Presents

Monty Pythonrsquos Spamalot

(The Musical)

Audition Information Auditions are

Saturday July 13th 900 AM ndash 500 PM

Sunday July 14th 1200 PM ndash 500 PM

Call Backs are Monday July 15th 700PM ndash 1000PM (if needed)

Auditions open to ActorsSingersDancers 18 years and older

Show dates

Nov 15 16 22 23 29 30 2013 at 8pm

Nov 17 24 amp Dec 1 2013 at 2pm

You can sign up online for an audition slot

at

httpwwwmponstagecomregistration

or

e-mail us at Auditionmponstagecom

or

Call (609) 882-2292

MP Onstage Inc

INDEX

1 Introduction

2 Character Info

3 Important Audition Info (Please Read Carefully)

4 Audition Form

5 Conflict Calendar

6 Plot Synopsis

7 Audition Scenes

Auditions for

Monty Pythons Spamalot The Tony Award Winning Musical

Maurer Productions OnStage the company that brought you the Perry award winning Elton John and Tim Rices AIDA Dirty Rotten Scoundrels The Drowsy Chaperone and last seasons hit ldquoAvenue Qrdquo is holding open auditions for its upcoming Musical production of Monty Pythonrsquos Spamalot on July 13th from 9AM to 5PM and July 14th from 12PM to 5PM

lsquoSpamalotrsquo tells the legendary tale of King Arthurrsquos quest to find the Holy Grail However diverting a bit from the true story this hilarious musical features such oddities as a line of beautiful dancing girls a flatulent Frenchmen and killer rabbits Outside there is plague with a 50 chance of pestilence and famine Throughout the show Arthur traveling with his servant Patsy recruits several knights to accompany him on his quest including Sir Bedevere Sir Robin Sir Lancelot and Sir Galahad Besides the rabbits and farting Frenchman they meet such characters as the Lady of the Lake Prince Herbert Tim the Enchanter Not Dead Fred the Black Knight and the Knights who say Ni

Many characters play multiple roles

This production will be presented at Kelsey Theatre on the West Windsor campus of Mercer County Community College The show will include 16-20 Actors who will play over 40 roles and will require a dance core of both men and women The production will be directed by John M Maurer Musical Directed by Laurie Gougher choreographed by Jane Coult

If you have questions please contact us at infomponstagecom Or call 609 882-2292

MP Onstage Inc

INDEX

1 Introduction

2 Character Info

3 Important Audition Info (Please Read Carefully)

4 Audition Form

5 Conflict Calendar

6 Plot Synopsis

7 Audition Scenes

Auditions for

Monty Pythons Spamalot The Tony Award Winning Musical

Maurer Productions OnStage the company that brought you the Perry award winning Elton John and Tim Rices AIDA Dirty Rotten Scoundrels The Drowsy Chaperone and last seasons hit ldquoAvenue Qrdquo is holding open auditions for its upcoming Musical production of Monty Pythonrsquos Spamalot on July 13th from 9AM to 5PM and July 14th from 12PM to 5PM

lsquoSpamalotrsquo tells the legendary tale of King Arthurrsquos quest to find the Holy Grail However diverting a bit from the true story this hilarious musical features such oddities as a line of beautiful dancing girls a flatulent Frenchmen and killer rabbits Outside there is plague with a 50 chance of pestilence and famine Throughout the show Arthur traveling with his servant Patsy recruits several knights to accompany him on his quest including Sir Bedevere Sir Robin Sir Lancelot and Sir Galahad Besides the rabbits and farting Frenchman they meet such characters as the Lady of the Lake Prince Herbert Tim the Enchanter Not Dead Fred the Black Knight and the Knights who say Ni

Many characters play multiple roles

This production will be presented at Kelsey Theatre on the West Windsor campus of Mercer County Community College The show will include 16-20 Actors who will play over 40 roles and will require a dance core of both men and women The production will be directed by John M Maurer Musical Directed by Laurie Gougher choreographed by Jane Coult

If you have questions please contact us at infomponstagecom Or call 609 882-2292

Auditions for

Monty Pythons Spamalot The Tony Award Winning Musical

Maurer Productions OnStage the company that brought you the Perry award winning Elton John and Tim Rices AIDA Dirty Rotten Scoundrels The Drowsy Chaperone and last seasons hit ldquoAvenue Qrdquo is holding open auditions for its upcoming Musical production of Monty Pythonrsquos Spamalot on July 13th from 9AM to 5PM and July 14th from 12PM to 5PM

lsquoSpamalotrsquo tells the legendary tale of King Arthurrsquos quest to find the Holy Grail However diverting a bit from the true story this hilarious musical features such oddities as a line of beautiful dancing girls a flatulent Frenchmen and killer rabbits Outside there is plague with a 50 chance of pestilence and famine Throughout the show Arthur traveling with his servant Patsy recruits several knights to accompany him on his quest including Sir Bedevere Sir Robin Sir Lancelot and Sir Galahad Besides the rabbits and farting Frenchman they meet such characters as the Lady of the Lake Prince Herbert Tim the Enchanter Not Dead Fred the Black Knight and the Knights who say Ni

Many characters play multiple roles

This production will be presented at Kelsey Theatre on the West Windsor campus of Mercer County Community College The show will include 16-20 Actors who will play over 40 roles and will require a dance core of both men and women The production will be directed by John M Maurer Musical Directed by Laurie Gougher choreographed by Jane Coult

If you have questions please contact us at infomponstagecom Or call 609 882-2292

Auditions Monty Pythonrsquos Spamalot

DateTime Saturday 07132013 - 900am - 500pm amp Sunday 07142013 - 1200pm - 500pm Call Backs will be Monday 07152013 ndash 700 pm to 1000pm Location Mercer County Community College West Windsor Campus

Company Maurer Productions OnStage Inc

Director John M Maurer Music Director Laurie Gougher

ProducerFinance Diana Gilman Maurer ProducerMarketing Dan Maurer

Stage Manager Diana Maurer Photographer Rob Gougher Props Dottie Farina

Choreographer Jane Coult Master Carpenter Jeff Cantor Costumes Mark Applegate

ROLES AVAILABLE (16- 20 Adults) PRODUCTION NOTE In keeping with Monty Python tradition most of the

actors in Spamalot will play multiple roles These roles may not necessarily

correspond with the gender or age of the actoractress

The ages listed below are stage ages Minimum physical age to audition is 18 years old

KING ARTHUR Male 30 ndash 55 BARITONE King of the Britons Has trouble counting to three

LADY OF THE LAKE Female 25 - 45 ALTO A Diva Strong beautiful possesses mystical powers Confident

and Alluring

SIR ROBIN Male 25 ndash 35 BARITONE Called Sir Robin the Brave but couldnt be more cowardly

Joins the Knights for the singing and dancing

SIR LANCELOT Male 25 ndash 35 BARITONE He is fearless to a bloody fault but through a twist of fate does

discover his softer side

PATSY Male 25 ndash 45 BARITONE King Arthurs servant and horse Underappreciated but always

longing for King Arthurs approval

SIR BEDEVERE Male 30 ndash 45 BARITONE The Strangely Flatulent An inept scholar

SIR GALAHAD Male 25 ndash 35 TENOR Begins as Dennis a lower class mud gatherer transforms into

the dashing Sir Galahad

PRINCE HERBERT Male 20 ndash 35 TENOR The hopeful and frilly prince who loves to sing and pines for his

love atop a tower

FEMALE ENSEMBLE (4 ndash 6) Female 20 ndash 30 ALL RANGES Laker Girls Ladies in Waiting among others

MALE ENSEMBLE (4 ndash 6) Male 20 - 30 ALL RANGES Knights of the round table French people among others

NOTE The following supporting roles may be doubled by principal actors or played by members of the ensemble the Historian Mayor of Mooseville Not Dead Fred Brother Maynard Sir Bors French Taunters Knights of Ni Tim the Enchanter The Black Knight Assorted French

people Prince Herbertrsquos Father confused guards etchellip

Accents needed in this show

English French Scottish Funny

Important Audition Info (Please Read Carefully) What You Need to Know for the Audition

1 In order to book an audition appointment you must register online with our CastMe system by visiting httpwwwmponstagecomregistration and following the instructions Once you have created an account on the CastMe system you must upload your resume and headshot as well as any additional information you feel would be appropriate and helpful in the casting process A series of online video tutorials are available to help you with the registration process

2 Once you have created an account on the CastMe system you should log-in to the system and sign up for an audition appointment If you canrsquot access the website or if you have any problems signing up you can call (609) 882-2292 or email us at mailtoauditionmponstagecom to schedule an audition time If all audition slots are full or you are not available during the posted audition times and you still wish to audition for the show please call and we will try to set up another time for you to audition Walks-ins are always welcome and will be seen as time permits but an appointment is recommended

3 After registering with CastMe and booking your audition appointment you must then complete the audition application and conflicts calendar contained in this packet You must bring your printed copies of your completed application and conflicts calendar along with a printed copy of your sheet music to the audition Also if you do not upload your headshot (or recent photo) into the CastMe system a quick snapshot will be taken of you at the audition and put into the system

4 ACTINGhellip All actors are required to audition with one of the monologues provided Prepare the one that is closest to the roles you are looking for Please read using the accent listed for the role We may ask you to give us your best Scottish and French accent so be prepared You may be asked to read from any of the monologues or with another person

5 SINGINGhellip Please prepare an entire up-tempo musical theater song for the audition Pick a song that best shows off your voice Additional vocalizing may also be a part of your audition to determine vocal range and harmonizing skills A pianist will be provided no recorded accompaniment or a capella auditions are permitted You must bring a printed copy of the sheet music even if you are singing a song from the show

6 DANCINGhellip All Characters in this show are required to dance All auditioners will be required to learn a short dance number which may include tap Jazz tap or character shoes are recommended for the audition All auditioners are requested to wear comfortable clothes for the dance audition that will allow for movement

NOTE This show will require a dance corps that does not necessarily need to sing If you

would like to be considered for the dance corps you should sign up for an audition time in the

first hour of each audition day You will be taught a more difficult dance combination and

will be given the option of performing a songmonologue or simply vocalizing with the music

director

7 Actors must arrive at least 10 minutes before the start of their audition time The audition process may last 30 to 60 minutes During that time the actors whether individually or in a group will be asked to sing act dance and fill out paperwork

8 If needed call backs will be on Monday July 15 700pm ndash 1000pm

9 The read through will be on Wednesday July 24th from 7pm to 10pm You should expect up to four rehearsals per week three evenings during the week and one weekend afternoon Not all actors will be required for all rehearsals Call sheets will be made available to the cast to tell you which rehearsals you will need to attend However all cast members should plan to be available most evenings for the two weeks before the show opens

10 All cast members are asked to assist with load-in and load-out Load-in occurs on the Sunday evening (November 10th) before opening night and load-out occurs after the last Sunday performance (Dec 1st)

11 Please print and bring with you the following 3 pages

Important Audition Info (Please Read Carefully) What You Need to Know for the Audition

1 In order to book an audition appointment you must register online with our CastMe system by visiting httpwwwmponstagecomregistration and following the instructions Once you have created an account on the CastMe system you must upload your resume and headshot as well as any additional information you feel would be appropriate and helpful in the casting process A series of online video tutorials are available to help you with the registration process

2 Once you have created an account on the CastMe system you should log-in to the system and sign up for an audition appointment If you canrsquot access the website or if you have any problems signing up you can call (609) 882-2292 or email us at mailtoauditionmponstagecom to schedule an audition time If all audition slots are full or you are not available during the posted audition times and you still wish to audition for the show please call and we will try to set up another time for you to audition Walks-ins are always welcome and will be seen as time permits but an appointment is recommended

3 After registering with CastMe and booking your audition appointment you must then complete the audition application and conflicts calendar contained in this packet You must bring your printed copies of your completed application and conflicts calendar along with a printed copy of your sheet music to the audition Also if you do not upload your headshot (or recent photo) into the CastMe system a quick snapshot will be taken of you at the audition and put into the system

4 ACTINGhellip All actors are required to audition with one of the monologues provided Prepare the one that is closest to the roles you are looking for Please read using the accent listed for the role We may ask you to give us your best Scottish and French accent so be prepared You may be asked to read from any of the monologues or with another person

5 SINGINGhellip Please prepare an entire up-tempo musical theater song for the audition Pick a song that best shows off your voice Additional vocalizing may also be a part of your audition to determine vocal range and harmonizing skills A pianist will be provided no recorded accompaniment or a capella auditions are permitted You must bring a printed copy of the sheet music even if you are singing a song from the show

6 DANCINGhellip All Characters in this show are required to dance All auditioners will be required to learn a short dance number which may include tap Jazz tap or character shoes are recommended for the audition All auditioners are requested to wear comfortable clothes for the dance audition that will allow for movement

NOTE This show will require a dance corps that does not necessarily need to sing If you

would like to be considered for the dance corps you should sign up for an audition time in the

first hour of each audition day You will be taught a more difficult dance combination and

will be given the option of performing a songmonologue or simply vocalizing with the music

director

7 Actors must arrive at least 10 minutes before the start of their audition time The audition process may last 30 to 60 minutes During that time the actors whether individually or in a group will be asked to sing act dance and fill out paperwork

8 If needed call backs will be on Monday July 15 700pm ndash 1000pm

9 The read through will be on Wednesday July 24th from 7pm to 10pm You should expect up to four rehearsals per week three evenings during the week and one weekend afternoon Not all actors will be required for all rehearsals Call sheets will be made available to the cast to tell you which rehearsals you will need to attend However all cast members should plan to be available most evenings for the two weeks before the show opens

10 All cast members are asked to assist with load-in and load-out Load-in occurs on the Sunday evening (November 10th) before opening night and load-out occurs after the last Sunday performance (Dec 1st)

11 Please print and bring with you the following 3 pages

Maurer Productions OnStage Inc ______________ wwwmponstagecom Do not write on this line

