my marriage my choice · every year there are more forced ... would not be able to say no to their...
TRANSCRIPT
My Marriage My Choice
Finding out about forced marriage of peoplewith learning disabilities
Easy read version of:My Marriage My Choice research projectFebruary 2018
What is in this report
What is this about? 1
Where did we do the research? 3
Who did we talk to? 4
What did we find out from information about forced marriagesof people with learning disabilities?
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What did we find out by talking with people?
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What people with learning disabilities told us
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What family carers of people with learning disabilities told us
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What community and religious leaders told us
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What staff told us 19
What needs to happen 24
Who can help? 29
Words you might not know already 31
This report presents independent researchfunded by the NIHR School for Social CareResearch. The views expressed are those of theauthor(s) and not necessarily of the NIHR,School for Social Care Research, Department ofHealth and Social Care or the NHS.
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What is this about?
People with learning disabilities have theright to marry. They also have the rightnot to marry.
Sometimes people may try to make youmarry someone when you do not want to.This is a forced marriage.
With this research project we want to:
find out about people with learningdisabilities and forced marriage
tell managers and staff what ishappening
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● write some rules to help keepvulnerable adults safe from this.
The law says a forced marriage is when:
One or both people do not agree to themarriage and they have pressure orabuse to make them marry
OR
One or both people do not understandwhat marriage means. So they cannotconsent to the marriage.
Forced marriage is against the law. Thismeans families may be in trouble whenthey force you to marry someone.
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Where did we do the research?
We looked at information about forcedmarriages and people with learningdisabilities. We found that each year thereare more reports of people with learningdisabilities being forced to marry.
We found that most of the forcedmarriages reported were in these areas:
London and south east England
In Birmingham and round Birmingham
Lancashire and Manchester
Yorkshire and Humberside.
So this is where we decided to do ourresearch.
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Who did we talk to?
We wanted to talk with people withlearning disabilities and people who helpthem to make decisions. So we talkedwith:
people with learning disabilities
their families
people who are important in theircommunity and their religion or belief
staff in services.
We met people by themselves and insmall groups.
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What did we find out frominformation about forcedmarriages and people withlearning disabilities?
Every year there are more forcedmarriages of people with learningdisabilities reported.
Both men and women with learningdisabilities can be forced to marry. At themoment more men with learningdisabilities than women with learningdisabilities are reported as being forced tomarry.
People with learning disabilities are olderthan other people who are forced tomarry.
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So usually people who are forced to marryare teenage girls or young women. But forpeople with learning disabilities there aremore people in their 20’s or 30’s or 40’s.
Staff need to know this so they know whomay need support to stop a forcedmarriage.
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What did we find out bytalking with people?
What people with learningdisabilities told us
We talked with 19 people with learningdisabilities:
3 people by themselves
the others in 3 groups.
They said things like:
● There are lots of people I know whowould not be able to say no to theirmums and dads.
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Saying no is hard isn’t it? Because youcould lose everything, you could loseyour family.
Family cannot force you, it’s yourchoice if you want to get married ornot married, it’s your choice.
If I said that to my eldest uncle, Ididn’t want to marry her because Imade a mistake, he would hit the roof……… I was supposed to get married toher, which I didn’t want to. And that’swhy I got … stuck in the middle. I wasforced to get married to her.
The people we spoke to know they havethe right to choose who they marry. But itis not always easy to use this right.
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Some people said clearly to us that theyhave the right to choose for themselves.But found it hard to say that to theirparents.
We gave the people with learningdisabilities we met different stories aboutmarriages to talk about. They found itdifficult to be sure about what was rightand wrong with the stories. It was quiteeasy to get them to agree with what wesaid.
Some people wanted to marry theirboyfriend or girlfriend. But family toldthem to stay as friends or have a longengagement with no wedding date.
Some people with learning disabilitiesspoke up strongly about saying no to aforced marriage. Some people did notspeak up so strongly.
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They were people who:
were not so good at making decisionsin all parts of their life
did not fully understand whatmarriage was about
did not have many ideas of what wasgood and not good in a marriage
did not know a lot of different peopleand did not go out to things in theircommunity.
