my_story girish krishnan

8/3/2019 My_story Girish Krishnan

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First of all guys....This is a story.....Just random....Relates to no one......There arefour parts to it.....And this is just the first one.....

LOVE- The beginning and ending of life........

I start off proceedings with this line on paper......So much to think about.....somuch to ponder about....LOVE!!...LOVE!!....What's so unique about this monosyllabic word that makeseveryone go crazy!!!!!.....I just wonder!!!!!

Crazy little word!!!!

I ain't Goutham Menon to spin exotic, dreamy stories on screen!!!!!! I ain't Selva

to bring out boldly the bodily feelings involved in love.......!!!!!But I am an ametuer who just loved.....'JUST LOVED'.......That's my onlyqualification.....!!!!!!

I open my heart here....Lay it bare, and spread the bottled up emotions inwords......Can't find a better means to connect with one another!!!!!The heart has four chambers, if you are human......Mine too has.....Has in it filledwith confusing, beautiful, worth-dying and dark emotions!!!!!!Each locked safely in it's respective chambers......

I name the four chambers of my heart with reference to these emotions......And they are:

'The Beginning''Knowing the Unknown''Feeling the Unfelt''The END'

Love.....

You just heard 'The Beginning'......I need to sort out the incidents, theaccidents, the sacrifices and the decisions we made before my blood flows intothe next chamber......

LOVE....LOVE....I still wonder....."How the hell did I fall forher......Anitha.....What a woman !!".....I just don't have an answer for that!!!!!

And by the way.....


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" I AM SANJAY.......AND I AM IN LOVE WITH A GIRL!!!......."Before I start, I would like to clear a few FAQs."Who is Sanjay?? Who the hellis Anitha??"...This is just a story.There is no relation to the characters in reallife.The next one is, the reason I'm writing this...I AM NOT IN LOVE, also have noplans of trying to.... Just a dream.I'm trying to bring it alive through anarration. It is Sanjay who narrates it, not me!! I'll take leavenow...."Sanjay...Bring it on dude....!!!!"

"Live life to the fullest before you love,Coz it will push you to the heights of the stars above,If you can't withstand it, I strongly recommend you better take a bow...."

This is what I inferred in this phase of my love life, 'Knowing the Unknown'.

This phase is one which is filled with beautiful, dreamy emotions......The one that made me stand upside down for her....Anitha....WHAT AWOMAN!!!!

Before I jump to where I saw her, let me tell you who I am. Sanjay, 3rd year,IIT Madras. Brought up by my mother, I never knew what it was like to have afather....

Love!!!

But my mom was more than smart and suave to raise me into a dignified younglad. She was those rare moms who always encouraged me to follow my dreamsand lead a path where there is none.I enjoyed every moment I was withher.....Beauty and grace can't be acquired. It is inborn. And that's why my momwas the woman I loved the most..... I envied her calm demeanor, her clear mind,her simple yet elegant style.....Everything about her had class in it.....

I wasn't those guys who crammed up their books, spent hell lot of sleeplessnights before the coveted 'Entrance test'....No one really pushed meanywhere...I was a guy who went by the concepts, practical application andstatistics rather than the theory.My urge to develop new strategies andefficient use of resources landed me in IIT rather than my dream 'IIM'....

T-shirts, jeans, pair of shades, medium long hair and perfectly fit body todefine myself....Ace guitarist (learnt to play that on my mom's saying that itwould help woo the girls....and it really did!!!!)Yes...to tell in short, the cool, flirtyguy who hung around with friends and roamed the city at night!!!!


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Coming back to Anitha....Ya, I still remember the first day I saw her...Where itall started....Those eyes, those dimples when she smiled.....OH MY GOD!!!!.....Onelook, just one look....."She swept me off my feet, Oh baby!!!!"

One film that really changed my life!!!

You just don't know how, but love just happens....And it just did for me,November 14,2008, Inox, the day Gautham's 'Vaaranam Aayiram' released......AsI said, that day, marked the 'BEGINNING' and 'END' of my life!!!!

Mom and I were die-hard fans of Vasudev Menon. When the film also featuredSurya, it was the perfect icing on a rich, chocolate truffle. I managed to get

two tickets for only the second show of the day despite having stood for hoursat the reservation counter.

Gautham and Surya!!!!

And topped on that, mom couldn't make it as she had to collect the final yearthesis report in her college!! So it was me, only me, standing in front of the Cokedispenser at Inox, popcorn in one hand, mobile on the other with the two tickets

safely perched in my jean. I had no clue of what to do with the otherticket.Finally deciding to return it to the counter, I turned and walked straighttowards it where I heard a smart but irritated voice cursing"Oh shit!!! Damnit....House full till next week??? How the hell do you suppose me to watch thefilm??"

There she was, pipping with anger.....Fair, tall and damn pretty......Anitha!!!!! Slimand slender, was just the perfect girl with those dark brown eyes and sharpeyebrows.....Boy!!! She was cute, with that beautiful cut (Hey!! I meant herhair....Nothing else!!!) which had strands of hair constantly fall on her

eyes.....The ipod in my ears played "I think she knows she's makin' me hard....Gotevery man in the club like Oh my GOD!!!" Nelly's song read my mindperfectly....Yes...the first look, she swept me off my feet....

I had come near the counter for something....to return the ticket, but Icompletely forgot!!!! I stood there staring a that gorgeous lady....I think she sawme staring!!!! and still didn't seem to care about it....Great, that was a big relieffor me!! When the girl doesn't care when you just stare, why the hell do youneed to turn and pretend to look elsewhere???!!!! I asked myself....Wow!!! I hadframed a rhetorical question...


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She was smokin' 'hot'!!!

I did not know what I was doing then, but suddenly, my hands pulled out thetickets from my pocket....And I simply asked "Care to join me?"...Oh great...Ihad screwed up big time.She started staring at me then......Oh...I just loved thesight!!! But gave a quick repartee," I'm Sanjay, 3rd year, IIT Madras. My momwas supposed to join me, but unfortunately (yeah...soooo fortunately!!!) shecouldn't!!! So I have an extra ticket. Would you like to join me?" That cooled upthings there...She replied excitedly" You in IIT too??? I've never seen you inthe campus!!!" (Yeah...If I ever attended class, you would have...) My heartswelled...I was both nervous and elated."You in IIT? Wow, we both bunked classthen....New to the campus??" I asked. "Ya. This is my first year at IIT and I've

already started hating it!!! And sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Anitha,Anitha Ravindran. I'm staying in Adyar with my Aunt....Parents settled inBangalore. "

It was almost after an hour of conversation that she revealed her name!!!!Seizing the opportunity, I asked he again" It's almost time for the film. Youcoming??" She turned a bit solo, thought for a while and hesitantly spoke....( Iprayed inside for a 'yes', but I just didn't know that it wasn't my day!!! )"Hmm... Uh... I don't think I can join you....I'll catch up with the film later" shesaid. "There goes my pot of gold!!!" I muttered under my breath..."What did you

say?" I think she caught me there..." No, nothing...Then I'll catch you sometimelater. Nice meeting you, young lady...." I screwed up again!!! I couldn't evenaddress her by her name....Such was her beauty....She smiled....I took that to bea 'GET LOST' (With a sweet smile...) I turned and walked back to the catch thefilm in a very unwilling manner....The words she spoke repeated itself in mymind.....