The Spamalot Audition Form

Name_______________________________________________________________________________________________ Address _____________________________________________________________________________________________ Home Phone _______________________ Work Phone _______________________ Cell Phone _____________________ Email Address 1 _____________________________________________________________________________________ Email Address 2 ______________________________________________________________________________________ Sex ________________________ Age Range _________________________ Date of Birth (month amp day)______________ Height _____________________ Photo is Attached Yes No

PERSONAL

What Role(s) are you Auditioning for______________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________

ROLE

My Resume is Attached Yes No (If no resume see below)

My Resume is Online Yes No My Acting Singing and Dancing Experience Includes (List Shows roles dates etc) _________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Background

Voice (Circle One) Soprano Alto Tenor Baritone Bass Vocal Range ______________________________________ Years of Formal Voice Study ________ Years of Formal Acting Study ________ Years of Formal Dance Study ________ How Do You Rate Your Dance Skills ______________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ Are You Currently Studying Acting Singing or Dancing If so wherewith whom___________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ Do You Read Music Yes No Have You Studied an Instrument Yes No List Special Skills (eg Juggling magic unicycle riding play band instrument etc) ___________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________

SKILLS

List All Conflicts on the Following Calendars including holidays

July

Sun Mon Tues Wed Thur Fri Sat

21 22 23

24 25 26 27 Readthough

August (rehearsal Starts)

Sun Mon Tues Wed Thur Fri Sat

25 26 27

28 29 30 31

September

Sun Mon Tues Wed Thur Fri Sat

1 2 3

4 5 6 7

8 9 10 11 12 13 14

15 16 17 18 19 20 21

22 23

24 25 26 27 28

29 30 - - - - -

October

Sun Mon Tues Wed Thur Fri Sat

- - 1 2 3 4 5

6 7 8 9 10

11

12

13 14 15 16 17

18 19

20 21

22 23 24 25 26

27

28

29

30

31

- -

Nov

Sun Mon Tues Wed Thur Fri Sat

-

-

-

-

-

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10 Load In

11 Tech Week -------------

12 Tech Week -------------

13 Tech Week -------------

14 Tech Week -------------

15 Performance 8pm

16

Performance 8pm

17 Performance 2pm

18 19 20 Brush Up

21 22 Performance 8pm

23 Performance 8pm

24 Performance 2pm

25

26

27

28 Thanksgiving

29 Performance 8pm

30 Performance 8pm

Dec 1 Performance 2pm amp Loadout

SYNOPSIS Monty Pythonrsquos Spamalot The Musical

Act 1

The play begins with a historian giving a brief overview of medieval England An idyllic Scandinavian village appears with gaily dressed Finnish villagers singing and dancing to the Fisch Schlapping Song The Historian returns irritated and tells them he said England not Finland The villagers disperse and the pastoral forest is immediately replaced by a dreary dark village with penitent monks in hooded robes chanting Latin prayers and hitting themselves in the face with wooden boards King Arthur travels the land with his servant Patsy (King Arthurs Song) trying to recruit Knights of the Round Table to join him in Camelot and his quest for the Holy Grail He encounters various strange people including a pair of sentries who are more interested in debating whether two swallows could successfully carry a coconut than in guarding their castles Sir Robin and Sir Lancelot meet as they attempt to dispose of the sickly Not Dead Fred (He Is Not Dead Yet) They agree to become Knights of the Round Table together Meanwhile Arthur attempts to convince a peasant named Dennis Galahad that he (Arthur) is king of England because the Lady of the Lake gave him Excalibur the sword given only to the man fit to rule England However Dennis and his mother Mrs Galahad are political radicals and deny that any king who has not been elected by the people has any legitimate right to rule over them To settle the issue Arthur has the Lady of the Lake and her Laker Girls appear to turn Dennis into a knight (Come With Me) Cheered on by the girls (Laker Girls Cheer) the Lady of the Lake turns Dennis into Sir Galahad and together they sing a generic Broadway love song (The Song That Goes Like This) Together with Sir Bedevere and Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Show (a knight resembling Don Quixote who promptly apologizes and then leaves) they make up the Knights of the Round Table (All for One) The five knights gather in Camelot a deliberately anachronistic place resembling Las Vegass Camelot-inspired Excalibur resort complete with showgirls and oversized dice (Knights of the Round Table The Song That Goes Like This (Reprise)) In the midst of their revelry they are contacted by God (voiced by Eric Idle) who tells them to locate the Holy Grail Urged on by the Lady of the Lake (Find Your Grail) the Knights set off They are viciously taunted by lewd French soldiers at a castle they come to and attempt to retaliate by sending them a large wooden rabbit in the style of the Trojan Horse however they realize after the fact that it was not as simple as leaving the rabbit and walking away - they were supposed to be inside of it Defeated they leave in a hurry when the French begin throwing various barnyard animals - including cows - at them (Run Away)

Act 2 Sir Robin and his minstrels follow King Arthur and Patsy into a dark and very expensive forest where they are separated King Arthur meets the Knights who say Ni who demand a shrubbery King Arthur despairs of finding one but Patsy cheers him up (Always Look on the Bright Side of Life) and they find a shrubbery shortly after The Knights accept it but next demand that King Arthur put on a musical and bring it to Broadway The Black Knight appears but King Arthur more or less defeats him by cutting off both his arms and legs impaling his still-alive torso on a door and leaving to find Sir Robin Sir Robin after wandering the forest for some time (Brave Sir Robin) finds King Arthur and insists that it would be imposs ible for them to accomplish this next task (You Wont Succeed on Broadway) King Arthur and Patsy promptly set off in search of Jews While the Lady of the Lake laments her lack of stage time (The Divas Lament) Sir Lancelot receives a letter from wha t he assumes is a young damsel in distress He is a little surprised to find that the damsel is actually an effeminate young man named Herbert (Where Are You Here Are You) whose overbearing music -hating father the king is forcing him into an arranged marriage Lancelot advocates for Herbert after the king returns and Lancelot is outed as a homosexual in the process (His Name Is Lancelot) King Arthur begins to give up hope of ever putting on the Broadway musical and laments that he is alone e ven though Patsy has been with him the entire time (Im All Alone) The Lady of the Lake appears and tells Arthur that he and the Knights have been in a Broadway musical all along All thats left is for King Arthur to find the Grail and marry someone After picking up on some not-too-subtle hints Arthur decides to marry the Lady of the Lake after he finds the Grail (Twice In Every Show) Reunited with his Knights Arthur meets Tim the Enchanter who warns them of the danger of an evil rabbit When the rabbit bites a knights head off Arthur uses the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch against it knocking down a nearby hill and revealing that the evil rabbit was actually a puppet controlled by a surprised puppeteer A large stone block showing a combination of letters and numbers is also revealed After pondering the final clue Arthur admits that theyre a bit stumped with the clue thing and asks God to give them a hand The grail is found Arthur marries the Lady of the Lake (who reveals that her name is Guinevere) Lancelot marries Herbert and Sir Robin decides to pursue a career in musical theatre (Act 2 Finale Always Look on the Bright Side of Life (Company Bow))

SCENES

All actors must audition with one of the monologues below If there isnrsquot a monologue for the part

you are trying out for just pick one from below Some of the parts are Gender Neutral

Historian MaleFemale (English professor look)

England 932 AD A Kingdom divided To the West the Anglo Saxons to the East the French Above

nothing but Celts and some people from Scotland In Gwynned Powys and Dyfed - Plague In the

kingdoms of Wessex Sussex and Essex and Kent - Plague In Mercia and the two Anglias - Plague with

a 50 chance of pestilence and famine coming out of the Northeast at twelve miles per hour Legend tells

of an extraordinary leader who arose from the chaos to unite a troubled kingdom A man with a vision

who gathered Knights together in a Holy Quest This man was Arthur King of the Britons And so King

Arthur gathered more Knights together bringing from all the corners of the Kingdom the strongest and

bravest in the land to sit at the Round Table The strangely flatulent Sir Bedevere the dashingly

handsome Sir Galahad the homicidally brave Sir Lancelot Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-

Lancelot who slew the vicious chicken of Bristol and who personally wet himself at the Battle of

Badon Hill And the aptly named Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-show Together they formed a band whose

names and deeds were to be retold throughout the Centuries The Knights of the Round Table

Arthur King of the Britons Male

Hail good sir I am Arthur king of the Britons lord and ruler of all of England and Scotland

and even tiny little bits of Gaul We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of

knights to join me in my court at Camelot I must speak with your lord and master (listens) hellip He is

busyhellip Good Sir we have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land through the kingdom of

Mercia through (interrupted) What No I donrsquot have and appointmenthellip No I canrsquot come back

laterhellipWill you tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is herehellip No I donrsquot want to

Tweet him you twithellip I want to know if he will join my court at Camelot Never mind (turning to a

person on the ground near him)You old woman Oh sorry man who lives in that castle over hellip

(interrupted) what Look I did say I was sorry about the old woman thing but really from behind you do

look like never mindhellip look I am your king and I order you hellip yes King No no one voted for me

As I rode forth from Camelot I saw a lady in the lake No Not dead She was the Lady of the Lake

She lives in the lake She appeared to me out of the bosom of the water Her arm clad in the purest

shimmering samite holding aloft Excalibur (draws sword and holds it aloft) signifying by Divine

Providence that I Arthur was to carry Excalibur That is why I am your King Its not just an ordinary

sword How many swords have their own names hellipDo you think I could make that up hellip Very well

since you dont believe me I will prove to you that the Lady of the Lake exists (On his knee) 0 Lady of

the Lake please reveal to this doubting Thomas what oh very well please reveal to this doubting

ldquoDennisrdquo that you are real

French Taunter Male (could be played by a women)

Allo Who is it what do you want This is the castle of my master Guy de Loimbard The French

bastard Hohellip so you want him to help you find the holy grail Well Ill ask him but I dont think hell

be very keen Hes already got one you see Oh yes its very nice(Aside) Hey I told him we already got

one Nohellip you can not see ithellipyou are English bed-wetting types and Im French Why do you think I

have this outrageous accent you silly kingOhhh You dont frighten us English pig-dogs Go and boil

your bottoms sons of a silly person I blow my nose at you so called Arthur-king you and all your silly

English knnnniggets I dont want to talk to you no more you empty headed animal food trough wipers

I fart in your general direction Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries Now go

away or I shall taunt you a second time No there is not one else to speak to you son of a window-dresser

I wave my private parts at your aunties you tinybrained wipers of other peoples bottoms I burst my

pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing you cheesy lot of second-hand electric

donkey bottom biters (Blows a raspberry) Thppt Oh no Oh gee We are so scared Oh hey did I

mention before to you Thhppt

Lady of the Lake Female

But youre not alone Arthur Havent you noticed Ive been with you all the time Who gave you the

sword who made you King who welcomed you to Camelot who helped you off on your quest Sure

Ive been off stage for far too long but I am here to help you and I always have been and so has Patsy

You see Arthur dear were all here to help each other To complete your quest you must put on a

broadway show and Youve been in a ldquoBroadway -Likerdquo show all the time Now you have to finish the

show It is a musical so you have to find the Grail and end with a wedding Oh but who will you

marryhellip Well it would have to be someone who loved you and cared for you enough to give you a

sword to make you King to welcome you to Camelot to help you off on your quest (listening)hellip

What Me Oh not I couldnrsquothellipOK

Sir Lancelot Male

(enters sword waving having just killed many of the party guests he goes down on one knee) Oh fair one

behold your humble servant Sir Lancelot from the Court of Camelot I have come to take you away

and (looks ups and seersquos it isnrsquot a girl) oh Im sorryhellipI got this note oh your notehellip well yes but I

hadnrsquot realized I thought you were hellip well you know terribly sorry (father enters) Oh this is your

father hellip what most of the wedding guest dead yes well Im very sorry But I can explain everything

I didnt really mean tohellipthe thing is I thought your son was a lady What quite understandable

Well that isnrsquot a very nice thing to say about your own son I mean it really wasnrsquot his fault Please sir

leave him alone This poor little chap is your son sir All he ever wanted was a little love and affection

but did you ever give it to him No no (Becoming emotional) Ill wager you denied him You try to

kill him and worse far worse you try to marry him off to some girl some female that he obviously has

no feelings for whatsoever Yes yes I know a little bit about bullying fathers you bastard Have you no

heart Have you no human tenderness Cant you see that all hes asking for is a little love and

understanding (Almost overcome) Is that too much to ask Is it Too Much To Ask

Brother Maynard Male (could be played by a women)

The Book of Armaments Chapter One Verses Nine through twentyseven And Saint Attila raised the

holy hand grenade up on high saying Oh Lord bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest

blow thine enemies to tiny bits in thy mercy And the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon the

lambs and stoats and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats And the

Lord spake saying First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin Then shalt thou count to three no more no

less Three shall be the number thou shalt count and the number of the counting shalt be three Four shalt

thou not count nor neither count thou two excepting that thou then proceed to three Five is right out

Once the number three being the third number be reached then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade of

Antioch towards thy foe who being naughty in my sight shall snuff it Amen And now the

Congregation shall rise and sing Hymn 101 Get Your Hand Off My Knee You Dirty Old Bastard

Tim The Enchanter Male (could be played by a women) Heavy Scottish accent

Greetings King Arthur Yes I know your name I am an enchanterhellip there are some who call mehellip Tim

You seek the Holy Grail Only the bravest will find it Below me lies the cave of Caerbannog wherein

carved upon the very living rock there be a clue which shall lead ye directly to your goal But think well

before you step into this cave for the entrance way is guarded by a beast so foul so cruel no man yet has

fought this evil beast and lived So be you warned brave knights for death awaits you all with nasty great

big pointy teeth (demonstrates nasty pointy teeth) Wait Too late There it is Cringe you mortals at the

site of hellip No no not behind the rabbithellip It is the Rabbit Look this is no ordinary rabbit This is the

most foul cruel and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on He wonrsquot just nibble your bum This

rabbits got a vicious streak a mile wide Its a killer Itll do you up a treat mate Look Im warning you

