nobody told me that!: 10 tools for parenting happy, healthy … · 2012. 4. 26. · title: nobody...

NobodyTold Me

That!

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Nobody Told Me

That!10 Tools for Parenting

Happy, Healthy Children

Roni Jay

Vice President, Publisher: Tim MooreAssociate Publisher and Director of Marketing: Amy NeidlingerAcquisitions Editor: Jennifer SimonEditorial Assistant: Pamela BolandDevelopment Editor: Russ HallOperations Manager: Gina KanouseDigital Marketing Manager: Julie PhiferPublicity Manager: Laura CzajaAssistant Marketing Manager: Megan ColvinCover Designer: Alan ClementsManaging Editor: Kristy HartProject Editor: Anne GoebelCopy Editor: Paula LowellProofreader: Kathy RuizIndexer: Cheryl LenserCompositor: Gloria SchurickManufacturing Buyer: Dan UhrigFT Press offers excellent discounts on this book when ordered in quantity for bulkpurchases or special sales. For more information, please contact U.S. Corporateand Government Sales, 1-800-382-3419, [email protected]. For sales outside the U.S., please contact International Sales [email protected] and product names mentioned herein are the trademarks or registered trademarksof their respective owners.

Authorized adaptation from the original UK edition, entitled, The 10 Most Important ThingsYou Can Do For Your Child, 01 Edition by Roni Jay, published by Pearson Education Limited,© Roni Jay 2008

All rights reserved. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of tradeor otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the Publisher’s priorwritten consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published with-out a similar condition including this condition being imposed on subsequent purchaser andwithout limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may bereproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or byany means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise) without the priorwritten permission of both the copyright holder and the above-mentioned publisher of thisbook.

This US adaptaion is published by Pearson Education Inc. © 2009 by arrangements withPearson Education Ltd., United Kingdom.

Printed in the United States of America

ISBN-10: 0-13-815673-5ISBN-13: 978-0-13-815673-2Pearson Education LTD.Pearson Education Australia PTY, Limited.Pearson Education Singapore, Pte. Ltd.Pearson Education North Asia, Ltd.Pearson Education Canada, Ltd.Pearson Educación de Mexico, S.A. de C.V. Pearson Education—JapanPearson Education Malaysia, Pte. Ltd.Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file.

Second Printing November 2011

Table of Contents

About the Author . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .xii

Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .xiii

Tool 1: Make Their World Solid . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1

Set Clear Boundaries That Don’t Move . . . . . . . . . . .2

Use the Word “No” Wisely . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .3

Carrots Are Better Than Sticks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5Rewards Versus Bribery . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .7Sticks and Carrot Sticks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .7

Praise Beats Criticism . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9Be Careful What You Praise Them For . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10Praise Can Mean Pressure . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .12

How to Make Them Really Glow . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .13Praise Them, and Criticize Their Behavior . . . . . . . . . . .14

Make Sure They Know Their Strengths . . . . . . . . .15Give Them Challenges You Know They Can Meet

(and They Don’t) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17Let Them Know They’re Special . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17Remind Them That You Are Not Perfect Either . . . . . . . .19

Your Relationship with Your Spouse . . . . . . . . . . .19Don’t Argue in Front of the Kids . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .20Present a United Front . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21

A Solid Foundation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22

Tool 2: Give Them Some Magic . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .23

Give Them Space . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .24

Clear Some Time for Them . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .25

Find Them an Empty Space . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .27

Computers and TV Kill Magic . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .28

Magical Times . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .29Make It a Tradition . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .30Pick Your Moment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .31Bedtime . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .31

Magical Settings . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .33Dens . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .33

Get Out of the Way . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .34

More Magic . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .35

Tool 3: Show Them How to Separate Right from Wrong . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .37

What Do You Think Is Right and Wrong? . . . . . . . .38

Where Do You Draw the Guilt Line? . . . . . . . . . . . .39What Values? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .40How to Instill the Right Values . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .42

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Nobody Told Me That!

Taking Responsibility . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .43Make It Fair . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .45Talk It Through . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .46

Getting It Right . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .47

Tool 4: Teach Them to Think . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .49

The ABCs of Thinking . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .50

Don’t Answer All Their Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . .52

Practical Thinking Skills . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .54

Lateral Thinking . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .55

Decisions, Decisions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .57Decision-Making Techniques for Children . . . . . . . . . . .59

Have an Opinion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .61Develop Their Thinking . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .62

The 10-Year-Old Expansion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .64

Think It Through . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .66

Tool 5: Let Them Lead You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .67

Let Them Be Themselves . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .68

How Do Your Children See the World? . . . . . . . . . .70

What Is Their Motivation? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .72

What Are Their Shortcomings, Insecurities, and Fears? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .74What Are You Going to Do About It? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .75Will They Grow Out of It? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .76

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Contents

Who’s the Best Person to Help Them? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .77Talk to Your Child . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .78Notice Their Achievements . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .81

Where Will They Lead You? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .82

Tool 6: Forget Quality Time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .83

Defining “Quality” Time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .84Keep Boundaries in Place . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .85And That Goes For “Me Time,” Too . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .86

Making the Most of Your Time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .88Get the Focus Right . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .90Share Your Attention . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .91Don’t Believe the Soft-Focus Fantasy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .93Balance Time and Attention . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .96

Tool 7: Make Sure You See the Forest andthe Trees . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .97

One Small Step Versus One Giant Leap . . . . . . . . .98

Take Stock . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .100

Don’t Wait Too Long . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .101

Teaching Techniques . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .101

Everyone’s Different . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .103

Be Their Memory Jogger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .104

Cleaning Their Rooms . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .105How to Clean . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .106

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You Can’t Fight Nature . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .109

What Are You Trying to Achieve? . . . . . . . . . . . . .110

Emotional Preparation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .113

Woodland Management . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .115

Tool 8: Teach Them the Value of Money . . . . . . . .117

Give Them Some Money So They Can Start to Understand It . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .117

Give Pocket Money . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .118Let Them Earn Interest . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .119Pay an Allowance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .121Match Funds . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .123Open a Real Bank Account . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .124

Money In, Money Out . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .125

Earning Money . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .126Getting a Job . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .128Raising Money for Charity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .129