I was just about to enter when I heard her voice again.."Hey hey, Sanjayright..."..She was standing so close to me!!! So damn close....The theatre was jampacked and pushing and pulling was eminent. So close...Oh GOD....My mind was

going places!!! I snapped back to reality...Really, if day dreams do work, will thislittle dream of mine work??...Thoughts filled my mind...."Hello....You dreaming ofSameera even before the film started??" she asked..."No....Sorry....Was justpreoccupied..." I said..."Okay...Sorry about the denial over there....That man inthe counter was actually eyeing me, staring like he hadn't seen anyone like mebefore!!! So I didn't want to accept there...Sorry again. You still have theticket???""Ya...You can join me. No issues...." What a turn around of fortunestoday!!!! " Great, let's move on...Film's gonna' start!!"

And there we entered the dark theatre.....I was damn lucky I tell you....Whatelse would a college guy dream off, when he had a really hot girl sitting next to


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him in a theatre....???...Oh I really loved my life....Sitting side by side, I couldfeel my temperature rising!!!

And boy....did the film ROCK!!! Images of her flashed at the back of my mindwhile 'Nenjikkul Peidhidum' filled the theatre.....And it was like the lyrics werewritten just for me!!! "Ennodu vaa veedu varaikkum...En veetai paar ennaipidikkum" we sang together....I really wished she just came home!!! She tuggedinto me when the film turned really sad!!! Surya had done an excellent job....Weboth had our share of laughs, tears and a great deal of on screen romance....OhGOD...I was really feeling the heat!!!!

As I looked into the bike's mirror, I could see her beautiful face....Damn prettyshe was....(And 'HOT' too!!!My mind really was a devil's workshop!!!)

Yep...The film was over....We both fell in love with the film.....Talked about it fora long time over our late lunch....It was a film which was exactly made for us!!!!We chatted a lot....Got to know about each other pretty well.....She agreed forthe ride back home, considering the fact that Adyar wasn't that far from Inoxand had the expectation that I wouldn't be so cheap to ride over speedbreakers and pits, which forced me to keep up with her expectations!!!....Shereally was smart, I tell you....

Can't forget the ride!!!

As I picked up speed, I could see her beautiful hair flutter in the breeze.....Shewasn't really bothered about it....But I, I just COULDN'T TAKE MY EYES OFFHER!!!! Finally ( unfortunately....) we reached her house....Compact yet stylish, ithad that odd feminine look. And yes...It was time to say good-bye!!!

"Thanks for everything...Had a great time with you!!!! Thank you again....See yousometime later in the campus...Bye!!!" She shook hands, turned back and walkedpast the gate when I called out to her....Finally, I managed to call her by her

name..."Anitha, I have to tell you this....You look so damn pretty..." quoting thedialogue from the movie...And she spontaneously replied" Thanks...I'll take thatas a compliment...You too look damn handsome...." and hurried off laughing....

Now what did that mean????? Did it mean she liked me ??? Or was it just acompliment in return....!!!!Thoughts filled my mind again.... I dreamily kick startedthe Yamaha...It roared back to life in the first kick itself...Did I really fall forher??? Was it truly love??? Love at first sight??

Deep inside, everything was so confusing.....I just got to know her...And sheattracted me like a magnet towards her!!!! What was it that made me like


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her???? If I had fallen for her immense beauty, that was just infatuation....BuI'm too mature to just be infatuated....Or was it just a deep, dark desire tohave her??!!! I was totally out of my mind!!!!

I switched gears and picked up speed...There was just one prominent question atthe back of my mind. Had I 'really' fallen for her?? Was it by anychance,'real'???

Careless whisper....

As I entered the gate, Mom welcomed me with a warm smile....She greeted mewith that customary kiss of hers on my cheek....And in her ears, I whispered

"Ma...I just had the 'BEST' day of my life !!!!""That's great Sanju!!!....I've had a relatively tiring day. Oh...these collegestudents literally kill me!!! Their assignments contain nothing but CRAP...Andsome have bizarre lines like"I'll hang myself if you don't promote me"!!!! As if Iam bothered....Okay...Leave that. You seem to be really pumped up!!! What's itthat my handsome boy had fallen for today???" she asked me.WOW....Did sheread my mind??? Weird...Mom always gets everything right.....

"How did you know I was talking about a girl, Ma?? I asked..."Ha ha...hmm...Let'ssee...I've lived with you for more than twenty years now, Sanjay!!! And I know

exactly what is going through your mind.....The way you parked your bike said itall!!! The way you casually whistled, set your hair and t-shirt right, before yougot off the bike, was more than enough....You were like this when you wereswept off by Sneha,right!!!! she chuckled....

Crushes!!!

"Mom, Sneha was different!! It was just a crush...."."Oh!!! Is that why you

flunked 11th class miserably,son??? You are too vulnerable.....You are just tooeasily attracted by beautiful girls!!!" she replied spontaneously....She caught menapping that time....Sneha...The word brought back memories....Most wonderfulmemories...I was one lucky dude in school....Knocked off the hottest girl, spenthell lot of time with her....But that was totally different. I was in my teens backthen and was really out of my mind!!!! But I have to admit, those were some ofthe most beautiful moments of my school life!!! My first crush, my firstgirlfriend, my first date, my first kiss..(Yo dudes!!! On my cheek....Don't let yourimagination go wild!!!)


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Mom's words truly made sense here!!! Was I just attracted by outwardappearance?? Sneha's case proved to be so...Was Anitha's too??? I thoughthard about all this....Mom just stood there...She never talked when I thoughtfor myself....She always waited for my point of view in every issue before sheguided me!!! Right or wrong....She always guided me towards the decision Imade....

Learn from them....

"Don't let mistakes and failures deter you,They are all part of life,They turn you into a more matured person,

Don't be afraid to commit mistakes, however large in magnitude they may be,But be sure to learn from them......"

She always used to tell me this when I was confused and dejected.....And hercharming eyes said it all at that instant. "You seem really confused son...We willtalk about this after dinner. Now go have a cool wash, don't think ofanything....It has been quite a while since I've seen you so totally wiped out!!!This girl must have blown the wind out of you, I guess!!!!" she said...I scratchedmy head and said "Ya, totally...." in a faint voice.

I splashed the cool water from the faucet on my face....I repeatedly did it untilmy eyes got that burning sensation....It really felt refreshing. I changed into myshorts, got out the Manchester United jersey, remembering that there was amuch awaited Man U vs Chelsea clash on the cards at night....I lazily switched onthe T.V to catch up with the game....Ronaldo looked hot,(in his playingdude....Girls can take it the other way round....) was shooting quiteeffortlessly....Rooney on the other hand, played the perfect support, setting upthe shots quite beautifully....

They just ROCK!!!!

