You’re Not AloneBy Peter Salcido

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Table of Contents Pg. 4-5 ~ Dedication

Pg. 6-7 ~ Foreword

Pg. 8-9 ~ Mom’s Need Help? Introduction

Pg. 10-11 ~ Intro page for Programs

Pg. 12-13 ~ Programs for Moms

Pg. 14-15 ~ More About Programs...

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Pg. 16-17 ~ Single Dads

Pg. 18-19 ~ Prepare

Pg. 20-21 ~ Ages and Stages

Pg. 22-23 ~ Ages and Stages continued

Pg. 24-25 ~ Single Moms + Single Dads

Pg. 26-27 ~ Conclusion

Pg. 28-29 ~ Contact Information

Pg. 30 ~ Works Cited

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DedicationI would like to dedicate this book to all the single moms out there going through hard times; learning to cope with rasing your child.

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ForewordMy mom Joined the single mother club early. Even though my mom has support from fam-ily members and the father of her child, she still goes through a lot of hardships and struggles to keep my brother and me happy. Her dedi-cation and support she gives to me keeps my family in order and Inspires me to work just as hard. Many single mothers go through so much emotional and financial struggles; in-spiring me to make a difference. I want to be the one who they refer back to when they are unsure about things. I want to be the one who informs single moms not to panic or not be overwhelmed; to breath and not ever feel alone.

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My goal for this essay is to make a guide of what single moms need to consider while starting their journey as single moms. The supplies and support mandatory to have, while not over stressing about it too much. I did interview my mom to asked her many questions about what life was like when I was young. I discovered the different hardships she went through with me and my dad; the emotional support she desperately needed. I also interviewed another single mom who had no support and had her child when she was in high school. And that she actually graduated high school early to get a job to support herself and her child, with no father support. For this topic I had a difficult time finding good photos that I could relate to my topic. Hope you enjoy reading this guide and it helps you out alot.

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Moms, need help?The first step to being a single mother is accepting the situation. You are single and you are about to have a child; don’t worry things happen for a reason and it will work out if you want it to. You need to realize that you are now a single mother and have the strength and energy to get through this. It will be tough, But hang in there. From the book called The Complete Single Mother by Andrea Engber and Leah Klungness they explain how single moms don’t always take re-sponsibility for their actions and like to be the victim, “From this moment on, if you have ever felt like a victim, tell yourself that you will no longer be a victim in your eyes or in anyone else’s. If you’ve been viewed as villainous because you’ve made choices that didn’t agree with others’ expectations, let it go. As a woman and mother, you are powerful”(Engber and Klungness p. 3).After reading this essay, go and buy it or check it out in your local library. It will be very useful for more help and guidelines for all your questions about motherhood. Now back to the quote, have you felt like you had regrets? Or feel victimized? Well stop and let all that go, buckle down and get crackin’ because you are now in charge of a baby; your teachings will reflect in your child. It is said that if you put your mind to it you can accomplish anything, which is correct! Believe in yourself and be willing to work hard to be a great role model for your child.

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It does go both ways your child will teach you, according to Engber and Klungness, “You can achieve whatever it is you want out of life. In fact, many women are convinced they would not have accomplished their desired goals had they not had to learn to rely on their own abilities and wit. Thousands of women have not only survived single motherhood but have also emerged as powerful and dynamic people whose hidden talents and resources would have been dormant if they had not accepted the challenges of single parenting as an opportunity for personal growth”(p. 5). There is always a bright side to every-thing in life. Some might say that because of their child they have learned so much about responsibility and determination. You have to be a hard working mother for your child and you will build that strength as time goes on. A sin-gle mother named Margaret Millan has three children. She had to pick up two jobs to support her family; while interacting with her kids and teaching them life long lessons. She said “I had to teach my oldest child Aj to care and love his brother and sister; to take care of them and look out for them in school because I had to pay the bills and put food on the table. It was very hard, not only on my oldest son but on me as well. I had my son, grow up fast; not hav-ing a normal childhood. I didn’t want that but I had no choice with a single parent running a two parent system is tough enough”(Millan). Her story is inspiring to hear because she never gave up, even though times got very tough Ms. Millan stuck it out and made it work. She developed a system that worked for her and had goals to achieve.

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Getting Help

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Every Hospital has mother support programs. If you go onto Google and type in El Camino Hospital you can find the calender, in which what days you may attend the classes they offer at El camino hospital and you can read about how you can sign up, get more information on what you will be learning, like how to breastfeed your infant the cor-rect way and even information on before the child is born what you can do.

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ProgramsPHP which stands for Parents Helping Parents is a great source to get your hand on. the majority of the info on there is about special needs kids and how to handle sticky situations, but it also has lists and different links that send you to other places like 4C’s. Which is a great place to go to if you are trying to get involved, and that is what you’re trying to do. You type in www.PHP.org and at the top of the page click on resources, which will bring you to a list of many different organizations just for you! And the organizations are all over the Bay Area. 13

More about Programs...