Get the Right Attitude . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .131Don’t Keep Going On About It . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .131Be Sensitive About People Who Have More or Less MoneyThan You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .132Show Them You Can Be Happy on a Budget . . . . . . . . .132Splurge Occasionally . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .133Be Generous with Your Money . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .134

Money Sense . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .134

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Contents

Tool 9: Show Them That Broccoli Can Be Fun . . . .135

Healthy Eating . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .136Don’t Keep Unhealthy Food in the House . . . . . . . . . . .136Give Them Healthy Food with Variety . . . . . . . . . . . . . .138Set Up Healthy Patterns . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .141Don’t Let Food Become an Issue . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .143Don’t Let Them Become Overweight . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .144Teach Them to Cook . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .146

Keep Them Active . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .148Let Them Find Activities They Enjoy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .148Get Kids to Walk or Bike to School . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .149Arrange Exercise by Stealth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .150Ration Screen Time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .151

Healthy Mind . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .153Encourage Them to Have a Good Body Image . . . . . . .153Help Them Deal with Their Own Emotional Baggage . .155Show Them How to Manage Stress . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .156

Set Up for Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .157

Tool 10: Give Them Each Other . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .159

Treat Them Differently (Without Being Unfair) . .160

Never Compare Them with Each Other . . . . . . . . .163

Play No Favorites . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .164

Dealing with Squabbles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .166Teach Them to Sort Out Their Own Arguments . . . . . . .167She Started It! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .169

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Create a Sense of Unity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .171Encourage Them to Play Together . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .171Encourage Them to Support Each Other . . . . . . . . . . .172Exploit Each Child’s Strengths . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .172Put Each Child in Charge of Different Tasks . . . . . . . . .173Don’t Let Your Children Tell Tales . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .174Talk to Your Children Collectively . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .174Give Group Rewards for Group Achievements . . . . . . .175All for One, One for All . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .176

Conclusion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .177

Index . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .179

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Contents

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About the AuthorRoni Jay is a mother of three young children and step-mother to three more (now grown up). In trying to be thevery best parent she could be, Roni has studied whatexactly it is that the most skilled parents do, and from thisobservation and her own personal experience as a front-line mom, distilled the 10 Tools for Parenting Happy,Healthy Children.

Roni is widely admired by everyone who knows her as avery talented, instinctive parent, who shows endless skillin handling children of very different personalities, andknowing just the right thing to say and do in every situ-ation. There are many grateful parents today who areusing Roni’s clever tactics with their own children.

Roni’s drive to write this book was the fact that althoughparenting is a very tough job, most books for parents arefocused on the baby and toddler years, and very little iswritten to support and inspire parents of children fromtoddlers upward.

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It’s often said that the most important thing you can do foryour children is to love them. Well, yes, of course it is. I’mtaking it as obvious that you love your kids, and you don’tneed any book to help you do that. But, whatever anyonesays, love is not enough. So, what else really matters?

We do a million and one things for our children, fromteaching them to walk, through checking to ensure theyhave clean socks, to making sure they know how to staysafe, and we listen to them tell us for the fifth time howthey scored the winning goal in their playground game ofbasketball or football.

No parent has time to do everything (and nor would it begood for our kids if we did). That’s even truer if you havemore than one child, or a demanding job, or are on yourown. So how do you decide what you absolutely must doand what you can let go? Unless you want to live in a per-manent state of guilt, angst, or trepidation, spendingsome time thinking about what things will make thebiggest difference to your child and what you can afford tolet ride really makes sense.

Let’s think about what you’re aiming for. You want yourkids to enjoy their childhoods, and you want them to growinto healthy, confident, successful adults who will behappy and will make those around them happy, too.Recognizing that goal starts to focus your mind—but howdo you narrow it down further to the “must do” priorities?How do you know what’s really, really important?

Introduction

I’ve spent many years watching lots of children grow up,with great fascination. Not to mention my own—I havethree children, and three stepchildren whose lives Ibecame involved with in their early teens. This deep fasci-nation with what parents do and the effect these actionshave on their children has also led me to ask many adultsabout their own childhoods. When I pulled all this infor-mation together, the picture that emerged clearly indi-cated that parental input makes the most difference.

I’ve narrowed down the real essentials to 10 broad princi-ples. These are the things that you need to get right inorder to set your children up for the best possible life. Youcan get them right in your own way, of course—we’re alldifferent. Occasionally, I should warn you, you’ll get themwrong. We all do that. You’ll realize you got it wrong andyou’ll make amends, so that will be okay, too. After all,your children don’t need perfect parents (how excruciatingwould that be?).

Your children need parents who put them first. I’m guess-ing that you put your children above yourself in your pri-ority list. That’s good; that’s one similarity I’ve noticedamong all the best parents I know.

There’s a lot of very important stuff in this book that willmake a big difference to your children—but don’t panic. Ibet you’re doing a lot of it already, and the fact that you’rereading this book shows you take your job as a parentseriously, which is a big plus. Assuming you’re human,however, there are bound to be some important thingsthat you haven’t thought through.

We tend to have certain principles we feel are important(often having to do with what influenced our own child-hoods) and others that we don’t really think about. This

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book can help you spot the gaps so that you can give atten-tion to the most important things you could be doing foryour children.

Doing some of these things may be hard work; some ofthem will come naturally. Irritatingly, some of the piecesyou find difficult will come naturally to your partner, butthat works both ways. On the plus side, however, workingon the difficult pieces will help you realize just how muchof what you do for your children isn’t so important. Best ofall, after you have these 10 bases covered, you can stopstressing about the rest, and get on with being a great par-ent and enjoying your child.

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Introduction

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TOOL 1

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Few things are more important than giving your children confi-dence and self-assurance. Those are qualities that will enablethem to get the rest of what they need for themselves.

Self-confidence comes largely from being confident in theworld around you. If you can trust your own world to be solidand unchanging (in the right ways) it’s far easier to be sure ofyour own place and personality within it. Your job is to makesure that everything important in your children’s world is consistent.

On top of that, you need to make sure they feel good aboutthemselves. You need to tell them how kind they are, not howselfish they are. You need to remind them that being the fastestswimmer isn’t as important as being a good loser. You need toshow them that they can do more than they realize, and thatyou believe in them.

