Parenting for Resilience: Preparing our Children for the Future

Gregory L. Koch, Ph.D.Center for Learning and Behavioral

Solutions

re-sil-ience definednoun 1. the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity. 2. ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy.

One View of Resilience: Angela Duckworth’s Conception of “Grit”

• Hard work• Dedication• Perseverance• Ability to stick with a goal for

years or decades or until one succeeds

• Grit predicts success in a number of contexts:– Cadet training at Westpoint– National Spelling Bee– Teachers who last in challenging

neighborhoods– For men—staying married

Grit

• The emphasis is on Stamina: pursuing goals with passion and perseverance over time

• Self Control (an aspect of Executive Function) is the ability to resist momentary distractions and temptations in order to reach a goal

• Grit and Self Control typically go together. Grit is more predictive of success, while self control predicts more routine things like homework completion

The Components of Grit

Resilience is not about…

• IQ: Some of our most successful people do not have superior IQs.

• Emphasizing to your child how smart and talented he/she is has a down side:– Can create entitlement– Can create belief that things should come easy– Can create arrogance and undermine social connectedness

• Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted– Matthew 23:12

Duckworth Quote

• “Francis Galton..in 1859…wrote about the characteristics of the most eminent individuals in society. He said that those people are typically with talent, with zeal and with a capacity for hard labor. I would say that the last two elements more or less correspond to grit: zeal or passion, and then the capacity for sustained hard labor, or perseverance.”

Is Working Hard and Long Enough Sufficient?

• It will carry you to the horizon of your potential

• But all people are not born with equal abilities…such is life

• The problem is not that a person may have limitations in ability, the problem is that there are so many who do not realize what they are perfectly able to do

How to Build Grit• What to do to teach work

ethic• How to keep kids motivated?• Talent doesn’t make grit

– Grit is unrelated or inversely related to measures of talent (Duckworth)

• Cultivate Dweck’s growth mindset– Ability to learn is not fixed– Ability to learn can change

with mindset

Is Grit Genetic or Environmental?

• Like most things, probably both• Qualities to Cultivate:

– Self Efficacy: the belief that there will be a positive outcome if you put in enough effort• Optimism and growth mindset

– Valuing Your Goal: survivor mission, passion. How do we help children find their passion?

– Cultivation vs. Discover: Some passions only become passions when cultivated (i.e. playing violin?)

Qualities to Cultivate

• Cost: Not feeling the cost or putting a value on the cost of working hard.– Not worrying about opportunity cost—what could

I be doing instead (think of someone who doesn’t accept your invite while they consider alternatives)

– Being willing to focus on where you are and not constantly second guessing the choices you’ve made. Not living in regret

Examples

• I had concluded from Spanish class that I just didn’t have the ability to learn languages

• Perseverence: Grad school over 10 years with dismal prospects in the field

• Fixed mindset: Dartmouth dropout• Passion of carpet cleaner or plumber inspires• Assessing kids with severe impairment and

concluding that having limited ability is not a tragedy. Pity is not helpful

Grit Alone is not Enough

• Judgment is important—pursuing something that obviously has no chance of working– Or pursuing a goal that the world sees as having

questionable merit, i.e. being the best at playing video games

– At times, however, a seemingly unrealistic goal is realized• Brother-in-Law moves from Shreveport to Los Angeles

Grit + ?

• Some awareness of opportunity cost is important– Sometimes the sacrifice—what is deferred—may

not justify what is attained. Think of well roundedness, being attentive to relationships

– “At what price, success?”• It seems a human tendency to pursue what

we don’t have and take for granted what we do have

Parenting as a Process: Affirmations

• My child is a unique being who I will shepherd the best I can

• I have done my best in the past and I will not dwell on my past mistakes since life is far to complicated to reduce to a few mistakes

• Instead, I will learn from my past mistakes and focus on seeing my child clearly and fostering a well-rounded, resilient person who will “graduate” from the need for me to protect him/her

• I realize I am only one part of his/her amazing journey

Another View of Resilence: Carol Dweck’s Fixed vs. Growth Mindset

• The growth mindset involves kids learning that the brain can grow and change in response to challenge. This “practice makes perfect” mindset makes it more likely that children will persevere because they realize that failure is not a permanent condition

Growth Mindset

• Abilities and talents can be cultivated through effort and instruction

• Individuals can get smarter and more talented through life. This promotes taking on challenges even though doing so involves overcoming obstacles

• In contrast, the fixed mindset thinks things should come naturally and that expending effort means you are not good at it

“The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man's heart.”