(Watching the rabbit carnage) Not so brave now are you I warned you Oh but you knew it all didnt

you Oh its just a harmless little bunny isnt it Well its always the same I always tell them but they

never ever ever listen (exits)

The following monologues are not from Spamalot but are from other Monty Python

projects and follow the same style If none of the monologues above fit the part you are

looking for you may also use any of these to audition with

DEAD PARROT SKETCH MaleFemale (English accent)

Now look mate Ive definitely ad enough of this That parrot is definitely deceased and when I purchased it

not Alf an hour ago you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein tired and shagged out

following a prolonged squawk (beat) PININ for the FJORDS What kind of talk is that look why

did he fall flat on his back the moment I got im home (beat) Es not pinin Es passed on This parrot is no

more He has ceased to be Es expired and gone to meet is maker Es a stiff Bereft of life e rests in

peace If you hadnt nailed im to the perch ed be pushing up the daisies Is metabolic processes are now

istory Es off the twig Es kicked the bucket es shuffled off is mortal coil run down the curtain and

joined the bleedin choir in the vestibule THIS IS AN EX-PARROT

EXECUTIVE INTRO MaleFemale (English accent)

Announcer Congratulations on buying the executive version of this record You have chosen wisely and we

value your discerning taste in deciding to pay the few extra pence for a product of real quality Everything on

this record has been designed to meet the exacting standards which you have naturally come to expect The

record itself is made from the very finest Colombian extruded polyvinyl The center hole has been created to

fit exactly onto your spindle with all the precision of finest Swiss craftsmanship The audio content has been

quality graded to give you the finest in listening pleasure There is little or no offensive material apart from

four cunts one clitoris and a foreskin And as they only occur in this opening introduction youre past them

now You can relax and enjoy this quality product secure in the knowledge that it has been specially created

for the lover of fine things and the man of good taste (He farts or belches loudly) Oh Sorry You can edit

that out cant you

FILM PREMIER MaleFemale (English accent)

Announcer Hello and welcome to Old Compton Street its a mild night here warm for early April and a

large crowd has gathered outside to watch this great gala night for the stars The cars are arriving quite fast

now heres a beautiful Rolls Royce Silver Corniche all white sliding gracefully up to the doors of the

cinema Commissioner Alf Venables ex-father of Terry steps forward opens the door and out steps a

radiant Miss Taylor herself looking absolutely stunning and off the shoulder organza and silk dress and next

comes Burt Reynolds in a huge red Ferrari sports car and My God Burt Reynolds has run into the back of

the Corniche and Miss Taylor turns and makes a splendid gesture (car screeching) Great heavens Its Steve

McQueen whose 18-gear Daytona special has somersaulted through the air and plowed into the back bumper

of --- And whos this coming through the windscreen of the Miniyes its lovely star Barbara Streisand

flying through the air in a beautiful Bill Gibb creationand shes landed half on Roger Moore looking quite

well and half on Jack Nicholson whos not so well and whos that under the back wheel Itsyes Its Faye

Dunaway No noits Victor Mature in the blazing chaos--- Yes all the stars are here tonightthats Joan

Crawford squashed in between the bonnet Pete Murray and the box office doorand Shirley Temple

battered out of all definition

THE MONEY PROGRAM MaleFemale (English accent)

Announcer Good evening and welcome to The Money Programme Tonight on The Money Programme

were going to look at money Lots of it On film and in the studio Some of it in nice piles others in lovely

clanky bits of loose change some of it neatly counted into fat little hundreds (starting to get excited) delicate

fivers stuffed into bulging wallets nice crisp clean checks pert pieces of copper coinage thrust deep into

trouser pockets romantic foreign money rolling against the thigh with rough familiarity (getting carried

away) beautiful wayward curly-cued banknotes filigree copper plating cheek by jowl with tumbling

hexagonal milled edges rubbing gently against the terse leather of beautifully balanced bank books (collects

himself) Im sorry But I love money All money Ive always wanted money(getting worked up again) To

handle To touch The smell of the rain-washed florin The lure of the lira (standing on the desk) The glitter

and the glory of the guinea The romance of the rouble The feel of the franc the heel of the Deutschmark

The cold antiseptic sting of the Swiss franc and the sunburnt splendor of the Australian dollar

List All Conflicts on the Following Calendars including holidays

July

Sun Mon Tues Wed Thur Fri Sat

21 22 23

24 25 26 27 Readthough

August (rehearsal Starts)

Sun Mon Tues Wed Thur Fri Sat

25 26 27

28 29 30 31

September

Sun Mon Tues Wed Thur Fri Sat

1 2 3

4 5 6 7

8 9 10 11 12 13 14

15 16 17 18 19 20 21

22 23

24 25 26 27 28

29 30 - - - - -

October

Sun Mon Tues Wed Thur Fri Sat

- - 1 2 3 4 5

6 7 8 9 10

11

12

13 14 15 16 17

18 19

20 21

22 23 24 25 26

27

28

29

30

31

- -

Nov

Sun Mon Tues Wed Thur Fri Sat

-

-

-

-

-

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10 Load In

11 Tech Week -------------

12 Tech Week -------------

13 Tech Week -------------

14 Tech Week -------------

15 Performance 8pm

16

Performance 8pm

17 Performance 2pm

18 19 20 Brush Up

21 22 Performance 8pm

23 Performance 8pm

24 Performance 2pm

25

26

27

28 Thanksgiving

29 Performance 8pm

30 Performance 8pm

Dec 1 Performance 2pm amp Loadout

SYNOPSIS Monty Pythonrsquos Spamalot The Musical

Act 1

The play begins with a historian giving a brief overview of medieval England An idyllic Scandinavian village appears with gaily dressed Finnish villagers singing and dancing to the Fisch Schlapping Song The Historian returns irritated and tells them he said England not Finland The villagers disperse and the pastoral forest is immediately replaced by a dreary dark village with penitent monks in hooded robes chanting Latin prayers and hitting themselves in the face with wooden boards King Arthur travels the land with his servant Patsy (King Arthurs Song) trying to recruit Knights of the Round Table to join him in Camelot and his quest for the Holy Grail He encounters various strange people including a pair of sentries who are more interested in debating whether two swallows could successfully carry a coconut than in guarding their castles Sir Robin and Sir Lancelot meet as they attempt to dispose of the sickly Not Dead Fred (He Is Not Dead Yet) They agree to become Knights of the Round Table together Meanwhile Arthur attempts to convince a peasant named Dennis Galahad that he (Arthur) is king of England because the Lady of the Lake gave him Excalibur the sword given only to the man fit to rule England However Dennis and his mother Mrs Galahad are political radicals and deny that any king who has not been elected by the people has any legitimate right to rule over them To settle the issue Arthur has the Lady of the Lake and her Laker Girls appear to turn Dennis into a knight (Come With Me) Cheered on by the girls (Laker Girls Cheer) the Lady of the Lake turns Dennis into Sir Galahad and together they sing a generic Broadway love song (The Song That Goes Like This) Together with Sir Bedevere and Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Show (a knight resembling Don Quixote who promptly apologizes and then leaves) they make up the Knights of the Round Table (All for One) The five knights gather in Camelot a deliberately anachronistic place resembling Las Vegass Camelot-inspired Excalibur resort complete with showgirls and oversized dice (Knights of the Round Table The Song That Goes Like This (Reprise)) In the midst of their revelry they are contacted by God (voiced by Eric Idle) who tells them to locate the Holy Grail Urged on by the Lady of the Lake (Find Your Grail) the Knights set off They are viciously taunted by lewd French soldiers at a castle they come to and attempt to retaliate by sending them a large wooden rabbit in the style of the Trojan Horse however they realize after the fact that it was not as simple as leaving the rabbit and walking away - they were supposed to be inside of it Defeated they leave in a hurry when the French begin throwing various barnyard animals - including cows - at them (Run Away)

Act 2 Sir Robin and his minstrels follow King Arthur and Patsy into a dark and very expensive forest where they are separated King Arthur meets the Knights who say Ni who demand a shrubbery King Arthur despairs of finding one but Patsy cheers him up (Always Look on the Bright Side of Life) and they find a shrubbery shortly after The Knights accept it but next demand that King Arthur put on a musical and bring it to Broadway The Black Knight appears but King Arthur more or less defeats him by cutting off both his arms and legs impaling his still-alive torso on a door and leaving to find Sir Robin Sir Robin after wandering the forest for some time (Brave Sir Robin) finds King Arthur and insists that it would be imposs ible for them to accomplish this next task (You Wont Succeed on Broadway) King Arthur and Patsy promptly set off in search of Jews While the Lady of the Lake laments her lack of stage time (The Divas Lament) Sir Lancelot receives a letter from wha t he assumes is a young damsel in distress He is a little surprised to find that the damsel is actually an effeminate young man named Herbert (Where Are You Here Are You) whose overbearing music -hating father the king is forcing him into an arranged marriage Lancelot advocates for Herbert after the king returns and Lancelot is outed as a homosexual in the process (His Name Is Lancelot) King Arthur begins to give up hope of ever putting on the Broadway musical and laments that he is alone e ven though Patsy has been with him the entire time (Im All Alone) The Lady of the Lake appears and tells Arthur that he and the Knights have been in a Broadway musical all along All thats left is for King Arthur to find the Grail and marry someone After picking up on some not-too-subtle hints Arthur decides to marry the Lady of the Lake after he finds the Grail (Twice In Every Show) Reunited with his Knights Arthur meets Tim the Enchanter who warns them of the danger of an evil rabbit When the rabbit bites a knights head off Arthur uses the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch against it knocking down a nearby hill and revealing that the evil rabbit was actually a puppet controlled by a surprised puppeteer A large stone block showing a combination of letters and numbers is also revealed After pondering the final clue Arthur admits that theyre a bit stumped with the clue thing and asks God to give them a hand The grail is found Arthur marries the Lady of the Lake (who reveals that her name is Guinevere) Lancelot marries Herbert and Sir Robin decides to pursue a career in musical theatre (Act 2 Finale Always Look on the Bright Side of Life (Company Bow))

SCENES

All actors must audition with one of the monologues below If there isnrsquot a monologue for the part

you are trying out for just pick one from below Some of the parts are Gender Neutral

Historian MaleFemale (English professor look)

England 932 AD A Kingdom divided To the West the Anglo Saxons to the East the French Above

nothing but Celts and some people from Scotland In Gwynned Powys and Dyfed - Plague In the

kingdoms of Wessex Sussex and Essex and Kent - Plague In Mercia and the two Anglias - Plague with

a 50 chance of pestilence and famine coming out of the Northeast at twelve miles per hour Legend tells

of an extraordinary leader who arose from the chaos to unite a troubled kingdom A man with a vision

who gathered Knights together in a Holy Quest This man was Arthur King of the Britons And so King

Arthur gathered more Knights together bringing from all the corners of the Kingdom the strongest and

bravest in the land to sit at the Round Table The strangely flatulent Sir Bedevere the dashingly

handsome Sir Galahad the homicidally brave Sir Lancelot Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-

Lancelot who slew the vicious chicken of Bristol and who personally wet himself at the Battle of

Badon Hill And the aptly named Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-show Together they formed a band whose

names and deeds were to be retold throughout the Centuries The Knights of the Round Table

Arthur King of the Britons Male

Hail good sir I am Arthur king of the Britons lord and ruler of all of England and Scotland

and even tiny little bits of Gaul We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of

knights to join me in my court at Camelot I must speak with your lord and master (listens) hellip He is

busyhellip Good Sir we have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land through the kingdom of

Mercia through (interrupted) What No I donrsquot have and appointmenthellip No I canrsquot come back

laterhellipWill you tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is herehellip No I donrsquot want to

Tweet him you twithellip I want to know if he will join my court at Camelot Never mind (turning to a

person on the ground near him)You old woman Oh sorry man who lives in that castle over hellip

(interrupted) what Look I did say I was sorry about the old woman thing but really from behind you do

look like never mindhellip look I am your king and I order you hellip yes King No no one voted for me

As I rode forth from Camelot I saw a lady in the lake No Not dead She was the Lady of the Lake

She lives in the lake She appeared to me out of the bosom of the water Her arm clad in the purest

shimmering samite holding aloft Excalibur (draws sword and holds it aloft) signifying by Divine

Providence that I Arthur was to carry Excalibur That is why I am your King Its not just an ordinary

sword How many swords have their own names hellipDo you think I could make that up hellip Very well

since you dont believe me I will prove to you that the Lady of the Lake exists (On his knee) 0 Lady of

the Lake please reveal to this doubting Thomas what oh very well please reveal to this doubting

ldquoDennisrdquo that you are real

French Taunter Male (could be played by a women)

Allo Who is it what do you want This is the castle of my master Guy de Loimbard The French

bastard Hohellip so you want him to help you find the holy grail Well Ill ask him but I dont think hell

be very keen Hes already got one you see Oh yes its very nice(Aside) Hey I told him we already got

one Nohellip you can not see ithellipyou are English bed-wetting types and Im French Why do you think I

have this outrageous accent you silly kingOhhh You dont frighten us English pig-dogs Go and boil

your bottoms sons of a silly person I blow my nose at you so called Arthur-king you and all your silly

English knnnniggets I dont want to talk to you no more you empty headed animal food trough wipers

I fart in your general direction Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries Now go

away or I shall taunt you a second time No there is not one else to speak to you son of a window-dresser

I wave my private parts at your aunties you tinybrained wipers of other peoples bottoms I burst my

pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing you cheesy lot of second-hand electric

donkey bottom biters (Blows a raspberry) Thppt Oh no Oh gee We are so scared Oh hey did I

mention before to you Thhppt

Lady of the Lake Female

But youre not alone Arthur Havent you noticed Ive been with you all the time Who gave you the

sword who made you King who welcomed you to Camelot who helped you off on your quest Sure

Ive been off stage for far too long but I am here to help you and I always have been and so has Patsy

