LittleMythMarkerByRobertAsprin

ISBN:0-441-48499-9

Contents

ChapterOne:

ChapterTwo:

ChapterThree:

ChapterFour:

ChapterFive:

ChapterSix:

ChapterSeven:

ChapterEight:

ChapterNine:

ChapterTen:

ChapterEleven:

ChapterTwelve:

ChapterThirteen:

ChapterFourteen:

ChapterFifteen:

ChapterSixteen:

ChapterSeventeen:

ChapterEighteen:

ChapterNineteen:

ChapterTwenty:

ChapterOne:“Thedifferencebetweenaninsidestraightandablamedfooliscallin’thelastbet!”

-B.MAVERICK

“CALL!”

“Bump.”

“Bumpagain.”

“Who’reyoutryingtokid?Yougotelf-highnothing!”

“Tryme!”

“Allright!Raiseyoulimit.”

“Call.”

“Call.”

“Elf-highnothingbumpsyoubacklimit.”

“Fold.”

“Call.”

Forthoseofyoustartingthisbookatthebeginning(Blessyou!Ihateitwhenreaderscheatbyreadingahead!),thismaybealittleconfusing.Theaboveisthedialogueduringagameofdragonpoker.Whatisdragonpoker,youask?Well,it’sreputedtobethemostcomplicatedcardgameeverinvented...andhereattheBazaaratDeva,theyshouldknow.

TheBazaaristhebiggestshoppingmazeandhagglingspotinallthe

dimensions,andconsequentlygetsalotofdimensiontravelers(demons)passingthrough.Inadditiontotheshops,stalls,andrestaurants(whichreallydoesn’tdojusticetotheextentorvarietyoftheBazaar)thereisathrivinggamblingcommunityinresidencehere.Theyarealwaysonthelookoutforanewgame,particularlyonethatinvolvesbetting,andthemorecomplicatedthebetter.Thebasicphilosophyisthatacomplicatedgameismoreeasilywonbythosewhodevotefulltimetoitsstudythanbythetouristswhohavedabbledinitoraretryingtolearnitasthegamegoeson.Anyway,whenaDeveelbookietellsmethatdragonpokeristhemostcomplicatedcardgameever,Itendtobelievehim.

“Fold.”

“Call.”

“Okay,Mr.SkeevetheGrater.Let’sseeyoubeatthis!Dragonsfull!”

Heexposedhisholecardswithaflourishthatborderedonachallenge.Actually,Ihadbeenhopinghewoulddropoutofthehand.Thisparticularindividual(Grunk,Ithinkhisnamewas)waseasilytwoheadstallerthanmeandhadbrightredeyes,caninesalmostaslongasmyforearm,andanastydisposition.Hetendedtospeakinanangryshout,andthefactthathehadbeenlosingsteadilyhadnotmellowedhimintheslightest.

“Well?C’mon!Whathaveyougot?”

Iturnedovermyfourholecards,spreadthemnexttothefivealreadyfaceup,thenleanedbackandsmiled.

“That’sit?”Grunksaid,craninghisneckandscowlingatmycards.“Butthat’sonly...”

“Waitaminute,”theplayeronhisleftchimedin.“It’sTuesday.Thatmakeshisunicornswild.”

“Butit’samonthwithan‘M’init!”someoneelsepipedup.“Sohisogreisonlyhalfoffacevalue!”

“Butthere’sanevennumberofplayers....”

Itoldyouitwasacomplicatedgame.Thoseofyouwhoknowmefrommy

earlieradventures(blatantplug!)maywonderhowitisIunderstandsuchacomplexsystem.That’seasy.Idon’t!Ijustbet,thenspreadthecardsandlettheotherplayerssortoutwhowon.

YoumaywonderwhatIwasdoingsittinginonacutthroatgameofdragonpokerwhenIdidn’tevenknowtherules.Well,foronce,Ihaveananswer.Iwasenjoyingmyselfonmyownforachange.

Yousee,eversinceDonBruce,theMob’sfairygodfather,supposedlyhiredmetowatchovertheMob’sinterestsattheBazaarandassignedmetwobodyguards,GuidoandNunzio,I’verarelyhadamomenttomyself.

Thisweekend,however,mytwowatchdogswereoffmakingtheiryearlyreporttoMobCentral,leavingmetofendformyself.Obviously,beforetheyleft,theymademegivemysolemnpromisetobecareful.Alsoobviously,assoonastheyweregone,Isetouttodojusttheopposite.

EvenasidefromourpercentageoftheMob’stakeattheBazaar,ourmagicbusinesshadbeenbooming,somoneywasnoproblem.IfilchedacouplethousandingoldfrompettycashandwasallsettogoonaspreewhenaninvitationarrivedtositinononeoftheGeek’sdragonpokergamesatthisclub,theEven-Odds.

AsIsaidbefore,Iknowabsolutelynothingaboutdragonpokerotherthanthefactthatattheendofahandyouhavefivecardsfaceupandfourfacedown.

AnythingI’vetriedtogetmypartner,Aahz,toteachmemoreaboutthegame,I’vebeenlecturedabout“onlyplayinggamesyouknow”and“don’tgolookingfortrouble.”SinceIwasalreadylookingformischief,thechancetodefybothmybodyguardsandmypartnerwastoomuchtoresist.Imean,IfiguredtheworstthatcouldhappenwasthatI’dloseacouplethousandingold.Right?

“You’realloverlookingsomething.Thisistheforty-thirdhandandSkeevethereissittinginachairfacingnorth!”

Itookmycuefromthegroansandbetter-censoredexpressionsofdisgustandrakedinthepot.

“Say,Geek,”Grunksaid,hisredeyesglitteringatmethroughhalf-loweredeyelids.“AreyousurethisSkeevefellowisn’tusingmagic?”

“Guaranteed,”respondedtheDeveelwhowasgatheringthecardsandshufflingforthenexthand.“AnygameIhosthereattheEven-Oddsismonitoredagainstmagicandtelepathy.”

“Weelll,Idon’tnormallyplaycardswithmagicians,andI’veheardthatSkeevehereissupposedtobeprettygoodinthatdepartment.Maybehe’sgoodenoughthatyoujustcan’tcatchhimatit.”

Iwasstartingtogetalittlenervous.Imean,Iwasn’tusingmagic...andevenifIwasgoingto,Iwouldn’tknowhowtouseittorigacardgame.ThetroublewasthatGrunklookedperfectlycapableoftearingmyarmsoffifhethoughtIwascheating.IbeganrackingmybrainforsomewaytoconvincehimwithoutadmittingtoeveryoneatthetablejusthowlittleIknewaboutmagic.

“Relax,Grunk.Mr.Skeeve’sagoodplayer,that’sall.Justbecausehewinsdoesn’tmeanhe’scheating.”

ThatwasPidge,theonlyotherhuman-typeinthegame.Ishothimagratefulsmile.

“Idon’tmindsomeonewinning,”Grunkmuttereddefensively,“Buthe’sbeenwinningallnight.”

“I’velostmorethanyouhave,”Pidgesaid,“andyoudon’tseemegriping.I’mtellin’youMr.Skeeveisgood.I’vesatinongameswiththeKid,andIshouldknow.”

“TheKid?You’veplayedagainsthim?”Grunkwasvisiblyimpressed.

“Andlostmysocksdoingit,”Pidgeadmittedwryly.“I’dsaythatMrSkeevehereisgoodenoughtogivehimarunforhismoney,though.”

“Gentlemen?Areweheretotalkortoplaycards?”theGeekinterrupted,tappingthedeckmeaningfully.

“I’mout,”Pidgesaid,risingtohisfeet.“IknowwhenI’mout-classedevenifIhavetogointheholebeforeI’lladmitit.Mymarkerstillgood.Geek?”

“It’sgoodwithmeifnobodyelseobjects.”

Grunknoisilyslammedhisfistdownonthetable,causingseveralofmystacksofchipstofallover.

“What’sthisaboutmarkers?”hedemanded.“Ithoughtthiswasacash-onlygame!NobodysaidanythingaboutplayingforIOUs.”

“Pidgehere’sanexception,”theGeeksaid.“He’salwaysmadegoodonhismarkerbefore.Besides,youdon’thavetoworryaboutit,Grunk.Youaren’tevengettingallofyourmoneyback.”

“Yeah.ButIlostitbettingagainstsomebodywho’sbettingmarkersinsteadofcash.Itseemstome...”

“I’llcoverhismarker,”Isaidloftily.“Thatmakesitpersonalbetweenhimandme,soitdoesn’tinvolveanyoneelseatthetable.Right,Geek?”

“That’sright.Nowshutupandplay,Grunk.Ordoyouwantustodealyouout?”

Themonstergrumbledabitunderhisbreathbutleanedbackandtossedinanotherchiptoanteforthenexthand.

“Thanks,Mr.Skeeve,”Pidgesaid.“Anddon’tworry.LiketheGeeksays,Ialwaysreclaimmymarker.”

Iwinkedathimandwavedvaguelyasheleft,alreadyintentonthenexthandasItriedvainlytofigureouttherulesofthegame.

Ifmygrandgestureseemedalittleimpulsive,rememberthatI’dbeenwatchinghimplayallnight,andIknewhowmuchhehadlost.EvenifallofitwasonIOUs,Icouldcoveritoutofmywinningsandstillshowaprofit.

Yousee,Grunkwasright.Ihadbeenwinningsteadilyallnight...afactmadedoublysurprisingbymyignoranceofthegame.Earlyon,however,Ihadhitonasystemwhichseemedtobeworkingverywell:Bettheplayers,notthecards.Onthelasthand,Ihadn’tbeenbettingthatIhadawinninghand,IwasbettingthatGrunkhadalosinghand.Luckhadbeenagainsthimallnight,andhewasbettingwildtotrytomakeupforhislosses.

Followingmysystem,Ifoldedthenexttwohands,thenhitthemhardonthethird.Mostoftheotherplayersfoldedratherthanquestionmyjudgment.

Grunkstayeduntilthebitterend,hopingIwasbluffing.

ItturnedoutthatIwas(myhandwasn’tallthatstrong),butthathishandwasevenweaker.Anotherstackofchipstumbledintomyhoard.

“Thatdoesitforme,”Grunksaid,pushinghisremainingchipstowardtheGeek.“Cashmein.”

“Metoo.”

“Ishouldhaveleftanhourago.Wouldhavesavedmyselfacouplehundred.”

TheGeekwassuddenlybusyconvertingchipsbacktocashasthegamebrokeup.

Grunkloiteredforafewminutesafterreceivinghisshareofthebank.Nowthatwewerenolongerfacingeachotherovercards,hewassurprisinglypleasant.

“Youknow,Skeeve,”hesaid,clappingamassivehandonmyshoulder,“it’sbeenalongtimesinceI’vebeenwhippedthatbadatdragonpoker.MaybePidgewasright.You’reslumminghere.YoushouldtryforagamewiththeKid.”

“Iwasjustlucky.”

“No,I’mserious.IfIknewhowtogetintouchwithhim,I’dsetupthegamemyself.”

“Youwon’thaveto,”oneoftheotherplayersputinashestartedforthedoor.“Oncewordofthisgamegetsaround,theKidwillcomelookingforyou.”

“Trueenough,”Grunklaughedoverhisshoulder.

“Really,Skeeve.Ifthatmatch-uphappens,besuretopassthewordtome.That’sagameI’dliketosee.”

“Sure,Grunk,”Isaid.“You’llbeoneofthefirsttoknow.Catchyoulater.”

Actually,mymindwasracingasImademygoodbyes.Thiswasgettingoutofhand.Ihadfiguredononemadcapnightonmyown,thencallingitquitswithoutanyoneelsethewiser.Iftheotherplayersstartedshootingtheirmouthsoffall

overtheBazaar,therewouldbenohopeofkeepingmyevening’sadventureasecret...particularlyfromAahz!TheonlythingthatwouldbeworsewouldbeifIendedupwithsomehotshotgamblerhuntingmedownforachallengematch.

“Say,Geek,”Isaid,tryingtomakeitsoundcasual.

“Whoisthis‘Kid’theykeeptalkingabout?”

TheDeveelalmostlosthisgriponthestackofchipshewascounting.Hegavemealongstare,thenshrugged.

“Youknow,Skeeve,sometimesIdon’tknowwhenyou’rekiddingmeandwhenyou’reserious.Ikeepforgettingthatassuccessfulasyouare,you’restillnewtotheBazaar...andtogamblingspecifically.”

“Terrific.Who’sthe‘Kid’?”

“TheKid’sthecurrentkingofthedragonpokercircuit.Histrademarkisthathealwaysincludesabreathmintwithhisopeningbetforeachhand...saysthatitbringshimluck.That’swhytheycallhimthe‘Sen-SenAnteKid.’I’dadviseyoutostayawayfromhim,though.Youhadagoodruntonight,buttheKidisthebestthereis.He’deatyoualiveinahead-to-headgame.”

“Ihearthat.”Ilaughed.“Iwasonlycurious.Really.JustcashmeinandI’llbeonmyway.”

TheGeekgesturedatthestacksofcoinsonthetable.

“What’stocash?”hesaid.“IpulledmineoutthesametimeIcashedtheothers’out.Therestisyours.”

Ilookedatthemoneyandswallowedhard.ForthefirsttimeIcouldunderstandwhysomepeoplefoundgamblingsoaddictive.Therewaseasilytwentythousandingoldweighingdownthetable.Allmine.Fromonenightofcards!

“Urn...Geek?Couldyouholdontomywinningsforme?I’mnotwildabouttheideaofwalkingaroundwiththatmuchgoldonme.Icandropbackbylaterwithmybodyguardstopickitup.”

“Suityourself,”theGeekshrugged.“Ican’tthinkofanyoneattheBazaarwho

wouldhavenerveenoughtojumpyou,withyourreputation.Still,youmightrunintoastranger....”

“Fine,”Isaid,headingforthedoor.“ThenI’llbe...”

“Waitaminute!Aren’tyouforgettingsomething?”

“What’sthat?”

“Pidge’smarker.HangonandI’llgetit.”

HedisappearedbeforeIcouldprotest,soIleanedagainstthewalltowait.Ihadforgottenaboutthemarker,buttheGeekwasagamblerandadheredmorereligiouslytotheunwrittenlawsofgamblingthanmostfolksobeyedcivillaw.I’djusthavetohumorhimand...

“Here’sthemarker,Skeeve,”theDeveelannounced.“MarkiethisisSkeeve.”

Ijustgapedathim,unabletospeak.Actually,Igapedatthelittleblond-headedmoppethewasleadingbythehand.That’sright.Agirl.Nineortenyearsoldatthemost.

Iexperiencedanall-too-familiarsinkingfeelinginmystomachthatmeantIwasintrouble...lotsofit.

ChapterTwo:“Kids?Whosaidanythingaboutkids?”

-CONAN

THElittlegirllookedatmethrougheyesthatglowedwithtrustandlove.Shebarelystoodtallerthanmywaistandhadthatwholesome,healthyglowthatyounggirlsareallsupposedtohavebutsofewactuallydo.

Withherlittleberetandmatchingjumper,shelookedsomuchlikeanoversizeddollthatIwonderedifshe’dsay“Mama”ifyouturnedherupsidedown,thenright-sideupagain.

Shewassoadorablethatitwasobviousthatanyonewithadropofpaternalinstinctwouldfallinlovewithheronsight.Fortunately,mypartnerhadtrainedmewell;anyinstinctsIhadwereofamoremonetarynature.

“What’sthat?”Idemanded.

“It’salittlegirl,”theGeekresponded.“Haven’tyoueverseenonebefore?”

Foraminute,IthoughtIwasbeingbaited.ThenIrememberedsomeofmyearliestconversationswithAahzandcontrolledmytemper.

“Irealizethatit’salittlegirl,Geek,”Isaidcarefully.“WhatIwasreallytryingtoaskis-a)whoisshe?-b)whatisshedoinghere?and-c)whathasthisgottodowithPidge’smarker?DoImakemyselfclear?”

TheDeveelblinkedhiseyesinbewilderment.

“ButIjusttoldyou.HernameisMarkie.She’sPidge’smarker...youknow,theoneyousaidyouwouldcoverpersonally?”

Mystomachbottomedout.

“Geek,weweretalkingaboutapieceofpaper.Youknow,‘IOU,etc.’?Amarker!Wholeavesalittlegirlforamarker?”

“Pidgedoes.Alwayshas.C’mon,Skeeve.Youknowme.WouldIgiveanyonecreditforapieceofpaper?IgivePidgecreditonMarkieherebecauseIknowhe’llbebacktoreclaimher.”

“Right.Yougivehimcredit.Idon’tdealinlittlegirls.Geek.”

“Youdonow,”hesmiled.“Everyoneatthetableheardyousayso.I’lladmitIwasalittlesurprisedatthetime.”

“...ButnotsurprisedenoughtowarnmeaboutwhatIwasbuyinginto.Thanksalot,Geekoldpal.I’lltrytoremembertoreturnthefavorsomeday.”

Incaseyoudidn’tnotice,thatlastpartwasanopenthreat.Ashasbeennoted,I’vebeengettingquiteareputationaroundtheBazaarasamagician,andIdidn’treallythinktheGeekwantedtobeonmybadside.

Okay.Soitwasarottentrick.Iwasgettingdesperate.

“Whoa.Holdit,”theDeveelsaidquickly.“Noreasontogetupset.Ifyoudon’twanther,I’llgiveyoucashtocoverthemarkerandkeephermyself...”

“That’sbetter.”

“...attheusualterms,ofcourse.”

IknewIwasbeingsuckered.Knewit,mindyou.ButIhadtoaskanyway.

“Whatterms?”

“IfPidgedoesn’treclaimherintwoweeks,Isellherintoslaveryforenoughmoneytocoverherfather’slosses.”

Checkandmate.

IlookedatMarkie.ShewasstillholdingtheGeek’shand,listeningsolemnlywhilewearguedoutherfate.

Asoureyesmet,shesaidherfirstwordssinceshehadenteredtheroom.

“Areyougoingtobemynewdaddy?”

Iswallowedhard.

“No,I’mnotyourdaddy,Markie.Ijust...”

“Oh,Iknow.It’sjustthateverytimemyrealdaddyleavesmewithsomeone,hetellsmethatthey’regoingtobemypretenddaddyforawhile.I’msupposedtomindthemanddowhattheytellmejustasiftheyweremyrealdaddyuntilmyrealdaddycomestogetme.Ijustwantedtoknowifyouweregoingtobemynewpretenddaddy?”

“Ummm...”

“Ihopeso.You’renice.Notlikesomeofthescumbagshe’sleftmewith.Willyoubemynewdaddy?”

Withthat,shereachedoutandtookholdofmyhand.

Asmallthrillranthroughmelikeanautumnshiver.Shewassovulnerable,sotrusting.Ihadbeenonmyownforalongtime,firstalone,thenapprenticedtoGarkin,andfinallyteamedwithAahz.Inallthattime,Ihadneverreallybeenresponsibleforanotherperson.Itwasafunnyfeeling,scaryandwarmingatthesametime.

ItoremyeyesawayfromherandglaredattheGeekagain.

“Slavery’soutlawedhereattheBazaar.”

TheDeveelshrugged.“Thereareotherdimensions.Asamatteroffact,I’vehadastandingofferforherforseveralyears.That’swhyI’vebeenwillingtoacceptherascollateral.Icouldmakeenoughtocoverthebet,thecostofthefoodshe’seatenovertheyears,andstillturnatidyprofit.”

“That’saboutthelowest...”

“Hey!Thename’s‘theGeek,’not‘theRedCross’!Idon’tdocharity.Folkscometometobet,notforhandouts.”

Ihaven’tthrownapunchatanyonesinceIstartedpracticingmagic,butIwas

sorelytemptedtobreakthatrecordjustthisone.Instead,Iturnedtothelittlegirl.

“Getyourthings,Markie.Daddy’stakingyoutoyournewhome.”

MypartnerandIwerecurrentlybasingouroperationsattheBazaaratDeva,whichisthehomedimensionoftheDeveels.Deevelsarereputedtobethesharpestmerchants,traders,andhagglersinalltheknowndimensions.Youmayhaveheardoftheminvariousfolktalesinyourownhomedimension.Theirfamelingersevenindimensionstheyhavelongsincestoppedtradingin.

TheBazaaristheshowcaseofDeva...infact,I’veneverseenapartofDevathatwasn’ttheBazaar.HeretheDeveelsmeettotradewitheachother,buyingandsellingthechoicestmagicsandmiraclesfromallthedimensions.It’sanaround-the-clock,over-the-horizonsprawloftents,shops,andbarterblanketswhereyoucanacquireanythingyourimaginationcanconjureaswellasalotofthingsyouneverdreamedexisted...foraprice.Manyinventorsandreligiousfigureshavebuilttheirentirecareerfromitemspurchasedinonetriptothebazaar.Needlesstosay,itisdevastatingtotheaveragebudget...eveniftheholderofthepursestringshasabove-averagesalesresistance.

NormallyIenjoystrollingthroughthebooths,buttonight,withMarkiebesideme,Iwastoodistractedtoconcentrateonthedisplays.Itoccurredtomethat,funasitisforadults,theBazaarisnoplacetoraiseachild.

“Willwebelivingbyourselves,ordoyouhaveagirlfriend?”

MarkiewasclingingtomyhandaswemadeourwaythroughtheBazaar.Thewondersofthestallsandshopsdispensingmagicreachedouttousastheyalwaysdo,butshewasoblivioustothem,choosinginsteadtoplymewithquestionsandhangingonmyeveryword.

“‘No’stobothquestions.Tanandaliveswithme,butsheisn’tmygirlfriend.She’safree-lanceassassinwhohelpsmeoutonjobsfromtimetotime.Thenthere’sChumley,herbrother.He’satrollwhoworksunderthenameofCrunch.You’lllikethem.They’renice...inalotofwaysthey’renicerthanIam.”

Markiebitherlipandfrowned.“Ihopeyou’reright.I’vefoundthatalotofnicepeopledon’tlikelittlekids.”

“Don’tworry,”Isaid,withmoreconfidencethanIfelt.“ButI’mnotdoneyet.There’salsoGuidoandNunzio,mybodyguards.Theymayseemalittlegruff,butdon’tletthemscareyou.Theyjustacttoughbecauseit’spartoftheirjob.”

“Gee.I’veneverhadadaddywhohadbodyguardsbefore.”

“That’snotall.WealsohaveButtercup,who’sawarunicorn,andGleep,who’smyveryownpetdragon.”

“Oh,lotsofpeoplehavedragons.I’mmoreimpressedbythebodyguards.”

Thattookmeabackalittle.I’dalwaysthoughtthathavingadragonwasratherunique.Imean,nobodyelseIknewhadadragon.Thenagain,nobodyelseIknewhadbodyguards,either.

“Let’ssee,”Markiewassaying.“There’sTananda,Chumley.Guido,Nunzio,Buttercup,andGleep.Isthatall?”

“Well,there’salsoMassha.She’smyapprentice.”

“Massha.That’saprettyname.”

Now,therearelotsofwordstodescribemyapprentice,butunfortunately‘pretty’isn’toneofthem.

Masshaishuge,bothinheightandbreadth.Therearelargepeoplewhostillmanagetolookattractive,butmyapprenticeisn’toneofthem.Shetendstowardloud,colorfulclotheswhichinvariablyclashwithherbrightorangehair,andwearsenoughjewelryforthreestores.

Infact,thelasttimeshegotintoafighthereattheBazaarwaswhenanearsightedshoppermistookherforadisplaytent.

“Aahh...you’lljusthavetomeether.Butyou’reright.Masshaisaprettyname.”

“Gee,you’vegotalotofpeoplelivingwithyou.”

“Well...umm...thereisonemore.”

“Who’sthat?”

“HisnameisAahz.He’smypartner.”

“Ishenice,too?”

Iwastornbetweenloyaltyandhonesty.

“He...aah...takesgettingusedto.RememberhowItoldyounottobescaredofthebodyguardseveniftheywerealittlegruff?”

“Yes.”

“Well,it’sallrighttobescaredofAahz.Hegetsalittleupsetfromtimetotime,anduntilhecoolsdownit’sbesttogivehimalotofroomandnotleaveanythingbreakable-likeyourarm-withinhisreach.”

“Whatgetshimupset?”

“Oh,theweather,losingmoney,notmakingmoney...whichtohimisthesameaslosingmoney,anyoneofahundredthingsthatIsay...andyou!I’mafraidhe’sgoingtobealittleupsetwhenhemeetsyou.sostaybehindmeuntilIgethimcalmeddown.Okay?”

“Whywouldhebeupsetwithme?”

“You’regoingtobeasurprisetohim,andhedoesn’tlikesurprises.Yousee,he’saverysuspiciouspersonandtendstothinkofasurpriseasapartofanunknownplotagainsthim...orme.”

Markielapsedintosilence.Herblowfurrowedasshestaredoffintonothingness,anditoccurredtomethatIwasscaringher.

“Hey,don’tworry,”Isaid,squeezingherhand.“Aahzwillbeokayoncehegetsoverbeingsurprised.Nowtellmeaboutyourself.Doyougotoschool?”

“Yes.I’mhalfwaythroughElementalSchool.I’dbefurtherifwedidn’tkeepmovingaround.”

“Don’tyoumeanElementarySchool?”Ismiled.

“No.Imean...”

“Whoops.Hereweare.Thisisyournewhome,Markie.”

Igesturedgrandlyatthesmalltentthatwasourcombinationhomeandheadquarters.

“Isn’titalittlesmallforallthosepeople?”shefrowned,staringatthetent.

“It’sbiggerinsidethanitisoutside,”Iexplained.“C’mon.I’llshowyou.”

IraisedtheflapforherandimmediatelywishedIhadn’t.

“Wait’llIgetmyhandsonhim!”cameAahz’sboomingvoicefromwithin.“AfterallthetimesI’vetoldhimtostayawayfromdragonpoker!”

ItoccurredtomethatmaybeweshouldwaitforawhilebeforeintroducingMarkietomypartner.Istartedtoeasetheflapdown,butitwastoolate.

“Isthatyou,partner?I’dliketohavealittlechat,ifyoudon’tmind!”

“Remember.Staybehindme,”IwhisperedtoMarkie,thenproceededtowalkintothelion’sden.

ChapterThree:“I’mdoingthisforyourowngood!”

-ANYESTABLISHMENTEXECUTIONER...ORANYPARENT

AsItoldMarkie,ourplaceattheBazaarwasbiggerontheinsidethanontheoutside...lotsbigger!I’vebeeninsmallerpalaces...heck,I’velivedandworkedinsmallerpalacesthanourcurrentdomicile.BackwhenIwascourtmagicianatPossletum,tobeexact.

HereattheBazaar,theDeveelsthinkthatanydisplayofwealthwillweakentheirpositionwhentheyhaggleoverprices,sotheyhidethesizeoftheirhomesbytuckingtheminto‘unlisteddimensions.’Eventhoughourhomelookedlikejustahumbletentfromthestreet,theinsideincludedmultiplebedrooms,astablearea,acourtyardandgarden,etc.,etc.Yougetthepicture.

Unfortunatelyforme,atthemomentitalsoincludedmypartner,Aahz.

“Well,ifitisn’ttheBazaar’sownanswertoWar,Famine,Death,andPestilence!OtherdimensionshavetheFourHorsemen,buttheBazaaratDevahastheGreatSkeeve!”

Remembermypartner,Aahz?ImentionedhimbackinChapterOneandagaininChapterTwo.Mostofmyeffortstodescribehimfailtopreparepeoplefortherealthing.WhatIusuallyforgettomentiontofolksisthathe’sfromthedimensionPerv.Forthoseofyouunfamiliarwithdimensiontravel,thatmeansheisgreenandscalywithamouthbigenoughforanyotherthreebeingsandteethenoughforaschoolofsharks...ifshark’steethgottobefourincheslong,thatis.Idon’tdeliberatelyomitthingsfrommydescriptions.It’sjustthatafteralltheseyearsI’vegottenusedtohim.

“Haveyougotanythingatalltosayforyourself?Notthatthere’sanyacceptableexcuse,mindyou.It’sjustthattraditionallowsyouafewlastwords.”

Well...I’vealmostgottenusedtohim.

“Hi,Aahz.Haveyouheardaboutthecardgame?”

“Abouttwohoursago,”Masshasuppliedfromanearbychairwhereshewasentrenchedwithabookandahugeboxofchocolates.“He’sbeenlikethiseversince.”

“Iseeyou’vedoneyourusualmarvelousjobofcalminghimdown.”

“I’mjustanapprenticearoundhere,”shesaidwithashrug.“Gettingbetweenyoutwoinaquarrelisnotpartofmygameplanforalongandprosperouslife.”

“Ifyoutwoarequitethrough,”Aahzgrowled,“I’mstillwaitingtohearwhatyouhavetosayforyourself.”

“What’stosay?Isatinonagameofdragonpoker....”

“WHO’SBEENTEACHINGYOUTOPLAYDRAGONPOKER?That’swhatthereistosay!WasitTananda?Chumley?Howcomeyou’regoingtootherpeopleforlessonsallofasudden?Aren’tIgoodenoughfortheGreatSkeeveanymore?”

Thetruthofthesituationsuddenlydawnedonme.

AahzwasmyteacherbeforeheinsistedthatIbeelevatedtofullpartnerstatus.Eventhoughweweretheoreticallyequals,oldhabitsdiehardandhestillconsideredhimselftobemyexclusiveteacher,mentor,coach,andall-aroundnudge.Whattherealproblemwasthatmypartnerwasjealousofsomeoneelsehorninginonwhathefeltwashisprivatestudent!

PerhapsthisproblemwouldbeeasiertodealwiththanIthought.

“Nooneelsehasbeenteachingme,Aahz.EverythingIknowaboutdragonpoker,Ilearnedfromyou.”

“ButIhaven’ttaughtyouanything.”

“Exactly.”

Thatstoppedhim.Atleast,ithaltedhispacingasheturnedtopeersuspiciouslyatmewithhisyelloweyes.

“Youmeanyoudon’tknowanythingatallaboutdragonpoker?”

“Well,fromlisteningtoyoutalk,Iknowabouthowmanycardsaredealtoutandstufflikethat.Istillhaven’tfiguredoutwhatthevarioushandsare,muchlesstheirorder...youknow,whatbeatswhat.”

“Iknow,”mypartnersaidpointedly.“WhatIdon’tknowiswhyyoudecidedtositinonagameyoudon’tknowthefirstthingabout.”

“TheGeeksentmeaninvitation,andIthoughtitwouldbesociableto...”

“TheGeek?YousatinatoneoftheGeek’sgamesattheEven-Oddstobesociable?”Hewasoffagain.

“Don’tyouknowthatthosearesomeofthemostcutthroatgamesattheBazaar?Theyeatamateursaliveatthosetables.Andyouwenttheretobesociable?”

“Sure.IfiguredtheworsethatcouldhappenwouldbethatIlostalittlemoney.Thewaythingshavebeengoing,wecanaffordit.Besides,whoknows,Imightgetlucky.”

“Lucky?NowIknowyoudon’tknowanythingaboutdragonpoker.It’sagameofskill,notluck.Allyoucoulddowasthrowyourmoneyaway...moneywe’vebothriskedourlivesfor,Imightadd.”

“Yes,Aahz.”

“Andbesides,oneofthefirstthingsyoulearnplayinganykindofpokeristhatthesurestwaytoloseistogoinexpectingtolose.”

“Yes,Aahz.”

Outofdesperation,Iwasretreatingbehindmystrongestdefense.Iwasagreeingwitheverythinghesaid.EvenAahzhastroublestayingmadatsomeonewho’sagreeingwithhim.

“Well,what’sdoneisdoneandalltheshoutingintheworldwon’tchangeit.I

justhopeyou’velearnedyourlesson.Howmuchdiditcostyou,anyway?”

“Iwon.”

“Okay.Justtoshowyouthere’renohardfeelings,we’llsplitit.Inawayit’smyfault.Ishouldhavetaughtyou...”

Therewasasuddenstillnessintheroom.EvenMasshahadstoppedwithabonbonhalfwaytohermouth.Veryslowly,Aahzturnedtofaceme.

“Youknow,Skeeve,foraminutethere,Ithoughtyousaid...”

“Iwon,”Irepeated,tryingdesperatelynottosmile.

“Youwon.Asin‘betterthanbrokeeven’won?”

“Asin‘twentythousandingoldplus’won,”Icorrected.

“Butifyoudidn’tknowhowthegamewasplayed,howcouldyou...”

“Ijustbetthepeople,notthecards.Itseemedtoworkoutprettywell.”

Iwasinmyglorynow.ItwasararetimeindeedthatImanagedtoimpressmypartner,andIwasgoingtomilkitforallitwasworth.

“Butthat’scrazy!”Aahzscowled.“Imean,itcouldworkforawhile,butinthelongrun...”

“Hewasgreat!”Markieannounced,emergingfrombehindme.“Youshouldhaveseenit.Hebeateverybody.”

My“glory”cametumblingdownaroundmyears.

WithonehandIshovedMarkiebackbehindmeandbracedfortheexplosion.WhatIreallywantedtodowasrunforcover,butthatwouldhaveleftMarkiealoneintheopen,soIsettledforclosingmyeyes.

Nothinghappened.

Afterafewmoments,Icouldn’tstandthesuspenseanymoreandopenedoneeyetosneakapeek.TheviewIwastreatedtowasanextremeclose-upofoneof

Aahz’syelloweyes.Hewasstandingnosetonosewithme,apparentlywaitinguntilIwasreadybeforelaunchingintohistirade.Itwasobviousthathewasready.Thegoldflecksinhiseyeswereshimmeringasiftheywereabouttoboil...andforallIknew,theywere.