Many people with learning disabilities donot know all these things. They may find ithard to say no to a forced marriage.
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What family carers of people withlearning disabilities told us
We talked with 23 family carers:
6 people by themselves
the others in 2 groups.
Most of them were mothers but there wasone sister and an aunt. Most family carerswere women but there were 2 men. Onewas a father and the other a brother.
They said things like:
It’s something that every parent wantsfor their child is for them to be happilysettled in life with someone who’sgoing to look after them when we’renot around … I think anyone’snightmare is being lonely.
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The partner if he is good, theyunderstand the person’s situation, thatis okay.
If they think oh no, there is no care,nobody is going to look after my son ordaughter, then maybe they will forcetheir son or daughter.
Their community reacted in different waysto their family having someone withlearning disabilities.
Some felt accepted in their whole familyand by their friends and their community.
Others felt they were left out of everythingand that people thought they werestrange.
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Many families found it hard to see adifference between a forced marriage andan arranged marriage.
Family carers understand that not allpeople with learning disabilities can maketheir own decisions. But they do not reallyunderstand about capacity. This is aboutsomeone being able to make a particulardecision or choice at a particular time.
So a person can choose going in a car or atrain because they understand thedifferences. This does not mean theyunderstand and can choose to marry.
Capacity is very important in decisionsabout marriage. The law says if you don’thave capacity to make a decision aboutmarriage you cannot get married. Familycarers do not know a lot about this law.
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They worried a lot about if their familymember should get married. They reallywanted them to be happy and for manyfamilies this means people should marry.
They expect it will be possible for theperson to marry. And that they can findthe right partner. This may not be true.
Sometimes they worried a lot about if thepartner will be able to cope. This meantthey did not think about what the personwith learning disabilities wanted.
Many families thought about marriage sothe person would be looked after in thefuture. The older people in the family didnot think about what other help peoplecould get. Younger family members didthink about what other help people couldget. So they may be able to tell olderpeople in the family what other helppeople could get.
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What community and religiousleaders told us
We talked with 16 people important in thecommunity and religions:
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5 people by themselves
the others in 2 groups.
They were from different religions andcommunities including:
Muslim
Baptist
Roman Catholic
Jewish
West African Christian.
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They said things like:
Disability we find it taboo, we find itshameful … we try to hide it … we don’twant social services to deal with it. Wefind we can’t talk about it openly.
In our society, in our faith as well we’reexpected for everyone to get married. Andobviously when they don’t … it’s not a bigissue … but you still hear ... negativewhispers here and there.
I usually involve families in the process[marriage] but I would do it much soonerin someone with learning difficulties.
I think in the past, it [disability] was a bigissue, there was a lot of stigma…..I don’tthink it’s as much as before.
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Different cultures see people with learningdisabilities in different ways. Even differentpeople in the same culture see peoplewith learning disabilities in different ways.
Some treat people with learningdisabilities as equal and include them ineverything. Others treat them as differentand strange and do not include them.
Some religious leaders didn’t realisepeople with learning disabilities needdifferent things. They also didn’tunderstand capacity and consent. Thismeans they might think marriage is okayfor everyone. They don’t understand thatit might be against the law for somepeople to get married.
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They said that they help people to getready for marriage. So they would know ifsomeone did not want to marry or couldnot consent. But we worry that they donot know enough about people withlearning disabilities to know.
Most of the religious leaders understoodthat forced marriage was against the law.
They did not think it was their job to helpdecide who marries. But to help peopleget ready for marriage and then supportthem in marriage.
Many of the religious leaders thoughtfamilies had a lot of say in who marrieswho. Sometimes the marriages were tohelp families do well. They said familiesknow their children and what they need.
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What staff told us
We talked with people who work withpeople with learning disabilities or problemswith forced marriage. They included:
social services workers
health service workers
police officers
staff in services for people withlearning disabilities.
We talked with 37 of them:
6 people by themselves
the others in 5 groups.
They said things like:
For some people, especially I think fromother cultures ... capacity and consentweren't on their radar really.
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It’s a very tight knit community ... familiestalk. So even if they’ve had an okayexperience [with services], but actually theperson down the road has had a terribleexperience ... the whole community isaffected by those things. Communitieshold those bad things that havehappened.