The faint smell of chicken ordered from Dhabba took it's toll on my gustatoryglands.....Yep...Time for dinner....We had a quiet dinner, considering the amountof arguments that would rise up every evening.....But today was totally different.I wasn't exactly thinking of Anitha...I wasn't that interested in the gametoo...Instead, I kept playing with with the fork on my plate.....Mom was smartenough to clear my plate, as soon as i lost interest. I sat down by the couchagain, to relax, take my mind off various things....So much for just 'a day' withher...Imagine what my state would be after I get to know her better!!!!


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Mom put the dishes in the dishwasher, cleaned up the kitchen and had a cool,refreshing glass of orange juice from the fridge before she sat down by myside....She just ruffled my hair, did not say anything....In a calm manner, shestarted off."Tell me more about this girl, son. What made you think she was theright person for you?". I recollected my thoughts. "Her name's Anitha, 1st year,IIT Madras....The same college in which I'm studying in.....Beautiful, gorgeousand damn hot I tell you.....There isn't a fixed reason for me liking her. It was adifferent feeling altogether. Never felt that way before. The moment I sawher, I decided....She is the one.....It just hit me....Just like that....Street smart,bold, decides for herself....We shared a lot in common, Ma!!!! And above all, sheresembled you mom.....Totally!!!! The same beautiful hair, let loose....Thosemysterious brown eyes which makes people really go for a ride, the same chic,casual outlook....Just like you....An exact copy of you!!!! All those that I envied in

you, she had them all....."

Mom's face glowed with pride. I had never seen her flush with so muchhappiness. Tears filled her eyes.....She controlled her emotions beautifully, quitebeautifully....

Emotions unplugged!!!!

After listening patiently, she gently lifted my arm, placed it on my chest andasked me" Tell me son, will you have the same jealous love that you have for hernow, for many more years to come?? Will you stand tall against all odds,withstand all the obstacles, to bowl her over?? Will you?? Are you confidentthat that there is none other in this whole wide world to stand beside you andshoulder your burdens?? If you are confident, there is no stopping you...... Youare well prepared to face the challenges that lie in your path....... But son, loveisn't a game....It is a passion....A desire...You can't go in search of it.....It mustfind you....It must knock you over....It is not about sharing pain or grief, whetheryou are willing to sacrifice your life or not.....Love is not about giving and

taking....It is a connection, connection between souls, which cannot be brokeneven by the spiritual forces of nature....Love isn't just about exchanging cheesylines....Love is love!!! You can't describe it, but can only feel it.....Think twice,thrice before you love....If you think it is really worth your life, love with all youheart, there must be no second thoughts once you step into it....."

She said it only once, but every single letter of her advice remained etched inmy heart.....I said nothing....I wrapped my palm around hers, pressed it againstmy chest and gave a gentle nod of the head......My little gesture spoke more thanwhat was needed at that moment.....That was one of the most heart rendingmoments that I cherish in my heart, even now!!!!


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"Loving to 'just' love is a very difficult task"

This was the phase of my love life that I loved the most.....'Feeling theUnfelt'...Ya, truly....!!! Once you start loving, you start doing crazy things....Idid!!!...OMG!!! The things I did for love....I was so deep in love withher....Anitha!...I just couldn't stop thinking about her! At first, I wasconfused....But I decided.....I was determined....To love her with all my heart...Tobowl her over!!!!

"Loving to 'just' love is a very difficult task".....I just didn't know it by then........

Sorry to interrupt you guys while Sanjay was narrating....The highlight of thisphase is that it wasn't just love that was within Sanjay!!! Reality is verycruel....Love that is projected on a 70mm screen doesn't give us a true pictureof love in reality...It is just an illusion....In real life, it isn't the same....True loveis hard to find....Deep within, there is always a dark urge for something morethan just love!!!! I could find that written all over the place in Sanjay's life....Sojust wanted to bring it out to you guys.....Bring it on Sanjay!!!!We had come a long way....A very long way from the day we first met........Time!!!Hours, minutes, seconds.....It all started to play a significant role in my life, onlyafter I met her....It was hard to imagine...Everything seemed so vague....So

insane....But it wasn't!!!! Everything was true....Everything!!!! From our long talksover the phone to the fun-loving outing to the theatres.....Unbelievable....It waslong past our days of confinement within ourselves!!!! We weren't two, butone....Life isn't a portrait to stand still, without much of exchanges, except forthe timely fading of the mortal picture!!!! Life just isn't made that way.....Life islike an express drive on the highway....You drive safe, the probability of youmeeting with a disaster is less...But never nil....However safe you play, life hasits own surprises for you....

Life isn't just a colourful painting....

I wasn't exactly sure why I was thinking about all this....But everything madesense.....Every single sheet I tore from my daily calender, had its ownsignificance....Its own importance....Its own beauty!!! I loved her company.....Iloved everything that involved her.....I was so madly in love with her.....

Over the past year, the time we spent together was just 'unimaginable'!!!! I haddone nothing better than roam the city and spend my nights over the phone withher.....I still wasn't clear about my thoughts....They just flashed randomly across


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my eyes!!!! I felt Anitha's head over my shoulder.....We were standing on theplatform, outside the campus.....I wasn't exactly sure what this was allabout....Never had I seen Nithu so cautious over something.....Yes, she doesthink twice.....But not this long or this hard either....

Horns blared on the busy main road....Each and everyone on the pavement wasglaring at us, as though we were escaped convicts!!!!! (Yeah...In India, it is acrime to even talk to a girl....You can't expect them to be 'okay' with a scenelike that in a public place!!!.....) I was eyeing them off with a stare that spoke"Get the hell outta' here...What's your problem buddy???" After a long while,she spoke the first words of the day, to break the silence..."Sanjay!!"Whoa...What a start....She leaned towards me....closer...closer...and whisperedinto my ears "Dumb ass!!! I just can't stop thinking about you...."

Both of us just stood there, perplexed!!! Nithu started laughing out aloud afterher surprising confession....I was on Mars!!! Oh boy!!! The feeling oftriumph.....One whole year it had taken, for her to tell this!!!! Joy, exuberance,elation.....Oh... God was truly great!!!! My heart was buzzing withexcitement....She finally pushed me behind and ran back....She kept laughing....Itall made sense now....I was literally numb..."Catch me if you can, Sanju!!!!" sheshouted and started her run....But, as I said, life changes in split-seconds...Within the snap of your fingers.....

Everything seemed so unreal, yet it was all happening!!! Life had its own

surprises in store for me!!! I was a fraction too late to realise, that it wasn'tthe best of places to play catch.....And there, I had committed the first mistakeof my life!!!! Neither did anyone warn her, nor did anyone notice the thirty footcontainer truck rumbling across the road....In seconds, the air changed....Joy,was sucked into a deep mass and all that was left was sorrow!!! She washit...Very badly....And I couldn't react....I rubbed my eyes....."This wasn'thappening....Come on..." No...It was all happening!!!! Just minutes before, I hadher under my control.....But now.....It just slipped away.....Away... In justseconds.....Everything seemed to be sedate, yet so rapid....I couldn't hear or feela thing!!!

Stained!!!