“Who...is...that?”

Idecidedagainsttryingtoplaydumbandsay“Whoiswhat?”Attherangehewasstanding,Aahzwouldhavebittenmyheadoff...literally!

“Umm...rememberIsaidthatIwontwentythousandplus?Well,she’stheplus.”

“YOUWONAKIDINACARDGAME!?!!”

Theforceofmypartner’svoiceactuallyknockedmebacktwosteps.IprobablywouldhavegonefartherifIhadn’tbumpedagainstMarkie.

“AREYOUOUTOFYOURMIND??DON’TYOUKNOWTHEPENALTYFORSLAVERYIS...”

Hedisappearedinmid-sentencebehindawalloffleshandtastelesscolor.Despiteherearlierclaimsofvaluingself-preservation,Masshahadsteppedbetweenus.

“Justcooldownaminute.GreenandScaly.”

Aahztriedtogetaroundher.

“BUTHEJUST...”

Shetookahalfstepsidewaysandblockedhimbyleaningagainstthewall.

“Givehimachancetoexplain.Heisyourpartner,isn’the?”

Fromthesoundofhisvoice,Aahzreversedhisfieldandtriedfortheotherside.

“BUTHE...”

Masshatooktwostepsandleanedagainsttheotherwall,allthewhiletalkingasifshewasn’tbeinginterrupted.

“Noweitherhe’sanidiot...whichheisn’t,oryou’realousyteacher...whichyouaren’t,orthere’smoretothisthanmeetstheeye.Hmmm?“

Therewereseveralmomentsofsilence,thenAahzspokeagaininavoicemuchmoresubdued.

“Allright,partner.Let’shearit.”

MassharelinquishedherspotandIcouldseeAahzagain...thoughIalmostwishedIcouldn’t.Hewasbreathinghard,butwhetherfromangerorfromtheexertionoftryingtogetaroundMasshaIcouldn’ttell.Icouldhearthescalesonhisfingersraspasheclenchedandunclenchedhisfists,andIknewthatI’dbettertellmystoryfastbeforehelostcontrolagain.

“Ididn’twinher,”Isaidhastily.“Iwonherfather’smarker.She’sourguaranteethathe’llcomebackandmakehislossesgood.”

Aahzstoppedmakingwiththefists,andapuzzledfrowncreasedhisfeatures.

“Amarker?Idon’tgetit.TheGeek’sgamesarealwaysonacash-and-carrybasis.”

“Well,heseemstohavemadeanexceptioninPidge’scase.”

“Pidge?”

“That’smydaddy,”Markieannounced,steppingfrombehindmeagain.“It’sshortforPigeon.Helosesalot...that’swhyeveryoneisalwayssohappytolethimsitinonagame.”

“Cutekid,”Aahzsaiddryly.“Italsomightexplainwhyyoudidsowellinthegametonight.Onescrewballcanchangethepaceofanentiregame.Still,whentheGeekdoestakemarkers,heusuallypaysthewinnersincashandhandlesthecollectinghimself.”

“Hewaswillingtodothat.”

“Thenwhy...”

“...andifMarkie’sfatherdidn’tshowupintwoweeks,hewasgoingtotakeher

off-dimensionandsellherintoslaveryhimselftoraisethemoney.”

Fromherchair.Masshagavealowwhistle.

“Sweetguy,thisGeek.”

“He’saDeveel.”Aahzwavedabsently,asifthestatementexplainedeverything.“Okay,okay.IcanseewhereyoufeltyouhadtoacceptcustodyofthekidhereinsteadofleavingherwiththeGeek.Justanswermeonequestion.”

“What’sthat?”

“Whatdowedowithherifherfatherdoesn’tshowup?”

SometimesIlikeitbetterwhenAahzisrantingthanwhenhe’sthinking.

“Aahh...I’mstillworkingonthatone.”

“Terrific.Well,whenyoucomeupwithananswer,letmeknow.IthinkI’llstayinmyroomuntilthiswholethingblowsover.”

Withthathestrodeoutoftheroom,leavingMasshaandmetodealwithMarkie.

“Cheerup.HotStuff,”myapprenticesaid.“Kidsaren’tallthatmuchofaproblem.Hey,Markie.Wouldyoulikeapieceofchocolate?”

“No,thankyou.Itmightmakemefatanduglylikeyou.”

Iwinced.Upuntilnow,MasshahadbeenmyallyonthesubjectofMarkie,butthismightchangeeverything.Shewasverysensitiveaboutherweight,somostofustendedtoavoidanymentionofit.Infact,IhadgottensousedtoherappearancethatItendedtoforgethowshelookedtoanyonewhodidn’tknowher.

“Markie!”Iaidsternly.“Thatwasn’taverynicethingtosay.”

“Butit’strue!”shecountered,turningherinnocenteyesonme.

“That’swhyit’snotnice,”Masshalaughed,thoughInoticedhersmilewasalittleforced.“C’mon,Markie.Let’shitthepantryandtrytofindyousomethingtoeat...somethinglow-calorie.”

Thetwoofthemtroopedout,leavingmealonewithmythoughts.Aahzhadraisedagoodquestion.WhatwerewegoingtodoifMarkie’sfatherdidn’tcomeback?Ihadneverbeenaroundkidsbefore.Iknewthathavingheraroundwouldcauseproblems,buthowmanyproblems?Witheverythingelsewehadhandledasateam,surelyAahzandIcouldhandlealittlegirl.Ofcourse,Aahzwas...

“Thereyouare.Boss!Good.Iwashopin’youwerestillup.”

Iclearedmymindtofindoneofmybodyguardsenteringtheroom.

“Oh.Hi,Guido.Howdidthereportgo?”

“Couldn’tbebetter.Infact,DonBrucewassohappyhesentyoualittlepresent.”

Inspiteofmyworries,Icouldn’thelpsmiling.Atleastsomethingwasgoingright.

“That’sgreat,”Isaid.“Icouldusealittlecheeringupjustnow.”

“ThenI’vegotjustthething.Hey,Nunzio!Bringherinhere!”

Mysmilefroze.Itrieddesperatelynottopanic.Afterall,Ireasoned,peoplerefertoalotofthingsas“her.”

Boats,forexample,oreven...

“Boss,thisisBunny.DonBrucesendsherwithhiscomplimentsonajobwelldone.She’sgoingtobeyourmoll.”

Thegirltheywereescortingintotheroomborenoresemblanceatalltoaboat.

ChapterFour:“Adollisadollisadoll.”

-F.SlNATRA

BUNNYwasatop-heavylittleredheadwithherhairinapixiecutandavacantstareazombiewouldenvy.Shewasvigorouslychewingsomethingassherubbernecked,tryingtotakeintheentireroomatonce.

“Gee.Thisisquiteaplaceyouguys’sgothere.It’salotnicerthanthelastplaceIwasat,yaknow?”

“Thisisjustthewaitin’room,”Nunziosaidwithpride.“Wait’llyouseetherestofthelayout.It’sbigger’nanyhangoutI’veeverworked,knowwhatImean?”

“What’samatterwithyoutwo?”Guidobarked.

“Ain’tyagotnomanners?Firstthingsfirst.Bunny,thisistheBoss.He’stheoneyou’regoin’tobeworkin’under.”

Bunnyadvancedtowardmeholdingoutherhand.

Fromthewayherbodymovedunderhertight-fittingclothes,therewaslittledoubtwhatshewaswearingunderthem...ornotwearing,asthecasemaybe.

“Pleasedtameetcha.Boss.Thepleasure’smutual,”shesaidbrightly.

Foronce,Iknewexactlywhattosay.

“No.”

Shestopped,thenturnedtowardGuidowithafrown.

“Hemeansnottocallhim‘Boss’untilyougettoknowhim,”mybodyguardassuredher.“Aroundherehe’sjustknownasSkeeve.”

“Gotcha,”shewinked.“Okay,Skeeve...yaknow,that’skindacute.”

“No,”Irepeated.

“Okay.Soit’snotcute.Whateveryousay.You’retheBoss.”

“NO!”

“But...”

IignoredherandturneddirectlytoGuido.

“Haveyoulostyourmarbles?Whatareyoudoingbringingherinherelikethis?”

“LikeIsaid.Boss,she’sapresentfromDonBruce.”

“Guido,lotsofpeoplegiveeachotherpresents.Presentslikenecktiesandbooks...notgirls!”

Mybodyguardshruggedhisshouldershelplessly.“SoDonBruceain’tlotsofpeople.He’stheonewhoassignedustoyouinthefirstplace,andhesaysthatsomeonewithyourstandin’intheMobshouldhaveamoll.”

“Guido...let’stalk.Excuseusaminute.Bunny.”

Islippedanarmaroundmybodyguard’sshouldersanddrewhimoffintoacorner.ThatmaysoundeasyuntilyourealizeIhadtoreachuptogettohisshoulders.BothGuidoandNunzioareconsiderablylargerthanme.

“Nowlook,Guido,”Isaid.“RememberwhenIexplainedoursetuptoyou?”

“Sure,Boss.”

“Well,let’swalkthroughitagain.DonBrucehiredAahzandmeonanon-exclusivebasistowatchovertheMob’sinterestshereattheBazaar.Now,hedidthatbecausetheordinarymethodsheemploysweren’tworking...Right?”

“Actually,hehiredyouandincludedyourpartner.Exceptforthat...right.”

“Whatever.WealsoexplainedtoyouthatthereasontheMob’susualmethods

weren’tworkingwasthattheBazaarmerchantshadhiredustochasetheMobout.Remember?”

“Yea.Thatwasreallyasurprisewhenyoutoldus.Youreallyhadusgoin’,knowwhatImean?”

“Nowthatbringsustothepresent.Themoneywe’recollectingfromtheBazaarmerchantsandpassingontoDonBruce,themoneyhethinksthey’repayingtheMobforprotection,isactuallybeingpaidtoustokeeptheMobawayfromtheBazaar.Getit?”

“Gotit.”

“Good.Then,understandingthesituationasyoudo,youcanseewhyIdon’twantamolloranyoneelsefromtheMobhangingaround.IfwordgetsbacktoDonBrucethatwe’reflim-flamminghim,it’llreopenthewholekettleofworms.That’swhyyou’vegottogetridofher.”

Guidonoddedvigorously.“No,”hesaid.

“Thenallyouhaveto...whatdoyoumean,‘no’?DoIhavetoexplainitalltoyouagain?”

Mybodyguardheavedagreatsigh.

“Iunderstandthesituation,Boss.ButIdon’tthinkyoudo.Allowmetocontinuewhereyouleftoff.”

“ButI...”

“Now,whateveryouare,DonBruceconsidersyoutobeaminorchieftainintheMobrunningaprofitableoperation.Right?”

“Well...”

“Assuch,youareentitledtoanicehouse,whichyouhave,acoupleofbodyguards,whichyouhave,andamoll,whichyoudon’thave.ThesethingsarenecessaryinDonBruce’seyesiftheMobistomaintainitspublicimageofrewardingsuccessfulmembers...justasitfindsitnecessarytoexpressitsdispleasureatmemberswhofail.Followme?”

“Publicimage,”Isaidweakly.

“SoitisintheinterestsoftheMobthatDonBrucehasprovidedyouwithwhatyouhavefailedtoprovideyourself...namely:amoll.Ifyoudonotlikethisone,wecantakeherbackandgetanother,butamollyoumusthaveifwearetocontinueinourexistingcarefreemanner.Otherwise...”Hepauseddramatically.

“Otherwise...?”Iprompted.

“IfyoudonotmaintaintheappearanceofasuccessfulMobmember,DonBrucewillbeforcedtodealwithyouasifyouwereunsuccessful...knowwhatImean?”

Isuddenlyfelttheneedtomassagemyforehead.“Terrific.”

“Mysentimentsexactly.Underthecircumstances,however,Ithoughtitwisesttoaccepthisgiftinyournameandhopethatyoucouldfindanamicablesolutiontoourdilemmaatalaterdate.”

“Isupposeyou’re...Hey!Waitaminute.WealreadyhaveMasshaandTanandainresidence.Won’ttheydo?”

Guidogavehissighagain.“Thispossibilitydidindeedoccurtomeaswell.ThenIsaidtomyself:‘Guido,doyoureallywanttobetheonetohangthelabelofmolloneitherMasshaorTananda,knowingthoseladiesasyoudo?EvenifitwillonlybebanteredaroundtheMob?’Viewedinthatlight,itwasmydecisiontogoalongwithDonBruce’sproposalandleaveittoyoutomakethefinaldecision...Boss.”

Ishotasharpglanceathimforthatlasttouchofsarcasm.Despitehisaffectedspeechpatternsandpseudo-pompousexplanations,IoccasionallyhadtheimpressionthatGuidowasfarmoreintelligentthanheleton.Atthemoment,however,hisfacewasastudyininnocence,soIletitride.

“Iseewhatyoumean,Guido.IfeitherMasshaorTanandaaregoingtobeknownas‘molls,’I’dratheritwastheirchoice,notmine.Untilthen,Iguesswe’restuckwith...what’shername?Bunny?Doesshewigglehernoseorsomething?”

Guidoglancedacrosstheroomattheothertwo,thenloweredhisvoice

conspiratorially.“Justbetweenyouandme,Boss,IthinkyouwouldbewelladvisedtoacceptthisparticularmollthatDonBrucehaspersonallyselectedtosend.KnowwhatImean?”

“No,Idon’t.”Igrimaced.“Excuseme,Guido,butthemind’sworkingalittleslowjustnow.Ifyou’retryingtotellmesomething,you’regoingtohavetospellitout.”

“Well,Ididalittlecheckin’around,anditseemsthatBunnyhereisDonBruce’sniece,and...”

“HISN...”

“Ssshh.Keepitdown.Boss.Idon’tthinkwe’resupposedtoknowthat.”

Withasupremeeffort,Isuppressedmyhysteriaandloweredmyvoiceagain.“Whatareyoutryingtodotome?I’mtryingtokeepthisoperationunderwrapsandyoubringmeDonBruce’sniece?”

“Don’tworry.”

“DON’TW...”

“Sshh!LikeIsaid.I’vebeencheckingaround.Itseemsthetwoofthemdon’tgetalongatall.Wouldn’tgiveeachotherthetimeofday.ThewayIhearit,hedoesn’twanthertobeamoll,andshewon’tgoalongwithanyotherkindofwork.Theyfightoveritlikecatsanddogs.Anyway,ifyoucantrustanymolltonotfeedDonBrucethestraightscoop,it’sher.That’swhyIwassayin’thatyoushouldkeepthisone.”

Myheadachehadnowspreadtomystomach.

“Swell.Justswell.Well,atleast...”

“TheonethingIcouldn’tfindout,though,”Guidocontinuedwithafrown,“iswhyhewantsherwithyou.Ifigurethatit’seitherthathethinksthatyou’lltreatherright,orthatheexpectsyoutoscareheroutofbein’amoll.I’mjustnotsurewhichwayyoushouldplayit.”

Thiswasnotturningouttobeagoodnightforme.Infact,ithadgonesteadily

downhillsinceIwonthatlasthandofdragonpoker.

“Guido,”Isaid.“Pleasedon’tsayanythingmore.Okay?Please?EverytimeIthinkthatthingsmightnotbesobad,youdragoutsomethingelsethatmakesthemworse.”

“Justtryin’todomyjob,”heshrugged,obviouslyhurt,“butifthat’swhatyouwant...well,you’retheBoss.”

“Andifyousaythatonemoretime,I’mliabletoforgetyou’rebiggerthanmeandpopyouoneinthenose.Understand?Beingthe‘Boss’impliesacertaindegreeofcontrol,andifthere’sonethingIdon’thaverightnow,it’scontrol.”

“Right,B...Skeeve,”mybodyguardgrinned.“Youknow,foraminutethereyousoundedjustlikemyoldB...employer.HeusedtobeatuponNunzioandmewhenhegotmad.Ofcourse,wehadtostandthereandtakeit....”

“Don’tgivemeanyideas,”Isnarled.“Fornow,let’sjustconcentrateonBunny.”

Iturnedmyattentiononcemoretotheproblemathand,whichwastosayBunny.Shewasstillstaringvacantlyaroundtheroom,jawsworkingmethodicallyonwhateveritwasshewaschewing,andapparentlyoblivioustowhateveritwasNunziowastryingtotellher.

“Well,uh...Bunny,”Isaid,“itlookslikeyou’regoingtobestayingwithusforawhile.”

ShereactedtomywordsasifIhadhither“on”switch.

“Eeoooh!”shesquealed,asifIhadjusttoldherthatshehadwonabeautypageant.“Oh,IknowI’mjustgoin’toloveworkin’underyou,Skeevie.”

Mystomachdidaslowrolltotheleft.

“ShallIgetherthings,Boss?”Nunziosaid.“She’sgotaboutamountainandahalfofluggageoutside.”

“Oh,youcanleaveallthat,”Bunnycooed.“IjustknowmySkeevieisgoingtowanttobuymeawholenewwardrobe.”

“Holdit!Timeout!”Iordered.“HouserulestimeBunny,somethingsaregoingtodisappearfromyourvocabularyrightnow.First,forget‘Skeevie.’It’sSkeeve...justSkeeve,orifyoumust,theGreatSkeeveinfrontofcompany.NotSkeevie.”

“Gotcha,”shewinked.

“Next,youdonotworkunderme.You’re...you’remypersonalsecretary.Gotit?”

“Whysure,sugar.That’swhatI’malwayscalled.”Againwiththewink.

“Nowthen,Nunzio.Iwantyoutogetherluggageandmoveitinto...Idon’tknow,thepinkbedroom.”

“YouwantIshouldgivehimahand,Boss?”Guidoasked.

“Youstayput.”Ismiled,baringallmyteeth.“I’vegotaspecialjobforyou.”

“Nowjustadarnminute!”Bunnyinterrupted,hercutie-pieaccentnoticeablylacking.“What’sthiswiththe‘pinkbedroom’?Somehowyoudon’tstrikemeasthekindthatsleepsinapinkbedroom.Aren’tImovingintoyourbedroom?”

“I’msleepinginmybedroom,”Isaid.“Nowisn’titeasierforyoutomoveintooneofoursparesthanformetorelocatejustsoyoucanmoveintomine?”

AsIsaid,ithadbeenalongnight,andIwasmorethanalittleslow.Luckyforme,Bunnywasfastenoughforbothofus.

“Ithoughtwewasgoin’tobesharin’aroom,Mr.Skeeve.That’sthewholeideaofmybein’here,yaknow?What’swrong?YathinkIgotbadbreathorsumpin’?”

“Aahh...ummm...”Isaidintelligently.

“Hi,Guido...Nunzio.Who’s...ohwow!”

Thatlastwittylinedidn’tcomefromme.MasshahadjustenteredtheroomwithMarkieintowandlurchedtoahaltatthesightofBunny.

“Hey.Boss!What’swiththekid?”

“Guido,Nunzio,thisisMarkie...ourotherhouseguest.Massha,Markie,thisisBunny.She’sgoingtobestayingwithusforawhile...inthepinkbedroom.”

“NowIgetit!”Bunnyexclaimed.“Youwantweshouldplayitcoolbecauseofthekid!Well,youcancountonme.DiscretionisBunny’smiddlename.Thepinkbedroomitis!”

Icouldcheerfullyhavethrottledher.IfhermeaningwaslostonMarkie,itcertainlyhadn’tgottenpastMassha,whowasstaringoutatmefromunderraisedeyebrows.

“Whatever!”Isaidratherthantakemoredrasticaction.“Now,Nunzio,yougetBunnysetupinthepinkbedroom.Massha,IwantyoutogetMarkiesettledinthebluebedroomnexttomine...andknockitoffwiththeeyebrows.I’llexplaineverythinginthemorning.”

“ThatIwanttohear,”shesnorted.“C’mon,kid.”

“I’mnottired!”Markieprotested.

“Tough!”Icountered.“Iam.”

“Oh,”shesaidmeeklyandfollowedMassha.

Whateverkindofacrumbherfathermightbe,somewherealongthelineshehadlearnedwhenadultscouldbearguedwithandwhenitwasbesttogowiththeflow.

“Whatdoyouwantmetodo.Boss?”Guidoaskedeagerly.

Ifavoredhimwithmyevilestgrin.

“RememberthatspecialassignmentIsaidIhadforyou?”

“Yea,Boss?”

“I’llwarnyou,it’sdangerous.”

Thatappealedtohisprofessionalpride,andhepuffedouthischest.“The

tougherthebetter.Youknowme!”

“Fine,”Isaid.“AllyouhavetodoisgoupstairsandexplainBunnytoAahz.Itseemsmypartnerisn’ttalkingtomejustnow.”

ChapterFive:“Suchstuffdreamsaremadeof.”

-S.BEAUTY

LUANNAwaswithme.Icouldn’trememberwhenshearrivedorhowlongshehadbeenhere,butIdidn’tcare.

Ihadn’tseenhersincewegotbackfromthejailbreakonLimbo,andIhadmissedherterribly.Shehadleftmetostaywithherpartner.Matt,andalittlepieceofmewentwithher.Iwon’tbesocornballastosayitwasmyheart,butitwasinthatgeneralvicinity.TherewassomuchIwantedtotellher...wantedtoaskher,butitdidn’treallyseemnecessary.Wejustlaysidebysideonagrassyhillwatchingtheclouds,enjoyingeachother’scompanyinsilence.Icouldhavestayedlikethatforever,butsheraisedherselfononeelbowandspokesoftlytome.

“Ifyou’lljustskootchoveralittle,Skeevie,wecanbothgetcomfy.”

Thiswassomehowjarringtomyserenity.Shedidn’tsoundlikeLuannaatall.Luanna’svoicewasmusicalandexciting.Shesoundedlike...

“BUNNY!”

Iwassuddenlysittingboltupright,notonagrassyknoll,butinmyownbed.

“Ssshh!You’llwakeupthekid!”

Shewasperchedontheedgeofmybedwearingsomethingfilmythatwasevenmorerevealingthantheskintightoutfitshehadhadonlastnight.

“Whatareyoudoinginmyroom!?”

IhaddistinctmemoriesofstackingseveralpiecesoffurnitureinfrontofthedoorbeforeIretired,andaquickglanceconfirmedthattheywerestillinplace.

“Throughthesecretpassageway,”shesaidwithoneofherwinks.“Nunzioshowedittomelastnight.”

“Oh,hedid,didhe?”Isnarled.“Remindmetoexpressmythankstohimforthatlittleservice.”

“Saveyourthanks,sugar.You’regoin’toneedthemwhenIgetdonewithyou.”

Withthatsheraisedthecoversandslidinnexttome.

Islidouttheothersideofthebedasifaspiderhadjustjoinedme.NotthatI’mafraidofspiders,mindyou,butBunnyscaresmestiff.

“Nowwhat’swrong?”shewhined.

“Um...ah...look.Bunny.Canwetalkforaminute?”

“Sure,”shesaid,sittingupinbedandbendingforwardtorestherelbowsonherknees.“Anythingyousay.”

Unfortunately,hercurrentpositionalsogavemeanunrestrictedviewofhercleavage.IpromptlyforgotwhatIwasgoingtosay.

“Aaah...I...urn...”

Therewasaknockatthedoor.

“Comein!”Isaid,gratefulfortheinterruption.

ThatisbeyondadoubtthedumbestthingIhaveeversaid.

Thedooropened,sweepingthestackedfurniturebackwithamazingease,andChumleywalkedin.

“Isay,Skeeve,Aahzhasjustbeentellingmethemostremarkable...Hal-lo?”

ImentionedbeforethatChumleyisatroll.WhatIdidn’tsaywasthathecouldblush...probablybecauseIdidn’tknowitmyselfuntiljustnow.OfallthesightsI’veseeninseveraldimensions,ablushingtrollisinacategoryallitsown.

“YoumustbeChumley!”Bunnychirped.“Theboystoldmeaboutyou.”

“Umm...quiteright.Pleasedtomakeyouracquaintanceandallthat,”thetrollsaid,tryingtoaverthiseyeswhilestillmakingpoliteconversation.

“Yeah.Sure,Chum.Don’tyouhavesomethin’elsetodo...likeleavin’?”

Iclutchedathisarmindesperation.

“No!Imean...Chumleyalwayscomesbyfirstthinginthemorning.”

“Ahh...Yes.JustwantedtoseeifSkeevewasreadyforaspotofbreakfast.”

“Well,Igotherefirst,”Bunnybristled.“IfSkeeviewantssomethingtonibbleon,hecan...”

“Goodmorning.Daddy!”

Markiecameboundingintotheroomandgavemeahugbeforeanyofusknewshewasaround.

“Well,well.YoumustbeSkeeve’snewward,Markie,”thetrollbeamed,obviouslythankfultohavesomethingtofocusonotherthanBunny.

“Andyou’reChumley.Hi,Bunny!”

“Hiya,kid,”Bunnyrespondedwithanoticeablelackofenthusiasmasshepulledthecoversuparoundherneck.

“Areyouup,Skeeve?”

ThevoicewaftinginfromthecorridorwasimmediatelyidentifiableasTananda.

ChumleyandIhadrarelyworkedtogetherasateam,butthistimenoplanningorcoordinationwasnecessary.IscoopedMarkieupandcarriedherintothehallwhileChumleyfollowed,slammingthedoorbehindhimwithenoughforcetocrackthewood.

“Pippip,littlesister.Fineday,isn’tit?”

“Hi,Tananda!What’snew?”

Ourcordialgreetings,intendedtodisarmthesituation,succeededonlyin

stoppingourcolleagueinhertracks.

Tanandaisquiteattractive-ifcurvaceous,oliveskinned,green-hairedwomenareyourtype.Ofcourse,shelooksalotbetterwhensheisn’tpursingherlipsandnarrowinghereyessuspiciously.

“Well,foropeners,I’dsaythelittlegirlunderyourarmisnew,”shesaidfirmly.“Imaynotbethemostobservantperson,butI’msureIwouldhavenoticedherifshehadbeenaroundbefore.”

“Oh.Well,thereareafewthingsI’vegottodebriefyouon,”Ismiledweakly.“Thisisoneofthem.HernameisMarkie,and...”

“Later,Skeeve.RightnowI’mmorecuriousaboutwhatmybigbrother’supto.How‘boutit,Chumley?I’veseenyouslamdoorsonthewayintobedroomsbefore,butneveronthewayout.”

“Ummm...thatis...”thetrollmumbledawkwardly,“Actually,”Iassisted,“It’smorelike...yousee...”

“ExactlywhatIhadinmind,”Tanandadeclared,slippingpastusandflingingthebedroomdooropen.

Myroomwasmercifullyemptyofoccupants.ApparentlyBunnyhadretreatedthroughwhateversecretpanelshehademergedfrom.ChumleyandIexchangedunnotedglancesofrelief.

“Idon’tgetit.”Tanandafrowned.“Youtwoactedlikeyouweretryingtohideabody.There’snothingheretobesosecretiveabout.”

“Ithinktheydidn’twantyoutoseethegirlinmydaddy’sbed,”Markiesuppliedbrightly.

IwantedtoexpressmythankstoMarkiebutdecidedthatIhadenoughproblemswithoutaddingmurdertothelist.

“Well,Skeeve?”Tanandasaid,hereyebrowsalmostreachingherhairline.

“Ummm...actually,I’mnotreallyherdaddy.That’soneofthethingsIwantedtodebriefyouabout.”

“Imeantaboutthegirlinyourroom!”

“That’stheotherthingIwantedto...”

“Cuthimsomeslack!Huh,Tananda?It’suncivilizedtobeatuponsomeonebeforebreakfast.”

ThatwasAahz,whoforoncehadapproachedourgatheringwithoutbeingseen...orheard.He’susuallynotbigonquietentrances.

Forthatmatter,Ihadneverknownhimtobeatallreluctantaboutbeatinguponsomeone-say,forexample,me-beforebreakfast.Still,Iwasgratefulforhisintervention.

“Hi,Aahz.Wewerejust...”

“Doyouknowwhatyourpartnerisdoing!?”Tanandasaidinavoicethatcouldfreezewine.“Heseemstobeturningourhomeintoacombinationdaycarecenterand...”

“Iknowallaboutit,”Aahzinterrupted,“andsowillyouifyou’lljustcooldown.We’llexplaineverythingoverbreakfast.”

“Well...”

“Besides,”Markiepipedup,“It’snotyourhome.It’smydaddy’s.Hejustletsyoulivehere.Hecandoanythinghewantsinhishouse!”

Ireleasedmyholdonher,hopingtodumpheronherhead.Insteadshetwistedinmidairandlandedonherfeetlikeacat,allthewhilesneeringsmugly.

Tanandahadstiffenedasifsomeonehadjabbedherwithapin.

“Isupposeyou’reright,Markie,”shesaidthroughtightlips.“Ifthe‘GreatSkeeve’wantstorompwithsomebitoffluff,it’snoneofmybusiness.AndifIdon’tlikeit,Ishouldjustgoelsewhere.”

Shespunonherheelandstartedoffdownthehall.

“Whataboutbreakfast?”Aahzcalledafterher.

“I’llbeeatingout...permanently!”

Wewatchedherdepartureinhelplesssilence.

“I’dbettergoafterher,”Chumleysaidatlast.“Inthemoodshe’sin,shemighthurtsomeone.”

“CouldyoutakeMarkiewithyou?”Aahzrequested,stillstaringafterTananda.

“Areyoukidding?”thetrollgaped.

“Well,atleastdropheroffinthekitchen.I’vegottohaveafewwordswithSkeeveinprivate.”

“Iwanttostayhere!”Markieprotested.

“Go,”Isaidquietly.

Theremusthavebeensomethinginmyvoice,becausebothMarkieandChumleyheadedoffwithoutfurtherargument.

“Partner,you’vegotaproblem.”

“Don’tIknowit.IftherewasanywayIcouldshipherbacktoDonBruce,I’ddoitinaminute,but...”

“I’mnottalkingaboutBunny!”

Thatstoppedme.

“Youaren’t?”

“No.Markie’stheproblem,notBunny.”

“Markie?Butshe’sjustalittlegirl.”

Aahzheavedasmallsignandputonehandonmyshoulder...gently,forachange.

“Skeeve,I’vegivenyoualotofadviceinthepast,someofitbetterthanothers.Forthemostpart,you’vedoneprettywellatwingingitinunfamiliarsituations,

butthistimeyou’reinoveryourhead.Believeme,youdon’thavethevaguestideaofthekindofhavocakidcancauseinyourlife...especiallyalittlegirl.”

Ididn’tknowwhattosay.Mypartnerwasobviouslysincereinhisconcern,andforachangeexpressingitinaverycalm,low-keymanner.Still,Icouldn’tgoalongwithwhathewassaying.

“C’mon,Aahz.Howmuchtroublecanshebe?ThisthingwithTanandahappenedbecauseofBunny...”

“...afterMarkiestartedmouthingoffatthewrongtime.IalreadyhadTanandacoolingoffwhenMarkieputhertwocentsin.”

ItalsooccurredtomethatMarkiewastheonewhohadspilledthebeanstoTanandainthefirstplace.Ishovedthatthoughttothebackofmymind.

“Soshedoesn’thaveenoughsensetokeephermouthshut.She’sjustakid.Wecan’texpectherto...”

“That’smypoint.Thinkaboutouroperationforaminute,partner.Howmanytimesinonedaycanthingsgosourifsomeonesaysthewrongthingattherightmoment?It’stakenusayeartogetGuidoandNunzioonboard...andthey’readults.Bringingakidintotheplaceislikewavingatorcharoundafireworksfactory.”

AsmuchasIappreciatedhiseffortstoexplainaproblemtome,IwasstartingtowearyabitofAahz’ssingle-mindedpursuitofhispoint.

“Okay.SoIhaven’thadmuchexperiencearoundkids.Imaybeunderestimatingthesituation,butaren’tyoubeingabitofanalarmist?Whatexperienceareyoubasingyourworrieson?”

“Areyoukidding?”mypartnersaid,laughingforthefirsttimeinourconversation.“Anyonewho’sbeenaroundasmanycenturiesasIhavehashadmorethantheirshareofexperiencewithkids.YoumetmynephewRupert?Youthinkhewasbornanadult?Andhe’sonlyoneofmorenieces,nephews,andgrandchildrenthanIcancountwithoutbeingreducedtoanervouswreckbythememories.”

AndIthoughIcouldn’tbesurprisedbyAahzanymore.

“Really?Grandchildren?Ineverevenknewyouhadkids.”

“Idon’tliketotalkaboutit.Thatinitselfshouldbeaclue.WhensomeonewholikestotalkasmuchasIdototallyavoidsasubject,thememorieshavegottobelessthanpleasant!”

Iwasstartingtogetabitworried.RealizingthatAahzusuallytendstominimizedanger,hiswarningswerestartingtosetmyoveractiveimaginationingear.

“Ihearwhatyou’resaying,Aahz.Butwe’reonlytalkingaboutonekidhere.Howmuchtroublecanonelittlegirlbe?”

Mypartner’sfacesuddenlysplitintooneofhisinfamousevilgrins.“Rememberthatquote,”hesaid.“I’mgoingtobetossingitbackatyoufromtimetotime.”

“But...”

“Hey,Boss!There’ssomeoneheretoseeyou!”

JustwhatIneeded!IhadalreadyprettymuchresolvednottotakeonanymoreclientsuntilafterMarkie’sfatherhadreclaimedher.Ofcourse,Ididn’twanttosaythatinfrontofAahz,especiallyconsideringourcurrentconversation.