Make Their WorldSolid

Set Clear Boundaries ThatSet Clear Boundaries ThatDon’Don’t Movet Move

Setting clear, unchanging boundaries is just about the mostessential discipline skill of all. It is vital for your children thatthe rules never change and are always enforced. The moreemotionally shaky your children are, the more they will pushthese boundaries, but the boundaries must never move. A childwho is having a tantrum, or who is going through an unsettledtime, tests the boundaries frequently, not because the childwants you to back down, but because the child wants to makesure the boundaries are still there—the one constant the childcan depend on, the one solid thing in a shifting world.

Actually, the better you are at keeping the boundaries fixed, theeasier it will be keeping your kids in line. After they know thatyou never give in, they’ll stop bothering to ask. They don’t wantto waste their time. Not only will they feel happier and moreconfident, they’ll also take no for an answer.

That means no more asking to stay up a little bit longer beforebed, no more nagging you to buy this or that toy as you goaround through stores with them, no more begging to get theback yard pool out when you simply don’t have time for it today.No more asking for anything after you’ve said no.

How often have you heard other parents complain, “My chil-dren never do what I say. They just push and push until eventu-ally I give in just to shut them up.” These parents are making arod for their own back. Why do the children push and push?Because they know if they carry on long enough their parentwill cave in. It’s really hard, if you’ve fallen into this trap, toclimb back out of it—but it can be done. Doing so will be much

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harder for you than it is for parents who have never given in,and whose children never push that hard, because your kidswill take a long time to learn that you really are never going toback down, and they might as well stop asking.

I can promise you that parents who always mean no when theysay it, honestly do have children who don’t push. Their childrenmay complain, whine, and throw a tantrum—though less thanthey would otherwise—but they don’t keep on asking for some-thing they’ve been told they can’t have.

If you are in the habit of giving in—maybe not often, but evenonce or twice is enough for your kids to think it’s worth push-ing—you need to keep reminding yourself that if you can justhold out long enough, eventually your children will turn intokids who don’t push. You won’t get your reward today or tomor-row or next week, but you’ll get it in the end if you’re firmenough, and boy will it be worth it when your kids finally giveup, forever, trying to change your mind.

MAKE THEIR WORLD SOLID

3

Use the WUse the Wordord“No” Wisely“No” Wisely

I know a few parents who tend to start off by saying no to theirchildren, and then decide they’re being unfair and back down. Iwatched a mother do this in stages the other day. Her daughterasked to get some painting gear out on the kitchen table whileI was there. Wanting to chat rather than supervise, she said,“No, but if you leave us alone to chat for half an hour I’ll let you

paint later.” Her daughter kept nagging, and in the end themother got fed up because it was impossible to have a conver-sation over the nagging. So she said, “Well, tell you what, youcan just get the paints ready, but then you really must go andgive us some peace and quiet for a few minutes or I won’t letyou paint.” The little girl got out the paints and then startedpestering her mother to help her get the paper out, and somewater for the brushes, and the mother kept saying, “Well,alright, but then you must leave us alone.” Of course, the childnever left us alone, but when her mother’s back was turnedshe gave me a thumbs up with a huge exaggerated smirk of tri-umph on her face.

The poor mother had backed herself into a corner. She startedoff saying no and then felt guilty because she was putting herdesire for a bit of peace and quiet before her daughter’s desireto do some painting. There are only two ways round thisquandary:

� Follow through on what you say, including not allow-ing the child to paint later on if he or she keeps pes-tering you and put up with the guilt.

� Don’t say no in the first place.

It’s always wise to do a quick, thinking-on-your-feet review ofthe likely outcome before you say no to anything. If you can’t doit quickly, tell your child, “I’ll have to think about that,” or, “Giveme a minute,” or that dreadful phrase, “We’ll see….” I saydreadful because I hated it as a child, but I have to admit it’s thebest approach. I had a conversation about this phrase oncewith a friend who said she hated it because it always meant no.Oddly enough, with my parents, it almost always meant yes.

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I’ll tell you why it can be so useful to think twice before you sayno to anything (though any child will hate me for this). Apartfrom the obvious—that if you haven’t said no you can’t feelpressured to back down—it also means you have time to thinkthrough all the ramifications and set conditions before agree-ing. So you might end up telling your child the following:

“You can do some painting as long as you get every-thing out for yourself.”“You can play in the backyard pool, but if you make afuss about getting out when it’s time to stop, I won’tget it out again tomorrow.”“If you don’t pester me at all while we are shopping,I’ll get you a treat at the end” (which shouldn’t beanything unhealthy in this instance—see Chapter 9,“Show Them That Broccoli Can Be Fun”).

It’s important that you stick to these threats if they don’t holdup their part of the deal.

By setting clear boundaries, and enforcing them with utterconsistency, and by making sure that no means no, your chil-dren will be able to grow confidently, knowing exactly wherethe invisible parameters of their world are, and trusting themto stay put.

Carrots Are Better Carrots Are Better Than SticksThan Sticks

You want your child to feel good about herself and to beencouraged to behave well. Apart from anything else, a well-behaved child lives in an emotionally much safer, kinder, more


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solid world. I don’t mean well-behaved as in reserved andgoody-goody and speaking only when spoken to. I can’t stand itwhen parents do that to their children. I mean children whosquabble and get into minor scrapes here and there, but onlybecause they didn’t think things through, or kids who are well-meaning and prefer to make you happy, but who still shout tooloudly from time to time, or forget to sit properly on their chair.

Unless your children live in very troubled circumstances, fromfamily break-ups to conditions such as ADHD, it really shouldn’tbe a problem, with firm boundaries and all the other elementscovered in this book, for them to be well-behaved. However,there will be times when they will struggle to meet your stan-dards, and when that happens you need to motivate them tomuster the behavior you need.

Maybe you need your child to be better at getting up for schoolin the mornings, or remembering to put clothes in the laundrybasket, or to stop shrieking. There are countless ways you canmotivate kids to do these things, but there is one basic rule:

CARROCARROTTS ARE BETTER S ARE BETTER THAN STHAN STICKS.TICKS.

By that, I don’t only mean that carrots are kinder and more lov-ing than sticks (which they are), but also that they are moreeffective. Your children are far more likely to get up for schoolin the mornings if you promise them a bonus of some kind atthe weekend if you have no trouble all week, than if you threat-en them with a punishment should they fail.

