INSIDE

THIS ISSUE

YOU TOO CAN BE A PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL HERES HOW! CAN A LACK OF COMMON SENSE BE CURED? WE ASK THE EXPERTS!

PLUS

KATE BECKETT DISHES ON STANA KATIC SUMMER FASHION TIPS FROM THE VATICAN FAT CATS IN A DOG EAT DOG WORLD ALL THIS AND MORE! RIGHT HERE! RIGHT NOW! IN THIS MONTHS EDITION OF DOWN THE DRAIN!

Down the Drain

But seriously, folks,

If youre looking for fast, professional,

courteous service for

your plumbing needs

please give us a call.

Pentagon Plumbings service technicians

are available 24

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days a week, and

unlike some other

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We do:

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876-5969

Pentagon Plumbing, Inc. 5125 W. Oquendo Rd., Suite #5, Las Vegas, NV 89118

Tel: (702) 876-5969 Fax: (702) 876-0937

email: service@pentagonplumbingnv.com

NV License #58722

Is this still the place where the elite meet?

New theory of cause

of war advanced

ST. GANDOLPHS PRIORY, ENGLAND In a speech before the

prestigious International

Society of Ivory Tower

Histor ians , mi l i t ary

historian Beedle B. Bailey

said his analysis of the

causes of war has shown

that nations resort to

hostilities for one reason

and one reason only, and

thats a lack of adequate toilet facilities.

In a widely quoted

excerpt from his speech,

Bailey asserts that

territorial integrity and security, national status,

power and the other

reasons asserted by

conventional theorists do

not adequately explain the

prevalence of war

throughout the history of

mankind.

Like us! Twitter us! Email us! Pin us!

Click on our logo to go to our website.

You know you want to!

Yelp us!

The crime of

the century!

An outrageous act

of lawlessness!

Las Vegans demand

immediate

apprehension of

thieves!

By Marlow Archer

Ace Crime Beat Reporter

In an unprecedented act

of criminal boldness,

thieves in Las Vegas and

the surrounding Clark

County area have stolen

more than 60 portable

toilets and are demanding

$168,712.89 in ransom to

release them to their

rightful owners,

Removed illegally at

night from construction

sites, outdoor concert

venues and the parking

lots of several local dive

bars, the thefts have

occurred over the last

several weeks, according

to a Las Vegas

Metropolitan Police

In his study of 7,613

conflicts, Beetle claims

t h e o n l y co m m o n

denominator turned out be

an insufficient number of

seats of easement per family unit.

Upset at Surveyors Stakes

L O U I S V I L L E ,

K E N T U C K Y Plumbers Little Helper nosed out Stinkys Tail Wind for the win at this

years annual Surveyors Stakes last month.

It is the first win for the

three-year-old.

Sody Pop Dandy, the

overall favorite, failed to

show, coming in fourth

behind A Horse Nobody

Ever Heard Of.

1. Plumbers Little Helper paid 18 to 1 and is

scheduled to make a guest

appearance sometime this

month on The Tonight

Show Starring Jimmy

Fallon.

King Omar issues

new proclamation

O O R A H O M A R ,

AFRICA Citing Singapore as his example,

K i n g O m a r t h e

Magnificent and his Royal

Advisory Council recently

issued a new proclamation

that will punish those who

fail to flush a public toilet

and who fail to leave

themselves and the facility

they used in a less than

pristine and sanitary condition. A first offense will earn

the miscreant a public

thrashing in the palace

square with a toilet brush,

while a second offense

will earn an additional

thrashing and a fine. A

third offense will find the

offender assigned to

permanent latrine duty to

be served at the kings pleasure.

Human rights groups

immediately condemned

the law as being harsh in the extreme and failing to respect basic human

dignity. K i n g O m a r t h e

Magnificents Chief of Staff and Honorable

Knight of the Kings Body told reporters that King

Omar pooh-poohed the criticism because His Majesty really doesnt care what others might

think. King Omar was also

quoted as saying Let those who think they

know better than we

attend to their own

unsanitary matters before

they seek to comment on

how we attend to ours.

Now go away.

Gang holds portable toilets for ransom!

Department spokes-

person.

A handwritten ransom

note was delivered

anonymously three days

ago to Down the Drain as

well as to other major

media outlets in Las

Vegas.

The portable toilets were

supplied by several

different companies,

according to the LVMPD,

so no particular vendor

appears to be the target of

the thieves.

A preliminary report

released by the Clark

County Forensics

Laboratory reveals the

note was handwritten with

a common brand of felt-

tip pen on common,

unwatermarked white

paper readily available at

any 7-Eleven.

