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Marniededicatesthisbooktodelicioustreats,withoutwhomnoneofthiswouldbepossible,andtoanyonewhohasadoptedahomelessanimal.

INTRODUCTION

As someone who previously neither “owned a pet” nor exhibited anypotentialforabove-averagesocialmediaskills,thisisafunnypositiontobe in, though it is funny regardless. Adopting an elderly dog from ashelterwhowouldgoontohavemillionsoffansisnotachapterIcouldhaveeverenvisioned,muchlessabook.

Ijustwantedadogwhowashopefullykindofcute,notnecessarilythecutest ever, who would keep me company in my lonely life in aManhattan shoebox. Insteadof swiping for creepydates, I browsed forhomelessdogs,whichishowIfoundMarnie—thereweretwophotosofher on PetFinder.com: in one, she was looking straight ahead at thecamera, gazing right at me. In the other, taken a moment later, sheaverted her eyes, as if she had full comprehension of what a cameradoes,andwhythephotowasbeingtaken.Thisdogseemedlikeshehadsomekindofcosmicunderstandingoftheworld.Hertonguesubtlypokedoutofthesideofhermouth.Therewasnotext.Mynewmissionwastofigureouthowtogetthisdog.

ButtherewasnodemandforMarnie.ShewastenyearsoldandwasspendingafourthmonthinadecrepitshelterwhenItookthedayoffworktotakeatrainuptoConnecticuttoseeher.Itwasthedeadofwinter,andoutside the shelter was a row of cages housing large dogs barkingdesperately—thisplacedidnotseemquiteright.Isteppedintotheoffice,whichwas justanextremelysmellykitchen. Ihadbasically justenteredinto a real-life Sarah McLachlan “In the Arms of an Angel” ASPCAcommercial.

Thedogwasahotmess.Shewasfilthy.Oneofhereyeswasgray,and Iwas toldshewouldneversee from itagain.Shehadbeen foundroaming the streets alone, smelly and matted. Her name on thepaperworkwasStinky,whichreallysaysalotconsideringthestateoftheshelter.

At thatpoint, Ididn’t somuchasactivelychoose toadoptStinkyasmuchas I passivelywent alongwith it.Unprompted, the shelter ownerwhippedouttheadoptionpaperworkandshowedmewheretosign.Inapanicked state of consciousness, I became the committed caretaker ofStinky,likemarryingaprobablynicebuthalf-blindstrangerwhowasalsomaybe about to die. I got back on the train to NYC with Stinky. Abusinessmanboarded,lookedatherface,andquipped,“Ooh,ferocious.”ItookherstraighttoPetSmartforadesperatelyneededbath,andthenItookherhome.

For the first month I bought poop bags three rolls at a time. Thethought of having a substantial amount of surplus poop bags if shepassedawayseemedlikeitwouldbetoodepressing.Herheadwastiltedtotheleftandshekeptwalkinginleftcirclesonly,nevertotheright,andthevetsuggested itwaspossibleshehadbraincancer.Wheneversheate, she would have a sneezing fit afterward, and she was alsodiagnosedwith the intestinalwormgiardia.Thankfullyshedidnothavebrain cancer—turned out the head tilt was a residual effect of a briefillness called vestibular syndrome. The rest was solved throughantibioticsanddentalsurgery.

She had to have fourteen decaying teeth removed. That evening,abouttendaysaftertheadoption,Ipickedherupfromthevet,andwhenthedooropened,shecamehappilyrunningtowardme,tonguewagging.ItwasthefirsttimeIfeltlikethisdogandIwereanofficialteam.“Iloveyou!”Itoldher.Ifeltweird,realizingwhatIhadjustsaid,butthenIsaiditagainanditfeltright.Ibegantosayitalot.Wegrewclosequickly,andatMarnie’sinsistence,Iwouldbringheroutwithmefrequently.

ThemostunexpectedpartofMarnie’srecovery,forme,wasnoticingthatheroncegrayeyewasclearingup.Itwassogradual,Ihadn’tevennoticedithappening;butafewmonthsintoourlifetogether,Iwentbackandlookedatoldphotosandrealizedhereyewashealing.

“Can I borrowyour dogandmakeamilliondollars onYouTube?” afriendwroteonmyFacebookpage.“ThisdogcouldbeInternetfamous.”“DoesyourdoghaveanInstagram?”“Thisisthecutestdogever.”