“I’minthemiddleofaconference,Guido!”Icalled.“Tellthemtocomebacklater.”

“Suityourself,Boss!”camethereply.“Ijustthoughtyou’dwanttoknow,seein’ashowit’sLuanna...”

Iwasofflikeashot,notevenbotheringtoexcusemyself.Aahzwouldunderstand.HeknewI’dhadathingforLuannasinceourexpeditionintoLimbo.

Onmywaytothewaitingroom,Ihadtimetospeculateastowhetherornotthiswasoneofmybodyguard’slittlepranks.Idecidedthatifitwas,IwouldstudyharduntilIknewenoughmagictoturnhimintoatoad.

Mysuspicionsweregroundless.Shewasthere.Mybeautifulblondgoddess.Whatreallymademyheartleap,though,wasthatshehadherluggagewithher.

“Hi,Luanna.Whatareyoudoinghere?Where’sMatt?Howhavethingsbeen?Wouldyoulikesomethingtodrink?CouldI...”

IsuddenlyrealizedthatIwasbabblingandforcedmyselftopause.

“Aahh...whatI’mtryingtosayisthatit’sgoodtoseeyou.”

Thatgotmetheslowsmilethathadhauntedmydreams.“I’mglad,Skeeve.Iwasafraidyou’dforgottenaboutme.”

“Notachance,”Isaid,thenrealizedIwasleering.“Thatis,no,Ihaven’tforgottenaboutyou.”

Herdeepblueeyeslockedwithmine,andIfeltmyselfsinkinghelplesslyintotheirdepths.

“That’sgood,”shesaidinthatmusicalvoiceofhers.“Iwasworriedabouttakingyouuponyourofferafterallthistime.”

Thatgotthroughthefogthatwasthreateningtoenvelopmymind.“Offer?Whatoffer?”

“Oh,youdon’tremember!Ithought...oh,thisisembarrassing.”

“Waitaminute!”Icried.“Ihaven’tforgotten!It’sjustthat...letmethink...it’sjust...”

Likeabeamofsunlightinaswampthememorycametome.“YoumeanwhenIsaidthatyoucouldcometoworkforAahzandme?That’sit?Right?”

“That’swhatIwastalkingabout!”Thesuncamefrombehindthecloudsasshesmiledagain.“Yousee,MattandIhavesplit,andIthought...”

“Doyouwantanybreakfast.Daddy?Yousaid...oh!Hello.”

“DADDY!!??”

MarkieandLuannastaredateachother.

Irevisedmyplansrapidly.Iwouldstudyhardandturnmyselfintoatoad.

“Icanexplain,Luanna...”Ibegan.

“Ithinkyoushouldkeepthisone,Daddy,”Markiesaid,nevertakinghereyesoffLuanna.“She’salotprettierthantheotherone.”

“THEOTHER...Oh!YoumeanTananda.”

“No,Imean...”

“MARKIE!”Iinterrupteddesperately.“Whydon’tyouwaitformeinthekitchen.I’llbealonginaminuteafterIfinishtalkingto...”

“Skeevie,arewegoingtogoshopping?”Bunnyslitheredintotheroom.“Ineed...who’sthat!?”

“Me?I’mnobody.”Luannarespondedgrimly.“IneverrealizeduntiljustnowhowmuchofanobodyIam!”

“Well,thejob’salreadytaken,ifthat’swhatyou’reherefor,”Bunnysmirked.

“Waitaminute!It’sadifferentjob!Really!Luanna,luanna...Luanna??”

Sometimeduringmyhysteria,theloveofmylifehadgatheredupherbagsandleft.Iwastalkingtoemptyair.

“Gee,Skeevie.What’reyoutalkin’toherforwhenyougotme?Aren’tI...”

“Daddy.CanI...”

“SHUTUP!BOTHOFYOU!Letmethink!”

TryasImight,theonlythoughtthatkeptcomingtomewasthatmaybeAahzwasright.MaybekidsweremoretroublethanIthought.

ChapterSix:“Bringthewholefamily...butleavethekidsathome!”

-R.McDONALD

“REALLY,HotStuff.Doyouthinkthisissuchagreatidea?”

“Massha,please!I’mtryingtothinkthingsout.Icouldn’tgetmythoughtstogetherbackatChaosCentralwithAahznatteringatme,andIwon’tbeabletodoitnowifyoustartup.Now,areyougoingtohelpornot?”

Myapprenticeshruggedhermassiveshoulders.

“Okay.Whatdoyouwantmetodo?”

“Justkeepaneyeonthosetwoandseethattheydon’tgetintoanytroublewhileIthink.”

“Keepthemoutoftrouble?AttheBazaaratDeva?Aren’tGuidoandNunziosupposedto...”

“Massha!”

“Allright.Allright.Iwantitnoted,though,thatI’mtakingthisassignmentunderprotest.”

I’msureIdidn’tgiveAahzthismuchbacktalkwhenIwasapprenticedtohim.EverytimeIsaythatoutloud,however,mypartnerburstsintosuchgalesoflaughterthatnowItendtokeepthethoughttomyself,evenwhenheisn’taround.

Aftersomeresistance,IhadagreedtotakeBunnyandMarkieonastrollthroughtheBazaar.AsIsaidtoMassha,thiswasmoretogetabitoftimeawayfromAahzthanitwasgivingintoBunny’swhining,thoughthatvoicewasnoteasytoignore.

InacknowledgementofAahz’srepeatedwarningsoftrouble,IhadrecruitedmyapprenticetoaccompanyussoI’dhaveabackupifthingswentawry.GuidoandNunziowerealong,ofcourse,buttheyweremoreconcernedwiththingscomingatmethanwithanythinganyoneinourpartymightdototheimmediateenvironment.

Allinall,wemadequiteaprocession.TwoMobbodyguards,awoman-mountaindisguisedasajewelrydisplay,amoll,akid,andme!Forachange,Iwasn’tthe“kid”oftheparty.Therewassomethingtobesaidforhavinganhonest-to-goodnesschildtravelingwithyou.Itautomaticallymadeonelookolderandsomehowmoreresponsible.

WehadbeeninresidenceattheBazaarforsometimenow,andtheneighborhoodmerchantswereprettymuchusedtous.Thatis,theyknewthatifIwasinterested,I’dcometothem.IfIwasn’t,noamountofwheedlingorcajolingwouldtemptmeintobuying.Thatmightseemalittlestrangetoyou,afterallmyglowingaccountsofthewondersforsaleattheBazaar,butIhadfallenintothepatternquitenaturally.Yousee,ifyoujustvisittheBazaaronceinawhile,it’sallquiteimpressive,andyoufeelcompelledtobuyjusttokeepfromlosingoutonsomereallyniftybargains.Ifyoulivethere,ontheotherhand,there’snorealcompulsiontobuyanythingrightnow.Imean,ifIneedaplantthatgrowstenfeetinaminute,I’llbuyit...whenIneedit.

Untilthen,theplantcanstayinitsshopthreedoorsfromourtent,andmymoneycanstayinmypocket.

That’showthingswere,normally.Ofcourse,mysituationtodaywasanythingbutnormal.Ihadknownthisallalong,ofcourse,butIhadn’treallystoppedtothinkthroughalltheramificationsofmycurrentstateofaffairs.

Okay.SoIwasdumb.Remember,Iwastakingthisstrolltotrytogetachancetothink.Remember?

MaybeIhadn’tzeroedinonwhatmypartylookedlike,buttheDeveelsspottedthedifferencebeforewehadgonehalfablock.

SuddenlyeveryDeveelwhohadn’tbeenabletofoistoffsometrinketonmeforthelasttwoyearswasouttogiveitonemoretry.

“Lovepotions!Resultsguaranteed!”

“Snakenecklaces!Poisonousandnon!”

“SpecialdiscountsfortheGreatSkeeve!”

“SpecialdiscountsforanyfriendoftheGreatSkeeve!”

“Tryour...

“Buymy...”

“Tastethese...”

Mostofthiswasnotaimedatme,butatBunnyandMarkie.TheDeveelsswarmedaroundthemlike...well,likeDeveelssmellinganeasyprofit.ThisisnottosaythatGuidoandNunzioweren’tdoingtheirjobs.Iftheyhadn’tbeenclearingapathforus,wewouldn’thavebeenabletomoveatall.Asitwas,ourprogresswassimplyslowedtoacrawl.

“Stillthinkthiswasagoodidea,HighRoller?”

“Massha!Ifyou...”

“Justasking.Ifyoucanthinkinthisracket,though,you’vegotbetterconcentrationthanIdo.”

Shewasright,butIwasn’tabouttoadmitit.Ijustkeptstaringforwardaswewalked,trackingtheactivityaroundmeoutofthecornersofmyeyeswithoutturningmyhead.

“Skeevie.’CanIhave...”

“No.”

“Lookat...”

“No.”

“Couldn’twe...”

“No!”

Bunnywasgettingtobeapain.Sheseemedtowanteverythinginsight.Fortunately,Ihaddevelopedtheperfectdefense.AllIhadtodowassay“No!”toeverything.

“Whydidwegoshoppingifwearen’tgoingtobuyanything?”

“Well...”

Somuchformyperfectdefense.Nottobestymied,IswitchedimmediatelytoPlanB,whichwassimplytokeepourpurchasesataminimum.Ididn’tseemtobetoosuccessfulatthat,either,butIconsoledmyselfbytryingtoimaginehowmuchjunkwewouldhavegottenloadeddownwithifIhadn’tbeenridingthebrake.

Surprisinglyenough,despiteallofAahz’sdirepredictions,Markiewasn’tmuchtroubleatall.Ifoundhertoberemarkablywellmanneredandobedient,andsheneveraskedmetobuyheranything.Instead,shecontentedherselfwithpointingouttoBunnythefewboothsthatindividualoverlooked.

Thereweren’tmany.

MyonlysalvationwasthatBunnydidnotseeminterestedintheusualcollectionofwhiz-bangsandwowersthatmostvisitorstotheBazaarfindirresistible.

Shewasremarkablyloyaltoherprimepassion-apparel.Hats,dresses,shoes,andaccessoriesallhadtopassherclosescrutiny.

I’lladmitthatBunnydidnotindulgeinrandompurchases.Shehadashrewdeyeforfabricandconstruction,andbettercolorsensethananyoneIhaveeverknown.AahzalwayssaidthatImpswereflashydressers,andIhadsecretlytriedtopatternmyownwardrobeaftertheirexample.However,oneafternoonofshoppingwithBunnywasaneducationinitself.Impshavenothingonmollswhenitcomestoclothessense.

ThemoreIwatchedBunnypursuethefashionsavailableattheBazaar,themoreself-consciousIbecameaboutmyownappearance.Eventually,Ifoundmyselflookingoverafewitemsformyself,andfromthereitwasashortsteptobuying.

Innotimeflat,wehadasmallmountainofpackagestocartalongwithus.Bunnyhadstockeduponacoupleofoutfitsthatchangedcolorwithhermood,

andwasnowwearinganintriguingblousewhichhadatransparentpatchthatmigratedrandomlyaroundhertorso.Ifthelattersoundsdistracting,itwas.Myownindulgenceswerefew,butsufficienttoaddtotheoverallbulkofmerchandisewehadtotransport.

GuidoandNunziowereexemptfrompackage-carryingduties,andMasshaflatlyrefusedonthebasisthatbeingalargewomantryingtomaneuverthroughtheBazaarwasdifficultenoughwithouttryingtojugglepackagesatthesametime.Realizingthe“youbreakit,youboughtit”policiesoftheBazaar,Icouldscarcelyarguewithhercautiousposition.

Thefinalresolutiontoourbaggageproblemwasreallyquitesimple.Iflexedmymagicpowersabitandlevitatedthewholekitandkaboodle.Idon’tnormallyliketoflauntmypowerspublicly,butIfiguredthatthiswasanecessaryexceptiontotherule.Ofcourse,havingourpurchasesfloatingalongbehinduswaslikehavingalighthouseintow;itdrewtheDeveelsoutoftheirstallsindroves.

Tomysurprise,Istartedtoenjoythesituation.Humilityandanonymityiswellandgood,butsometimesitsnicetobemadeafussover.Bunnyhungonmyarmandshoulderlikeabonelessfalcon,cooinglittleendearmentsofappreciation...thoughthefactthatIwaswillingtofinanceherpurchasesseemedtobemakingasmuchasormoreofanimpressiononherthanmyminordisplayofmagic.

“Can’tsayIthinkmuchofhertasteinclothes,”

MasshamurmuredtomeaswepausedoncemorewhileBunnydartedintoanearbybooth.

Tosaytheleast,IwasnoteagertogetdrawnintoadiscussioncomparingtherespectivetastesinclothesofBunnyandmyapprentice.

“Differentbodytypeslookbetterindifferentstyles,”Isaid,astactfullyasIcould.

“Yeah?Andwhatstylelooksbestonmybodytype?”

“Inallhonesty,Massha,Ican’tpictureyoudressinganydifferentlythanyoudo.”

“Really?Say,thanks,Skeeve.Agirlalwayslikestohearafewappreciativenoisesabouthowshelooks.”

Ihadnarrowlysidesteppedthatbooby-trapandcastaboutfranticallyforanewsubjectbeforetheotherinterpretationofmystatementoccurredtoher.

“Umm...hasn’tMarkiebeenwell-behaved?”

“I’llsay.I’lladmitIwasalittleworriedwhenyoufirstbroughtherin,butshe’sbeenanangel.Idon’tthinkI’veeverknownakidthispatientandobedient.”

“Undemanding,too,”Isaid.“I’vebeenthinkingofgettinghersomethingwhilewe’reout,butI’mhavingtroublecomingupwithanythingappropriate.TheBazaarisn’tbigontoyshops.”

“Areyoukidding?It’sonebigtoyshop!”

“Massha...”

“Okay,okay.Sothey’remostlytoysforadults.Letmethink.Howoldisshe,anyway?”

“I’mnotreallysure.ShesaidshewasinthethirdgradeatElementarySchool...eventhoughshecallsitElementalSchool...sothatwouldmakeher...”

IrealizedthatMasshawasstaringatmeinwide-eyedhorror.

“ElementalSchool!?”

“That’swhatshecalledit.Cute,huh?Why,whatdoes...”

Myapprenticeinterruptedmebygrabbingmyarmsohardthatithurt.“Skeeve.We’vegottogetherbackhome...QUICK!!”

“ButIdon’tsee...”

“I’llexplainlater!Justgetherandgo!I’llroundupBunnyandgetherback,butyou’vegottogetmoving!”

Tosaytheleast,Ifoundhermannerpuzzling.IhadneverseenMasshasoupset.Thiswasobviouslynotthetimeforquestions,though,soIlookedaroundfor

Markie.Shewasstanding,fistsclenched,glaringatatentwithaclosedflap.

Allofasuddeneveryonewasgettinguptight.FirstMassha,andnowMarkie.

“What’swiththekid?”Isaid,tappingGuideontheshoulder.

“Bunny’sintryingonsomepeek-a-boonighties,andtheownerchasedMarkieout,”mybodyguardexplained.“Shedon’tlikeitmuch,butshe’llgetoverit.It’spartofbein’akid,Iguess.”

“Isee.Well,Iwasjustgoingtotakeherbackhomeanyway.Couldoneofyoustayherewith...”

“SKEEVE!STOPHER!!”

Masshawasshoutingatme.Iwasturningtowardhertoseewhatshewastalkingaboutwhenithappened,soIdidn’tseeallthedetails.

TherewasasuddenWHOOSHfollowedbythesoundsofrippingcanvas,woodsplintering,andassortedscreamsandcurses.

Iwhippedmyheadbackaround,andmyjawdroppedinastonishment.

ThebooththatBunnywasinwasintatters.TheentirestockoftheplacewassailingoffovertheBazaar,aswaswhatwasleftofthetent.Bunnywastryingtocoverherselfwithherhandsandscreamingherheadoff.Theproprietor,aparticularlygreasy-lookingDeveel,wasalsoscreaminghisheadoff,buthisemotionswerebeingventedinourgeneraldirectioninsteadofattheworldingeneral.

Iwouldsayitwasamajordilemmaexceptforonething.ThedisplaysoneithersideofBunny’stentandfortworowsbehinditwereinasimilarstate.Thatisamajordilemma,makingthedestructionofasingleboothpaleincomparison.

Avoicesprangintomyhead,drowningouttheclamoroftheenragedmerchants.“Ifyoubreakit,youboughtit!”thevoicesaid,anditspokewithaDevanaccent.

“Whathappened?”Igasped,thoughwhethertomyselfortothegods,Iwasn’tsure.

Masshaanswered.

“WhathappenedwasMarkie!”shesaidgrimly.“Sheblewhercorkandsummonedupanairelemental...youknow,likeyoulearntodoatElementalSchool?Itappearsthatwhenthekidthrowsatantrum,she’sgoingtodoitwithmagic!”

Mymindgraspedthemeaningofherwordsinstantly,justasfastasitleapedontothenextplateau.Aahz!Iwasn’tsurewhichwasgoingtobeworse:breakingthenewstoAahz,ortellinghimhowmuchithadcostustolearnaboutit!

ChapterSeven:“There’satimetofight,andatimetohideout!”

-B.CASSIDY

I’VEheardthatwhensomepeoplegetdepressed,theyretiretotheirneighborhoodbarandtelltheirtroublestoasympatheticbartender.TheproblemwiththeBazaaratDeva(aproblemIhadnevernoticedbefore)isthattherearenosympatheticbartenders!

Consequently,IhadtosettleforthenextbestthingandholedupintheYellowCrescentInn.

Now,afast-foodjointmayseemtoyoutobeapoorsubstituteforabar.Itis.Thisparticularfast-foodjoint,however,isownedandmanagedbymyonlyfriendattheBazaarwhoisn’tlivingwithme.Thislastpartwasespeciallyimportantatthemoment,sinceIdidn’tthinkIwasapttogetmuchsympathyinmyownhome.

Gusisagargoyle,butdespitehisfierceappearancehe’soneofthefriendliestbeingsI’veevermet.He’shelpedAahzandmeoutonsomeofourmoredubiousassignments,sohe’slessinclinedtoask“Howdidyougetyourselfintothis?”thanmost.Usually,he’smoreinterestedin“Howdidyougetoutofit?”

“Howdidyougetyourselfintothisone?”hesaid,shakinghishead.

Well,nobody’sperfect...especiallyfriends.

“Itoldyou,Gus.OnelousycardgamewhereIexpectedtolose.IfIhadknownitwasgoingtobackfirelikethis,sohelpmeIwouldhavefoldedeveryhand!”

“Yousee,there’syourproblem,”thegargoylesaid,flashingagrintoothierthannormal.“Insteadofsittinginandlosing,you’dbebetteroffnotsittinginatall!”

Irewardedhissoundadvicebyrollingmyeyes.

“It’sallhypotheticalanyway.What’sdoneisdone.Thequestionis,‘WhatdoIdonow’?”

“Notsofast.Let’sstickwiththecardgameforaminute.Whydidyousitinifyouwereexpectingtolose?”

“Look.Canwedropthecardgame?Iwaswrong.Okay?Isthatwhatyouwanttohear?”

“No-o-o,”Gussaidslowly.“Istillwanttohearwhyyouwentinthefirstplace.Humorme.”

Istaredathimforamoment,butheseemedperfectlyserious.

Ishrugged.“TheGeeksentmeaninvitation.Frankly,itwasquiteflatteringtogetone.Ijustthoughtitwouldbesociableto...”

“Stop!”thegargoyleinterrupted,raisinghishand.“There’syourproblem.”

“Whatis?”

“Tryingtobesociable.What’sthematter?Aren’tyourcurrentroundoffriendsgoodenoughforyou?”

Thatmademealittlebitnervous.IwashavingenoughproblemswithouthavingGusgethisnoseoutofjoint.

“Itisn’tthat,Gus.Really.Thewholecrew-yourselfincluded-isclosertomethanmyfamilyeverwas.It’sjust...Idon’tknow...”

“...youwanttobeliked.Right?”

“Yeah.Iguessthat’sit.”

“Andthat’syourproblem!”

Thatonethrewme.“Idon’tgetit,”Iadmitted.

Thegargoylesighed,thenduckedbehindthecounter.“Haveanothermilkshake,”hesaid,shovingonetowardme.“Thismighttakeawhile,butI’lltrytoexplain.”

Iliketothinkit’sasignofmygrowingsavoir-fairethatInowenjoystrawberrymilkshakes.WhenIfirstvisitedtheBazaar,Irejectedthemoutofhandbecausetheylookedlikepinkswampmuck.Iwasnowmoderatelyaddictedtothem,thoughIstillwouldn’teatthefoodhere.Thenagain,maybeitwasasignofsomethingelsecompletelyifIthoughtatasteforstrawberrymilkshakeswasasignofsavoir-faire!

“Look,Skeeve,”Gusbegan,sippingatamilkshakeofhisown,“you’reaniceguy...oneofthenicestI’veeverknown.Yougooutofyourwayto‘dotherightthing’...tobenicetopeople.Thekeyphrasethereis‘gooutofyourway.’You’reina‘trouble-heavy’professionanyway.Nobodyhiresamagicianbecausethingsaregoingwell.Thenyouaddtothatyourchosenlifestyle.Becauseyouwanttobeliked,youplaceyourselfinsituationsyouwouldn’tgonearifitwasforyourownpersonalsatisfaction.Caseinpoint:thecardgame.Ifyouhadbeenoutforpersonalgain,i.e.,wealth,youwouldn’thavegonenearit,sinceyoudon’tknowthegame.Butyouwantedtobefriendly,soyouwentexpectingtolose.That’snotnormal,anditresultedinanot-normaloutcome,towit,Markie.That’swhyyougetintotrouble.”

IchewedmylipslightlyasIthoughtoverwhathewassaying.

“SoifIwanttostayoutoftrouble,I’vegottostopbeinganiceguy?I’mnotsureIcandothat,Gus.”

“NeitheramI,”thegargoyleagreedcheerfully.

“What’smore,ifyoucould,Idon’tthinkIoranyofyourotherfriendswouldlikeyouanymore.Idon’teventhinkyou’dlikeyourself.”

“ThenwhyareyourecommendingthatIchange?”

“I’mnot!I’mjustpointingoutthatit’sthewayyouare,notanyoutsidecircumstances,thatkeepsgettingyouintotrouble.Inshort,sinceyouaren’tgoingtochange,getusedtobeingintrouble.It’sgoingtobeyourconstantstateforalongwhile.”

Ifoundmyselfmassagingmyforeheadagain.

“Thanks,Gus,”Isaid.“IknewIcouldcountonyoutocheermeup.”

“Don’tknockit.Nowyoucanfocusonsolvingyourcurrentprobleminsteadofwastingtimewonderingwhyitexists.”

“Funny.IthoughtIwasdoingjustthat.Someoneelsewantedtotalkaboutwhatwascausingmyproblems.”

Mysarcasmdidn’tfazethegargoyleintheleast.

“Right,”henodded.“Thatbringsustoyourcurrentproblem.”

“Nowyou’retalking.WhatdoyouthinkIshoulddo,Gus?”

“Beatsme.I’dsayyou’vegotarealdilemmaonyourhands.”

Iclosedmyeyesasmyheadachehammeredanew.“Idon’tknowwhatI’ddowithoutyou,Gus.”

“Hey.Don’tmentionit.Whatarefriendsfor?Whoops!HerecomesTananda!”

TheotherdisadvantagetoholingupattheYellowCrescentInn,besidesthefactthatitisn’tabar,isthatit’slocatedrightacrossthestreetfrommyhome.Thisisnotgoodforsomeonewho’stryingtoavoidhishousemates.

Fortunately,thiswasonesituationIcouldhandlewithrelativeease.

“Don’ttellherI’mhere,Gus,”Iinstructed.

“But...”

Notwaitingtoheartherestofhisprotest,Igrabbedmymilkshake,slippedintoachairatanearbytable,andsettoworkwithafastdisguisespell.BythetimeTananda,hitthedoor,theonlyoneshecouldseeintheplacebesidesGuswasapotbelliedDeveelsippingonastrawberrymilkshake.

“Hi,Gus!”shesang.“HaveyouseenSkeevearound?”

“He...aahh...wasinearlier.”Thegargoylecarefullyavoidedthelie.

“Oh,well.IguessI’lljusthavetoleavewithoutsayinggoodbyetohim.then.Toobad.Weweren’tonparticularlygoodtermsthelasttimeIsawhim.”

“You’releaving?”

Gussaiditbeforethewordsburstoutofmyownmouth,savingmefromblowingmydisguise.

“Yea.Ifigureit’sabouttimeImovedon.”

“I...umm...havebeenhearingsomestrangethingsaboutmyneighbors,butI’veneverbeensurehowmuchtobelieve,”thegargoylesaidthoughtfully.“Thissuddendeparturewouldn’thaveanythingtodowiththenewmollthat’sbeenfoistedoffonSkeeve,wouldit?”

“Bunny?Naw.I’lladmitIwasabitoutofsortswhenIfirstheardaboutit,butChumleyexplainedthewholethingtome.”

“Thenwhat’stheproblem?”

Guswasdoingaterrificjobofbeatingmetomylines.Aslongashekeptitup,I’dbeabletogetallmyquestionsansweredwithoutrevealingmyself.IthadoccurredtometoconfrontTanandadirectlyassoonasIheardwhatshewasupto,butthenIrealizedthatthiswasararechancetohearherthoughtswhenshedidn’tthinkIwasaround.

“Well,it’ssomethingMarkiesaid...”

Markieagain.IdefinitelyowedAahzanapology.

“...Shemadesomecrackaboutherdaddy,that’sSkeeve,lettingmelivethere,anditgotmetothinking.Thingshavebeennicetheselastcoupleyears...almosttoonice.Sincewehaven’thadtoworryaboutoverhead,ChumleyandIhaven’tbeenworkingmuch.Moreimportant,wehaven’tbeenworkingatworking.It’stooeasytohangaroundtheplaceandwaitforsomethingtocometous.”

“Gettingfatandlazy,huh?”Gusgrinned.

“Somethinglikethat.Now,youknowme,Gus.I’vealwaysbeenfootlooseandfancyfree.Readytofollowajoborawhimatthedropofahat.IfanyonehadsuggestedtomethatIshouldsettledown,Iwouldhavepunchedtheirlightsout.Nowallofasudden,I’vegotapermanentaddressandfamily...familybeyond

Chumley,Imean.Ihadn’trealizedhowdomesticIwasgettinguntilSkeeveshowedupwithMarkie.Akid,even.WhenIfirstsawher,myfirstthoughtwasthatitwouldbenicetohaveakidaroundtheplace!NowIaskyou,Gus,doesthatsoundlikeme?”

“No,itdoesn’t.”

Thegargoyle’svoicewassoquietIscarcelyrecognizeditashis.

“RightthenIsawthehandwritingonthewall.IfIdon’tstartmovingagain,I’mgoingtotakeroot...permanently.Youknow,theworstthingisthatIdon’treallywanttogo.That’sthescariestpartofall.”

“Idon’tthinkAahzorSkeevewantyoutogoeither.”

“Nowdon’tyoustartonme,Gus.Thisishardenoughformeasitis.LikeIsaid,they’refamily,butthey’restiflingme.I’vegottogetaway,evenifit’sonlyforalittlewhile,orI’mgoingtoloseapartofme...forever.”

“Well,ifyou’vemadeupyourmind...goodluck.”

“Thanks,Gus.I’llbeintouchfromtimetotime.Keepaneyeontheboysincasetheybuymoretroublethantheycansell.”

“Idon’tthinkyouhavetoworryaboutChumley.He’sprettylevelheaded.”

“Chumley’snottheoneI’mworriedabout.”

Ithoughtthatwasgoingtobeherpartingshot,butshepausedwithonehandonthedoor.

“Youknow,it’sprobablyjustaswellthatIcouldn’tfindSkeeve.I’mnotsureIcouldhavestucktomygunsinaface-to-face...butthenagain,maybethat’swhyIwaslookingforhim.”

IcouldfeelGus’seyesonmeassheslippedout.“Isupposeit’spointlesstoaskwhyyoudidn’tsaysomething.MisterSkeeve.”

EventhoughIhadworriedearlieraboutgettingGusangrywithme,somehowitdidn’tmatteranymore.

“Atfirstitwascuriosity,”Isaid,lettingmydisguiseslipaway.“Then,Ididn’twanttoembarrassher.”

“Andattheendthere?Whensheflat-outsaidthatyoucouldtalkheroutofgoing?Whydidn’tyouspeakupthen?Doyouwanthertodisappear?”

Icouldn’tevenmanageasparkofanger.“Youknowbetterthanthat,Gus,”Isaidquietly.“You’rehurtingandlashingoutatwhoever’shandy,whichhappenstobeme.Ididn’ttrytogethertostayforthesamereasonyoudidn’ttryharder.Shefeelswe’restiflingher,andifshewantsout,it’dbeprettysmallofustotrytokeepherforourownsakes,wouldn’tit?”

Therewasprolongedsilence,whichwasfinebyme.Ididn’tfeelmuchliketalkinganymore.Rising,Istartedforthedoor.

“Youwerelookingtheotherwaywhensheleft,”thegargoylesaid.“Youmightliketoknowthereweretearsinhereyes.”

“Minetoo,”Irepliedwithoutturning.“That’swhyIwaslookingtheotherway.”

ChapterEight:“WhatdidIdowrong?”

-LEAK,REX

WITHaheavyheart,Iheadedbackhome.IwasnolongerworriedaboutAahzyellingatme.Ifanything,Iwasratherhopinghewould.Ifhedid,IdecidedthatforachangeIwouldn’targueback.Inshort,Ifeltterribleandwasinthemoodtodoalittlepenance.

Slidingthroughthetentflap,IcockedanearandlistenedforAahz.Actually,IwasalittlesurprisedthatIcouldn’thearhimfromthestreet,butIwassureIwouldbeabletolocatehispositioninthehousewithnodifficulty.AsI’vesaidbefore,mypartnerhasnoproblemexpressinghismoods,particularlyanger.

Thehousewassilent.

Fromthelackofreverberationsand/orfallingplaster,IassumedthatAahzwasout...probablylookingformewithbloodinhiseye.Idebatedgoingouttolookforhim,butdecidedthatitwouldbebettertowaitrighthere.He’dbebackeventually,soIheadedforthegardentomakemyselfcomfortableuntilheshowedup.

WhatIcallthegardenisactuallyourcourtyard.Ithasafountainandanabundanceofplants,soItendtothinkofitasapieceoftheoutdoorsratherthanasanenclosedarea.Ihadbeenspendingmoreandmoretimetherelately,especiallywhenIwantedtimetothink.ItremindedmeofsomeofthequieterspotsIwouldfindfromtimetotimebackwhenIwaslivingonmyowninthewoods...backbeforeImetGarkin,and,throughhim,Aahz.

Thatmemoryledmetoponderacuriouspoint:Werethereothersuccessfulbeings,likemyself,whousedtheirnewprosperitytorecreatethesettingoratmosphereoftheirpre-successdays?Ifso,itmadeforacuriouscycle.

IwassopreoccupiedwiththisthoughtasIenteredthegardenthatIalmostmissedthefactthatIwasn’talone.Someoneelsewasusingmyretreat...specifically,Aahz.

Hewassittingononeofthestonebenches,chininhishandsandelbowsonhisknees,staringblanklyintothewaterasitflowedthroughthefountain.Tosaytheleast,Iwassurprised.Aahzhasneverbeenthemeditativetype,particularlyintimesofcrisis.He’smorethe“beatonsomeoneorsomethinguntiltheproblemgoesaway”type.Still,herehewas,notagitated,notpacing,justsittingandstaring.Itwasenoughoutofcharacterforhimtoun-nervemecompletely.

“Umm...Hi,Aahz,”Isaidhesitantly.

“Hello,Skeeve,”herepliedwithoutlookingaround.

Iwaitedforafewmomentsforhimtosaysomethingelse.Hedidn’t.FinallyIsatdownonthebenchnexttohimandstaredatthewatermyselfabit.

Wesatthatwayforawhile,neitherofussayinganything.Thetricklingwaterbegantohaveatranquilizing,hypnoticeffectonme,andIfoundmymindstartingtorelaxanddrift.

“It’sbeenquiteaday,hasn’tit,partner?”

MymindreflexivelyrecoiledintoafulldefensiveposturebeforeitdawnedonmethatAahzwasstillspeakingquietly.

“Y...Yes.”

Iwaited,butheseemedoffinhisownthoughtsagain.

Mynervesshot,Idecidedtotaketheinitiative.

“Look,Aahz.AboutMarkie...”

“Yes?”

“IknewabouttheElementalSchoolthing.ShetoldmeonthewaybackfromtheGeek’s.Ijustdidn’tknowenoughtorealizeitwasimportant.”

“Iknow,”Aahzsighed,notlookingatme.“Ihadn’tbotheredtoteachyouaboutelementalmagic...justlikeIhadn’ttaughtyouaboutdragonpoker.”

Noexplosion!Iwasstartingtogetalittleworriedaboutmypartner.

“Aren’tyouupset?”

“OfcourseI’mupset,”hesaid,favoringmewithafleetingglimpseofbaredteeth,abarelyrecognizablesmile.“DoyouthinkI’malwaysthisjovial?”

“Imean,aren’tyoumad?”