The report further says

that at least twelve

different sets of

fingerprints have been

found on the note,

including those of J. Edgar

Hoover, though the

reports adds that J. Edgar

Hoovers fingerprints are

found pretty much

everywhere and therefore

probably have no

significant value in this

particular case.

Particle analysis of the

note shows the presence

of, among other things,

petrified butterfly eggs,

fibers consistent with

those from a pair of Big

Mama bloomers and

radioactive dust from the

1956 Oops underground

nuclear test at the Nevada

Test Site.

(Continued on page 3)

Plumbing news from around the world

Special expanded edition!

June 2015 Volume 3 Issue 5 Whole Number 29 5

Down the Drain, June 2015 Page2

Special Feature!

The Fine Print (Our lawyers made us write this. Honest!) This coupon is valid only on future repairs and cannot be used on prior charges. This coupon cannot be combined with any other offers or discounts or promotions. This coupon is not valid on calls for estimates or evaluations. This coupon has no cash value. This coupon must be presented at time of service. And finally (whew) only one coupon per customer, please. This coupon expires 6-30-2015. Pentagon Plumbing NV License #58722.

(702) 876-5969

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Down the Drain Is published by Pentagon Plumbing, Inc.

A life in the

day of a

plumber

By CHIP CARPENTER

Ace Master Plumber

Last Month: Madam

Blovotsky faints, recovers

and then rejoices.

Madam Blovotsky must

have seen the look of

concern on my face.

Oh, everythings fine, she said. Just fine! She reached into her

cleavage and pulled out a

phone. Her pudgy fingers

flew across the keyboard.

She was one of those

people who didnt put the phone to ear, but rather

held it out horizontally in

front of her. She must

have had it on speaker

because I could hear it

ringing.

Eh, eh, eh, chuckled Vinnie. What a nice surprise, Marigold. Vinnie, you weasel! said Madam Blovotsky.

You lose! Oh, I dont think so, said Vinnie.

Well I do! shouted Madam Blovotsky. You can keep the house, you

hear me? You can keep

the house and the

ectoplasm in the pipes!

What do you think of

that? Now, now, Marigold, said Vinnie. You dont really want to do that.

Think how much that

house means to you. What it means to me, said Madam Blovotsky,

Is a nice fat insurance check! What it means to

me is that after I cash the

check I can sell the

property and retire to

Florida! There was a moment of

silence, and then Vinnie, a

hint of panic in his voice,

said, Marigold! You wouldnt dare! Hah said Madam Blovotsky. Just watch! Then she hung up the

phone, stuffed it back into

her cleavage and pulled

out her checkbook.

So tell me, Chip, she said. What do I owe you?

Finis

Because of circum-

stances beyond our

control, there will be no

advice column this month.

All of Down the Drains columnists are either on

an unscheduled sabbatical,

an impromptu vacation or

are undergoing a court

o rdered ps ych ia t r i c

evaluation.

We hope to have at least

one columnist back in our

offices in time for the July

edition of Down the

Drain.

(You just wouldnt believe what we have to

put up with from these

prima donnas!)

Down the Drain

is owned, operated,

imagined, inspired,

created, written,

produced, published and

copyrighted 2014 by

Pentagon Plumbing, Inc.

However, permission is

granted by Pentagon

Plumbing, Inc. to

redistribute this

newsletter at will with

proper attribution.

For advertising rates,

queries, submissions and,

of course, service

requests, call, write or

email Pentagon

Plumbing, Inc. using the

contact information

below.

To unsubscribe to this

newsletter, please send an

email to:

james@

pentagonplumbingnv.com

with the word

unsubscribe in the subject

line. Well cry when we do it, but we promise

well take you off our subscription list.

5125 W. Oquendo Rd.,

Suite #5, Las Vegas, NV

89118

Tel: (702) 876-5969

Fax: (702) 876-0937

email: service@

pentagonplumbingnv.com

Down the Drain, June 2015 Page 3

Editor-in-chief Applications being accepted

Copy Editor Carmel Comma Sutra Assignment Editor Gowanna Getouttahere

Society Page Editor Alice Hashtag Travel and Leisure Editor Reginald Phipps

Fact Checker Al Gore

Additional Fact Fabrication and Verification by The Group for the Advanced Study of

Statistical Oddities, Irregularities, Anomalies and Impossibilities

Business Reporter Yale Princeton

Construction and Building Correspondent Roger Red Tag

Crime Beat Reporter Marlow Archer Environmental Correspondent

Washoe Evergreen Fine Arts Correspondent Venetia Impasto

Food Critic Candy Pye Gossip Columnist Bella Donna Lovelace

(current whereabouts still unknown)

History Correspondent Marcus Aurelius Tacitus International Affairs Correspondent

Mac The Knife Machiavelli Investigative Reporter Doug Deeply Legal Correspondent Blackwell Coke Media Correspondent Tweety Byrd Medical Correspondent Sue Tchurme

National Affairs Correspondent Brinkley Huntly National Affairs Reporter Homer Bogart

Resident Conspiracy Theorist de Grasse Noel Science Correspondent Abigail Sciuto, Jr.