You see Arthur dear were all here to help each other To complete your quest you must put on a

broadway show and Youve been in a ldquoBroadway -Likerdquo show all the time Now you have to finish the

show It is a musical so you have to find the Grail and end with a wedding Oh but who will you

marryhellip Well it would have to be someone who loved you and cared for you enough to give you a

sword to make you King to welcome you to Camelot to help you off on your quest (listening)hellip

What Me Oh not I couldnrsquothellipOK

Sir Lancelot Male

(enters sword waving having just killed many of the party guests he goes down on one knee) Oh fair one

behold your humble servant Sir Lancelot from the Court of Camelot I have come to take you away

and (looks ups and seersquos it isnrsquot a girl) oh Im sorryhellipI got this note oh your notehellip well yes but I

hadnrsquot realized I thought you were hellip well you know terribly sorry (father enters) Oh this is your

father hellip what most of the wedding guest dead yes well Im very sorry But I can explain everything

I didnt really mean tohellipthe thing is I thought your son was a lady What quite understandable

Well that isnrsquot a very nice thing to say about your own son I mean it really wasnrsquot his fault Please sir

leave him alone This poor little chap is your son sir All he ever wanted was a little love and affection

but did you ever give it to him No no (Becoming emotional) Ill wager you denied him You try to

kill him and worse far worse you try to marry him off to some girl some female that he obviously has

no feelings for whatsoever Yes yes I know a little bit about bullying fathers you bastard Have you no

heart Have you no human tenderness Cant you see that all hes asking for is a little love and

understanding (Almost overcome) Is that too much to ask Is it Too Much To Ask

Brother Maynard Male (could be played by a women)

The Book of Armaments Chapter One Verses Nine through twentyseven And Saint Attila raised the

holy hand grenade up on high saying Oh Lord bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest

blow thine enemies to tiny bits in thy mercy And the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon the

lambs and stoats and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats And the

Lord spake saying First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin Then shalt thou count to three no more no

less Three shall be the number thou shalt count and the number of the counting shalt be three Four shalt

thou not count nor neither count thou two excepting that thou then proceed to three Five is right out

Once the number three being the third number be reached then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade of

Antioch towards thy foe who being naughty in my sight shall snuff it Amen And now the

Congregation shall rise and sing Hymn 101 Get Your Hand Off My Knee You Dirty Old Bastard

Tim The Enchanter Male (could be played by a women) Heavy Scottish accent

Greetings King Arthur Yes I know your name I am an enchanterhellip there are some who call mehellip Tim

You seek the Holy Grail Only the bravest will find it Below me lies the cave of Caerbannog wherein

carved upon the very living rock there be a clue which shall lead ye directly to your goal But think well

before you step into this cave for the entrance way is guarded by a beast so foul so cruel no man yet has

fought this evil beast and lived So be you warned brave knights for death awaits you all with nasty great

big pointy teeth (demonstrates nasty pointy teeth) Wait Too late There it is Cringe you mortals at the

site of hellip No no not behind the rabbithellip It is the Rabbit Look this is no ordinary rabbit This is the

most foul cruel and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on He wonrsquot just nibble your bum This

rabbits got a vicious streak a mile wide Its a killer Itll do you up a treat mate Look Im warning you

(Watching the rabbit carnage) Not so brave now are you I warned you Oh but you knew it all didnt

you Oh its just a harmless little bunny isnt it Well its always the same I always tell them but they

never ever ever listen (exits)

The following monologues are not from Spamalot but are from other Monty Python

projects and follow the same style If none of the monologues above fit the part you are

looking for you may also use any of these to audition with

DEAD PARROT SKETCH MaleFemale (English accent)

Now look mate Ive definitely ad enough of this That parrot is definitely deceased and when I purchased it

not Alf an hour ago you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein tired and shagged out

following a prolonged squawk (beat) PININ for the FJORDS What kind of talk is that look why

did he fall flat on his back the moment I got im home (beat) Es not pinin Es passed on This parrot is no

more He has ceased to be Es expired and gone to meet is maker Es a stiff Bereft of life e rests in

peace If you hadnt nailed im to the perch ed be pushing up the daisies Is metabolic processes are now

istory Es off the twig Es kicked the bucket es shuffled off is mortal coil run down the curtain and

joined the bleedin choir in the vestibule THIS IS AN EX-PARROT

EXECUTIVE INTRO MaleFemale (English accent)

Announcer Congratulations on buying the executive version of this record You have chosen wisely and we

value your discerning taste in deciding to pay the few extra pence for a product of real quality Everything on

this record has been designed to meet the exacting standards which you have naturally come to expect The

record itself is made from the very finest Colombian extruded polyvinyl The center hole has been created to

fit exactly onto your spindle with all the precision of finest Swiss craftsmanship The audio content has been

quality graded to give you the finest in listening pleasure There is little or no offensive material apart from

four cunts one clitoris and a foreskin And as they only occur in this opening introduction youre past them

now You can relax and enjoy this quality product secure in the knowledge that it has been specially created

for the lover of fine things and the man of good taste (He farts or belches loudly) Oh Sorry You can edit

that out cant you

FILM PREMIER MaleFemale (English accent)

Announcer Hello and welcome to Old Compton Street its a mild night here warm for early April and a

large crowd has gathered outside to watch this great gala night for the stars The cars are arriving quite fast

now heres a beautiful Rolls Royce Silver Corniche all white sliding gracefully up to the doors of the

cinema Commissioner Alf Venables ex-father of Terry steps forward opens the door and out steps a

radiant Miss Taylor herself looking absolutely stunning and off the shoulder organza and silk dress and next

comes Burt Reynolds in a huge red Ferrari sports car and My God Burt Reynolds has run into the back of

the Corniche and Miss Taylor turns and makes a splendid gesture (car screeching) Great heavens Its Steve

McQueen whose 18-gear Daytona special has somersaulted through the air and plowed into the back bumper

of --- And whos this coming through the windscreen of the Miniyes its lovely star Barbara Streisand

flying through the air in a beautiful Bill Gibb creationand shes landed half on Roger Moore looking quite

well and half on Jack Nicholson whos not so well and whos that under the back wheel Itsyes Its Faye

Dunaway No noits Victor Mature in the blazing chaos--- Yes all the stars are here tonightthats Joan

Crawford squashed in between the bonnet Pete Murray and the box office doorand Shirley Temple

battered out of all definition

THE MONEY PROGRAM MaleFemale (English accent)

Announcer Good evening and welcome to The Money Programme Tonight on The Money Programme

were going to look at money Lots of it On film and in the studio Some of it in nice piles others in lovely

clanky bits of loose change some of it neatly counted into fat little hundreds (starting to get excited) delicate

fivers stuffed into bulging wallets nice crisp clean checks pert pieces of copper coinage thrust deep into

trouser pockets romantic foreign money rolling against the thigh with rough familiarity (getting carried

away) beautiful wayward curly-cued banknotes filigree copper plating cheek by jowl with tumbling

hexagonal milled edges rubbing gently against the terse leather of beautifully balanced bank books (collects

himself) Im sorry But I love money All money Ive always wanted money(getting worked up again) To

handle To touch The smell of the rain-washed florin The lure of the lira (standing on the desk) The glitter

and the glory of the guinea The romance of the rouble The feel of the franc the heel of the Deutschmark

The cold antiseptic sting of the Swiss franc and the sunburnt splendor of the Australian dollar

October

Sun Mon Tues Wed Thur Fri Sat

- - 1 2 3 4 5

6 7 8 9 10

11

12

13 14 15 16 17

18 19

20 21

22 23 24 25 26

27

28

29

30

31

- -

Nov

Sun Mon Tues Wed Thur Fri Sat

-

-

-

-

-

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10 Load In

11 Tech Week -------------

12 Tech Week -------------

13 Tech Week -------------

14 Tech Week -------------

15 Performance 8pm

16

Performance 8pm

17 Performance 2pm

18 19 20 Brush Up

21 22 Performance 8pm

23 Performance 8pm

24 Performance 2pm

25

26

27

28 Thanksgiving

29 Performance 8pm

30 Performance 8pm

Dec 1 Performance 2pm amp Loadout

SYNOPSIS Monty Pythonrsquos Spamalot The Musical

Act 1

The play begins with a historian giving a brief overview of medieval England An idyllic Scandinavian village appears with gaily dressed Finnish villagers singing and dancing to the Fisch Schlapping Song The Historian returns irritated and tells them he said England not Finland The villagers disperse and the pastoral forest is immediately replaced by a dreary dark village with penitent monks in hooded robes chanting Latin prayers and hitting themselves in the face with wooden boards King Arthur travels the land with his servant Patsy (King Arthurs Song) trying to recruit Knights of the Round Table to join him in Camelot and his quest for the Holy Grail He encounters various strange people including a pair of sentries who are more interested in debating whether two swallows could successfully carry a coconut than in guarding their castles Sir Robin and Sir Lancelot meet as they attempt to dispose of the sickly Not Dead Fred (He Is Not Dead Yet) They agree to become Knights of the Round Table together Meanwhile Arthur attempts to convince a peasant named Dennis Galahad that he (Arthur) is king of England because the Lady of the Lake gave him Excalibur the sword given only to the man fit to rule England However Dennis and his mother Mrs Galahad are political radicals and deny that any king who has not been elected by the people has any legitimate right to rule over them To settle the issue Arthur has the Lady of the Lake and her Laker Girls appear to turn Dennis into a knight (Come With Me) Cheered on by the girls (Laker Girls Cheer) the Lady of the Lake turns Dennis into Sir Galahad and together they sing a generic Broadway love song (The Song That Goes Like This) Together with Sir Bedevere and Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Show (a knight resembling Don Quixote who promptly apologizes and then leaves) they make up the Knights of the Round Table (All for One) The five knights gather in Camelot a deliberately anachronistic place resembling Las Vegass Camelot-inspired Excalibur resort complete with showgirls and oversized dice (Knights of the Round Table The Song That Goes Like This (Reprise)) In the midst of their revelry they are contacted by God (voiced by Eric Idle) who tells them to locate the Holy Grail Urged on by the Lady of the Lake (Find Your Grail) the Knights set off They are viciously taunted by lewd French soldiers at a castle they come to and attempt to retaliate by sending them a large wooden rabbit in the style of the Trojan Horse however they realize after the fact that it was not as simple as leaving the rabbit and walking away - they were supposed to be inside of it Defeated they leave in a hurry when the French begin throwing various barnyard animals - including cows - at them (Run Away)

Act 2 Sir Robin and his minstrels follow King Arthur and Patsy into a dark and very expensive forest where they are separated King Arthur meets the Knights who say Ni who demand a shrubbery King Arthur despairs of finding one but Patsy cheers him up (Always Look on the Bright Side of Life) and they find a shrubbery shortly after The Knights accept it but next demand that King Arthur put on a musical and bring it to Broadway The Black Knight appears but King Arthur more or less defeats him by cutting off both his arms and legs impaling his still-alive torso on a door and leaving to find Sir Robin Sir Robin after wandering the forest for some time (Brave Sir Robin) finds King Arthur and insists that it would be imposs ible for them to accomplish this next task (You Wont Succeed on Broadway) King Arthur and Patsy promptly set off in search of Jews While the Lady of the Lake laments her lack of stage time (The Divas Lament) Sir Lancelot receives a letter from wha t he assumes is a young damsel in distress He is a little surprised to find that the damsel is actually an effeminate young man named Herbert (Where Are You Here Are You) whose overbearing music -hating father the king is forcing him into an arranged marriage Lancelot advocates for Herbert after the king returns and Lancelot is outed as a homosexual in the process (His Name Is Lancelot) King Arthur begins to give up hope of ever putting on the Broadway musical and laments that he is alone e ven though Patsy has been with him the entire time (Im All Alone) The Lady of the Lake appears and tells Arthur that he and the Knights have been in a Broadway musical all along All thats left is for King Arthur to find the Grail and marry someone After picking up on some not-too-subtle hints Arthur decides to marry the Lady of the Lake after he finds the Grail (Twice In Every Show) Reunited with his Knights Arthur meets Tim the Enchanter who warns them of the danger of an evil rabbit When the rabbit bites a knights head off Arthur uses the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch against it knocking down a nearby hill and revealing that the evil rabbit was actually a puppet controlled by a surprised puppeteer A large stone block showing a combination of letters and numbers is also revealed After pondering the final clue Arthur admits that theyre a bit stumped with the clue thing and asks God to give them a hand The grail is found Arthur marries the Lady of the Lake (who reveals that her name is Guinevere) Lancelot marries Herbert and Sir Robin decides to pursue a career in musical theatre (Act 2 Finale Always Look on the Bright Side of Life (Company Bow))

SCENES

All actors must audition with one of the monologues below If there isnrsquot a monologue for the part

you are trying out for just pick one from below Some of the parts are Gender Neutral

Historian MaleFemale (English professor look)

England 932 AD A Kingdom divided To the West the Anglo Saxons to the East the French Above

nothing but Celts and some people from Scotland In Gwynned Powys and Dyfed - Plague In the

kingdoms of Wessex Sussex and Essex and Kent - Plague In Mercia and the two Anglias - Plague with

a 50 chance of pestilence and famine coming out of the Northeast at twelve miles per hour Legend tells

of an extraordinary leader who arose from the chaos to unite a troubled kingdom A man with a vision

who gathered Knights together in a Holy Quest This man was Arthur King of the Britons And so King

Arthur gathered more Knights together bringing from all the corners of the Kingdom the strongest and

bravest in the land to sit at the Round Table The strangely flatulent Sir Bedevere the dashingly

handsome Sir Galahad the homicidally brave Sir Lancelot Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-

Lancelot who slew the vicious chicken of Bristol and who personally wet himself at the Battle of

Badon Hill And the aptly named Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-show Together they formed a band whose

names and deeds were to be retold throughout the Centuries The Knights of the Round Table

Arthur King of the Britons Male

Hail good sir I am Arthur king of the Britons lord and ruler of all of England and Scotland

and even tiny little bits of Gaul We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of

knights to join me in my court at Camelot I must speak with your lord and master (listens) hellip He is

busyhellip Good Sir we have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land through the kingdom of