“Oh,I’mpast‘mad.’I’mallthewayto‘thoughtful.’“

IarrivedatthestartlingconclusionthatIlikeditbetterwhenAahzwasshoutingandunreasonable.ThatIknewhowtodealwith.Thislatestmoodofhiswasatotalunknown.

“Whatareyouthinkingabout?”

“Parenthood.”

“Parenthood?”

“Yeah.Youknow,thatstateoftotalresponsibilityforanotherbeing?Well,atleast,that’sthetheory.”

Iwasn’tsureIwasfollowingthisatall.

“Aahz?AreyoutryingtosayyoufeelresponsibleforwhathappenedwithMarkiebecauseyouhadn’ttaughtmemoreaboutmagicandpoker?”

“Yes.No.Idon’tknow.”

“Butthat’ssilly!”

“Iknow,”hereplied,withhisfirsthonestgrinsinceIhadenteredthegarden.“That’swhatgotmethinkingaboutparenthood.”

Iabandonedanyhopeoffollowinghislogic.

“You’llhavetoexplainittome,Aahz.I’malittleslowtoday.”

Hestraightenedupabit,drapingonearmaroundmyshoulders.

“I’lltry,butitisn’teasy,”hesaidinatonethatwasalmostconversational.“Yousee,regardlessofwhatIsaidwhenIwasrantingatyouabouthowmuchofaproblemMarkiewasgoingtobe,it’sbeenalongtimesinceIwasaparent.I’vebeensittinghere,tryingtorememberwhatitwaslike.What’ssosurprisingtomeistherealizationthatI’veneverreallystopped.Nobodydoes.”

Istartedtoshiftuncomfortably.

“Hearmeout.ForonceI’mtryingtosharesomeofmyhard-wonlessonswithyouwithoutshouting.Forgetthetheoriesofparenthood!Whatit’sreallyallaboutistakingprideinthingsyoucanneverbesureyouhadahandin,andacceptingtheresponsibilityandguiltforthingsyoueitherdidn’tknoworhadnocontrolover.Actually,it’salotmorecomplicatedthanthat,butthat’sthebarebonesofthematter.”

“Youdon’tmakeitsoundparticularlyattractive,”Iobserved.

“Inalotofways,itisn’t.Yourkidexpectsyoutoknoweverything...tobeabletoansweranyquestionheasksand,moreimportant,toprovidealogicalexplanationofwhatisessentiallyanillogicalworld.Society,ontheotherhand,expectsyoutotrainyourkidineverythingnecessaryforthemtobecomeasuccessful,responsiblememberofthecommunity...evenifyouaren’tyourself.Theproblemisthatyouaren’ttheonlysourceofinputforthekid.Friends,schools,andotheradultsareallsupplyingotheropinions,manyofwhichyoudon’tagreewith.Thatmeansthatifyourkidsucceeds,youdon’treallyknowifitwasbecauseoforinspiteofyourinfluence.Ontheotherhand,ifthekidgoesbad,youalwayswonderiftherewassomethingelseyoucouldhavesaidordoneordonedifferentlythatcouldhavesalvagedthingsbeforetheyhitthewall.”

Hishandtightenedslightlyonmyshoulder,butIdon’tthinkhediditconsciously.

“Now,Iwasn’taparticularlygoodparent...whichIliketothinkplacesmeinthemajority.Ididn’tinteractmuchwithmykids.Businesswasalwaysagoodexcuse,butthetruthwasthatIwasgladtoletsomeoneelsehandletheir

upbringingasmuchaspossible.IcanseenowthatitwasbecauseIwasafraidthatifItriedtodoitmyself,thatinmyignoranceanduncertaintyIwouldmakesometerriblemistake.Theendresultwasthatsomeofthekidsturnedoutokay,someofthem...let’ssaylessthanokay.WhatIwasleftwithwasanaggingfeelingthatIcouldhavedonebetter.ThatIcouldhave-shouldhave-mademoreofadifference.”

Hereleasedhisholdonmyshouldersandstoodup.

“Whichbringsustoyou.”

Iwasn’tsureifIshouldfeeluncomfortablebecausehewasfocusingonme,orgladbecausehewaspacingagain.

“I’veneverconsciouslythoughtofyouasason,butinhindsightIrealizethatalotofhowI’vetreatedyouhasbeendrivenbymylingeringguiltfromparenthood.Inyou,Ihadanotherchancetomoldsomeone...togivealltheadviceIfeltIshouldhavegivenmyownkids.IfattimesI’veseemedtooverreactwhenthingsdidn’tgowell,it’sbecausedeepinsideIsawitasapersonalfailure.Imean,thiswasmysecondchance.AtimetoshowhowmuchIhadlearnedfrommyearlierperceivedfailures,andyouknowwhat?NowI’mgivingitmyfullattentionandmybestshot,andthingsarestillgoingwrong!”

Thiswasdoingnothingtobrightenmymood.Ontopofeverythingelse,nowIhadthedistinctfeelingIhadsomehowletAahzdown.

“Idon’tthinkyoucansayit’syourfault,Aahz.Imean,you’vetriedhardandbeenmorepatientwithmethananyoneI’veeverknown.Nobodycanteachsomeoneelseeverything,eveniftheycouldrememberwhatshouldbetaught.I’vegotacertainsaturationpoint.Afterthat,I’mnotgoingtolearnanythingnewuntilI’vedigestedwhatI’vegot.Eventhen,I’vegottobehonestandsaytherearesomethingsIdon’tbelievenomatterhowoftenyoutellme.I’vejustgottofindoutformyself.Acraftsmancan’tblamehisskillifhehasdefectivematerial.”

“That’sjustwhatI’vebeenthinking,”Aahznodded.“Ican’tkeepblamingmyselfforeverything.It’sveryastuteofyoutohavefiguredthisoutatyourage...withoutgoingthroughwhatIhave.”

“It’snobigthingtofigureoutthatI’madummy,”Isaidbitterly.“I’veknownit

allalong.”

Suddenly,Ifeltmyselfbeingliftedintotheair.IlookedpastAahz’shand,whichwasgrippingmyshirtbythecollar,downthelengthofhisarm,andintohisyelloweyes.

“Wronglesson!”hesnarled,soundingmuchlikehisoldself.“Whatyou’resupposedtobelearningisn’tthatyou’redumb.You’renot,andifyouwerelistening,Ijustcomplimentedyouonthatfact.”

“Thenwhat...”Imanaged,withwhatlittleairIhadleft.

“Thepointisthatwhat’shappenedinthepastisn’tmyfault,justlikewhat’shappeningnowisn’tyourfault!”

“Aaggh...urk...”wasmyswiftrebuttal.

“Oh!Sorry.”

Myfeethitthefloorandairfloodedbackintomylungs.

“Allaparent,anyparent,candoisgiveittheirbestshot,rightorwrong.”Aahzcontinuedasiftherehadbeennointerruption.“Theactualoutcomerestsonsomanyvariables,nosinglepersoncanassumeresponsibility,blame,orpraiseforwhateverhappens.That’simportantformetorememberinmydealingswithyou...andforyoutorememberinyourdealingswithMarkie.It’snotyourfault!”

“Itisn’t?”

“That’sright.Webothhavestrongpaternalstreaksinus,thoughIdon’tknowwhereyougotyoursfrom,butallwecandoisourbest.We’vegottoremembernottotrytoshouldertheblameforwhatotherpeopledo..likeTananda.”

Thatsoberedmeupagain.“Youknowaboutthat,huh?”

“Yeah.Shetoldmetotellyougoodbyeifshedidn’tseeyou,butIguessyoualreadyknow.”

Isimplynodded,unabletospeak.

“IwasalreadyworriedabouthowyouweregoingtoreacttotheproblemswithMarkie,andwhenTanandaleftIknewyouweregoingtotakeithard.I’vebeentryingtofindawaytoshowyouthatyouaren’talone.Rightorwrong,whatyou’refeelinghasbeenaroundforalongtime.”

“Thanks,Aahz.”

“Hasithelpedatall?”

Ithoughtforamoment.“Abit.”

Mypartnerheavedanothersigh.

“Well,”hesaid,“Itried.Thatwhat’simportant...Ithink.”

“Cheerio,chaps.How’severylittlething?”

IglanceduptofindChumleystridingtowardus,beamingmerrily.“Oh.Hi,Chumley.”

“Ithoughtyou’dliketoknow,”thetrollannounced,“IthinkI’vefiguredoutawaytochargethedamageMarkiecausedthisafternoonbacktotheMobasabusinessexpense!”

“That’sswell,Chumley,”Aahzsaiddully.

“Yeah.Terrific.”

“’Allo,‘allo?”hesaid,cockinghisheadatus.“AnytimethetwobiggesthustlersattheBazaarfailtogetexcitedovermoney,there’sgottobesomethingwrong.Outwithitnow.What’stroublingyou?”

“Doyouwanttotellhim,Aahz?”

“Well...”

“Isay,thiswouldn’tbeaboutlittlesisterleavingthenest,wouldit?Oh,there’sagiggle.”

“Youknow?“Iblinked.

“Icanseeyou’reallbrokenupoverit,”Aahzsaidinadangeroustone.

“Tishtosh!”thetrollexclaimed.“Idon’tseewhereit’sanythingtogetupsetabout.Tananda’sjustsettlingthingsinhermind,isall.She’sfoundthatshelikessomethingthatgoesagainstherself-image.Itmighttakeafewdays,buteventuallyshe’llfigureoutthatit’snottheendoftheworld.Everybodygoesthroughit.It’scalled‘growingup.’Ifanything,Ithinkit’sbloodymarvelousthatshe’sfinallyhavingtolearnthatthingsdon’tstaythesameforever.”

“Youdo?”Iwassuddenlystartingtofeelbetter.

“Certainly.Why,injustthetimewe’vebeenchummingaroundtogether,Aahzhaschanged,you’vechanged,sohaveI,thoughIdon’ttendtoshowitasdramaticallyasyoutwoorlittlesister.Youblokeshavejustgotabadcaseoftheguilts.Poppycock!Youcan’ttaketheblameforeverything,youknow.”

“That’sgoodadvice,”Isaid,standingupandstretching.“Whycan’tyouevergivemegoodadvicelikethat,partner?”

“Causeanyfoolcanseeitwithoutbeingtold,”Aahzsnarled,buttherewasatwinkleinhiseye.“TheproblemisthatPervectsaren’tjustanyfool.”

“Quiteright,”Chumleygrinned.“NowhowaboutjoiningmeinalittleHappyHourspotofwinewhileItellyouhowcleverIamatsavingyoumoney.”

“I’dratheryouimpresseduswithasolutiontoourbaby-sittingproblems.”mypartnersaidgrimly,headingforthelounge.

Ifollowedintheirwake,strangelyhappy.Thingswerebacktonormal...orasnormalastheyevergetaroundhere.Betweenus,Iwassurewecouldfindapositivecourseofaction.Imean,afterall,howmuchtroublecouldonelittlegirl...

Thatthoughtcrumbledinfrontofanimageofelemental-blowntents.Iresolvedtodomorelisteningthantalkingintheupcomingwarcouncil.

ChapterNine:“Theyneverletyouliveitdown.Onelittlemistake!”

-NERO

RELAXINGoverdrinkswithAahzandChumley,Ifeltthetensionsanddepressionsofthedayslippingaway.Itwasnicetoknowthatwhenthingsreallygottough,Ihadfriendstohelpmesolvemyproblems,howevercomplexorapparentlyhopeless.

“Well,guys,”Isaid,pouringanotherroundofwineforeveryone.“Anyideasastowhatweshoulddo?”

“Beatsme.”Chumleysaid,toyingwithhisgoblet.

“Istillthinkit’syourproblem,”Aahzannounced,leaningbackinhischairandgrinningevilly.“Imean,afterall,yougotintoitwithoutourhelp.”

LikeIsaid,it’sgreattohavefriends.

“Ican’tsayIgoalongwiththat,Aahzoldboy,”thetrollsaidwithawave.“AlthoughI’lladmitit’stempting.Theunfortunaterealityisthataslongaswe’relivingandworkingascloselyasweare,hisproblemsareoutproblems,don’tyouknow?”

AsmuchasIappreciatedthefactthatChumley’slogicwasmovingthemclosertolendingmeassistance,Ifelttheneedtodefendmyselfalittle.

“I’dliketothinkit’satwo-waystreet,Aahz.I’vegottendraggedintoafewofyourproblemsaswell.”

Hestartedtosnapback,thenpursedhislipsandreturnedhisattentiontohiswine.“I’llavoidcomparinglistsofhowoftenwhichofushasgottenusinhowmuchtroubleandsimplyconcedethepoint.Iguessthat’spartofwhatapartnershipisallabout.SorryifIseemalittlesnorkyfromtimetotime,butI’ve

neverhadapartnerbefore.Ittakesgettingusedto.”

“Isay!Wellsaid,Aahz!”Chumleyapplauded.“Youknow,you’regettingmorecivilizedeveryday.”

“Let’snotgettoocarriedawayjustyet.Howaboutyou,Chumley?Youandyoursisterhavehelpedusoutoftenenough,butIdon’trecalleitherofyoubringingyourproblemshomewithyou.Isn’tthatalittlelopsided?”

“I’vealwaysfiguredit’sourwayofkickinginontherent,”thetrollsaidcasually.“Ifourproblemseverstartinterferingwithyourwork,thenI’llfigurewe’veoverstayedourwelcome.”

Thiscameasatotalsurprisetome.Irealizedwithastart,thatIwasusuallysobusywithmyownlifeandproblemsthatInevergotaroundtoaskingmuchabouttheworkChumleyandTanandaweredoing.

“Whoaupaminutehere,”Isaid.“AreyoutwohavingproblemsIdon’tknowabout?”

“Well,itisn’tallbeerandskittles,”thetrollgrimacedbriefly.“Thesubjectathand,however,isyourproblems.There’snothingonmyplatethathasahigherpriorityjustnow,solet’sgettoworkonthelatestcrisis,shallwe?Isuggestweallputonourthinkingcapsandbrainstormalittle.Let’sjuststareattheceilingandeachtossoutideasastheyoccurtous.”

ImademyselfalittlepromisetoreturntothesubjectofTanandaandChumley’sproblemsatalaterdate,thenjoinedtheothersinstaringthoughtfullyattheceiling.Timecrawledalong,andnoonesaidanything.

“Well,somuchforbrainstorming,”Aahzsaid,reachingforthewineagain.“I’lladmitI’mcomingupblank.”

“Perhapsitwouldhelpifwestartedbydefiningtheproblem,”Chumleyurged.“Now,asIseeit,wehavetwoproblems:MarkieandBunny.We’regoingtohavetroublefiguringoutwhattodoaboutBunnyuntilwefindoutwhatDonBrucehasuphissleeve,andwe’vegottocomeupwithawaytokeepMarkiefromtotallydisruptingourlivesuntilherfathercomestopickherup.”

“Ifhepicksherup,”mypartnercorrectedhelpfully.

“I’lladmit,Istilldon’tknowhowyoudidsowellinthatgametoendupwithMarkieinthefirstplace,”thetrollsaid,cockingoneoutsizedeyeatmeandignoringAahz.

“Dumbluck...withtheemphasisondumb.”

“That’snotthewayIheardit,”Chumleysmirked.

“Whateveryourmethodwas,itwassuccessfulenoughtomakeyouthetalkoftheBazaar.”

“What!?”Aahzsaid,sittingupinhischairagain.

“Youwouldhearityourselfifyouweren’tspendingallyourtimesulkinginyourroom,”thetrollwinked.

“WhenIwentoutafterlittlesistertoday,itseemedthatallIwashearingaboutwasthenewdragonpokerchampionofDeva.Everybody’stalkingaboutthegame,orwhatthey’veheardaboutthegame.Isuspectthey’reembellishinguponthefacts,fromsomeofthedescriptionofthehands,buttherearethosewhoaretakingitallasgospel.”

Irememberedthenthatwhenthegamebrokeup,theotherplayershadbeenveryenthusiasticaboutmyplaying.Atthetime,IhadbeenworriedaboutthesecretofmynightoutreachingAahz(which,you’llrecall,itdidbeforeIgothome).ThetroubleswithMarkieandBunnyhadoccupiedmymindandtimeeversince,soIhadn’tstoppedtothinkofotherpotentialrepercussionsofthegamegossip.Now,however...

Aahzwasoutofhisseat,pacingbackandforth.

“Chumley,ifwhatyou’resayingistrue...areyoufollowingthis,partner?”

“Toobloodywell,”Igrowled.

Thatgotmypartnertopausemomentarilytorollhiseyes.

“Watchyourself,”hewarned.“You’restartingtotalklikeChumleynow.”

“YouwantIshouldtalklikeGuidoinstead,knowwhatImean?”

“Idon’tunderstand,”thetrollinterrupted.“Issomethingamiss?”

“Wedon’thavetwoproblems,”Aahzannounced.

“We’vegotthree!Markie,Bunny,andtherumormill!”

“Gossip?Howcanthatbeaproblem?”

“Thinkitthrough,Chumley,”Isaid.“AllIneedrightnowistohaveabunchofhotshotdragonpokerplayershuntingmeuptoseeifI’masgoodaseverybodysays.”

“That’sonlypartofit,partner,”Aahzadded.“Thiscouldhurtourbusinessandpublicimagesaswell.”

Iclosedmyeyesandsighed.

“Spellitoutforme,Aahz.I’mstilllearning,remember?”

“Well,wealreadyknowyourreputationatmagichasbeengrowingfast...almosttoofast.Thecompetitionhatesyoubecauseyou’retakingalltheprimeassignments.Nobigdeal!Professionaljealousyisthepriceofsuccessinanyfield.Therecomesatime,however,whenyoucangettoobigtoofast.Thenitisn’tjustyourrivalsyouworryabout.Everybodywantsyoutakendownapegortwoiffornootherreasonthantoconvincethemselvesthatyoursuccessisabnormal...thattheydon’thavetofeelbadfornotmeasuringup.”

Hepausedtostareatmehard.

“I’mafraidthisdragonpokerthingjustmightpushyouintothesecondcategory.AlotofbeingsexcelhereattheBazaar,butthey’reonlynotedinonefield.TheGeek,forexample,isarecognizedfigureamongthegamblers,buthedoesn’thaveanyreputationtospeakofasamagicianormerchant.Peoplecanacceptthat...workhardandyourisetowardthetopofyourgroup.You,ontheotherhand,havejustmadeastrongshowinginasecondprofession.I’mafraidthere’sgoingtobesomebacklash.”

“Backlash?”Iechoedweakly.

“It’slikeI’vebeentryingtotellyou:peoplearen’tgoingtowantyoutogettoo

muchabovethem.Attheveryleasttheymightstartboycottingourbusiness.Atmost...well,therearewaysofsabotagingotherpeople’ssuccess.”

“Youmeanthey’regoingto...”

“That’senough!”Chumleydeclared,slappinghispalmdownonthetableloudly.

ItsuddenlyoccurredtomethatIhadneverseenChumleymad.ItalsooccurredtomethatIwasgladourfurniturewasstrongenoughtowithstandevenAahz’stirades.Ifnot,thetrollwouldhavedestroyedthetablejuststoppingtheconversation.

“Nowlistenup,bothofyou!”heordered,levelingagnarledfingeratus.“Ithinkthecurrentcrisishasgonetoyourheads.Youtwoareoverreacting...snappingatshadows!I’lladmitwe’vegotsomeproblems,butwe’vehandledworse.Thisisnotimetogetpanicky.”

“But...”

“Hearmeout,Aahz.I’velistenedtoyoubellowoftenenough.”

Iopenedmymouthtomakeawittycomment,then,foronce,thoughtbetterofit.

“Markieisapotentialdisaster,butthekeywordthereispotential.She’sagoodkidwhowilldowhatwesay...ifwelearntowatchwhatwesaytoher.ThesamegoesforBunny.She’ssmartasawhipand...”

“Bunny?”Iblurted,forgettingmyselfforamoment.

“Yes,Bunny.It’sbeenalongtimesincethere’sbeenanyonearoundhereIcoulddiscussliteratureandtheaterwith.She’sreallyquiteintelligentifyoubothertotalktoher.”

“WearetalkingaboutthesameBunny,aren’twe?”Aahzmurmured.“Theonewhocomesacrossdumbasastone,”

Chumleyconfirmedgrimly.“JustrememberhowIcomeacrosswhenI’mputtingonmyBigCrunchact...butwe’rewandering.Thesubjectisproblems,andImaintainwithalittlecoachingBunnywon’tbeone.”

Hepausedtoglareatus.

“AstotherumorofSkeeve’sabilitiesatdragonpoker,I’veneverinmylifeheardanyonegetasalarmedasyou,Aahz.Sure,therearenegativesidestoanyrumor,butyouhavetogetprettyextremetodotheprojectionsthathavebeenvoicedjustnow.”

“Hey,Boss!”Guidocalled,stickinghisheadinthedoor.“TheGeek’sheretoseeyou.”

“I’llhandlethis,”Aahzsaid,headingforthereceptionarea.“YoustayhereandlistentowhatChumleyhastosay.He’sprobablyright.Ihavebeenedgylately...forsomeunknownreason.”

“IfIamright,thenyoushouldhearit,too,”thetrollcalledafterhim.

“Talktome,Chumley,”Isaid.“That’sprobablytheclosestyou’lleverheartoanapologyfromAahz,anyway.”

“Quiteright.WherewasI?Oh,yes.EvenifAahz’sappraisalofthereactiontoyoursuccessiscorrect,itshouldn’thavetoomuchimpactonyourwork.Thesmallfrymaygotoothermagicians,butyou’vebeentryingtocutdownonunimportantjobsanyway.Whensomeoneisreallyintrouble,they’regoingtowantthebestavailablemagicianworkingonit...andrightnow,thatmeansyou.”

Ithoughtaboutwhathewassaying,weighingitcarefullyinmymind.

“EvenifAahzisjustalittleright,”Isaid,“I’mnotwildabouthavinganyillfeelinggeneratedaboutmeattheBazaar.AdmirationIdon’tmind,butenvymakesmeuneasy.”

“Nowthatyou’lljusthavetogetusedto,”thetrolllaughed,clappingahandlightlyonmyshoulder.

“Whetheryouknowitornot,that’sbeenbuildingforsometime...longbeforethisdragonpokerthingcameup.You’vegotalotgoingforyou,Skeeve,andaslongasyoudo,therewillbeblokeswhoenvyit.”

“Soyoureallythinkthedragonpokerrumorsareharmless?”

“Quiteright.Really,whatharmcancomefromidlegossip?”

“Youknow,Chumley,youaren’twrongveryoften.Butwhenyoumiss,youreallymiss.”

WelookeduptofindAahzleaninginthedoorway.

“What’swrong,Aahz?Youlooklikesomeonejustservedyouwaterwhenyouwereexpectingwine.”

Mypartnerdidn’tevensmileatmyattemptedhumor.

“Worsethanthat,”hesaid.“ThatwastheGeekdownstairs.”

“Weknow.Whatdidhewant?”

“IwashopinghehadcometopickupMarkieforherfather....”Aahz’svoicetrailedofftonothing.

“Itakeithedidn’t?”Iprompted.

“No,hedidn’t.Infact,thesubjectnevercameup.”

Almostwithoutthinking,mypartner’shandgropedforhisoversizedgobletofwine.

“Hehadaninvitation...no,makethatachallenge.TheSen-SenAnteKidhasheardaboutSkeevehere.Hewantsashowdownmatchofhead-to-headdragonpoker.TheGeekismakingthearrangements.”

ChapterTen:“Aspoonfulofsugarhelpsthemedicinegodown!”

-L.BORGIA

“JUSTlettheenergyflow.”

“That’seasyforyoutosay!”

“DidIstutter?”

“Youknow,HotStuff,maybeitwouldbebetterifI...”

“Quittalkingandconcentrate,Massha.”

“Youstartedit.”

“AndI’mfinishingit.Focusonthecandle!”

Ifsomeofthatsoundsvaguelyfamiliar,itshould.It’stheold‘lightthecandle’game.Theoretically,itbuildsastudent’sconfidence.Inactuality,it’sapaininthebutt.

Apprenticeshatethecandledrill.IdidwhenIwasanapprentice.It’salotmorefunwhenyou’reontheteachingend.

“Comeon,Skeeve.I’mgettingtoooldtolearnthisstuff.”

“Andyou’regettingolderthelongeryoustall,apprentice.Remember,youcametometolearnmagic.Justbecausewe’vegottendistractedfromtimetotimedoesn’tmeanI’veforgottencompletely.Nowlightthecandle.”

SheturnedherattentiontotheexerciseagainwithamutterIchosetoignore.

IhadbeenthinkinghardaboutmyconversationswithAahzandChumley.The

wholequestionofwhattodoaboutthechallengefromtheKidwastouchyenoughthatforonceIdecidedtoseekthecounselofmyadvisorsbeforemakingacommitmentImightlaterregret.

Wiserheadsthanminewereaddressingthedilemmaatthisverymoment.Unfortunately,aforesaidwiserheadswereintotaldisagreementastowhatcourseofactiontofollow.

Aahzwasinfavorofrefusingthematch,whileChumleyinsistedthatarefusalwouldonlyinflamethesituation.HemaintainedthattheonlysanewayoutwouldbetofacetheKidandlose(nooneseriouslythoughtIwouldhaveachanceinsuchagame),therebygettingmeoffthehotseatonceandforall.Themainproblemwiththatsolutionwasthatitinvolvedvoluntarilygivingupasubstantialamountofmoney...andAahzwouldn’thearofit.

Asthebattleragedon,Ithoughtabouttheearlierportionsofourconversations.Ithoughtaboutparenthoodandresponsibility.ThenIwentlookingforMassha.

Whenwefirstmet,Masshawasholdingdownajobascourtmagicianforoneofthecity-statesinthedimensionofJahk...that’sright.WheretheyholdtheBigGameeveryyear.Theproblemwasthatshedidn’treallyknowanymagic.Shewaswhatisknowninthefieldasamechanic,andallherpowerswerepurchasedacrossthecounterintheformofrings,pendants,andothermagicaldevices.AftershesawusstrutourstuffintheBigGame,shedecidedtotrytolearnsomeofthenon-mechanicalvarietyofmagic...andforsomeunknownreasonpickedorpickedonmetoprovideherwithlessons.

Now,tosaytheleast,IhadneverthoughtofMasshaasadaughter,butshewasmyapprenticeandthereforearesponsibilityIhadaccepted.Unfortunately,IhaddodgedthatresponsibilitymoreoftenthannotfortheveryreasonsAahzhadlisted:Iwasunsureofmyownabilitiesandthereforeafraidofmakingamistake.WhatIhadn’tdonewasgiveitmybestshot,winorlose.ThatrealizationsparkedmeintoanewresolvethatifanythinghappenedtoMasshainthefuture,itwouldn’tbebecauseIhadn’tatleasttriedtoteachherwhatsheasked.

IwasalsoawarethatIwantedtolearnmoreaboutanyproblemsChumleyandTanandawerehaving,aswellasgettingabetterfixonjustwhoorwhatBunnywas.Atthismoment,however,TanandawasabsentandChumleywasarguing

withAahz,puttingthatobjectiveonhold.Bunnywasaroundsomewhere,butgivenachoicebetweenherandMassha,Ioptedforaddressingoldobligationsbeforeplungingintonewones.

Ergo,IroustedoutMasshaforalong-overduemagiclesson.

“It’sjustnotworking,Skeeve.ItoldyouIcan’tdoit.”

Shesankbackinherchairdejectedandscowledatthefloor.Curious,Ireachedoverandfeltthecandlewick.

Itwasn’tevenwarm.

“Notbad,”Ilied.“You’reshowingsomeimprovement.”

“Don’tkidakidder.”Masshagrimaced.“I’mnotgettinganywhere.”

“Couldyoulightitwithoneofyourrings?”

Shespreadherfingersandmadeaquickinventory.

“Sure.Thislittletrinketrightherecoulddothejob,butthat’snotthepoint.”

“Bearwithme.Howdoesitwork?Or,moreimportant,howdoesitfeelwhenitworks?”

Shegaveaquickshrug.

“There’snothingtoit.Yousee,thiscirclearoundthestoneheremoves,andIrotateitaccordingtohowtightabeamIwant.Pressingthebackoftheringactivatesit,soallIhavetodoisaimitandrelax.Theringdoesallthework.”

“That’sit!”Iexclaimed,snappingmyfingers.

“What’sit?”

“Nevermind.Keepgoing.Howdoesitfeel?”

“Well,”shefrownedthoughtfully.“Itsortoftingles.It’slikeIwasahoseandtherewaswaterrushingthroughmeandoutthering.”

“Bingo!”

“What’sthatsupposedtomean?”

“Listen,Massha.Listenclosely.”

Iwasspeakingcarefullynow,tryinghardtocontainmyexcitementoverwhatIhopedwasamajorbreakthrough.

“Ourproblemwithteachingyounon-mechanicalmagicisthatyoudon’tbelieveinit!Imean,youknowthatitexistsandall,butyoudon’tbelievethatyoucandoit.You’reworkinghardatovercomingthateverytimeyoutrytocastaspell,andthat’stheproblem:Youtry...Youworkhard.Youknowyou’vegottobelieve,soyouworkhardatovercomingthatdisbeliefeverytimeyou...”

“Yeah.So?”

“Itmeansyoutenseupinsteadofrelaxingthewayyoudowhenyou’reworkingyourrings.Tensingblockstheflowoftheenergies,soyouendupwithlesspoweratyourdisposalthanyouhavewhenyou’rejustwalkingaround.Theideaofcastingaspellisn’ttotenseup,it’storelax...ifanything,it’sanexerciseinforcedrelaxation.”

Myapprenticebitatherlowerlip.“Idon’tknow.Thatsoundstooeasy.”

“Ontheonehandit’seasy.Viewedadifferentway,oneofthehardestthingstodoisrelaxoncue,especiallyifthere’sacrisisragingaroundyouatthetime.”

“SoallIhavetoisrelax?”sheaskedskeptically.

“Rememberthat‘hose’feelingyougetwhenyouusethering?That’stheenergiesbeingchanneledthroughyouandfocusedonyourobjective.Ifyoupinchoffahose,howmuchwatergetsthrough?”

“Iguessthatmakessense.”

“Tryit...now.Reachoutyourhandandfocusonthecandlewickasifyouweregoingtouseyourring,onlydon’tactivateit.Justtellyourselfthattheringisworkingandrelax.”

Shestartedtosaysomething,thenchangedhermind.Instead,shedrewadeepbreath,blewitout,thenpointedafingeratthecandle.

“Justrelax,”Iurgedsoftly.“Lettheenergiesflow.”

“But...”

“Don’ttalk.KeepyourmindonthecandleandhearmelikeI’mtalkingfromalongwayoff.”

Obediently,shefocusedonthecandle.

“Feeltheflowofenergies...justlikewhenyou’reusingthering.Relaxsomemore.Feelhowtheflowincreases?Now,withouttensingup,tightenthatflowdowntoanarrowbeamandaimitatthewick.”

IwasconcentratingonMasshasomuchIalmostmissedit.Asmallglowoflightstartedtoformonthecandlewick.

“That’sit,”Isaid,fightingtokeepmyvoicecalm.“Now...”

“Daddy!Guidosays...”

“Ssshh!!!”Ihissed.“Notnow,Markie!We’retryingtolightthecandle.”

Shepausedinthedoorwayandcockedherheadquizzically.

“Oh,that’seasy!”shebeamedsuddenlyandraisedherhead.

“MARKIE!!DON’T...”

ButIwastoolate.

Therewasasuddenflashoflightintheroom,andthecandlelit.Well,itdidn’texactlylight,itmeltedlikeabagofwaterwhenyoutakeawaythebag.Sodidthecandleholder.Thetablelit,though...briefly.Atleastonecomerofitdid.Itflaredforamoment,thenthefirediedasabruptlyasithadappeared.Whatwasleftwasacharredquarter-circleoftabletopwherethecornerusedtobe.Thatandatablelegstandingalonelikeaburntouttorch.Thefirehadhitsofastandsmooththelegdidn’teventoppleover.

Idon’trememberreachingforMarkie,butsomehowIhadherbytheshouldersshakingher.

“WHATDIDYOUDOTHATFOR??”Isaidinmybestpaternaltones.

“You...yousaid...youwantedthe....candlelit.”

“That’slightingacandle?!?”

“Istillhavealittletroublewithcontrol...butmyteachersaysI’mdoingbetter.”

IrealizedIwashavingalittletroublewithcontrol,too.Istoppedshakingherandtriedtocalmmyself.ThiseffortwasaidedbythefactthatInoticedMarkie’slipwasquiveringandshewasblinkinghereyesrapidly.

Itsuddenlydawnedonmethatshewasabouttocry.Idecidedthat,notknowingwhatwouldhappenwhenshecried,Iwoulddomybesttostayignorantbyheadingheroffatthepass.

“Umm...thatwasaFireElemental,right?DidyoulearnthatatElementalSchool?”

Gettingsomeonetotalkoftenservestostaveofftears...atleast,ithadalwaysworkedonme.

“Y...Yes,”shesaidmeekly.“AtElementalSchool,welearnFireforstarters.”

“It’s...ummm...veryimpressive.Look,I’msorryifIbarkedatyou,Markie,butyousee,Ididn’tjustwantthecandlelit.IwantedMasshatolightit.Itwaspartofhermagiclesson.”

“Ididn’tknowthat.”

“Iknow.Ididn’tthinktotellyou.That’swhyI’mapologizing.Whathappenedherewasmyfault.Okay?”