So, always opt for rewards rather than threats when you want tomodify your children’s behavior. By focusing them on successrather than failure, you’re more likely to get results. It’s far morereassuring to grow up with parents who want to reward you forbeing good than parents who want to punish you for being bad.

6


7

Rewards Versus BriberyLet me clarify the difference between rewards and bribery,because it’s relevant here. If your children are in the middle ofdoing something they know they shouldn’t, and aren’t stoppingwhen you tell them to, it is bribery to offer them a reward forgetting off the swing or abandoning the tantrum.

However, if they are currently behaving perfectly well or theproblem behavior isn’t naughty but simply forgetfulness (suchas not putting their clothes in the laundry basket), offeringthem a reward is a legitimate incentive. This applies to gettingout of bed for school: If while trying to get them up and out ofbed at 7 a.m. you offer them a reward to get out of bed, that’sbribery. But if, when they go to bed on Sunday, you offer thema reward if they give you no trouble right through to next week-end, that’s a valid incentive.

Sticks and Carrot SticksThere is a place for sticks as well, mind you. Sometimes a car-rot needs a stick lurking behind it, just in case the carrot isn’ttasty enough:

“If you can get up for school without trouble allweek, I’ll let you stay up to watch your favorite TVprogram on Saturday evening. If you don’t, however,I’ll have to assume the problem is that you’re tootired, so your bedtime will be a half an hour earlier.”

Try to lead with the carrot, though, and only introduce the stickif you can’t achieve what you want without it.

There’s another trick you can keep up your sleeve, too, andthat’s the carrot/stick. Sometimes your instincts tell you that

you want to use a carrot rather than a stick, but you don’t wantto reward your children for behavior that you feel is the leastyou can ask. For example,

� Your want to give your children an incentive to admitto having done something wrong.

� You want to encourage your children into some kindof behavior you feel they shouldn’t need asking todo, such as turning off the TV when they stop watching.

In this case, you think of a stick, and then present it as a carrotby turning it around. So, for example,

� Instead of telling them, “If you don’t tell me thetruth, I won’t give you your allowance,” you tellthem, “If you to lie to me I’ll have to keep yourallowance. If you’re honest and you tell me the truthI won’t do that.” Of course, you may still have topunish them for the original offense; that dependson what it was.

� Instead of saying, “If you don’t turn off the TV, Iwon’t let you watch it for a week,” you say, “The onlysolution I can think of is for you to stop watching theTV. But I’ll give you one more week and if youremember to turn it off every time you stop watch-ing, I won’t have to do that.”

8

Praise Beats CriticismPraise Beats CriticismJust as carrots are better than sticks, so is praise better thancriticism. Few things will make your children feel happier andmore loved than the approval and recognition of their parents.Having talked about rewards earlier, it’s worth rememberingthat very often all the reward your children need is for you tonotice their achievement. That’s true not only of little childrenbut of teenagers, and even adults.

So make sure that you notice when your children have donewell, and that you say so. Whether it’s something small such asfinally holding their fork correctly, or something big, such ascoping well in a crisis, or getting the test result they worked sohard for.

You should praise your kids every day, probably several times,though mostly only in a small way. Praising the big achieve-ments won’t mean so much if you go overboard over every lit-tle thing. You’ll have left yourself nowhere to go when you wantto lavish praise on them. But, on daily basis, you can come outwith plenty of little words of praise, such as

“Thanks for getting ready so quickly.”“I like the way you’ve drawn that pony’s mane.”“It’s great to come downstairs to breakfast and findthe places at the table already set.”

You see, praise doesn’t have to mean saying, “Well done!”although that can be part of it. Praise is anything that makesyour child feel that she has done well and you noticed.

It’s really important to praise your child for anything he’simproved at, even if his standard is now no better than average.He absolutely needs to know, if you’ve been preaching to him


9

for months about something, that you’ve noticed he hasstopped doing it. So make sure you say, for example,

“By the way, you’ve been much better at getting upin the mornings the last week or two. Well done.”“I’ve noticed that you hung the towels up after yourshower the last few days instead of leaving them onthe floor. Thank you.”“It is nice not having to hurry you up. Well done forbeing ready on time.”

Be Careful What You Praise Them ForNow, choosing what to praise kids for is hugely important, andit can be interesting to watch other parents sneakily and noticehow they handle this. One of the strongest ways we pass on ourvalues to our children is by our choice of what we praise themfor. If you want your children to grow up to be confident, youneed to be careful what you give praise for, and how effusivethat praise is.

Suppose you only ever praise your children for school workwhen they do well in exams and tests: “You had the best gradein the class? That’s fantastic!” Or, “You only came in third?Well, never mind, that’s still pretty good.” If this is the only waythey can get your approval, they’ll grow up thinking that aca-demic—and then career—achievement is the most importantthing in life.

Then again, you could say to them, “You’ve worked so hard forthese exams; that’s the important thing, whatever grade youget.” Or maybe, “You got a B? That’s very respectable.” Nowyou’re telling them that it’s good to work hard but it’s not ahuge deal beyond that how high up the class you come.

10

You’ll have noticed here that you can’t help but send out somekind of message by your response. But what else are you prais-ing them for? If this is it, that’s a very strong message. Morelikely, though, you praise them for other things, too. Perhapsyou tend to dismiss good exam results in favor of telling themthe following:

“That was a really kind thing to do, giving yourMatchbox car to Fred.”“You’re such a help in the mornings, I don’t knowhow I’d manage without you.”“I’m impressed by how brave you were, climbingright to the top of that ladder.”

You might look at that list and think how much better to bepraising your child for good character traits rather thanachievement. Well, maybe, but you could still expand on thislist. How about

“I know you’re not a morning person, so I’m pleasedthat you managed to put the milk and cereal on thetable.”“I know you don’t like heights, so you did very well toget halfway up the ladder. I thought you were verybrave for trying.”

Aha! Now we’re praising not only for achievement but foreffort. Better still. In fact, you should be praising your chil-dren—in the sense of letting them know that you noticed—fora wide range of skills, talents, personal attributes, achieve-ments, efforts, and all the rest of it. Just monitor yourself andmake sure you aren’t sending out messages you don’t reallywant to send. If you always praise more for sporting than aca-demic achievement, or more for effort than success, you’resending your child a very strong message.


