDY are on pins and needles. PRESS BOX
BOOMER ESSAISON Looks like opening night jitters, Al.
AL MICHAELS
It’s a long, long way to those posts. ON THE FIELD, BAAHN the buzzer rings. The REF throws a flag.
REF (SIMULTANEOUSLY OVER PA) Delay of game. Five yards.
The Cowboys walk back, everyone glaring at Agador. The REF places the ball on the 40-yard line. ON THE SIDELINES, COACH JOHNSON is shaking his head. ON THE FIELD, THERON looks to Agador for the OK. AGADOR is frozen, wide-eyed. Theron decides to just call it.
THERON Thirty-one. Twenty-two. Hut. Hut.
41
The ball is snapped, Theron places it, Agador runs. THE DEFENSIVE LINE HITS THE OFFENSE HARD. Agador kicks. The ball flies. Up... up... down... AND THROUGH THE POSTS. THE COWBOY FANS CHEER. JUDY AND ALBERT CHEER. Agador is delighted. ON THE SIDELINES, the Cowboys shake their heads in wonder. Patrick glances at Dave who’s smiling AS HE FANS HIMSELF WITH A PAPER FOLDED LIKE A CHINESE FAN. ALBERT notices the Dallas Cowgirls cheering. In particular, their THIRTYISH WOMAN DIRECTOR. He jumps up and waves his arms.
ALBERT Annie! Annie Muskopf!! Annie!
(Annie can’t hear) I can’t believe it! We were on Broadway together in the chorus of Mame! I taught her to Can Can! She was my biggest fan. I have to say hello.
JUDY
Albert, you’re not allowed on the field But he’s gone. Judy watches Albert trot down the steps to the gate. A GUARD stops him. Judy shakes her head, but Annie sees him, rushes over and ushers him through amidst hugs and kisses. MONTAGE OF SHOTS TRACKING THE GAME AS THE COWBOYS PERFORM POORLY: The quarterback throws an interception; They miss an easy fumble; The offense allows a sack; As Players exit the field, fingers are stuck in chests and insults tossed, spreading blame.
BOOMER (OC) There’s a heck of a lot of talent on the Cowboys. But they just can’t get it together as a team.
AL MICHAELS (OC)
They aren’t playing with each other. They’re playing against each other.
CUT TO:
Agador sets up for another kick, watching THE PACKERS LINE SET UP. He swallows his fear, kicks... and... It’s good! THE CROWDS CHEER!
CUT TO: The Cowboys muff a short pass and toss more mutual recriminations. It‘s up to Agador again. He sets up. The SCOREBOARD READS: COWBOYS: 13. PACKERS: 13. 4th Quarter. The crowds watch, expectant. The snap. Crunching and grunting, the Cowboys hold the line as Agador kicks.
42
AL MICHAELS Right down the middle... it’s good!
BOOMER ESSAISON
With just twenty seconds left, Dallas pulls ahead by three! They should send a thank-you note to the Packers for playing even worse than they did! And to their new kicker, Agador Lorca!
AGADOR basks in the CROWD’S ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE as he walks off. Until he looks to the still empty seats he gave his father. IN THE STANDS, Juan and Rigo are yelling and cheering.
JUAN So when are we going to meet your son?
ESTEBAN
He’s very busy right now. ON THE FIELD, game over, the victorious Cowboys are walking off.
LUNTZ He’s got an incredible natural talent.
COACH JOHNSON
One game doesn’t make a career. AT THE RAILING, Judy looks for Albert. She spots him ON THE FIELD WITH THE CHEERLEADERS, IN A TEAM JACKET AND CARRYING POM-POMS. Albert waves a security guard aside to allow Judy onto the field.
ALBERT Judy, this is Annie!
ANNIE
Hi. I still can’t believe it. Albert was the greatest teacher I ever had. We all looked up to him.
(to Albert) Whatever happened to you. We all thought you were going to be a big star?
This stings Albert. Judy tries to distract him.
JUDY Looks like you’re having fun.
ALBERT
(recovers) Fun? Annie’s hired me as the Cowgirls assistant director!
JUDY
Tell me you’re joking.
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ALBERT Now I can keep an eye on our Agador. Gimme an A! Gimme a G! Gimme a D-O-R!
EXT. COWBOYS PRACTICE FIELD - SIDELINES - DAY The Cheerleaders finish a cheer.
ALBERT Remember; the pom-pom is a symbol of your joyful wish that the fans be... fans be... that they be...
CHEERLEADER
On our side?
ALBERT Yes!
(borrows pom-poms) Push out the joy. Bring in the love. Joy. Love. Joy. Love.
Albert spots Agador and the Cowboys coming out to practice. ANGLE ON the players lining up for a scrimmage designed for Agador’s edification. Johnson seems barely tolerant of Agador’s existence.
COACH JOHNSON It’s a contingency. Theron will fumble. You grab it and run your ass across the goal line.
The ball is hiked. Theron fumbles. Agador grabs the ball. TWO RUSHERS COME AT HIM. HE PANICS AND DOES A BAREFOOT DROP KICK.
PATRICK Stop! What the hell are you ?
Everyone watches, amazed, as the ball sails through the goal posts. Johnson walks further down field, away from the goal posts and signals everyone to huddle around him.
COACH JOHNSON You can kick. We got that. But I want you to run. Just
ALBERT PUSHES INTO THE CENTER OF THE CIRCLE.
ALBERT Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me.
(hands Agador his Wizard of Oz lunch box)
I’m going to have to clip it to your shirt sleeve next time.
(to all) I put in an extra banana if anyone wants one.
44
COACH JOHNSON
Who the hell are you?!
ALBERT Oh! How rude of me. I’m Albert, the new Spirit Choreographer. Hi... Hi...
He grabs player after player’s hand. In shock, they let him. He reaches Gibbons, who doesn’t shake; he just stares at him.
ALBERT My, but you’re a big one. I don’t mean to be a busybody, but you might have a gland problem. I had a German girlfriend, Frauline Von Trotta, she became positively enormous. Had to have the doors of her house widened. Can you imagine? Though, between you and me, she was quite an eater. If I had a dollar for every cherry Strudel she wolfed down after a Beef Roladen
COACH JOHNSON
Off! Get off my field! Coach Luntz escorts Albert off the field.
ALBERT Of course, I didn’t mean to interrupt.
(returning for lunchbox) I’ll hold this for you, dear.
PATRICK
(to Agador) What, do all you guys know each other?
The Offense and Defense line up. Albert stands by Luntz.
COACH LUNTZ (USING MEGAPHONE) BILOXI, POSITION.
Tommy shifts left. Albert borrows the megaphone.
ALBERT (USING MEGAPHONE) AGADOR, POSTURE.
Agador stands up straight. Everyone stares at Albert. He locks his lips and throws away the key. The ball is hiked. Theron fumbles. Tackles approach Agador and... he drop kicks again.
COACH JOHNSON NO! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO
It goes all the way down the field. And in. Their jaws drop.
THERON A sixty-five yard drop kick...?
45
ALBERT
(clapping wildly) Bravo! Bravo! Encore!
COACH JOHNSON
Lorca! This is a simple task! RUN WITH THE BALL.
ALBERT is talking conspiratorially with Luntz.
ALBERT Not only doesn’t he listen, he’s lazy. You have to stay on top of him constantly. You just have to yell at him; it’s the only way.
Luntz is nodding. Johnson points at Agador’s face.
JOHNSON Your problem, Lorca, is you’re afraid. Well it’s time you broke your cherry.
(Agador blinks) You have to get used to being tackled!
Ah, now Agador gets it. Players take up positions. Coach Johnson pulls a few aside.
COACH JOHNSON Defenders, just let the tackles by. Tackles, you hit him. Hard... OKAY, LET’S DO IT!
The tackles set their sights on Agador. Johnson smiles.
THERON Twenty-one. Thirteen. Five. Hut
ALBERT
Cut! Cut! Players stumble in mid-motion AS ALBERT RUSHES ONTO THE FIELD AND BENDS DOWN TO TIE THERON’S SHOELACES.
ALBERT Okay!
COACH JOHNSON
What the ?! GET OFF MY FIELD! GO TO YOUR CHEERLEADERS AND DON’T COME BACK!
ALBERT
(passing Luntz) He seems like a very tense man. Has he given any thought to Saint John’s Wort?
CUT TO:
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THE MOMENT OF TRUTH. Agador is tense as the ball is snapped. Agador grabs the fumble and runs. He’s fast. So fast maybe he’ll score! But his blockers fall away to reveal THE LINE OF TACKLES. Agador does an about face. Everyone shouts at him to go the other way. Defenders, Assistant Coaches, even equipment handlers join the chase. He zigzags to avoid them, running off the field.
COACH JOHNSON Just get him!
Agador runs to the gate, but Johnson blocks him. Agador turns. Too late. Boom boom boom. 2500 pounds of angry muscle descend on him. They lay on him, not injured, just exhausted. Albert runs up. He pushes and pulls at them fruitlessly.
ALBERT You horrible, horrible creatures! Get off! My poor Agador! Are you in there?
They pile off. As the last player rises we see poor Agador. HE’S GOT A BIG SMILE ON HIS FACE. INT. ESTEBAN’S HOUSE – NIGHT Esteban is sitting in a Lay-Z-Boy watching “Up Close” on ESPN.
HOST ROY FIRESTONE From the Hershey’s field goal to starting kicker for America’s team
Esteban hits the remote. It’s the Evening News.
ANCHOR The Cowboys new kicker got off to a great start with three field goals
Again with the remote. “I Love Lucy” pops on. Esteban laughs as Lucy gets her head stuck between two fence posts. The show cuts to commercial: A black Ford Bronco drives through a strange, amorphous landscape. The picture cuts to the field of Texas Stadium, where players and fans turn their heads to look at an inexplicable sight: the Bronco appearing on the field as if from nowhere. AGADOR STEPS OUT.
AGADOR (ON TV) When you come out of nowhere, it helps to have equipment you can count on.
Agador kicks with his bare foot. All heads in the stadium turn to watch as the football goes through the goal posts.
47
NARRATOR (ON TV) Ford. Equipment you can count on.
Esteban can’t believe it. He remotes off the TV. The phone rings.
ESTEBAN Hello?... Yes, I recognize your voice Princess.
INTERCUT WITH AGADOR IN HIS BEDROOM, pacing back and forth.
AGADOR I’m sorry to bother you at home, Señor Lorca, but I have a favor to ask. I would like you to be my dancing coach. I can pay you handsomely
ESTEBAN
No, I’m sorry, I can’t do that anymore
AGADOR Don’t be silly. I talked to my aunt. She says you coached the great Catrina.
ESTEBAN Your aunt? I thought she’d passed away.
AGADOR
... no, her sister.
ESTEBAN I thought she passed away too.
AGADOR
Yes, of course. But she still talks to me. It’s a gift. I can’t explain it.
ESTEBAN
... It’s been so many years. I’m out of practice
AGADOR
I saw in the few moments you spent with me how talented you are. A master does not simply forget his genius.
ESTEBAN
Well, I mean of course I could try. INT. DANCE STUDIO - DAY Music wails as Agador stomps to the beat. Esteban stops the music.
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ESTEBAN You must dance like you are the most beautiful, the most desirable woman in the world! When you stomp the stage, you are stomping on the desires of men to have you. But not so hard that they lose hope. Again!
Esteban puts the needle toward the end of the song. Agador dances.
ESTEBAN Yes... Yes... Con gusto!
(music ends) Princess, this grease paint and quarters, it may be “the rage” in Barcelona but Flamenco is built on centuries of tradition. Please tell me you’ll start wearing heels.
He flips through his own records, the dusty jackets bringing back memories. “Música Por Rodrigo” catches his attention.
ESTEBAN This one Rodrigo signed for my wife Catrina at the Hotel Continental Bel Âge room in 1958. She was so young. As beautiful as a Botticelli.
He puts the record on. But he does not instruct Agador to dance. He just shuts his eyes sadly as the memories run through him.
AGADOR You loved her very much.
ESTEBAN
Tell me about yourself. Are you married? (Agador shakes his head)
I know someone perfect for you. Antonio. He’s a fine young man from a respectable Mexican family. And quite handsome.
AGADOR
Really? (thinks better of it)
Thank you, but... the truth is I’m secretly engaged. To a public figure. I can't say who exactly
(sotto) But I can see this. 70 home runs.
ESTEBAN
... Mark McGwire? But... isn’t he married?
AGADOR She doesn’t understand him.
49
INT. JUDY AND AGADOR’S HOUSE - DAY Albert holds two pom poms, going through some simple cheerleading moves. Agador stands on a box in a red dress WOBBLING ON HIS NEW FLAMENCO HIGH HEELS. Judy is on her knees hemming.
ALBERT I’m going to be the best cheerleader A.D. ever! And the better I am, the better it will be for you. I’ll be content just to share the moment from the sidelines.
Judy rolls her eyes. She grabs Agador’s legs.
JUDY Hold still! Why don’t you just take the heels off?
AGADOR
I can’t. I have to get used to them. Judy notices a pile of knitted patches nearby and picks one up.
AGADOR That’s the Spanish Royal Coat of Arms. I need one patch on every dress.
JUDY
This is it for me. If you’re going to indulge in this insanity, you’ll have to scour Dallas for a willing tailor.
ALBERT
He is not indulging. He can’t wear the same thing all the time. His father is a gentleman.
JUDY
Of course, and he would expect nothing less for his son than to have the finest Couture dresses.
AT THE OPEN FRONT DOOR, NEIGHBORS MARGE AND ED knock, a cake in Marge’s hand, a football in Ed’s.
MARGE Hellooo!
JUDY (OC)
Hello? Marge and Ed, upbeat, come walking in.
MARGE Hi! I’m Marge this is Ed, we’re from across the street
50
Seeing Agador, Marge and Ed stop dead.
AGADOR Oh how nice! A cake!
(stumbles over to them) Apple Bundt! How scrumptious! I’m Agador. This is Judy. That’s Albert.
ALBERT
Are you the couple who live in that wonderful Tudor with the lawn jockey?
Marge and Ed are speechless. The phone rings. Judy answers it.
JUDY Hello?
(listens) Oh hi... Yeah, I remember you... You do. You’d like that? I, uh... Hold on a sec.
AGADOR It’s so nice of you to come by like this.
MARGE
... Well, uh, Ed’s a big fan... He... uh, has a football for you to sign.
Agador reaches for it. Ed, in shock, won’t let go. They pull back and forth until Marge nudges him. He releases it.
JUDY Agador! It’s that football player. Patrick O’Leary! He’s asking me out!
AGADOR
Tell him yes. (rolls eyes to them)
I keep telling her sometimes you’ve just got to go with your hormones.
MARGE
How... true. Agador signs the football and hands it back to Ed.
ED What’s with the dress?
MADONNA PARROT
Like a Virgin! Like a Virgin!
MARGE Ed, let’s
AGADOR
You like it? He spins around for Ed. Marge takes Ed by the hand.
MARGE Well, G’bye. Say Goodbye, Ed.
51
Ed just stares as Marge pulls him out. Judy hangs up.
AGADOR I like them.
Albert shrugs.
JUDY Why do I listen to you?! I can’t believe this. He called me “baby.”
(imitates his voice) “See ya baby” Do you know what that says about how he sees me?!
AGADOR
He thinks you’re a babe.
JUDY No, it says Really? Is that what that means? No it doesn’t.
AGADOR
Of course. You think he wants to feed you Gerbers or something? I don’t think so, honey.