Shenoddedherhead,exaggeratingthemotionuntilitlookedlikeshehadabrokenneck.Itwasaninterestingillusion,onethatIvastlypreferredtotheideaofhercrying...especiallyinthemoodIwasin.ThethoughtofMarkiewithabrokenneck...

“Aahh...youdidinterruptMassha’slesson,though,”Isaid,forcingtheotherconceptfrommymind.“Don’tyouthinkitwouldbeniceifyouapologizedtoher?”

“That’sagreatidea,Daddy,”shebeamed.“I’lldothatthenexttimeIseeher.Okay?”

That’swhenIrealizedmyapprenticehadslippedoutoftheroom.

“Whatdoyouthinkyou’redoing,Massha?”

LeaningcasuallyinthedoorwayofMassha’sbedroom,IrealizedmyvoicelackedtheintimidatingpowerofAahz’s,butit’stheonlyvoiceI’vegot.

“WhatdoesitlooklikeI’mdoing?”shesnarled,carryingamassivearmloadofclothesfromherclosettodumponthebed.

“I’dsay,offhand,thatitlookslikeyou’repacking.Thequestionis,why?”

“Peopleusuallypackbecauseit’stheeasiestwaytocarrytheirthingswhentheytravel.Lesswearandtearonthewardrobe.”

Suddenly,Iwaswearyofthebanter.Heavingasigh,Imovedinfrontofher,blockingherpath.

“Nomoregames,Massha.Okay?Tellmestraightout,whyareyouleaving?Don’tyouoweyourteacherthatmuchatleast?”

Sheturnedaway,busyingherselfwithsomethingonherdresser.“C’mon,Skeeve,”shesaidinatonesolowIcouldbarelyhearit.“Yousawwhathappeneddownstairs.”

“Isawyouonthevergeofmakingamajorbreakthroughinyourlessons,ifthat’swhatyoumean.IfMarkiehadn’tcomein,youwouldhavehadthecandlelitinanotherfewseconds.”

“Bigdeal!”

Shespuntofaceme,andIcouldseethatshewastryingnottocry.Thereseemedtobealotofthatgoingaround.

“Excuseme,Skeeve,butbigfathairydeal.SoIcanlightacandle.Sowhat?!Afteryearsofstudy,Masshacanlightacandle...andalittlegirlcanblowtheendoffthetablewithouteventrying!Whatdoesthatmakeme?Amagician?Haha!Whatajoke.”

“Massha,Ican’tdowhatMarkiediddownstairs...orwhatshedidintheBazaareither,forthatmatter.ItoldyouwhenyoufirstapproachedmetobemyapprenticeexactlyhowlittlemagicIknew.I’mstilllearning,though...andinthemeantimewe’restillholdingourowninthemagicbusiness...andthat’shereattheBazaar.TheMagicCapitalofthedimensions.”

Thatseemedtosettleherabit,butnotmuch.

“Tellmehonestly.HotStuff,”shesaid,pursingherlips.“HowgooddoyouthinkIcouldeverbewithmagic...really?”

“Idon’tknow.I’dliketothinkthatwithworkandpracticeyoucouldbebetterthanyouarenow,though.That’sreallyallanyofuscanhopefor.”

“Youmayberight,Skeeve,andit’sagoodthought.Thefactstillremainsthatinthemeantime,I’llalwaysbesmallpotatoesaroundhere...magically,ofcourse.Thewaythingsaregoing,I’mdestinedtobeahanger-on.Aleech.YouandAahzareniceguys,andyou’dneverthrowmeout,butIcan’tthinkofonegoodreasonwhyIshouldstay.”

“lean.”

MyheadcamearoundsofastIwasinmomentarydangerofwhiplash.Framedinthedoorwaywas...

“TANANDA!”

“Intheflesh,”shesaidwithawink.“Butthat’snotthesubjecthere.Massha,Ican’tspeakforlong-termconditionsbutI’vegotonegoodreasonwhyyoushouldn’tleaveJustnow.It’sthesamereasonI’mnot.

“What’sthat?”

“ItinvolvestheGreatSkeevehere.C’mondownstairs.Imgoingtobriefeverybodyatonceatawarcouncil.We’vegotafull-blowncrisisonourhands“

ChapterEleven:“Ibelievewe’reunderattack.”

-COL.TRAVIS

ONEoftheroomsinourextra-dimensionalpalacehadalargeovaltableinitsurroundedbychairs.Whenwemovedin,wedubbedittheConferenceRoom,sincetheredidn’tseemtobeanyotherpracticaluseforit.Weneveruseditforconferences,mindyou,butit’salwaysnicetohaveaconferenceroom.

Tonight,however,itwaspackedtocapacity.ApparentlyTanandahadroundedupthewholehousehold,includingMarkieandBunny,beforelocatingMasshaandme,andeveryonewasalreadyseatedaswewalkedin.

“Canwegetstartednow?”Aahzaskedcaustically.“Idohaveotherthingstodo,youknow.”

“Really?”Chumleysneered.“Likewhat?”

“LiketalkingtotheGeekaboutthatinvitation,”mypartnershotback.

“Withouttalkingtoyourpartnerfirst?”

“Ididn’tsayIwasgoingtorefuseoraccept.Ijustwanttotalktohimabout...”

“Canwetabletheargumentforthemoment?”Iinterrupted.“IwanttohearwhatTanandahastosay.”

“Thanks,Skeeve,”shesaid,flashingmeaquicksmilebeforedroppingbackintohersolemnmanner.“IguessyouallknowIwasmovingoutofhere.Well,pokingaroundtheBazaar,Iheardarumorthat’schangedmymind.Ifit’strue,we’reallgoingtohaveourhandsfulldealingwithit.”

Shepaused,butnooneelsesaidanything.Forachange,wewereallgivingherourundividedattention.

“IguessIshoulddroptheshoefirst,thenwecanallgoonfromthere.Thetalkonthestreetisthatsomeone’shiredtheAxtodoanumberonSkeeve.”

Therewasafewheartbeatsofsilence;thentheroomexploded.

“Whyshouldanyone...”

“Who’shiredtheAx?”

“Wheredidyouhear...”

“Holdit!HOLDIT!”Tanandashouted,holdingupherhandsforsilence.“Icanonlyansweronequestionatatime...butI’llwarnyouinadvance,Idon’thavethatmanyanswerstostartwith.”

“Who’shiredhim?”Aahzdemanded,seizingfirstposition.

“ThewayIheardit,agroupofmagicianshereattheBazaarisnonetoohappywithSkeeve’ssuccess.Theyfeelhe’stakingallthechoiceassignmentsthesedays...gettingalltheglorywork.Whatthey’vedoneispooltheirmoneysotheycanhiretheAxtodowhatthey’reallafraidtodothemselves...namely,dealwithSkeeve.”

“Doyouhearthat,Chumley?StillthinkI’mbeingmelodramatic?”

“Shutup,Aahz.Where’dyouhearthis,littlesister?”

“RememberVic?ThelittlevampirethatrelocatedherefromLimbo?Well,he’sopenedhisownmagicpracticehereattheBazaar.Itseemsthathewasapproachedtocontributetothefund.He’snewenoughherethathedidn’tknowanyofthembyname,buttheyclaimtohavethesupportofnearlyadozenofthesmalltimemagicians.”

“Whydidn’thewarnusassoonasheheard?”

“He’stryingtostayneutral.Hedidn’tcontribute,buthealsodidn’twanttobetheonetoblowthewhistletoSkeeve.TheonlyreasonhesaidanythingtomewasthathewasafraidthatanyoneclosetoSkeevemightgetcaughtinthecrossfire.Imustadmit,heseemstohavearatherexaggeratedideaofhowmuchSkeeveherecanhandleonhisown.”

“CanIaskaquestion?”Isaidgrimly.“Astheintendedvictim?”

“Sure,Skeeve.Askaway.”

“Who’stheAx?”

Atleasthalftheheadsatthetableswiveledtowardmewhilethefacesattachedtothemdroppedtheirjaws.

“You’rekidding!”

“Don’tyouknowwho...”

“Aahz,didn’tyouteachhimany...”

“Whoa!Holdit!”Ishoutedovertheclamor.“Icanonlytakesomuchofthisinformativebabblingatonetime.Aahz!Asmyfriend,partner,andsometimesmentor,couldyoudeigntotellmeinsimpletermswhotheAxis?”

“Nobodyknows.”

Iclosedmyeyesandgavemyheadasmallshakeinanefforttoclearmyears.Afterallthis‘Gee,whydon’tyouknowthat?’brouhaha,Icouldswearhesaid...

“He’sright,handsome,”Tanandachimedin.“TheAx’srealidentityisoneofthemostcloselyguardedsecretsinallthedimensions.That’swhyhe’ssoeffectiveatwhathedoes.”

“Thatmaybetrue,”Inodded.“Butfromthereactioninthisroomwhenyoudroppedthename,I’dguessthatsomebodyknowssomethingabouthim.Now,letmerephrasethequestion.Ifyoudon’tknowwhotheAxis,couldsomeoneenlightenmeastowhatheis?”

“TheAxisthegreatestCharacterAssassininallthedimensions,”Aahzsaidwithasnarl.“Heworksfreelanceandchargesfeesthatmakeourslooklikepocketchange.OncetheAxisonyourtail,though,youmightaswellkissitgoodbye.He’sruinedmorecareersthanfivestock-marketcrashes.Haven’tyoueverheardtheexpression‘taketheaxtosomeone’?Well,that’swhereitcomesfrom.”

Ifeltthatall-too-familiar“downelevator”sensationinmystomach.

“Howdoeshedoit?”

“Itvaries,”mypartnershrugged.“Hetailor-makeshisattackdependingontheassignment.Theonlyconstantisthatwhateveryouwerewhenhestarted,you’renotwhenhe’sdone.”

“Iwishyou’dquitsaying‘you’allthetime.I’mnotdeadyet.”

“Sorry,partner.Figureofspeech.”

“Well,that’sjustswell!”Guidoexploded.“How’reNunzio‘n’mesupposedtoguardtheBosswhenwedon’tknowwhat’scomin’athim?”

“Youdon’t,”Aahzshotback.“Thisisoutofyourcategory,Guido.We’retalkingaboutcharacterassassination,notaphysicalattack.It’snotinyourjobdescription.”

“Izzatso!”Nunziosaidinhissqueakyvoice.“DonBrucesaysweshouldguardhim.Idon’trememberhimsayin’anythingaboutphysicalornon-physicalattacks.Right,Guido?”

“That’sright!IftheBosshasgotsomeoneafterhisscalp,guardin’himisourjob...ifthat’sallrightwithyou,MISTERAahz!”

“Iwouldn’ttrustyoutwotoguardafishhead,muchlessmypartner!”Aahzroared,surgingtohisfeet.

“Stopit,Aahz!”Tanandaordered,kickingmypartner’schairsothatitcuthislegsoutfromunderhimandploppedhimbackintohisseat.“Ifwe’reupagainsttheAx,we’regoingtoneedallthehelpwecanget.Let’sstopbickeringaboutthe‘who’andconcentrateonthe‘how.’Okay?We’reallscared,butthatdoesn’tmeanweshouldturnoneachotherwhenit’stheAxthat’sourtarget.”

Thatcooledeverybodydownforthemoment.Therewereafewglaresandmuttersexchanged,butatleastthevolumeleveldroppedtowhereIcouldbeheard.

“Ithinkyou’realloverlookingsomething,”Isaidquietly.

“What’sthat?”Tanandablinked.

“Aahzcamecloseaminuteago.Thisismyproblem...andit’snotreallyinanyofyourjobdescriptions.We’reallfriends,andtherearebusinesstiesbetweenAahzandme,aswellasGuidoandNunzio,butwe’retalkingaboutreputationshere.IfIgethit,andeveryoneseemstobebettingagainstmerightnow,anyonestandingclosetomeisgoingtogetmudsplashedonthem,too.Itseemstomethatthebestcourseofactionisfortherestofyoutopullback,or,betterstill,formetomoveoutandpresentasolotarget.Thatway,we’reonlyrunningtheriskofhavingonecareerruined...mine.IgotwhereIambystandingonyourshoulders.IfIcan’tmaintainitonmyown,well,maybeitwasn’tmuchofacareertostartwith.”

ThewholeroomwasstaringatmeasIlurchedtoahalt.

“Youknow,Skeeveoldboy,”Chumleysaid,clearinghisthroat,“AsmuchasIlikeyou,sometimesit’sdifficulttorememberjusthowintelligentyouare.”

“I’llsay,”Tanandasnarled.“That’saboutthedumbest...Waitaminute!Doesthishaveanythingtodowithmyleaving?”

“Abit,”Iadmitted.“AndMasshaleavingandAahz’stalkingaboutresponsibility,and...”

“Stoprightthere!”Aahzordered,holdinguphishand.“Let’stalkaboutresponsibility,partner.It’sfunnythatIshouldhavetolectureyouaboutthis,butthereareallsortsofresponsibilities.OneoftheonesthatI’velearnedaboutfromyouistheresponsibilitytoone’sfriends:helpingthemoutwhenthey’reintrouble,andlettingthemhelpyouinreturn.Ihaven’tforgottenhowyoucameintoastrangedimensiontobustmeoutofprisonafterI’drefusedyourhelpinthefirstplace;orhowyousignedusontoplayintheBigGametobailTanandaoutaftershewascaughtthieving;orhowyouinsistedthatDonBruceassignGuidoandNunzioheretoyouwhentheywereinlinefordisciplinaryactionafterbotchingtheirassignmentfortheMob.Ihaven’tforgottenit,andI’llbettheyhaven’teither,evenifyouhave.Now,Isuggestyoushutupaboutjobdescriptionsandletyourfriendshelpyou...partner.”

“A-bloody-men.”Chumleynodded.

“YoucouldhaveleftmewiththeGeekfortheslavers,”Markiesaid

thoughtfully,inasurprisinglyadultvoice.

“So,nowthatthat’ssettled,”mypartnersaid,rubbinghishandstogether,“let’sgettowork.MybuddyGuidoherehasraisedagoodpoint.HowdowedefendSkeevewhenwedon’tknowhoworwhentheAxwillstrike?”

Wehadn’treallysettledit,andAahzwasn’tabouttogivemeachancetopointitout.Iwasjustasglad,though,sinceIreallydidn’tknowwhattosay.

“Allwecandoisbeonthelookoutforanyoneoranythingstrangeshowingup.”Tanandashrugged.

“LikeashowdownmatchofdragonpokerwiththeSen-SenAnteKid,”Chumleysaid,staringintothedistance.

“What’sthat?”

“Youmissedit,littlesister.ItseemsourboySkeevehasdrawntheattentionofthekingofdragonpoker.Hewantsahead-to-headshowdownmatch,andhewantsitsoon.”

“Don’tlookatmelikethat,Chumley.”Aahzgrimaced.“I’mchangingmyvote.IfwewanttopreserveSkeeve’sreputation,there’snowayhecanrefusethechallenge.NowI’mwillingtoadmitit’llbemoneywellspent.”

“Mydaddycanbeatanybodyatdragonpoker,”Markiedeclaredloyally.

“Yourdaddycangethisbrainsbeatenoutroyally,”mypartnercorrectedgently.“Ijusthopewecanteachhimenoughbetweennowandgametimethathecanlosegracefully.”

“Idon’tlikeit,”Tanandagrowled.“It’stooconvenient.SomehowthisgamehastheAx’sfingerprintsalloverit.”

“You’reprobablyright,”Aahzsighed.“Butthere’snotmuchelsewecandoexceptacceptthechallengeandtrytomakethebestofabadsituation.”

“Bitethebulletandplaythecardswe’redealt.Eh,Aahz?”Imurmured.

IthoughIhadspokenquietly,buteveryonearoundthetablewinced,including

Markie.Theymightbeloyalenoughtorisktheirlivesandcareersdefendingme,buttheyweren’tgoingtolaughatmyjokes.

“Waitaminute!”Nunziosqueaked.“Doyouthinkthere’sachancethattheKidisactuallytheAx?”

“Lowprobability,”Bunnysaid,speakingforthefirsttimeinthemeeting.“SomeoneliketheAxhastoworkalowprofile.TheSen-SenAnteKidistoonoticeable.Ifhewereacharacterassassin,peoplewouldnoticeinnotimeflat.Besides,whenhewins,nobodythinksit’sbecausehisopponentsaredisreputable...it’sbecausetheKidisgood.No,IfiguretheAxhasgottobelikethepurloinedletter...hecanhideinplainsight.Figurethelastpersonyou’dsuspect,andyou’llbegettingclosetohisrealidentity.”

Theconversationswirledonaroundme,butIdidn’tlistenveryclosely.Forsomereason,athoughthadoccurredtomewhileBunnywastalking.WehadallbeenreferringtotheAxasa“he,”butifnooneknewhisrealidentity,hecouldjustaseasilybea“she.”Ifanything,menweremuchlessdefensiveandmoreinclinedtobragaboutthedetailsoftheircareerswhentheywerewithawoman.

Bunnywasawoman.ShehadalsoappearedsuddenlyonourdoorsteprightaroundthetimetheAxwassupposedtobegettinghisassignment.Wealreadyknewthatshewassmarterthansheleton...wordslike“purloined”didn’tgowiththevacantstareshesocarefullycultivated.WhatbetterplacefortheAxtostrikefromthantheinside?

IdecidedthatIshouldhavealittlechatwithmymollassoonastheopportunitypresenteditself.

ChapterTwelve:“Nooneshouldhidetheirtrueselfbehindafalseface.”

-L.CHANEY

ITwaswithacertainamountoftrepidationthatIapproachedBunny’sbedroom.Incaseyouhaven’tnoticed,myexperiencewithwomenisratherlimited...liketothefingersofonehandlimited.

Tananda,Massha,Luanna,QueenHemlock,andnowBunnyweretheonlyadultfemalesIhadeverhadtodealwith,andthusfarmytrackrecordwaslessthanglowing.IhadacrushonTanandaforawhile,butnowshewasmoreofabigsistertome.Masshawas...well,Massha.IguessifanythingIsawherasakidsister,someonetobeprotectedandsometimescuddled.

I’veneverreallyunderstoodheropenadmirationofme,butithadstoodfirmthroughsomeofmymostembarrassingmishapsandmadeiteasyformetoconfideinher.EventhoughIstillthoughtofLuannaasmyonetruelove,Ihadonlyspokentoheronfouroccasions,andafterourlastexchangeIwasn’tsuretherewouldeverbeafifthmeeting.TheonlyrelationshipIhadhadwithawomanwhichwasmoredisastrousthanmyattemptatlovewastheoneIhadwithQueenHemlock.Shemightnotshootmeonsight,buttherewasnodoubtinanyone’smindthatshewouldliketo...andshe’stheonewhowantedtomarryme!

Ofcourse,noneofthewomenIhaddealtwithsofarwasanythinglikeBunny,thoughwhetherthiswasgoodorbadIwasn’tentirelysure.Thefactstillremained,however,thatIwasgoingtohavetolearnmoreabouther,fortworeasons:first,ifshewasgoingtobearesidentofourhousehold,IwantedtogetabetterfixonwhereshewascomingfromsoIcouldtreatherassomethingotherthanamadauntinthecellar;andsecond,ifshewastheAx,thesoonerIfoundout,thebetter.Unfortunately,theonlywayIcouldthinkoftoobtainthenecessaryinformationwastotalktoher.

Iraisedmyhand,hesitatedforamoment,thenrappedonherdoor.Itoccurredtomethat,eventhoughIhadneverbeeninfrontofafiringsquad,nowIknewhowitfelt.

“Whoisit?”

“It’sSkeeve,Bunny.Haveyougotaminute?”

ThedoorflewopenandBunnywasthere,grabbingmyarmandpullingmeinside.Shewasdressedinaslinkyjumpsuitwiththeneckunlacedpasthernavel,whichwasagreatrelieftome.WhenIcalledonQueenHemlockinherbedroom,shehadreceivedmeinthealtogether.

“Geez!It’sgoodtoseeyou.Iwasstartin’tothinkyouweren’tevercomin’by!”

Withadouble-jointedshiftofherhipsshebumpedthedoorshut,whileherhandsflewtothelacingsinheroutfit.Somuchforbeingrelieved.

“Ifyoujustgivemeasecond,hon,I’llbeallsettogo.Youkindacaughtmeunprepared,and...”

“Bunny,couldyoujustknockitoffforawhile?Huh?”

Forsomereasontheeventsofthelastfewdayssuddenlyrestedheavyonmyshoulders,andIjustwasn’tinthemoodforgames.

ShestaredatmewitheyesasbigasaPervect’sbarbill,butherhandsceasedtheiractivity.“What’sthematter,Skeevie?Don’tyoulikeme?”

“Ireallydon’tknow.Bunny,”Isaidheavily.“You’veneverreallygivenmeachance,haveyou?”

Shedrewinasharpbreathandstartedtoretortangrily.Thenshehesitatedandlookedawaysuddenly,lickingherlipsnervously.

“I...Idon’tknowwhatyoumean.Didn’tIcometoyourroomandtrytobefriendly?”

“IthinkyoudoknowwhatImean,”Ipressed,sensingaweakeninginherdefenses.“Everytimeweseeeachother,you’rehittingmeinthefacewithyour

‘sex-kitten’routine.Ineverknowwhethertorunorapplaud,butneitheractionisparticularlyconducivetogettingtoknowyou.”

“Don’tknockit,”shesaid.“It’sagreatlittlebit.It’sgottenmethisfar,hasn’tit?Besides,isn’tthatwhatmenwantfromagirl?”

“Idon’t.”

“Really?”

Therewasanone-too-gentlemockeryinhervoice.Shetookadeepbreathandpulledhershouldersback.

“Sotellme,whatdoescrossyourmindwhenIdothis?”

RegardlessofwhatimpressionImayhaveleftonyoufrommyearlierexploits,Idothinkfast.Fastenoughtocensormyfirstthreethoughtsbeforeanswering.

“Mostlydiscomfort,”Isaidtruthfully.“It’simpressive,allright,butIgetthefeelingIshoulddosomethingaboutitandI’mnotsureI’muptoit.”

Shesmiledtriumphantlyandletherbreathout,easingthetensionacrossherchestandmymind.Ofthetwo,Ithinkmymindneededitmore.

“Youhavejusthitonthesecretofthesexkittens.It’snotthatyoudon’tlikeit.There’sjusttoomuchofitforyoutobesureyoucanhandleit.”

“I’mnotsureIfollowyou.”

“Menliketobragandstrutalot,butthey’vegotegosasbrittleasspunglass.Ifagirlcallstheirbluff,comesatthemlikeaseethingvolcanothatcan’tbeputout,mengetscared.Insteadoffanningagentlefeminineember,they’refacedwithaforestfire,sotheytaketheirwindelsewhere.Oh,theykeepusaroundtoimpresspeople.‘LookatthetigressI’vetamed,’andallthat.Butwhenwe’realonetheyusuallykeeptheirdistance.I’llbetamollseeslessactualactionthanyouraveragecoed...exceptourpayscaleisalotbetter.”

Thatmademethink.Ontheonehand,shehadcalledmyreactionprettyclose.Herroaringcome-onhadscaredmeabit...well,alot.Still,therewastheotherhand.

“Itsoundslikeyoudon’tthinkverymuchofmen,”Iobserved.

“Hey!Don’tgetmewrong.They’realotbetterthanthealternatives.Ijustgotalittlesickoflisteningtothesameoldlinesoverandoveranddecidedtoturnthetableson‘em.That’sall.”

“Thatwasn’twhatImeant.Asecondagoyousaid‘That’swhatmenwantfromagirl.’Itmaybetrue,andIwon’ttrytoarguethepoint.It’suncomfortablycloseto‘That’sallmenwantfromagirl,’though,andthatIwillargue.”

Shescowledthoughtfullyandchewedherlowerlip.

“Iguessthatisover-generalizingabit,”sheadmitted.

“Good.”.

“It’smoreaccuratetosay‘That’sallmenwantfromabeautifulgirl.’”

“Bunny...”

“No,youlistentome,Skeeve.ThisisonesubjectI’vehadalotmoreexperienceatthanyouhave.It’sfinetotalkaboutmindswhenyoulooklikeMassha.ButwhenyougrowuplookinggoodlikeIdid-nobrag,justastatementoffact-it’sonelongstringofmenhittingonyou.Ifthey’reinterestedinyourmind,I’dsaytheyneedacrashcourseinanatomy!”

Inthecourseofourfriendship,IhadhadmanylongchatswithMasshaaboutwhatitmeanttoawomantobelessthanattractive.However,thiswasthefirsttimeIhadeverbeenmadetorealizethatbeautymightbesomethinglessthananasset.

“Idon’trecall‘hittingonyou,’Bunny.”

“Okay,okay.MaybeIhavetakentocounterpunchingbeforesomeoneelsestarts.There’sbeenenoughofapatternthatIthinkI’mjustifiedinjumpingtoconclusions.AsIrecall,youwerealittlepreoccupiedwhenwemet.Howwouldyouhavereactedifweranintoeachothercasuallyinabar?”

Thatwasn’tdifficultatalltoimagine...unfortunately.

“Touche!”Iacknowledged.“Letmejusttossonethoughtatyou,Bunny.ThenI’llyieldtoyourexperience.Thequestionofsexisgoingtohangintheairoveranymale-femaleencounteruntilit’sresolved.Ithinkitlingersfrompre-civilizationdayswhensurvivalofthespecieshingedonpropagation.It’sstrongestwhenencounteringamemberoftheoppositesexonefindsattractive...suchasabeautifulwoman,or,Ibelievethephraseis,a‘hunk.’Partofcivilization,thoughIdon’tknowhowmanyotherpeoplethinkofitthisway,issettingrulesandlawstohelpsettlethatquestionquickly:siblings,parents,andpeopleunderageormarriedtosomeoneelseareofflimits...well,usually,butyougetmypoint.Theoretically,thisallowspeopletospendlesstimesniffingateachotherandmoretimegettingonwithotherendeavors...likeartorbusiness.I’mnotsureit’sanimprovement,mindyou,butithasbroughtusalongway.”

“That’saninterestingtheory,Skeeve,”Bunnysaidthoughtfully.“Where’dyouhearit?”

“Imadeitup,”Iadmitted.

“I’llhavetomullthatoneoverforawhile.Evenifyou’reright,though,whatdoesitprove?”

“Well,IguessI’mtryingtosaythatIthinkyou’refocusingtoomuchontheexistenceofthequestion.Eachtimeitcomesup,resolveitandmoveontootherthings.Specifically,Ithinkwecanresolvethequestionbetweenusrightnow.AsfarasI’mconcerned,theanswerisno,oratleastnotforalongtime.Ifwecanagreeonthat,I’dliketomoveontootherthings...likegettingtoknowyoubetter.”

“I’dsaythatsoundslikeapass,ifyouweren’tsaying‘no’inthesamebreath.MaybeIhavebeenalittlehypersensitiveonthesubject.Okay.Agreed.Let’stryitasfriends.”

Shestuckoutherhand,andIshookitsolemnly.Inthebackofmymindwasatwingeofguilt.NowthatIhadgottenhertorelaxherguard,Iwasgoingtotrytopumpherforinformation.

“Whatwouldyouliketoknow?”

“Well,exceptforthefactthatyou’resmarterthanyouletonandthatyou’reDon

Bruce’sniece,Ireallydon’tknowmuchaboutyouatall!”

“Whoops,”shegiggled,“Youweren’tevensupposedtoknowabouttheniecepart.”

Itwasamuchnicergigglethanherusualbrain-jarringsqueal.

“Let’sstartthere,then.Iunderstandyouruncledoesn’tapproveofyourcareerchoice.”

“Youcansaythatagain.Hehadaprofessionallpickedoutforme,putmethroughschoolandeverything.Thetroublewasthathedidn’tbothertocheckwithme.Frankly,I’dratherdoanythingelsethanwhathehadinmind.”

“Whatwasthat?”

“Hewantedmetobeanaccountant.”

MymindflashedbacktomyoldnemesisJ.R.GrimblebackatPossletum.TryingtopictureBunnyinhisplacewasmorethanmyimaginationcouldmanage.

“Umm...Isupposeaccountingisokaywork.IcanseewhyDonBrucedidn’twantyoutofollowhisfootstepsintoalifeofcrime.”

Bunnycockedaskepticaleyebrowatme.“Ifyoubelievethat,youdon’tknowmuchaboutaccounting.”

“Whatever.Itdoesoccurtomethattherearemorechoicesforone’slivelihoodthanbeinganaccountantorbeingamoll.”

“Idon’twanttosetyouoffagain,”shesmirked,“butmylookswereworkingagainstme.Mostlegitimatebusinessmenwereafraidthatiftheyhiredmetheirwives,orpartners,orboardofdirectors,orstaffwouldthinktheywereputtingamistressonthepayroll.AfterawhileIdecidedtogowiththeflowandgointoafieldwherebeingattractivewasarequirementinsteadofahandicap.IfI’mguiltyofanything,it’slaziness.”

“Idon’tknow,”Isaid,shakingmyhead.“I’lladmitIdon’tthinkmuchofyourcareerchoice.”

“Oh,yeah?Well,beforeyoustartsittinginmoraljudgment,letmetellyou...”

“Whoa!Timeout!”Iinterrupted.“WhatImeantwasthereisn’tmuchofafutureinit.Nothingpersonal,butnobodystaysyoungandgood-lookingforever.FromwhatIhear,yourjobdoesn’thavemuchofaretirementplan.”

“NoneoftheMobjobsdo,”sheshrugged.“ItpaysthebillswhileI’mlookingforsomethingbetter.”

Nowweweregettingsomewhere.

“SpeakingoftheMob,Bunny,I’lladmitthisAxthinghasmeworried.DoyouknowoffhandiftheMobeverhandlescharacterassassination?MaybeIcouldtalktosomeoneandgetsomeadvice.”

“Idon’tthinktheydo.It’salittlesubtleforthem.Still,I’veneverknownUncleBrucetoturndownanykindofworkiftheprofitwashighenough.”

Itoccurredtomethatthatwasafairlyevasivenoanswer.Idecidedtotryagain.

“Speakingofyouruncle,doyouhaveanyideawhyhepickedyouforthisassignment?”

Therewasthebarestpausebeforesheanswered.

“No,Idon’t.”

IhadsurvivedtheGeek’sdragonpokergamewatchingotherpeople,andI’mfairlygoodatit.Tome,thathesitationwasadeadgiveaway.Bunnyknewwhyshewashere,shejustwasn’ttelling.

Asifshehadreadmythoughts,astartledlookcameoverherface.

“Hey!Itjustdawnedonme.DoyouthinkI’mtheAx?Believeme,Skeeve,I’mnot.Really!”

Shewasverysincereandverybelievable.Ofcourse,ifIweretheAx,that’sexactlywhatIwouldsayandhowIwouldsayit.

ChapterThirteen:“YourMajestyshouldpayattentiontohisappearance.”

-H.C.ANDERSON

THEREaremanywordstodescribethenextday’soutingintotheBazaar.Unfortunately,noneofthemare‘calm’,‘quiet’,or‘relaxing’.Wordslike‘zoo’,‘circus’,and‘chaos’springmuchmorereadilytomind.

Itstartedbeforeweevenleftourbase...specifically,overwhetherornotweshouldgooutatall.

AahzandMasshamaintainedthatweshouldgotogrounduntilthingsblewover,onthetheorythatitwouldprovidethefewestopportunitiesfortheAxtoattack.GuidoandNunziosidedwiththem,addingtheirowncolorfulphrasestotheproceedings.“Goingtothemattresses”wasoneoftheirfavorites,anexpressionwhichneverceasedtoconjureintriguingimagestomymind.LikeItoldBunny,I’mnottotallypure.

TanandaandChumleytooktheotherside,arguingthatthebestdefenseisasolidoffense.Stayinginside,theyargued,wouldonlymakeussittingducks.TheonlysanethingtodowouldbetogetoutandtrytodeterminejustwhattheAxwasgoingtotry.MarkieandBunnychimedinsupportingthebrother-sisterteam,thoughIsuspectitwasmorefromadesiretoseemoreoftheBazaar.

Afterstayingneutralandlisteningforoveranhourwhilethetwosideswentateachother,Ifinallycastmyvote...infavorofgoingout.Strangelyenough,myreasonsalignedmostcloselywiththoseofBunnyandMarkie:whileIwasmorethanalittleafraidofgoingoutandbeingamovingtarget,Iwasevermoreafraidofbeingcoopedupinsidewithmyownteamwhiletheygotprogressivelymorenervousandshort-temperedwitheachother.

Nosoonerwasthatresolvedthananewargumenterupted,thistimeoverwhowasgoingalong.Obviously,everyonewantedtodo.Justasobviously,if

everybodydid,wewouldlooklikeexactlywhatwewere:astrikeforcelookingfortrouble.Isomehowdidn’tthinkthiswouldassistoureffortstopreservemyreputation.

Afteranotherhourofname-calling,wecameupwithacompromise.Wewouldallgo.Fordiscretionaswellasstrategicadvantage,however,itwasdecidedthatpartoftheteamwouldgoindisguise.Thatis,inadditiontomakingourpartylooksmallerthanitreallywas,itwouldalsoallowourteammatestowatchfromashortdistanceand,moreimportant,listentowhatwasbeingsaidaroundusintheBazaar.Aahz,Tananda,Chumley,Massha,andNunziowouldserveasourscoutsandreserve,whileMarkie,Bunny,Guido,andIwouldactasthebait...aroleIlikedlessthemoreIthoughtaboutit.

Thusitwasthatwefinallysetoutonourmorningstroll...earlyintheafternoon.