11

This is especially important if you have more than one child.Giving more weight to, say, academic than sporting successesmight work for your bright, non-sporty child. But what will theeffect be on his brother or sister who is great at sports, butstruggles a bit with schoolwork?

Praise Can Mean PressureHere’s another thing. Your children really want you to acknowl-edge their achievements. If they can get noticed only by gettingAs on tests, they’ll feel huge pressure to do so. If you onlypraise them for being kind and thoughtful, they’ll be frustratedby the fact that you never seem to notice all the hard work theyput in at school.

12

You need to make sure that you are recognizing yourchildren’s achievements in everything that matters

to them, regardless of how high up your priority list it comes.

There’s another way, too, that you can put pressure on yourchildren by the way that you praise them, and that’s if youpraise them out of proportion to their achievements. If they’retalented in art and you keep telling them they’re the nextPicasso, they’ll feel they have to keep achieving to keep earn-ing your praise. Only they can’t keep achieving, because actu-ally they’re not the next Picasso at all. So don’t tell youreleven-year-old that he’s a genius for learning to tie a tie. Justtell him well done. Don’t tell your two-year-old how incrediblyclever she is when she’s just quite bright. Simply tell her,

“You’re a smart cookie,” or praise the action rather than thewhole person by saying, “That was clever, solving that mathproblem.”


13

How to Make Them How to Make Them Really GlowReally Glow

If you want to give your children the best possible feeling, bespecific about what you’re praising, and ask them questionsabout it. I’m not suggesting you do this for every tiny thing, butwhen something is important to them it will make them feelyou’re really interested (which you are). For example,

“I like the way you’ve drawn that horse’s mane. Itreally looks as if it’s flying in the wind. How did youget it to do that?”“Your swimming is so much better than the last time I took you. I can’t believe how your breast-stroke has improved since you’ve been swimming atschool. How many lengths can you do now?”

14

Praise Them, and Criticize TheirBehavior

Though you might like to be able to praise your children all thetime, there will inevitably be occasions when their behavior isn’tup to scratch and you have to proffer some kind of criticism.This is not something to do carelessly, as in “Your handwritingreally is awful,” or, “You’re hopeless at getting up in the morn-ings,” or, “You’re so irritating.”

Aim never to speak negatively to your child without thinking itthrough first. When you do have to do it (as indeed you do fromtime to time), don’t criticize them personally; criticize theirskill or behavior:

“That handwriting of yours could be a bit neater,don’t you think?”“You were almost late for school this morning.”“That high-pitched yell is really irritating.”

If you attach the negative label to your children personally, theyare much more likely to try and live up to it. “I might as well notbother. I’m just lazy so why make the effort?” Or, “Of course Ishout a lot. I’m a noisy person.” As you can see, this label canundermine their confidence and make them feel bad aboutthemselves, which is the opposite of what you want.

So make criticism

� Specific—Let them know exactly what it is you wantthem to address. Not, “You’re selfish,” but, “It’s self-ish not to share toys. I’d like you to let your littlebrother play with that for a bit.”

� Constructive—Let them see how this can be madepositive. Not, “Your handwriting is just awful,” but,“You know, with just a little bit of practice, your writ-ing could be so much neater.”

� Solvable—Don’t criticize anything your child can’tchange: “You’re hopeless at spelling,” or, “You’llnever become a football player.”


15

Make Sure They KnowMake Sure They KnowTheir StrengthsTheir Strengths

For your children to be really confident and grounded, theyneed to know what they’re good at. We’re not talking aboutbeing arrogant; to be honest, that usually comes from insecu-rity rather than over-confidence. Besides, arrogance doesn’thurt anyone else, and their friends will soon knock it out ofthem, so don’t worry about that. Telling your children they’regood at a sport doesn’t make them arrogant—to do that, youhave to imply that being good at sports makes them better insome way than people who aren’t good at sports.

No doubt you know pretty much what your children’s strengthsare, and you’ll help them by telling them as much:

“You really are a good diplomat. There seem to befewer squabbles when you’re around.”“Do you know, I wish I’d had half your ability at mathwhen I was in school.”

“Could you help me organize the toy cupboard?You’re so good at working out where things shouldgo.”

There are, however, a few things you have to look out for whenshowing your children where their strengths lie:

� As with praise, make sure you let them know thatstrengths can come in lots of different shapes andsizes, from positive characteristics like kindnessand bravery, to academic skills, art, sport, music,and other traits such as tidiness, a sense of humor,or good organizational ability. Don’t focus on onetype of strength to the exclusion of others.

� Try not to miss any of your children’s strengths, orto be aware of them but miss telling your children.Your never mentioning a strength they feel they havemay undermine their confidence.

� Don’t forget that children change. You may have itstuck in your head that your child is dreadful atkeeping track of time, but, in fact, he may havebecome really good at it over the last few months.It’s amazing how long it can take to notice this sortof transformation.

� This next point ties in closely with how you praisechildren: Make sure you don’t imply that certainstrengths have more inherent value than others.This is especially true when you have more than onechild. If you set more store by, say, your daughter’sthoughtfulness than you do by your son’s self-discipline, you will undermine your son.

16

Give Them Challenges You Know TheyCan Meet (and They Don’t)

A great way to boost your child’s self-esteem and confidence isto keep stretching them, in whatever field you know they’regood at. Ask them to achieve something that you know will sur-prise them. For example, ask your 10-year-old to cook dinnerfor the family (it’s fine if it’s just pasta with a simple sauce). Ifshe’s never done this before, she’ll feel so proud of herself, andsuddenly believe she has the ability to be a good cook.

You can certainly set your children challenges in competitiveareas, such as sport or academic work, but make sure they canachieve it, and don’t set them up to compete directly with otherpeople. Rather than suggest they try to get an A in English,maybe challenge them to get the best grades possible by theend of term.

Let Them Know They’re SpecialYour children need to know that they are special both to youand in themselves. They won’t have certain strengths their sib-lings have, or not to the same degree, but they have othersinstead. Remind them (if you have more than one child) that ifall children were the same there would be no point in havingmore than one. It’s their unique differences for which you lovethem.

Tell your children that it simply doesn’t matter if they’re not asstrong, or brave, or clever, or musical as someone else. Yourchildren have other strengths—go on, tell them what theyare—that make them stand out from the crowd.


