https://learn.extension.org/events/2675

This material is based upon work supported by the National Institute of Food and Agriculture, U.S. Department of Agriculture, and the Office of Family

Readiness Policy, U.S. Department of Defense under Award Numbers 2014-48770-22587 and 2015-48770-24368.

Picking up the Pieces: Helping Couples

Overcome Infidelity

1

Connecting military family service providers

and Cooperative Extension professionals to research

and to each other through engaging online learning opportunities

www.extension.org/militaryfamilies

MFLN Intro

2Sign up for webinar email notifications at

Today’s Presenter

3

Emily Brown, LCSW

• Director of Key Bridge Therapy Center in Arlington, VA

• Works with individuals, couples, and families regarding

the underlying issues in relationships, marriage, divorce,

and betrayal

• Holds workshops for professionals on treating issues

associated with extramarital affairs and other relationship

issues

Picking up the Pieces:

Helping Couples

Overcome Infidelity

Presented by: Emily Brown, LCSW

4

Key Bridge

Therapy Center1600 Wilson Blvd.

Suite 701

Arlington, VA 22209

keybridgectr@Verizon.net

703-528-3900

5

Discussion

• How many of you work with or have worked with

individuals/couples where there has been an affair?

• For those of you who answered “yes,” do you find it

difficult? And, in what ways?

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Special Difficulties for Military

Families

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What do you find

most difficult about

working with

military families who

are dealing with

affairs?

Is it harder for you

to address affairs

with military families

than non-military?http://bit.ly/29ZiHSo

Types of Affairs

• Conflict Avoidance

• Intimacy Avoidance

• Sexual Addiction

• Split Self

• Exit

• Entitlement8

http://bit.ly/2aJU4Gh

Typical Characteristics by Type of Affair

Gender of Straying Partner

Length of Marriage Before Affair

Duration of Affair

Level of Emotional Involvement in Affair

Who Presents for Therapy

Likelihood of Divorce

Best/Worst Outcome

9

Conflict Avoidance

10

Gender of

Straying

Partner

Length of

Marriage

Before

Affair

Duration

of Affair

Level of

Emotional

Involvement

Who

Presents for

Therapy

Probability

Of

Divorce

Best/

Worst

Outcome

Male or

Female

Less than 12

years

Brief Minimal Straying

Partner or

Couple

Low Best-Solid

Marriage

Worst- Other

affairs or

divorce

Intimacy Avoidance

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Gender of

Straying

Partner

Length of

Marriage

Before Affair

Duration

of Affair

Level of

Emotional

Involvement

Who

Presents

for

Therapy

Probability

Of

Divorce

Best/

Worst

Outcome

Male or

Female

Less than 6

years

Brief Minimal Couple Low Best-Solid

Marriage

Worst-

Other

affairs or

divorce

Sexual Addiction

12

Gender of

Straying

Partner

Length of

Marriage

Before

Affair

Duration

of Affair

Level of

Emotional

Involvement

Who

Presents

for

Therapy

Probability

Of

Divorce

Best/

Worst

Outcome

Male 0 years Brief None Straying

Partner or

Spouse

Low Best-Family

in Recovery

Worst-

Damaged

Family and

Public

Humiliation

Split Self

13

Gender of

Straying

Partner

Length of

Marriage

Before Affair

Duration

of Affair

Level of

Emotional

Involvement

Who

Presents

for

Therapy

Probability

Of

Divorce

Best/

Worst

Outcome

Male 20 or more

years

2 or more

years

Great Couples,

Straying

Partner,

or Spouse

Above

Average

Best- Revived

Marriage or

Divorce

Worst-Empty

Shell

Marriage or

Divorce

Exit

14

Gender of

Straying

Partner

Length of

Marriage

Before Affair

Duration

of Affair

Level of

Emotional

Involvement

Who

Presents

for

Therapy

Probability

Of

Divorce

Best/

Worst

Outcome

Male or

Female

Less than 15

years

6 months

to 2 years

Some Couple or

Spouse

Extremely

High

Best-

Resolve

issues of

ending

marriage

Worst-

Unresolved

Loss

Discussion

CASE EXAMPLES

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Issues in Revealing an Affair

• Determining Whether there is an Affair

• When to Reveal an Affair

• Planning for Revelation

• Revealing the Affair

• Is Revelation of Past Affairs Necessary for Couples?