OnthesurfacetheBazaarwasunchanged,butitdidn’ttakelongbeforeIbegantonoticesomesubtledifferences.IhadgottensousedtomaintainingdisguisespellsthatIcouldkeepourfivecolleaguesincognitowithoutiteatingintomyconcentration...whichwasjustaswell,becausetherewasalottoconcentrateon.

Apparentlywordofourlastshoppingventurehadspread,andthereactionamongtheDeveelmerchantstoourappearanceinthestallswasmixedandextreme.

Someofthedisplaysclosedabruptlyasweapproached,whileothersrushedtomeetus.Therewere,ofcourse,thosewhotookaneutralstance,neitherclosingnormeetingushalfway,butratherwatchinguscarefullyaswelookedovertheirwares.Whereverwewent,however,InoticedadistinctlackofenthusiasmforthefavoriteBazaarpastimeofhaggling.Priceswereeitherdeclaredfirmorcounteroffersstackedupwithminimumverbiage.Itseemsthat,whiletheystillwantedourmoney,theDeveelsweren’teagertoprolongcontactwithus.

Iwasn’tsureexactlyhowtohandlethesituation.Icouldtakeadvantageoftheirnervousnessanddrivesomeshamelessbargains,orgritmyteethandpaymorethanIthoughttheitemswereworth.Thetroublewasthatneithercoursewoulddomuchtoimprovemyimageintheeyesofthemerchantsorerasethememoryofourlastouting.

Ofcourse,mylifebeingwhatitis,thereweredistractions.

Afterourtalk.Bunnyhaddecidedthatwewerefriendsandattackedhernewrolewiththesameenthusiasmshebroughttoplayingthevamp.Shestillclungtomyarm,mindyou,andfromadistanceprobablystilllookedlikeamoll.Herattention,however,wasnowcenteredonmeinsteadofonherself.

Todayshehaddecidedtovoiceheropinionofmywardrobe.

“Really,Skeeve.We’vegottogetyousomedecentclothes.”

Shehadsomehowmanagedtogetridofhernasalvoiceaswellaswhateveritwasshehadalwaysbeenchewingon.Maybetherewasaconnectionthere.

“What’swrongwithwhatI’mwearing?”

IhadonwhatIconsideredtobeoneofmyspiffieroutfits.Thestripesonthepantsweretwoincheswideandalternatedyellowandlightgreen,whilethetunicwasabrilliantredandpurplepaisleynumber.

“Iwouldn’tknowwheretostart,”shesaid,wrinklinghernose.“Let’sjustsayit’sabitonthegarishside.”

“Youdidn’tsayanythingaboutmyclothesbefore.”

“Right.Before.Asin‘beforewedecidedtobefriends.’Mollsdon’tstayemployedbytellingtheirmenhowtackytheydress.SometimesIthinkoneofthequalificationsforhavingadecorativeladyonyourarmistohavenoornegativeclothessense.”

“Ofcourse,Idon’thavemuchfirsthandknowledge,butaren’tthereafewmollswhodressalittleflamboyantlythemselves?”Isaidarchly.

“True.ButI’llbetifyoucheckedintoit,they’rewearingoutfitstheirmenboughtforthemtodressupin.Whenwewentshopping,youletmedotheselectingandjustpickedupthebill.Alotofmenfigureifthey’repayingthefare,theyshouldhavethefinalsayastowhattheirbaby-dollwears.Let’sfaceit,mollshavetopayattentiontohowtheylookbecausetheirjobsdependonit.Agirlwhodresseslikeasackofpotatoesdoesn’tfindworkasamoll.”

“Soyou’resayingIdresslikeasackofpotatoes?”

“Ifasacklookedlikeyou,itwouldknocktheeyesoutofthepotatoes.”

Igroanedmyappreciation.Heck,ifnoonewasgoingtolaughatmyjokes,whyshouldIlaughattheirs?Ofcourse,Ifiledhercommentawayforfutureuseiftheoccasionshouldarise.

“Seriouslythough,Skeeve,yourproblemisthatyoudresslikeakid.You’vegotsomenicepiecesinyourwardrobe,butnobody’sbotheredtoshowyouhowtowearthem.Brightoutfitsarenice,butyou’vegottobalancethem.Wearingapatternwithamutedsolidaccentsthepattern.Wearingapatternwithapatternistrouble,unlessyoureallyknowwhatyou’redoing.Moreoftenthannot,thepatternsendupfightingeachother...andifthey’reintwodifferentcolorsyou’vegotanall-outwar.Yourclothesshouldcallattentiontoyou,nottothemselves.”

Despitemyindignation,Ifoundmyselfbeingdrawnintowhatshewassaying.Ifthere’sonethingI’velearnedinmyvariousadventures,it’sthatyoutakeinformationwhereyoufindit.

“Let’sseeifI’mfollowingyou,Bunny.Whatyou’resayingisthatjustbuyingniceitems,especiallyonesthatcatchmyeye,isn’tenough.I’vegottowatchhowtheygotogether...trytobuildacoordinatedtotal.Right?”

“That’spartofit,”shenodded.“ButIthinkwe’dbettergobacktosteponeforamomentifwe’regoingtoeducateyouright.First,you’vegottodecideontheimageyouwanttoproject.Yourclothesmakeastatementaboutyou,butyou’vegottoknowwhatthatstatementshouldbe.Now,bankersdependonpeopletrustingthemwiththeirmoney,sotheydressconservativelytogivetheimpressionofdependability.Noonewillgivetheirmoneytoabankerwholookslikehespendshisafternoonsplayingtheponies.Attheotherendofthescale,youhavetheprofessionalentertainers.Theymaketheirmoneygettingpeopletolookatthem,sotheiroutfitsareusuallyflashyandflamboyant.”

Thiswasfascinating.Bunnywasn’ttellingmeathingIhadn’tseenformyself,butshewasdefiningpatternsthathadn’tregisteredonmebefore.Suddenlythewholeclothesthingwasstartingtomakesense.

“SowhatkindofimagedoIproject?”

“Well,sinceyouask,rightnowyoulooklikeoneoftwothings:eithersomeone

who’ssorichandsuccessfulthathedoesn’thavetocarewhatotherpeoplethink,orlikeakidwhodoesn’tknowhowtodress.HereattheBazaar,theyknowyou’resuccessful,sothemerchantsjumptothefirstconclusionanddragouteverygaudyitemtheyhaven’tbeenabletounloadonanyoneelseandfigureiftheypriceithighenough,you’llgoforit.”

“Asuckerorafool,”Imurmured.“Idon’treallyknowwhatimageIwant,butitisn’teitherofthose.”

“Trythisoneonforsize.You’reamagicianforhire,right?Youwanttolookwelloffsoyourclientsknowyou’regoodatwhatyoudo,butnotsorichthatthey’llthinkyou’reoverchargingthem.Youdon’twanttogotooconservative,becauseinpartthey’rebuyingintothemystiqueofmagic,butifyougotooflashyyou’lllooklikeasideshowcharlatan.Inshort,Ithinkyourbestbetistotryfor‘quietpower.’Someonewhoisapartfromtheworkadaycrowd,butwhoissosureofhimselfthathedoesn’thavetoopenlytryforattention.”

“HowdoIlooklikethat?”

“That’swhereBunnycomesin,”shesaidwithawink.“Ifwe’reagreedontheend,I’llfindthemeans.Followme.”

Withthat,sheledmeoffintooneofthemostincredibleshoppingspreesI’veevertakenpartin.SheinsistedthatIchangeintothefirstoutfitwebought:alightblueopen-neckedshirtwithcream-coloredslacksandamatchingneckscarf.Markieprotestedthatshehadlikedtheprettyclothesbetter,butaswemadeourwayfromstalltostall,Inoticedachangeinthemanneroftheproprietors.Theystillseemedalittlenervousaboutourpresence,buttheywerebringingoutacompletelydifferentarrayofclothesforourexamination,andseveralofthemcomplimentedmeonwhatIwaswearing...somethingthathadneverhappenedbefore.

ImustadmitIwasalittlesurprisedathowmuchsomeofthese“simpleandquiet”itemscost,butBunnyassuredmethatthefabricandtheworkmanshipjustifiedtheprice.

“Idon’tunderstandit,”Iquippedatonepoint.“Ithoughtthataccountantswerealltightfisted,andhereyouare:theultimateconsumer.”

“Youdon’tseemereachingformybankroll,doyou?”shepurredback.

“Accountantscandealwithnecessaryexpenses,aslongasit’ssomeoneelse’smoney.Ourmainjobistogetyoumaximumpurchasepowerforyourhard-earnedcash.”

Andsoitwent.WhenIhadtimetothink,itoccurredtomethatifBunnywastheAx,shewasworkingawfullyhardtomakemelookgood.IwasstilltryingtofigureouthowthiscouldfitintoadiabolicalplanwhenIfeltanudgeatmyelbow.Glancingaround,IfoundAahzstandingnexttome.

Now,whenIthrowmydisguisespell,Istillseethepersonastheynormallyare.That’swhyIstartednervouslybeforeIrememberedthattoanyoneelseattheBazaarhelookedlikeafellowshopperexchangingafewwords.

“Niceoutfit,partner,”hesaid.“Itlookslikeyourlittleplaymateisdoingsomeseriousworkonyourwardrobe.”

“Thanks,Aahz.Doyoureallylikeit?”

“Sure.Thereisonelittleitemyoumightaddtoyourlistbeforeweheadforhome.”

“What’sthat?”

“Aboutfivedecksofcards.Whilehemightbeimpressedbyyournewimage,Ithinkit’llmakeabiggerimpactontheKidifyouspendalittletimelearninghowtoplaydragonpokerbeforeyousquareoffwithhim.”

Thatpoppedmybubbleinahurry.Aahzwasright.

ClothesandtheAxaside,therewasonethingIwasgoingtohavetofaceuptosoon,andthatwasashowdownwiththebestdragonpokerplayerinallthedimensions.

ChapterFourteen:“Sometimesluckisn’tenough.”

-L.LUCIANO

“OGRE’Shigh,Skeeve.Yourbet.”

‘Oh!Umm...I’llgoten.”

“Bumpyouten.”

“Out.”

“Twentytome?I’llgotwentyontopofthat.”

“Call.”

Bynow,youshouldknowthatsound.That’sright.Dragonpokerinfullgallop.Thistime,however,itwasafriendlygamebetweenAahz,Tananda,Chumley,andme.Ofcourse,I’musingthephrase“friendly”ratherlooselyhere.

Asidefromoccasionalshoutingmatches,Ihadneverbeeninafightwiththesethreebefore.Thatis,whentherehadbeentrouble,weformedourcirclewiththehornsout,notin.Forthefirsttime,Ifoundmyselfontheoppositesideofaconflictfrommycolleagues,andIwasn’tenjoyingitatall.Realizingthiswasjustagame,andapracticegameatthat,IwassuddenlyverygladIdidn’thavetoofaceanyoneoftheminareallife-and-deathsituation.

Thebanterwasstillthere,buttherewasanedgeonit.

Therewasacloudoftensionoverthetableastheplayersfocusedoneachotherlikecirclingpredators.IthadbeenthereatthegameattheEven-Odds,butthenIwasexpectingit.Onedoesn’texpectsupportorsympathyfromtotalstrangersinacardgame.Thetroublewasthatthesethreewhoweremyclosestfriendswereturningouttobetotalstrangerswhenthechipsweredown..ifyou’llpardonthe

expression.

“Ithinkyou’rebluffing,bigbrother.Upanotherforty.”

Igulpedandpushedanotherstackofmydiminishingpileofchipsintothepot.

“Call.”

“Yougotme,”thetrollshrugged.“Out.”

“Well,Skeeve.Thatleavesyouandme.I’vegotanelf-highflush.”

Shedisplayedherhandandlookedatmeexpectantly.

IturnedmyholecardsoverwithwhatIhopedwasaconfidentflourish.

Silencereignedaseveryonebentforwardtostareatmyhand.

“Skeeve,thisisgarbage,”Tanandasaidatlast.“Aahzfoldedabetterhandthanthiswithouthisholecards.Ihadyoubeatontheboard.”

“Whatshe’stryingtosay,partner,”Aahzsmirked,“isthatyoushouldhaveeitherfoldedorraised.Callingthebetwhenthecardsshehasshowingbeatyourhandisjusttossingawaymoney.”

“Okay,okay!Igetthepoint.”

“Doyou?You’vestillgotaboutfiftychipsthere.Areyousureyoudon’twanttowaituntilyou’velostthose,too?Ofmaybeweshouldredividethechipsandstartover...again.”

“Lightenup,Aahz,”Tanandaordered.“Skeevehadasystemthathadworkedforhimbefore.Whyshouldn’thewanttotryitoutbeforebeingforce-fedsomethingnew?”

Whattheywerereferringtowasmyoriginalresistancetotakinglessonsindragonpoker.IhadprettymuchdecidedtohandletheupcominggamethesamewayIhadplayedthegameattheEven-Oddsratherthantrytocrash-learntherules.Aftersomediscussion(readas:argument)itwasagreedthatweshouldplayademonstrationgamesothatIcouldshowmycoacheshowwellmy

systemworked.

Well,Ishowedthem.

IcouldreadAahzprettywell,possiblybecauseIknewhimsointimately.ChumleyandTananda,though,threwmeforaloop.Iwasunabletopickupanysortofgiveawaycluesintheirspeechormanner,norcouldImanagetodetectanyapparentrelationshipbetweentheirbettingandwhattheywereholding.InadepressinglyshortperiodoftimeIhadbeencleanedoutofmystartingallotmentofchips.Thenwedivviedthestacksupagainandstartedover...withthesameresults.Wewerenowclosinginontheendofthethirdround,andIwasreadytothrowinthetowel.

AsmuchasIwouldhavelikedtotellmyselfthatIwashavingabadrunofcardsorthatwehadplayedtoofewhandstosetthepatterns,thehorribletruthwasthatIwassimplyout-classed.Imean,usuallyIcouldspotifaplayerhadagoodhand.Thenthequestionwas“howgood,”ormorespecifically,ifhiswasbetterthanmine.

Ofcourse,thesamewentforweakhands.Idependedonbeingabletodetectaplayerwhowasbettingahandthatneededdevelopmentorifhewassimplybettingthattheotherhandintheroundwoulddevelopworsethanhis.Inthis“demonstrationgame,”however,Iwascaughtflatfootedagainandagain.ToomanytimesahandthatIhadfiguredforguts-nothingturnedouttobeapowerhouse.

Tosaytheleast,itwasdepressing.Thesewereplayerswhowouldn’tdreamofchallengingtheSen-SenAnteKidthemselves,andtheywerecleaningmyclockwithouthalftrying.

“IknowwhenI’mlicked,Aahz,”Isaid.“Evenifitdoestakemealittlelongerthanmost.I’mreadytotakethoselessonsyouoffered...ifyoustillthinkitwilldoanygood.”

“Sureitwill,partner.Attheveryleast,Idon’tthinkitcanhurtyourgame,iftonight’sbeenanaccuratesample.”

TrustaPervecttoknowjustwhattosaytocheeryouup.

“Comeon,Aahzoldboy,”Chumleyinterrupted.“Skeevehereisdoingthebest

hecan.He’sjusttryingtohangoninabadsituation...likewealldo.Let’snotmakeitanyrougherforhim.Hmmm?”

“Isupposeyou’reright.”

“AndwatchcommentslikethatwhenMarkie’saround,”Tanandaputin.“She’sgotabadcaseofhero-worshipforhernewdaddy,andweneedhimasanauthorityfiguretokeepherinline.”

“SpeakingofMarkie,”mypartnergrimaced,peeringaround,“whereisourportabledisasterarea?”

Thetailendofourshoppingexpeditionhadnotgonewell.Markie’smoodseemedtodeteriorateasthedayworeon.Twiceweweresavedfromtotaldisasteronlybytimelyinterventionbyourspotterswhenshestartedtogetparticularlyupset.Notwishingtopushourluck,Icalledahalttotheexcursion,whichalmosttriggeredanothertantrumfrommyyoungward.Iwonderedifotherparentshadeverhadshoppingtripscutshortbyacrankychild.

“She’soffsomewherewithBunnyandthebodyguards.IthoughtthissessionwouldberoughenoughwithouttheaddeddistractionofMarkiecheeringforherdaddy.”

“Goodcall,”Chumleysaid.“Well,enoughchitchat.Shallwehaveatit?”

“Right!”Aahzdeclared,rubbinghishandstogetherasheleanedforward.“Now,thefirstthingwehavetodoistightenupyourbetterstrategy.Ifyoukeep...”

“Umm...Aren’tyougettingalittleaheadofyourself,Aahz?”Tanandainterrupted.

“Howso?”

“Don’tyouthinkitwouldbeniceifwetaughthimthesequenceofhandsfirst?It’saloteasiertobetwhenyouknowwhetherornotyourhandisanygood.”

“Oh.Yeah.Ofcourse.”

“Letmehandlethispart,Aahz,”thetrollvolunteered.“Nowthen,Skeeve.Theascendingsequenceofhandsisasfollows:

HighCard

OnePair

TwoPair

ThreeOfAKind

ThreePair

FullHouse(ThreeOfAKindplusaPair)

FourOfAKind

Flush

Straight(thoselasttwoarerankedhigherandreversedbecauseofthesixthcard)

FullBelly(twosetsofThreeOfAKind)

FullDragon(FourOfaKindplusaPair)

StraightFlush

Haveyougotthat?”

Halfanhourlater,Icouldalmostgetthroughthelistwithoutreferringtomycribsheet.Bythattime,myteachers’enthusiasmwasnoticeablydimmed.IdecidedtopushontothenextlessonbeforeIlostthemcompletely.

“Closeenough,”Ideclared.“Icanboneupontheseonmyowntime.Wheredowegofromhere?HowmuchshouldIbetonthehands?”

“Notsofast,”Aahzsaid.“First,you’vegottofinishlearningaboutthehands,”

“Youmeantherearemore?Ithought...”

“No.You’vegotallthehands...orwillhave,withalittlepractice.Nowyou’vegottolearnaboutconditionalmodifiers.”

“Conditionalmodifiers?”Iechoedweakly.

“Sure.Without‘em,dragonpokerwouldbejustanotherstraightforwardgame.AreyoustartingtoseewhyIdidn’twanttotakethetimebeforetoteachyou?”

Inoddedsilently,staringatmylistofcardhandsthatIsomehowhadafeelingwasabouttobecomemorecomplex.

“Cheerup,Skeeve,”Chumleysaidgaily,clappingmeontheshoulder.“Thisisgoingtobeeasierthanifweweretryingtoteachyouthewholegame.”

“Itis?”Iblinked,perkingupslightly.

“Sure.Yousee,theconditionalmodifiersdependoncertainvariables,likethedayoftheweek,thenumberofplayers,chairposition,thingslikethat.Nowsincethismatchisprearranged,weknowwhatmostofthosevariableswillbe.Forexample,therewillonlybethetwoofyouplaying,andasthechallengedpartyyouhaveyourchoiceofchairs...picktheonefacingsouth,incidentally.”

“Whatmybigbrotheristryingtosayinhisownclumsyway,”Tanandainterruptedbysqueezingmyarmsoftly,“isthatyoudon’thavetolearnalltheconditionalmodifiers.JusttheonesthatwillbeineffectforyourgamewiththeKid.”

“Oh.Igetit.Thanks,Chumley.Thatmakesmefeelalotbetter.”

“Right-o.Therecan’tbemorethanadozenortwothatwillbepertinent.”

ThereliefIhadbeenfeelingturnedcoldinsideme.

“Twodozenconditionalmodifiers?”

“C’mon,bigbrother.Therearen’tthatmany.”

“IwasgoingtosayIthoughthewasunderestimating,”Aahzgrinned.

“Well,let’sbloodywellcountthemoffandsee.”

“Reddragonswillbewildoneven-numberedhands....”

“...Butunicornswillbewildallevening....”

“...Thecorps-a-corpshandwillbeinvalidallnight,that’swhywedidn’tbother

tolistit,partner....”

“...Onceanight,aplayercanchangethesuitofoneofhisupcards....”

“...Everyfivehands,thesequenceofcardsisreversed,sothelowcardsarehighandvice-versa....”

“...Threeswillbedeadallnightandtreatedasblankcards....”

“...Andonceafour-of-a-kindisplayed,thatcardvalueisalsodead....”

“...Unlessit’sawildcard,thenitsimplyceasestobewildandcanbeplayednormally....”

“...Ifthere’satenshowinginthefirsttwoface-upcardsineachhand,thensevenswillbedead....”

“...Unlessthereisasecondtenshowing,thenitcancelsthefirst....”

“...Ofcourse,ifthefirstcardturnedfaceupinaroundisanOgre,theroundwillbeplayedwithanextraholecard,fourfaceupandfivefacedown....”

“...Anaturalhandbeatsahandofequalvaluebuiltwithwildcards....”

“Hey-that’snotaconditionalmodifier.That’saregularrule.”

“Itwillbeineffect,won’tit?Someoftheconditionalmodifiersnullifystandingrules,soIthoughtweshould...”

“AREYOUPUTTINGMEON?!!”

Theconversationstoppedonadimeasmycoachesturnedtostareatme.

“Imean,thisisajoke.Right?”

“No,partner,”Aahzsaidcarefully.“Thisiswhatdragonpokerisallabout.LikeChumleysaid,justbethankfulyou’reonlyplayingonenightandgettolearntheabbreviatedlist.”

“ButhowamIsupposedtostandachanceinthisgame?I’mnotevengoingtobeabletorememberalltherules.”

Anawkwardsilencecameoverthetable.

“I...uhh...thinkyou’vemissedthepoint,Skeeve,”Tanandasaidatlast.“Youdon’tstandachance.TheKidisthebestthereis.There’snowayyoucanlearnenoughinafewdaysorafewyearstoevengivehimarunforhismoney.Allwe’retryingtodoisteachyouenoughsothatyouwon’tembarrassyourself-asinruinthereputationoftheGreatSkeeve-whilehewhittlesawayatyourstake.You’vegottoatleastlooklikeyouknowwhatyou’redoing.Otherwiseyoucomeacrossasafoolwhodoesn’tknowenoughtoknowhowlittleheknows.”

Ithoughtaboutthatforafew.

“Doesn’tthatdescriptionactuallyfitmetoa‘T’?”

“Ifso,let’skeepitinthefamily.Okay?”mypartnerwinked,punchingmeplayfullyontheshoulder.“Cheerup,Skeeve.Insomewaysitshouldbefun.There’snothinglikecompetinginagamewithoutthepressuretowintoletyourole-playtothehilt.”

“Sure,Aahz.”

“Okay,solet’sgetbacktoit.Justlistenthistimearound.We’llgooveritagainslowerlatersoyoucanwriteitalldown.”

Withthat,theylaunchedintoitagain.

Ilistenedwithhalfanear,allthewhileexaminingmyfeelings.IhadgoneintothefirstgameattheEven-Oddsexpectingtolose,butIhadbeenviewingthatasasocialevening.ItwasbeyondmyabilitiestokidmyselfintobelievingthismatchwiththeKidwasgoingtobesocial.

AsmuchasIrespectedtheviewsofmyadvisors,IwashavingalotoftroubleacceptingtheideathatIwouldhelpmyreputationbylosing.Theywereright,though,thatIcouldn’tgracefullyrefusethechallenge.IfIdidn’tstandachanceofwinning,thentheonlyoptionleftwastolosegracefully.Right?

TryasImight,though,Icouldn’tstillalittlevoiceinthebackofmymindthatkepttellingmethattheidealsolutionwouldbetotaketheKidtothecleaners.Ofcourse,thatwasimpossible.Right?Right?

ChapterFifteen:“IneedallthefriendsIcanget.”

-QUASIMODO

WHILEmylifemayseemconvolutedanddepressingattimes,atleastthereisonebeingwhoneverturnsfrommeinmyhoursofneed.

“Gleep!”

I’veneverunderstoodhowadragon’stonguecanbeslimyandsandpaperyatthesametime,butitis.Well,atleasttheonebelongingtomydragonis.

“Down,fella...dow...hey!C’mon,Gleep.Stopit!”

“Gleep!”mypetdeclaredashedeftlydodgedmyhandsandleftonemoreslimytrailacrossmyface.Obedienttoafault.Theysayyoucanjudgeaman’sleadershipabilitybyhowwellhehandlesanimals.

“Darnit,Gleep!Thisisserious!”

I’veoftentriedtoconvinceAahzthatmydragonactuallyunderstandswhatIsay.Whetherthatwasthecasehereorifhewasjustsensitivetomytone,Gleepsankbackonhishaunchesandcockedhisheadattentively.

“That’sbetter,”Isighed,daringtobreathethroughmynoseagain.Dragonshavenotoriouslybadbreath(hencetheexpression“dragonmouth”),andmypet’sdisplaysofaffectionhadtheunfortunatesideeffectofmakingmefeelmorethanslightlyfaint.Ofcourse,evenbreathingthroughmymouth,Icouldstilltasteit.

“Yousee,I’vegotaproblem...well,severalproblems,andIthoughtmaybetalkingthemoutwithoutbeinginterruptedmight...”

“Gleep!”

Thetongueslickedoutagain,thistimecatchingmewithmymouthopen.WhileIlovemypet,therearetimesIwishhewere...smaller.Timeslikethis...andwhenIhavetocleanouthislitterbox.

“YouwantIshouldleanonthedragonforyou,Boss?”

IlookedaroundanddiscoveredNunziosittingononeofthegardenbenches.

“Oh.Hi,Nunzio.Whatareyoudoinghere?IthoughtyouandGuidousuallymadeyourselfscarcewhenIwasexercisingGleep.”

“That’susually,”thebodyguardshrugged.“Mycousinandme,wetalkeditoveranddecidedwiththisAxfellaontheloosethatoneofusshouldstickwithyouallthetime,knowwhatImean?Rightnowit’smyshift,andI’llbehangin’tight...nomatterwhatyou’redoin’.”

“Iappreciatethat,butIdon’tthinkthere’sanydangerofgettinghithere.IalreadydecidednottotakeGleepoutsideuntilthecoastisclear.Nosensetemptingfate.”

Thatwasatleastpartiallytrue.WhatIhadreallydecidedwasthatIdidn’twanttogivetheAxachancetostrikeatmethroughmypet.Aahzalreadycomplainedenoughabouthavingadragoninresidencewithoutaddingfueltothefire.Ofcourse,ifmysuspicionswerecorrectandBunnywastheAx...

“Bettersafethansorry...andyoudidn’tanswermyquestion.YouwantIshouldleanonthedragon?”

Sometimesthelogicofbodyguardseludedmecompletely.

“No.Imean,whyshouldyouleanonGleep?Youlookcomfortablewhereyouare.”

Nunziorolledhiseyes.“Idon’tmean‘leanonhim’likereallyleanonhim.Imean,doyouwantmetobendhimalittle?Youknow,roughhimupsome.Istayouttathingsbetweenyouandyourpartner,butyoushouldn’thavetoputupwiththatkindofgufffromadragon.”

“He’sjustbeingfriendly.”

“Friendly,schmendly.FromwhatI’veseen,you’reinmoredangerfromgettingknockedoffbyyourownpetthanbyanyoneelseI’veseenattheBazaar.AllI’veeveraskedisthatyouletmedomyjob...Iamsupposedtobeguardin’yourbody,ya’know.That’showmypositiongotitsloftytitle.”

Notforthefirsttime,IwasimpressedbyNunzio’stotaldevotiontohiswork.ForamomentIwastemptedtolethimdowhathewanted.Atthelastminute,though,animageflashedthroughmymindofmyoutsizedbodyguardandmydragongoingatithammerandtongsinthemiddleofthegarden.

“Umm...thanks,butIthinkI’llpass,Nunzio.Gleepcanbeapainsometimes,butIkindoflikehimjumpingallovermeonceinawhile.Itmakesmefeelloved.Besides,Iwouldn’twanttoseehimgethurt...oryoueither,forthatmatter.”

“Jumpin’uponyouisonething.Doin’itwhenyoudon’twanthimtoissompin’else.Besides,Iwouldn’thurthim.I’djust...here,letmeshowyou!”

BeforeIcouldstophim,hewasonhisfeet,takingastraddle-leggedstancefacingmydragon.

“C’mere,Gleep.C’mon.fella.”

Mypet’sheadsnappedaround,thenhewentboundingtowardwhathethoughtwasanewplaymate.

“Nunzio.I...”

Justasthedragonreachedhim,mybodyguardheldoutahand,palmoutward.

“Stop,Gleep!Sit!IsaidSIT!!”

WhathappenednextIhadtoreconstructlaterfromreplayingmymemory,ithappenedsofast.

Nunzio’shandsnakedoutandclosedoverGleep’ssnout.Withajerkhepulledthenosedownuntilitwasundermypet’shead,thenpushedupsharply.

Inmid-stridethedragon’shaunchesdroppedintoasittingpositionandhestopped,allthewhilebattinghiseyelashesinbewilderment.

“Nowstay.Stay!!”

Mybodyguardcarefullyopenedhishandandsteppedback,holdinghispalmflatinfrontofmypet’sface.

Gleepquiveredslightlybutdidn’tbudgefromhissittingposition.

“See,Boss?He’llmind,”Nunziocalledoverhisshoulder.“Yajustgottabefirmwithhim.”

Isuddenlyrealizedmyjawwasdanglingsomewherearoundmyknees.“What...that’sincredible,Nunzio!Howdidyou...whatdidyou...”

“Iguessyouneverknew,”hegrinned,“Iusedtabeananimaltrainer...mostlythenastyonesforshows,knowwhatImean?”

“Ananimaltrainer?”

“Yeah.Itseemedlikealogicalextensionofbein’aschoolteacher...onlywithouttheparentstoworryabout.”

Ihadtositdown.BetweenthedemonstrationwithGleepandthesuddeninsighttohisbackground,Nunziohadmybrainonoverload.

“Ananimaltrainerandaschoolteacher.”

“That’sright.Say,youwantIshouldworkwithyourdragonsomemorenowthathe’squieteddown?”

“No.Lethimrunforawhile.Thisissupposedtobehisexercisetime.”

“You’retheBoss.”

HeturnedtowardGleepandclappedhishandssharply.Thedragonboundedbackwards,thencrouchedclosetotheground,readytoplay.

“Getit,boy!”

Movingwithsurprisingbelievability,thebodyguardscoopedanimaginaryballfromthegroundandpretendedtothrowittothefarendofthegarden.

Gleepspunaroundandsprintedoffinthedirectionofthe“throw,”flatteningabenchandtwoshrubsashewent.

“Simplyamazing,”Imurmured.

“Ididn’tmeantobuttin,”Nunziosaid,sinkingintotheseatbesideme.“Itjustlookedlikeyouwantedtotalkandyourdragonwantedtofrolic.”

“It’sallright.I’drathertalktoyou,anyway.”

Iwasmoderatelyastoundedtodiscoverthiswastrue.

I’dalwaysbeenabitofaloner,butlatelyitseemedInotonlywasabletotalktopeople,Ienjoyedit.Ihopeditwouldn’tseriouslychangemyfriendshipwithGleep.

“Me?Sure,Boss.Whatdidyouwanttotalkabout?”

“Oh,nothingspecial.IguessIjustrealizedwe’veneverreallytalked,justthetwoofus.Tellme,howdoyoulikeouroperationhere?”

“It’sokay,Iguess.Neverreallythoughtaboutitmuch.It’snotyourrun-of-the-millMoboperation,thatmuchisforsure.Yougotsomestrangepeoplehangin’aroundyou...butthey’renice.I’dgivemyrightarmforanyoneofthem,they’resonice.That’sdifferentrightthere.Mostoutfits,everybody’stryin’togetahead...sotheyspendmoretimewatchin’eachotherthantheydoscopin’theopposition.Here,everybodycoversforeachotherinsteadofnudgingtheotherguyout.”

“Doyouwanttogetahead,Nunzio?”

“Yesandno,knowwhatImean?Idon’twanttobedoin’thesamethingtherestofmylife,butI’mnotpushytogettothetop.Actually,Ikindalikeworkin’forsomeoneelse.Iletthemmakethebigdecisions,thenallIgottadoisfigureouthowtomakemyparthappen.”

“Youcertainlydoyourpartaroundhere,”Inodded.“Ineverknewbeforehowhardabodyguardworks.”

“Really?Gee,it’sgoodtohearyousaythat.Boss.SometimesGuidoandme,

wefeellikedeadweightaroundhere.Maybethat’swhyweworksohardtodoourjobs.IneverthoughtmuchaboutwhetherIdoordon’tlikeithere.Imean,IgowhereI’massignedanddowhatI’mtold,soitdoesn’tmatterwhatIthink.Right?WhatIdoknow,though,isthatI’dberealsorryifIhadtoleave.Nobody’severtreatedmelikeyouandyourcrewdo.”

NunziomightnotbeanintellectualgiantortheswiftestwithI’veknown,butIfoundhissimplehonestytouching...nottomentiontheloyaltyitimplied.

“Well,you’vegotajobhereaslongasI’vegotanythingtosayaboutit.”Iassuredhim.

“Thanks,Boss.Iwasstartin’togetalittletiredofhowtheMoboperates,knowwhatImean?”Thatrangabellinmymind.

“Speakingofthat,Nunzio,doyouthinktheMobwouldevergetinvolvedwithsomethinglikethischaracterassassinationthing?”

Thebodyguard’sbrowfurrowedwiththeeffortofthinking.