17

This is especially important if your child has any kind of inher-ent disadvantage, such as a physical affliction, or a behavioralcondition, that means that he struggles more than most chil-dren in some areas. If your child has Asperger’s syndrome,remind him that people such as Michelangelo and Einstein arethought to have had that condition, too. If he’s dyslexic, pointout that it never did Muhammad Ali or Agatha Christie anyharm—or Einstein. If your child is physically disabled, tell himhow special people like Stephen Hawking and ChristopherReeve and Stevie Wonder have dealt with it. Your child hasplenty of strengths regardless of the disadvantages he has, orperhaps is even stronger because of them.

The other situation where it is especially important to make sureyour children know they are special is if you have twins, triplets,or more. They are, unfortunately, likely to encounter more tryingcircumstances than other siblings when they get lumped togeth-er and apparently treated as clones, especially if they are thesame sex. This can be complicated by the fact that they may well,superficially, want to be like each other. It’s all very well tellingparents of same-sex twins that they shouldn’t dress their chil-dren alike, for example, but that disregards the fact that theirchildren may want to wear what their twin is wearing.

You can help things along a bit, for example, by not buying twoof any item of clothing so that, while they can both choose towear a pink T-shirt, they won’t be identical. You can resist alltemptation to refer to them as “the twins.” On top of that, youcan help enormously by letting each of them know their ownstrengths and how they should feel individually special. Afterall, you don’t need to be told that your children are as differentas any other two siblings. Just make sure that they know itfrom the start and they’ll be far better equipped to ignore anysuggestions to the contrary from misguided teachers, rela-tives, or friends.

18

Remind Them That You Are Not Perfect Either

If your children are unsure of themselves because they knowthey lack certain strengths, one of the most reassuring thingsyou can do—as well as pointing out where they are particular-ly able—is to remind them that even you are not perfect. Thismay come as news to a young child (no, it won’t be news to yourteenager). Discovering that you’ve never been much good atmusic either, or that your mother was driven mad by your out-bursts of temper, could be a revelation. If their revered motheror father has gotten through life despite being tone deaf, orhaving a short fuse, then clearly it is possible to overcomethese drawbacks and live a normal life after all.


19

YYour Relationship withour Relationship withYYour Spouseour Spouse

Now here’s a tricky topic for some parents. Your children’sworld will not be as solid as you’d like unless they can see thatyour relationship is solid—and especially solid where it con-cerns them. This is one of the few areas of parenting that issignificantly easier for single parents, though it will come backinto play if you get involved in a new relationship with someonewho is around enough to take on a parenting role with yourchildren.

It is essential that your children feel safe and secure, and theycan’t do that in a household where tempers are volatile. You

owe it to the children to make sure that you sort out differencesso that the children don’t get caught in the firing line or feelthey must tread on eggshells.

Don’t Argue in Front of the KidsNot arguing in front of the kids doesn’t mean you can’t everargue. It is far better for children to grow up with parents whorarely argue than parents who do all the time. But, actually, it’snot ideal to have parents who never argue. How are you sup-posed to learn how to handle conflict if you never see it? Howwill you know that couples can argue and it’s okay—they stilllove each other and make up afterwards?

The best scenario is for children to see that arguments are rarebut can happen from time to time. When they do, their parentsget angry with each other but never violent, and they don’t sayterrible things that everyone regrets forever. They make theirfeelings clear, but they do their best to be rational and to find aresolution to their argument. When they have resolved it,they’re affectionate and loving and the air is clear.

This scenario teaches children everything they need to know:

� Most problems can be resolved without arguments.� Occasionally, people do argue.� It’s okay to say how you feel.� It’s not okay to be violent or abusive.� You should stay in control of your emotions so you

can reach a solution.� Just because people argue it doesn’t mean they stop

loving each other.

20

Present a United FrontThere are, of course, plenty of subjects you shouldn’t argueabout in front of the children, ranging from whether you canstand another weekend with the in-laws, to whether or not youshould try that thing with the handcuffs again after the kids areasleep. But the absolutely most important thing you shouldnever ever argue about in the children’s earshot is the childrenthemselves.

If you disagree about how to treat the children, discuss it wheneither you or they are out of the house. Suppose you think it’sessential they be fed a really healthy diet, and are furiousbecause you came home today to find your fellow parent feed-ing the children fish sticks and French fries. Or maybe youthink the children should be made to do their homework nomatter how much they complain, while the other parent thinksthey should be allowed to leave it and pay the consequences atschool.

The vital rule to grasp here—unless your partner is advocatinglocking the kids in a closet for hours at a time, or somethingsimilarly abusive—is that it matters far more that the two ofyou present a united front, than whether your children eat fishsticks or fail their homework assignments.

For your children to be confident and to have a solid worldaround them, they need parents who agree on the way to bringthem up. It’s fine if mom puts up with a bit more whining thandad, or if dad lets them climb a higher tree when they go to thepark. If only one parent is there, and as long as the key behav-ior rules don’t change, it’s okay for these minor things to vary.The important thing is that mom and dad are both in agreementthat she puts up with more whining and he lets them climb big-ger trees.


21

You will seriously undermine your children’s confidence if youtell them that you disagree with what your partner does (andI’m afraid this is even more true if you’re separated or divorcedand the partner in question is an ex). When your child says toyou, “But Mom always lets us have chocolate when we go shop-ping,” the correct response is not, “Well I think she’s irrespon-sible.” If you’re not happy about it, you can simply say, “Fine,but I don’t.” Then, if you feel strongly about it, raise the matterwith your partner later. (I’d like to say in her defense that if shedoesn’t buy chocolate for the kids, she won’t be able to buy itfor herself…I can see where she’s coming from here.)

So, when you find your partner doing something that horrifiesyou, don’t launch into a heated debate. Wait until you’re alone andthen broach the subject. Don’t forget, it’s your relationship that isthe most important thing of all to your children’s confidence.

22

A Solid FoundationA Solid FoundationSome children will always be more self-assured than others,and will grow into more confident adults. However, if you makesure your children’s world is solid and they feel good aboutthemselves, you’ll create children whose confidence is at leastsufficient that it won’t hold them back. In the vast majority ofcases you’ll turn out a young adult who is happy to face theworld and can cope comfortably with all the challenges ofbeing a grown-up. You just need confidence in yourself that youcan do it.

