mad magazine january 1960

8/13/2019 Mad Magazine January 1960

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QDur pr t re250


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Got itn d y o u k n o w y o u 'v e g o t i t . H u b b y o u t w i t h t h a to th e r wom an. A once- in-a- li fe t ime sho t you andyou r lawye r can ' t affo rd to miss . And you won ' tw i t h t h e P a r l o r a i d La n d C a m e r a . B e c a u s e j u s t 60 s e c o n d s a f t e r y ou s n a p t h es h u t t e r , y ou h a v e y o u r fin ish e d p i c t u r e . A n d 60 s e c o n ds a f t e r t h a t , y o u ' r ei n a D i v o r c e C o u r t w i t h a n a i r - t i g h t c a s e a g a i n s t y o u r t w o - t i m i n g h u s b a n d .Pa r lo ra id Land Cam e ra s , f rom $74.95 o r $1.50 we ekly . Al imony p aym e ntsf rom $10 ,000 o r $200 we ekly ( in p e nnie s , if hub by 's the sp i t e fu l ty p e ) .


3/52

5 2 J A N U A R Y 1 9 6 0 V I T A L F E AT U R ES

"Even aCastanetdoesn't click every time "Alfred E. Neuman

T H E M A D 1 9 6 0 C A L E N D A R 4C a l e n d a r s d e s c r i b i n g t h ede l i gh t f u l mon t hs o f t hec o m i n g y e a r a l w a y s m a k eus sick, so here's MAD's

'W B I ve rs i on t o make you s ick .mm William M. Gaines E D I T O R : Albert B. Feldstein

T D I R E C T O R : John Pu t nam I D E A S : Je r ry De Fucc i o L e o n a r d B r e n n e r L A W S U I T S : Mar t i n Sc he i ma n , Esq .

S U B S C R I P T I O N S : G l o r i a O r l and o , Ce l i a More l l iC O N T R I B U T I N G A R T I S T S A N D W R I T E R S :

The Usu al Gang of Id io ts

D E P A R T M E N T SA C O O L Y U L E D E P A R T M E N T

The N i g h t Be f o re Chr i s t mas 44 B E R G 'S - E Y E V I E W D E P A R T M E N TMA D's He l p f u l Hous eho l d Repa i r H i n ts 21C A S H A N D C A R O L D E P A R T M E N TSure-F i re 95 9 Chr i s t mas Songs 30 C R A N K S A - M I L L I O NProtest Let ters 17 D O N M A R T I N D E P A R T M E N T" T h e B r ai n O p e r a t i o n " 1 5" I n S u r g e r y " 3 6 "Th e Ear ly R iser" 48 D O U B L E - C R O S S E X P O S U R E D E P A R T M E N T

T he T r ut h A b o u t " B e f o r e " a n d " A f t e r " A d s 3 2E D I TO R I A L W H E E Z E D E P A R T M E N TN e w s p a p e r E d i ti o n s 4 1H A I R ' E M , S C AR E ' E M D E P A R T M E N T77 7 Sunset Strip 11I N O N E Y E A R A N D O U T TH E O T H E R D E P A R T M E N TT h e M A D 9 6 0 C a l e n d a r 4I N S I D E P I T C H D E P A R T M E N T

Ne w Ad Spaces 8LETTERS DEPARTMENT

Random Sam p l i ngs o f Reade r Ma i l 2M A R G I N A L M A R V I N D E P AR T M E N T

Ma rv i n Ta lks Ab ou t The Toba cco I ndus t ry * *R O O M W I T H A P H E W D E P A R T M E N TLiv ing Spa ce 26 3 5 M M H I S T R IO N I C S D E P A R T M E N TMA D Goes To A H i s t o r i ca l Mo v i e P rev i ew 3 7T U R K E Y S I N T H E C R A W D E P A R T M E N TMA D's Mo de rn Fo lk Mus i c 24

* " Cons ecu t i ve P l aces Th rou ghou t The Ma ga z i n e

777 SUNSET STRIP 11A sure way to make a TVshow a success is to putsome teeth in i t . Here 'sone show t ha t ' s done i tT h e y ' v e f e a t u r e d a c o m b

PROTEST LETTERS 17One of the reasons TV's

f ' v Q / ^ A s o b a d i s: t h e n e t w o r k s't Sak'yp l i s ten to cran k le t ters

*NZ&. On e of the reasons MAD's. i iJyi l rCn s o D Q d i s : w e i g n o r e ' e m

M A D ' S H E L P F U L R E P A IR H I N T S 2 1Here ' s an a r t i c l e wh i chof fers he lp fu l h in ts tohome owners . An d he re ' sa he l p f u l h i n t we o f f e ry o u : sk i p t h i s a r t i c l e

E R N F O L K M U S I C 2 4Authent ic o ld fo lk musichas p rese rved ou r anc i en tl o re . MAD 's modern f o l kmus i c w i l l p robab l y runi n t o some up - t o -da t e l aw .