ALBERT
Is Patrick the one with the eyelashes?
AGADOR That’s Powell.
JUDY
I hate this. I’m getting excited about some Neanderthal that runs around a big enclosure chasing a pigskin.
INT. TEXAS STADIUM - DAY A New England Patriot drops a handoff IT’S A LOOSE PIGSKIN! Players run around the field chasing it. Gibbons grabs it and runs into the end zone for a touchdown. Patriots: 7 Cowboys: 16. PRESS BOX
AL MICHAELS New England is giving this game to the Cowboys! And the way the Cowboys are playing, they don’t deserve it.
CUT TO:
A New England receiver makes a catch RIGHT NEXT TO WHERE ALBERT IS STANDING, but lands out of bounds.
REF Out of bounds!
52
ALBERT No he wasn’t.
REF
Yes, he was.
ALBERT I know, but they’re so far behind, the poor dears...
AT THE COWBOYS BENCH, Offensive players go to pat the butts of the Defense as they come off the field, BUT THEN STOP THEMSELVES AS THEY GLANCE NERVOUSLY AT AGADOR.
CUT TO: THE QUARTERBACK throws a short pass right to WILSON, BUT HE DROPS THE BALL. INCOMPLETE. THE CROWD GROANS. As the Offense comes off the field, Agador watches as AN ANGRY PLAYER confronts Wilson.
ANGRY PLAYER You had it man! It was a first down !
AGADOR
Phelps, you’re not mad because he dropped the ball.
PHELPS (ANGRY PLAYER)
What?!
AGADOR You’re mad at Wilson because you have an issue with Wilson. You feel he doesn’t put the proper value on your contribution to the team.
Phelps just stares at Agador.
AGADOR But that’s not the way it is at all. I heard Wilson tell Dave that you’re the best... whatever you are... he’s ever played with.
BOTH PLAYERS LOOK AT AGADOR LIKE HE’S FROM ANOTHER PLANET, then walk off in different directions.
CUT TO: The Cowboys quarterback, in trouble dodging defensive tackles, launches a Hail Mary. The ball finds Tommy, who sidesteps two Patriots for the TOUCHDOWN. The Fans roar! Tommy does a dance. IN THE PRESS BOX, John Madden and Pat Summerall are excited.
MADDEN Talk about lucky! He’s pretty happy.
53
SUMMERALL
It sort of looks that way ? Woa, what’s gotten into the Cowboys?
ON THE FIELD, the Cowboys are running up to Tommy to hug him, but stop themselves and shake his hand instead.
MADDEN It looks like they thought that touchdown was rather cricket of Biloxi.
SUMMERALL
I dare say they did. And it was rather good show of him, too.
The Cowgirls do a cheer from their usual repertoire as Albert scans the Cowboys bench, tense.
BOOMER ESSAISON (OC) Here’s the one Cowboy who’s truly earning today. Agador Lorca, taking the field for the extra point. In his first two games he was seven for seven on field goal attempts, leading the Cowboys to both wins.
ON THE BENCH, Patrick and Theron watch as Agador kicks the extra point AND THE CROWD CHEERS HIM. ALBERT SPRINGS INTO ACTION, gesturing dramatically to the Cowgirls, who quickly form two circles, one inside the other. ALBERT CONDUCTS THE PEP BAND, WHICH STRIKES UP ABBA’S TAKE A CHANCE ON ME AS THE COWGIRLS’ CIRCLES ROTATE IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS, BENDING BACKWARDS WITH OPPOSITE COLORED CARDS IN A PERFECT BUSBY BERKELYESQUE ROUTINE. THE CENTER CIRCLE BOWS FORWARD TURNING THEIR CARDS TO REVEAL A GIANT ROTATING PORTRAIT OF AGADOR, WHILE THE OUTER CIRCLE WAVES THEIR POM-POMS AND KICKS IN UNISON. Everyone looks on, stunned. Coach Johnson, Patrick, Theron and Gibbons look at each other. What the fuck? ALBERT IS PLEASED AS FANS RESPOND WITH MORE CHEERING FOR AGADOR. As Agador comes off the field he bows to the fans spontaneously, like a matador AND THEY CHEER EVEN MORE. INT. STADIUM – EDGE OF THE FIELD, BY THE STANDS - DAY Game over, a group of autograph hounds hold things out for Agador, who’s signing a program. Albert shakes his head disapprovingly.
ALBERT You don’t just sign them. Say something. Personalize it. Here.
(takes program) What’s your name honey?
54
WOMAN Irene.
Albert nods and thinks. Irene and the others look at Albert. Who does he think he is? Albert smiles and scribbles.
ALBERT “Never say goodnight Irene, I’ll see you at the next game!” There.
He has Agador sign the program. Woman 2 hands Agador a jersey.
AGADOR What’s your name?
WOMAN 2
Ragna. Agador is at a loss. Albert sighs and grabs the jersey. He writes “Your eyes are as beautiful as Aphrodite’s.”
RAGNA (WOMAN 2) Oh my. Thank you!
Albert smiles. WITH A FLOURISH HE SIGNS IT “AGADOR.” He hands it over AND IMMEDIATELY THREE PEOPLE HAND HIM SOMETHING TO SIGN. INT. LOCKER ROOM - LATER Agador watches as the tired players stare at their feet and the Coach rips into them.
COACH JOHNSON You lucky bastards. I haven’t seen a sorrier bunch of athletes since the Special Olympics! Maybe I should ask the commissioner if you cripples can play in wheelchairs and crutches next time! But that wouldn’t help the brain damage, would it? Biloxi! Do we need to give you remedial math, Biloxi?! Do we?!
TOMMY
No, Coach.
COACH JOHNSON Then tell us how many games we have to lose before we’re out of the playoffs.
TOMMY
Two, Coach.
COACH JOHNSON For the rest of you gifted intellectuals that’s one more than one!
Everyone avoids the Coach’s glare. A beat, then Agador stands.
55
AGADOR I think what the players are feeling is that while they very much feel your frustration and anger, they are having trouble seeing what exactly you want them to improve.
The Coach’s face turns red. He starts to shake. Patrick smirks, awaiting the inevitable. The Coach gets in Agador’s face.
COACH JOHNSON LISTEN YOU CANDY-ASSED WET-BACK FREAK-OF-NATURE! I DON’T NEED YOU TO TELL ME HOW TO COACH!
AGADOR
(taken aback) How can you be talking to me like this? You don’t even know me. If you have something to say to me, come back when you are calmed down.
Agador walks away. Veins popping out on his forehead, the Coach rushes Agador, but Dave and a couple of players restrain him. He pulls free and leaves the room. Two sullen players watch him go.
PLAYER #1 What the hell does he think? We don’t want to win?
PLAYER #2
The Super Bowl is in Texas Stadium this year. We should be there.
LATER The Cowboys change into street clothes. Agador is looking through the dresses in his locker, but can’t decide. The SHIRT ADVICE SEEKING PLAYER from earlier walks by. He points to the blue one. Agador nods. That is a nice dress. Agador pulls it out. PATRICK, seeing this, SLAMS HIS LOCKER. THE SHIRT ADVICE SEEKING PLAYER reacts to the peer pressure and moves on. EXT. NEPALESE VILLAGE AT THE FOOT OF HIMALAYAS – DAY Armand and Albert’s son VAL, and Val’s wife BARBARA, are just coming down out of the mountains. They kick snow off their shoes. Barbara’s jaw drops, drawing Val’s attention to: A TEN-FOOT TALL BILLBOARD AD FOR A NEPALESE MAGAZINE, WITH AGADOR ON THE COVER IN HIS COWBOYS UNIFORM.
BARBARA Val. How long were we up there?
56
INT. “SWING YER PARTNER” DANCE STUDIO - DAY Agador is in a GREEN DRESS. Esteban demonstrates a soft shoe step for Agador. Agador, IN HEELS, repeats it, trips, and careens into the record player. INT. TALK SHOW DRESSING ROOM - DAY A MAKE-UP ARTIST is prepping Agador. Albert harrumphs.
AGADOR What?
The Make-up Artist glares at Albert who hands Agador a compact. A nervous Agador grabs the puff pad from her and applies more. ALBERT GRABS IT FROM AGADOR AND APPLIES EVEN MORE.
MAKE-UP ARTIST Tony!
The Producer. Approaching with Judy.
JUDY Albert, what are you doing here?!
ALBERT
Making sure he looks his best.
PRODUCER (to Agador)
Tony Lowe, hi. I want to prep you with a few of the questions before
The producer pauses when he sees Agador staring goo-goo-eyed at a HANDSOME TECH fiddling with his mic. Judy nudges Agador.
PRODUCER (reading from notes)
Uh... We’ll lead in with the business about your name. Then we’ll ask if you’ve got what it takes to make it in pro ball over the long haul
ALBERT
Of course he does! I mean just look at him. He’s wonderful. Any mother’s dream.
Judy yanks Albert away.
JUDY Two choices. Stay back behind the cameras and crew or leave. This is not about you. This is about Agador.
57
INT. ROSIE O’DONNELL SHOW - DAY
ROSIE O’DONNELL My next guest we watched go from the Hershey’s field goal to America’s newest football sensation. Give a big hand to the Cowboys star kicker, the Hershey’s Howitzer, Agador Lorca!
Agador walks on fidgeting with his conservative clothes. He sits. Judy watches him approvingly from behind the cameras. NEARBY, ALBERT STUGGLES WITH A TECH TO THROW ANOTHER LIGHT ONTO AGADOR. Judy glares at him and he stops. She smiles, everything under control.
ROSIE “Agador.” That’s an unusual name.
AGADOR
Thank you. I chose it myself.
ROSIE Really? Then it’s not your first first name?
Agador shakes his head but doesn’t elaborate. He stares at the audience, tongue-tied with stage fright.
ROSIE Uh, you look great. I love that shirt.
AGADOR
Thank you. It’s just a cotton, but your blouse is really nice. The colors are perfect. Lycra?
(touches it)
ROSIE Yes, actually.
AGADOR
I love all the early fabrics.
ROSIE Me too. Nylon, Orlon
AGADOR
Rayon!
ROSIE Yes! But it’s hard to find good Rayon
AGADOR
You have to buy vintage.
58
ROSIE That’s it; that’s true.
(laughs, mock suspicion) You know way too much. You’re gay, aren’t you?
Judy watches in horror as Agador pauses. EXT. STUDIO BUILDING - DAY Judy is furious as they exit the building.
ALBERT You told him “don’t ask, don’t tell.” You didn’t say what to do when they ask.
JUDY
If I’d thought for a second he’d declare it openly on national television !
AGADOR
What’s the difference? An ESPN van screeches to a halt at the curb. A CREW jumps out.
JUDY This is the difference.
REPORTER
Agador! How does it feel to be the first openly gay pro football player?
AGADOR
Fine. Judy hauls him into her car, cutting short the interview. Albert stops to talk to the Reporter but Judy throws him into the car. INT. CAR
JUDY And what was that business with the Technician?!
AGADOR
He was flirting with me. Didn’t you see how he kept adjusting my tie?
ALBERT
That was your microphone, dear.
CUT TO:
59
ESPN COMMENTATOR (LIVE ON TV) The sports world was turned upside down today when the starting kicker for the Dallas Cowboys admitted to being a homosexual on the Rosie O’Donnell show.
THE TV CUTS TO FOOTAGE OF AGADOR AT THE MOMENT ROSIE ASKED HIM:
ROSIE (ON TV) You know way too much. You’re gay, aren’t you?
AGADOR (ON TV)
(pause) Yes.
(innocently) Are you?
REVERSE ON AGADOR’S FRIENDS IN MIAMI WATCHING. WE’RE: INT. MIAMI APARTMENT – DAY - TEDDY CLICKS OFF ESPN
CECE Maybe it’ll blow over.
CUT TO:
BLACK. THE “NIGHTLINE” LOGO AND MUSIC COME UP.
TED KOPPEL Good evening. I’m Ted Koppel. The Dallas Cowboys starting kicker, Agador Lorca, today openly declared himself gay on the Rosie O’Donnell show. Is there anything wrong with that? Here with two very different opinions are Senator Kevin Keeley, Chairman of the Coalition for Moral Order, and U.S. Representative Barney Frank, openly gay U.S. Congressman
PULL BACK TO REVEAL WE’RE: INT. SHACK BAR IN NEPALESE VILLAGE - DAY The OWNER fiddles with the satellite for Val and Barbara, who are surrounded by VILLAGERS bewildered by the English program. Val is on the phone. Barbara downs a drink and pours another. SPLIT SCREEN – SEN. KEELEY AND CONGRESSMAN FRANK
KEELEY (GENE HACKMAN) (ON TV) This is not about what’s okay to do in the privacy of one’s home, Ted that’s a discussion I’ll leave for another day. This is about a national sports figure. A role model that Americans look up to
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BARNEY FRANK (ON TV) Exactly, Senator. They look up to him as a sports figure. His being gay has nothing to do with it.
SENATOR KEELEY (ON TV)
Don’t interrupt and twist what I’m trying to say. Where are your manners? Obviously your role models left much to be desired.
BARNEY FRANK (ON TV)
Franklin Roosevelt was my main role model. You’re not suggesting he was...
SENATOR KEELEY (ON TV)
Oh please! That is totally uncalled for! VAL holds his hand over the receiver and turns to Barbara.
VAL Albert says to tell you your dad looks great since he lost the weight.
INTERCUT WITH AGADOR AND JUDY WATCHING NIGHTLINE
ALBERT Barbara’s not too thin is she? Am I going to have to fatten you both up when you come home in February?
VAL
Uh...Cyril, is my dad on the line yet? ADDITIONAL INTERCUT WITH CYRIL, STAGE MANAGER AT THE BIRDCAGE It’s Friday night backstage. People run frantically to and fro.
CYRIL Hold on Val... ARMAND!
INTERCUT THREE LOCATIONS OF THE CONFERENCE CALL, AS NEEDED
ALBERT Valy, you are coming home February 16th?
VAL
Barbara wants to say hello. (to Barbara)
He’s asking when we’re coming home. You tell him. I can’t!
Val tries to hand her the phone. She pushes it back.
BARBARA He’s your mother!
They struggle over it; finally, she takes it.
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BARBARA
Albert, hi!... Well it turns out the project needs us a little longer... uh, ten months... No, we don’t despise you... I’m sure it’s not a heart murmur No that’s true, I’m not, I’m an engineer... I know it’s long after the football season ends No, they will not have an extended run... Of course we miss you, don’t be silly... Great... Yes of course I’ll tell him.
(to Val) He wants us to fax our eulogies now, so we don’t risk missing his funeral.
IN MIAMI, Armand, wearing a too-small burlesque costume, wig askew, runs up and grabs the phone in a rage.
ARMAND ALBERT!
ALBERT
Oh, Armand, it’s horrible. Did you hear? They’re not coming back for a whole year. Say something to them.
ARMAND
Say something to them?! You’re in Texas, Albert! Texas! And I’m here running around plugging holes in dikes!
(to someone OC) Not you honey. Albert, the way things are going out there, you and Agador better hop the next plane to Miami.
(sees TV, gestures, Cyril turns up volume)
Oh my God, Barbara, is that your father? He must have lost fifteen pounds.
ON THE TV
TED KOPPEL (ON TV) If I understand you correctly, Senator, you’re suggesting that a gay sports hero encourages others to be gay?
SENATOR KEELEY (ON TV)
When Michael Jordan wears Nikes, America wears Nikes!