“Naw!”hesaidatlast.“Mostlypeoplepayusnottodothings.Ifwedohavetodoanumberonsomeone,it’susuallytomakeanexampleofthemandwedosomethingflashylikeburndowntheirhouseorbreaktheirlegs.Whowouldknowitifwewreckedtheircareer?WhatTanandawassayin’abouttheAxwasinteresting,butit’sjustnotourstyle.”

“Notevenfortherightprice?”Iurged.“HowmuchdoyouthinkitwouldtaketogetDonBrucetosendsomeoneinhereafterus?”

“Idunno.I’dhavetosayatleast...waitaminute!Areyouaskin’ifBunny’stheAx?”

“Well,shedid...”

“Forgetit.Boss.Evenifshecouldhandlethejob,whichI’mnottoosureshecould,DonBrucewouldneversendherafteryou.Heck,you’reoneofhisfavoritechieftainsrightnow.Youshouldhearhim...”

Nunziosuddenlypressedhispalmsagainsthischeekstomakeexaggeratedjowlsashespoke.“...DatSkeeve,he’sreallygotitontheball,knowwhatI

mean?Mercy!IfIhadahundredlikehimIcouldtakeoverdiswholeorganization.”

HisimitationofDonBrucewassoperfectIhadtolaugh.

“That’sgreat,Nunzio.Hasheeverseenyoudothat?”

“I’mstillemployedandbreathin’,aren’tI?”hewinked.“Seriously,though.You’rebarkin’upthewrongtreewithBunny.Believeme,you’retheappleofheruncle’seyerightnow.”

“Isupposeyou’reright,”Isighed.“Ifyouare,though,itleavesmerightbackwhereIstarted.WhoistheAxandwhatcan...”

“Higuys!Isthataprivateconversation,orcananyonejoin?”

WeglanceduptofindBunnyandMarkieenteringthegarden.

“C’monover.Bunny!”Iwaved,nudgingNunzioslightlyintheribs.“Wewerejustgoingto...”

“GLEEP!!!”

Suddenlymydragonwasinfrontofme.Crouchingandtense,hedidn’tlookplayfulatall.Ihadonlyseenhimlikethisacoupleoftimesbefore,andthen...

“STOPIT,GLEEP!GLEEP!!!”Iscreamed,realizingtoolatewhatwasabouttohappen.

Fortunately,NunziowasquickerthanIwas.Fromhissittingpositionhethrewhimselfforwardinabodycheckagainstmypet’sneck,justasthedragonletloosewithastreamoffire.Theflamesleaptforwardtoharmlesslyscorchawall.

BunnysweptMarkiebehindherwithonearm.

“Geez!Whatwas...”

“I’llgethim!”Markiecried,ballingupherfists.

“MARKIE!!STOP!!”

“ButDaddy...”

“Justholdit.Okay?Nunzio?”

“I’vegothim,Boss,”hecalled,bothhandswrappedsecurelyaroundGleep’ssnoutasthedragonstruggledtogetfree.

“Bunny?YouandMarkiegetinside!Now!!!”

Thetwoofthemhurriedfromsight,andIturnedmyattentiontomypet.

Gleepseemedtohavecalmeddownasfastashehadexploded,nowthatBunnyandMarkieweregone.Nunziowasstrokinghernecksoothinglywhilestaringatmeinwide-eyedamazement.

“Idunnowhathappenedthere,Boss,butheseemsokaynow.”

“Whathappened,”Isaidgrimly,“wasGleeptryingtoprotectmefromsomethingorsomeonehesawasathreat.”

“ButBoss...”

“LookNunzio,Iknowyoumeanwell,butGleepandIgobackalongway.ItrusthisinstinctsmorethanIdomyownjudgment.”

“But...”

“Iwantyoutodotwothingsrightaway.First,putGleepbackinhisstable...Ithinkhe’shadenoughexerciseforoneday.ThengetwordtoDonBruce.Iwanttohavealittletalkwithhimabouthis‘present’!”

ChapterSixteen:“Ithoughtwewerefriends!”

-BANQUO

“ITELLyou,partner,thisiscrazy!”

“Likeheckitis!”

“Bunnycan’tbetheAx!She’saspacecadet.”

“That’swhatshe’dlikeustothink.Ifoundoutdifferent!”

“Really?How?”

“By...well,bytalkingtoher.”

IspottedtheflawinmylogicassoonasIsaidit,andAahzwasn’tfarbehind.

“Skeeve,”hesaidsolemnly,“hasitoccurredtoyouthatifshe’stheAxandyou’rehertarget,thatyouwouldprobablybethelastpersonshewouldrelaxaround?DoyoureallythinkyoucouldtrickherintogivingawayherI.Q.inasimpleconversation?”

“Well...maybeshewasbeingclever.Itcouldbethatitwasherwayoftryingtothrowusoffthetrack.”

Mypartnerdidn’tsayanythingtothat.Hejustcockedhisheadandraisedoneeyebrowveryhigh.

“Itcouldbe,”Irepeatedlamely.

“C’mon,Skeeve.Give.”

“What?”

“Evenyouneedmoreevidencethanthatbeforeyougooffhalf-cocked.Whatareyouholdingback?”

Hehadme.IwasjustafraidthathewasgoingtofindmyrealreasonevenlessbelievablethantheoneIhadalreadystated.

“Okay,”Isaidwithasigh.“Ifyoureallywanttoknow,whatfinallyconvincedmewasthatGleepdoesn’tlikeher.”

“Gleep?Youmeanthatstupiddragonofyours?ThatGleep?”

“Gleepisn’tst...”

“Partner,yourdragondoesn’tlikeme!Thatdoesn’tmakemetheAx!!”

“He’snevertriedtofryyou,either!”

Thatonestoppedhimforamoment.“Hedidthat?HereallyletflyatBunny?”

“That’sright.IfNunziohadn’tbeenthere...”

Asifsummonedbythementionofhisname,thebodyguardstuckhisheadintotheroom.

“Hey,Boss!DonBruceishere.”

“Showhimin.”

“Istillthinkyou’remakingamistake,”Aahzwarned,leaningagainstawall.

“Maybe,”Isaidgrimly.“WithluckI’llgetDonBrucetoconfirmmysuspicionsbeforeIshowmycards.”

“ThisI’vegottosee.”

“Thereyouare,Skeeve.Theboyssaidyouwantedtoseeme.”

DonBruceistheMob’sfairygodfather.I’veneverseenhimdressedinanythingthatwasn’tlavender,andtodaywasnoexception.Hisensembleincludedshorts,sandals,afloppybrimmedhat,andasportsshirtwithlargedarkpurpleflowersprintedalloverit.MaybemywardrobesessionswithBunnyweremakingme

overlysensitiveonthesubjectofclothes,buthisattirehardlyseemedappropriateforoneofthemostpowerfulmenintheMob.

Evenhisdarkglasseshadvioletlenses.

“Youknow,thisisquiteaplaceyougothere.Neverbeenherebefore,butIheardalotaboutitintheyearlyreport.Itdoesn’tlookthisbigfromtheoutside.”

“Weliketokeepalowprofile,”Isaid.

“Yeah,Iknow.It’slikeIkeeptellin’‘embackatMobCentral,yourunaclassoperation.Ilikethat.Makesusalllookgood.”

Iwasstartingtofeelalittleuncomfortable.ThelastthingIwantedtodiscusswithDonBrucewasourcurrentoperation.

“Likesomewine?”Aahzchimedin,comingtomyrescue.

“It’salittleearly,butwhynot?So!Whatisityouwantedtoseemeabout?”

“It’saboutBunny.”

“Bunny?Ohyeah.How’ssheworkin’out?”

EvenifIhadn’talreadybeensuspicious,DonBruce’sresponsewouldhaveseemedoverlycasual.Aahzcaughtittoo,raisinghiseyebrowagainashepouredthewine.

“Ithoughtweshouldhavealittlechataboutwhyyousentherhere.”

“What’stochatabout?Youneededamoll,andIfigured...”

“Imeantherealreason.”

Ourguestpaused,glancedbackandforthbetweenAahzandmeacoupleoftimes,thenshruggedhisshoulders.“Shetoldyou,huh?Funny,Iwouldhavethoughtthatwasonesecretshewouldhavekept.”

“Actually,Ifigureditoutallbymyself.Infact,whenthesubjectcameup,shedeniedit.”

“Alwayssaidyouweresmart,Skeeve.NowIseeyou’resmartenoughtogetmetoadmittowhatyoucouldn’ttrickoutofBunny.Prettygood.”

IshotatriumphantglanceatAahz,whowassuddenlyverybusywiththewine.DespitemyfeelingofvictoryoverhavingpuzzledouttheidentityoftheAx,Iwasstillmorethanalittleannoyed.

“WhatIcan’tfigureout,”Isaid,“iswhyyoutrieditinthefirstplace.I’vealwaysplayeditprettystraightwithyou.”

AtleastDonBrucehadthegracetolookembarrassed.“Iknow,Iknow.Itseemedlikeagoodideaatthetime,isall.Iwasinabitofaspot,anditseemedlikeaharmlesswayout.”

“Harmless?Harmless!That’smywholelifeandcareerwe’retalkingabout.”

“Hey!C’mon,Skeeve.Aren’tyouexaggeratingalittlebitthere!Idon’tthink...”

“Exaggerating??”

“Well,Istillthinkyou’dmakeagoodhusbandforher...”

“Exaggerating?Aahz,areyoulisteningto...”

AsIturnedtoappealtomypartner,Inoticedhewaslaughingsohardhewasspillingthewine.OfallthereactionsImighthaveexpectedfromhim,laughingwasn’t...

Thenithitme.

“Husband?!?!?”

“Ofcourse.Isn’tthatwhatwe’vebeentalkin’about?”

“SkeeveherethinksthatyournieceistheAxandthatyouturnedherlooseonhimtodestroyhiscareer,”mypartnermanagedbetweengasps.

“TheAx???”

“HUSBAND????”

“Areyoucrazy??”

“Oneofusis!!”

“Howaboutboth?”Aahzgrinned,steppingbetweenus.“Wine,anyone?”

“Buthesaid...”

“Whatabout...”

“Gentlemen,gentlemen.It’sclearthatcommunicationshavegottenalittlefouledupbetweenthetwoofyou.Isuggestyoueachtakesomewineandwe’llstartalloveragainfromthetop.”

Almostmechanically,webothreachedforthewine,eyeingeachotherallthewhilelikeangrycats.

“Verygood,”mypartnernodded.“Nowthen,DonBruce,asthevisitingteamIbelieveyouhavefirstserve.”

“What’sthisabouttheAx!?!”themobsterdemanded^leaningforwardsosuddenlyhalfthewinesloshedoutofhisglass.

“YouknowwhotheAxis??”

“Iknowwhatheis!Thequestionis,whatdoeshehavetodowithyouandBunny?”

“We’reheardrecentlythatsomeone’shiredtheAxtodoanumberonSkeeve,”Aahzsupplied.

“...RightaboutthesametimeBunnyshowedup,”Iadded.

“Andthat’ssupposedtomakehertheAx?”

“Well,therehasbeensometroublesinceshearrived.”

“Likewhat?”

“Well...TanandaleftbecauseofthingsthatweresaidwhenshefoundoutthatBunnywasinmybedroomonemorning.”

“Tananda?ThesameTanandathatsaid‘Hi’tomewhenIwalkedinheretoday?”

“She...ummm...cameback.”

“Isee.Whatelse?”

“Shescaredoffmygirlfriend.”

“Girlfriend?Yougotagirlfriend?”

“Well,notexactly...butImighthavehadoneifBunnywasn’there.”

“Uh-huh.Aahz,haven’tyouevertoldhimthe‘birdinthehand’story?”

“Itry,butheisn’tbigonlistening.”

Icanalwayscountonmypartnertorallytomydefenseintimesofcrisis.

“Whatelse?”

“Ummm...”

“Tellhim!”Aahzsmiled.

“Tellmewhat?”

“Mydragondoesn’tlikeher.”

“I’mnotsurprised.She’snevergottenalongwithanimals...atleastthefour-footedkind.Idon’tseewherethatmakeshertheAx,though.”

“It’s...it’sjustthatontopoftheotherevidence...”

MyvoicetrailedoffinfrontofDonBruce’sstonystare.

“Youknow,Skeeve,”hesaidatlast.“AsmuchasIlikeyou,therearetimes,likenow,Iwishyouwasontheothersideofthelaw.IftheD.A.sputtogetheracaselikeyoudo,wecouldcutourbribebudgetbyninetypercent,andourattorney’sfeesbyahundredpercent!”

“But...”

“Nowlistenclose,‘causeI’monlygoin’togooverthisonce.You’retherepresentativefortheMob,andme,hereattheBazaar.Ifyoulookbad,thenwelookbad.Gotit?Whatpossiblesensewoulditmakeforustohiresomeonetomakeyou,andus,lookbad?”

Ontheropes,IglancedatAahzforsupport.

“ThatwasgoingtobethenextquestionIwasgoingtoask,partner.”

Terrific.

“Well,”DonBruceannounced,standingup.“Ifthat’ssettled,IguessIcangonow.”

“Notsofast,”mypartnersmiled,holdingupahand.“There’sstillthematterofthequestionthatSkeeveasked:ifBunnyisn’ttheAx,what’sshedoinghere?Whatwasthatyouweresayingaboutahusband?”

Themobstersankbackintohischairandreachedforhiswine,allthewhileavoidingmyeyes.

“I’mnotgettin’anyyounger,”hesaid.“SomedayI’mgoin’toretire,andIthoughtIshouldmaybestartlookin’aroundforareplacement.It’salwaysnicetohave‘eminthefamily...therealfamily,Imean,andsinceIgotanunmarriedniece...”

“Whoa!Waitaminute,”Aahzinterrupted.“Areyousayingthatyou’reconsideringSkeeveasyoureventualreplacementintheMob?”

“It’sapossibility.Whynot?LikeIsaid,herunsaclassoperationandhe’ssmart...atleastIusedtothinkso.”

“DonBruceI...Idon’tknowwhattosay,”Isaidhonestly.

“Thendon’tsaynothin’!”herespondedgrimly.“Whatever’sgoin’tohappenisalongwayoff.That’swhyIdidn’tsayanythingtoyoudirect.I’mnotreadytoretireyet.”

“Oh.”Ididn’tknowwhethertofeeldisappointmentorrelief.

“AboutBunny?”mypartnerprompted.

Themobstershrugged.“What’stosaythathasn’talreadybeensaid?She’smyniece,he’soneofmyfavoritechieftains.Ithoughtitwouldbeagoodideatoput‘emclosetoeachotherandseeifanythinghappened.”

“I...Idon’tknow,”Isaidthoughtfully.“Imean,Bunny’sniceenough...especiallynowthatIknowsheisn’ttheAx.Ijustdon’tthinkI’mreadytogetmarriedyet.”

“Didn’tsayyouwere,”DonBruceshrugged.“Don’tgetmewrong,Skeeve.I’mnottryin’topushyouintothis.Iknowit’lltaketime.LikeIsaid,Ijustfixeditsoyoutwocouldmeetandseeifanythingdevelops...that’sall.Ifitworksout,fine.Ifitdoesn’t,alsofine.I’mnotabouttotrytoforcethingsorkidmyselfthatyoutwowillmakeapairifyouwon’t.Ifnothingelse,you’vegotaprettygoodaccountantwhileyoufindout...andfromlookin’overyourfinancialfiguresyoucoulduseone.”

“Izzatso?”

HehadfinallytweakedAahzclosetohome...orhiswallet,whichinhiscaseisthesamething.

“What’swrongwithourfinances?We’redoingokay.”

“Okayisn’tsoarin’.Youboysgotnoplan.ThewayIseeit,you’vespentsomuchtimelivin’hand-to-mouthyou’veneverlearnedwhattodowithmoneyexceptstackitandspendit.Bunnycanshowyouhowtomakeyourmoneyworkforyou.”

Aahzrubbedhischinthoughtfully.Itwasinterestingtoseemypartnercaughtbetweenprideandgreed.

“Idunno,”hesaidatlast.“Itsoundsgood,andwe’llprobablylookintoiteventually,butwe’realittletightrightnow.”

“ThewayIhearit,you’retightallthetime,”DonBrucecommenteddryly.

“No.Imeanrightnowwe’rereallytightforfinances.We’vegotalotofcapitaltiedupinthebiggametonight.”

“Biggame?Whatbiggame?”

“SkeeveisgoingheadtoheadwiththeSen-SenAnteKidatdragonpokertonight.It’sachallengematch.”

“That’swhyIwantedtotalktoyouaboutBunny,”Isaid.“SinceIthoughtshewastheAx,Ididn’twantheraroundtocausetroubleatthegame.”

“Whydidn’tanyonetellmeaboutthisgame?”DonBrucedemanded.“Itwasn’tinyourreport!”

“It’scomeupsincethen.”

“Whatarethestakes?”

IlookedatAahz.IhadbeensobusytryingtolearnhowdragonpokerwasplayedthatIhadnevergottenaroundtoaskingaboutthestakes.

Forsomereason,mypartnersuddenlylookeduncomfortable.

“Tablestakes,”hesaid.

“Tablestakes?”Ifrowned.“What’sthat?”

Ihalf-expectedhimtotellmehe’dexplainlater,butinsteadheaddressedthesubjectwithsurprisingenthusiasm.

“Inatablestakesgame,eachofyoustartswithacertainamountofmoney.Thenyouplayuntiloneofyouisoutofchips,or...”

“Iknowwhattablestakesare,”DonBruceinterrupted.“WhatIwanttoknowishowmuchyou’replayingfor.”

Aahzhesitated,thenshrugged.“Aquarterofamillioneach.”.

“AQUARTEROFAMILLION???”

Ihadn’thitthatnotesincemyvoicechanged.

“Didn’tyouknow?”themobsterscowled.

“Wehadn’ttoldhim,”mypartnersighed.“Iwasafraidthatifheknewwhatthestakeswere,he’dclutch.Wewerejustgoingtogivehimthestackofchipstoplaywithouttellinghimhowmuchtheywereworth.”

“Aquarterofamillion?”Irepeated,alittlehoarserthistime.

“See?”Aahzgrinned.“You’reclutching.”

“But,Aahz,dowehaveaquarterofamilliontospare?”

Mypartner’sgrinfadedandhestartedavoidingmyeyes.

“Icananswerthatone,Skeeve,”DonBrucesaid.

“Noonehasaquarterofamilliontospare.Evenifyou’vegotit,youdon’thaveittospare,knowwhatImean?”

“It’snotgoingtotakeallourmoney,”Aahzsaidslowly.“Theothershavechippedinoutoftheirsavings,too:Tananda,Chumley,Massha,evenGuidoandNunzio.We’veallgotapieceoftheaction.”

“Ustoo,”themobsterdeclared.“PuttheMobdownforhalf.”

I’mnotsurewhowasmoresurprised,Aahzorme.

ButAahzrecoveredfirst.

“That’sniceofyou,DonBruce,butyoudon’tunderstandwhat’sreallyhappeninghere.Skeevehereisarankbeginneratthegame.Hehadoneluckynight,andbythetimetherumormillgotthroughwithit,hehaddrawnachallengefromtheKid.Hecan’trefusewithoutlookingfoolish,andwiththeAxontheloosewecan’taffordanybadpresswecanavoid.That’swhywe’repoolingourmoney,soSkeevecangointhereandlosegracefully.Theactualoutcomeispreordained.TheKid’sgoingtoeathimalive.”

“...Andmaybeyouweren’tlisteningearlier,”themobstershotback.“IfSkeevelooksbad,welookbad.

TheMobbacksitspeople,especiallywhenitcomestopublicimage.Winorlose,we’reinforhalf,okay?”

“Ifyousayso,”Aahzshrugged.

“...Andtrytosavemeacoupleseats.I’mgonnawanttoseemyboyinaction-firsthand.”

“It’llcost!”

“DidIask?Just...“

Iwasn’treallylisteningtotheconversationanymore.

Ihadn’trealizedbeforejusthowsolidlymyfriendswerebehindme.

Aquarterofamillion...

Rightthensomethingsolidifiedinmymindthathadbeenhoveringthereforseveraldaysnow.Whatevertheothersthought,Iwasgoingtotrymybesttowinthisgame!

ChapterSeventeen:“Shutupanddeal!”

-F.D.R.

THEREwasanauraofexpectationovertheBazaarthatnightaswesetoutfortheEven-Odds.AtfirstIthoughtIwasjustseeingthingsdifferentlybecauseofmyanticipationandnervousness.Aswewalked,however,itbecamemoreandmoreapparentthatitwasnotsimplymyimagination.

Notasinglevendororshopshillapproachedus,notaDeveelhaileduswithaproposedbargain.Onthecontrary,asweproceededalongtheaisles,conversationandbusinessgroundtoahaltaseveryoneturnedtowatchuspass.Afewcalledouttheirwishesof“goodluck”orfriendlygibesaboutseeingmeafterthegame,butforthemostparttheysimplystaredinsilentfascination.

IfIhadeverhadanydoubtsastotheexistenceorextentoftherumormillandgrapevineattheBazaar,thatnightputthemtorestforever.EverybodyandImeaneverybodyknewwhoIwas,whereIwasgoing,andwhatwaswaitingforme.

Insomewaysitwasfun.I’venotedearlierthatIgenerallykeptalowprofileintheimmediateneighborhoodandhavegottenusedtowalkingaroundunnoticed.Myrecentshoppingtripshadgainedmeacertainnotoriety,butitwasnothingcomparedtothis.Tonight,Iwasafull-blowncelebrity!Realizingtheuncertaintyofthegame’soutcome,Idecidedtoseizethemomentandplaymyparttothehilt.

Toacertaindegreeitwaseasy.Wealreadymadequiteaprocession.GuidoandNunzioweredeckedoutintheirworkingclothesoftrenchcoatsandweaponsandprecededus,clearingapaththroughthegawkers.

TanandaandChumleybroughtuptherearlookingpositivelygrimastheyeyeballedanyonewhoseemedtobeedgingtooclose.Aahzwaswalkingjust

aheadofme,carryingourstakemoneyintwolargebags.Ifanyoneentertainedthethoughtofinterceptingusforthemoney,alltheyhadtodowaslookatAahz’sswaggerandthegleaminhisyelloweyes,andtheywouldsuddenlydecidetherewereeasierwaystogetrich...likewrestlingdragonsorpanningforgoldinaswamp.

WehadleftMarkiebackatourplaceoverherloudandindignantprotests.Ihadstoodfirm,though.Thisgamewasgoingtoberoughenoughwithouthavingheraroundasadistraction.Masshahadvolunteeredtostaywithher,claimingshewasfartoonervousaboutthegametoenjoywatchingitanyway.

BunnywasdeckedoutinaclingingoutfitinbrilliantwhiteandhungonmyarmlikeIwasthemostimportantthinginherlife.Morethanafewenviouseyesdartedfromhertomeandbackagain.

Noonewaskiddinganyone,though,astowhothecenterofattentionwas.Youguessedit.Me!Afterall,IwastheoneonmywaytolockhornswiththelegendarySen-SenAnteKidonhisownterrain...acardtable.

Bunnyhadchosenmyclothesforme,andIwasresplendentinadarkmaroonopen-neckedshirtwithlightcharcoalgrayslacksandvest.Ifeltandlookedlikeamillion...well,makethataquarterofamillion.IfIwasgoingtohavemyheadhandedtometonight,Iwasatleastgoingtobeabletoacceptitinstyle...whichwasthewholepointofthisexerciseanyway.

Ididn’teventrytomatchAahz’sstrut,knowingIwouldonlysufferbycomparison.Instead,Icontentedmyselfwithmaintainingaslow,measured,dignifiedpaceasInoddedandwavedatthewell-wishers.Theideawastoexudeunhurriedconfidence.Inactuality,itmademefeellikeIwasonthewaytothegallows,butIdidmybesttohideitandkeepsmiling.

ThecrowdsgotprogressivelythickeraswenearedtheEven-Odds,andIrealizedwithsomeastonishmentthatthiswasbecauseofthegame.Thosewithoutthecloutorthemoneytogetspaceinsidewereloiteringaroundtheareainhopesofbeingoneofthefirsttohearaboutthegame’soutcome.IhadknownthatgamblingwasbigattheBazaar,butIneverthoughtitwasthispopular.

Theassemblagemeltedawaybeforeus,clearingapathtothedoor.Ibegantorecognizefacesinthecrowd,peopleIknew.TherewasGuswavingenthusiasticallyatme,andoverthere...

“Vic!”

Iveeredfromourstraightlineandthewholeprocessiongroundtoahalt.

“Hi,Skeeve!”thevampiresmiled,clappingmeontheshoulder.“Goodlucktonight!”

“I’mgoingtoneedit!”Iconfided.“Seriously,though,I’vebeenmeaningtostopbyandthankyouforyourwarningabouttheAx.”

Vic’sfacefell.“Youmighthavetroublefindingme.I’mabouttolosemyoffice.”

“Really?Isbusinessthatbad?”

“Worse.There’sanawfullotofcompetitionhere.”

“Well,tellyouwhat.Whydon’tyoustopbymyplacetomorrowandwe’lltalk.Maybewecanworkoutasmallloanormaybeevensubcontractsomeassignmentsuntilyou’reestablished.”

“Gee.Thanks,Skeeve!”

Asuddeninspirationhitme.“Comebyaroundnoon.We’lldolunch!”

Itseemedlikeareallygoodideatome.Iwonderedwhybusinessmenhadn’tthoughtoftalkingoutideasoverlunchbefore!Forsomereason.Vicwincedbeforereturningmysmile.

“Lunchitis,”hesaid.

“Umm...Ihatetointerrupt,partner,butyoudohaveanappointmentyou’resupposedtobeat.”

“Right,Aahz.Vic!Tomorrow!”

Withthat,IallowedmyselftobeusheredintotheEven-Odds.

ArippleofapplausebrokeoutasIenteredthemainbarandgamingroom,andIbarelycaughtmyselffromturningtolookbehindme.Formeoragainstme,thepeoplewereheretowatchthegameandifnothingelseweregratefultomefor

providingtheevening’sentertainment.

Terrific.Iwasabouttoriskaquarterofamillioningoldsothatfolkswouldn’thavetowatchsummerreruns.

TheclubhadbeenrearrangedsincethelasttimeIwasthere.Onecardtablestoodaloneinthecenteroftheroom,whilescoresofpeoplelinedthewalls.Whilethecrowdoutsidemighthavebeenlarger,thegroupinsidetheclubmadeupwithcloutwhattheylackedinnumbers.WhileIdidn’tbegintorecognizeeveryone,theonesIdidspotledmetobelievethatthe‘Who’sWho’ofDevawasassembledtowatchthegame.Hayner,mylandlordandleaderoftheDevanChamberofCommercewastherealongwithhisusualclutchofcronies.Henoddedpolitelywhenoureyesmet,butIsuspectedhewasreallyhopingtoseemelose.

DonBrucewasthereaspromised,andraisedhishandsoverhishead,clenchedthemtogether,andgavethemabriefshake,smilingallthewhile.Iguesseditwassomesignofencouragement.Attheveryleast,IhopedIwasn’tbeinghailedwithsomesecretMobdeathsign.Ofcourse,thatdidn’toccurtomeuntilafterIhadwavedback.

“Skeeve.SKEEVE!Haveyougotamoment?”

IglancedaroundtofindtheGeekstandingatmyelbow.

“Sure,Geek,”Ishrugged.“WhatcanIdoforyou?”

TheDeveelseemedextremelynervous,hiscomplexionseveralshadesoffitsnormalhue.“I...youcanpromisenottoholdagrudge.Ipromiseyouthattonightwasnoneofmydoing.AllIdidwasmakethearrangementsaftertheKidissuedthechallenge.Ididn’tgivehimyourname...honest.”

Tosaytheleast,Ifoundhisattitudesurprising.

“Sure,Geek.Ineverthoughtyou...”

“IfIhadknownitwouldleadtothis,Ineverwouldhaveinvitedyoutomygameinthefirstplace,muchless...”

Iwassuddenlyveryalert.

“Waitaminute.Geek!Whatareyoutalkingabout?“

“You’reout-classed!”theDeveelexplained,glancingaroundfearfully.“Youdon’tstandachanceagainsttheKid.Ijustwantyoutounderstand,ifyouloseallyourmoneytonight,thatIdidn’tmeantosetyouup.Idon’twantyouoryourcrewlookingformewithbloodinyourrespectiveeyes.”

Now,asyouknow,IknewthatIwasout-classed.WhatintriguedmewasthattheGeekknewit,too.“Geek,Ithinkwe’dbetter...”

Aloudburstofapplauseandcheersinterruptedme.

BythetimeIgotthroughcraningmynecktoseewhatwasgoingon,theGeekhaddisappearedintothecrowd.

Withthatdiscussionclosed,Iturnedmyattentionagaintothesubjectathand.

“Who’sthat?”Isaid,noddingtowardthefigurethathadjustenteredtheclub.

Aahzslidacomfortingarmaroundmyshoulders.

“That’shim.That’stheSen-SenAnteKid.”

“THAT’StheKid???!!”

Themaninthedoorwasenormous,hewashuge...thatistosay,hewasMassha’ssize.Forsomereason,Ihadbeenexpectingsomeoneclosertomyownage.Thischaracter,though,wassomethingelse.

Hewastotallyhairless,nobeard,noeyebrows,andcompletelybald.Hisskinwaslightblueincolor,andthatcombinedwithhisfatandwrinklesgavetheoverallimpressionofahalf-deflatedbluebowlingball.Hiseyeswereextremelydark,however,andglitteredslightlyastheyfixedonme.

“That’stheKid?”Irepeated.

Aahzshrugged.“He’shadthetitleforalongtime.”

Theman-mountainhadtwobagswithhimwhichlookedverysimilartotheonesAahzhadcarriedforus.

Hehandedthemcasuallytooneoftheonlookers.

“Cashmein!”heorderedinaboomingvoice.“Ihearthere’sagameheretonight.”

Forsomereason,thisbroughtaloudroundoflaughterandapplausefromtheaudience.Ididn’tthinkitwasallthatfunny,butIsmiledpolitely.TheKid’seyesnotedmylackofenthusiasmandglitteredwithincreasedferocity.

“YoumustbetheGreatSkeeve.”

Hisvoicewasadangerouspurr,butitstillreverberatedoffthewalls.Hemovedtowardmewithasurprisinglylighttread,holdingouthishandinwelcome.

Thecrowdseemedtoholditsbreath.

“...AndyoumustbetheonetheycalltheSen-SenAnteKid.”Iresponded,abandoningmyhandintohisgrip.

AgainIwassurprised...thistimebythegentlenessofhishandshake.

“Ijusthopeyourmagicisn’tasgoodasyourreputation.”

“That’sfunny,Iwasjusthopingyourluckisasbadasyourjokes.”

Ididn’tmeantobeoffensive.ThewordsjustkindofslippedoutbeforeIcouldstopthem.

TheKid’sfacefroze.

Iwishedsomeoneelsewouldsaysomethingtochangethesubject,buttheroomechoedwithdeathlyquiet.

Suddenly,myopponentthrewhisheadbackandlaughedheartily.“Ilikethat!”hedeclared.“Youknow,nooneelsehaseverhadthenervetotellmemyjokesstink.I’mstartingtoseewhereyouhadthegutstoacceptmylittlechallenge.”

Theroomcametolife,everybodytalkingorlaughingatthesametime.IfeltlikeIhadjustpassedsomekindofinitiationritual.Awaveofreliefbrokeoverme...butitwastingedwithsomethingelse.IfoundmyselflikingtheKid.Youngor

not,hewasdefinitelynottheboogey-manIhadbeenexpecting.

“Thanks,Kid,”Isaidquietly,takingadvantageofthecovernoise.“Imustadmit,Iappreciatesomeoneelsewhocanlaughatthemselves.Ihavetodoitsooftenmyself.”

“Ain’tthatthetruth,”hemurmuredback,glancingaroundtobesurenooneelsewaslisteningin.“Ifyouletit,allthisstuffcangotoyourhead.Say,wouldyoulikeadrinkorsomethingbeforewegetstarted?”

“ThatconfidentI’mnot,”Ilaughed.“Iwanttohaveaclearheadwhenwesquareoff.”

“Suityourself,”heshrugged.

BeforeIcouldsayanythingelse,heturnedtothecrowdandraisedhisvoiceagain.“Canyoukeepitdown?”heroared.“We’rereadytoplaycardsuphere!”

Likemagic,thenoisestoppedandalleyesturnedtothetwoofusagain.

IfoundmyselfwishingIhadacceptedthedrink.

ChapterEighteen:“Castyourfatetothewinds.”

-L.BERNSTEIN

THEtablewaswaitingforus.Therewereonlytwochairswithchipsstackedneatlyinfrontofthem.

IhadasuddenmomentofpanicwhenIrealizedIdidn’tknowwhichchairwasfacingsouth,butAahzcametomyrescue.Dartingoutofthecrowd,hepulledoutonechairandhelditformetositin.Tothecrowditlookedlikeapolitegesture,butmyfriendsknewIhadcomedangerouslyclosetochangingtherulesIhadlaboredsohardtomemorize.

“Cards!”theKidordered,holdingoutonehandasheeasedintothechairfacingme.

Anewdeckmaterializedinhishand.Heexamineditlikeaglassoffinewine,holdingituptothelighttobesurethewrappingwasintactandevensniffingthesealtobesurethefactorygluewasthesame.

Satisfied,heofferedthedecktome.IsmiledandspreadmyhandstoshowIwassatisfied.Imean,heck!