" B E F O R E " A N D " A F T E R " A D S 3 2Y o u k n o w t h o s e " B e f o r e "a n d " A f t e r " p h o t o s t h a tshow m i racu l ous changes?The b i gges t m i rac l e i st h a t p e o p l e f a l l f o r ' e m

H I S T O R I C A L M O V I E P R E V I E W 3 7MAD revea l s how Ho l l y w o o d d e l i b e r a t e l y m a k e smistakes in a h is tor ica lf i l m so t ha t you ' l l makethe mistake of seeing i t .

D - . J a n u a r y I 9 60 , V o l u m e 1, N u m b e r 5 2 , i s p u b l i s h e d m o n t h l y e x c e p t F e b r u a r y , M a y ,u g u s t a n d November, b y E .C . P u b l i c a t i o n s , I n c . , a t 2 2 5 L a f a y e t t e Street, N e w Y o r k 1 2 ,N e w York. Sec o n d C la s s Po s t a g e pa id a t N ew York, N . Y . Su b s c r i p t i o n s , 9 i s s ues f o r $ 2 . 00i n t h e U . S . E l s e w h e r e . S 2 . 6 0 . E n t i r e c o n t e n t s c o p y r i g h t 1 95 9 b y E . C . P u b l i c a t i o n s . I n c . T h eP u b l i s h e r a n d E d i t o r s w i l l n o t b e r e s p o n s i b l e f o r u n s o li c i t e d m a n u s c r i p t s a n d r e q u e s t a llm a n u s c r i p t s b e a c c o m p a n i e d b y a stamped, s e l f - ad d r e s s e d r e t u r n e n v e l o p e . T h e n a m e s o fc h a r a c t e r s us ed in a l l M AD f ic tio n a n d s emi- f ic t io n a r e f ic t it io us . A s imi la r i t y w i t h o u t s a t i r icpu r p o s e t o a l iv in g pe r s o n i s a c o in c id en c e . " Pr in t ed in U . S. A .

I H E N I G H T B E F O R E C H R I S T M A S 4 4M A D roas ts an o ld X maschestnut t i l l i t ' s coolenough f o r a Bea t n i ck t oread i t ove r a Jazz back g r o u n d o f " J i n g l e B e l l s . "


4/52

WITH LAUGHTER

ROLLIN DOUGHI F E V E R Y B O D Y B U Y S

T H E L A T E S T MADP O C K E T - S I Z E B O O K

ON SALE NOWAT YOUR FAVORITE NEWSSTANDOR YOURS BY M AIL FOR 4 0 *

The Complete Collection . . . for $2.25Yes, we're giving this 7th additionto our MAD family an upper berth inour affection, mainly so he'll getthe chance to fall on his head likethe 6 others before him: "The MADReader," "MAD Strikes Back ", "InsideMAD," "Utterly M AD," "The BrothersMAD," and "The Bedside M AD"MAD POCKET DEPARTMENT225 LAFAYETTE STREETNEW YORK 12, NEW YORKD I e nclose 40c forSON OF MADI enclose $2.25 forTHE COMPLETE COLLECTIONN A M E .ADDRESS.

STATE.

LETTERS DEPT.

BEST IN THE BUSINESSI thought your October issue (No.5 0 ) was real ly great . I think you are thebest satirists in the business.Ira EpsteinForest Hil ls, N. Y.

Y e a h , but in wh at business? Ed.NEWSWEEK

Hey, what gives? When I t ry to actreasonably intel l igent and buy a sanemagazine for a change, namely NEWSWEEK, I st il l can' t escape MA D Becausewhen I turned to page 57,th ere was Alfie'ssmiling puss, along with Al Feldstein'sand Bill Gaines's. Have you guys takenover that magazine, too? Miriam AnverChicago, 111.

I was thoroughly surprised when Ipicked u p the A ugu st 31st issue of NEWSWEEK and found an article abou t youclods at MAD . I never thought you'd getinto a high class magazine l ike that .Ei ther MAD is get t ing bet ter , or NEWSWEEK is ge tting worse Fred J. Voss IIIDetroi t , Mich.

DON MARTIN AND WIFEDon Martin may be a nervous wreckfrom his financial dealings with M AD ,but it doesn't look like his wife is anybet ter . In "The New Chair ," she callshim "George " I 'd look into this, D on,if I were you Leon SchorFranklin Square, L. I.It clearly states in the introduction

that Don Martin is about to describethe night his wife gave him " T h e N e wChair ." Then, she proceeds to call him"George." If this is Don's wife, whydoes she call him "George"?Johnny OsborneParamus, N. J.D o n ' s w i f e ca l l s h im " G e o r g e " becauset h e y h a v e n e v e r b e e n p r o p e r l y i n t r o d u c e d-Ed.