Sisters In Arms is an organization for single moms for emotional support and parental advice. Just for reassurance and guidance when you need it the most.

You can even use Planned parenthood as a tool to use for your questions. Planned Par-enthood has parent programs the teach you how to have special or certain talks with your child or be in workshops for mothers to de-velop a better understanding of different top-ics.

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SMC is another support group to get more help on parenting and help every single mother needs.

An organization for special needs kids and parents who need help dealing and getting through overwhelming times and provide training on various topics for special needs children.

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Getting your house ready for your baby can get overwhelming because there are many dangers a baby can face: knifes, stairs, electricity outlets, cabnets, stove, etc. Patching up all these loose ends is a lot of work.

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There is this great place called Baby Mall. It has all the inexpensive supplies you’ll need for your new baby. click on https://www.babymallonline.com/catalog/clearance.php to travel through baby mall and get all you purchases delivered right to you. And it’s runned by a organization called PHP in which you’ll learn about in the next chapter.

Babies R Us is a great place to find baby stuff: cribs, diapers, clothes, wipes, etc.

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Plan out the necessities you will need to survive. “When I realized my life was about to change I knew right then in there that I had to grow up fast and mature myself for this baby to have a good life and develop the right morals”(Young). She is right, if you’re not mature enough to handle this big responsibility grow up! But don’t lose hope you can and will do this and get through it just fine! The women I interviewed named Monique had no father support at all. She was still in high school and only had her mom to help out. Monique did not know her next move was going to be and struggled a lot. Her daughter is now 8 and is growing up fast and becoming a beautiful young lady. I don’t want you to worry as much or struggle as much, just follow these simple guidelines and you’ll be just fine. You will need supplies! diapers, wipes, blankets, pillows, clothes, thermometers, socks, bibs, high chair, crib, changing table,etc. all of it. Baby proofing your house is very important. Because once your baby starts to crawl and then walk you are going to be chas-ing them all over the place. Here’s a couple of safety precautions to fulfil: safety latches on low cabinets, plastic bags and wrap where your baby can’t find them, review house-hold plants to make sure none are poisonous, small items where your baby can reach them are dangerous because your baby can swallow them, keep cords out of reach and secure, cigarettes and cigarette lighters are banned for you child can get second hand smoke and develop a sickness. When your baby cries and cries and cries there are many ways to man-age it. Determine the cause and Assess yourself. The baby may be uncomfortable and babies may pick up your emotions and if you are uptight and frustrated the baby may be as well. Rocking back and forth is a way to sooth you and the baby. Also change a set of arms works well too, give your baby to your mom or someone who is there that wants to hold your baby, make sure you are comfortable with them holding your baby, will also get rid of the crying most of the time. If not go for a walk around the block to get some fresh air. Preparing for a baby is a lot of work. It takes a lot of planning to do and lots and lots of thought put into your plans and goals and different situations you will experience. But don’t freak yourself out and don’t overwhelm yourself too much. It takes a little bit to get used to but you’ll do just fine.

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Ages & Stages The last step would be to parent those ages and stages, meaning you have to think about school, day care, discipline, child care caution, and helping your child become a citizen of this world. It is tough raising a human being and preparing them for this world we call home. Since you are the one raising a child and teaching this child all the morals you know and the ways of thinking and acting you know, you have to be careful. According to Andrea Engber and Leah Klungness “We find that all families in our country face pretty much the same childrearing issues, such as providing a quality education; dealing with behavior and discipline problems; balancing work and family; and teaching kids to avoid drugs, crime, and heartbreak” (pg.205). This last step ties in all of your research you have been doing to better yourself and your child. As your child grows you grow, as a person and with ques-tions. Having questions is great but getting the correct answers is the hard part. There are many parenting books out there that tell you to do this or do that, and you can only do it this way or that way and are very demanding and forward, but I’m here to tell you that in fact and in conclusion it boils down to what you yourself want for your child.

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Your child your rules. We all have different ways of teaching our kids, which is a good thing. But there are good ways and bad ways. Good ways: Respecting your child, be patient, try to be calm and speak calm, make sure the child understands the problem or what point you are trying to make. Bad ways: yelling, blaming the child, not letting the child speak, not saying anything to the child at all. Role models are very important for single parent families. “You can raise a child successfully with one parent or two, as long as you build a network that connects your family to the rest of society by engag-ing others to serve as models and mentors, either directly or from a distance” (pg. 205 Engber & Klungness). A brother/sister or a cousin or a close friend are all great men-tors for your child to have and look up too. If you have a boy a male role model will be good especially for the later years, to teach him manly things, also your boy might at-tract to a male figure. If you have a girl it will be a little easier for you to get along with in the early years of her childhood and as she grows it may be more difficult to get along with her, which is normal but its important to be patient and realize it’s just a faze and it will pass.

