My happy sad double life

HUGE DISCLAIMER. READ!!!

This is a project for a high school AP Psychology course. This is a fictionalized account of having a psychological ailment. For questions about this blog project or its content please email the teacher, Laura Astorian: laura.astorian@cobbk12.org

What is bipolar disorder?

I have an illness that contains manic and depressive episodes. Basically, my brain causes me to have short-term mood shifts, unusual mood and activity levels, and interferes with daily task. Great

Manic episodes

During my manic stage, which can range from weeks to months, I have an usual amount of energy, and this causes me to have lots of trouble sleeping. I can get extremely irritable and agitated quickly. Sometimes, I gamble a lot when I’m in this stage, and I don’t even notice until someone tells me. I usually don’t listen and instead become frustrated with that person.

speed!!!

This is basically me in my manic stage. I feel like I can conquer the world in one day. I have so much speed, and my optimism is out the roof. Because my optimism is at such an unrealistic range, I feel like my consciousness is not there, or my superego went on vacation.

Depressive episodes :(

During my depressive stage, that also last from weeks to months, generally contains me moping around. Compared to my manic stage, I barely have any energy, and I’m very down all the time. Unlike my manic stages where I can’t go to sleep, during my depressive stages, I can’t seem to get out of bed. All my body wants to do is sleep. I hate it. I also have such a loss in appetite. I seem to not enjoy anything that I do before. I love to play soccer, but when I’m in this stage, I can’t even force myself to enjoy the sport. I’ve seem to lost interest in everything suring the depressive stage. A few times I’ve been suicidal too.

ugh...sad

I usually feel extremely hopeless during this stage. I feel alone constantly, and I don’t even go out with my family or I limit my interaction with family. I hate when I have these episodes. I want to tell my myself to stop being so down about everything, but it’s as if I have no control when and what I do. I hate it. It’s beyond frustrating.

Overall

Going from such a heightened energetic stage to an extremely self degrading episode in a matter of weeks bogles my mind! I know that I shouldn’t shut the people who care about me out, but that’s what always feels right. This applies to both my manic and depressive stages.

How Did i even get Bipolar Disorder - Neurotransmitters

Well, bipolar disorder has a lot to do with the neurotransmitters in the brain and inheritance. The neurotransmitters that affect mood is dopamine, glutamate, GABA, norepinephrine, and serotonin. These are all typically involved with mood, stress, pleasure, reward, sleep, and arousal within the body. Basically, a lack many of those neurotransmitters which results in my manic and depressed episodes.

How Did i even get Bipolar Disorder - Inheritance

A person is more likely to get any mental illness if a first-degree relative had or has the condition. For me, my mother had bipolar disorder. She was diagnosed with it the same age I was too.

But why me....When I was first diagnosed, I did not believe it. I didn’t want to accept the fact that I had a mental illness because I saw my mother struggle with it even with her medication. I felt as if I was damaged and there was no way I could be fixed. I was a unfixable mess. I felt like this for years until I started going to group therapy, and this is where I gradually realized that I wasn't the only person feeling the way I do. I know that my friends and family always tried to understand what I was going through, but in reality, no one could actually understand until they’ve had the illness.

Conditions that commonly occur with bipolar disorder

When discussing with my doctor, they warned me of other illnesses I automatically become susceptible to. This included anxiety (social and generalized), ADHD, addiction, and even physical illnesses like heart disease or obesity. Many people think alcohol or certain substances can ease symptoms of bipolar disorder, but in many cases it can trigger or prolong depression or mania

Complications

Because bipolar is an illness that interferes with daily activities, there’s many specific things the illness affects that makes certain task more difficult or overall have more bad days than good. This can include problems with drugs, suicide attempts, financial, legal, and relationship problems, and poor or frequent absences from work.

Personal experience...

I’ve exhibit all of these complications. My lowest point when attempting and failing to cope with this disorder was when I tried to commit suicide but thankfully did not succeed. I was on one of my depressive episodes for months, and I felt like it would never end. I was in a constant loop of self degrading thoughts and practically slept all the time. This resulted in me getting kicked out of my dream school because my GPA went in the toilet. But when I found out, surprising to me now, I honestly did not care. I blamed myself for everything that did not go right in my life which only made my situation worse. Luckily, I was still living with my parents at the time, so I wasn’t paying rent, but if I didn’t, I’d be homeless or forced to move back home.

Test and Diagnoses

Testing for bipolar disorder typically consist of a mental evaluation and even lab test. When testing for the disorder, the doctor asked me if I had any unusual symptoms that I experienced, how long they’ve occurred, and how the symptoms have disrupted my daily task or activities. The physician also asked about my family history and drug or alcohol abuse, and what my symptoms were before, during, and after my mannic and depressive episodes.

Treatment - medication

Physicians typically prescribe medications with lithium in it because there’s evidence that ones with lithium is the most effective. Many medications include: mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, antidepressants, antidepressant-antipsychotics, and antianxiety medications.

My medications

I take Lamotrigine which is a mood stabilizer, and what this does is reduce my mood swings and prevent manic and depressive episodes. I had to “try” a lot of medications before I found the right one which is what usually happen. The medication make me feel like I’m me, not one of my manic or depressed episodes. This disorder is great at making you feel isolated and alone. During the manic stage, I feel as if I’m in a rush to do everything and I become destructive, and the depressed episodes make me not want to do anything at all. This mood disorder feels like almost an evil side to me and the medication helps suppress that side so my real self can strive.

Psychotherapy

By definition, psychotherapy is the treatment of mental disorders by psychological rather than medical means. One type of psychotherapy is cognitive behavioral therapy which identifies negative behaviors and replaces them with positive ones. This helps with coping with stress and identifying what triggers episodes. Another effective psychotherapy is interpersonal and social rhythm therapy (IPSRT) which helps to stabilize daily routines like , and exercise.

My experience...

I feel like therapy helped a lot with my bipolar, and the medication and the therapy work very well together. The medication did decrease symptoms but the therapy really made me feel like I had control of my illness. Without the therapy, I wouldn’t be able to recognize my symptoms. I’m able to, now, notice my behavior and distinguish whether it's affecting my daily activities or not.

Facts!!

● About 6 million Americans have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder

● This disorder cannot be cured, only treated● There are multiple types of bipolar disorder● More common in older teens and young

adults

On a final note...

Overall, bipolar disorder has made my life an emotional rollercoaster, but this illness is not who I am. Yes, it’s an illness I have but I do not think it should dictate how I’m viewed by others. I am so much more than the lack of certain neurotransmitters I have in my body or the random mood swings that happen during my manic and depressive. I feel that many people with mental illnesses are very misunderstood, and society as of today do not see psychological disorders as an illness because they cannot see it. People should become aware and empathetic of those who suffer from mental illness, but what they should not do is pity those that are not completely healthy because they’re so much more than a illness