Mercia through (interrupted) What No I donrsquot have and appointmenthellip No I canrsquot come back

laterhellipWill you tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is herehellip No I donrsquot want to

Tweet him you twithellip I want to know if he will join my court at Camelot Never mind (turning to a

person on the ground near him)You old woman Oh sorry man who lives in that castle over hellip

(interrupted) what Look I did say I was sorry about the old woman thing but really from behind you do

look like never mindhellip look I am your king and I order you hellip yes King No no one voted for me

As I rode forth from Camelot I saw a lady in the lake No Not dead She was the Lady of the Lake

She lives in the lake She appeared to me out of the bosom of the water Her arm clad in the purest

shimmering samite holding aloft Excalibur (draws sword and holds it aloft) signifying by Divine

Providence that I Arthur was to carry Excalibur That is why I am your King Its not just an ordinary

sword How many swords have their own names hellipDo you think I could make that up hellip Very well

since you dont believe me I will prove to you that the Lady of the Lake exists (On his knee) 0 Lady of

the Lake please reveal to this doubting Thomas what oh very well please reveal to this doubting

ldquoDennisrdquo that you are real

French Taunter Male (could be played by a women)

Allo Who is it what do you want This is the castle of my master Guy de Loimbard The French

bastard Hohellip so you want him to help you find the holy grail Well Ill ask him but I dont think hell

be very keen Hes already got one you see Oh yes its very nice(Aside) Hey I told him we already got

one Nohellip you can not see ithellipyou are English bed-wetting types and Im French Why do you think I

have this outrageous accent you silly kingOhhh You dont frighten us English pig-dogs Go and boil

your bottoms sons of a silly person I blow my nose at you so called Arthur-king you and all your silly

English knnnniggets I dont want to talk to you no more you empty headed animal food trough wipers

I fart in your general direction Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries Now go

away or I shall taunt you a second time No there is not one else to speak to you son of a window-dresser

I wave my private parts at your aunties you tinybrained wipers of other peoples bottoms I burst my

pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing you cheesy lot of second-hand electric

donkey bottom biters (Blows a raspberry) Thppt Oh no Oh gee We are so scared Oh hey did I

mention before to you Thhppt

Lady of the Lake Female

But youre not alone Arthur Havent you noticed Ive been with you all the time Who gave you the

sword who made you King who welcomed you to Camelot who helped you off on your quest Sure

Ive been off stage for far too long but I am here to help you and I always have been and so has Patsy

You see Arthur dear were all here to help each other To complete your quest you must put on a

broadway show and Youve been in a ldquoBroadway -Likerdquo show all the time Now you have to finish the

show It is a musical so you have to find the Grail and end with a wedding Oh but who will you

marryhellip Well it would have to be someone who loved you and cared for you enough to give you a

sword to make you King to welcome you to Camelot to help you off on your quest (listening)hellip

What Me Oh not I couldnrsquothellipOK

Sir Lancelot Male

(enters sword waving having just killed many of the party guests he goes down on one knee) Oh fair one

behold your humble servant Sir Lancelot from the Court of Camelot I have come to take you away

and (looks ups and seersquos it isnrsquot a girl) oh Im sorryhellipI got this note oh your notehellip well yes but I

hadnrsquot realized I thought you were hellip well you know terribly sorry (father enters) Oh this is your

father hellip what most of the wedding guest dead yes well Im very sorry But I can explain everything

I didnt really mean tohellipthe thing is I thought your son was a lady What quite understandable

Well that isnrsquot a very nice thing to say about your own son I mean it really wasnrsquot his fault Please sir

leave him alone This poor little chap is your son sir All he ever wanted was a little love and affection

but did you ever give it to him No no (Becoming emotional) Ill wager you denied him You try to

kill him and worse far worse you try to marry him off to some girl some female that he obviously has

no feelings for whatsoever Yes yes I know a little bit about bullying fathers you bastard Have you no

heart Have you no human tenderness Cant you see that all hes asking for is a little love and

understanding (Almost overcome) Is that too much to ask Is it Too Much To Ask

Brother Maynard Male (could be played by a women)

The Book of Armaments Chapter One Verses Nine through twentyseven And Saint Attila raised the

holy hand grenade up on high saying Oh Lord bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest

blow thine enemies to tiny bits in thy mercy And the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon the

lambs and stoats and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats And the

Lord spake saying First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin Then shalt thou count to three no more no

less Three shall be the number thou shalt count and the number of the counting shalt be three Four shalt

thou not count nor neither count thou two excepting that thou then proceed to three Five is right out

Once the number three being the third number be reached then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade of

Antioch towards thy foe who being naughty in my sight shall snuff it Amen And now the

Congregation shall rise and sing Hymn 101 Get Your Hand Off My Knee You Dirty Old Bastard

Tim The Enchanter Male (could be played by a women) Heavy Scottish accent

Greetings King Arthur Yes I know your name I am an enchanterhellip there are some who call mehellip Tim

You seek the Holy Grail Only the bravest will find it Below me lies the cave of Caerbannog wherein

carved upon the very living rock there be a clue which shall lead ye directly to your goal But think well

before you step into this cave for the entrance way is guarded by a beast so foul so cruel no man yet has

fought this evil beast and lived So be you warned brave knights for death awaits you all with nasty great

big pointy teeth (demonstrates nasty pointy teeth) Wait Too late There it is Cringe you mortals at the

site of hellip No no not behind the rabbithellip It is the Rabbit Look this is no ordinary rabbit This is the

most foul cruel and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on He wonrsquot just nibble your bum This

rabbits got a vicious streak a mile wide Its a killer Itll do you up a treat mate Look Im warning you

(Watching the rabbit carnage) Not so brave now are you I warned you Oh but you knew it all didnt

you Oh its just a harmless little bunny isnt it Well its always the same I always tell them but they

never ever ever listen (exits)

The following monologues are not from Spamalot but are from other Monty Python

projects and follow the same style If none of the monologues above fit the part you are

looking for you may also use any of these to audition with

DEAD PARROT SKETCH MaleFemale (English accent)

Now look mate Ive definitely ad enough of this That parrot is definitely deceased and when I purchased it

not Alf an hour ago you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein tired and shagged out

following a prolonged squawk (beat) PININ for the FJORDS What kind of talk is that look why

did he fall flat on his back the moment I got im home (beat) Es not pinin Es passed on This parrot is no

more He has ceased to be Es expired and gone to meet is maker Es a stiff Bereft of life e rests in

peace If you hadnt nailed im to the perch ed be pushing up the daisies Is metabolic processes are now

istory Es off the twig Es kicked the bucket es shuffled off is mortal coil run down the curtain and

joined the bleedin choir in the vestibule THIS IS AN EX-PARROT

EXECUTIVE INTRO MaleFemale (English accent)

Announcer Congratulations on buying the executive version of this record You have chosen wisely and we

value your discerning taste in deciding to pay the few extra pence for a product of real quality Everything on

this record has been designed to meet the exacting standards which you have naturally come to expect The

record itself is made from the very finest Colombian extruded polyvinyl The center hole has been created to

fit exactly onto your spindle with all the precision of finest Swiss craftsmanship The audio content has been

quality graded to give you the finest in listening pleasure There is little or no offensive material apart from

four cunts one clitoris and a foreskin And as they only occur in this opening introduction youre past them

now You can relax and enjoy this quality product secure in the knowledge that it has been specially created

for the lover of fine things and the man of good taste (He farts or belches loudly) Oh Sorry You can edit

that out cant you

FILM PREMIER MaleFemale (English accent)

Announcer Hello and welcome to Old Compton Street its a mild night here warm for early April and a

large crowd has gathered outside to watch this great gala night for the stars The cars are arriving quite fast

now heres a beautiful Rolls Royce Silver Corniche all white sliding gracefully up to the doors of the

cinema Commissioner Alf Venables ex-father of Terry steps forward opens the door and out steps a

radiant Miss Taylor herself looking absolutely stunning and off the shoulder organza and silk dress and next

comes Burt Reynolds in a huge red Ferrari sports car and My God Burt Reynolds has run into the back of

the Corniche and Miss Taylor turns and makes a splendid gesture (car screeching) Great heavens Its Steve

McQueen whose 18-gear Daytona special has somersaulted through the air and plowed into the back bumper

of --- And whos this coming through the windscreen of the Miniyes its lovely star Barbara Streisand

flying through the air in a beautiful Bill Gibb creationand shes landed half on Roger Moore looking quite

well and half on Jack Nicholson whos not so well and whos that under the back wheel Itsyes Its Faye

Dunaway No noits Victor Mature in the blazing chaos--- Yes all the stars are here tonightthats Joan

Crawford squashed in between the bonnet Pete Murray and the box office doorand Shirley Temple

battered out of all definition

THE MONEY PROGRAM MaleFemale (English accent)

Announcer Good evening and welcome to The Money Programme Tonight on The Money Programme

were going to look at money Lots of it On film and in the studio Some of it in nice piles others in lovely

clanky bits of loose change some of it neatly counted into fat little hundreds (starting to get excited) delicate

fivers stuffed into bulging wallets nice crisp clean checks pert pieces of copper coinage thrust deep into

trouser pockets romantic foreign money rolling against the thigh with rough familiarity (getting carried

away) beautiful wayward curly-cued banknotes filigree copper plating cheek by jowl with tumbling

hexagonal milled edges rubbing gently against the terse leather of beautifully balanced bank books (collects

himself) Im sorry But I love money All money Ive always wanted money(getting worked up again) To

handle To touch The smell of the rain-washed florin The lure of the lira (standing on the desk) The glitter

and the glory of the guinea The romance of the rouble The feel of the franc the heel of the Deutschmark

The cold antiseptic sting of the Swiss franc and the sunburnt splendor of the Australian dollar

SYNOPSIS Monty Pythonrsquos Spamalot The Musical

Act 1

The play begins with a historian giving a brief overview of medieval England An idyllic Scandinavian village appears with gaily dressed Finnish villagers singing and dancing to the Fisch Schlapping Song The Historian returns irritated and tells them he said England not Finland The villagers disperse and the pastoral forest is immediately replaced by a dreary dark village with penitent monks in hooded robes chanting Latin prayers and hitting themselves in the face with wooden boards King Arthur travels the land with his servant Patsy (King Arthurs Song) trying to recruit Knights of the Round Table to join him in Camelot and his quest for the Holy Grail He encounters various strange people including a pair of sentries who are more interested in debating whether two swallows could successfully carry a coconut than in guarding their castles Sir Robin and Sir Lancelot meet as they attempt to dispose of the sickly Not Dead Fred (He Is Not Dead Yet) They agree to become Knights of the Round Table together Meanwhile Arthur attempts to convince a peasant named Dennis Galahad that he (Arthur) is king of England because the Lady of the Lake gave him Excalibur the sword given only to the man fit to rule England However Dennis and his mother Mrs Galahad are political radicals and deny that any king who has not been elected by the people has any legitimate right to rule over them To settle the issue Arthur has the Lady of the Lake and her Laker Girls appear to turn Dennis into a knight (Come With Me) Cheered on by the girls (Laker Girls Cheer) the Lady of the Lake turns Dennis into Sir Galahad and together they sing a generic Broadway love song (The Song That Goes Like This) Together with Sir Bedevere and Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Show (a knight resembling Don Quixote who promptly apologizes and then leaves) they make up the Knights of the Round Table (All for One) The five knights gather in Camelot a deliberately anachronistic place resembling Las Vegass Camelot-inspired Excalibur resort complete with showgirls and oversized dice (Knights of the Round Table The Song That Goes Like This (Reprise)) In the midst of their revelry they are contacted by God (voiced by Eric Idle) who tells them to locate the Holy Grail Urged on by the Lady of the Lake (Find Your Grail) the Knights set off They are viciously taunted by lewd French soldiers at a castle they come to and attempt to retaliate by sending them a large wooden rabbit in the style of the Trojan Horse however they realize after the fact that it was not as simple as leaving the rabbit and walking away - they were supposed to be inside of it Defeated they leave in a hurry when the French begin throwing various barnyard animals - including cows - at them (Run Away)

Act 2 Sir Robin and his minstrels follow King Arthur and Patsy into a dark and very expensive forest where they are separated King Arthur meets the Knights who say Ni who demand a shrubbery King Arthur despairs of finding one but Patsy cheers him up (Always Look on the Bright Side of Life) and they find a shrubbery shortly after The Knights accept it but next demand that King Arthur put on a musical and bring it to Broadway The Black Knight appears but King Arthur more or less defeats him by cutting off both his arms and legs impaling his still-alive torso on a door and leaving to find Sir Robin Sir Robin after wandering the forest for some time (Brave Sir Robin) finds King Arthur and insists that it would be imposs ible for them to accomplish this next task (You Wont Succeed on Broadway) King Arthur and Patsy promptly set off in search of Jews While the Lady of the Lake laments her lack of stage time (The Divas Lament) Sir Lancelot receives a letter from wha t he assumes is a young damsel in distress He is a little surprised to find that the damsel is actually an effeminate young man named Herbert (Where Are You Here Are You) whose overbearing music -hating father the king is forcing him into an arranged marriage Lancelot advocates for Herbert after the king returns and Lancelot is outed as a homosexual in the process (His Name Is Lancelot) King Arthur begins to give up hope of ever putting on the Broadway musical and laments that he is alone e ven though Patsy has been with him the entire time (Im All Alone) The Lady of the Lake appears and tells Arthur that he and the Knights have been in a Broadway musical all along All thats left is for King Arthur to find the Grail and marry someone After picking up on some not-too-subtle hints Arthur decides to marry the Lady of the Lake after he finds the Grail (Twice In Every Show) Reunited with his Knights Arthur meets Tim the Enchanter who warns them of the danger of an evil rabbit When the rabbit bites a knights head off Arthur uses the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch against it knocking down a nearby hill and revealing that the evil rabbit was actually a puppet controlled by a surprised puppeteer A large stone block showing a combination of letters and numbers is also revealed After pondering the final clue Arthur admits that theyre a bit stumped with the clue thing and asks God to give them a hand The grail is found Arthur marries the Lady of the Lake (who reveals that her name is Guinevere) Lancelot marries Herbert and Sir Robin decides to pursue a career in musical theatre (Act 2 Finale Always Look on the Bright Side of Life (Company Bow))