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Determining whether there is an Affair

• Common Indicators that there is an affair

• When you suspect an affair

17

When to Reveal an Affair

• Conflict Avoiders - help infidel reveal affair promptly

• Intimacy Avoiders - help infidel reveal affair promptly

• Sexual Addicts - confront the denial until infidel is ready to reveal the

affair, confront spouse’s denial

• Split Selves - when working with couples, help infidel reveal affair promptly,

if seeing only infidel for therapy, you have more time to work toward revelation

• Exit - revelation contraindicated when separation is imminent or during legal

proceedings because of potential for destructive legal process, exceptions: when

spouse asks about affair 18

Planning for Revelation

• Specific plan for revealing the affair: where and

when, how to start, what to say and what not to say,

information the spouse needs, rehearse, preparation

for the reaction

• When infidel drags feet about revealing

19

Revealing the Affair

• Let infidel be responsible for revealing to spouse

• Provide emotional support for each partner

• Make sure individual sessions are known

• Disallow any attempt to discuss forgiveness

• Frame revelation as positive step

20

Is Revelation of Past Affairs

Necessary for Couples?

• Not a dump and get rid of it, but why it

happened, how it affected marriage, and closure

• Judgment calls: Risks? Outcome if not dealt

with?

21

Affairs are not really about sex, but are symptomatic of deeper issues that

haven’t been addressed.

For therapists, the challenge is in helping their clients shift from the

devastation of the affair into using the experience as a catalyst for resolving

“old baggage” and developing the promise and the possibilities in their lives.

22

Intervening Effectively

• Immediate Threat

• Goals for Early Sessions

• Control Communication

• Provide a Safe Haven for Exploring the

Situation

23

Immediate Threat

• Conflict and Intimacy Avoiders- People telling

them to hire an attorney and file for divorce.

Working on the marriage means pain and work

without guarantee of success.

• Sexual Addicts- More denial

• Split Selves- No immediate threat

• Exit- Serious about separating, crazy legal fight24

Goals for Early Sessions

• Diagnose type of affair

• Slow them down

• Forestall impulsive behavior

• Any other goals you would suggest or that you

find helpful?

25

Control Communication

• Limit discussion of affair - except for Sexual

Addiction

• Acknowledge pain and rage, but reframe issue

• Refuse to discuss right/wrong

• Insist speak only for self

26

Provide a Safe Haven

for Exploring the Situation

• Normalize, support both

• Suggest next step

• Focus your interventions around the hidden

message

• Suggest no decisions about marriage until they

understand how they arrived at current situation

• Resist all attempts to get you to take sides 27

Forgiveness and Closure

• Closure for Couples Who Stay Together

• Closure for Couples Whose Marriage Ends

28

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Q & A

29https://pixabay.com/en/light-bulb-idea-consider-know-1002783/

Recommended Resources

• Affairs: A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of InfidelityA supportive guide that offers couples clear advice on how to work through the emotional and practical fallout of infidelity. Affairs is a healing guide, giving readers the knowledge and information they need to deal with difficult issues, make peace with themselves and each other, and move on.

• Patterns of Infidelity and Their Treatment (Second Edition)Written for mental health professionals in a simple readable style. Critical treatment issues are addressed including disclosure of an affair, reducing obsessive behavior, preventing affair-related violence, and resolving the underlying issues that led to the affair.

• The Affair as a Catalyst for Change, by Emily M. BrownIn “A Practicioners Guide to Working with Couples in Crisis,” Edited by Paul Peluso.

• The Upside of Infidelity, written by Hanna Rosin for Slate.com – January 19, 2014Describes the work of Emily Brown 30

What is one significant thing

you learned today?

31

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www.extension.org/62581

36This material is based upon work supported by the National Institute of Food and Agriculture, U.S. Department of Agriculture, and the Office of Family

Readiness Policy, U.S. Department of Defense under Award Numbers 2014-48770-22587 and 2015-48770-24368.