People gathered around her....I pushed my way through the mob....And there shewas....With a petrified look on her face....Blood all over her.....I didn't know whatto do....I couldn't cry or shout out in despair....I was totally helpless.....I raisedher blood soaked by my arms.....The crowd had grown more violent.....Suddenly, Iwas able to hear and feel things....Emotions raced.....Adrenaline was finallyinjected into my heart....."ANITHAaaaa....." I shouted desolately......


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"Why the hell are you shouting in the dead of the night? Are you crazy? Youwanna' wake the people next door...Or what is that girl's name...Yeah,Monika...You wanna' wake her up??" she asked in a frantic manner....."You okay?Are you alright??" I asked her, irrelevantly, in a very doubtful manner.....Shegave me a weird look. I checked her from top to bottom....Yes...The sameslender legs, the same slim waist, the same straight hair.....Last but not theleast, same old Nithu...Oh boy...It scared the hell out of me!!!! "Just adream....Just a dream...Calm down" I told myself. "Now....What did Monika haveto do with me shouting in my dream???!!!!!" I asked her."Oh...Yeah....Right...Great question......You are so dead....Mr.Romeo over here,asks me why I brought cute 'Ms.Monika' into the picture huh.....Don't you startoff another fight here....I know your eyes can't stop popping out when you getto see, Uh..should I say...'HOT' girls??? she replied

spontaneously....."Now...When did you see me with Monika?? Come on...Don'tjoke...Cut it out....When did I go behind her?? I asked innocently.(Ohyeah....Monika...Nithu was right....She was indeed 'Too hot to handle'.....)Shegave me a stern glare..."Okay...Okay...Cool..." I said, trying to calm her.....

Things were more clear now...I was in her room, teaching her FluidMechanics....Oh GOD!!! She totally sucked in that major.....And she had hersemester sitting the following day...So I took pain in teaching her the conceptsin that wretched subject!!!! This wasn't new for me....It was a regularroutine....Me sitting the whole night with her before the tests and module

exams....It was usually she, who dozed off, while I taught....But it so happened, Ifelt drowsy and took a short nap.....

"I had a really bad dream, Nithu......A nightmare to be precise....It scared theshit outta' me!!!!" I said rubbing my eyes...I adjusted them so that I could get aclear picture of my surroundings....You had successfully flunked fluid mech." Isaid, laughing out....."Very funny...I should be the one screaming for that!!!! Whatwere you thinking??". She wasn't in the best of moods to joke around....Shealways took her scores seriously....

"Fair enough....Leave that.....How much are you through???? I asked....She musthave crammed up half the portions....Should be able to scrape through...."I don'tknow for sure, Sanju....It's totally confusing....I'm not really focused on thetheory....I just went through the application part....Can manage the theory usingideas from the practical usage....I'm feeling really tired....Just brief me aboutthese last few concepts, please...." she asked, pointing at a page filled withdefinitions...."Sure Neeths...Will do...."

Cold blooded....


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Fluid Mechanics wasn't that easy....Newtonian, non-Newtonian fluids, the forcesacting on them, plasma....Whoa...Each and every topic was just 'HUGE'... !!!! Itcould make any normal guy to go insane....Such was it's complexity!!!. I skimmedthrough the pages and started briefing her with simple examples.....She listenedwith intent, but was dead tired.....I could see that from her blood-shoteyes....They lacked rest....But she wasn't in a mood to let go of the remainingconcepts.....At the back of my mind, I wasn't truly happy with the whoopingdemands of our college....We were part of one of the nation's most sought afterinstitutes...But it never gave me one bit of satisfaction....I was totally unhappywith their standards and their good for nothing courses!!!! What would I do,knowing about screwed up Newton....Why did he ever have to think 'Why theapple fell down and didn't float up'...Instead, he could have just ate that oneup....At least would have spared the concept of gravitation!!!!

It is all that matters....

I never took pride in telling people that I was a student of IIT....GPA was allthat mattered here...Your grade point average (GPA) is calculated by dividingthe total amount of grade points earned, by the total amount of credit hoursattempted...In simple words, A scale on which a student's performance ismeasured and kept track off....You have a high GPA, you are safe.....You have a

fairly low one, you will be treated like shit....That's what you get for lockingyourself inside your room for two years, mugging, mugging, more mugging andfinally vomiting it on the test paper.....So unfair...People come here with dreamsof making it big in life...But only after coming here do they realise, that eventhe grocer across the street earns more than an IITgraduate....Pathetic...Deplorable condition....

As expected, she dozed off in an hour, off my soothing lullaby on fluidmechanics...I wasn't exactly feeling sleepy...I had just got up from a deepslumber(accompanied by a hell of a nightmare!!!). My head was aching...I just

couldn't stand it's irritation.....I was pretty disturbed after that vision..Iswitched off the room lights, leaving only the table light on....I saw Anithasleeping with her head on the study table.....She really looked sexy...Nowords.....What a woman!!! What a body!!!!....You just can't resist.....It just pulledyou towards it....And I was alone...All alone with her....Yes....The urge to makelove was just too much for me to handle...My hands movedcloser...Closer.....Suddenly, i snapped back....I switched over to my normalstate.....What was I doing?? Idiot...What was I thinking?? So cheap....This justhappened more often than I feared it would....


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I needed to get away from her....I needed some fresh air very badly....I openedthe balcony and stepped out......The cool midnight breeze felt heavenly....Tookme to a completely different world....Memories...Happy ones, filled my mind....Itmade me sing the old, everlasting duets of the late 80's.....The whole midnightfeel was enchanting!!!. The moon shone brighter than ever, adding a sparkle toeverything it's light fell on!!!!. Complete harmony....Me, myself and I......This iswhere I stood after one year of our meeting....

The past year was the best time I had, and would probably have in my wholelife!!!!. Long walks, engrossing gossips on the phone, late night studying, bunkingclasses, riding in the highways, coffee shops, tea stalls, movies....Oh boy, Ienjoyed it all, every bit,every single bit....Even Nithu's aunt did not tell anythingabout it....She was cool, understood that we were old enough to take our owndecisions.....(Yeah....I was only old, never good enough at decision making). She ,

like somewhat, I dunno'.....She just trusted Nithu with me.....That was the onlything that kept me at bay....You just can't break an old woman's heart by hittingon a girl with whom she trusts me so much with!!!!

My feelings for Nithu had grown stronger....I wanted to have her, very badly!!!. Iwas too possessive with her......Never liked her talking or moving with otherpeople of my own sex......(Jealousy, hatred to be precise....Euphemism plays amajor role in defining for myself a good guy image!!!) I wanted her by my side,always....I never had the heart to leave her....She was so damn attractive....And Iwas so damn attracted!!!Lust....Yeah,totally....How the hell do you suppose me to

be dignified and matured, when my want for her is so...so...(What should I say, Iwanted her very badly indeed....)

People around me started to hint that I wasn't the same.....They constantlycomplained that I was a totally different person altogether, when girls werearound....(True...You bring out your romeo stuff only when you are withthem...Not when around guys...I'm straight dudes!!! Come on....Thinkpractically!!!!). But I wasn't much bothered about it.....People whine to expresstheir disgust....That doesn't really mean that I have to satisfy them, comeunder their terms!!! My life....I lead it the way I want!!! And I loved the way I

was....