JAZZY TITLEWhy don ' t you guys buy out theTime-Life Corporation. What a jazzyt i t l e MA D LIFETIME would make

D . LewinNo Address Given

IN GOOD HANDSMany thanks for the amusing plugin your "TV Ads We'd Like To See" Depar tment of the October issue (The Ill-State Ad). I think more peop le have ment ioned that MADitem then you wouldbelieve. More, perhaps, than I would haveheard from had I been on the front coverof N E WS WE E K, say Anyw ay, far bey ond

my wildest iMADgination. But I thinkI would have been in better hands ifMor t Drucker had done the ar t work .Ed ReimersN o r t h r i d g e , Calif.

Woodbr idge 's Ream erYo u wo u ld have been in go od hands ifG e o r g e W o o d b r i d g e h a d d r a w n y o u , M r .Reimers . H e w a s d r a w i n g a g u y n a m e d " E dR e a m e r " Here ' s Mor t Drucke r ' s rend i t ionof " E d R e i m e r s " Bu t f o r be ing such a goodspor t , Mo r t ' s o r ig ina l is on i ts wa y to you-Ed.

Drucker's ReimersCHA NGI NG M E A NI NG

You MAD idiots have wri t ten astory which is a really great example ofsloppy work. You know how to run downa fine magazine. You clods are mastersof degre dation. Se riously, thou gh, I have-never r ead an ar t icl e wi th more t ru ththan "Changing Meanings For Fun AndProfi t ." K ee p u p the good work.D an AtchleyHouston, Texas


5/52

ft H I REMEMBER ME? MARGINAL MARVII WAS IN THE ISSUE BEFORE LASTI'M BACK AGAIN BY POPULAR D EMANDSUBSCRIPTION RENEWALS FRO M CEYLON ODD-BALL TEACHER

Your publication, as evidenced onthe cover, is cheap. In fact, yours is thecheape st outfit I've ever dealt with Because the only pu blishing house in thecountry that does not provide a pre-stamped return card for subscription renewals must be cheap But com ing fromthe hometown of GM, I am obviouslyGM , too (Go ne M ad ), for I am renewingmy subscription. Seriously, though, yoursatirical wit is a welcome relief in an ageof s tifl ing conformity. K eep hacking awayat the santification of mediocri ty. Thereremain some few of us who appreciateyour efforts.Dr. Leonard W. MossAss'tProf,of Sociology and Anth rop ologyWayne State Universi tyD et roi t , Mich.Ac t ua l l y , ou r exp i red subsc r ip t i on no t i ce i sno t p re -s t ampe d because we have f a i t h i no u r r e a d e r s , a n d c o n f i d e n c e i n o u r m a g a z ine Ed.

I would like to extend my compliments to you on the continued quali ty andimpressive pert inency of your publicat ion. I think the spiri t of MAD is verywell exemplified by the fact that the ex-pired-subscription card is not self-addressed and stamped, which I considerevidence of faith in the reader and confidence in the quali ty of your magazine.You will , of course, find my renewal enclosed. Priscilla D e V antierNiagara Falls, N. Y.Ac t ua l l y , ou r exp i red subsc r ip t i on no t i ce i sn o t p r e - s ta m p e d b e c a u se w e ' r e c h e a p E d .

SM ALL CAR THREATWhile looking through your t rash-filled pages, I came across the article enti t led "How To Fight The Small CarThreat. ' ' When I saw the picture of thesquashed Cadillac, I went wild. Detroitis missing a good bet not adopting thisnew design. Without a doubt, i t is theneatest car I have ever seen.Joe ColemanWashington, D.C.

I 'm wild about your compact l i t t leCadillac. I understand it 's called a"MADillac." I 'd l ike to know when i t willbe on the marke t . Ed St. YuesAssonet, Mass.

The enclosed ph oto was taken inTr incolmalee , Ceylon. There a re numer ous captions that could be tagged to it.For example: "Nearly everybody in Ceylon reads MA D ," or "Wh at kind of manr e ad s M A D ? " A l W h i t m e rCanal Zone, PanamaO r " 5 0 M i l l i o n N a t iv e s C a n ' t Be W r o n g "- E d .

Thought you might l ike to see thispictu re of the Cornell University Jun iorVars i ty Crew reading MAD before thebig race with Princeton at the EasternSprints this year. By the way, they lostThomas W. Git t insRidley Park, Pa.W h a t d i d y o u e x p e c t ? E d .

M AD TIM E CAPSULEYou boys had a great idea with "TheMAD Time Capsule ." The only thing youforgot to include was every issue of MADever p r inted Brooks ScofieldLa Mirada,Calif.

JUNG IN HEARTMA D is ve ry popular he re , espe cially in the Section of Psychiatry.Car l Bruns t ing, M.D.Mayo C linicRochester, Minn.

A m o n g t h e d o c to r s . . . o r th e p a t i e n ts ? E d .