-Albert Camus in The Myth of Sissyphus

Examples of Growth Mindset

• Growth Mindset: Effort makes you smarter. Trying hard and encountering setbacks are not signs of limitation

Examples of Fixed Mind Set

• How often do we hear someone say:– “I’m terrible at Math”– “I can’t learn Foreign Languages”– “I’m not smart enough to do that” – “Our family isn’t musical”

• Did you, as a parent, hear any of these messages growing up– Have you conveyed any of these messages to your

child?

Strategies• Work on Self Control and Delayed Gratification

– See Walter Mischel Marshmallow Study• Children who delay gratification did better on several

indices: SAT scores, educational attainment, Body Mass Index (BMI), and lother life measures

• Cultivate an appreciate for the importance of practice– Karate Kid—Wax on, wax off– Understanding that practice can be hard,

confusing, and even boring (over learning)– Deliberate practice and the value of 10,000 hours

(per Gladwell is is the amount of time to achieve world class expertise in a skill)

• Developing Metacognitive Awareness: Which of our behaviors are adaptive and which are not– Developing a sense of being able to alter our

habits to maximize the adaptive and minimize the maladaptive• My son blames the teacher for his grade

– Having a mindset of learning from present mistakes and imperfections to improve and grow in the future.

How to Balance our Parenting Approach

• Protecting our children vs. allowing them to make mistakes

• How to interpret mistakes and “failures”• Being a Survivor vs. a Victim• The importance of fostering a well rounded

child

Wounds and Scars• Wounds: When our child is wounded, do we lament that

the wound occurred or do we give thanks that it wasn’t even worse? – We tend the wound—whether physical or emotional—to ensure

our child heals• The scar signals healing, so why would a scar be considered

unsightly? Because it is a reminder of what happened? Of what could happen again? The scar tells a story. – We all have our scars and our stories to tell. – Why would we want any less for our child? – Do we really want to wish upon him or her a life free of all scars?

Does a Wound Signal a Victim or a Survivor

• A teenager receives severe and disfiguring facial burns in an auto accident in which he was temporarily trapped in a burning car. His comment:– “People ask ‘why me?’ But you can also ask, ‘why not me?’”

• Above all we want our children to shed self pity and playing the victim. Assuming the role of victim and feeling sorry for ourselves is antithetical to resilience

• Instead of blaming others for our adversity, how can we help our child to seek out the lesson to be learned, the role he or she might have played.– Cultivating a responsibility-taking mindset rather than a blaming mindset

As Parents are We Effectively Conveying the Message through Word and Deed that We and

our Children are Survivors, not Victims?• What are the hardships you have overcome to

move forward in life?• What were the lessons you learned in even the

most harrowing experiences?• These “crossroad” experiences, when we were

at our most vulnerable can be powerful lessons for our children, particularly if we share them when our child is feeling in a similarly vulnerable state

Seizing on Failure as a Opportunity to Guide our Child to Recovery

• Each time our child has a setback, it’s an opportunity for the parent to coach him/her in bouncing back– Instead of blaming others (a teacher, a coach, a peer),

how can we empower our child to move forward• As parents, we can actually welcome these

opportunities– Better now, when you’re around, then later, when

he/she is an adult and hasn’t experienced the cycle of failure and recovery

Growing Stronger from Trials and Tribulations

• “…what does not kill me, makes me stronger…”

--Nietzsche– This quote exemplifies a resilient mindset: no

matter how difficult the experience, I will not just survive, I will emerge stronger

The Mindset of a Survivor

• What expressions from our parents helped to create resilience in us?– “Things always work out…”– What is an expression you could add to this list?

Guiding Thoughts for the Parent When You are Most Concerned about Your Child

• At this very moment of stress, instead of running to my child’s rescue, how can I enable him/her to deal with this situation?

• Is my intervening going to empower my child or will it embarrass him/her and perpetuate his/her dependence on me?

• What would my parent have done in this situation when I was a child?– Do I want to behave the same way as my parent did?

How can I learn from his/her example?