Midnight beauty!!!

The one thing about her that really fascinated me was her casual take onthings....She liked people to be frank and straight-forward.....Whatever it maybe, she took it all in a very light manner....That is what really pushed me to loveher more!!!. The amount of understanding we had for each other, cannot beorated in words......She remained who she was.....She didn't change, even a


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little....But I did....I started prioritizing people....My world literally revolvedaround Anitha....Sometimes(Okay, most of the times), I overdid things forher....I had lost most of my good old friends, running behind her!!!!. I still didn'tknow if what I did was actually right....Whenever I had this negative thought inmind, one look at Nithu's face, just erased everything.....I preferred Nithu overmy best friends.....And rightly so, not many talked to me in college....There aresacrifices you have to make for love!!! You just can't escape from it....Andunsurprisingly, I lost too much to repent for now....Love is indeed painful....But itdoes have its own charm!!!

I wasn't a fool to let go of these without a good reason!!. I was damn sure Nithuliked me....You just don't lie on someones shoulder, eat the same ice-cream theyate, roam the city on the bike with them nor do you allow them so confidently,into your room, to stay for the whole night!!!!. She shared her deepest and

darkest secrets with me.....You just don't do all this, without it, having a specialmeaning....Whether I understood her completely or I misjudged her totally, Iwas damn sure that she definitely liked me!!!.

"Loving someone isn't a very big task....But to confess it is....."

Yes.....One of the toughest things to do, was to confess my guilt!!!!!. I thoughthard and long about it.....I just couldn't figure out a way to tell her...I had to tellher one day!!!. That was for sure....It isn't so easy to vent it outta' your heart,

just like that....It needs a completely sure mind(Yep...You must be totallyinsane!!!), should have no second thoughts...Coz once into it, there is 'NO WAYOUT'!!!!.....Whenever I was with her, it was a totally different feeling....My bodygrew hot...I was never normal...I wasn't sure if she knew about it, but I felt soinsecure!!! I was afraid would, at some stage, go outta' my own control.....I knewmy limits and I seldom crossed it....But it wasn't the same case, when she wasaround....That's why I always kept away from her, when alone.....I never eventried looking at her....I was not sure why I couldn't be my normal self !!!!....

Sense and simplicity!!!!

I had the feeling that I felt the same way, as during my school days with Sneha,when, around Anitha!!!!. The same crazy thoughts, the same damnurge....Why??...I did not have an answer for that....Our relationship seemed sostrong, yet so weak.....These hidden emotions of mine, played havoc.....Her lyingon my shoulder, swept me off my feet...I, more than comforting her when sheneeded me, enjoyed the feeling of control....Her touch spelt pure mischief in myworkshop!!!!. I had to put these thoughts aside....The only solution to this, was to


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find out whether she too loved me, had the same feelings for me!!!!. I wasn'texactly confident....I doubted my own fate....Uncertainty filled the air.....

I decided...Made up my mind to tell her.....Explain my feelings for her....Thatday...I was going to tell her that day!!!!. I took out a coin from my pocket andspun it into the air....I let the small piece of nickel and brass choose my fate!!!!."If heads, I confess...If tails, okay, never mind...I better spin it again" I crudelyspoke to myself....I caught the coin midway through its landing and hoped forthe best....."Heads was the call and........HEADS it is!!!!!". I chose my ownfate.....Once decided, I seldom backed off.....

As I went into the room, I checked the time....It was actually six in themorning...."Time to go home" I whispered to the clock and went on to wake Nithuup....I gently nudged her shoulder....She opened her eyes faintly, got up from the

chair, yawning and looked at me....My GOD...Did she look gorgeous....Thoseeyes....Those mysterious eyes....Just couldn't miss her gaze....She stretched herbody and was a bit wayward for a while, before she could turn normal....

"Hey Neeths, I gotta' leave.....Open the front door for me, will you?" I askedher softly....."Yeah....Hey Sanju,sorry man, couldn't stay up long to hear yourexplanation....I was dead tired...." she said, in a very apologetic tone..."Oh. comeon....Always there for you" I said firmly, patting her back...I meant that,seriously!!!! I was about to confess my love, but suddenly, I feltlost....'AGAIN'!!!!.....The words wouldn't just come out....

What a woman!!!!

She opened the front door and unlocked the gate....She pushed it open....Istepped out of the house and walked slower than a dead snail....How was I evergoing to tell her??. How would she react to it??. Thoughts raced throughout mymind....Just as I was about to get on my bike, she came close to me and said "Youare so sweet....Love you so much" in a very soft tone and hugged me gently...She

leaned closer and to my surprise, kissed me on my cheek....Her rosy lips feltwarm on my cheek.....YES.....MY FIRST KISS(From her I meant!!!)...My heartskipped a beat...Higher, higher I went.....I couldn't react, but I knew I had totell her something....The moment seemed just perfect.....I started the bike andslowly moved it out to the street....I stood there, just stood there...I searchedfor the perfect words....I turned to my left and saw Anitha....My heart beatfaster....So fast, that it could have jumped out.....I regrouped every single cellof my body, swallowed hard and called out,"Anitha....I...."I......Nothing....Just wanted to wish you luck!!" were the words that I managedto blurt out.....Such was my state....I just couldn't tell her, my feelings forher....."I love you"....So simple....A combo of three monosyllabic words, put


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together to form a very vague statement which could take millions of meanings,depending upon the context and mood of its usage......But is never easy to get itoutta' your mouth when needed!!!! A line so popular in contemporary film-making.....I really don't understand how the protagonist carries out this so-called 'stunt' with such flair and panache....To tell you the truth, he must beGOD!!!!!

Damn neatly portrayed in films, the protagonist meets the girl, immediately fallsfor her (On the spot, no second thoughts...!!!!), goes behind her 24x7, gets herbehind him and after some stunning visuals for a breezy, captivating couple ofhours, the movie ends with the statement "And so, they lived happily everafter!!!!"....YOU KIDDING ME!!!!!...Totally insane......So easy to screen it on thebig screen....Bloody hell....If I could just get my hands on the ruddy director,he's dead for sure!!!! If loving someone was like a walk in the park, I wouldn't be

spinning yarns, here, in the first place!!!!

Okay, Sanjay.....Take a break....It's long since I've talked to your readers....Letme share my thoughts with them, if you don't mind...!!!!

"Whatever said and done, a statement like that from a person who himself hasnarrated the similar sequence of love at first sight, roaming the city 24x 365without much of problems and fights, is totally unacceptable!!!...To be honest, Iwas deliberate in my approach...Even though I sang the same, age-old 'GregorianChant' with an extra dosage of Oregano seasoning and a hint of chilly flakes

sprinkled at the top, people really appreciated the effort I had taken to put mypoint across....I am truly grateful to them....At the same time, I found out thatpeople actually fell for the cheesy concept of love!!!

Love can't mend the mess that it creates!!!!