INT. BARBERSHOP - DAY The Barbers cut hair wordlessly, Juan and Rigo tossing a stoic Esteban occasional furtive glances. The only sound in the room is the snip, snip, snip of scissors.
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EXT. TEXAS STADIUM - DAY GOODYEAR BLIMP POV OF the last fans filing into the stadium.
CUT TO: THE STANDS, filled to capacity. AN EERIE SILENCE REIGNS. 85,000 people, all sitting still, stare self-consciously at Agador, who’s on the field, setting up for the kick off to start the game. SOMEONE’S NERVOUS COUGH REVERBERATES THROUGH THE STADIUM. AT THE OTHER END OF THE FIELD, the PHILADELPHIA EAGLES wait to receive. CLOSE ON THREE HUGE BLOCKERS, gazing up field at Agador.
HUGE PHILLY BLOCKER Let’s see if he bleeds like the rest of us.
The other two nod, venom in their eyes. Agador kicks off. THE PHILLY BLOCKERS RUN OUT AHEAD OF THEIR PACK, TOWARDS AGADOR, AS A FELLOW PLAYER CATCHES THE BALL. AGADOR is oblivious, keeping a safe distance from the main action. THE PHILLY BLOCKERS are closing in when HE SEES THEM AND PANICS. HE RUNS. The Kick Returner is tackled BUT THE BLOCKERS DON’T STOP. AGADOR LEAPS FOR SAFETY BEHIND THERON AS THE BLOCKERS LEAP. THEY CRASH INTO THERON, WHO LANDS HARD, CRUSHED UNDER THEM. WHISTLE! FLAG DOWN! COWBOY FANS BOO THE BLOCKERS! Agador walks off, pale, looking back at the moaning Theron.
REF (OVER PA) Personal Foul: Unnecessary roughness. 15 yards.
AT THE BENCH, a shaken Agador sits as the First Aid Crew helps a groggy Theron to the bench. Dave leans over.
DAVE Don’t worry. They were just making a statement. They can’t afford fifteen yards every time you’re on the field.
COACH JOHNSON watches as THE HEAD COACH FOR THE OPPOSING TEAM LOOKS AT HIM, THEN WHISPERS TO HIS ASSISTANT COACHES, WHO ALL LAUGH. Both teams gather on the field. ALBERT TURNS TO JOHNSON.
ALBERT I love it when they cuddle.
COACH JOHNSON
IT’S HUDDLE!
CUT TO:
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As Agador and the Special Team take the field, they’re interrupted by THE SOUND OF A DRUM ROLL. THE COWGIRLS ARE FANNING OUT IN LOCK-STEP ALONG THE SIDELINES, WEARING AND BEATING SNARE DRUMS. THEIR DRAMATIC POUNDING AND RUNNING BUILDS AS AGADOR APPROACHES HIS STARTING POINT. MOVEMENT AND SOUND CRESCENDO, THEN FALL SILENT AND MOTIONLESS ON A DIME. THE ENTIRE STADIUM IS HUSHED. FOCUSED ON AGADOR. Theron limps into position as ball holder, GLARING AT AGADOR. Both teams set up at the line, ready for battle.
PHILLY DEFENDER (loudly, for all)
So is being gay a requirement on the Cowboys? Or did you all volunteer?
The Eagles laugh. Agador looks at his line. Patrick. Gibbons. Bartholomew. All fuming. An Eagle points at Agador in an “I’m going to get you” gesture. Agador swallows. Will his guys protect him? Sweating, Agador nods for the snap and the Linemen tear at each other, THE COWBOYS GIVING IT THEIR PROFESSIONAL BEST. Agador kicks. The Opposing Line pushes for an extra beat. Then stops. The play is over. The kick is good. A beat, then the COWBOY FANS THROW UP A CHEER. ALBERT SIGNALS AND THE PEP BAND BREAKS INTO STARS AND STRIPES. THE SCANTILY-CLAD PATRIOTIC-SEQUINED COWGIRLS RUN UP AND DOWN THE SIDELINES WITH RED, WHITE AND BLUE STREAMERS, TOSSING CONFETTI. AGADOR smiles at the other players as they come off the field.
PATRICK Don’t. Don’t you smile at me.
AGADOR
Thanks for being such good blockers. You guys are the best!
Patrick rolls his eyes and walks away.
TOMMY It’s nothing, really. You know, it’s just what we do.
(sotto) But thanks for saying so.
ON THE SIDELINES, ALBERT, in a coonskin cap and holding an antique cardboard megaphone, stands on a pedestal. He gets the audience going:
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ALBERT Gimme an A!
(“A”!) Gimme a G!
(“G”!) Gimme an
Coach Johnson has had it. He storms over, grabs the megaphone, throws it down and STOMPS ON IT, pleased with himself until he sees Albert and the fans looking up. He looks up. A BI-PLANE IS FLYING BY WITH A BANNER: “AGADOR ESTEBAN GUADELOUPE HIDALGO DE MARIA LORCA, PLAY ON!” Annie comes between Johnson and Albert just in time. Johnson glares and walks off.
CUT TO: The Cowboys exit the field after their victory. The Shirt Advice Seeking Player and a Fence Sitter from the debate go up to Agador and pat his back. Theron glares at them, but they ignore him.
SHIRT ADVICE SEEKING PLAYER You did good out there today Agador.
ANGLE ON SOME UNHAPPY PEOPLE. Patrick. Theron. Gibbons. And two former fence sitters who’ve come down on their side.
THERON So he can kick. Big deal. I got a touchdown. I don’t see the fans going apeshit over me.
The angry Bartholomew grunts in agreement.
GIBBONS That was a nice touchdown.
THERON
I don’t give a shit, okay? That’s not the point!
ALBERT is approaching Agador WHEN A WAVE OF MEDIA RUSHES AT THEM. Albert smiles and is about to hook arms with Agador when THE MEDIA RUSH WEDGES BETWEEN THEM, PUSHING ALBERT OUT OF THE CIRCLE. Albert tries to get back in. Agador is buoyed along toward the locker room. ALBERT IS LEFT BEHIND. He watches longingly as Agador disappears into the building. One PHOTOGRAPHER comes up to him.
PHOTOGRAPHER Hey, you’re...
ALBERT
Albert.
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PHOTOGRAPHER Albert! Right! The cheerleading coach.
(Albert perks up) Is there a place I can get some film around here, like a concession stand?
Albert deflates.
CUT TO: Albert, depressed, sitting alone on the empty Cowboys bench. Annie and three cheerleaders come up to him.
ALBERT You hated it.
ANNIE
I loved it. The girls loved it.
CINDY THE CHEERLEADER It’s really fun doing new things.
ANNIE
Cheerleaders all over the country have been calling me. Everyone saw you on TV.
ALBERT
On TV?
ANNIE I got a message from a reporter at USA Today who wants to interview you for the Life section.
ALBERT
... USA Today. That’s... national.
ANNIE One thing. Maybe next time it would be a good idea not to focus entirely on Agador. Why don’t you work up something traditional?
ALBERT
I can’t believe it. Oh my! I have so much to think about, to do... I’m so excited I could plotz. I love you all!
He kisses them on their cheeks and runs off, a new person. EXT. AGADOR’S HOUSE – DAY Patrick pulls up in his Jag. Unseen by him, a disheveled Judy parks her car and gets out with her dry cleaning. She watches Patrick dreamily and parallels him from behind some bushes as he walks toward the house. She notes: HIS CONFIDENT, ATHLETIC STRIDE. HIS FINGERS
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COMBING THROUGH HIS THICK DARK HAIR. HIS MUSCULAR CHEST as he reaches up to button a button. Judy takes a little breath. Then scurries into the house through a side door as Patrick rings the bell.
JUDY (OC, INSIDE) Come in! I’m not quite ready!
INT. HOUSE - DAY He walks in. He hears the shower running. Steam wafts out the open bedroom door. He looks around, then realizes he has a view through to the open bathroom door. He pushes the bedroom door a bit for a better view. Through the billowing steam, against the shower door, he can just make out the outline of her arms and legs. SUDDENLY JUDY IS STANDING NEXT TO HIM.
PATRICK Jesus!
The shower turns off. AGADOR STEPS OUT.
PATRICK Ahh!
Patrick looks like he’s going to be sick. He turns around. He wobbles to the couch. He sits. He stands. OC, Agador sings “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?” as he dresses.
PATRICK I You What the hell is going on?! What’s he doing here?
JUDY
He lives here.
PATRICK I didn’t know he lived here! I thought it was you!
JUDY
I gathered that. As long as you’re confessing, you should probably tell Agador you were watching him.
Patrick spots Agador walk by the open bedroom door in men’s pants and shirt, PRACTICING WALKING IN HIS FLAMENCO HEELS.
PATRICK No! Let’s just... Let’s just go!
EXT. AGADOR AND JUDY’S HOUSE - DAY Patrick is out the door, three steps ahead of Judy.
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PATRICK You could have warned me, you know.
JUDY
Yes, how thoughtless of me. I should have assumed you would try to see me naked.
PATRICK
I’ve got to think about something else. Let’s talk about something else.
JUDY
What’s the big deal? If anyone should be upset, it’s me, though I’m not, since I decided ahead of time to make allowances for your extreme brand of maleness. It’s actually kind of flattering in a superficial, violating sort of way.
Patrick holds open a door of his Jag for her, then goes around.
PATRICK How can you be friends with that guy?
JUDY
Agador? What’s wrong with Agador?
PATRICK What’s wrong with him?
JUDY
... Patrick. You’re a homophobe.
PATRICK No I’m not. I’m not afraid of them. I just don’t like them.
They drive off. We hold on the street for a beat. Then another beat. And another. The Jag comes around the corner and stops in the same spot. Judy gets out.
PATRICK Come on, we have to agree on everything just to date?
ALBERT ARRIVES, catching up to Judy as she walks up the path. HE’S CARRYING A LARGE PILE OF HEAD SHOTS and a roll of address labels.
ALBERT Judy, honey, if you have any time I need to mail these out by tomorrow. My publicist says, “strike while the iron is hot.”
JUDY Your publicist?
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PATRICK sees Albert going in the house and furrows his brow. What the hell? Do all these guys live together? INT. BARBERSHOP - DAY Esteban spots a Limousine pulling up outside.
ESTEBAN It’s the Princess!
Juan and Rigo stand at attention, smoothing their smocks. The one Customer stands too. Agador walks in, dressed tastefully in a powder blue Chanel Floor-Length with a Royal Coat of Arms patch.
AGADOR I was passing through and I wanted to see where the maestro works. I hope you don’t mind.
ESTEBAN
Juan, Rigo. La Princesa Isabella Luisa Alfonso Victor Maria de Borbon y Borbon.
AGADOR
Please, call me Ithabella.
JUAN Hello Ithabella.
RIGO
Welcome. Agador walks through, examining everything. He runs his hands over his father’s chair and feels the weight of his instruments, as if trying to absorb his father’s years in this place.
AGADOR This is a lovely barbershop. You can see the attention to every detail.
Agador looks at the walls. The sports memorabilia, some cartoons, pictures of Juan and Rigo with family.
AGADOR There are no pictures of Catrina?
JUAN
He has many pictures of her at home. Not that he ever brings them out.
AGADOR
I would love to see them. INT. ESTEBAN’S LIVING ROOM – DAY Alone, Agador is snooping around, looking at the books on the bookshelves, sitting in different chairs to get their feel. He goes
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in the bathroom and rummages the cabinet. Esteban walks in with a box as Agador steps out of the bathroom.
ESTEBAN Well it isn’t much, but here they are.
They sit next to each other. Esteban opens an album.
AGADOR She was exquisite.
ESTEBAN
Thank you... Here she is dancing at the Copa in downtown Guatemala City, and here at the Opera house... This was the house we lived in... The program for the ’67 tour.
Esteban flips by a photo of himself hugging an eight-year-old Agador, who’s holding a soccer trophy.
AGADOR Who was that?
ESTEBAN
My son, Esteban junior.
AGADOR What became of him?
ESTEBAN
We lost touch.
AGADOR But surely, you must want to know
HE SHRIEKS
® as he notices one of his breasts has come loose and is
traveling south. He shores it up with his arm.
ESTEBAN What is it?
AGADOR
Nothing. I just can’t get over how young you were. But I, uh, really should not keep you here all day.
ESTEBAN
(engrossed in photos) It’s OK.
Agador’s other breast becomes unmoored. He puts his other arm across his chest to hold it up.
AGADOR No, really, it isn’t.
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ESTEBAN Yes it is. I can’t talk of these things with my friends. But you understand.
He reaches out for Agador’s arm. Agador gives it to him, shifting his other arm to hold up both breasts. Esteban pats his arm.
ESTEBAN I am grateful to you. It is not every young person who is willing to help an old man share his memories.
AGADOR
Hm? Yes. Was that a honk? Of course. My poor driver. The dialysis! I must get him to the hospital.
ESTEBAN
Oh. I didn’t mean to delay you.
AGADOR Don’t apologize. I wish I could stay.
He leans to hug Esteban but thinks better of it. He squeezes Esteban’s arm instead, crosses his arms and hurries out. INT. COWBOYS LOCKER ROOM - DAY Three players dress for the game. The Center looks over at Agador.
CENTER As if playing football wasn’t hard enough, now I’ve got to worry every time I bend over to hike the ball.
PLAYER #2
Why don’t you cut the guy some slack already? He is sixteen for sixteen.
PLAYER #3
What, now you’re turning too?
PLAYER #2 What the hell is that supposed to mean? That’s the kind of dumbshit attitude
ASSISTANT COACH (OC)
Who did this to Agador’s poster?! All conversations stop as the Assistant Coach rips a poster off the wall and swings it around to show everyone. We only catch a glimpse of the phrase “EQUIPMENT YOU CAN COUNT ON.” PLAYERS LAUGH.
ASSISTANT COACH It’s not funny, it’s disgusting!
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INT. TEXAS STADIUM – PRESS BOX – DAY
BOOMER ESSAISON Sure is a rowdy crowd out there, Al.
TV POV Of DALLAS FANS, faces painted and holding “Go Cowboys!” and “Maul the Bears!” banners. STRANGELY SUBDUED, THEY LOOK TO THEIR LEFT. TV CAMERA PANS LEFT. AN EQUALLY LARGE, BUT WILD AND ROWDY GAY AND LESBIAN CROWD SITS RIGHT NEXT TO THEM. THEIR BANNER READS: “AWAY: 0 HOMO: 44” ON THE COWBOY BENCH, Agador holds out a tin of brownies to players around him. Only Tommy and Shirt Advice Seeking Player take one.
TOMMY (handing Agador a brochure)
I hope you don’t mind, but I brought this from my Church for you.
AGADOR
“The path to change is through reflection and faith.” That’s so true.
Agador holds the brownie tin out to Bartholomew but he just stares back without moving a muscle. THE COWBOYS assume kick-off position, BUT ON THE SIDELINES TWO COWGIRLS DRESSED AS CENTURIANS SUDDENLY BLOW HERALD HORNS. The Cowboys stop and turn. The Cowgirls trot out in togas with team colors and emblems, mount a platform and hold drama masks in front of their faces: THEY’RE A GREEK CHORUS.
COWGIRL CHORUS Our fine heroes have come forth to these Elysian fields of play! But who knows what capricious winds Poseidon holds in store for them?
ALBERT STEPS UP, DRESSED AS POSEIDON. The USA TODAY REPORTER stares at him, slack-jawed.