I am an English teacher. I am anodd-ball English teacher because I l ikeMA D .' Once I sent a contribution toMAD which you did not print. Perhapsthis me ant my contr ibution had realme ri t . But I didn' t care. I s t i ll l ike MA D .I shall read parts to my English class, because some of the kids (Im agin e ) don'tread MA D . Maybe they will enjoy i t as Ido . Maybe my principal won't . Maybesoon I will not be an English teacherany more. Then you will be sorry, becauseI will have more t ime to send you contributions, and you will go bankruptsending them back to me.

George T. Apple tonCharlotte, Mich.M a y b e y o u w i l l b e s o r r y b e c a u s e w e m a ypr in t one o f your con t r i bu t i ons . Then you ' l lhave t o go b ack t o t ea ch in g Eng l i sh Ed.

M A D E X P E D I T IO N

Tho ug ht you migh t like to knowthat a recent successful expedition to thesummit of 14,495 foot Mt. Whitney hadas i ts glorious leader none other thant h e M A D k i d himself, Alfred E. Neu-man. His name is signed (forge d, thatis ) in a register at the top , for poster i ty.Without his inspiration, several of thesicker members of the party probablywould have fallen by the wayside.Donald L. DicksonTorrance ,Calif.I ns t ead , t he who le s i c k c rew made i t Ed .

TIRED OF INSULTSI 'm gett ing rather t i red of peoplewriting in to your "Letters Dept." andcalling you "clods" and "dolts" and"idiots" and "morons." I wonder if thesepeople rea l ize tha t pu t t ing toge ther amagazine , even a MAD one , i s no snap ,and that it takes a lot of brains to thinkup ideas and new articles every month. Iwant to congratulate you on a great job,and hope you'l l continue the good workPeg O'MallySan Diego, Calif.

The c lods , do l t s , i d io t s an d morons a t M A Dt h a n k y o u f o r t h e k i n d w o r d s . W e ' l l t r y E d .

P l e as e a d d r e s s a l l c o r r e s p o n d e n c e t o : M A D ,Room 706 , Dep t . 52 , 225 La f a ye t t e S t ree tNew Y ork 12 , New Y ork


6/52

JANUARY

Es p e c ia l ly Painted for MAO by Joe OrlandoPour a dose ojVepto-Mismol,

7oast theWeicyear w ith a swallowSick of slushy January 1Wait and see the months that followS M T W T F S

1 23 4 5 6 7 8 910 11 12 13 14 15 1617 18 19 20 21 22 2324 25 26 27 28 29 3031

FEBRUARY

Especially Painted for MACLeap year month m eans one more dayof

Winter's gloom and things that tire us:Like those women catching men, whileClods like us are catching virus

S M T W T F S1 2 3 4 5 6

7 8 9 10 11 12 1314 15 16 17 18 19 2021 22 23 24 25 26 2728 29

MARCH APRIL

Voets who praise winds of March shouldMeet their ends in bloody ways:

Caught by girls who wear short skirts, andAngry men who wear toupees

5 M T W T F S1 2 3 4 5

6 7 8 9 10 11 1213 14 15 16 17 18 1920 21 22 23 24 25 2627 28 29 30 31

iEspecially Painted for MAD by Frank Ke

Sing,you fool,of April showersSing of how they help the buds

When you're singing from your rooftop,We'll rowbycomeApril floods

S M T W T F S1 23 4 5 6 7 8 910 11 12 13 14 15 1617 18 19 20 21 22 2324 25 26 27 28 29 30


7/52

IN ONE YEAR AND OUT THE OTHER DEPT. .-OI W A S N 'T I N TUB LAST ISSU E BECAUSE THWANTED TO SEE WHAT THE MAIL RESPONSTO MY FIRST APPEARANCE WOULD BE LIK

F r a n k l y , w e ' r e g e t t i n g s i c k o f t h o s e c a l e n d a r s t h a t c o m e o u t e v e r y y e a rY o u k n o w , t h e k i n d t h a t s h o w g o r g e o u s p i n - u p g i r l s w i t h h a r d l y a n y t h i n g. . . oops/ W r o n g k in d of c a l e n d a r W e ' r e c e r t a i n l y n o t g e t t i n g s ic k ofthose/ B u t w e are g e t t i n g s ic k of t h o s e c a l e n d a r s w i t h n a u s e a t i n g p i c t u r e s ,a n d e v e n m o r e n a u s e a t i n g p o e m s w h i c h t r y t o p r o v e h o w m u c h m o r ew o n d e r f u l e a c h m o n t h is t h a n t h e o n e b e f o r e . S o w e ' v e d e c i d e d t o c o m eo u t w i t h o u r ow n n a u s e a t i n g c a l e n d a r , w h i c h w o n ' t t r y t o p r o v e anything/E x c e p t , m a y b e , t h a t n i n e t e e n - s i x t y i s g o n n a b e another m i s e r a b l e y e a r

M A D& H

N S F O R A S S E M B L I N G T H E M A D 1 9 6 0 C A L E N D A R

Tear out pages 6 and 7. andcut months along dotted l ines. Paste page 7 back together soyou can read what 's on page 8. Forget whole idea and go geta decent pinup gir l calendar.