SCENES

All actors must audition with one of the monologues below If there isnrsquot a monologue for the part

you are trying out for just pick one from below Some of the parts are Gender Neutral

Historian MaleFemale (English professor look)

England 932 AD A Kingdom divided To the West the Anglo Saxons to the East the French Above

nothing but Celts and some people from Scotland In Gwynned Powys and Dyfed - Plague In the

kingdoms of Wessex Sussex and Essex and Kent - Plague In Mercia and the two Anglias - Plague with

a 50 chance of pestilence and famine coming out of the Northeast at twelve miles per hour Legend tells

of an extraordinary leader who arose from the chaos to unite a troubled kingdom A man with a vision

who gathered Knights together in a Holy Quest This man was Arthur King of the Britons And so King

Arthur gathered more Knights together bringing from all the corners of the Kingdom the strongest and

bravest in the land to sit at the Round Table The strangely flatulent Sir Bedevere the dashingly

handsome Sir Galahad the homicidally brave Sir Lancelot Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-

Lancelot who slew the vicious chicken of Bristol and who personally wet himself at the Battle of

Badon Hill And the aptly named Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-show Together they formed a band whose

names and deeds were to be retold throughout the Centuries The Knights of the Round Table

Arthur King of the Britons Male

Hail good sir I am Arthur king of the Britons lord and ruler of all of England and Scotland

and even tiny little bits of Gaul We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of

knights to join me in my court at Camelot I must speak with your lord and master (listens) hellip He is

busyhellip Good Sir we have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land through the kingdom of

Mercia through (interrupted) What No I donrsquot have and appointmenthellip No I canrsquot come back

laterhellipWill you tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is herehellip No I donrsquot want to

Tweet him you twithellip I want to know if he will join my court at Camelot Never mind (turning to a

person on the ground near him)You old woman Oh sorry man who lives in that castle over hellip

(interrupted) what Look I did say I was sorry about the old woman thing but really from behind you do

look like never mindhellip look I am your king and I order you hellip yes King No no one voted for me

As I rode forth from Camelot I saw a lady in the lake No Not dead She was the Lady of the Lake

She lives in the lake She appeared to me out of the bosom of the water Her arm clad in the purest

shimmering samite holding aloft Excalibur (draws sword and holds it aloft) signifying by Divine

Providence that I Arthur was to carry Excalibur That is why I am your King Its not just an ordinary

sword How many swords have their own names hellipDo you think I could make that up hellip Very well

since you dont believe me I will prove to you that the Lady of the Lake exists (On his knee) 0 Lady of

the Lake please reveal to this doubting Thomas what oh very well please reveal to this doubting

ldquoDennisrdquo that you are real

French Taunter Male (could be played by a women)

Allo Who is it what do you want This is the castle of my master Guy de Loimbard The French

bastard Hohellip so you want him to help you find the holy grail Well Ill ask him but I dont think hell

be very keen Hes already got one you see Oh yes its very nice(Aside) Hey I told him we already got

one Nohellip you can not see ithellipyou are English bed-wetting types and Im French Why do you think I

have this outrageous accent you silly kingOhhh You dont frighten us English pig-dogs Go and boil

your bottoms sons of a silly person I blow my nose at you so called Arthur-king you and all your silly

English knnnniggets I dont want to talk to you no more you empty headed animal food trough wipers

I fart in your general direction Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries Now go

away or I shall taunt you a second time No there is not one else to speak to you son of a window-dresser

I wave my private parts at your aunties you tinybrained wipers of other peoples bottoms I burst my

pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing you cheesy lot of second-hand electric

donkey bottom biters (Blows a raspberry) Thppt Oh no Oh gee We are so scared Oh hey did I

mention before to you Thhppt

Lady of the Lake Female

But youre not alone Arthur Havent you noticed Ive been with you all the time Who gave you the

sword who made you King who welcomed you to Camelot who helped you off on your quest Sure

Ive been off stage for far too long but I am here to help you and I always have been and so has Patsy

You see Arthur dear were all here to help each other To complete your quest you must put on a

broadway show and Youve been in a ldquoBroadway -Likerdquo show all the time Now you have to finish the

show It is a musical so you have to find the Grail and end with a wedding Oh but who will you

marryhellip Well it would have to be someone who loved you and cared for you enough to give you a

sword to make you King to welcome you to Camelot to help you off on your quest (listening)hellip

What Me Oh not I couldnrsquothellipOK

Sir Lancelot Male

(enters sword waving having just killed many of the party guests he goes down on one knee) Oh fair one

behold your humble servant Sir Lancelot from the Court of Camelot I have come to take you away

and (looks ups and seersquos it isnrsquot a girl) oh Im sorryhellipI got this note oh your notehellip well yes but I

hadnrsquot realized I thought you were hellip well you know terribly sorry (father enters) Oh this is your

father hellip what most of the wedding guest dead yes well Im very sorry But I can explain everything

I didnt really mean tohellipthe thing is I thought your son was a lady What quite understandable

Well that isnrsquot a very nice thing to say about your own son I mean it really wasnrsquot his fault Please sir

leave him alone This poor little chap is your son sir All he ever wanted was a little love and affection

but did you ever give it to him No no (Becoming emotional) Ill wager you denied him You try to

kill him and worse far worse you try to marry him off to some girl some female that he obviously has

no feelings for whatsoever Yes yes I know a little bit about bullying fathers you bastard Have you no

heart Have you no human tenderness Cant you see that all hes asking for is a little love and

understanding (Almost overcome) Is that too much to ask Is it Too Much To Ask

Brother Maynard Male (could be played by a women)

The Book of Armaments Chapter One Verses Nine through twentyseven And Saint Attila raised the

holy hand grenade up on high saying Oh Lord bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest

blow thine enemies to tiny bits in thy mercy And the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon the

lambs and stoats and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats And the

Lord spake saying First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin Then shalt thou count to three no more no

less Three shall be the number thou shalt count and the number of the counting shalt be three Four shalt

thou not count nor neither count thou two excepting that thou then proceed to three Five is right out

Once the number three being the third number be reached then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade of

Antioch towards thy foe who being naughty in my sight shall snuff it Amen And now the

Congregation shall rise and sing Hymn 101 Get Your Hand Off My Knee You Dirty Old Bastard

Tim The Enchanter Male (could be played by a women) Heavy Scottish accent

Greetings King Arthur Yes I know your name I am an enchanterhellip there are some who call mehellip Tim

You seek the Holy Grail Only the bravest will find it Below me lies the cave of Caerbannog wherein

carved upon the very living rock there be a clue which shall lead ye directly to your goal But think well

before you step into this cave for the entrance way is guarded by a beast so foul so cruel no man yet has

fought this evil beast and lived So be you warned brave knights for death awaits you all with nasty great

big pointy teeth (demonstrates nasty pointy teeth) Wait Too late There it is Cringe you mortals at the

site of hellip No no not behind the rabbithellip It is the Rabbit Look this is no ordinary rabbit This is the

most foul cruel and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on He wonrsquot just nibble your bum This

rabbits got a vicious streak a mile wide Its a killer Itll do you up a treat mate Look Im warning you

(Watching the rabbit carnage) Not so brave now are you I warned you Oh but you knew it all didnt

you Oh its just a harmless little bunny isnt it Well its always the same I always tell them but they

never ever ever listen (exits)

The following monologues are not from Spamalot but are from other Monty Python

projects and follow the same style If none of the monologues above fit the part you are

looking for you may also use any of these to audition with

DEAD PARROT SKETCH MaleFemale (English accent)

Now look mate Ive definitely ad enough of this That parrot is definitely deceased and when I purchased it

not Alf an hour ago you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein tired and shagged out

following a prolonged squawk (beat) PININ for the FJORDS What kind of talk is that look why

did he fall flat on his back the moment I got im home (beat) Es not pinin Es passed on This parrot is no

more He has ceased to be Es expired and gone to meet is maker Es a stiff Bereft of life e rests in

peace If you hadnt nailed im to the perch ed be pushing up the daisies Is metabolic processes are now

istory Es off the twig Es kicked the bucket es shuffled off is mortal coil run down the curtain and

joined the bleedin choir in the vestibule THIS IS AN EX-PARROT

EXECUTIVE INTRO MaleFemale (English accent)

Announcer Congratulations on buying the executive version of this record You have chosen wisely and we

value your discerning taste in deciding to pay the few extra pence for a product of real quality Everything on

this record has been designed to meet the exacting standards which you have naturally come to expect The

record itself is made from the very finest Colombian extruded polyvinyl The center hole has been created to

fit exactly onto your spindle with all the precision of finest Swiss craftsmanship The audio content has been

quality graded to give you the finest in listening pleasure There is little or no offensive material apart from

four cunts one clitoris and a foreskin And as they only occur in this opening introduction youre past them

now You can relax and enjoy this quality product secure in the knowledge that it has been specially created

for the lover of fine things and the man of good taste (He farts or belches loudly) Oh Sorry You can edit

that out cant you

FILM PREMIER MaleFemale (English accent)

Announcer Hello and welcome to Old Compton Street its a mild night here warm for early April and a

large crowd has gathered outside to watch this great gala night for the stars The cars are arriving quite fast

now heres a beautiful Rolls Royce Silver Corniche all white sliding gracefully up to the doors of the

cinema Commissioner Alf Venables ex-father of Terry steps forward opens the door and out steps a

radiant Miss Taylor herself looking absolutely stunning and off the shoulder organza and silk dress and next

comes Burt Reynolds in a huge red Ferrari sports car and My God Burt Reynolds has run into the back of

the Corniche and Miss Taylor turns and makes a splendid gesture (car screeching) Great heavens Its Steve

McQueen whose 18-gear Daytona special has somersaulted through the air and plowed into the back bumper

of --- And whos this coming through the windscreen of the Miniyes its lovely star Barbara Streisand

flying through the air in a beautiful Bill Gibb creationand shes landed half on Roger Moore looking quite

well and half on Jack Nicholson whos not so well and whos that under the back wheel Itsyes Its Faye

Dunaway No noits Victor Mature in the blazing chaos--- Yes all the stars are here tonightthats Joan

Crawford squashed in between the bonnet Pete Murray and the box office doorand Shirley Temple

battered out of all definition

THE MONEY PROGRAM MaleFemale (English accent)

Announcer Good evening and welcome to The Money Programme Tonight on The Money Programme

were going to look at money Lots of it On film and in the studio Some of it in nice piles others in lovely

clanky bits of loose change some of it neatly counted into fat little hundreds (starting to get excited) delicate

fivers stuffed into bulging wallets nice crisp clean checks pert pieces of copper coinage thrust deep into

trouser pockets romantic foreign money rolling against the thigh with rough familiarity (getting carried

away) beautiful wayward curly-cued banknotes filigree copper plating cheek by jowl with tumbling

hexagonal milled edges rubbing gently against the terse leather of beautifully balanced bank books (collects

himself) Im sorry But I love money All money Ive always wanted money(getting worked up again) To

handle To touch The smell of the rain-washed florin The lure of the lira (standing on the desk) The glitter

and the glory of the guinea The romance of the rouble The feel of the franc the heel of the Deutschmark

The cold antiseptic sting of the Swiss franc and the sunburnt splendor of the Australian dollar

SCENES

All actors must audition with one of the monologues below If there isnrsquot a monologue for the part

you are trying out for just pick one from below Some of the parts are Gender Neutral

Historian MaleFemale (English professor look)

England 932 AD A Kingdom divided To the West the Anglo Saxons to the East the French Above

nothing but Celts and some people from Scotland In Gwynned Powys and Dyfed - Plague In the

kingdoms of Wessex Sussex and Essex and Kent - Plague In Mercia and the two Anglias - Plague with

a 50 chance of pestilence and famine coming out of the Northeast at twelve miles per hour Legend tells

of an extraordinary leader who arose from the chaos to unite a troubled kingdom A man with a vision

who gathered Knights together in a Holy Quest This man was Arthur King of the Britons And so King

Arthur gathered more Knights together bringing from all the corners of the Kingdom the strongest and

bravest in the land to sit at the Round Table The strangely flatulent Sir Bedevere the dashingly

handsome Sir Galahad the homicidally brave Sir Lancelot Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-

Lancelot who slew the vicious chicken of Bristol and who personally wet himself at the Battle of

Badon Hill And the aptly named Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-show Together they formed a band whose

names and deeds were to be retold throughout the Centuries The Knights of the Round Table

Arthur King of the Britons Male

Hail good sir I am Arthur king of the Britons lord and ruler of all of England and Scotland

and even tiny little bits of Gaul We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of

knights to join me in my court at Camelot I must speak with your lord and master (listens) hellip He is

busyhellip Good Sir we have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land through the kingdom of

Mercia through (interrupted) What No I donrsquot have and appointmenthellip No I canrsquot come back

laterhellipWill you tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is herehellip No I donrsquot want to

Tweet him you twithellip I want to know if he will join my court at Camelot Never mind (turning to a

person on the ground near him)You old woman Oh sorry man who lives in that castle over hellip

(interrupted) what Look I did say I was sorry about the old woman thing but really from behind you do

look like never mindhellip look I am your king and I order you hellip yes King No no one voted for me

As I rode forth from Camelot I saw a lady in the lake No Not dead She was the Lady of the Lake

She lives in the lake She appeared to me out of the bosom of the water Her arm clad in the purest

shimmering samite holding aloft Excalibur (draws sword and holds it aloft) signifying by Divine

Providence that I Arthur was to carry Excalibur That is why I am your King Its not just an ordinary

sword How many swords have their own names hellipDo you think I could make that up hellip Very well

since you dont believe me I will prove to you that the Lady of the Lake exists (On his knee) 0 Lady of

the Lake please reveal to this doubting Thomas what oh very well please reveal to this doubting

ldquoDennisrdquo that you are real

French Taunter Male (could be played by a women)