ALBERT (AS POSEIDON) I SHALL REWARD THE VIRTUOUS AND CURSE THE BANEFUL!
COWGIRL CHORUS
Who will win? Who will win?
ALBERT (AS POSEIDON) SILENCE! Dallas! Dallas will win! Three cheers for Dallas!
(thumping trident, WITH CHORUS)
Hoorah! Hoorah! Hoorah!
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The whole stadium is dumbfounded. The kickoff continues. INT. PRESS BOX - DAY
AL MICHAELS Fourth and one for Dallas, a minute forty to go, the game tied at 16. They’re in field goal range but it looks like they’re going for the first down.
ON THE FIELD, the Cowboys huddle.
PATRICK I talked to DeLong. The Bears want to trade Jefferies. Maybe we can dump Agador on them.
TASHJIAN
What the hell is with you Patrick? I’m starting to think Dave’s right about you. Why not just give in to it and ask Agador out.
DAVE
Maybe it’s you Patrick’s in love with.
TASHJIAN You think he’s trying to make me jealous? Won’t work, Patrick. I’m a roses and serenade kind of guy.
Everyone laughs. Except Patrick. He takes a swing at Dave. Tashjian steps in to stop him, but Theron grabs him. Too hard. Dave belts Theron who barrels into Gibbons. Suddenly it’s like World War I; prior allegiances pulling in one player after another. THE MELEE SPREADS, ENGULFING MOST OF THE TEAM IN AN ALL OUT WAR. IN THE PRESS BOX, Al and Boomer are speechless for the first time. IN THE STADIUM, THE FANS are confused. THE BEARS are confused. THE REFS blow whistles and try to restrain players to no avail. ON THE SIDELINES, Agador yells to Albert and Judy.
AGADOR They’re fighting over me! Isn’t it exciting?
PRESS BOX
BOOMER ESSAISON This is a team that needs to have it’s collective head examined.
ON THE FIELD, Coach Johnson wades into the fight, putting a stop to it. The Refs huddle, leafing the rule book and looking confused. They throw up their hands. Finally:
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REFEREE (SIMULTANEOUSLY OVER PA)
For... unsportsmanlike conduct... and delay of game: 20 yards.
Johnson sends the Offense off, slapping a few helmets as they go.
AL MICHAELS (OC) Dallas has just self-destructed. They were in position to clinch the game. Now it’s fourth and twenty-one at their own forty-six!
ON THE SIDELINES ALBERT AND THE COWGIRL CHORUS MOUNT THEIR STAGE.
COWGIRLS CHORUS WOE IS DALLAS! WOE IS DALLAS!
PRESS BOX
BOOMER Woe indeed. Out of field goal range, Lorca takes the field to punt. If the Bears score, that’s the game. Incredible.
ON THE FIELD, Agador takes up PUNTING position. He looks at the Bears defense. At A HUGE CENTER, who stares back at him. Agador looks at the goal posts. At Coach Johnson, waiting impatiently for him to call the play. THEN HE WINKS AT THE CENTER. This pisses THE CENTER off. He starts forward involuntarily. WHISTLE! FLAG DOWN! OFF SIDES! The Center realizes what just happened. Agador smiles. On the bench, Dave nudges Tashjian, who nudges the guy next to him. Everyone moves up five yards. Agador sets up for the punt again. He scans the Bears, back and forth. He settles. HE WINKS AND BLOWS A KISS. FLAG DOWN! WHISTLE!! OFF SIDES!! Dave and Tash laugh. Johnson is mortified. THE FANS CHEER as they move up another five yards.
AL MICHEALS What a turnaround! The Cowboys are back in Lorca field goal range!
With clenched teeth, Johnson nods Theron, Patrick, and the rest of the special team out to the field. Agador takes up field goal position. THE COWGIRL CHORUS PUTS ON HAPPY DRAMA MASKS AND RAISE THEIR ARMS.
COWGIRL CHORUS We are saved! We are saved!
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Theron sets up as ball handler and calls the play. THE BALL SAILS THROUGH THE POSTS. GOAL! Patrick and Theron watch AS A WAVE FANS OUT AROUND THE STADIUM.
COWBOY FANS We are saved! We are saved!
INT. STADIUM HALLWAY – DAY Out of earshot, Albert watches as, down the hall, Johnson gestures angrily and Annie appeases him. The Coach glares at Albert and storms off. Annie approaches. They walk together.
ANNIE Albert, when I said traditional I didn’t mean... classical.
INT. AGADOR AND JUDY’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Albert is engrossed in reading the book “How to be a Cheerleader” as Judy browses a Sports Illustrated and listens to talk radio and Agador practices pirouetting and stomping in his heels.
ALBERT Of course everyone loved the routine, but Annie is encouraging me to move in a more modern direction.
AGADOR
Oh, Armand called. He wants you to call him back again. Cassandra is going to put on a show and he needs your advice.
ALBERT
That’s wonderful! I’ll have to get him to send us a poster.
Agador takes a break and studies the Cowboys play book.
AGADOR I love this game. The friends on the team. The crowds cheering, the drama. I just hope we get to go to playtime.
JUDY
Playoffs. It’s playoffs.
ALBERT You’re worried about them, aren’t you?
AGADOR
They want to win so badly, but I don’t think they know what they need to do.
Judy stumbles across a photo of Patrick O’Leary. She sneers and turns the page, then hears something and turns up the radio.
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CALLER (ON RADIO) ... All I’m saying is: who cares if he’s gay? I got more important things to think about. Like how the Raiders are doing. Thanks Bob. G’bye.
BOB BRINKER (ON RADIO)
Thank you. So far I count 14 “fine with me” or “who cares” and four against. So that’s America talking with a dose of tolerance...
Judy pauses. And flips back to Patrick’s face. She stares at it. The phone rings. She picks up.
JUDY Hello? ... What do you want?
INTERCUT WITH PATRICK IN HIS APARTMENT Pacing with nervous energy, like a caged football player
PATRICK I have the check for you, for your car hood, but I lost your address. I thought maybe we could get together
JUDY
Keep it. I don’t want it.
PATRICK I want to pay for the damage.
JUDY
You couldn’t help yourself. You are what you are. I forgive you.
PATRICK
... Can’t we just talk? ... I can’t stop thinking about you.
JUDY
Try. She hangs up on him. Patrick stares at the receiver. INT. DJ ROOM – DAY – HOWARD STERN RANTING INTO A MICROPHONE
HOWARD STERN Of course he’s gay! Why shouldn’t he be? He’s a football player! They’re all gay. These guys hang out together in the men’s locker room, year after year, watching each other get naked, pumping iron. These are handsome guys
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ROBIN Howard
HOWARD STERN
Don’t “Howard” me, Robin. You know how I hate it when you “Howard” me. Now you. You can “Howard” me anytime.
A WIDE ANGLE REVEALS THAT STERN’S GUEST IS JOE NAMATH.
HOWARD STERN Broadway Joe Namath. I’m in awe. I am a huge fan. Now, you’re gay, aren’t you? I mean you did those panty hose commercials, right? That was basically an inside joke. The truth now.
NAMATH
(playing along) Yes, of course.
HOWARD STERN
Who was the best lay you ever had in the NFL? Rosie Greer?
NAMATH
Johnny Unitas. Howard laughs. INT. COACH JOHNSON’S CAR – MOVING - DAY Coach Johnson driving. Radio on. Horrified.
HOWARD STERN (OVER RADIO) You heard it here first, America. Lorca is the tip of the iceberg. Joe Namath. Gay. Johnny Unitas. Big Fag.
INT. PENDEGAST’S OFFICE – DAY Coach Johnson barges into Pendegast’s office, pushing past NANCY THE SECRETARY and catching Pendegast sneaking out his back door.
COACH JOHNSON I’ve been calling and calling. Nancy keeps saying you’re in Paris!
PENDEGAST
That’s right, I, uh... here, I picked this up for you.
Pendegast grabs a solid gold Eiffel Tower paperweight that was on his desk the last time the Coach was here and hands it to him. They stare at each other over this pathetic and obvious lie.
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PENDEGAST Okay, sit down... We’re keeping him, Jerry.
COACH JOHNSON
WHAT?!
PENDEGAST He’s practically the only one you’ve got playing out there!
COACH JOHNSON
But you’ve seen what it’s doing to team morale!
PENDEGAST
Ticket sales are up twelve percent. Advertisers are cutting each other’s throats for airtime on just pre-game slots. There’s even a whole new cheering section. It’s this “inclusive” business. If you’ve got a morale problem, coach them on it.
COACH JOHNSON
But... it’s an abomination!
PENDEGAST Jerry, do us all a favor. Go play football.
The Coach stands to leave, dismayed. Pendegast motions with his finger for him to give back the paperweight. EXT. CATHEDRAL OF HOPE - DAY Agador leads Tommy up the steps to Agador’s church.
TOMMY I’m glad we’re doing this.
AGADOR
Me too. I think you’re going to like this church.
INT. CATHEDRAL OF HOPE UNITARIAN CHUCH - DAY Agador crosses himself as he enters. Tommy looks around. THE CHOIR is singing. Tommy smiles. Then notices the PINK CROSSES ON THEIR CLOTHES. And the WOMAN PASTOR, IN A LAVENDER ROBE. (This is a real church in Dallas. The largest Gay Church in America.) Tommy looks again. Most of the couples are the same gender. Two men hold hands next to him! Most people dress conservatively, but a few are flamboyantly dressed gay men. TWO OF WHOM APPROACH.
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AGADOR Oh, these are my new friends George and Jonathon. They got married here last week. You should have seen the cake. It was beautiful. This is my friend Tommy Biloxi from the Dallas Cowboys. He’s a Tight End.
JONATHAN
I’ll say. EXT. CATHEDRAL OF HOPE UNITARIAN CHURCH - DAY Tommy is shaken as they leave.
TOMMY Frankly Agador, I was shocked.
AGADOR
I know, there’s no confessional. But you get used to it.
INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY A player listens skeptically to Agador.
AGADOR It’s one thing to be with her in the house. How often do you do special things together, a romantic dinner?
PLAYER
Yeah, maybe. I don’t know.
AGADOR A woman likes to know her man thinks she’s worth planning for. Here.
Patrick walks by and watches as Agador gives the player fresh flowers from a vase in his locker.
AGADOR Surprise her with these. It will make a nice beginning.
Patrick shakes his head, THEN SEES TASHJIAN SHOWING TWO SLOVENLY GUYS HOW TO ORGANIZE THEIR LOCKERS LIKE AGADOR SHOWED HIM.
TASHJIAN ... and because I put these shoes on top, like this, they’re as clean as the day I bought them.
PATRICK
Look what’s happening to us! CAN’T ANYONE ELSE BUT ME SEE WHAT’S HAPPENING TO US?!
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Everyone stops to look at him. Then goes back to what they were doing. Patrick looks around for support. THERE’S BARTHOLOMEW.
PATRICK Bartholomew! Back me up here!
BARTHOLOMEW BRIMS WITH HATE, HIS TEETH CLENCHED.
BARTHOLOMEW I don’t give a shit if he’s gay. I hate him ‘cause he’s a kicker. They don’t put their asses on the line like us, but they sure as hell get paid like us. Ask me, Bentley got what was coming to him.
PATRICK
... The whole team is nuts. EXT. DALLAS ZOO - DAY Esteban and Agador pass the Lions, Esteban reading poetry aloud.
ESTEBAN “...embanderado y enlutado, florido como las estrellas y sin medida como un beso.”
(AGADOR says the last line with Esteban)
You know this too? It was her favorite. After you left I was going through her things and found it. I hope you won’t be angry, but the more I thought about it, the more I knew how perfect Antonio would be for you.
Esteban buys two bags of peanuts and hands one to Agador.
ESTEBAN I hope I’m not being too presumptuous, but I’ve invited him for lunch.
AGADOR
Señor Lorca, no. I’m not ready
ESTEBAN Here he comes now.
AGADOR
No! I have to leave Agador turns. And chokes on the peanuts. IT’S ANTONIO BANDERAS PLAYING THE CHARACTER “ANTONIO”. EXT. ZOO LUNCH AREA - DAY The three of them are at a picnic bench eating sandwiches. Esteban looks on like a proud matchmaker. Agador gushes.
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AGADOR
That’s amazing. Wonderful.
ANTONIO No. It’s nothing really.
AGADOR
No, don’t say that. How long have you been binding books?
ANTONIO
Only a couple of months. I don’t really know what I’m doing.
Agador’s beeper goes off. He turns it off, ignoring it.
AGADOR All that gluing. Working the press. It sounds so interesting.
ANTONIO
(laughs) It’s just a summer job. I’m a student at Texas Tech.
AGADOR
A student too? Well my father Uh, padre, confessor, coach, call him what you will, he thinks a lot of you.
Esteban smiles. Agador’s beeper sounds. He turns it off again.
ANTONIO Aren’t you going to answer it?
AGADOR
(checks it) Ai!
® I have to go. I’m late for practice.
ESTEBAN
Late for practice?
AGADOR Yes. I’m... in the Nut Cracker Suite. I wanted to surprise you. Are you surprised?
ESTEBAN
... Yes.
AGADOR I’m glad. Actually, it’s just an audition, but I’m very hopeful.
He kisses Esteban’s cheek. He smiles shyly at Antonio as they shake. As Agador walks off he sighs. The one that got away.
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ESTEBAN Go ask her for her phone number.
He nudges Antonio, who runs after Agador. When he catches up, he looks back to see that Esteban is out of earshot.
ANTONIO You’re a man, aren’t you?
AGADOR
Uh... Yes. Is that a problem?
ANTONIO Yes! Just what the hell is going on here?! Esteban has no idea!
AGADOR
... It’s complicated. I can explain, but please, please, until we can talk, don’t say anything to him. The last thing I would do is hurt him.
Antonio looks back at Esteban, the hopeful matchmaker and smiles.
ANTONIO All right. But I better hear from you.
INT. AGADOR’S ROOM – DAY Albert helps Agador strip his makeup.
ALBERT It must have been absolutely terrifying.
AGADOR
I was almost exposed. Right there. In front of the elephants.
JUDY
(testy) That’s an image I wish I’d never experienced. Where exactly did you think all this was going to lead?
ALBERT
Judy, is something bothering you?
JUDY No, I would just think that it would be obvious to him that sooner or later his father is going to figure out the Princess is his princess.
AGADOR
That must never happen. It would devastate him. He would never speak to either of us again.
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ALBERT
It’s time for the Princess to say goodbye.
JUDY No, that was a long time ago.
AGADOR
No. Now we’re close. He trusts me and will miss me. I will counsel him, get him talking about his problem with me, and convince him to turn to family.
JUDY
You the Princess you are going to talk him into turning to you the Agador you?
ALBERT
The Princess’s departure will be the perfect opportunity.
AGADOR
Right after we stomp on the Jets at the Meadowlands.
JUDY
You’re both crazy. (to Agador)
And you’re pathetic. I have no sympathy for someone who can’t put their emotions out there in the open and just deal with them.
AGADOR
Like your feelings for Patrick.
JUDY You are such an ass.
AGADOR
You are so pre-menstrual.
JUDY Patrick has nothing to do with this!
ALBERT
Just do him already and put us all out of your misery.
She collapses onto the bed, her head in her hands.
JUDY I disgust myself.
AGADOR
Are you okay, sweetie?
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JUDY I’m fine. I’m sorry. So you’ll tell him the Princess has to go back to Spain.
