Beyond Acceptance Empowering your family member to successfully transition into, thrive in, and return from an overseas assignment

California Baptist University 2013

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Making the long journey home In the time your family member has been abroad, they have undoubtedly had several life-changing experiences. They may have discovered a new favorite food, or come to prefer a new mode of transportation. They almost certainly have made some very close friendships, either with other expats or even with those from the host country. To some degree, they have adapted. And now it is time for them to come home.

But are they aware of the challenges that await them?

When they left for their host country, they were most likely expecting to struggle a little bit – the language would be different, as would the ways of doing most everything else. They foresaw being uncomfortable, struggling to adapt. But they knew that eventually, they would.

The decision has been made. Someone you love is about to embark on a journey to a foreign land. The tickets are purchased, the passport has been acquired, and the transition is underway. All that’s missing is the return ticket.

So how are you supposed to feel about this? Is there any way you can stop them, or is it even your place to try? How can you be sure they won’t be changed completely, or ever even want to come home? These are all valid questions.

More than likely, your loved one’s mind is made up. They are already considering what life will be like in their destination country, reading up on the culture and maybe learning a few useful phrases. They are preparing to pack and making all the necessary preparations. In fact, they are so focused on the future that they may end up neglecting some important things in the present.

This is where you can be of tremendous help.

Home, though⎯home is supposed to be familiar. Home is where you know what’s expected of you, and where you have no trouble meeting those expectations. Home, according to Pascoe, is where you don’t have to explain yourself. So why does your loved one suddenly feel the need to explain everything about their time abroad? Why are they constantly pointing out how bad things are? Why do they only talk about how they changed? Don’t they realize you had life-changing experiences too?

Don’t worry. The situation is not hopeless. Your loved one has not been ruined by this experience, nor will they flee back to the host country the first chance they get. They may idealize it in the short-term, but they will understand their journey more fully in the long-term. This will bring a greater sense of peace and contentment with where they are. While abroad they learned to view their own culture objectively, and now they are learning what it means to be a part of it again.

In The Art of Coming Home, Craig Storti writes, “People don’t actually get over experiences, especially profound ones; instead they incorporate them into their character and personality and respond to all subsequent experience from the perspective of their new self.” The sooner you embrace this “new self,” the more empowered they will feel to truly come home.

Suggestions for family members adapted from The Art of Coming Home

How can you help during the return process? • Ask questions about their

experience⎯the best, the strangest, the most life-changing

• Be ready to listen⎯a lot • Suspend your own feelings, and

don’t take negative comments about your home culture personally

• Don’t pressure them to visit too soon or too often

• Don’t overload them with responsibilities⎯cultural reentry is responsibility enough

• Be patient⎯this return process will take time

by Nate Prior

In transition Experience"

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the space they need to process the move, or being more proactive in pursuing a moment with them. Taking initiative in such matters will not be at the forefront of their minds. Don’t be afraid to do it for them.

Listening will also serve as a powerful tool during this phase. Allow your loved one to voice some of the emotions they might be feeling, such as sadness, anxiety, excitement, or ambivalence. Try to withhold judgment, and don’t let your own emotions get in the way of your listening. Of course, there are tactful ways to express similar emotions to them, and they will want to know how you feel. Listening begets listening. Just remember: they are the one about to enter into unfamiliar territory, to plunge into new risks and new surroundings.

In her book Raising Global Nomads, Robin Pascoe cites the lingering hurt that

accompanies unhelpful, or even hurtful, comments from loved ones. Instead of dwelling on the pain their departure is causing you, brainstorm creative ways that you will keep in contact after the move. This will keep things positive and will help to preserve peace in your relationship.

Becoming a stranger in a strange land

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sign that they are progressing normally through the stages of cultural adjustment. Try to avoid counseling them, or pointing out that they asked for this. Listen to their stories, which are bound to be entertaining, and help them to laugh at themselves. Remind them of who they are and what they’re good at, and share a good story or two from life back home. They might need help remembering that life goes on without them!

Eventually, the culture shock will subside, and your loved one will be on their way to readjustment. Pollock affirms that feelings of comfort, security, and belonging will all return with the passage of time within the new culture. If your loved one suddenly seems less wistful about home, don’t think they don’t miss you. They’re still just healthily progressing and getting involved. Now is a great time to share in their joy.

Throughout every phase of your loved one’s journey, they will find strength in your support – whether they know they need it or not.

“Be available to them as much as possible during this transition period. If tears flow once in a while,

that’s all right, too.” Robin Pascoe

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In accepting an overseas assignment, your family member is choosing to leave behind all that is familiar and to enter into a world unknown. At first, they may contact you with stories of all the interesting, surprising, and exciting new things they are experiencing. Don’t be shocked, however, if their tone suddenly starts to change.

Culture shock, which Robert Kohls refers to as an “occupational hazard of overseas living,” is a natural consequence of spending significant time in a culture that is not your own. In his book Survival Kit for Overseas Living, Kohls explains how cultural differences eventually make themselves known, often in quite startling ways. This is the essence of culture shock, and no one is immune.

When your loved one begins to speak ill of their new host culture, it does not mean they are regretful or have made a mistake. In fact, it’s a

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As your family member prepares for their imminent journey, you might expect them to make the most of their time at home. To you, this might mean a little extra quality time, an important conversation you’ve been putting off, or even the resolution of a grudge or conflict. You’d probably expect your loved one to want the same thing as well, but that might not be the case.

As Dave Pollock explains in Third Culture Kids, it’s normal, maybe even healthy, to begin to distance ourselves from our current circumstances so that we can depart as painlessly as possible. But such a detachment can produce some surprisingly strong emotions, so be sensitive to what your loved one might be feeling as they prepare to embark on their journey. This might mean giving them