8/52

MAY

ted for MAI) by Joe OrlandoQo pick flowers, nature lovers,May has on her verdant cloak

Jake your choice, what will you ha ve now:Poison ivy or poison oak?S M T W T F S1 2 3 4 5 6 78 9 10 11 12 13 1415 16 17 18 19 20 2122 23 24 25 26 27 2829 30 31

JUNEPract

Find the requiredof fractions).

1. *'24G03752. -^110895673. 'J'403536074. -{'4035834196. "^115501306. ^ [ ( X {7. V-y (x8. Vv- (X

m M A T H E M A T I C S ^ j(XHHI) FACTORS AND ROOTS 1^ H x i W H ) \ \ / / -4-< 3 ) T r i g o n o m e t r i c F u n c t i o n s i - 3 1 8

2902931.2902993021.3053093121.315313

5835781.5725675611.5565 5 05451.540535KMKSfi , /-EXAMPLE 2: Find the squarer - y 3 ^ - V396XTA - ^12 6 , * dectaal places.Tind the angle whose sine is .2588.


9/52

SEPTEMBER

dal l y Pai nted7/you choke o n stifling air thatSummer constantly conceives,

Tall is here Cheer up you're free toChoke on smoke of burning leavesS M T W T F S

1 2 34 5 6 7 8 9 1011 12 13 14 15 16 1718 19 20 21 22 23 2425 26 27 28 29 30

OCTOBER

Halloween's the time for pranks, soXeep your eye on every tot

Oops, theregoes your gate your house SayHow's your new split-level lot?s29162330

M310172431

T4111825

W5121926

T6132027

F7142128

S18152229

NOVEMBER DECEMBER

Stuff your gut with tons of food andJhen collapse while musclespound.

Don't claim Jhanksgiving's the reasonyou eat this way all year'round

5 M T W T F S1 2 3 4 5

6 7 8 9 10 11 1213 14 15 16 17 18 1920 21 22 23 24 25 2627 28 29 30

Especially Painted for MAD by Bob ClarkeClose the year with gifts and cards to

People you detest and curseIf you think '60 was bad,friend,

'61 will be m uch worseS M T W T F S

1 2 34 5 6 7 8 9 1011 12 13 14 15 16 1718 19 20 21 22 23 2425 26 27 28 29 30 31


10/52

I N S I D E P I T C H D E P T .It seems as though the grey flannel set is gettingdesperate these days. Lately, everywhere you look-be it sides of busses, backs of menus, fronts ofmatchbooks, inside ball parks, outside ball p arks,trash receptacles, beer coasters or roller coastersyou see an advertisement. Today, the ad men aresearching frantically for any usable space whichmight be utilized for comm ercial pitches. We hearthat even hotel roo m walls are being considered asspots wh ere ads could be placed for greater impact.MA D foresees where it could all end if advertisingmen go for broke to get their message across in . . .

A R T I S T : G E O R GE W O O D B R I DIN B RROOMS

NEED TO REORGANIZEYOUR OPERATION

FROM TOP TO BOTTOMWHEN YOU'RE SPRUNG?

C A L LA P E XF O R ,

BONDED AND EXPERIENCED TORPEDOES

GUN MOLLS STRONG ARM BOYS

SAFE CRACKER S FINKS

A P E XEMPLOYM ENT AGENCY o

8

N E W


11/52

\S FROM A GUY NAMED .SAM POPU LAR

D S P A C E ST E R : T Q M K O C HH U E A C C ID f J IT ST O O K

PLAYSAFET A K E THE BUS

A N D A R R I V E A L IV EW I T H USCRRVHOUHD

ONNORTH AMERICANVEEBLEFETZER CO.PAY ENVELOPER a l p h C . W r e t c h e d

S A L A RY : $ 7 . 7 3SQUANDER IT ALLatThe Sit t ing Duck

TAVERNStop off on your way home, beforethe old crow gets her paws on It

YOU CAN RUN THISPITTANCEINTO AREAL BANKROLLATDIRTY DAN'SFLOATINGCRAP GAME

D I S S A T I S F I E DWITH THISMISERABLEWAGEYOU EARN?O R G A N I Z E

N O WInternational Brotherhood of

Local M >. 729 %


12/52

GainFinancialIndependencejBEFORE YOU'RE

T O O P U N C H Y TOE N J O YIT

M A K EBIG M ONEYTAKING DIVESI

FOR DETAILS, CALLLEW ESKI N' S

BOOKIESY NDIC ATEQU-3-3217

(At. for B ig Lew)

Each dayinthisHospital takesyou further intoH O P E L E S SD E B THRE AN AMBULANCEN O WAN D HAVE THEM DRIVE

Y O UTOT H E G R E A TN O R T H E R NF I N A N C ECO.FOR A FRIENDLYHIGH-INTERESTL O A N

TMM11

BACK TAXESGotYouUPSET?