Developing Resilience by Surrendering Your Individual Gain for a Greater Cause• Spirituality• Serving Others• Team Sports: The selfless player who

sacrifices his/her own stats for the success of the team

Praise

• Is their a certain quality in your child that you tend to repeatedly praise?– The mentally gifted?– The athletically gifted?– Beware of cultivating a mindset in your child that is

fixed or one dimensional• How does a child develop a sense of confidence vs.

a sense of entitlement?– Cultivating a sense of hunger that the child must work

for everything—the world owes him/her nothing

Habits to Foster Resilience

• The value of a dollar: Cultivating a mindset of earning something rather than it being given

-If the child really wants something, he/she will likely value it more if he/she pays for it, at least in part

• Getting a job: walking the dog, mowing the lawn, doing household chores

• Tolerating boredom: a child can’t always be stimulated. How do we teach him/her to manage situations that might be boring. In school, even “busy work” nevertheless needs to be completed

Orchids and Dandelions • Orchids are beautiful and exotic, but they are hothouse

flowers that can only survive when environmental conditions, such as the humidity and the temperature, are within a narrow range. They do not tolerate direct sunlight well– Children can also be treated like hothouse flowers—

protected from the adversities and demands of life by highly competent and concerned parents and adults

– Like the orchid, such children will have no experience in being able to survive and thrive in less hospitable environments

Orchids and Dandelions

• Dandelions are not prized for their exoticism or their beauty. They seem to be able to grow anywhere. They are so resilient that we may resent them as they are able to thrive in places we have reserved for other plants or grass– Can we parent a child who can grow and blossom

even in adverse conditions? Instead of focusing solely on the special orchid-like qualities, can we prepare them to thrive in soil in which their special qualities are not actively nurtured or supported?

Examples of Resilience: The Immigrant

• Virtually all of us are immigrants or the descendants of immigrants

• Imagine the resilience demanded of someone who may have arrived here with nothing, no support structure, no safety net

• In some cases, immigrants who were professionals in their native country have to make due with driving a taxi or taking a job that in no way reflects their education and training

The Power of Sports in Fostering Resiliency

• Sports may require working in a team• One must practice if one expects to realize one’s potential• Setbacks are inevitable: all teams and individual athletes must be able to

bounce back after losing• One must continue to practice and give one’s best effort even though

there is almost always someone better• So the real power in participating in sports is NOT being the best, but

rather DOING one’s best• In so many ways, sports can prepare us for life

– The unfair coach is the unfair boss– The talented teammate is the favored employee– Being not selected to play is not getting the job, even though you are qualified– Sitting on the sidelines is being bypassed for a raise, a promotion, or recognition– Losing or getting injured are akin to not getting the deal, not being selected for a task, not getting the

contract

How to Pace the Parenting of Our Child

• Deciding what aspect of our child needs to be developed– In addition to celebrating our child’s strengths, it is

usually evident early on that the child would benefit from developing some aspect of him/herself.• Is my child empowered to learn?• Is my child able to socialize with other children in a

developmentally appropriate way?• Is my child able to manage his/her emotions effectively?• Is my child regularly physically active?

We Are Our Children’s Parent, But Also Their Coach

• We choose the area in which our children need more training or practice

• We create a plan, which may involve gathering resources, to support them in their area of vulnerability

• We try to truly see our children the way the world sees them and this helps us to coach them more effectively

Vygotsky and Zone of Proximal Development

• As parents, we align our expectations with where our child is

• Vygotsky’s “Zone of Proximal Development” (ZPD) is the difference between what our child can do without help and what he or she can do with help

• The ZPD concept has come to be seen as a “scaffolding,” a structure of "support points" for performing an action.

• As parents we can build the steps or the scaffold and then encourage our children to take the risk of taking steps in their own growth

The Scope of Resiliency

• In the end we choose the level of resiliency we want to embody and exemplify– We can be resilient in limited contexts, such as our

job or making money– Or we can choose a far more ambitious goal for

resiliency that includes not just school or work, but also our relationships, our family, our dedication to developing a more expansive consciousness

Resilience will Foster Independence and Self-Reliance

• As our children grow older and become increasingly independent, the satisfaction is bittersweet.

• Our little baby gradually is taking the journey to adulthood

• Resilience is the insurance that our children will be ready to navigate the world on their own

• Our satisfaction when their journey leads them back home, even if only briefly, will be sharing the joy of their unfolding adventure