Sports Reporter Big Bob Kahuna

Fashion Advisor The Gaga Relationship Advisor Taylor Swift

Spiritual Advisor The Ghost of Groucho Marx In-House Therapist Lady Heather

Photo Editing by

The Cutting Edge Scissors Company and

Elwoods All-Purpose Glue

To the Editor:

After reading your article

about mimes in the April

issue of Down the Drain, I

feel compelled to respond.

Based on some very

complicated calculations

made by me myself

personally, I have come to

the startling conclusion

that the north pole is

slowly moving south and

will eventually end up

sitting on top of Noogie

Notch, Tennessee, where

it will become stuck until

it melts enough to

continue its journey south

to the Gulf of Mexico or

maybe northeast to Latvia.

I have written to the

president, congress, the

National Oceanic and

A t m o s p h e r i c

Administration and the

Weather Channel, not to

mention Dolly Parton, the

EPA, Brian Williams and

Theodore Roosevelt, but

none of them seem to

think the matter is serious

enough to be worthy of

their time and attention.

So I take this opportunity

to inform Down the Drain

and its millions of loyal,

intelligent readers that

some action must be taken

before its too late and the small community of

Noogie Notch (pop. 63)

disappears under several

billion tons of ice and

snow and polar bears and

arctic explorers (both dead

and alive) and other stuff.

Please help save Noogie

Notch by publishing this

letter.

Thornton Thumpley, III,

Noogie Notch, Tennessee

DNA analysis is still

pending and could take

anywhere from three

months to six years,

depending on whether or

not CBS renews CSI for

another season.

In exclusive interviews

with Down the Drain,

spokespersons for four of

the companies affected by

the thefts said their

corporate policies are to

never negotiate with

thieves, building inspec-

tors or people who refuse

to pay their bills in a

timely manner.

Meanwhile, the LVMPD

says it is vigorously pursuing the investigation

into the thefts with all

available resources,

including helicopters,

drones and undercover

police dogs, and that every

lead, no matter how

seemingly insignificant, is

being followed. Local law enforcement

agencies report this is the

first time a group calling

itself the Gang of Four has

come to their attention.

Federal government

agencies, however, report

that a group calling itself

the Gang of 3 v. 2.0

claimed responsibility last

year for holding hostage a

warehouse full of jelly

beans.

In the meantime, all state

and local law enforcement

authorities are advising

anyone contemplating

using any portable toilet

anywhere in the Las

Vegas area to be sure it is

securely attached to the

ground before entering to

do his or her business.

Portable toilet thefts (Continued from page 1)

Adventures, letters, advice and more!

Rehabilitation Services Provided by The Rehab, Relapse and Rehab Group of

Wickenburg, Arizona Leftovers Provided by

Moms 24 Hour Diner and Ping Pong Emporium Demolitions Consultant Candy Pye

Dog Whisperer Toto Baskerville

Jewelry by Jodie Makeup by Gor-Don

Hair by Mr. Clean Mani-pedis by

The Cats Meow Veterinary Clinic

Musical Soundtrack by Cyndi Lauper Emilie Autumn

The Pretty Reckless Hole

Strawberry Switchblade and

Alison Sudol

The Birthday

Box

A special happy

birthday wish

goes out this

month from all

the crew at

Pentagon Plumbing

to

Pentagon

Plumbings

Supervisor of

New Construction,

Mike Didion

Yaaaaaaay!

(Applause!)

Release the

balloons already!

The Golden Opportunity

In her hand a golden object

that had two perfect

holes.

Little Margo soon realized

it was the emperors lost nose.

Oh me, oh my, to herself

she said,

without his nose

how can he smell

the dreams inside his

head,

or sniff the scary

monsters that hide

beneath his bed?

How can he smell

the rainbows

before their colors

fall apart,

or smell his little Margo

when she comes

to steal his heart?

(I shall ask my friend

the plumber,

she decided,

without much further

ado.

He is wise

and he will know

exactly what to do.)

J. R. Ridleys newest book of poems, The Emperor's Lost

Nose will be published

sometime soon by some

publisher in New York.

Your opinion counts!

Letters to the Editor

A note to our readers

Stuart J. Moseman of A Pro Plumbing Supply writes: I have always

enjoyed your newsletters and look forward to them every month. I hope

everyone else appreciates them as much as I do. Thanks!

Thank you, Stu! We always appreciate a kind word. Hope you enjoy the

June edition!