END IT ALL WITH AW i s e 4 H e im e r.38 REVOLVER

GOLD MEDAL AWARD ENDORSEDINTERNATIONAL BYRUSSIANROULETTEFESTIVAL

^_ .1 0

DON'T GO INTO^THE RINGDEFENSELESS

PACK EACH GLOVE WITHA^.uc&y StandH O R S E S H O E

"Every OneAKnockout "

M A Y B E Y O U D DOB E T T E RIN THE

FLYWEIGHT CLASSR E D U C ET H E ME D I C A L L Y A P P R O V E D WA

a-tV I C

L A R - D O F F ' S

DON'T PUT THOSEIMPORTANT FINALARRANGEMENTSI N THE H A N D S OF T HEI N C O M P E T A N T S

Y O U L E A V E B E H I N DD O IT Y O U R S E L FT O D A YT O M O R R O W MA Y BET O O L A T E

Dor ma nt Scnlep p Oc SonLicensee Morticians

"your last wise m ove"Y O U W O N ' T W A N T TO M I S STHET H O U G H T - P R O V O K I N G A R T I C L E

" I S Y O U R D O C T O RU S I N G YOU FOR AG U I N E A P I G ? "i n the c u r r e n t i s s u eof

T r i e R e a d e r s ' D i g e s t

JhelVorld Looks Brighter 'Wheyo uDrink . ..O L D O V E R S H O E

SOLVE YOURTAX PROBLEMSTHE M O D E R NWAYI H T _ , Yt o

P A R A G U A YN O W

No Questions Aske4-Andy's Andes Airlines- -


13/52

H A I R ' M , S C AR E ' M D E PT .I f you've never seen "777 Sunset Str ip" on TV,yo u're obviously not a teena ger Each week onthe show, two Private Eyes named Stew Dailyand Jess Spence take turns solving cases. Supposedly, the one not handling the case on anygiven week is allowed to show himself occasional ly, but he's kept in the background. Actual ly,

WHO HAPPENS TO BE MY UNCL

the one that is handling the case is kept inthe back groun d too Because the main purpose ofthis program lately seems to be to f ind everypossible excuse for sneaking in Koukie (a hip-ta lk ing, hai r-combing car-parker) for the teenagers who are wi ld about him. Which is why asituation of n ear-catastrophe occurs on . . .A R T I S T : M O RT D R U C K E R

R I T E R : L A R R Y S I E G E LTHE

NIGHT THATKOU KIE M YSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARS

f r o m777 SUNSET STRIP( C l a p - C l a p ) S ^ P T

ing r ight over . . .

I suppose she 's b londe andbeaut i fu l , and there ' l l beplenty of hugging and kissing Land camera c lose-ups, theway it is every week. Okay,Jess, I 'm ready to handlethe case. Wh ere's my gun? I

What do you mean, where 's your gun?I t 's my tu rn th is week Don ' t youremember , you so lved the B i l l ingscase for that gorgeous redhead lastweek, and yo u got seven kisses . . .th ree on the mouth?i H t H t t1 .1 " 1 * ;

What are you talk ing about? That wthree weeks ago Don ' t you rememblast week we weren't on because otha t "Spectacu lar?" Bes ides , yosolved the Bi l l ings case


14/52

your case Youwere right Idid solve theBillings caselast week

your turn Youwere right The"Spectacular" was on last week

Gentlemen Insteadof arguing, howabout establishinga motive?

Okay, Jess I t ' s yourcase, and I ' l l helpyou a l i t t le, which ispermiss ib le on th isshow. But yo u do thekissing

No , it 's your case,Stew, and I'll he lpyou a l i t t l e Besides,I jus t d iscoveredm y lips a re chapped

I'll do thekissing I ' l lk iss anyonefo r a price


15/52

Did you not icehow Angelosuggested wereplace Koukie?I'd say he's apr ime suspectNow on to Mr.Brooksbro thers

Say, Mr. Daily,how come Mr.Spence iskissing thatpretty blondeover there?

W X X X \ \ \ N ^ t S 3 r ^ T ^Now cut that out,Jess You know onthis show you'reonly al lowed tokiss clients orpeople connectedwith the case. Whois she, anyway?

An ex- isolat ionbooth usheretteiv i f rom an old quizN show They've, got to f ind some-^ th in g for thosegir ls to do

Dreadful Ihaven' t solda sui t , a white shir t ,I or a t ie s ince thathorror, Koukie, became sopopular on your showWhy don't you replaceh im w i thsayAdolphMen j ou He'd make anexcel lent car-parker Orwhat about David Niven?Or maybe Sir John Gielgud

I 'd say Mr. Brooksbrothers isanother impor tan t suspect ,wouldn't you, Jess? Now on to Sunset Str ip High and MissP r i m m And by the way I hate to be a nag, but isn 't i tabout t ime for an int imate c lose-up of you and Miss Plainkissing? You know, one of those shots th is program isfamo us fo r , showing warmth between detec t ive and c l ien t

Well , MissP r i m m Howare th ingsgoing herein yourFrench class?