AGADOR
Catalan. The court needs her.
ALBERT Palace intrigue.
AGADOR
Yes.
JUDY And she writes from the old country
ALBERT
Better not. On her return to Spain she dies
AGADOR
Poisoned by a pretender to the throne.
ALBERT Yes. No! Returning home, aboard ship, she dies of Scarlet Fever
AGADOR
Yes! All alone in her cabin. It’s very sad. You know, like in that episode of MASH, when Colonel Blake goes home.
JUDY
And then you comfort your father over her death.
AGADOR
It will be the least I can do. INT. THE MEADOWLANDS - PRESS ROOM - DAY
JOHN MADDEN What an exciting game! The Jets and the Cowboys battle it out the winner takes the NFL East. There’s the kickoff!
CUT TO:
The second quarter. The Cowboys quarterback throws, but Dave isn’t where he should be. Incomplete. The quarterback exits the field, irritated by the crowd’s jeers for his seemingly sloppy pass.
QUARTERBACK The hell is with you? Can’t you read a fucking blitz? You went to the wrong spot!
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DAVE Here’s an idea: look BEFORE you throw!
PAT SUMMERALL (OC)
What a tragedy watching the Cowboys let their playoff chances slip through their fingers.
Agador takes the field. INT. ESTEBAN’S HOUSE Esteban is playing poker with Juan, Rigo and a friend PABLO. Juan listens to the game on a Walkman and deals as Esteban tries to ignore the squeaky sounds emanating from the earphones. Juan is shaking his head. Rigo looks at him. Juan tosses a careful glance at Esteban, then leans over and whispers. Rigo frowns, leans to Pablo and whispers. Pablo shakes his head. Testy, Esteban throws down two cards. Juan deals him two. Pablo bets. Esteban sees him. JUAN PUMPS HIS ARM UP AND DOWN.
RIGO (whispers)
He made the field goal?
ESTEBAN Call or fold!
Juan calls. Esteban shows his cards. Apologetically, Juan shows his. Then rakes in the chips. INT. THE MEADOWLANDS - LATER The Cowboys offence is stalled. Once again, the Special Team heads out. Albert stops Agador, wiping mud off his back and adjusting his shoulder pads.
AGADOR Miss Albert, please
ALBERT
Don’t be in such a hurry. Remember, you’re the star.
Albert adjusts Agador’s helmet strap, then reaches past his face guard TO SQUEEZE A PIMPLE. Agador jogs out onto the field and sets up for a field goal. He watches Tashjian and Tommy arguing at the line.
TASHJIAN Try to stay on Swanson.
TOMMY
I got him. You just do your job.
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They’re off balance as the ball is snapped. TWO 300-pound JET DEFENSIVE LINEMEN PLOW PAST THEM AND PATRICK AND HIT AGADOR WITH INTENT TO KILL. The Linemen get up. Agador is motionless. PRESS BOX
JOHN MADDEN He looks hurt... The team doctor is coming onto the field now.
IT’S ALBERT, two steps ahead of the medical crew. He bends over Agador and WAILS, beseeching the heavens and beating his breast.
PAT SUMMERALL Ooo, that... that doesn’t look good.
Coach Johnson comes out and grabs Albert to pull him off Agador. Agador rises with a wan smile. He’s okay. The clock runs out. It’s half time, JETS 19, COWBOYS 0! INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY Half time over, the players, miserable, head gloomily back out. Except Gibbons, Tommy and Tashjian, who are outside the bathroom.
TOMMY Come on, you’re going to be late!
GIBBONS
Coach is going to whup your ass.
AGADOR (OC, INSIDE BATHROOM) I’m not going back out there! They’re trying to hurt me!
More players collect around the door.
DAVE They’re trying to hurt all of us. That’s the game. They hurt us. We hurt them. Whichever team survives the season with the least injuries wins.
AGADOR (OC)
That’s no way to live. I want three more guys to protect me! No, four!
TASHJIAN
Agador, please.
AGADOR (OC) You don’t care about me! None of you care about me!
DAVE
Of course we care about you.
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He looks at the other players.
GIBBONS Sure. We care.
Other players shrug and grunt in agreement.
AGADOR (OC) What about Patrick? He hates me.
Everyone looks at Patrick.
DAVE Of course Patrick doesn’t hate you.
AGADOR (OC)
Then why did he let Swanson and Howe up the middle?
Some of the players look at Patrick, nodding. He’s got a point.
PATRICK I didn’t let them by! They got by.
GIBBONS
(sotto) Come on. Tell him you don’t hate him.
Patrick can’t believe Gibbons is saying this. Other players nudge him.
PATRICK All right, all right.
(with difficulty) I don’t hate you. Come out of the goddamn bathroom.
AGADOR (OC)
It doesn’t sound like you mean it.
PATRICK Agador, I don’t hate you!
AGADOR (OC)
(pause) But do you love me?
Patrick goes ballistic. His teammates restrain him as he tries to break down the door. Agador comes out.
AGADOR Your feelings for me are obviously strong, whatever they are.
The players share a big laugh. Patrick pulls free and storms off. Agador looks at his now-smiling teammates, satisfied.
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AGADOR Come on boys, let’s play ball.
CUT TO:
The Cowboys are still laughing at Agador’s bathroom antics. A MONTAGE of the Cowboys in a better mood, and playing in better form. Dave runs in for a touchdown. The quarterback passes for a gain of twenty. Tashjian plucks the ball from the air and scores. Patrick intercepts. The fans cheer. SUDDENLY WE HEAR THE AMPLIFIED SOUND OF FINGERS SNAPPING. The Cowgirls come out. They’re joined by a group of FINGER SNAPPING MALE CHEERLEADERS. Then the pep band starts to play... IT’S WEST SIDE STORY! The men are handsome, athletic dancers AND VERY FEY! They pick the Cowgirls up and twirl them. This is expert choreography. THE STADIUM TV CAMERAS ALL SWING TOWARD THE DANCERS AS ALBERT TAKES CENTER STAGE AND PLAYS TO THEM. HE’S RIFF, LEADER OF THE GANG.
ALL CHEERLEADERS (to Jet Song tune)
When you're a Jet, You're in trouble today From your first down To your last dyin' play! When you're a Cowboy, You're the top cat in town You're the gold medal kid With the heavyweight crown!
The dancers leap, swing, bounce on little trampolines. Judy is mortified. She’s watching COACH JOHNSON WHO’S FLABBERGASTED BY ALL THIS PRANCING ABOUT. One guy backflips so close to the bench the players have to jump out of the way.
ALL CHEERLEADERS Here come the Jets Like a gnat on a bell They get in our way They won't feel so well
The Cowboys’re in gear All cylinders are clickin' The Jets'll steer clear 'Cause every one of ‘ems a lousy chicken
Here come the Cowboys Yeah, and we're gonna beat Every last buggin' Jet YEAH!
The Horn section blares at the end, CATCHING A COWBOY’S ATTENTION AS HE WAS ABOUT TO CATCH A PASS. IT POPS HIM IN THE HEAD.
88
That ends their drive. The offensive team comes off the field. Johnson smashes his headphone on the ground.
COACH JOHNSON Lorca! Get out there!
Agador heads out to kick. Albert signals the dancers for the next number. THE BAND STRIKES UP THE QUINTET FROM WEST SIDE STORY. A dancer flips off the trampoline and lands in front of Johnson, arms outstretched, big smile. Johnson pushes the guy over and storms up to Albert. The Band stops playing.
COACH JOHNSON YOU! YOU! Maybe I can’t do anything about him. But you. YOU’RE FIRED!
EXT. STADIUM PARKING LOT - DAY Albert is pushed out by security guards. They shut the door and he stands there uncomprehending.
ALBERT But... but I’m going to be in USA Today.
Dejected, he walks through the parking lot. A CHEER rises from within the stadium and he casts a forlorn look back. HE STOPS AT A TAILGATE PARTY. Burgers are flipped. Frisbees flown. Kegs emptied. Albert nods hello as he stops too close trying to watch their TV. THEY STARE AT THE ODD INTRUDER. INT. STADIUM Phelps (the angry player from earlier) dives to catch a ball, but it’s off his fingertips and he lands hard. Incomplete. Wilson walks up... and gives him a helpful hand up.
PHELPS Did you really tell Dave I was the best full back you’ve ever played with?
WILSON
I just said you were better than him. You’re okay. Just catch the fucking ball next time.
They smile at each other. The board reads 2 minutes into the 4th: Cowboys 12 Jets 19. PARKING LOT The Tailgate party. Girls dance and sun themselves in bikinis. Pot-bellied guys knock back beers. ONE SITS LISTENING ATTENTIVELY TO ALBERT, WHO’S SEATED NEXT TO HIM IN FRONT OF THE TV.
89
ALBERT He knew nothing about football. Now I can’t take credit for everything, he certainly had an aptitude, but I taught him how to be a performer.
KEN
That’s important. Oh, here comes Ned. Tell Ned about how Agador used to iron your pants.
ALBERT
Do you have a Perrier?
KEN (fishes around cooler)
How ‘bout a Coke?
ALBERT Diet?
KEN
Yup.
ALBERT Sure.
ON THE TV, a group of fans can be heard chanting, “Ag Adore! Ag Adore!” Albert looks as the TV camera focuses on Agador. Albert tears up. Ken hands him a handkerchief. INSIDE THE STADIUM The Cowboys look sick as Johnson paces nervously. THE SCOREBOARD: COWBOYS: 21. JETS: 23. 6 seconds left. PRESS BOX
BOOMER What a comeback! After limping through the season, the Cowboys are just three points away from the playoffs. With only six seconds left they’re pinning their post-season hopes on one man.
ON THE FIELD, Agador shakes his legs. Crosses himself. IN THE STANDS, There’s a section of Cowboy fans holding signs: “WE LOVE YOU AG!” “AG-ADORE, 34 FOR 34!!!” THE BALL is snapped. Agador runs and kicks THUD! The ball goes up and seems to hang forever and... it’s going to fall short! BUT INSTEAD IT SQUEAKS OVER. The score changes from 21 to 24. The clock zeros out.
90
BOOMER He did it! He did it! THE COWBOYS ARE IN THE PLAYOFFS!
The Cowboy fans erupt. The Cowboys run out to the field and... shake Agador’s hand. A few pat him on the back and one or two venture a hug. In expectation of something more, the Cowboy fans’ cheers settle into rhythmic clapping. Agador turns to them. AND BOWS LIKE A MATADOR. THEY GO WILD. INT. BUSY HOBOKEN BAR - DAY WAITERS arrive with beers for a dozen boisterous Cowboys celebrating their win. Agador points to a guy at the bar.
TASHJIAN Him? No. You can’t tell from that guy.
AGADOR
Look closely. The manicured moustache. The way his hand rests on the bar... Him, too.
He points to a ROUGH-LOOKING GUY chatting up a woman at the bar.
PLAYER #1 No fucking way. Not that guy.
Then we see the person he’s chatting up is JUDY.
AGADOR He’s three months from realizing it. Four, tops.
The guys shake their heads. He’s lost them. He points to a woman coming in from the cold, hidden inside a coat, hat and gloves.
AGADOR Lesbian.
DAVE
Oh, come on! This is ridiculous. She takes off her coat and she’s gorgeous. Very feminine. The players exchange a smug look. THEN SHE GIVES HER GIRLFRIEND A BIG KISS. Agador takes a triumphant sip from his beer.
PLAYER #2 How do you... ?
AGADOR
Gaydar. They all nod significantly. But they’re disturbed.
91
PLAYER #1 I never realized how many people all around us at any given moment are gay.
DAVE
Well, ten percent does generally mean one out of every ten people.
GIBBONS
Not in football.
AGADOR Oh no? Why do you think they call them the ‘Packers’?
IN A BOOTH, alone, A TIPSY ALBERT nurses a daiquiri. Agador comes up.
AGADOR Miss Albert, please, come sit with us.
ALBERT
Was I so wrong to want to bring some fun, a little Broadway, to football?
AGADOR
You were brilliant.
ALBERT Sweet, innocent Agador. It’s only a matter of time before fame chews you up and spits you out. But don’t worry, when it happens, I’ll be there to catch you.
AGADOR
That’s good. DOWN THE BAR, JUDY IS BORED with the Rough-Looking Guy. She looks around, but doesn’t see who she’s looking for. Because he’s: INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT Patrick and Cindy (the cheerleader) are making out. Sounds of celebration resound through the halls outside. Patrick pulls back.
CINDY What?
PATRICK
Nothing. They start kissing again. She takes her top off. Patrick stops.
PATRICK I’m sorry. I can’t. It’s not you. I think you’re very beautiful.
Cindy puts her top back on and giggles quietly to herself.
92
PATRICK
What?
CINDY Nothing. You don’t have to prove anything to me. And don’t worry, I won’t add to the rumor mill.
PATRICK
Rumor...? Cindy, I am not gay!
CINDY Whoa. Hey. You don’t have to be so sensitive about it. I don’t care.
(conspiratorially) And I think the sensitive thing is what gives you away. Among other things.
(giggles)
PATRICK That is not what this is! There’s a woman I’m thinking about. She’s got me all fucked up in the head.
CINDY
Agador? It’s okay. I think he’s cute
PATRICK No! A woman! I told you, I’m not gay!
Cindy shrugs and picks up her cardigan. He grabs the cardigan and tosses it down.
PATRICK Take your shirt off! Please.
He rips off his own shirt. She takes her top off. They kiss. He pulls her onto the bed, turns off the light. We hear them making out. AND THEN CINDY GIGGLES. She turns on the light and sits up.
PATRICK It’s her, I swear! She’s cursed me.
CINDY
I’m not the one who has a problem with this. You have to learn to accept yourself.
PATRICK
(throws up hands) Fine. I’ll... see you at practice.
INT. AGADOR’S HOUSE – NIGHT ON THE WALL IS A POSTER FROM THE BIRDCAGE: “CASSANDRA... The One Armed Bandit!” A “HELD OVER” STICKER IS SLAPPED ACROSS THE BOTTOM.
93
Albert is pacing, upset. CLOSE ON AN INVITATION TO A TRIBUTE FOR JOHNNY UNITAS. AGADOR is in a tux, adjusting his cufflinks. There. He looks great.
ALBERT When are you going to realize football is not for you. They don’t care about Agador the human being. The artist. It’s a corrupt, scabrous enterprise. You’re just a meat puppet to them. It’s all about “win, win, win.”
(looks at poster) This thing is a monstrosity!
He grabs the poster and throws it into a closet.
AGADOR You’re right, you’re absolutely right. They’re all a bunch of Philippines.
ALBERT
Do you have to go right now? I could run a bubble bath and make some finger sandwiches.
AGADOR
I’m late. We can do something tomorrow. Oh, I have practice. Maybe after.
He kisses Albert’s cheek and leaves him alone. INT. 7-ELEVEN - DAY Esteban is here buying a quart of milk. Passing the magazine rack, his eyes focus on THE COVER OF TIME MAGAZINE. It’s the classic photo of a cheerleader held across the arms of a few football players. BUT INSTEAD OF A CHEERLEADER, IT’S AGADOR! WITH POM-POMS! Esteban averts his eyes, only to see THE SAME PICTURE ON THE COVER OF NEWSWEEK! AND PEOPLE! AND SPORTS ILLUSTRATED! Then he spots THE ADVOCATE. BUT ON THAT COVER AGADOR IS KICKING A BALL, HIS LEG EXTENDED, A CLASSIC SPORTS SHOT. Esteban can’t take it. He leaves the milk and walks out. EXT. ESTEBAN’S HOUSE – DAY Esteban is coming home when he sees the Princess waiting. Agador signals his CHAUFFEUR, who “accidentally” drops A TICKET FOLDER WITH A CRUISE SHIP LOGO and opens the back to put a jacket inside, revealing A STEAMER TRUNK. Esteban picks up the tickets.