Ifhehadn’tfoundanythingwrong,itwasacinchthatIwouldn’tbeabletodetectanyfoulplay.

Thegestureseemedtoimpresshimthough,andhegavemeasmallbowbeforeopeningthedeck.Oncethecardswereoutofthebox,hispudgyfingersseemedtotakeonalifeoftheirown.Movingswiftly,theyremovedthejokersandcastthemaside,thenbeganpeelingcardsoffthedecktwoatatime,onefromthetopandonefromthebottom.

Watchingtheprocess,Ibegantorealizewhyhishandshakehadbeensogentle.Largeastheywere,thisfingersweregraceful,delicate,andsensitiveasthey

wentabouttheirtask.Thesewerenotthehandsofaroughlaborer,orevenafighter.Theyexistedtodoonething:tohandleadeckofcards.

Bynowthedeckhadbeenroughmixed.TheKidscoopedupthepile,squaredit,thengaveitseveralquickshuffles.Hismovesweresoprecisehedidn’tevenhavetore-squarethedeckwhenhewasdone...justsetitonthecenterofthetable.

“Cutfordeal?“heasked.

Irepeatedmyearliergesture.“Bemyguest.”

EventhisseemedtoimpresstheKid...andthecrowd.Alowmurmurrippledaroundtheroomastheplusesandminusesofmymovewerediscussed.ThetruthofthematterwasthatafterwatchingtheKidhandlethedeck,Iwasembarrassedtoshowmyownlackofskill.

Hereachedforthedeck,andthecardssprangtolifeagain.Withahypnoticrhythmhebegancuttingthedeckandriffingthecardstogether,allthewhilestaringatmewithunblinkingeyes.IknewIwasbeingpsychedout,butwaspowerlesstofighttheeffect.

“Fortheante,shallwesayonethousand?”

“Let’ssayfivethousand.”Ireturned.

Therhythmfaltered.TheKidrealizedhehadslippedandmovedswiftlytocoverit.Settingthecardsasideforamoment,hereachedforhischips.

“Fivethousanditis,”hesaid,tossingahandfulintothecenterofthetable.“And...mytrademark.”

Asmallwhitebreathmintfollowedthechipsintothepot.

Iwascountingoutmyownchipswhensomethingoccurredtome.

“Howmuchisthatworth?”Isaid,pointingatthemint.

Thatsurprisedmyopponent.

“What?Themint?Onecopperaroll.Butyoudon’thaveto...”

BeforehehadfinishedspeakingIaddedasmallcointomychips,pushedthemintothecenterofthetable,grabbedhismint,andpoppeditintomymouth.

Thistimetheaudienceactuallygaspedbeforelapsingintosilence.Forseveralheartbeatstherewasnosoundintheroomexceptthemintcrunchingbetweenmyteeth.Ialmostregrettedmyboldmove.Themintwasincrediblystrong.

FinallytheKidgrinned.

“Isee.Youeatmyluck,eh?Good.Verygood.You’llfind,though,thatittakesmorethanthattodisturbmygame.”

Histonewasjovial,buthiseyesdarkenedevenmorethantheyhadbeenandhisshufflingtookonasharper,morevengefultone.IknewIhasscoredahit.

IstoleaglanceatAahz,whowinkedatmebroadly.

“Cut!”

Thedeckwasinfrontofme.Movingwithforcednonchalance,Icutthedeckroughlyinhalf,thenleanedbackinmychair.WhileItriedtoappearcasual,insideIwascrossingmyfingersandtoesandeverythingelsecrossable.Ihaddevisedmystrategyonmyownandhadn’tdiscusseditwithanyone...notevenAahz.Nowwegottoseehowitworked.

Onecard...twocards...threecardscameglidingacrossthetabletome,facedown.Theyslidtoastopneatlyaligned,anothertributetotheKid’sskill,andlaytherelikelandmines.

Iignoredthem,waitingforthenextcard.

Itcame,coastingtoastopfaceupnexttoitsbrethren.ItwasthesevenofdiamondsandtheKiddealthimself...

Thetenofdiamonds.Aten!

TherulescamebacktomelikeasongIdidn’twanttoremember.Atenfaceupmeantmysevenwasdead...valueless.

“Somuchforeatingmyluck,eh?”theKidchuckled,takingaquickglanceathisholecards.“Mytenwillgo...fivethousand.”

“...Andupfive.”

Thegaspfromthecrowdwaslouderthistime...possiblybecausemycoacheshadjoinedin.IheardAahzclearhisthroatnoisily,butwouldn’tlookinhisdirection.TheKidwasstaringatmeinundisguisedsurprise.Apparentlyhehadeitherexpectedmetofoldorcall...possiblybecausethatwouldhavebeenthesanethingtodo.

“You’reawfullyproudofthatdeadcard,”hesaidthoughtfully.“Allright.I’llcall.Pot’sright.”

Twomorecardsfloatedontothetablefaceup.Igotaten!Thetenofclubs,tobespecific.Thatcanceledhistenandmademysevenliveagain.

TheKidgottheunicornofhearts.Wildcard!NowIhadten-sevenhighagainsthispairoftensshowing.

Terrific.

“Iwon’ttrytokidyou.”Myopponentsmiled.“Apairoftensisworth...twentythousand.”

“...Anduptwenty.”

TheKid’ssmilefaded.Hiseyesflickedquicklytomycards,thenhenodded.“Call.”

Nocomment.Nowittybanter.Ihadhimthinking.

Thenextcardswereenroute.Thethreeofheartsslidintomylineup.Adeadcard.Opposingit,theKidgot...

Thetenofhearts!

Iwasnowlookingatthreetensagainstmyten-sevenhigh!Foramomentmyresolvewavered,butIshoreditupagain.Iwasintoofartochangenow.

TheKidwaseyeingmethoughtfully.“Idon’tsupposeyou’dgothirtyonthat?”hesaid.

“I’llnotonlygoit,I’llraiseyouthirty.”

Thereweremuffledexclamationsofdisbeliefintheroom...andsomenotsomuffled.Irecognizedthevoicesofsomeofthelatter.

TheKidjustshookhisheadandpushedtheappropriatenumberofchipsintothepotwithoutaword.

Thecrowdlapsedintosilenceandcranedtheirneckstoseethenextcards.

Thedragonofspadestome,andtheogreofheartstotheKid.

Noapparenthelpforeitherhand...exceptthatnowtheKidhadthreeheartsfaceup.

Webothstudiedeachother’scardsforafewmoments.

“I’lladmitIcan’tfigureoutwhatyou’rebetting,Skeeve,”myopponentsighed.“Butthishand’sworthfifty.”

“...Andupfifty.”

Insteadofresponding,theKidleanedbackinhischairandstaredatme.

“Checkmeonthis,”hesaid.“EitherI’vemisseditcompletely,oryouhaven’tlookedatyourholecardsyet.”

“That’sright.”

Thecrowdstartedmutteringagain.Atleastsomeofthemhadmissedthatpoint.

“Soyou’rebettingblind?”

“Right.”

“...Andraisingintometoboot.”

Inodded.

“Idon’tgetit.Howdoyouexpecttowin?”

IregardedhimforamomentbeforeIanswered.Tosaytheleast,Ihadtheroom’sundividedattention.

“Kid,you’rethebestthereisatdragonpoker.You’vespentyearshoningyourskillstobethebest,andnothingthathappensheretonightisgoingtochangethat.Me,I’mlucky...ifyoucancallitthat.Igotluckyonenight,andthatsomehowearnedmethechancetoplaythisgamewithyoutonight.That’swhyI’mbettingthewayIam.”

TheKidshookhishead.“MaybeI’mslow,butIstilldon’tgetit.”

“Inthelongrun,yourskillwouldbeatmyluck.Italwaysdoes.IfiguretheonlychanceI’vegotistojuicethebettingonthisonehand...goforbroke.Alltheskillinthedimensionscan’tchangetheoutcomeofonehand.That’sluck...whichputsusonanequalfooting.”

Myopponentdigestedthisforafewmoments,thenthrewbackhisheadandgaveabarkoflaughter.

“Iloveit!”hecrowed.“Ahalfmillionpotridingononehand.Skeeve,Ilikeyourstyle.Winorlose,it’sbeenapleasurematchingwitswithyou.”

“Thankyou.Kid.Ifeelthesameway.”

“Inthemeantime,there’sthishandtoplay.Ihatetokeepallthesepeoplehanginginsuspensewhenwealreadyknowhowthebetting’sgoingtogo.”

Heswepttherestofhischipsintothepot.“I’llcallyourraiseandraiseyouback...thirty-five.That’sthewholestake,”

“Agreed,”Isaid,pushingmychipsout.

“Nowlet’sseewhatwegot,”hewinked,reachingforthedeck.

Thetwoofdiamondstome...theeightofclubstotheKid...thenonemorecardeachfacedown.

Thecrowdpressedforwardasmyopponentpeeredathislastcard.

“Skeeve,”hesaidalmostregretfully.“Youhadaninterestingstrategythere,butmyhand’sgood...realgood.”

Heflippedtwoofhisdowncardsover.

“FullDragon...fourOgresandapairoftens.”

“Nicehand,”Iacknowledged.

“Yeah.Right.Nowlet’sseewhatyou’vegot.”

WithasmuchpoiseasIcouldmuster,Iturnedovermyholecards.

ChapterNineteen:“Can’tyoutakeajoke?”

-T.EULENSPIEGEL

MASSHAlookedupfromherbookandbon-bonsaswetroopedthroughthedoor.

“Thatwasquick,”shesaid.“Howdiditgo?”

“Hi,Massha.Where’sMarkie?”

“Upstairsinherroom.Afterthesecondtimeshetriedtosneakout,Isenthertobedandtookupsentrydutyherebythedoor.Whathappenedatthegame?”

“Well,Istillsayyouwerewrong,”Aahzgrowled.“Ofallthedumbstuntsyou’vepulled...”

“C’mon,partner.What’sdoneisdone.Okay?You’rejustmadbecauseIdidn’tcheckwithyoufirst.”

“That’stheleastof...”

“WILLSOMEBODYTELLMEWHATHAPPENED?”

“What?Oh.Sorry,Massha.Iwon.Aahzhereisupsetbecause...”

Iwassuddenlysweptupinagargantuanhugandkissasmyapprenticeexpressedherdelightatthenews.

“I’llsayhewon.Inonehandhewon,”Tanandagrinned.“Neverseenanythinglikeit.”

“Threeunicornsandthesixofclubsinthehole,”Aahzraged.“Threewildcards,which,whenusedwiththeonce-a-nightsuitshiftruleonthesevenofdiamonds,

yields...”

“Astraight-bloody-flush!”Chumleysang.“WhichtooktheKid’sFullDragonandthelargestpotthat’severbeenseenattheBazaar.”

“Iknewyoucoulddoit,Daddy!”Markieshrieked,emergingfromherhidingspotonthestairs.

Somuchforsendinghertobedearly.

“IwishyoucouldhaveseentheKid’sface,Massha,”thetrollcontinuedmerrily.“I’llbethewishesnowthathecarriesantacidsinsteadofbreathmints.”

“Youshouldhaveseenthecrowd.They’regoingtobetalkingaboutthisoneforyears!”

Masshafinallyletmedownandheldupahand.

“Holdit!Waitaminute!IgetthefeelingI’vemissedalapheresomewhere.HotStuffherewon.Right?Asinwalkedawaywithallthemarbles?”

Thebrotherandsisterteamnoddedvigorously.Ijusttriedtogetmybreathback.

“SohowcomeGreenandScalyisbreathingsmoke?Ishouldthinkhe’dbeleadingthecheering.”

“BECAUSEHEGAVETHEMONEYAWAY!THAT’SWHY!!!”

“Yes.Thatwouldexplainit.”Masshanoddedthoughtfully.

“C’mon,Aahz!Ididn’tgiveitaway.”

AsI’vediscoveredbefore,it’saloteasiertofindyourbreathwhenyou’reunderattack.

“Whoa!Wait!”myapprenticesaid,steppingbetweenus.“Beforeyoutwogetstartedagain,talktoMassha.Remember,I’mtheonewhowasn’tthere.”

“Well,theKidandIgottotalkingafterthegame.He’sreallyaniceguy,andIfoundoutthathehadprettymuchbeenbettingeverythinghehad...”

“That’swhatheclaimed,”Aahzsnorted.“Ithinkhewasmakingaplayforoursympathies.”

“...andIgottothinking.IhadworkedhardtobesurethatboththeKid’sandmyreputationswouldbeintact,nomatterhowthegamecameout.WhatIreallywantedtodowastoretirefromthedragonpokercircuitandlethimtakeonallthehotshotchallengers...”

“ThatmuchI’llagreewith.”

“Aahz!Justlethimtellit.Okay?”

“...Buthecouldn’tkeepplayingifhewasbroke,whichwouldleavemeasthelogicaltargetfortheup-and-comings,soIlethimkeepthequarterofamillionhehadlost...”

“See!SEE!!!WhatdidItellyou?”

“...asaLOANsohecoulduseitasastakeinfuturegames....”

“That’swhenIknewhehad...aloan??”

Igrinnedatmypartner.

“Uh-huh.Asin‘putyourmoneytoworkforyouinsteadofstackingit,’aconceptIbelieveyoufoundveryinterestingwhenitwasfirstbroached.Ofcourse,youhadalreadygoneoffhalf-cockedandstompedawaybeforewegottothatpart.”

AnysarcasmIhadmanagedtoloadintomyvoicewaslostonAahz,whichisnotsurprisingwhenyourealizeweweretalkingaboutmoney.

“Aloan,eh?”hesaidthoughtfully.“Whatweretheterms?”

“Tellhim.Bunny.”

“BUNNY??”

“Hey!Youweren’tthere,remember?Idecidedtoseewhatouraccountantcoulddo.Bunny?”

“Well,I’veneverdealtwithstakemoneybefore,nopunintended,soIhadtokindoffeelmywayalong.IthinkIgotusaprettygoodarrangement,though.”

“Whichwas...”

“UntiltheKidpaysusback...andit’sgottobepaidbackinfull,nopartialpayments,wegethalfhiswinnings.”

“Hmmm,”mypartnermurmured.“Notbad.”

“IfyoucanthinkofanythingelseIshouldhaveaskedfor,I’mopento...”

“Ifhecouldthinkofanythingelse,”Isaid,winkingather,“youcanbelievehewouldhaveroareditoutbynow.Youdidgreat.Bunny.”

“Gee.Thanks,Skeeve.”

“Nowthen,ifsomeonewouldbesokindastobreakoutthewine,Ifeellikecelebrating.”

“Ofcourse,Boss,yourealizethatnowalotofpeopleknowthatyou’vegotalotofcashonhand,”Guidopointedout,edgingclosetome.“AssoonasNunziogetsback,Ithinkwe’dbettertakealookatbeefin’upsecurityontheplace,knowwhatImean?”

“WhereisNunzio,anyway?”Masshasaid,peeringaround.

“He’llbealonginabit,”Ismiled.“Ihadalittleerrandforhimafterthegame.”

“Well,here’stoyou,Skeeve!”Chumleycalled,liftinghisgobletaloft.“AfterallourworryingaboutwhetheryourreputationcouldsurviveamatchwiththeKid,Idaresayyoucameoutofitwellaheadofwhereyouwerebefore.”

“That’sright,”hissistergiggled.“IwonderwhattheAxthinksaboutwhathappened.”

ThatwasthecueIhadbeenwaitingfor.Itookadeepbreathandadeeperdrinkofwine,thenassumedmymostcasualmanner.

“Whybotherspeculating,Tananda?Whynotaskdirect?”

“What’sthat,Skeeve?”

“Isaid,whynotasktheAxdirectly?Afterall,she’sintheroomrightnow.”

Thegaietyofthemoodvanishedinaneyeblinkaseverybodystaredatme.

“Partner,”Aahzmurmured,“IthoughtwesettledthiswhenwetalkedtoDonBruce.”

Icuthimoffwiththewaveofahand.

“Asamatteroffact,I’malittlecuriousaboutwhattheAxisthinkingmyself.Whydon’tyoutellus...Markie?”

Myyoungwardsquirmedundertheroom’scombinedgaze.

“But,Daddy...Idon’t...you...oh,heck!Youfigureditout,huh?”

“Uh-huh.”Inodded,notfeelingatalltriumphant.

Sheheavedagreatsigh.“Oh,well.Iwasabouttothrowinthetowelanyway.IhadjusthopedIcouldbeataretreatbeforemycoverwasblown.Ifyoudon’tmind,I’dliketojoinyouinsomeofthatwinenow.”

“Helpyourself.”

“MARKIE?!?”

Aahzhadfinallyrecoveredenoughtomakenoise.Ofcourse,itcomesreflexivelytohim.Theotherswerestillworkingonit.

“Don’tletthelittle-girllooksfoolyou,Aahz,”shewinked.“Folksaresmallandsoftonmydimension.Intherightclothes,it’seasytopassyourselfoffasbeingyoungerthanyoureallyare...lotsyounger.”

“But...but...”

“Thinkaboutitforaminute,Aahz,”Isaid.“Youhadallthepiecesthefirstday.Kids,particularlylittlegirls,areembarrassingatbest,troubleatworst.Thetrickisthatyouexpectthemtobetrouble,soyoudon’tevenconsiderthepossibilitythatwhatthey’redoingcouldbepremeditatedandplanned.”

Ipausedtotakeasipofwine,andforoncenooneinterruptedmewithquestions.

“Ifyoulookbackonit,mostoftheproblemswe’vebeenhavinghaveoriginateddirectlyorindirectlyfromMarkie.ShemouthedoffaboutBunnybeinginmybedtogetTanandaupset,andwhenthatdidn’tworkshemadeafewdigsaboutherlivingherefreethatgotherthinkingaboutleaving...justlikeshedeliberatelymadeMasshalookbadinthemiddleofhermagiclessonforthesamereason,togethertoleave.”

“Almostworked,too,”myapprenticeobservedthoughtfully.

“ThebusinessintheBazaarwasnoaccident,either,”Icontinued.“Allshehadtodowaswaitfortherightopportunitytopretendtogetmadsowewouldn’tsuspectshewasblastingthingsdeliberately.Ifyourecall,sheeventriedtoconvincemethatIdidn’tneedtotakedragonpokerlessons.”

“Ofcourse,”Markieputin,“that’snoteasytodowhenpeoplethinkyou’reakid.”

“ThebiggestcluewasGleep.IthoughthewastryingtoprotectmefromBunny,butitwasMarkiehewasreallyafter.Ikeeptellingyouthathe’ssmarterthanyouthink.”

“Remindmetoapologizetoyourdragon,”Aahzsaid,stillstaringatMarkie.

“Itwasagoodplan,”shesighed.“Ninety-ninepercentofthetimeitwouldhaveworked.Theproblemwasthateveryoneunderestimatedyou,Skeeve...youandyourfriends.Ididn’tthinkyou’dhaveenoughmoneytopayofftheiratemerchantsafterIdidanumberontheirdisplays,andyourfriends...”Sheshookherheadslowly.“UsuallyifwordgetsoutthatI’monassignment,itmakesmyworkeasier.Thetarget’sassociatesbailouttokeepfromgettinghitinthecrossfire,andtryingtogetthemtostayorcomebackonlymakesthingsworse.Partofsinkingsomeone’scareeriscuttingthemofffromtheirsupportnetwork.”Sheraisedherwineinamocktoasttome.

“Yourfriendswouldn’trun...oriftheydid,theywouldn’tstaygoneoncetheyheardyouwereintrouble.That’swhenIstartedtohavesecondthoughtsaboutthisassignment.Imean,therearesomecareersthatshouldn’tbescuttled,andIthinkyoursisoneofthem.Youcantakethatasacompliment...it’smeantas

one.That’swhyIwasabouttocallitquitsanyway.Irealizedmyheartjustwasn’tinmyworkthistimearound.”

Shesetdownherwineandstoodup.

“Well,Iguessthat’sthat.I’llgoupstairsandpacknow.Makeyouadeal.IfyouallpromisenottotellanyonewhothefamousAxis,I’llspreadthewordthatyou’resoinvinciblethateventheAxcouldn’ttripyouup.Okay?”

Watchingherleavetheroom,IrealizedwithsomesurprisethatIwouldmissher.DespitewhatAahzhadsaid,ithadbeenkindofnicehavingakidaroundtheplace.

“That’sit?”mypartnerfrowned.“You’rejustgoingtoletherwalk?”

“Iwasthetarget.Ifigureitwasmycall.Besides,shedidn’tdoanyrealdamage.AsChumleypointedoutasecondago,we’refurtheraheadthanwewerewhenshearrived.”

“Ofcourse,there’sthematterofthedamageswehadtopayforherlittlemagicdisplayattheBazaar.”

Foronce,Iwasaheadofmypartnerwhenitcametomoney.

“Ihaven’tforgottenthat,Aahz.Ijustfiguretorecoupthelossfromanothersource.Yousee,whatfinallytippedmeoffwas...wait.Heretheyarenow.”

Nunziowasjustcomingintotheroom,draggingtheGeekwithhim.

“Hello,Skeeve,”theDeveelsaid,squirminginmybodyguard’sgrasp.“Your...ah,associateheresaysyouwantedtoseeme?”

“HetriedtosneakoutafterItoldhim.Boss,”Nunziosqueaked.“That’swhattookmesolong.”

“Hello,Geek,”Ipurred.“Haveaseat.Iwanttohavealittlechatwithyouaboutacardgame.”

“C’mon,Skeeve.Ialreadytoldyou...”

“Sit!”

TheGeekdroppedintotheindicatedchairlikegravityhadsuddenlytrebled.IhadborrowedthetoneofvoicefromNunzio’sdragon-trainingdemonstration.Itworked.

“WhattheGeekwasstartingtosay,”Iexplained,turningtoAahz,“isthatbeforethegametonighthewarnedmethatIwasovermatchedandaskedmenottohaveanyhardfeelings...thatthegamewiththeKidwasn’thisidea.”

“That’sright,”theDeveelinterjected.“Wordjustgotoutand...”

“WhatI’mcuriousabout,however,ishowheknewIwasout-classed.”

IsmiledattheGeek,tryingtoshowmyteeththewayAahzdoes.“Yousee,Idon’twanttotalkabouttonight’sgame.Iwashopingyoucouldgiveusalittlemoreinformationabouttheothergame...youknow,theonewhereIwonMarkie?”

TheDeveelglancednervouslyaroundthegroupofassembledscowls.

“I...Idon’tknowwhatyoumean.”

“Letmemakeiteasyforyou.AtthispointIfigurethegamehadtoberigged.That’stheonlywayyouwouldknowinadvancewhataweakdragonpokerplayerIam.SomehowyouwerethrowinghandsmywaytobesureIwonbig,bigenoughtoincludeMarkie.I’mjustcurioushowyoudiditwithouttriggeringthemagicortelepathymonitors.”

TheGeekseemedtoshrinkalittleinhischair.Whenhespoke,hisvoicewassolowwecouldbarelyhearhim.

“Markedcards,”hesaid.

Theroomexploded.

“MARKEDCARDS??”

“Buthow...”

“Wouldn’tthat...”

Iwavedthembacktosilence.

“Itmakessense.Thinkaboutit,”Iinstructed.“Specifically,thinkbacktoourtriptoLimbo.Rememberhowharditwastodisguiseourselveswithoutusingmagic?EverybodyattheBazaargetssousedtothingsbeingdonemagically,theyforgettherearenon-magicalwaystodothesamethings...likefalsebeards,ormarkedcards.”

TheGeekwasonhisfeetnow.

“Youcan’tholdthatagainstme!Sosomeoneelsepaidmetothrowthegameyourway.Heck,Ishouldthinkyou’dbehappy.Youcameoutahead,didn’tyou?What’stobemadabout?”

“I’llbetifItryrealhardIcouldthinkofsomething.”

“Look,ifit’srevengeyouwant,youalreadygotit.Ilostabundletonightbettingagainstyou.Youwantblood,I’mbleeding!”

TheDeveelwassweatingvisiblynow.Thenagain,he’salwaysbeenalittlenervousaroundmeforsomereason.

“Relax,Geek.I’mnotgoingtohurtyou.Ifanything,I’mgoingtohelpyou...justlikeyouhelpedme.”

“Yeah?”hesaidsuspiciously.

“Yousayyou’reshortofcash,we’llfixit.”

“What!!??”Aahzroared,butTanandapokedhimintheribsandhesubsidedintosullensilence.

“Bunny?”

“Yeah,Skeeve?”

“FirstthingtomorrowIwantyoutorunovertotheEven-Odds.Gooverthebooks,takeinventory,andcomeupwithafairpricefortheplace.”

TheGeekblinked.

“Myclub?ButI...”

“...ThendrawupanagreementforustotakeitofftheGeek’shands...athalfthepriceyouarriveat.”

“WHAT!!??”theDeveelscreeched,forgettinghisfear.“WhyshouldIsellmyclubfor...”

“...Morethanitwillbeworthifthewordgetsoutthatyou’rerunningriggedgames?”Ifinishedforhim.“Becauseyou’reashrewdbusinessman,Geek.Besides,youneedthemoney.Right?”

TheGeekswallowedhard,thenlickedhislipsbeforehespoke.“Right.”

“Howwasthat,Geek?”Aahzfrowned.“Ididn’tquitehearyou.”

“Idid,”Isaidfirmly.“Well,wewon’tkeepyouanylonger,Geek.Iknowyou’llwanttogetbacktoyourclubandcleanupabit.Otherwisewe’llhavetoreducetheamountofourappraisal.”

TheDeveelstartedtosnarlsomething,thenthoughtbetterofitandslunkoutintothenight.

“Doyouthinkthatwillmakeupforwhatwehadtopayindamages,partner?”Isaidinnocently.

“Skeeve,sometimesyouamazeme,”Aahzsaid,liftinghiswineinasalute.“Nowiftherearenomoresurprises,I’mreadytoparty.”

Itwastempting,butIwasonarollanddidn’twanttoletthemomentslipaway.

“Thereisonemorething,”Iannounced.“Nowthatwe’vetakencareoftheAxandtheKid,Ithinkweshouldaddressthemajorproblemthat’scomeup...whileeveryoneishere.”

“Majorproblem?”mypartnerscowled.“What’sthat?”

Takingadeepbreath,Iwentforit.

ChapterTwenty:“Sowhatelseisnew?”

-W.CRONKITE

THEwholecrewwasstaringatmeasIrolledmygobletofwinebackandforthinmyhand,tryingtodecidewheretostart.

“IfI’veseemedalittledistractedduringthislatestcrisis,”Isaidatlast,“it’sbecauseI’vebeenwrestlingwithanotherproblemthat’scometomyattention...abigone.Sobigthat,inmymind,theotherstufftookalowerpriority.”

“Whateveryou’retalkingabout,partner,”Aahzfrowned,“I’vemissedit.”

“Youjustsaidit,Aahz.Themagicwordis‘partner.’Thingshavebeengoingrealwellforyouandme,butwearen’ttheonlyonesinthishousehold.WhenweweretalkingtoChumleyandhesaidthathislifewasn’tallbeerandskittles,ittookmeawhiletopuzzleoutwhathewastalkingabout,butitfinallycameclear.”

Ilookedatthetroll.

“Businessisoffforyou,isn’tit,Chumley?”

“Well,Idon’tliketocomplain...”

“Iknow,butmaybeyoushouldonceinawhile,Ihadneverstoppedtothinkaboutitbefore,butyou’vebeengettingfewerandfewerassignmentssinceyoumovedinwithus,haven’tyou?”

“Isthattrue,Chumley?”Aahzsaid.“Inevernoticed...”

“Noone’snoticedbecausetheattentionhasalwaysbeenonus,Aahz.TheAahzandSkeeveteamhasbeentakingpriorityovereverythingandeveryoneelse.We’vebeensobusylivinguptoourbig-nameimagethatwe’vemissedwhatit’s

doingtoourcolleagues,theoneswhohavetoalargeextentbeenresponsibleforoursuccess.”

“Oh,comenow,Skeeveoldboy,”Chumleylaugheduneasily.“Ithinkyou’reexaggeratingabitthere.”

“AmI?Yourbusinessisoff,andsoisTananda’s.Ihatetosayit,butshewasrightwhensheleft,wearestiflingherwithourcurrentsetup.GuidoandNunzioknockthemselvesouttryingtobesuper-bodyguardsbecausethey’reafraidwe’lldecidewedon’treallyneedthemandsendthempacking.EvenMasshathinksofherselfasanon-contributingteammember.Bunny’sournewestarrival,andshetriedtotellmethattheonlywayshecouldhelpusisasanornament!”

“Ifeelbetteraboutthataftertonight,Skeeve,”Bunnycorrected.“BetweennegotiatingwiththeKidandgettingtheassignmenttopriceouttheEven-Odds,IthinkIcandosomethingforyoubesidesbreatheheavy.”

“Exactly!”Inodded.“That’swhat’sgivingmethecouragetoproposetheplanI’vecookedup.”

“Plan?Whatplan?”

“That’swhatIwantedtotalktoyouabout,Aahz.Actually,whatIwantedtotalktoallofyouabout.Whatwe’redealingwithinthishouseholdisn’treallyapartnership...it’sacompany.Everybodyinthisroomcontributestothesuccessofourgroupasawhole,andIthinkit’sabouttimewerestructuredoursetuptoreflectthat.Whatwereallyneedisasystemwhereallofushaveasayastowhat’sgoingon.Thenclientswillbeabletoapproachusasagroup,andwequoteprices,handoutassignmentsorsubcontract,andsharetheprofitsasagroup.That’smyproposal,forwhatit’sworth.Whatdotherestofyouthink?“

ThesilencestretchedonuntilIstartedtowonderiftheyweretryingtothinkofatactfulwaytotellmeIbelongedinarubberroom.

“Idon’tknow,Skeeve,”Aahzsaidatlast.

“Whataren’tyousureof?”Iurged.

“Idon’tknowifweshouldcallourselvesMagic,Inc.,orChaos,Ltd.”

“Magic,Inc.,hasalreadybeenused,”Tanandaargued.“Besides,Ithinkthenameshouldbealittlemoredignifiedandformal.”

“Youdothat,thentheclientsaregoin’tobesurprisedwhentheyactuallyseeus,knowwhatImean?”Guidoputin.“Weain’texactlydignifiedandformalourselves.”

Ileanedbackinmychairandtookadeepbreath.Ifthatwastheironlyconcern,myideawasatleastdeemedworthyofconsideration.

Masshacaughtmyeyeandwinked.

Itoastedherback,feelingjustifiablysmug.

“Doesthiscompanyacceptnewapplicants?”

WeallturnedtofindMarkieinthedoor,suitcaseinherhand.

“Idon’tthinkIhavetotellyouallaboutmyqualifications,”shecontinued,“butIadmirethisgroupandwouldbeproudtobeapartofit.”

Thecrewexchangedglances.

“Well,Markie..“

“It’sstillnebulous...”

“You’vegottheElementalstuffdowncold...”

“Whatdoyouthink,Skeeve?”Aahzsaid.“You’retheonewho’susuallybigonrecruitingoldenemies.”

“No,“Isaidfirmly.

Theywerealllookingatmeagain.

“SorrytosoundsooverbearingrightafterclaimingIwantedeverybodytohaveasayinthings,”Icontinued,“butifMarkie’sin,I’mout.”

“What’stheproblem.Skeeve?”Markiefrowned.“Ithoughtwewerestillonprettygoodterms.”

“Weare,”Inodded.“I’mnotmadatyou.Iwon’tworkagainstyourcareerorhityouorholdagrudge.Youwerejustdoingyourjob.”

Iraisedmyheadandoureyesmet.

“Ijustcan’tgoalongwithhowyouwork,isall.Yousayyouadmireourgroup-well,thegluethatholdsustogetheristrust.Thewayyouoperateistogetpeopletotrustyou,thenbetrayit.Evenifyoustayedloyaltoourgroup,Idon’tthinkIwanttobeassociatedinbusinesswithsomeonewhothinksthat’sthewaytoturnaprofit.”

Istoppedthere,andnooneelseraisedavoicetocontradictme.

Markiepickeduphersuitcaseandstartedforthedoor.Atthelastmoment,though,sheturnedbacktomeandIcouldseetearsinhereyes.

“Ican’targuewithwhatyou’resaying,Skeeve,”shesaid,“butIcan’thelpwishingyouhadsettledforhittingmeandletmejoin.”

Therewastotalsilenceasshemadeherdeparture.

“Theyoungladyhasraisedavalidpoint,”Chumleysaidatlast.“Whatisourpositiononnewmembers?”

“Ifwe’reopen,I’dliketoputVic’snameupforconsideration,”Masshachimedin.

“Firstwe’vegottodecideifweneedanyoneelse,”Tanandacorrected.

“Thatraisesthewholequestionoffree-lancevs.exclusivecontracts,”Nunziosaid.“Idon’tthinkthatit’srealistictohavealloursharesequal.”

“I’vebeendoodlingupaplanonjustthatpoint,Nunzio,”Bunnycalled,wavingthenapkinshehadbeenscribblingon.“Ifyoucanholdonforafewminutes,I’llhavesomethingtoproposeofficially.”

AsinterestedasIwasintheproceedings,Ihadtroubleconcentratingonwhatwasbeingsaid.Forsomereason,Markie’sfacekeptcrowdingintomymind.

Sure,whatIsaidwasrough,butitwasnecessary.Ifyou’regoingtoruna

businessorateam,you’vegottosetastandardandadheretoit.There’snoroomforsentimentality.Ihaddonetherightthing,hadn’tI?

Hadn’tI?