Look for yourself Oh, tha thorr id Koukieand his inf luence onteenagers

Well , Missyou can seeMiss Pr imm alsohas a perfectmot ive fo r do ingin Koukie

Look, StewHere comesPeter Gone


16/52

H i, fe l lers I heard a rumo r that you two are handl inga non-g lam orous fem ale c l ient . I f it ' s t rue, and you ' recaught, you're in for a lot of t rouble wi th the Union ofTV Detect ives. Just remember Iwarned both of you ,that 's a l l . And th is guy here wi th you is a wi tness

Okay . . . now, as we 'vep roved , there are justthree likely suspectsfor the perpet ra t ionof th is terr ib le cr ime,

Wrong, Dai ly and Spence Therea re two other even likeliersus pec ts Miss . . . wi l l youopen that closet door, please?Why i tourProduc

Ma n , wai t t i l lI sound thecrazy good newsbuzzer Koukieis back Thisis Endsville

Dai ly and Spence You' re both f i r e d You' re a lso under arrestfor k idnapping Koukie Your mot ive was the s t rongest o f a l l :Jealousy You knew you were s lowly los ing the show to h im , yeyou weren ' t men enough to f igh t i t out on an ar t i s t i c leve lSuch as hav ing songs wr i t ten about you and your comb, appeaing on teenage TV shows, and hav ing hund reds of in te l lectua lar t i c les about you pr in ted in the fan magazines, l i ke "K ou kieReveals H is Toothpaste Brand" and "Koukie Carr ies Out H is OGa rbag e" and "Wh y Koukie Loves Chinese Res taur ants " . . .

Hey, Producer- l ike I meanI 'm not buggedby these twosquare s L ike It hem sp l i t t heget the pi tch?

Anyth ing you say, KoukieBecause f rom now on, th isis your show This o f f i ce,the fancy convert ib les,everything is yours Andnow, I 've got to get towork on my p lan to runthese Engl i sh sub-t i t leswhen you ta lk . Boy, we ' l lreally pu l l in them grownup v iewers

Ma n , l ike I dig this new pad the mostI t ' l l be li ke crazy do ing the Sher lockt , and l ipp ing the cool ch icks Well,;uess I ' l l cut out no w Later . . .Thanks for the wheels, Dads. I 've someth ing on the f ront burner, so go ing to cool i t No refue l ing, nobut I may cop a slurg later. You dhow i t i s when you 've got the Zorrand you can ' t p ick up on the "Z"C R A Z Y

INDEED, I CERTAINLY AM FOND OF MY NEWOFFICE. IT WILL BE DELIGHTFUL BEING ADETECTIVE AND GETTING THE OPPORTUNITYTO KISS SOME NICE YOUNG LADIES. WELL,

I THINK I'LL LEAVE NOW. GOODBYE.

WE REGRET THAT SOM ETHING HASOBVIOUSLY GONE WRONG WITH THESOUND ON TH IS PROGRAM . PLEASE

STAND BY WHILE NECESSARYADJUSTMENTS ARE BEING M ADE.


17/52

DO N M AR TIN DEPT. PART I/- .' '4 I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT j V B FUNNIEST THING IN AMERV


18/52


19/52

CRANKS A- M ILU ON DE PT.A A I ME AN, T HE SE GUYS ARE

a V e HHUON LAUGHS . . . WH\ 2 / YOU GET R IGHT D OWN TO

When we were kids, ive learned a simple and rather succinct phrase whichpretty well summ ed upwhat Dem ocracy wasall aboutmainly "The MajorityWins " Unfortunately, the television industry doesn't seem to believe inthis. Rather, they insist upon remaining at the mercy of so-called "Pub licOpinion" in the form of a few crank letters. Instead of fighting back, thenetworks prefer amore civilized way out, called "total surrender." To showhow this sorry situation ivorks out, we've prepared this behind-the-scenesstudy which demonstrates the power of the relative minority who write...

AR TIST : BOB C LAR KE WR ITER : SY REIT


20/52

A N D H E R EA R E A F E W O F

T H E H U N D R E D S OFL E T T E R S OF P R O T E S T

T H A T C A M E INT H E N E X T

M a y 2 5 t h ,G e n t l e m e n : 1 9 5 9C O v e R S THE C O 1 T . .

t e l e v i s i o n i s a v i t a l f o r c ii n t o d a y ' s c o m m u n i t y . W h e n a)y o u p e o p l e g o i n g to wake up 1y o u r r e s p o n s i b i l i t i e s * '-^a.c gome tX'' , "n e n are

C o r d i a l l y , A t a e s "

R e s i d e n t ,F e a r l e s s F e l t*i>

Washing1 0 1 1 'u,u

C o n s u l G e n e r a l

? , ; 5 t t f v S |

> ^ rW>af l -o-y \ to. C X J L U J T X U ^ - _ / w*^ i_SeA_c_e*JtLJ ^t err. \j_truA_njLCrW-f t -A- . UO^M d j _ u L - _^X


21/52

ri S * ^

. . .