Hmm....Interesting....The same way I fell for it....The same GOD DAMN WAY!!!!!In my opinion, LOVE = HEARTBREAK + SUFFERING + INSANITY......+

n(PAIN)!!!!!!Now here is where I leave the choice to you dudes......People whodisagree with my statement, may please 'GET THE HELL OUTTA' MYNOTE!!!!'....On the contrary, if you agree, you are most welcome to join me, in myjourney to 'The E.N.D'.....

Do remember, that I take into account the meaning of love, here, in my note tobe 'Infatuation' or 'Crush'.......One that makes a guy or a girl in their teens orearly twenties go rabid about!!!! So, decide for yourself guys.....Many or should Isay, most, believe in the statement 'Love makes life beautiful'.....I don't say no,provided you guys understand what 'love' actually means!!!! I kinda' figured outwhat it truly implies, not exactly though......A very vague picture is what I have


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in store for you guys.....(That's because the author himself is just sixteen yearsold....Not the best of guys to be talking about 'love and stuff'!!!!...)

Just fades away!!!! Temporary madness to be precise.....

I may be right....Otherwise, I might have interpreted it all wrong.....But it isnever wrong to write and express what you feel on the inside.....My pen, mythoughts.....I pen it down....No one can question why!!!!! So here goes my theory,through the story....Bring it on Sanjay!!!!"It was one of those nights, where everything seemed to resemble my mood...Themoon shone brighter than ever...It was the only thing that separated me fromthe darkness...Rain thudded on the glass windows of the closing

stores....Thunder kept crashing down...The spiritual forces of nature appearedto read the inside of me...Dark, gloomy, yet optimistic....

White beauty....

Either the night was made for me, or I, was made for it....Thick clouds chokedthe sky...With such dense, black clouds gathering around, the rain wasn't goingto stop any sooner, or even later!!! There was a total blackout...Not a single

street light illuminated the spooky, dingy alley....

I was wearing a black overcoat, which kept me warm from the freezing windblowing across, holding in my hand a small package....No sign of any means oftransport!!!. It was like a scene stolen from a classic Sherlock Holmesmystery....Something just didn't fall in place...That night, was so unlike...sounlike Valentine's night...Yes..It was a momentous night...Very specialindeed...Especially for me!!! (For 'us' to be precise). Valentine's night, among allother nights, is one of the most vibrant, charismatic, exuberant, red-letternights, filed with intimacy, euphoria and ecstasy in the cold February air!!!! The

rule about this extraordinary night, is to 'Expect the UNEXPECTED'.....I wasalways fascinated by the candlelight dinners, slow jazz music playing in thebackdrop, expensive wines of exquisite flavors....Beautiful gowns, manly tuxedos,the shiny silverware, sizzling steaks, the ever romantic dance floor....

Candle light....

It was my dream to propose to my loved one in such extravagant grandeur!!!. AndI loved to live my dreams....But haplessly, the rain played spoil sport....But that


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didn't stop my preparation for my first ever, official proposal...Although thepackage I held was diminutive in stature, the contents in it were priceless...Alittle red, heart-shaped box containing a sparkling platinum ring inside it and ahand written note reading "Would you accept me?", in a bold fashion, was allthat the package contained.....All that was needed to melt the hearts of theopposite sex!!!!. Though the explanation of the gift was so easy, it was never thesame when deciding on which one to finalize on!!!.

There were a thousand rings to choose from and a thousand quotes to write onthat piece of paper...But it was that one ring, that one line, that made you pauseand look back for a second, that mattered and meant the most!!! I had lots instore for the night, but as I couldn't find a single reservation in any of the toprestaurants, I had to find an alternative, keeping in mind that I loved to live mydream of wine and candlelight dinner proposals....And the best exchange I could

find was 'HOME SWEET HOME'....Yeah..There is and never will be a betterplace in this whole wide world than your own villa....I lived in one..A big onetoo..(And without fail, have a hard time cleaning it with my mom!!). It is one ofthe many things, that an average Indian has in his so-called 'To-do' dreamlist...Having your own house gives you the power of freedom, the right to dowhatever you want!!. The feeling of ruling the world....And alas, it was truly thebest dinner spot I could think of.....

Surprise!!!!

Bloody hell, it wasn't easy arranging everything....I had to do all the hectic workmyself, with mom having left to London, to attend the yearly InternationalCollege Conference....And I have to say, managing the household wasn't thateasy!!!. My back was still stiff after I cleaned up the whole house...But it was avery different experience!!!. You tend to discover all the lost things that youhad once searched for.Old photos, posters, magazines, hidden love letters,dried up roses, cards for all occasions!!!. It really was a nostalgic journey to thepast!!! I had taken out moms secret recipes to cook the wonderful salads and

appetizersI had my favorite wines flown from Chile the earlier weekAnd notto forget, tons and tons of candles to create the most romantic and expressivedining experience!!. Long story told short, all this was unknown to Anitha.Iwanted to surprise her in every possible wayI had called her over to my place,trying not to reveal as much as possible

I was running late already and the rain never looked like stopping, as though itgave me no other option than to get drenched, which I hated by all means.So, Ihad to ride my bike through the icy drops of heavens joyous tears!!! Catch meif you can! I shouted to the tear drops, as I shifted to higher gearsThe roadswere so damn horrible.Insanely horrible!!! Lucky I didnt end myself up in a


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drain!!! I stood there, before the gate of my house, thanking God for my safetrip through the slippery, unpredictable, bumpy roads

Waiting..Waiting...

Not to my surprise, Anitha was there already, waiting, looking at her watch fromtime to time. Better hide the gift before she sees it buddy! I said to myself,pushing the package into my left jean pocketOh boy! I was always latewhenever my life needed me mostI entered the gate slowly and parked mybike, expecting a stern look on her face.And never had she disappointed me!!!Holy crap! Where the hell have you been in this rain, Sanju? You are wet alloverGet over here..Let me get you dried up she said frowning, snatching the

house keys from my hand

Changed my life....Stole my heart!!!!

She had been there a thousand times then and hence, could walk through thehouse, blind-folded!. And that, helped her tread her way to my room upstairs, toget a towel for myselfAs she ascended the stairs, I hurried to the kitchen andsearched for the lighter I had bought. Darn thingWhere the hell are you

hiding? I mumbled to myselfI slowly moved my hand over the kitchen counterand there it was. Gotcha! I exclaimed under my breath, trying to find my wayback to the dining room, to light the numerous candles surrounding the spreadout tableI was just halfway through lighting, when Anitha called out, Sanjay,I have to admit, you are too good at household chores dude!!! The house is sodamn neat, even in the dark!. She started laughing as she came down thestairsOh no! I had to buy timeShit...Why the hell doesnt my brain thinkstraight when it was needed to!! Hey Neethu, get me a T-shirt to change, willyou? I desperately need to get outta this mess! I stammered, clumsily lightingthe candles simultaneously Will do she said, turning back upstairs.I was

almost done, when she returned to the stairsSomething smells really good!Youve been cooking or something? she asked, as she descended the stairs.

Love...