Someone with a learning disability may beeven more frightened of revealinganything, and … well they probably don’teven realise it’s wrong do they? Theymight not be so happy but they may notknow why.
Staff said that families were very different.Some used lots of services but others didnot. They think there are families withsomeone with learning disabilities they donot know about.
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It is difficult to talk easily with somefamilies especially about things like forcedmarriage. For many families marriagemeans their person with learningdisabilities will be looked after in thefuture.
Staff said families do not understandexactly what forced marriage is. And theydo not understand about capacity andconsent.
Some staff did not know any people inforced marriages. Others did and hadgood ways to know a forced marriage andwhat to do.
Staff find it hard to work around forcedmarriages because:
there was not enough staff or moneyto sort out what was happening
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families will not say what is happening
it is hard to say to a family what theyare doing is illegal. It will mean they donot trust you anymore.
Some staff do not properly understandhow to know if someone has capacity.
It was difficult sometimes because ofdifferent cultures and no trust in services.Staff need to work more with people fromdifferent cultures to build trust beforethere are problems.
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Staff need good training and ways to workon:
forced marriage
capacity and consent for marriage.
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What needs to happen
1. For people with learning disabilities inforced marriages there is no one sortof person. For example men are at riskof forced marriage as much as women.So staff have to keep a look out foreveryone.
2. Everyone involved with people withlearning disabilities needs to knowmore about forced marriage so that:
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they can support people withlearning disabilities to choose tomarry or not. They will needsupport to do what they chooseand not what someone else wants
families understand people withlearning disabilities need to havecapacity to consent to marriage.They need to know that withoutthis they are breaking the law
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families understand that theycannot decide for their son ordaughter with learning disabilities.Not even when they think it is thebest thing
everyone in a community andreligion understands the rights ofpeople with learning disabilities.This includes people need to havecapacity to consent to marriage
staff know what to do when theythink someone may be forced tomarry.
3. Families often want someone to lookafter their relative in the future. Theyneed more information so they canunderstand what services can supportthem and their relative with learningdisabilities. Staff need to work atbuilding up trust with families and helpthem see what is possible.
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4. Families and religious leaders need tounderstand the difference between anarranged marriage and a forcedmarriage. Capacity and consent tomarriage need explaining better.Younger people in families may begood to help others understand allthis.
5. Staff need to do something quickly andwith care when there are worriesabout a forced marriage. They need:
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training to know a possible forcedmarriage and what to do
training to understand differentcultures and what that means formarriages. This will help them becareful when there are problems withforced marriage
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to know what to do when they thinkthere will be a forced marriage. Andfeel safe talking about it
find other staff who understand whatto do about forced marriage who canoffer support
ways to check on capacity to consentand how to tell families the decision onthis.
6. All services need to work together onhow to decide when someone hascapacity to consent. Also how tosupport people with learningdisabilities and families when theydecide the person cannot consent.
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7. There is stigma about people withlearning disabilities in somecommunities. Staff need to work tochange this. All communities need tounderstand that there are good thingsabout telling services that you havelearning disabilities because then theycan help and support you.
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Who can help?
Many of the people we have spoken toduring our research said that there was achance that people with learningdisabilities could get hurt or abused if theyare forced to marry.
If you are worried about this or think youmight be at risk of forced marriage youcould talk to:
a family member or friend that you cantrust
your doctor
your social worker
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a police officer
a care-worker
a neighbour
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you or someone else could call TheForced Marriage Unit:020 7008 0151
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Words you might not know already
Arranged marriage – when a family chooses the person you willmarry but do not make you marry them.
Forced marriage - when people make you marry someone whenyou do not want to.
Capacity – being able to make a particular decision or choice ata particular time.
Consent – being able to say yes or no to something.
Culture - people's 'way of life', meaning the way groups dothings. Different cultures may have things like different food orways to dress.
Research – finding something out.
Stigma – saying something is bad.
Vulnerable - people who might be more at risk from abusebecause, for example, they have a learning disability or areolder.
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This paper has been designed andproduced by the EasyRead service atInspired Services Publishing Ltd.Ref ISL178 17. February 2018
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