Allo Who is it what do you want This is the castle of my master Guy de Loimbard The French

bastard Hohellip so you want him to help you find the holy grail Well Ill ask him but I dont think hell

be very keen Hes already got one you see Oh yes its very nice(Aside) Hey I told him we already got

one Nohellip you can not see ithellipyou are English bed-wetting types and Im French Why do you think I

have this outrageous accent you silly kingOhhh You dont frighten us English pig-dogs Go and boil

your bottoms sons of a silly person I blow my nose at you so called Arthur-king you and all your silly

English knnnniggets I dont want to talk to you no more you empty headed animal food trough wipers

I fart in your general direction Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries Now go

away or I shall taunt you a second time No there is not one else to speak to you son of a window-dresser

I wave my private parts at your aunties you tinybrained wipers of other peoples bottoms I burst my

pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing you cheesy lot of second-hand electric

donkey bottom biters (Blows a raspberry) Thppt Oh no Oh gee We are so scared Oh hey did I

mention before to you Thhppt

Lady of the Lake Female

But youre not alone Arthur Havent you noticed Ive been with you all the time Who gave you the

sword who made you King who welcomed you to Camelot who helped you off on your quest Sure

Ive been off stage for far too long but I am here to help you and I always have been and so has Patsy

You see Arthur dear were all here to help each other To complete your quest you must put on a

broadway show and Youve been in a ldquoBroadway -Likerdquo show all the time Now you have to finish the

show It is a musical so you have to find the Grail and end with a wedding Oh but who will you

marryhellip Well it would have to be someone who loved you and cared for you enough to give you a

sword to make you King to welcome you to Camelot to help you off on your quest (listening)hellip

What Me Oh not I couldnrsquothellipOK

Sir Lancelot Male

(enters sword waving having just killed many of the party guests he goes down on one knee) Oh fair one

behold your humble servant Sir Lancelot from the Court of Camelot I have come to take you away

and (looks ups and seersquos it isnrsquot a girl) oh Im sorryhellipI got this note oh your notehellip well yes but I

hadnrsquot realized I thought you were hellip well you know terribly sorry (father enters) Oh this is your

father hellip what most of the wedding guest dead yes well Im very sorry But I can explain everything

I didnt really mean tohellipthe thing is I thought your son was a lady What quite understandable

Well that isnrsquot a very nice thing to say about your own son I mean it really wasnrsquot his fault Please sir

leave him alone This poor little chap is your son sir All he ever wanted was a little love and affection

but did you ever give it to him No no (Becoming emotional) Ill wager you denied him You try to

kill him and worse far worse you try to marry him off to some girl some female that he obviously has

no feelings for whatsoever Yes yes I know a little bit about bullying fathers you bastard Have you no

heart Have you no human tenderness Cant you see that all hes asking for is a little love and

understanding (Almost overcome) Is that too much to ask Is it Too Much To Ask

Brother Maynard Male (could be played by a women)

The Book of Armaments Chapter One Verses Nine through twentyseven And Saint Attila raised the

holy hand grenade up on high saying Oh Lord bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest

blow thine enemies to tiny bits in thy mercy And the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon the

lambs and stoats and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats And the

Lord spake saying First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin Then shalt thou count to three no more no

less Three shall be the number thou shalt count and the number of the counting shalt be three Four shalt

thou not count nor neither count thou two excepting that thou then proceed to three Five is right out

Once the number three being the third number be reached then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade of

Antioch towards thy foe who being naughty in my sight shall snuff it Amen And now the

Congregation shall rise and sing Hymn 101 Get Your Hand Off My Knee You Dirty Old Bastard

Tim The Enchanter Male (could be played by a women) Heavy Scottish accent

Greetings King Arthur Yes I know your name I am an enchanterhellip there are some who call mehellip Tim

You seek the Holy Grail Only the bravest will find it Below me lies the cave of Caerbannog wherein

carved upon the very living rock there be a clue which shall lead ye directly to your goal But think well

before you step into this cave for the entrance way is guarded by a beast so foul so cruel no man yet has

fought this evil beast and lived So be you warned brave knights for death awaits you all with nasty great

big pointy teeth (demonstrates nasty pointy teeth) Wait Too late There it is Cringe you mortals at the

site of hellip No no not behind the rabbithellip It is the Rabbit Look this is no ordinary rabbit This is the

most foul cruel and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on He wonrsquot just nibble your bum This

rabbits got a vicious streak a mile wide Its a killer Itll do you up a treat mate Look Im warning you

(Watching the rabbit carnage) Not so brave now are you I warned you Oh but you knew it all didnt

you Oh its just a harmless little bunny isnt it Well its always the same I always tell them but they

never ever ever listen (exits)

The following monologues are not from Spamalot but are from other Monty Python

projects and follow the same style If none of the monologues above fit the part you are

looking for you may also use any of these to audition with

DEAD PARROT SKETCH MaleFemale (English accent)

Now look mate Ive definitely ad enough of this That parrot is definitely deceased and when I purchased it

not Alf an hour ago you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein tired and shagged out

following a prolonged squawk (beat) PININ for the FJORDS What kind of talk is that look why

did he fall flat on his back the moment I got im home (beat) Es not pinin Es passed on This parrot is no

more He has ceased to be Es expired and gone to meet is maker Es a stiff Bereft of life e rests in

peace If you hadnt nailed im to the perch ed be pushing up the daisies Is metabolic processes are now

istory Es off the twig Es kicked the bucket es shuffled off is mortal coil run down the curtain and

joined the bleedin choir in the vestibule THIS IS AN EX-PARROT

EXECUTIVE INTRO MaleFemale (English accent)

Announcer Congratulations on buying the executive version of this record You have chosen wisely and we

value your discerning taste in deciding to pay the few extra pence for a product of real quality Everything on

this record has been designed to meet the exacting standards which you have naturally come to expect The

record itself is made from the very finest Colombian extruded polyvinyl The center hole has been created to

fit exactly onto your spindle with all the precision of finest Swiss craftsmanship The audio content has been

quality graded to give you the finest in listening pleasure There is little or no offensive material apart from

four cunts one clitoris and a foreskin And as they only occur in this opening introduction youre past them

now You can relax and enjoy this quality product secure in the knowledge that it has been specially created

for the lover of fine things and the man of good taste (He farts or belches loudly) Oh Sorry You can edit

that out cant you

FILM PREMIER MaleFemale (English accent)

Announcer Hello and welcome to Old Compton Street its a mild night here warm for early April and a

large crowd has gathered outside to watch this great gala night for the stars The cars are arriving quite fast

now heres a beautiful Rolls Royce Silver Corniche all white sliding gracefully up to the doors of the

cinema Commissioner Alf Venables ex-father of Terry steps forward opens the door and out steps a

radiant Miss Taylor herself looking absolutely stunning and off the shoulder organza and silk dress and next

comes Burt Reynolds in a huge red Ferrari sports car and My God Burt Reynolds has run into the back of

the Corniche and Miss Taylor turns and makes a splendid gesture (car screeching) Great heavens Its Steve

McQueen whose 18-gear Daytona special has somersaulted through the air and plowed into the back bumper

of --- And whos this coming through the windscreen of the Miniyes its lovely star Barbara Streisand

flying through the air in a beautiful Bill Gibb creationand shes landed half on Roger Moore looking quite

well and half on Jack Nicholson whos not so well and whos that under the back wheel Itsyes Its Faye

Dunaway No noits Victor Mature in the blazing chaos--- Yes all the stars are here tonightthats Joan

Crawford squashed in between the bonnet Pete Murray and the box office doorand Shirley Temple

battered out of all definition

THE MONEY PROGRAM MaleFemale (English accent)

Announcer Good evening and welcome to The Money Programme Tonight on The Money Programme

were going to look at money Lots of it On film and in the studio Some of it in nice piles others in lovely

clanky bits of loose change some of it neatly counted into fat little hundreds (starting to get excited) delicate

fivers stuffed into bulging wallets nice crisp clean checks pert pieces of copper coinage thrust deep into

trouser pockets romantic foreign money rolling against the thigh with rough familiarity (getting carried

away) beautiful wayward curly-cued banknotes filigree copper plating cheek by jowl with tumbling

hexagonal milled edges rubbing gently against the terse leather of beautifully balanced bank books (collects

himself) Im sorry But I love money All money Ive always wanted money(getting worked up again) To

handle To touch The smell of the rain-washed florin The lure of the lira (standing on the desk) The glitter

and the glory of the guinea The romance of the rouble The feel of the franc the heel of the Deutschmark

The cold antiseptic sting of the Swiss franc and the sunburnt splendor of the Australian dollar

French Taunter Male (could be played by a women)

Allo Who is it what do you want This is the castle of my master Guy de Loimbard The French

bastard Hohellip so you want him to help you find the holy grail Well Ill ask him but I dont think hell

be very keen Hes already got one you see Oh yes its very nice(Aside) Hey I told him we already got

one Nohellip you can not see ithellipyou are English bed-wetting types and Im French Why do you think I

have this outrageous accent you silly kingOhhh You dont frighten us English pig-dogs Go and boil

your bottoms sons of a silly person I blow my nose at you so called Arthur-king you and all your silly

English knnnniggets I dont want to talk to you no more you empty headed animal food trough wipers

I fart in your general direction Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries Now go

away or I shall taunt you a second time No there is not one else to speak to you son of a window-dresser

I wave my private parts at your aunties you tinybrained wipers of other peoples bottoms I burst my

pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing you cheesy lot of second-hand electric

donkey bottom biters (Blows a raspberry) Thppt Oh no Oh gee We are so scared Oh hey did I

mention before to you Thhppt

Lady of the Lake Female

But youre not alone Arthur Havent you noticed Ive been with you all the time Who gave you the

sword who made you King who welcomed you to Camelot who helped you off on your quest Sure

Ive been off stage for far too long but I am here to help you and I always have been and so has Patsy

You see Arthur dear were all here to help each other To complete your quest you must put on a

broadway show and Youve been in a ldquoBroadway -Likerdquo show all the time Now you have to finish the

show It is a musical so you have to find the Grail and end with a wedding Oh but who will you

marryhellip Well it would have to be someone who loved you and cared for you enough to give you a

sword to make you King to welcome you to Camelot to help you off on your quest (listening)hellip

What Me Oh not I couldnrsquothellipOK

Sir Lancelot Male

(enters sword waving having just killed many of the party guests he goes down on one knee) Oh fair one

behold your humble servant Sir Lancelot from the Court of Camelot I have come to take you away

and (looks ups and seersquos it isnrsquot a girl) oh Im sorryhellipI got this note oh your notehellip well yes but I

hadnrsquot realized I thought you were hellip well you know terribly sorry (father enters) Oh this is your

father hellip what most of the wedding guest dead yes well Im very sorry But I can explain everything

I didnt really mean tohellipthe thing is I thought your son was a lady What quite understandable

Well that isnrsquot a very nice thing to say about your own son I mean it really wasnrsquot his fault Please sir

leave him alone This poor little chap is your son sir All he ever wanted was a little love and affection

but did you ever give it to him No no (Becoming emotional) Ill wager you denied him You try to

kill him and worse far worse you try to marry him off to some girl some female that he obviously has

no feelings for whatsoever Yes yes I know a little bit about bullying fathers you bastard Have you no

heart Have you no human tenderness Cant you see that all hes asking for is a little love and

understanding (Almost overcome) Is that too much to ask Is it Too Much To Ask

Brother Maynard Male (could be played by a women)

The Book of Armaments Chapter One Verses Nine through twentyseven And Saint Attila raised the

holy hand grenade up on high saying Oh Lord bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest

blow thine enemies to tiny bits in thy mercy And the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon the

lambs and stoats and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats And the

Lord spake saying First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin Then shalt thou count to three no more no

less Three shall be the number thou shalt count and the number of the counting shalt be three Four shalt

thou not count nor neither count thou two excepting that thou then proceed to three Five is right out

Once the number three being the third number be reached then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade of

Antioch towards thy foe who being naughty in my sight shall snuff it Amen And now the

Congregation shall rise and sing Hymn 101 Get Your Hand Off My Knee You Dirty Old Bastard

Tim The Enchanter Male (could be played by a women) Heavy Scottish accent

Greetings King Arthur Yes I know your name I am an enchanterhellip there are some who call mehellip Tim

You seek the Holy Grail Only the bravest will find it Below me lies the cave of Caerbannog wherein

carved upon the very living rock there be a clue which shall lead ye directly to your goal But think well

before you step into this cave for the entrance way is guarded by a beast so foul so cruel no man yet has

fought this evil beast and lived So be you warned brave knights for death awaits you all with nasty great

big pointy teeth (demonstrates nasty pointy teeth) Wait Too late There it is Cringe you mortals at the

site of hellip No no not behind the rabbithellip It is the Rabbit Look this is no ordinary rabbit This is the

most foul cruel and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on He wonrsquot just nibble your bum This

rabbits got a vicious streak a mile wide Its a killer Itll do you up a treat mate Look Im warning you

(Watching the rabbit carnage) Not so brave now are you I warned you Oh but you knew it all didnt

you Oh its just a harmless little bunny isnt it Well its always the same I always tell them but they

never ever ever listen (exits)

The following monologues are not from Spamalot but are from other Monty Python

projects and follow the same style If none of the monologues above fit the part you are

looking for you may also use any of these to audition with

DEAD PARROT SKETCH MaleFemale (English accent)

Now look mate Ive definitely ad enough of this That parrot is definitely deceased and when I purchased it

not Alf an hour ago you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein tired and shagged out

following a prolonged squawk (beat) PININ for the FJORDS What kind of talk is that look why

did he fall flat on his back the moment I got im home (beat) Es not pinin Es passed on This parrot is no

more He has ceased to be Es expired and gone to meet is maker Es a stiff Bereft of life e rests in

peace If you hadnt nailed im to the perch ed be pushing up the daisies Is metabolic processes are now

istory Es off the twig Es kicked the bucket es shuffled off is mortal coil run down the curtain and

joined the bleedin choir in the vestibule THIS IS AN EX-PARROT

EXECUTIVE INTRO MaleFemale (English accent)