Hey!! I asked you.What the. She stood still, frozen in time, towel in onehand and a sweatshirt in the other, dearly gasping for breath, unable tospeak.More than two dozen candles of every available color, size and shape


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sparked up the place, inventing the most secluded, seductive yet passionatefeel!!! She placed the towel and sweatshirt by the table, rubbed her eyes againand againShe put on her widest grin, her twinkling eyes filled with tears ofhappiness Dont tell me Im not dreaming all this she said, yet to recoverfrom the surprise UmmIm afraid thats a yes.Yes, you arent. I repliedmodestly, scratching my head.

Oh Sanjay, It is so..soso beautiful!! she broke down, hugging me as tight aspossibleOh JesusShe got me fired up, yet again!!!! She withdrew, after a long,warm hugNot that I didnt enjoy it, but I just expected more!!! I really haveto appreciate you for thisOne of the best moments of my life!!! You seriouslyhad me going for a moment, SanjayYou know what, you are damnunpredictable.You flirt with everyone (An obvious fact!!), you really get peoplecrazy about youThe things that you do..Oh My GodThey are just amazing!!! I

must say, Im really glad to have you in my life, as my closest!! It means a lot!!she said, with those teary eyesI could feel every word of hers, with my eyesclosed.Anything for you, NeethuYou are the best thing that has everhappened to me!! I said, pulling back the chair

The best thing that has ever happened....

Asseoir s'il vous plat, Mademoiselle. There is still more on tonights menu I

told her, in an unseemingly perfect French accent. "Avec le plaisir, Monsieur...."she replied, taking her seat, speaking in what, was actually French.I totallysucked in French, from my high school daysAnitha seemed to be the exactopposite!!!.

"Would you care for a drink? I asked her, in a very gallant fashion...."Oh yes,please....I wouldn't mind intoxicating myself, after falling in love with thisenvironment you've created.....Everything is just perfect!!!" she said, waiting forher glass to be filled....I took the wine bottle out of the fridge, with a tray ofice to serve, if needed.....I held the bottle high and read out the label "'Casa

Lapostolle Clos Apalta' , from Colchagua Valley, Chile, 'Carmenere, CabernetSauvignon, Merlot, Petit Verdot' being its varietal, from the winery 'CasaLapostolle', vintage being '2005'..... Alcohol content counting 14.5 % and thecategory being 'red'!!! Enjoy the wine madame!!" I said, pouring the winecarefully into her glass....She tasted the wine and saluted with the glass, givingme the thumbs up for the right choice....

The next on the menu was, by all means, the best I could innovatively thinkofA romantic song, an unplugged version of it, to be played on the guitar by me!Oh boy, did I have a tough time choosing the tailor-made song for the night.Not only that, I had to perfect it, with the limited time I had on the cards, it


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was totally frenetic!!. I took out the Hummingbird from its cover, wiped the pickon my jean and kissed it good luckNot that I was nervous, but it was the firsttime I was playing the guitar in front of Anitha, in the dark, on ValentinesnightEverything seemed so absolutely in place and sync with the mood hoveringaround us..And so, I started with my customary strum of the basic chords,moving and gliding through the frets and at last started the song I've beenalone with you inside my mind, And in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousandtimes, I sometimes see you pass outside my door, Hello, is it me you're lookingfor? I sang and strummed simultaneously..I never quite looked at the stringsto check my fret positions, but I had my eyes locked with Anithas.

Looks CAN kill....

In the dim, golden yellow backdrop, Anitha looked like an Angel.The one whowere to cure my pain, the one to fill my empty life, the one to live my dream!!!She looked directly into my determined eyes, with a gaze that tossed me up inthin air.She looked, not out of admiration, but out of love!!!Her eyes seemed tospeak in the darkIt felt like they asking me, Would you be the same, ever-loving, charming man to walk with me, hand in hand, over the sands of the beach,even when I am old and unattractive??. And I answered them through mine, Iwill be there for you, ever and always!!!.. Tell me how to win your heart, For Ihaven't got a clue, But let me start by saying ... I love you were the final lines I

sang from Lionel Ritchies all-time favorite and ever-loving Hello.I didnt lookelsewhere, but her shimmering eyes.She clasped her mouth with her hands,appreciating the picture-perfect unplugged version

Tears of joy!!!

I.I have no words, Sanjay.I knew you could play the guitar, but I neverimagined you would be soso..great a player of the Gibson.I just love that song

and always dream of learning to play the guitarAnd look at you!!! Strummingthe strings with style, sans tension Music is a unique connection between theheart and the soul.You can make the world listen to you, not by gritty words,but by playing good music to please their senses!!! You really are awe-inspiring.I just love you for this!!! she whispered in the faintest manner, making it all themore sweet to hear!!!!....I just love you for thisI just love you for this, werethe words that rang in my ears.Those words were etched in my heart,forever!!....


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Why dream of playing when you can, with a little help!!! I told her Come overhere, lets run this one more time, this time, with you strumming the lead. Shecame over to me, sat between my widespread legs and put her hands over theguitar Now, hold the pick with your right hand, leave the other alone I said,making my posture comfortable and placed my right hand over hers, with my lefton the fret.I gently moved her hand, strumming the chords randomlyI had toget the smooth flow going before I started the song.While she enjoyed thefact that she was actually playing, I, on the other hand, wasnt exactlyenjoyingThoughts raced my mindI was shivering all overAnd I never quitefelt normal!! The darker side of my coin was enjoying the show

Up close...

I started singing in a very soft tone, hiding the shake, while she too joined inwith me, after finding the pitch I was singing inShe sang marvelously,effortlessly.Her voice magnified the feel of the song.It was just like oldtimes, singing together, not worried about anything else that surrounded us..Itook care of the fret positions, while she strummed the chords, in the mostgentle manner As we ended the song, something pushed mePushed me tomake the biggest blunder of the night.I had to be patient in my approach, butanxiety took its toll on my body!!! And hence, as we sang together But let mestart by saying ... I love you.. I gripped her hands tightly, not letting go of

themA sudden impulse, it was never deliberate!! But that was enough to getAnitha uneasy.I released mine from hers, quickly adding Oh sorry! II didntmean toYou did..Umm..Great!! I stammeredAnd there, at that instant, I knewI had blown it all up!!! Big time.

The 'PUSH'...

I put down the Gibson, took out the package from my jean and slid it through

her hands.Silence and suspense was deliberate there.No one spoke for a longtime

The proposal...

She unwrapped the package, neatly and carefullyShe took out the heart-shaped box and the hand written note.She opened the note first and readitWithout closing it, she opened the box, to find in it a platinum ring with astunning diamond, that topped the icing


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Will she???

I held her shoulder clumsily, put my head close to her ears and asked Wouldyou accept me? in a very shaky toneShe didnt respondI never got to see hereyes, but I could sense her mood changingSomething wasnt rightShe slowlylifted her hands, used them to lift mine off her shoulder. If I do accept this,something is definitely gonna go wrong in the dark tonight! And I dont fancythat even in my dreams she said, exactly reading what went on inside meShegot up, placed the ring and the note on the table and walked across it.Shenever turned to face me

Changing moods...