ESTEBAN Princess... What’s this?
94
AGADOR I regret I must return to Spain. A terrible injustice has been done to my cousin, the dwarf prince of Granada.
ESTEBAN
To Spain? For how long?
AGADOR Forever, I’m afraid.
ESTEBAN
You’re going? I can’t believe it.
AGADOR It was a surprise to us all. Just as the flag was raised for the bull run
ESTEBAN
I thought... I just assumed you were living here now.
Agador sees the shock and sadness in his father’s face.
AGADOR The Princess will miss you, too. I still have some time before my ship sails. I thought we could spend it together.
Esteban nods and they walk toward his front door AS A REPORTER AND CREW THRUSTS A MICROPHONE IN ESTEBAN’S FACE.
REPORTER Sir, are you Esteban Lorca, the father of Agador Lorca, the gay place kicker?
ESTEBAN
What? I Excuse me. He tries to go by with Agador, but the Reporter blocks them.
REPORTER Did children make fun of him growing up because he was different?
Esteban tries to go by the other way, but the CREW blocks them.
AGADOR Look, he doesn’t want to talk to you.
REPORTER
(to Esteban) You yourself are quite a snappy dresser.
ESTEBAN
What do you mean?
95
REPORTER You’re a hair stylist, isn’t that right?
ESTEBAN
I’m a barber!
REPORTER But you’re no longer married.
(pushes Agador) You’re blocking the shot
(to Esteban) Do you feel in any way responsible for your son’s sexual
AGADOR
He said he doesn’t want to talk to you! Agador grabs the Reporter by the collar. The Reporter is surprised by the force of this woman and struggles to get loose, accidentally knocking Agador in the face with his clipboard.
CREWMEMBER Oo! Miss, are you Oka ?
AGADOR PUNCHES THE REPORTER, who reels into the Crewmember, then the others. They stare at him in shock. INT. ESTEBAN’S HOUSE - DAY Agador comes out of the kitchen with ice wrapped in a towel pressed to his lip. Esteban is pacing furiously.
AGADOR I don’t know what came over me. I saw a lot of Westerns growing up
ESTEBAN
My son. He, he, parades around like a rooster in front of his country! I cannot escape. At the newsstand. The grocery store. The doctor’s office. And now at my own home!
AGADOR
I’m sure he never meant to cause you pain.
ESTEBAN When it first came out it was always, “don’t blame yourself.” But who should I blame? All I wanted was a son I could be proud of.
Tears well up in Agador’s eyes. He turns away. Esteban picks up a newly framed photo of Catrina.
96
ESTEBAN He was our only son. We had such dreams. All the way to his wedding... a daughter-in-law... a grandson to carry our name... I made peace with it all but now my peace is destroyed...
Agador wipes his tears with the towel, gaining control of himself. Above his lip there’s blood, and bare skin where his makeup was.
ESTEBAN You’re bleeding. Hold on.
Esteban goes and comes back with iodine and swabs. As Esteban goes to clean the cut he’s taken aback by the hair above Agador’s lip.
AGADOR Oh, uh, I’ve always had this. My friends say I look like Frida Kahlo.
Agador takes the swab and applies it himself. He steels himself to confront the situation.
AGADOR ... So then I guess you haven’t heard the news about your son?
ESTEBAN
Please, no more news.
AGADOR He’s quitting the game. Your son is leaving football.
ESTEBAN
Really? Are you sure?
AGADOR Yes. It seems he never really wanted to play. He’s returning to a quiet life.
ESTEBAN
If only you’re right... Are you crying?
AGADOR It’s the iodine. It stings.
EXT. ESTEBAN’S HOUSE – FRONT DOOR – DAY Esteban and Agador appreciate each other in silence. Esteban hugs the Princess. Agador hugs him back, wiping away tears.
ESTEBAN You never know. One of these days I might just show up on your doorstep.
97
AGADOR I’d like that.
Agador starts off. THEN COUGHS. Esteban is concerned.
AGADOR It’s just a cough. I’ve been red and running a fever, but I’m sure it’s nothing.
INT. LOCKER ROOM – DAY As the Cowboys gear up for the game, THEY WATCH LUNTZ CLEAN OUT AGADOR’S LOCKER, yanking out a couple of Princess Isabella dresses.
GIBBONS What’s going on?
DAVE
Agador left a message. He quit.
GIBBONS He’s under contract. He can’t quit.
DAVE
Tell him that. If they find him.
PLAYER (passing Luntz)
Can I have his milk crate? INT. 3COM PARK, SAN FRANCISCO - DAY Pouring rain has turned the field to mush. Dallas is down 16-10. “RAGING BULL” SLOW MOTION CLOSE UPS AND DISTORTED GRUNTS AS BODIES CONNECT WITH BODIES AND THE HARD, WET GROUND. DAVE IS HIT BY TWO TACKLES AND FALLS – JUST INSIDE THE END ZONE. TOUCHDOWN!
JOHN MADDEN Another last minute victory for the come back Cowboys! Ralston takes the field for the extra-point...
Ralston kicks. It’s wide!
PAT SUMMERAL (OC) I can’t believe it! He missed! The game goes into overtime! It’s hard to imagine Agador Lorca missing that kick! Tough break for the Cowboys.
ON THE COWBOYS BENCH, Johnson and the Cowboys look sick.
CUT TO:
The rain pours through ten BONE CRUNCHING PLAYS. THE COWBOYS ARE BRUTALIZED like we’ve never seen. One player doesn’t get up. Johnson trots out, then waves for the Doctor.
98
ON THE SIDELINES, Dave and Patrick shake their heads as the injured player is brought out on a stretcher.
CUT TO: Cowboys tackles try to push, pummel, and claw their way to San Francisco’s quarterback. Gibbons sacks him. He fumbles! Tashjian recovers, runs up the side and it’s TOUCHDOWN COWBOYS! Finally. INT. LOCKER ROOM - DAY The Cowboys have won, but to look at most of them you wouldn’t know it. Beat-up players limp to their lockers. Patrick and Tommy sit, shell-shocked and relieved. An ESPN CREW focuses on Johnson:
ESPN NEWS GUY Do you think the loss of Lorca will pose a problem when you face the Steelers in the Super Bowl?
COACH JOHNSON
This team’s performance as a whole demonstrates that no single player is irreplaceable.
The Coach’s words make nearby players resentful. INT. REHAB/RECOVERY ROOM - DAY War ravaged players are having injuries examined, taped, massaged and soaked. Patrick is immersed in the Whirlpool, Gibbons across from him. A Doctor wraps Tommy’s hand. Dave ices a kneecap. Patrick’s eyes meet Gibbons’s. He looks away, only to lock eyes with Tommy. Tommy and Gibbons share a look. Patrick looks at Dave. Dave is looking back. INT. AGADOR AND JUDY’S HOUSE – DAY Judy is putting things in a box. There’s a knock. She opens the door. Dave, Tommy and Gibbons are there. Then Patrick steps up.
JUDY What the hell are you doing here?
DAVE
We’re looking for Agador.
JUDY He’s gone.
TOMMY
When will he be back?
99
JUDY Guys, he’s not coming back. He took his parrots and left.
She opens the door wide. Moving boxes are everywhere. Albert’s room is empty, too.
PATRICK We need to talk to him. We want him to come back to the team.
JUDY
(to Patrick) I thought you didn’t want him on the team.
PATRICK
I didn’t want him to be a homo. I need him on the team.
Gibbons hits Patrick’s shoulder. Patrick pushes back. There’s some testosterone jostling. Judy rolls her eyes. Dave steps in to keep them apart.
DAVE Could you just tell us where he is?
GIBBONS
Jacobson tore a hamstring. Phelps fractured his collar bone. With Agador we don’t have to move the ball as far down field.
JUDY
Believe me, the last thing he wants is to play football.
PATRICK
Leaving like this, it’s crazy. It’s a selfish thing to do.
JUDY
Is it? How do you know? You haven’t even asked why he left.
PATRICK
Okay, I’ll bite. Why?
JUDY You’ll have to ask him.
PATRICK
How can I if you won’t tell us where he is?!
100
JUDY Don’t raise your voice at me. Do I look like a megaphone? You come here to brow beat him into playing for you so you can win and you accuse him of being selfish?
PATRICK
Excuse me, but, you know, we are athletes. This is what we do. What we’ve trained our whole lives to do. You said it before. It’ll be over for me soon. For a lot of us, this could be our last chance to win a Super Bowl. But right now, we’re the best and Agador is one of us. Maybe the greatest kicker in the history of the sport.
TOMMY
It’s a god-given ability.
DAVE It would be a shame if he walked away from it.
PATRICK
We’re talking about playing in the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl.
JUDY
What if he doesn’t want to play? They look at her, uncomprehendingly. She considers them.
JUDY Okay. I’ll help you find him. But if he says no, you leave it at that.
EXT. DADE COUNTY INTL. AIRPORT – DAY You know the routine: Plane touches down, skidding tires, burning rubber. Oh, look, a palm tree. EXT. HOTEL – DAY – JUDY AND THE PLAYERS WALKING DOWN THE STREET Agador’s home turf. The players gaze at the uninhibited cornucopia of bare flesh that is the pride and joy of South Beach. They ogle BIKINI-CLAD WOMEN walking, skating and jogging by. AN EXTRAVAGANT QUEEN stops by Dave, who wears a ten gallon hat.
QUEEN You free tonight, Cowboy?
DAVE
WHAT?! No! He moves away. As they enter the hotel behind Judy, the Cowboys all toss their ten gallon hats in a trash can.
101
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Gibbons and Dave play cards. Tommy compares his Bible to the Gideon version. Patrick watches Judy, who’s on the phone.
JUDY Call me if you hear anything, Kirk, but tonight ‘cause the game’s tomorrow ... The Super Bowl... It’s a football game...
(hangs up, it rings) Hello?... Cece!
EXT. THE BIRDCAGE - NIGHT The line to get in stretches around the corner, ALL DRAG QUEENS. Except for Gibbons, Tommy, Dave and Patrick, who posture as masculinely as possible, making them even more the focus of the Queens’ stares. CECE AND JUDY ARRIVE TOGETHER, DRESSED TO THE NINES.
PATRICK (to Judy)
Where the hell have you been?
CECE You don’t want a girl to rush when she’s trying to look beautiful, do you? Hi, I’m Cece.
TOMMY
Oh, hey. You called the locker room once. We spoke.
The guys look the attractive Cece up and down, unsure. Cece pulls out a cigarette in a cigarette holder. Tommy gallantly lights it as Cece bats his eyes at him.
CECE I hope you know how to dance white boy.
MAITRE D’
(stopping them) I’m sorry. It’s Saturday gentleman. Ladies Only night.
He motions the Queens from behind them to pass.
CECE Bobbi, these are my friends.
MAITRE D’
I don’t care if they’re the goddamn Miami Dolphins, they’re not coming in looking like that.
All four Cowboys get right in the Maitre d’s face.
102
PATRICK We have to get in there.
MAITRE D’
(pulls a cell phone) Am I going to have to call a policeman?
INT. BIRDCAGE - NIGHT CROWDED. DANCING. DRINKING. Agador sits alone at a table in the back sadly nursing a drink, the only one in the place not wearing a dress. Armand squeezes his shoulder consolingly and Agador pats his hand in an “I’ll be fine” manner. Armand leaves him to be alone. BACKSTAGE Albert is a nervous odd man out amidst the hustle and bustle of show preparations. He peeks out at Agador as Armand steps backstage.
ALBERT (concerned)
It’s hard for Agador right now, but it’s for the best.
ARMAND
Are you okay?
ALBERT I feel so out of place. I keep saying and doing the wrong thing. I saw Cassandra and I tried to shake her hand.
ARMAND
You’re just nervous being back. Give it a day. Have you been in the club yet?
ALBERT
Go out there? No. I can’t.
ARMAND Sit with the audience and watch the show.
ALBERT
Do you think I should?
ARMAND I know you should.
Albert looks nervously through the curtains at THE CROWD in the club, sitting and milling about. He takes a breath and steps through. Nearby fans react to seeing him, ADLIBBING HOW MUCH THEY MISSED HIM AND HOW HAPPY THEY ARE HE’S BACK. ARMAND WATCHES AFFECTIONATELY FROM BACKSTAGE.
ALBERT Thank you. Thank you. You’re so sweet.
103
FAN When are you going to put on a show for us Albert? Sing us a song!
His fans take up the call for him to sing.
ALBERT No, no, I couldn’t possibly. I have nothing prepared. You are all so incredibly wonderful, but I just can’t.
EXT. BIRDCAGE – NIGHT PATRICK, DAVE, TOMMY AND GIBBONS RETURN IN MAKESHIFT DRESSES, WIGS AND MAKEUP. The huge Gibbons’s dress is patched together from three different dresses. As they approach the door, Tommy adjusts his stockings and Patrick pulls his dress out from his ass.
DAVE You should check out this month’s Cosmo, Gib. There’s an amazing high-protein low-carb diet that will have you fitting into that in no time.
GIBBONS
You’re not exactly Kate Moss.
PATRICK If we don’t win the Super Bowl I’m going to kill that son-of-a-bitch.
JUDY
Just ask why you want Agador back. Whatever you do, don’t ask him why he left.
PATRICK
But you said to ask him.
JUDY Do you want to fight? Is that what this is about? Agador is a very sensitive person.
The Maitre d’ puts up his hand to stop them at the door.
MAITRE D’ I’m sorry, I can’t let you in.
DAVE
What?!
MAITRE D’ You’re the ugliest women I’ve ever seen. You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.
DAVE
But But that’s discrimination!
104
MAITRE D’
That’s right. I’m very discriminating. A GROUP OF QUEENS goes in, giving Bobbi pecks on the cheek. This is too much. Patrick lifts the Maitre d’ against the wall with one mighty arm. The Maitre d’ whips out his phone. Gibbons grabs it. The Maitre d’ surveys his situation.
MAITRE D’ OK, OK. You can go in. But take some advice. Shave the forearms.
INT. BIRDCAGE – NIGHT They walk in. FROM BACKSTAGE, ALBERT NOTICES THE PLAYERS. HE’S NOT HAPPY TO SEE THEM. Cece and Judy stop to talk to someone. The Cowboys don’t notice. They walk gingerly through the dense crowd and are swallowed up.
DAVE Where the hell are Cece and Judy?
Alone, panicked, the players retreat to the bar. They lean on it, tough-guy-like.
PATRICK Bourbon. Neat. With beer chasers.
Tommy notices a WOMAN looking at him, laughing. He blushes.
WOMAN Pretty crazy scene, huh? You don’t normally...?
TOMMY
We’re just looking for a friend. She nods, understanding. Dave nudges the others. There’s Agador. They follow Dave, coming up behind him. Agador turns. He’s shocked.
PATRICK We’re here to bring you back.
TOMMY
We need you to play.
GIBBONS Phelps broke his collarbone.
AGADOR
... Is he alright?
105
PATRICK He’s not concerned about himself. If he had another collarbone he’d gladly break it himself if it meant we could win the Super Bowl. Why? ‘Cause he’s a dedicated team player.