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There are many parenting books out there that tell you to do this or do that, and you can only do it this way or that way and are very demanding and for-ward, but I’m here to tell you that in fact and in conclusion it boils down to what you yourself want for your child. Your child your rules. We all have differ-ent ways of teaching our kids, which is a good thing. But there are good ways and bad ways. Good ways: Respecting your child, be patient, try to be calm and speak calm, make sure the child understands the problem or what point you are trying to make. Bad ways: yelling, blaming the child, not letting the child speak, not saying anything to the child at all. I spoke with a Junior at Los Altos High School named Drianne Pantoja. She has lived with her mom being single her whole life. I asked her a few questions about growing up in a single parent household. She said, “My mom doesn’t get as much support as she should. My dad hasn’t been there for my brother and I, so we’ve never had a real man to teach us lessons that we’re supposed to learn from our fa-ther.” She said, “I don’t have anyone other than my mom and brother to lean on. So when my mom and I get into a fight I don’t have anyone to sup-port me other than my brother who isn’t always with me.” Drianne has lived a lonely life at times, and she would love to get more support from her mom. She also told me that her mom has anger management issues and her mom takes out the anger on her daughter. That is not the way to go about, because it takes a great impact on your child then on you. Drianne said, “My mom has no patience, never believes me, and does not know

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how to communicate.” These are factors a very important to have for a mom; especially for a single mom. When you’re a single mom your child may be the only person they have to look up to and gain support from. So you as a mom and as a person need to be the par-ent figure of the mom and of the dad.

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Single Moms & Single DadsWhat a thing to wonder, so if the world had more single dads would the world be a different place? Or would it just be flipped around and a weird thing to think about? Considering that single mothers thrived because of the liberations women were given throughout U.S. His-tory, women had the freedom to be a single mom, because believe it or not some single moms are single by choice. Back in the old days you had to be married or you were a whore if you had a baby and you weren’t married. Mostly because it wasn’t the “norm”. But in today’s society women who have a baby and are not married or have a father for the baby its okay, and help is always provided, which is one reason why single mom rate have been rising. In 2011 to 2012 the rate of single mothers went up about 3000 moms, from 10,025,000 to 10,322,000 moms(single mom guide).

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Single Moms & Single DadsI spoke with a single dad about the question; what is the difference be-tween a single mom and a single dad? I interviewed a single dad named Aj Diaz who has two boys. He stated that, “ Both single moms and single dads have to play both parts to succeed. Dads aren’t used to being a “family man” and aren’t used to being feminine.” He said, “single dads are more likely to have a babysitter to help with the more feminine side of parenting and take the role of the mother like figure. While mothers tend to do it by themselves. Also it is harder for a dad to understand their daughters opposed to a mom”(Diaz). Mr. Diaz shows how a single mom and a single dad have to be two different figures and how the parent develops a method to fulfill the two figures. Either with another person; babysitter. Or take classes and do it on your own; sup-port groups.

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In Conclusion...

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Are you feeling better? Now you know how to deal with your hardships you are going to face. Member to seek help and re-search information. Remember the most important thing, that you are not alone! Join support groups to keep yourself assured and on your feet to keep moving forward and live with less stress and more love for your child or children. Have patients and commit to your child. Listen to them speak because they teach you as much as you teach them. Support your child to the fullest but don’t spoil them or it will get really tough later in your childs years. Many support groups are more than happy to have you join their group and you should join them for reassurance and help on hard situations to handle alone. I congratulate you on your new baby. Hope all goes well, and good luck on your journey of single moth-erhood.

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Contact Information:PHP: (408) 727-5775

4C’s Council of Santa Clara County: (408) 487-0747

El Camino Hospital: (650) 940-7000

The Complete Single Mother by Andrea Engber and Leah Klungness

Planned Parenthood: (650) 948-0807

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Works CitedEngber, Andrea, and Leah Klungness. The Complete Single Mother. 3rd ed. Avon, Massachusetts: Adams Media, 2006. Print.“Mountain View Classes & Support Groups.” Mountain View Classes & Support Groups. El Camino Hospital Women’s Hospital, n.d. Web. 26 Mar. 2013.“PHP | Parents Helping Parents.” PHP | Parents Helping Parents. N.p., n.d. Web. 26 Mar. 2013.“Clearance, Baby Mall Online: Affordable Infant Clothing.” Clearance, Baby Mall Online: Affordable Infant Clothing. N.p., n.d. Web. 26 Mar. 2013.“Contact Us.” - Planned Parenthood. N.p., n.d. Web. 26 Mar. 2013.“Interview 1 Andrea Gonzales. “ Personal interview. Feb. 2013. “Interview 2 Monique Young.” Personal interview. Feb. 2013.“Single Mothers by Choice.” Single Mothers by Choice. N.p., n.d. Web. 26 Mar. 2013.Susan. “Single Mother Statistics.” Single Mother Guide. N.p., 19 Mar. 2013. Web. 26 Mar. 2013.

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