Love is handsome, love is kind, but slowly makes you lose your mind.FalseloveFalse love..Screw it!!! A lesson I have learnt the hard way!! I never shouldhave let you cross the road for me, the road of life.Nevercause I never knewthe kind Thank you I said, would spell mischief in your mind!!! Why Sanjay??Why? Why you?? ShitEVEN YOU!!! Damn, I let myself slip through yourhands!! she shouted, as she broke into tears. Neethu, I, SHUT UPLet me

finishAnd call me Anitha. She barked backI turned silentI washelplessAnd I was totally perplexed..What wrong did I do?? Hell!! Why wasshe reacting so sharply?? But the truth was, she never allowed me tothink..She just didnt pause.The courtroom had just warmed up, the case hadjust grown hotter, while the judge, was fuming already!!!

"You know, I admired you so much...Not only that, I envied you too!!! A guy likeyou could get any girl on her heels!!! You were so unpredictable....So damn

unpredictable...And you keep proving that, time and again.....Just that it wasn'texactly what the doctor had ordered, this time around...The past year was atotal makeover to my usually monotonous, moribund life...And for that, I thankyou!! Whole heartedly....Love letters, roses, crushes, dates aren't new tome....Being a bombshell isn't always, as colorful and lively as it looks....You haveto put up with a million stares at your body, have to deal with roses and loveletters at every damn corner...IT ISN'T ACTUALLY FUN!!!! It shows yourinsecurity with the world outside....But when all that is done, by someone, whomyou trust yourself with, a person whom you like, a person who was there to sharethe depression and blissfulness, at every step of your life, is totally


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unacceptable...At least not by me!!! Now, why the hell won't people accept thestatement 'A boy and a girl can never be 'just' friends'!!!!!.....

What a woman!!!!

I never quite understand your outlook on love...Love is not about care, affectionor bonding....It's about what you can give, without expecting anything in return!!!It's that selfless quality, that's called 'LOVE'!!! And I don't see that happeninganytime before getting married...You have known me, for what, lets see...forabout a year!!! We both are in college, I have a long way to go, while you, arepreparing yourself to step into the next phase of life!!! And amongst all this,where do you find time for loving, planning and getting married!!! At this

juncture, our future is unpredictable and bleak....Where do we start our life???From scratch?? Life after marriage, is when you truly understand life, learn tolive with the harsh realities, without the willing suspension of disbelief.....That'swhen you really start loving...And it's never easy, raising kids, guiding themthrough the tough times, driving them into jobs!!! The amount of sacrifice youtend to do for your family, is what love actually means....And a winning shot atlife, is indirectly, a three-pointer at love, 'cause it never goes unnoticed!!! It's anever-ending chain...What goes around...Yes...Comes back around!!!!" she paused,after a page long lecture...I wasn't in the mood for talks here...I neededanswers...And none of her words, made sense to me....

"Cut the crap, Anitha...I agree with all your statements...But I need answers, formy unanswered questions!!! You say, I broke your trust...If that is so, then inwhat way have I?" I asked her, in a very firm tone.... "You better reduce yourtone dude...You don't want this to end up, ugly, do you?....I considered you as myclosest pal...The best buddy I ever had!!! You were there when I neededhelp...You were there to sort out things...You shared a special place in myheart...The things you did, the way you did them, were things that I loved, lived

and cherished every moment!!! You, as a pal of mine, had to lift me from thepath of thorns....But instead, you, made yourself the thorn, which I can neverhelp...." she said calmly, without any hesitation...She still did not face me whiletalking....I was frustrated....Anger boiled on the inside....

Frustration....

"If that's the case, don't tell me you didn't love me...Not even for a second inthe past year??...Nobody just lies on some one's shoulder, kisses them on the


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cheek, tells a thousand 'I love you for this' , without any intention behind it!!!So, you say, they were all just 'friendly'?? Between a boy and a girl....Justfriendly??" I bellowed at her.... "So, finally, you've come to the part dealing withmy actions...Great...I was expecting that...One thing that you have tounderstand, is the fact that I admired you...I still would and will say, I did loveyou for the things you did!!! I have no second thoughts held back.... Whateveryou did, was just...just startling!!! Not everyone can be as doting, compassionateand patient, as you were....I saw you to be different, just to find out, that youwere in no way special to the rest around me....Yes, I agree...Not everyone lieson some one's shoulder, kisses them on their cheek....It was not someone...Itwas you...My sweet heart!!! The point is, I found you so damn concerned andsolicitous, that I never could have equalled it with just overstated words ofgladness!!! I wanted to show you, that I really treasured certain things, as theymeant a lot to me!!! As I mentioned earlier, I never in my wildest dreams,

thought the kind 'Thank You' I wished, would spell mischief in your mind!!! Whycan't a smile or a handshake, be taken as a normal gesture??..Why not?? Askyourself, Sanjay...Why not??...." she asked, as she turned towards me, postingher question....

Fixed....

"There is no rocket science involved in this, Anitha....To be precise, a smile or a

handshake can be taken as its normal self, as a casual gesture....But, if the smileis persistent and deliberate, if the same handshake is warm, tight and followedby a loving hug, then why wouldn't we guys, go for a trip to the Alps!!!...It ishuman nature, Anitha...Attraction and lust, are inevitable" I said, looking ather....The moon shone brighter than ever....That's the second time I'vementioned that...Under the soft moon light, she was too hot to handle!!! Hercasual brushing of the straight hair from her forehead, was always worth asecond look...I was damn disoriented....Love or lust??? Was my love, actuallylust?? Yes...In a way....I fell for her, on first sight....Pure appetence.....But then,we had known each other pretty well now, as more than one year had passed the

day of our meeting!! We were too attached to each other....So..Was itLUST???...Or....Was it LOVE???? Was it just blind infatuation, or a true, heartfelt proposal??? Not to forget, dark thoughts of intimate relations too, filledmy mind!!! I couldn't settle for an answer....I just didn't then know, that thebloody question would haunt my mind and soul, for years to come!!!!

The last thing I could recall, of that fateful night, was a very sarcasticexchange of words, between the two of us.... "As you said Anitha, 'What goesaround, comes back around'..." I said, stopping her ,on her tracks....And without


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turning, she replied "Oh yeah...I forgot...What goes around, does come backaround....But the beauty of it is....It will again, definitely go back around!!!! So,why waste your life...Move on man....You've pushed your luck enough!!!", slammingthe door on my face.....The last words she spoke, were the ones that reallybroke me down....

Shattered....

I was impotent...So exposed....Her words had ripped me apart!!! She left mehurt, all alone, in the dark....They say, time washes away the stains in yourlife....But time, never worked in my case.....Time was incongruent....Days, nights,summer, winter, were things that I hardly noticed....I had succumbed to

time...And it had finally caught up with me....I lived in the past, futureunnoticed!!! She had slammed the door at my broken heart!!! My life, wasshattered into pieces, which could never be put back....

Someone.....Somewhere...At 23:13.....

My life, turned into an unanswered riddle...The answer, for which no one knew orwould dare to explore....It's memories fading...fading...Definitely fading with

time...But never, completely healing the scars....'LOVE-THE BEGINNING ANDENDING OF LIFE'...My life....My screwed up life......

my_story girish krishnan

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