AGADOR
I can’t come back. I’m sorry. I wish I could, but I can’t.
PATRICK
Why not, for Christ’s sake?! Hearing that, Agador bursts out crying. Judy comes up.
JUDY What did you say?! You didn’t ask ?
PATRICK
No, no. We just told him about Phelps’s collarbone.
(pats Agador) It’s alright. He’ll be alright.
DAVE
Wait a minute. It’s Ladies Only night. How come he’s not dressed like a woman?
ARMAND is suddenly there, rubbing Agador’s back.
ARMAND Because he knows the owner and he can do whatever he wants. Armand.
(shakes hands) I heard you were here. Any friend of Agador’s is a friend of the Birdcage. You’re my guests, so just relax and feel at home in the knowledge that here a person’s privacy is sacrosanct.
(to WAITER) The check comes to me
RUBY RED LIPS speak softly, seductively into a microphone.
RUBY RED LIPS Ladies and Gentlemen... I’d like to sing this song for some new ladies in the house... The Dallas Cowboys!
THREE SPOTLIGHTS ILLUMINATE THE COWBOYS LIKE DEER IN HEADLIGHTS. Another spot hits the singer. IT’S ALBERT, AS CHANTEUSE, BLACK DRESS ENHANCED WITH CABERET HAT, BOA AND LIPSTICK. THE AUDIENCE APPLAUDS WILDLY FOR ALBERT AND STANDS EN MASSE. Albert soaks it all in. Blows kisses.
106
ALBERT No, no, this is just too much. Thank you. Thank you so much... Stop already!
(applause dies down) It’s funny how sometimes you don’t realize what’s really important to you until you leave it behind. And now that I’m back I know how important you all are to me. I’ll never leave home again. Oh, you were there. And you were there too, Auntie Em.
(audience laughs, to Agador)
It’s so good to be home, isn’t it? We didn’t belong there.
Albert glares at the Cowboys, who are still frozen in the spotlight then signals the music to start. The spot follows him as he descends and walks toward Agador going all out with “Come Rain or Come Shine.” As he crosses the floor, the adoring audience sings with him. People reach out for his hand. A FAN GIVES HIM FLOWERS. Albert croons to Agador who’s sitting amidst THE SPOTLIGHTED PLAYERS.
ALBERT ... I’m going to love you like nobody loves you, come rain or come shine...
At the table, he sings to the players, embarrassing them. HE SITS IN GIBBONS’S LAP, KISSES TOMMY’S CHEEK AND GRABS PATRICK’S HAND.
ARMAND (hisses)
Albert, this is unseemly. Even for you. The song perks Agador up. He joins in on the microphone.
AGADOR AND ALBERT ... Days may be cloudy or sunny. We’re in or we’re out of the money. I’m with you always. I’m with you rain or shine!
The song ends to huge applause. Albert enjoys the adulation, but the final words brought Agador back to his thoughts. He moves over a table and cries again. ALBERT YELPS AS ARMAND YANKS HIM AWAY. The players recover as best they can and watch Agador cry.
DAVE We’ve got to cheer him up. Then we get him talking about whatever it is, and convince him it shouldn’t keep him from the game.
PATRICK
And we’ll get him drunk, so even if he doesn’t talk to us, by the time he wakes up he’ll already be on the plane.
107
The club segues into a Donna Summer Drag Show. The place shifts into high-gear, everyone getting up to dance.
DAVE Come on. Time to cheer him up.
Dave offers Agador his arm. Agador stifles a sniffle, smiles, and takes it. Dave motions for the others to join. Tommy looks around and catches the eye of the Woman at the bar. She nods and rises. Patrick turns to Judy, but she turns to a grateful Gibbons.
JUDY Care to dance?
They leave Patrick alone. Men in dresses watch him with interest.
PATRICK Hey! Wait! You can’t leave me here!
TALL BLONDE
Hi. Would you like to take a spin?
PATRICK Uh, no. Thanks. I like to watch.
The Tall Blonde shrugs and sits with him. A BRUNETTE sidles up.
BRUNETTE Would you like to dance?
TALL BLONDE
(catty) He wants to watch.
BRUNETTE
I can watch. The Brunette sits on the other side of him. ON THE DANCE FLOOR, Agador the man, and Dave the woman, get into the beat. Tommy and the Woman dance next to them. A near-panicked Patrick retreats to the bar, three TRANSVESTITES dogging him.
REDHEAD Come on. There’s a reason why they call it a dance club.
They box him against the bar, tugging at him. Judy steps in.
JUDY Hey, “no” means no. Leave him alone.
The Transvestites back off.
PATRICK Thanks. You really saved me.
108
She yanks him out onto the dance floor.
CUT TO: A DJ spinning “Sexy Thing,” cranked way up. Dave and Agador and Cece dance together. Gibbons dances wildly, drink in hand, three satellites of various sexuality dancing around him. Both tipsy, Judy and Patrick dance.
JUDY I think it takes a real man to be so sure of his own masculinity that he can wear cabbage rose chinz.
PATRICK
Yeah... well... They’re pushed together by other dancers. She looks into his eyes.
JUDY ... Your eyes are the deepest blue. And your lashes. I’d say they’re wasted on a man, but look at you.
PATRICK
(uncomfortable) Thanks.
He can’t help but be aroused by her interest. Judy pulls him close for a bump and grind.
PATRICK You always take charge. Never a moment of indecision. I love that.
She twirls him in a circle. A slow song comes on. Judy leads. They pass Tommy and the Woman, also dancing close.
JUDY Hey Kirk.
WOMAN
Hey. Tommy pauses, nonplussed.
CUT TO: THE CAMERA, tipsy along with them, swirls around as they dance like mad to “Last Chance.” ARMAND AND ALBERT ARE DANCING TOO. They get half the disco into a dance train, everyone shaking their booties. Judy and Patrick are forced against each other. They look in each other’s eyes. And kiss. The song ends. HARSH HOUSE LIGHTS COME UP. Suddenly self-conscious, they separate and look at each other.
109
JUDY This can never work.
She walks out of the club. He watches her go. EXT. BIRDCAGE - NIGHT Agador, Dave and Gibbons stumble out of the bar. Tommy and Kirk are already outside, Kirk writing on a scrap of paper.
KIRK (WOMAN) If I’m not there, you be sure to leave me a message.
He sashays off, glancing back flirtatiously at a confused Tommy. EXT. STREET - NIGHT The Cowboys and Agador stumble along a deserted sidewalk singing Queen’s “We Are the Champions.” A pensive Patrick stumbles along, not singing.
ALL TOGETHER (EXCEPT PATRICK) We will... We will... ROCK YOU!...
Agador sings the Freddy Mercury part; the team is chorus.
AGADOR I can’t believe you guys know this!
Six PUNKS in a ’78 Impala spot our “ladies” from behind.
PUNK #1 Get off the streets, ya fairies!!
The Cowboys flip them off. The Punks slam on the brakes and pile out of the car. The Cowboys stop and turn. The Punks are big. So big they’re almost half the size of the Cowboys.
DAVE You picked the wrong bunch of dames to mess with.
A short battle ensues in which the Punks are pushed around and knocked to the ground. Gibbons deposits a punk into a dumpster, then spikes the guy’s shoe in triumph. A POLICE CRUISER BLEEPS ITS SIREN AND FLASHES ITS LIGHT. Off the Cowboys horrified looks INT. POLICE HOLDING CELL – NIGHT Patrick, Tommy and Dave sit, hangdog, by Agador.
PATRICK If this gets out, we’re ruined.
110
TOMMY My daddy’s gonna kill me.
AGADOR
It’s not as bad as it seems. The vast majority of cross-dressers are actually straight. They just enjoy wearing women’s clothing.
PATRICK
Yeah. Great. We’ll just explain that to everybody.
Outside their cell Gibbons is finishing his fingerprinting.
FINGERPRINT SERGEANT I used to really look up to you guys. Is the whole team gay?
GIBBONS
I don’t know sarge. Why don’t you ask us the next time we come to town to whup Miami?
(put into cell) I talked to Pendegast. We’ll be out soon. And he spoke with the Captain and thinks he can keep it quiet.
PATRICK
That would be great.
AGADOR Why didn’t you tell the sergeant you’re not gay?
GIBBONS
He said it like there was something wrong with it.
Gibbons sits. Dave looks at Agador.
DAVE Agador, what’s the story? Why don’t you want to play football?
Agador looks at the players in their dresses. And at the punks in the other cell, nursing their wounds. Then at his bare feet.
AGADOR My father always said you could judge a man by his shoes. When I was twelve and I knew I was gay, I was afraid he would figure it out, so I stopped wearing them. He figured it out anyway when I was sixteen. We haven’t spoken since.
The players don’t know what to say.
111
AGADOR
I was a terrible embarrassment to him. I still am. He’s a very private man. A big fan of you guys... It was time to give him back his peace.
PATRICK
No. That is just wrong. I can see how he could have problems. But he has to accept you. He’s your father. That’s his job. If he doesn’t, he‘s failed. And, and you just have to move on.
AGADOR
I only played football to get closer to him. What I really want is to be a dancer like my mother.
PATRICK
You can’t tell me you weren’t having fun playing. I saw you
DAVE
Patrick. (to Agador)
It’s okay. You gotta do what you gotta do. We understand.
Tommy and Gibbons are nodding.
DAVE We’re going to miss you, though. You were fun to have around.
TOMMY
The way you looked after us and stuff. And remembered our birthdays.
GIBBONS
Patrick and I played together 3 years in high school, four at Michigan, two in Philly and three in Dallas. He never once remembered my birthday.
AGADOR
Thanks for understanding. The three players shrug.
PATRICK I think it’s a bonehead move. But I guess I can’t make you play.
(pause) December fifth?
112
GIBBONS The eighteenth.
EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY Agador and the Cowboys exit, free men. More or less. They turn to each other to say their good-byes. BUT THERE’S A MEDIA AMBUSH. ESPN CREWS AND PHOTOGRAPHERS MOB THEM. A COWBOYS TEAM REP PULLS THE PLAYERS AWAY AND INTO A WAITING LIMO. ARMAND AND ALBERT are here too. They grab Agador and spirit him into their car. INT. ARMAND AND ALBERT’S CAR – PULLING OUT Agador watches out the back, melancholy, as the COWBOYS’ LIMO inches through the media gauntlet.
ALBERT They’ll be fine. Football players are very resilient.
ARMAND
Sure. We’ll watch the game with you tomorrow, if you want.
Agador watches the limo disappear around a corner. He sighs.
ALBERT Armand, take the next left.
ARMAND
That’s the wrong way.
ALBERT It’s the way to the airport.
(off their looks) Who are we kidding? If we don’t know we can’t live our lives to please our parents, or even to make things easier for them, then who does? Esteban has a problem with you playing football.
(touches Agador) But nothing means more to you than being a good friend. And sometimes just being who you are means hurting your father... or mother.
He fingers the locket Agador gave him. It opens. Inside, across from Val and Barbara’s photo, he’s added Agador’s photo.
ALBERT
I’ll miss you, but I know that if that plane leaves and you’re not on it, you’ll never forgive yourself.
ARMAND
... Who are you? What have you done with Albert?
113
INT. BARBERSHOP – MORNING Rigo waves a Super Bowl ticket under Esteban’s nose.
JUAN You have to come. He’s off the team. Esteban, it’s the Super Bowl!
Esteban can’t resist. He takes the ticket. INT. DALLAS INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - DAY The Cowboys are deplaning. They look up. Agador is waiting. They pump his hand and slap his back.
PATRICK I knew he couldn’t miss the Super Bowl.
They walk toward the concourse. ANOTHER ANGLE REVEALS ARMAND AND ALBERT, walking behind, Albert carrying a Cowboys pennant, Armand reading from a rule book.
ARMAND “In the event of a tie at the end of a post-season game, the winning team will be determined by a sudden-death overtime.”
THEY BLANCH.
ALBERT What an awful, awful game!
He starts forward to tell Agador, but Armand puts his hand on his arm. Albert nods. It’s his life. PASSERSBY STARE AT THE COWBOYS. Passing newspaper machines, the players see A FOUR INCH HEADLINE: “DALLAS COWGIRLS?” WITH A PICTURE OF ALL OF THEM IN DRESSES EXITING THE POLICE STATION. Then they see TVs in the lounge. CNN playing a clip of the same.
GIBBONS This is going to be one tough game.
INT. TEXAS STADIUM - EVENING Steelers fans taunt: “GO COWGIRLS! Go COWGIRLS!” Handoff to Dave, who’s pounded into the ground for a loss. THE SCOREBOARD: It’s the Second Quarter, Cowboys behind 13 to 0. IN THE STANDS, A quarter of Cowboys fans, people upset by news accounts, as well as those who never liked Agador and now feel emboldened, BOO THE COWBOYS. They chant responsively: “DUMP” “AGADOR” “DUMP” “AGADOR”, then together: “SAVE OUR TEAM!”
114
ARMAND AND ALBERT ARE WITH JUDY, disgusted by the angry crowds. ON THE BENCH, the Cowboys, including Agador, are demoralized. Dave and Tashjian look at the fans and just shake their heads.
AGADOR At least Gloria is coming for the half time show. She’ll cheer us up.
FURTHER DOWN THE BENCH, Patrick is dogging Theron.
PATRICK We had to get into the dance club
THERON
No man. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to hear anything about it.
The Coach calls Agador out. As Agador takes the field, the BOOING INCREASES. AN ANTI-FAN HOLDS UP A SIGN: “HOMO GO HOME!” IN THE STANDS, ESTEBAN is near another ANTI-FAN, who’s yelling:
ANTI-FAN #2 You goddamn
(BAAAA!, a gas horn interrupts)
get off the field! ON THE FIELD, The BOOING upsets Agador. He looks to the seats he got for his dad. THERE’S A FAT CHINESE GUY JEERING HIM IN MANDARIN. There’s the snap. He runs and kicks it. It sails through the air... HITS A POST, AND FALLS OUT. No field goal. Dejected, Agador goes to the bench. ANTI-FANS throw food and paper bags at him. ESTEBAN WATCHES HIS SON BEING VILIFIED. HE’S APPALLED. THE CLOCK RUNS OUT ON THE FIRST HALF. Dave, Gibbons, Tommy and Tashjian stand next to Patrick, shaking their heads at the crowds. Judy joins them.
PATRICK He got us here. He deserves better than this.
He has an idea. He touches Dave’s arm.
CUT TO: THE COWBOYS BENCH. Agador has his head in his hands. They walk over with big smiles.
AGADOR What?
115
INT. LOCKER ROOM They drag Agador inside.
AGADOR No! I can’t!
TOMMY
Agador, don’t you see? This is your chance.
GIBBONS
It’s your dream!
DAVE Think about it! You’ll be seen by over a billion people!
Tommy comes running in carrying Agador’s flamenco dress, his shoes, and a box with wig and make-up.
AGADOR Are you crazy?! I’m not ready!
PATRICK
Take it easy. The half time audience is probably no more than 700 million.
Agador scoots away. Tommy hangs the dress on a locker and they follow him two aisles over. Before they can say anything else--
ESTEBAN (OC) I’m looking for Agador. I’m his father.
Agador stops dead.
ESTEBAN (OC) Is he all right? He’s not hurt is he?
Dave looks around the corner of the locker row and sees Esteban.