Announcer Congratulations on buying the executive version of this record You have chosen wisely and we

value your discerning taste in deciding to pay the few extra pence for a product of real quality Everything on

this record has been designed to meet the exacting standards which you have naturally come to expect The

record itself is made from the very finest Colombian extruded polyvinyl The center hole has been created to

fit exactly onto your spindle with all the precision of finest Swiss craftsmanship The audio content has been

quality graded to give you the finest in listening pleasure There is little or no offensive material apart from

four cunts one clitoris and a foreskin And as they only occur in this opening introduction youre past them

now You can relax and enjoy this quality product secure in the knowledge that it has been specially created

for the lover of fine things and the man of good taste (He farts or belches loudly) Oh Sorry You can edit

that out cant you

FILM PREMIER MaleFemale (English accent)

Announcer Hello and welcome to Old Compton Street its a mild night here warm for early April and a

large crowd has gathered outside to watch this great gala night for the stars The cars are arriving quite fast

now heres a beautiful Rolls Royce Silver Corniche all white sliding gracefully up to the doors of the

cinema Commissioner Alf Venables ex-father of Terry steps forward opens the door and out steps a

radiant Miss Taylor herself looking absolutely stunning and off the shoulder organza and silk dress and next

comes Burt Reynolds in a huge red Ferrari sports car and My God Burt Reynolds has run into the back of

the Corniche and Miss Taylor turns and makes a splendid gesture (car screeching) Great heavens Its Steve

McQueen whose 18-gear Daytona special has somersaulted through the air and plowed into the back bumper

of --- And whos this coming through the windscreen of the Miniyes its lovely star Barbara Streisand

flying through the air in a beautiful Bill Gibb creationand shes landed half on Roger Moore looking quite

well and half on Jack Nicholson whos not so well and whos that under the back wheel Itsyes Its Faye

Dunaway No noits Victor Mature in the blazing chaos--- Yes all the stars are here tonightthats Joan

Crawford squashed in between the bonnet Pete Murray and the box office doorand Shirley Temple

battered out of all definition

THE MONEY PROGRAM MaleFemale (English accent)

Announcer Good evening and welcome to The Money Programme Tonight on The Money Programme

were going to look at money Lots of it On film and in the studio Some of it in nice piles others in lovely

clanky bits of loose change some of it neatly counted into fat little hundreds (starting to get excited) delicate

fivers stuffed into bulging wallets nice crisp clean checks pert pieces of copper coinage thrust deep into

trouser pockets romantic foreign money rolling against the thigh with rough familiarity (getting carried

away) beautiful wayward curly-cued banknotes filigree copper plating cheek by jowl with tumbling

hexagonal milled edges rubbing gently against the terse leather of beautifully balanced bank books (collects

himself) Im sorry But I love money All money Ive always wanted money(getting worked up again) To

handle To touch The smell of the rain-washed florin The lure of the lira (standing on the desk) The glitter

and the glory of the guinea The romance of the rouble The feel of the franc the heel of the Deutschmark

The cold antiseptic sting of the Swiss franc and the sunburnt splendor of the Australian dollar

Brother Maynard Male (could be played by a women)

The Book of Armaments Chapter One Verses Nine through twentyseven And Saint Attila raised the

holy hand grenade up on high saying Oh Lord bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest

blow thine enemies to tiny bits in thy mercy And the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon the

lambs and stoats and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats And the

Lord spake saying First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin Then shalt thou count to three no more no

less Three shall be the number thou shalt count and the number of the counting shalt be three Four shalt

thou not count nor neither count thou two excepting that thou then proceed to three Five is right out

Once the number three being the third number be reached then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade of

Antioch towards thy foe who being naughty in my sight shall snuff it Amen And now the

Congregation shall rise and sing Hymn 101 Get Your Hand Off My Knee You Dirty Old Bastard

Tim The Enchanter Male (could be played by a women) Heavy Scottish accent

Greetings King Arthur Yes I know your name I am an enchanterhellip there are some who call mehellip Tim

You seek the Holy Grail Only the bravest will find it Below me lies the cave of Caerbannog wherein

carved upon the very living rock there be a clue which shall lead ye directly to your goal But think well

before you step into this cave for the entrance way is guarded by a beast so foul so cruel no man yet has

fought this evil beast and lived So be you warned brave knights for death awaits you all with nasty great

big pointy teeth (demonstrates nasty pointy teeth) Wait Too late There it is Cringe you mortals at the

site of hellip No no not behind the rabbithellip It is the Rabbit Look this is no ordinary rabbit This is the

most foul cruel and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on He wonrsquot just nibble your bum This

rabbits got a vicious streak a mile wide Its a killer Itll do you up a treat mate Look Im warning you

(Watching the rabbit carnage) Not so brave now are you I warned you Oh but you knew it all didnt

you Oh its just a harmless little bunny isnt it Well its always the same I always tell them but they

never ever ever listen (exits)

The following monologues are not from Spamalot but are from other Monty Python

projects and follow the same style If none of the monologues above fit the part you are

looking for you may also use any of these to audition with

DEAD PARROT SKETCH MaleFemale (English accent)

Now look mate Ive definitely ad enough of this That parrot is definitely deceased and when I purchased it

not Alf an hour ago you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein tired and shagged out

following a prolonged squawk (beat) PININ for the FJORDS What kind of talk is that look why

did he fall flat on his back the moment I got im home (beat) Es not pinin Es passed on This parrot is no

more He has ceased to be Es expired and gone to meet is maker Es a stiff Bereft of life e rests in

peace If you hadnt nailed im to the perch ed be pushing up the daisies Is metabolic processes are now

istory Es off the twig Es kicked the bucket es shuffled off is mortal coil run down the curtain and

joined the bleedin choir in the vestibule THIS IS AN EX-PARROT

EXECUTIVE INTRO MaleFemale (English accent)

Announcer Congratulations on buying the executive version of this record You have chosen wisely and we

value your discerning taste in deciding to pay the few extra pence for a product of real quality Everything on

this record has been designed to meet the exacting standards which you have naturally come to expect The

record itself is made from the very finest Colombian extruded polyvinyl The center hole has been created to

fit exactly onto your spindle with all the precision of finest Swiss craftsmanship The audio content has been

quality graded to give you the finest in listening pleasure There is little or no offensive material apart from

four cunts one clitoris and a foreskin And as they only occur in this opening introduction youre past them

now You can relax and enjoy this quality product secure in the knowledge that it has been specially created

for the lover of fine things and the man of good taste (He farts or belches loudly) Oh Sorry You can edit

that out cant you

FILM PREMIER MaleFemale (English accent)

Announcer Hello and welcome to Old Compton Street its a mild night here warm for early April and a

large crowd has gathered outside to watch this great gala night for the stars The cars are arriving quite fast

now heres a beautiful Rolls Royce Silver Corniche all white sliding gracefully up to the doors of the

cinema Commissioner Alf Venables ex-father of Terry steps forward opens the door and out steps a

radiant Miss Taylor herself looking absolutely stunning and off the shoulder organza and silk dress and next

comes Burt Reynolds in a huge red Ferrari sports car and My God Burt Reynolds has run into the back of

the Corniche and Miss Taylor turns and makes a splendid gesture (car screeching) Great heavens Its Steve

McQueen whose 18-gear Daytona special has somersaulted through the air and plowed into the back bumper

of --- And whos this coming through the windscreen of the Miniyes its lovely star Barbara Streisand

flying through the air in a beautiful Bill Gibb creationand shes landed half on Roger Moore looking quite

well and half on Jack Nicholson whos not so well and whos that under the back wheel Itsyes Its Faye

Dunaway No noits Victor Mature in the blazing chaos--- Yes all the stars are here tonightthats Joan

Crawford squashed in between the bonnet Pete Murray and the box office doorand Shirley Temple

battered out of all definition

THE MONEY PROGRAM MaleFemale (English accent)

Announcer Good evening and welcome to The Money Programme Tonight on The Money Programme

were going to look at money Lots of it On film and in the studio Some of it in nice piles others in lovely

clanky bits of loose change some of it neatly counted into fat little hundreds (starting to get excited) delicate

fivers stuffed into bulging wallets nice crisp clean checks pert pieces of copper coinage thrust deep into

trouser pockets romantic foreign money rolling against the thigh with rough familiarity (getting carried

away) beautiful wayward curly-cued banknotes filigree copper plating cheek by jowl with tumbling

hexagonal milled edges rubbing gently against the terse leather of beautifully balanced bank books (collects

himself) Im sorry But I love money All money Ive always wanted money(getting worked up again) To

handle To touch The smell of the rain-washed florin The lure of the lira (standing on the desk) The glitter

and the glory of the guinea The romance of the rouble The feel of the franc the heel of the Deutschmark

The cold antiseptic sting of the Swiss franc and the sunburnt splendor of the Australian dollar

The following monologues are not from Spamalot but are from other Monty Python

projects and follow the same style If none of the monologues above fit the part you are

looking for you may also use any of these to audition with

DEAD PARROT SKETCH MaleFemale (English accent)

Now look mate Ive definitely ad enough of this That parrot is definitely deceased and when I purchased it

not Alf an hour ago you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein tired and shagged out

following a prolonged squawk (beat) PININ for the FJORDS What kind of talk is that look why

did he fall flat on his back the moment I got im home (beat) Es not pinin Es passed on This parrot is no

more He has ceased to be Es expired and gone to meet is maker Es a stiff Bereft of life e rests in

peace If you hadnt nailed im to the perch ed be pushing up the daisies Is metabolic processes are now

istory Es off the twig Es kicked the bucket es shuffled off is mortal coil run down the curtain and

joined the bleedin choir in the vestibule THIS IS AN EX-PARROT

EXECUTIVE INTRO MaleFemale (English accent)

Announcer Congratulations on buying the executive version of this record You have chosen wisely and we

value your discerning taste in deciding to pay the few extra pence for a product of real quality Everything on

this record has been designed to meet the exacting standards which you have naturally come to expect The

record itself is made from the very finest Colombian extruded polyvinyl The center hole has been created to

fit exactly onto your spindle with all the precision of finest Swiss craftsmanship The audio content has been

quality graded to give you the finest in listening pleasure There is little or no offensive material apart from

four cunts one clitoris and a foreskin And as they only occur in this opening introduction youre past them

now You can relax and enjoy this quality product secure in the knowledge that it has been specially created

for the lover of fine things and the man of good taste (He farts or belches loudly) Oh Sorry You can edit

that out cant you

FILM PREMIER MaleFemale (English accent)

Announcer Hello and welcome to Old Compton Street its a mild night here warm for early April and a

large crowd has gathered outside to watch this great gala night for the stars The cars are arriving quite fast

now heres a beautiful Rolls Royce Silver Corniche all white sliding gracefully up to the doors of the

cinema Commissioner Alf Venables ex-father of Terry steps forward opens the door and out steps a

radiant Miss Taylor herself looking absolutely stunning and off the shoulder organza and silk dress and next

comes Burt Reynolds in a huge red Ferrari sports car and My God Burt Reynolds has run into the back of

the Corniche and Miss Taylor turns and makes a splendid gesture (car screeching) Great heavens Its Steve

McQueen whose 18-gear Daytona special has somersaulted through the air and plowed into the back bumper

of --- And whos this coming through the windscreen of the Miniyes its lovely star Barbara Streisand

flying through the air in a beautiful Bill Gibb creationand shes landed half on Roger Moore looking quite

well and half on Jack Nicholson whos not so well and whos that under the back wheel Itsyes Its Faye

Dunaway No noits Victor Mature in the blazing chaos--- Yes all the stars are here tonightthats Joan

Crawford squashed in between the bonnet Pete Murray and the box office doorand Shirley Temple

battered out of all definition

THE MONEY PROGRAM MaleFemale (English accent)

Announcer Good evening and welcome to The Money Programme Tonight on The Money Programme

were going to look at money Lots of it On film and in the studio Some of it in nice piles others in lovely

clanky bits of loose change some of it neatly counted into fat little hundreds (starting to get excited) delicate

fivers stuffed into bulging wallets nice crisp clean checks pert pieces of copper coinage thrust deep into

trouser pockets romantic foreign money rolling against the thigh with rough familiarity (getting carried

away) beautiful wayward curly-cued banknotes filigree copper plating cheek by jowl with tumbling

hexagonal milled edges rubbing gently against the terse leather of beautifully balanced bank books (collects

himself) Im sorry But I love money All money Ive always wanted money(getting worked up again) To

handle To touch The smell of the rain-washed florin The lure of the lira (standing on the desk) The glitter

and the glory of the guinea The romance of the rouble The feel of the franc the heel of the Deutschmark

The cold antiseptic sting of the Swiss franc and the sunburnt splendor of the Australian dollar

THE MONEY PROGRAM MaleFemale (English accent)

Announcer Good evening and welcome to The Money Programme Tonight on The Money Programme

were going to look at money Lots of it On film and in the studio Some of it in nice piles others in lovely

clanky bits of loose change some of it neatly counted into fat little hundreds (starting to get excited) delicate

fivers stuffed into bulging wallets nice crisp clean checks pert pieces of copper coinage thrust deep into

trouser pockets romantic foreign money rolling against the thigh with rough familiarity (getting carried

away) beautiful wayward curly-cued banknotes filigree copper plating cheek by jowl with tumbling

hexagonal milled edges rubbing gently against the terse leather of beautifully balanced bank books (collects

himself) Im sorry But I love money All money Ive always wanted money(getting worked up again) To

handle To touch The smell of the rain-washed florin The lure of the lira (standing on the desk) The glitter

and the glory of the guinea The romance of the rouble The feel of the franc the heel of the Deutschmark

The cold antiseptic sting of the Swiss franc and the sunburnt splendor of the Australian dollar