Ididn’t thinkmuchofallof thesecomments Iwas receiving. It’s thetypeofthingyousaytoanyonewithacuteorfunny-lookingdog.Howdoyou even actually make a dog famous? The idea that Marnie wouldsomehowbemoreworthyofclicksthantheotherhundredsofthousands

ofcutedogsontheInternetseemedlikeadelusional,self-centeredidea.OfcourseIthoughtMarniewasthemostadorabledogever,butIfiguredIhadfallenintotheclichéofthinkingyourchildorpetis“thebest.”Okay,fine,whatever,IwillputherontheInternet.ImadeanInstagrampageforher, ©MarnietheDog, uploaded four photos, hashtagged them #dog#dogsofinstagram #shihtzu. I got three followers. This is stupid, Iconcluded, then gave up. It would be nine months before I postedanotherphoto.

I became “funemployed” aftermyweb series forMTV ended, and Ididn’t want to get another job where I couldn’t bring Marnie with me.Marnie isnotademandingdog,but theonethingsheasks isnot tobeleft alone. I had snuck Marnie into the offices at MTV many times,especiallywhenIhadlate-nighteditingsessions,butonedayasecurityguard tappedmeon theshoulder inmycubicleandsaid, “Excuseme,miss,uh,doyouhaveadog?”MarniewasfiredfromViacom,andthreemonthslaterI’dbegone,too.

Ineededtofindajobwherewecouldstaytogether,butIdidn’tknowwhattodo,soIbasicallydidnothingandlivedoffmydwindlingsavings.FormonthsMarnieandIwouldsleepin,goforawalk,thenwe’dgohangout with friends at night (Marnie’s hearing is less sensitive than ahuman’s; she doesn’tmind noise).One night out, unbeknownst tome,someonepostedaphotoofMarnieand taggedherstagnant Instagramaccount,andsuddenlywehadtwohundredfollowers insteadof three. Iliterallyhadnothingbettertodo,soshortlythereafter,onValentine’sDay2014,IpostedanewphototoMarnie’sInstagramaccount.Itwasn’tlongbeforeIbecameaddictedtotherelativelyswiftpaceoftheincominglikesandfollowsfrompeoplewhowerealsoappreciatingthejoysofMarnie.

Twomonthslater,shewasfeaturedonBuzzfeed.Iwaswalkingdownthestreetthenextdaywhenawomanstoppedme.“Excuseme,isthatMarnie?” She asked for a photo. I couldn’t believe it. This seeminglyisolatedincidentoccurredagainaweeklater.“Thatdogisinsta-famous!”thepersonsaid.Andagain.Asuccessionofprominentfeaturesrolledinon Reddit, Vine, and Tumblr, and a YouTube video of Marnie walkingaroundononeofourmanytripstothelocalpharmacywentviral,landingonGoodMorningAmericaandallovertheplace.

Within a year on Instagram, we hit one million followers. WalkingaroundoutsidewithMarnienow is likewalkingaroundwitha celebrity,

andthestrangenessofitallisnotlostoneitherofus.“ImagineifMarnieknewhow famous she is,” people say. I think she knows.Marnie livedelevenyearsofher lifenotbeingacelebrity.Sheknowswhatcamerasare.She knowsher name.She knows thatwhenpeoplewalkingdownthestreetscreamhernameinexcitementthatthisisdifferentthanthoseeleven years before.While there have beenmoments early onwhen IquestionedwhetherallowingMarnieinthelimelightwasagoodchoice—because “stage mom” is not a very well-regarded career path—she isbeyondhappywithherlife,andmostdaysarejustnormaldaysfilledwithleisurely walks and constant companionship. I never have to leaveMarnieforworksinceIhavethankfullybeenabletoturnthisintoajob.

Bythetimethisbookispublished,Marniewillbethirteenyearsold.Ihopewehavemanymoreyears together,but Idon’t take it forgrantedandItrytomakethemostofeachdaywithher.Ifeelgratefultoliveinaworldwheresuchwonderful livingcreaturesarea real thing,andextraluckythatIgettosharemylifewithone.InthepagesthatfollowIhopedtocaptureMarnie’swonderfulspiritandtheloveshehasforlife.Peoplesayadopteddogsmake themost lovingandgratefulpets,and Iwouldsay senior adopted dogs are evenmorewonderful.Marnie knowshowluckysheis,but,ofcourse,thefeelingismutual.

—ShirleyBraha

OTAYHERE’SMYBOOK

Hiit’smeMarnie.Iama13yearoldlady.I’malsoadoghaha.IliveinNYC.

ltimeIdidn’thaveahomeanditwasscaryandIgotsick.DontworryIamotaynow.Thisismeonthe

dayIgotadoptedfromashelter3yearsago.

NowIhaveanapt(thatmeansatinyhouse).I’malsoabook.Hereismybook.

CHAPTER1

THEGR8OUTDOORS

Natureisonfleekhaha.Thatmeansitsgood.