DAVE (amazed)
Agador. Your father’s here. AGADOR can’t believe it. He walks toward the front, happy, expectant Until he sees ESTEBAN, WHO’S STARING AT THE FLAMENCO DRESS HANGING ON THE LOCKER! WITH THE ROYAL SPANISH COAT OF ARMS!! AGADOR SHRIEKS
® IN PANIC, then leaps behind the lockers. Esteban knows
that patented shriek. HE TURNS, JUST MISSING AGADOR.
ESTEBAN Princess? What are you doing here?
116
AGADOR (Princess voice)
Señor Lorca? (sotto, panicked)
He can’t find out she’s me! Agador runs away, trying to think. Esteban turns the locker aisle expecting to see her, but she’s not there.
ESTEBAN Princess, where are you?
AGADOR
Esteban? Where are you? (sotto, to Cowboys)
Help me! I’m a Spanish Princess! I’m a Spanish Princess!
Esteban moves on, searching for her. Agador doubles back through the maze-like locker aisles and grabs the dress and makeup box.
ESTEBAN Princess...? What are you doing here?
Agador puts on the dress as he runs frantically.
AGADOR I’m so glad you’re here! I was afraid we wouldn’t see each other again.
ESTEBAN (OC)
I thought you left for Spain.
AGADOR Didn’t you get my messages?
Agador takes a corner while applying makeup and almost runs into Esteban’s back! He does an about face. Esteban turns, in time to glimpse the dress disappear around the corner. He hurries after.
ESTEBAN Princess!
AGADOR
(stops) Just follow the sound of my voice!
(runs off) THE COWBOYS HUDDLE, Dave pointing and giving instructions.
DAVE Go left; you, right. You, hold the center.
AGADOR RUNS, applying base. He’s lost, on a collision course with Esteban. Suddenly, two players nonchalantly stand, opening lockers to block Esteban, who has to go the long way around.
117
ESTEBAN Isabella, what are you doing here?
AGADOR
What are you doing here?
ESTEBAN I came to see my son Agador.
AGADOR
Oh!
ESTEBAN ... So what are you doing here?
ESTEBAN turns a corner. He’s about to run into Agador. GIBBONS SEES IT, PANICS AND TACKLES ESTEBAN! UGH! Agador peeks around the corner to see his tackled father. Good, a moment’s respite.
AGADOR Are you OK?
He goes to a mirror by Patrick to get his lipstick right. Esteban is helped into a chair at the other end of the row of lockers.
ESTEBAN Isabella! Wherever you are, stop! What are you doing in the Cowboys locker room?!
PATRICK
She won the Hershey’s Dance Contest. (Agador shakes his head no, no, no)
To dance at half time in the Super Bowl. Agador slumps down and sighs, resigned. Patrick smiles.
AGADOR Yes. Didn’t you hear about it?
DAVE
And there’s no women’s locker room, so we’re lending her the back.
ESTEBAN
Oh. Patrick hands Agador his Flamenco heels. COACH LUNTZ WALKS IN TO SEE HIM IN DRAG, SANS WIG.
LUNTZ Agador?! What the hell are you doing?!
ESTEBAN
Agador?
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Esteban gets up and walks toward Luntz’s voice, between two rows of lockers, no one to stop him. Agador is forced toward the back, panicked again. He lowers his voice about ten octaves.
AGADOR Uh, yes. It is me. Hello!
Esteban is getting closer. Agador is boxed in at the end of a row of lockers. ESTEBAN’S POV AS HE APPROACHES AGADOR’S HIDING SPOT. SUDDENLY AGADOR STICKS HIS HEAD INTO THE AISLE WEARING A HELMET. One arm through a jersey sleeve, he waves Esteban away angrily.
AGADOR You don’t talk to me for fifteen years and you want to talk now, in the middle of the Super Bowl?!
ESTEBAN
(keeps approaching) Well I just thought you might want to
BANG! BANG! Agador pounds the other side of the lockers and turns his head as if looking at the Princess. His helmet hides his mouth.
AGADOR (IN PRINCESS VOICE) Señor Lorca! Can I talk to you for a moment? Over here.
Esteban walks between a break in the lockers to look down the other side. The Princess sticks her head out this side, a naked shoulder with her. Esteban spins around.
ESTEBAN Princess, excuse me!
PRINCESS
I’m changing. You don’t mind waiting at the other end, do you?
ESTEBAN
Of course not. (moves away)
What’s Agador doing down there?
PRINCESS He’s helping me change.
Patrick gives Esteban a knowing shrug.
PATRICK You know how they are.
Esteban is at the far end of the lockers now. He passes to the other side again.
ESTEBAN Agador, how do you know the Princess?
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Agador pops out, wearing the helmet.
AGADOR ... We met in the Hershey’s club.
ESTEBAN
You know Isabella, I can’t believe you’re dancing and you didn’t get a hold of me.
Agador turns his head “towards Isabella.”
AGADOR He’s right. That wasn’t very thoughtful.
Esteban passes over to look down the other aisle. Agador ducks behind and pulls off his helmet. He’s got no idea what to say! ESTEBAN’S POV as the Princess sticks her head out, tossing a quick annoyed look “back towards Agador.”
PRINCESS I knew you would be at the Super Bowl. I wanted it to be a surprise.
Esteban nods and passes back to the other side.
ESTEBAN Agador. Perhaps we can talk later?
There’s Agador in the helmet.
AGADOR I’d like that.
His hand comes up to scratch his chin, BUT IT’S IN THE RED DRESS SLEEVE! Esteban reacts. Agador realizes. The hand suddenly becomes “the Princess’s”. It grabs his helmet and yanks him back out of sight!
AGADOR (OC) (Princess voice)
I thought you were helping me! (Agador voice)
I was talking to my father! (Princess)
For God’s sake Agador... (Agador, at a loss)
Yes? (Princess)
... Do I have too much rouge? (Agador)
I don’t think that’s your color. (Princess)
Then help me find my color! (Agador)
Okay!
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The situation deteriorating, Patrick signals to various players, who spring into motion.
DAVE Look at the time! Princess, you have to go! Let us escort you.
Tommy puts Agador’s jersey and helmet on. A group surrounds them and they move together as they make for the door. Esteban tries to get close, but still more players get “accidentally” in his way.
ESTEBAN Excuse me... Excuse me...
He follows Agador and Entourage into THE HALLWAY. He hurries after them. They hurry away from him. Esteban gives up.
ESTEBAN Good luck Isabella!
Agador waves back at Esteban AND STUMBLES IN HIS HEELS.
ESTEBAN We’ll talk later, Agador?
Tommy waves back. INT. TEXAS STADIUM – MOVEABLE STAGE - EVENING AT THE FOOT OF THE STAGE, ARMAND AND ALBERT DRAW X’S AND O’S IN A PATCH OF DIRT AS THE PLAYERS NOD. The Cowgirls surround Albert.
AGADOR (OC) You can’t make me. I’m not ready!
THE MIAMI SOUND MACHINE sit at their instruments, sans Gloria. JUDY is talking to the KEYBOARD PLAYER.
JUDY Yeah, Gloria’s running a little late. He’s just covering for a few minutes. She. She.
INT. GLORIA’S DRESSING ROOM - SAME TASHJIAN AND THE SHIRT ADVICE SEEKING PLAYER ARE BLOCKING THE DOOR, PREVENTING A FRUSTRATED GLORIA ESTEFAN FROM LEAVING. THE STADIUM THE STADIUM LIGHTS DIM.
ANNOUNCER (OVER PA) Ladies and Gentleman! There’s been a special addition to our half-time program. Let’s give a warm, Dallas welcome for... Isabella.
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A SPOT HITS AN EMPTY CENTER STAGE. THE PLAYERS PUSH AGADOR INTO THE SPOTLIGHT. HE, PERFECT IN HIS FULL FLAMENCO REGALIA. He looks at the crowd, apprehensive. WE HEAR A DRAMATIC SPANISH GUITAR CHORD. AGADOR strikes his best pose AND STOMPS HIS HEEL. The guitar kicks in and Agador dances, heels clacking expertly. MORE SPOTLIGHTS REVEAL A NERVOUS PATRICK, DAVE, GIBBONS, AND TOMMY. UP THERE WITH AGADOR, DANCING! COACH JOHNSON is dumbstruck. JUAN AND RIGO RUN DOWN AND JOIN ESTEBAN UP-FRONT FOR A CLOSER LOOK. THE COWGIRLS clap with the music as THE COWBOYS spin Agador, catch him and pull him away from each other in mock jealousy. Their simple steps and Agador’s moves give the impression of a well-choreographed spectacle. ALBERT AND ARMAND ARE AT THE FOOT OF THE STAGE, GIVING THE PLAYERS SIGNALS on how to hold themselves and dance like professionals. Images of the dancing are projected over the Diamond Vision board. People in the stadium are riveted to their seats. ESTEBAN, at the front rail, watches Isabella’s moves with the eye of the professional, and the heart-in-mouth concern of a close friend. THE DANCE picks up tempo. Under Albert and Armand’s direction, the players’ movements and actions become more complex. Tommy and Patrick click their cleats on the stage to match and answer the rhythms that Agador throws out to them like a taunt or a challenge. AN ANGRY GLORIA ESTEFAN STORMS INTO THE STADIUM, an abashed Tashjian trailing her. She watches Agador, arms crossed. Agador crescendos and comes to a glorious and graceful finish to the final guitar note. THE STADIUM GIVES ISABELLA AND HIS CO-DANCERS A THUNDEROUS STANDING OVATION. ESTEBAN AND THE BARBERS ARE ON THEIR FEET, APPLAUDING. PATRICK AND THE OTHER PLAYERS are smiling. JUDY is standing at the foot of the stage, smiling at Patrick. Their eyes meet. She’s proud of what he’s done for Agador. AGADOR stares at the applauding crowds, happy. But as the applause continues, his smile fades. MANY OF THOSE APPLAUDING ARE THE SAME PEOPLE WHO BOOED HIM BEFORE. His father is applauding. But not for him. For Isabella. Agador looks around the stadium. HIS EYES SETTLE ON ALBERT, WATCHING HIM WITH PRIDE. He looks at the players on stage with him. HE SPEAKS TO THE PLAYERS.
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AGADOR Thank you.
Then he looks directly at his father. HE TAKES OFF HIS WIG AND STARTS WIPING OFF HIS MAKEUP. ON THE DIAMOND VISION, HIS IMAGE IS EIGHTY FEET TALL. The applause fades, until it stops altogether.
AGADOR (OVER PA) It is I: Esteban Lorca Jr. Agador!
ESTEBAN AND THE BARBERS ARE FROZEN IN MID-APPLAUSE. GLORIA ESTEFAN is surprised. After an extended silence, one person starts to clap. A few join in. Then dozens. Then hundreds. Then thousands. NOW THE WHOLE STADIUM IS STAMPING THEIR FEET AND APPLAUDING, the few die-hard Agador haters completely overwhelmed. A BLUE-HAIRED BARBARA BUSH LOOKALIKE GRABS A “DUMP AGADOR” SIGN, THROWS IT DOWN AND DOES A FLAMENCO ON IT. AGADOR is deeply touched by the audience’s display of affection. THEN HE SEES ESTEBAN. LEAVING THE STADIUM. Agador let’s him go. He accepts that he must go. He looks at his fellow players, at his friends, and at the crowds. And bows gratefully to those who accept him. The Miami Sound Machine kicks into “Coming Out of the Dark” and Gloria Estefan steps onto stage. Agador starts off but Gloria tosses him a mike. HE AND GLORIA SING TOGETHER.
CUT TO: The second half. The Cowboys have hit their stride. They’ve become the well-oiled machine they were always meant to be. FANS CHEER THEM ON. AGADOR sits on the bench cheering, their number one fan. It’s back and forth. The Cowboys score, then Pittsburgh
CUT TO: THE SCOREBOARD. 15 seconds left in the game, Cowboys trail by 2. The Cowboys have the ball. There’s the snap. ON THE SIDELINES, Agador’s attention is on the game when a hand lands on his shoulder. He turns to see ESTEBAN. Agador stands. A moment of silence passes between them.
ESTEBAN You do have strong thighs. But you could still push a little harder from the calf.
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AGADOR
I’ll work on it.
ESTEBAN I think your mother would have been proud of you today.
Before Esteban can say anything more, a collective groan rises from the Cowboy fans. Agador and Esteban turn. The Cowboys quarterback has been sacked. Coach Johnson is having trouble making a decision. Take a risk on a winning field goal or risk the play?
COACH LUNTZ It’s fourth and five.
COACH JOHNSON
It’s sixty-five yards.
COACH LUNTZ We’re out of time.
THE SCOREBOARD – THE CLOCK IS STOPPED AT 0:08.
COACH JOHNSON (hates to do it)
Lorca. Agador looks at his father.
ESTEBAN Go, go.
Agador takes the field to kick. The crowd is hushed. The ball is snapped to Theron as Agador starts his run. BUT THERON FUMBLES IT! EVERYONE GOES FOR IT. AGADOR SCOOPS IT UP. He looks up. The Steelers steamroll over Theron’s body, and head straight for him! HE PANICS AND RUNS THE WRONG WAY AGAIN! The team panics, yelling at him to turn around as they block for him. Suddenly he cuts back, gaining control of himself. He makes a mad dash up the sidelines. But there’s a lot of Steel in the way. A BARE-CHESTED, CREW-CUT, WAR-PAINTED COWBOYS FAN grabs the “HOMO GO HOME” sign from the Anti-Fan. INT. BAR IN NEPAL VAL, BARBARA AND A ROOMFUL OF SHERPAS WILDLY CHEERING AGADOR’S RUN!
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TEXAS STADIUM THE FILM SLOWS AND GLORIA ESTEFAN’S MUSIC FILLS THE SOUNDTRACK AGADOR PUSHES ON. HIS TEAMMATES BLOCK ONE PLAYER AFTER ANOTHER. STADIUM STILL IN SLOW MOTION: THE CROWD CHEERS, SCREAMS, GESTURES. THE COWGIRLS BOUNCE AND CHEER! THE WAR-PAINTED COWBOYS FAN RUNS ALONG THE SIDELINES HOLDING UP THE SIGN, CHANGED TO READ: “GO HOMO!” Agador jumps over a flattened opponent, sidesteps a defender, leaps and lands, arm outstretched with the ball just inside the end zone. TOUCHDOWN! The clock zeros out. The Cowboys are champion! THERON is the first one to reach Agador. He stares at Agador amazed. He holds out his hand, then just hugs him. COACH JOHNSON is punching the air with the thrill of victory.
COACH JOHNSON I LOVE YOU! GODDAMN IT, I LOVE YOU!
The rest of the team runs up to Agador and mobs him. EXT. DALLAS STREET - THE COWBOYS VICTORY PARADE - DAY Cowgirls lead the parade with their patented moves. AT THE FRONT OF THE PARADE IS A FLOAT IN THE SHAPE OF A GIANT FOOTBALL WITH A THRONE ON TOP. Agador sits on the throne, in a purple robe, flowers across his lap, waving at the crowds. ESTEBAN STANDS IN THE CROWD with JUAN AND RIGO. He waves. AGADOR SEES SOMEONE SPECIAL AND BLOWS A KISS. IT’S ANTONIO, IN A PINK FISHNET TANK TOP. He catches the kiss and blows it back. ESTEBAN SPOTS THE EXCHANGE AND FREEZES. ON THE FLOAT, Armand and Albert place a gold crown on Agador. Agador smiles, waving his bejeweled scepter at the crowd. Undisputed Queen of the NFL.
THE END