179

Aabilities, tailoring

expectations to, 45-46

achievements, praisingspecificity in, 13types of praise, 9-13

active lifestyle, teaching,148-152

activitiesletting children choose,

148-149number to enroll in, 25-26

allowances, paying, 121-123arguments

among children, handling,166-171

teaching children via, 20attention

focusing, 90-91sharing, 91-93

attitudeabout food, 143-144about money, 131-134

Index

Bbank, parents as, 119-120bank accounts for

children, 124bedtime routines, creating,

31-32behavior

criticism of, 14-15modeling, 38-40modification. See discipline

body image, teaching, 153-154

bonding among siblings,encouraging, 159-160

arguments, handling, 166-171

comparing children, avoiding, 163

favoritism, avoiding, 164-166

treating children differentlybut fairly, 160-162

unity, building, 171-176

boundariesretaining during “quality

time,” 85-86setting, 2-3

bribery, rewards versus, 7budgeting, teaching,

125-126

C“carrots.” See rewardschallenges

as motivation, 73setting, 17

character traitsdifferences from parents’,

handling, 68, 70encouraging among

siblings, 172-174insecurities, overcoming,

74-81motivations, determining,

72-74praise for, 11, 15-18role in teaching skills, 109world views, respecting,

70-71charity, raising money for,

129-130checking accounts for

children, 124children’s nature,

respecting, 70-71chores, paying children for,

126-128

180

Christmas, magic in, 29cleaning children’s rooms,

teaching skills for,105-108

clothing, getting dirty,allowing, 34-35

comparing children, 103-104, 163

computer time, rationing,28-29, 151-152

confidence, instilling, 1boundaries, setting, 2-3criticism, 14-15”no,” thinking before

saying, 3-5parents’ relationship with

each other, 19-22praise, 9-13rewards versus

punishment, 5-8strengths, reminding of,

15-19cooking, teaching, 146-147coping strategies,

teaching, 155credit cards for

children, 124crises, sibling bonding

during, 176criticism of behavior, 14-15current events, encouraging

learning about, 64-66

Ddaily praise, 9debate skills, teaching,

61-64decision-making skills,

teaching, 57-61dens, building, 33-34dessert, avoiding, 137different treatment of

children, comparedto fair treatment,160-162

dinner-table discussions,encouraging, 61-62

dirt, allowing, 34-35disabled children, reminding

of strengths, 18disagreement between

parents, 20-22discipline

boundaries, setting, 2-3”no,” thinking before

saying, 3-5parental disagreement

about, 21-22rewards versus

punishment, 5-8

Eearning money for chores,

126-128eating healthy food, 136-147effort, praise for, 10-11emotional aspect of food,

141-143

INDEX

181

emotional skills, teaching,113-115, 155

empathy for overcominginsecurities, 77-78

employment of children,128-129

examples, setting, 38-40exercising, teaching,

148-152expectations

avoiding fantasy expectations, 93-95

tailoring to abilities, 45-46extracurricular activities

letting children choose,148-149

number to enroll in, 25-26

Ffair treatment of children,

compared to different treatment,160-162

fantasy, encouraging enjoyment of, 23-24

allowing messes, 34-35creating settings for, 33-34creating traditions, 29-32limiting screen time, 28-29providing space for, 24-28providing time for, 25-26suggestions for, 35-36

fantasy expectations, avoiding, 93-95

fathers. See parents


fears, overcoming, 74-81by empathizing with your

child, 77-78by outgrowing them, 76-77praising children for, 81talking to children about,

78-81fights, handling, 166-171focusing your attention,

90-91food, eating healthy,

136-147forts, building, 33-34free time, quality time

versus, 85freedom, as motivation, 73

Ggenerosity, teaching, 134

Hhealthy lifestyle,

teaching, 135body image, 153-154eating healthy food,

136-147emotions, handling, 155exercising, 148-152stress management,

156-157holiday traditions, creating,

29-31

182

homeworkchildren’s responsibility

for, 44example (decision-making

skills), 58“honesty competition”

(solving siblingarguments), 169

Iimagination, encouraging

enjoyment of, 23-24allowing messes, 34-35creating settings for,

33-34creating traditions, 29-32limiting screen time, 28-29providing space for, 24-28providing time for, 25-26suggestions for, 35-36

imperfection of parents,reminding childrenof, 19

improvement, praise for, 9incentives

bribery versus, 7punishment versus, 5-8for siblings as a

group, 175independence, teaching

skills foravoiding comparing

children, 103-104beginning early rather

than late, 101, 115-116

children’s personalities,role of, 109

cleaning children’s rooms,105-108

emotional skills, 113-115keeping track of

progress, 100list of essential skills,

110-113reminding children,

104-105in small steps, 98-99techniques for, 101-102

individuality, emphasizing,17-18

insecurities, overcoming,74-81

by empathizing with yourchild, 77-78

by outgrowing them, 76-77praising children for, 81talking to children about,

78-81interest (money), paying to

children, 119-120

Jjob satisfaction, as

motivation, 73jobs for children, 128-129

Llabeling children,

avoiding, 76lateral thinking skills,

encouraging, 55-57

INDEX

183

lessons, extracurricularletting children choose,


limiting screen time, 28-29,151-152

Mmagic, encouraging

enjoyment of, 23-24allowing messes, 34-35creating settings for, 33-34creating traditions, 29-32limiting screen time, 28-29providing space for, 24-28providing time for, 25-26suggestions for, 35-36

matching funds, paying tochildren, 123

me time, as selfish, 86-88meals, number per day, 144mealtime discussions,

encouraging, 61-62mental health

body image, 153-154emotional skills,

113-115, 155stress management,

156-157messes, allowing, 34-35mistakes, admitting, 37modeling behavior for

children, 38-40money, as motivation, 72money management skills,

teaching, 117-118

allowance money, 121-123attitude toward money,

131-134bank accounts, 124budgeting, 125-126matching funds, 123outside employment,

128-129paying for chores, 126-128paying interest, 119-120pocket money, 118-119raising money for charity,

129-130mothers. See parentsmotivations of children,

determining, 72-74multiples, emphasizing

individuality of, 18multitasking, focusing

attention versus,90-91

Nnature of children,

respecting, 70-71negative character traits.