Goingonanadventurebrb

Gusissotall

Welcometomynewhousejklol

Haveagooddayokaybi

Relaxingbytheswamp

Finishedmycardio

CHAPTER2

WORKEXPERIENCE

Jobs?Ilovejobs!

Respectmyauthoritah.Hahalol.Douknowthatjoke?

Yeswearegonnareformeverything.Otaynextquestion

MaybeucanGoogletheinstructions4me

Whereuheaded?Isthereapartythere?Douhaveabae?Whatsurnationality?Whoruvoting4?

I’llsaveu(that’snottruesoplsmakesureursmokedetectorswork)

Ican’ttellumyrealidentitysorry.Otayit’sMarniehaha

WhatsnaxshouldIgiveyou?

CHAPTER3

THINGSTHATMOVETHATIGOINTO

WowIgotshotgun,Ican’tbelieveI’msokewl

Exsqueezemebikelane

CUL8R

Ucan’tmanspreadanymoreitsthelaw

Afreepeanut?Otaytanku

Thisbbhasaturboenginewithhorsepowderandasteeringwheelyay

whenItookthetraininthe90s#tbt

CHAPTER4

HANGINGOUTWITHOTHERPEOPLEWHOAREALSODOGS

Me&Luna.HeyLuna.

Me&Hammy.HisrealnameisHamilton.

Idon’tevenknowthisguy

WaitaminuteSmokeydaLamb,unotadog

CHAPTER5

SNAX4MARNMARN

I’llhavewhatshe’shaving.That’sajokefromamovie.

Thesenoodlesrsolongamirite?

HavingdrinkswithBeanz

Candidbreakfastshot

SweetishMeatballs

SometimesIputbreadonmyheadcauseitsweirdbutinacoolway

CHAPTER6

SPECIALDAYS

OMGI’msosmartnowyay

BRBhave2spreadcheer

D-gBlessMurica

Thisissoromantic

NoI’mnotMarnie.Whodat?HahaFooledyou

CHAPTER7

INMYHOOD(THATMEANSNEIGHBORHOOD)

Chillinbythepier

Where’sMarnie?Try2findme.Keeplooking.

Ijustcalled2sayIloveu

SpendingtimewSimon

Ihopeitdon’trainbcthenIgetwet

CHAPTER8

STIMULATINGTHEECONOMY

HoldonIgottagetcash

Waiting4baeatthemall

Ihopetheyhavemysize

Istheseonestheriteshape4myface?

Gettingready4daclub

Atthemuseum4culture

CHAPTER9

DOMESTICGODDESS

Thatfeelingwhenurnotonthebedbutuwant2b

Relaxinginthekitchenette(thatmeanstinykitchen)

sleepoveratmyfriendshouse

Pajammieddown&ready2sleep.Tanku4readingmybook.Ihopeulearnedalotbi.

ABOUTTHEAUTHOR

ShirleyBrahaisbaeandpersonalassistanttoMarnietheDog,whosheadopted from a shelter in 2012. A graduate of SmithCollege, she hastakenanindefinitebreakfromhercareerasamusictelevisionproducertohangoutwithherdog.TheyresidetogetherinNewYorkCity.

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CONTENTS

CoverTitlePageWelcomeDedicationIntroductionOtayHere’sMyBook

Chapter1:TheGr8Outdoors

Chapter2:WorkExperience

Chapter3:ThingsThatMoveThatIGoInto

Chapter4:HangingOutwithOtherPeopleWhoAreAlsoDogs

Chapter5:Snax4MarnMarn

Chapter6:SpecialDays

Chapter7:InMyHood(ThatMeansNeighborhood)

Chapter8:StimulatingtheEconomy

Chapter9:DomesticGoddess

AbouttheAuthorNewslettersCopyright

Copyright

Copyright©2015byShirleyBrahaCoverdesignbyBrianLemus.CoverphotobyShirleyBraha.Covercopyright©2015byHachetteBookGroup,Inc.

Allrightsreserved.InaccordancewiththeU.S.CopyrightActof1976,thescanning,uploading,andelectronicsharingofanypartofthisbookwithoutthepermissionofthepublisherconstituteunlawfulpiracyandtheftoftheauthor’sintellectualproperty.Ifyouwouldliketousematerialfromthebook(otherthanforreviewpurposes),priorwrittenpermissionmustbeobtainedbycontactingthepublisheratpermissions@hbgusa.com.Thankyouforyoursupportoftheauthor’srights.

GrandCentralPublishingHachetteBookGroup1290AvenueoftheAmericasNewYork,NY10104hachettebookgroup.comtwitter.com/grandcentralpub

Firstebookedition:October2015

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ISBN978-1-4555-3833-1

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