See insecuritiesnewspaper reading,

encouraging, 64-66“no,” thinking before saying,

3-5nutrition, eating healthy

food, 136-147

184

Oopinions, encouraging

children to form, 61-64

organized sportsletting children choose,


organizing children’s rooms,teaching skills for,105-108

outgrowing insecurities, 76-77

overriding children’s decisions, 61

Pparents

children’s differencesfrom, handling, 68-70

imperfection, remindingchildren of, 19

relationship with eachother, 19-22

patterns of healthy eating,141-143

personalitiesdifferences from parents’,

handling, 68, 70encouraging among

siblings, 172-174insecurities, overcoming,

74-81motivations, determining,

72-74

praise for, 11, 15-18role in teaching skills, 109world views, respecting,

70-71pets, children’s

responsibility for, 45physical activity,

encouraging, 148-152

play, imaginative. See magicplaymates

siblings as, 171time with, 88-89who should be, 88-89

playtime, children’s responsibility during, 43

pocket money, giving to children, 118-119

practical thinking skills,encouraging, 54-55

praiseas motivation, 73for overcoming

insecurities, 81specificity in, 13for strengths, 15-18types of, 9-13for values-based

behavior, 42pressure from praise, 12-13problem-solving skills,

encouraging, 52-57punishment, rewards

versus, 5-8

INDEX

185

Qquadruplets, emphasizing

individuality of, 18quality time in routine

activities, 83-86questions, answering for

children, 52-53

Rrationing screen time,

28-29, 151-152reading, encouraging love

of, 50-52reading newspapers,

encouraging, 64-66recognition (praise)

as motivation, 73for overcoming

insecurities, 81specificity in, 13for strengths, 15-18types of, 9-13for values-based

behavior, 42reminders, providing,

104-105research skills,

encouraging, 52-55responsibilities

giving to children, 43-47as motivation, 73

rewardsbribery versus, 7punishment versus, 5-8for siblings as a group, 175

right and wrong, sense of,instilling

by giving responsibilities,43-47

by modeling behavior, 38-40

with praise, 10-12suppressing selfishness,

40-42by talking, 42-43

routine activities, qualitytime in, 83-86. Seealso traditions

Sschool, transportation

to/from, 149-150screen time, limiting, 28-29,

151-152security

children’s need for, 84as motivation, 72

self-assurance, instilling inchildren, 1

boundaries, setting, 2-3criticism, 14-15”no,” thinking before

saying, 3-5parents’ relationship with

each other, 19-22praise, 9-13rewards versus

punishment, 5-8strengths, reminding of,

15-19

186

selfishnessme time as, 86-88suppressing, 40-42

settings for magic, creating,33-34

sharing your attention, 91-93

sibling bonding, encouraging, 159-160

arguments, handling, 166-171

comparing children, avoiding, 163


treating children differently but fairly,160-162

unity, building, 171-176skills, teaching

avoiding comparing children, 103-104

beginning early ratherthan late, 101, 115-116



emotional skills, 113-115keeping track of

progress, 100list of essential skills,


104-105

in small steps, 98-99techniques for, 101-102

sleepovers, children’sresponsibility during, 44

space, providing for imaginative play,24-28

specialness, telling childrenof, 17-18

sportsletting children choose,


spouses. See parentssquabbles among children,

handling, 166-171status, as motivation, 73“sticks.” See punishmentstrengths

differences from parents’,handling, 68, 70

encouraging among siblings, 172-174

insecurities, overcoming,74-81

motivations, determining,72-74

praise for, 11, 15-18role in teaching skills, 109world views, respecting,

70-71stress management,

teaching, 156-157

INDEX

187

supporting each other (siblings), 172

swimming lessons, importance of, 26

Ttalking with children

about overcoming insecurities, 78-81

about responsibilities, 46-47

instilling values by, 42-43tattle telling,

discouraging, 174teaching skills

avoiding comparing children, 103-104

beginning early ratherthan late, 101, 115-116



emotional skills, 113-115keeping track of progress,

100list of essential skills,


104-105in small steps, 98-99techniques for, 101-102

team, treating siblings as,174-175

thinking skills, teaching, 49-50

debate skills, 61-64decision-making skills,

57-61lateral thinking skills,

55-57newspaper reading,

encouraging, 64-66practical thinking skills,

54-55problem-solving skills,

52-53by reading to children,

50-52time

avoiding fantasy expectations, 93-95

focusing your attention,90-91

me time, as selfish, 86-88with playmates, 88-89providing for imaginative

play, 25-26quality time in routine

activities, 83-86sharing your attention,

91-93traditions, creating, 29-32

188

treating children differently,basis for

individual motivations, 72-74

individual world views, 70-71

triplets, emphasizing individuality of, 18

TV time, limiting, 28-29,151-152

twins, emphasizing individuality of, 18

Uunhealthy food, avoiding,

136-138uniqueness, telling children

of, 17-18unity among siblings,

building, 171-176

Vvalues, instilling

by giving responsibilities,43-47

by modeling behavior, 38-40

with praise, 10-12suppressing selfishness,

40-42by talking, 42-43

variety of food, encouragingeating, 138-140

video games, limiting, 28-29

Wwalking to school,

encouraging, 149-150

weaknesses, overcoming,74-81

by empathizing with yourchild, 77-78

by outgrowing them, 76-77praising children for, 81talking to children about,

78-81weight control in children,

144-146world views of children,

respecting, 70-71

INDEX

189

Table of ContentsAbout the AuthorIntroductionTool 1: Make Their World SolidSet Clear Boundaries That Don’t MoveUse the Word “No” WiselyCarrots Are Better Than SticksRewards Versus BriberySticks and Carrot Sticks

Praise Beats CriticismBe Careful What You Praise Them ForPraise Can Mean Pressure

How to Make Them Really GlowPraise Them, and Criticize Their Behavior

Make Sure They Know Their StrengthsGive Them Challenges You Know They Can Meet (and They Don’t)Let Them Know They’re SpecialRemind Them That You Are Not Perfect Either

Your Relationship with Your SpouseDon’t Argue in Front of the KidsPresent a United Front

A Solid Foundation

IndexABCDEFGHIJLMNOPQRSTUVW

nobody told me that!: 10 tools for parenting happy, healthy … · 2012. 4. 26. · title: nobody...

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