R S ' ' e K 25 59 - 1 0 P M

C U U SE I ^ S T N \ V E Y 0 U PEOPLE NO

I ^ w "- 1959i*SrSSia n d left*. C a b b 4 U e r - / o r

a l l e d nfyon fflu|; f t i s * o k e e pan in^T Ja|Jgh


22/52

THEYCUTOUT EVERYTHING

THEY KNEW TO BEOF A CONTROVERSIAL

NATURE, AND RANWHAT THEYHADL E F T

AND ITWORKED FINE,

BECAUSE ONLY ONELETTER OF PROTESTTURNED UP THE

FOLLOWING

N B C3 0 R o c k e f e l l e r P l a z aN e w Y o r k 2 0 , N . Y .Dear Murphy and Marmaduke:- August 24, 1959As per our option clause (Para. 71, Lines181-3),your contract with this network is hereby cancelled.The Trendex rating on last night's show was terrible.It is obvious that your popularity has waned. Something seemed to be lacking in your performance. Youjust weren't your old selves on last night's show.Therefore, we feel that the only solution is to dropyour program. Sincerely yotlrs,

Robert SarnoffPresident

'UlM

fflfca f /20


23/52

B E R G ' S - E Y E V I E W D E P T .

With about 50% of the population owning their own homes (in partnershipwith some banks), andwith thecostof labor andmaterials sky high,the"home repair" problem has becomeagigantic one. The tendency these daysis to "do it yourself and save " Sowe prepared the following article tohelp the situation. Mainly, you maynot want to try it once your e ad . . .

H O W TO F A S T E N O B J E C T S TO W A L L S(WITHOUT CRACKING THE PLASTER)

To fasten object to wall without cracking plaster, placeadhesive or cellophane tape over spot where nail is to go.

Drive nail through adhesive or cellophane tape. Note howtape prevents plaster from cracking direct ly beneath it .

H O W TO C L E A R C L O G G E D S I N K D R A I N

I f chem icals, snake, or the Clever sink trap works onplumb er's fr ien d fai ls to princ iple that water seeksunclog sink drain , t roub le its own level, prev ent ingis usually in the sink trap. odors from ente ring kitchen .

However, " U " shape tends to Dirt wil l be released. Alsocolle ct d irt , wh ich blocks odors. Also plenty of wate r,drainage. Use a wrench to and you ' l l see clearly howremove plug at base of t rap. water seeks its own lev el.


24/52

H O W T O R E P A IR A D E F E C T I V E L A M P H O W T O C L E A N A B L O C K E D C H I M N E Y

(1) An ordinary lamp socketis easily removed from itsshell by depressing side ofcap gent ly, and pull ing up.

.-- tif /.

W iV

Y^^%T3wu(2) Check for loose wires.I f none, socket is probablydefect ive. Remove it , andreplace with a new socket.

Tie weighted bag or t ire chains to end of rope and lowerinto chimney. Shake the rope gent ly, hauling up and down.

( 3 ) - I f lamp st i l l does notwork, the wire is probablydefect ive. Remove it , andreplace it with a new wire.

(4) If lamp still does notwork, check if bulb's burntout. That 's usually what 'swrong in the f i rs t p lace This wil l ef fect ively loosen dirt , soot, and those otherobstruct ions that may have been blocking up your chimney.

H O W T O E L I M I N A T E A S Q U E A K Y F L O O R

Locate squeaky area anddrive wedges between f loorjoists and all loose boards.

k \

- - - .

j?.^ 3 v>4

3 .

k \Drive f inishing nails into2 x 4 be low , t h rough squeak ing boards, at sharp angle.

Nail length of 2 x 4 f irmlyagainst underside of f loorboards in the squeaky area.Squeaking wil l stop becauseal l that pounding f r ightensoff mice l iv ing under f loor.

H O W T O L O C A T E A S T U D B E H I N D A W A L L

To locate a wall s tud , padhead of hammer with cloth. Begin tapping along a walistening closely to sound Spaces betwee n studs emit ho llow boom ing sound. When youhear dull muff led sound, you've f inally located the stud.2 2


25/52

H O W T O R E P A IR A D R A W E R T H A T W O N ' T S L ID E O P E N E A S IL Y

A s tubborn s t ick ing drawermany need sanding. I f thisdoes not cure trouble, al ljoints should be re-glued.

I f drawer st i l l st icks, seeif bottom has sl ipped fromgrooves. Replace, and rubparaf f in on s l id ing par ts .

I f drawer st i l l won't s l ide open easily, t ry throwing outall the extra clothes and junk you've gathered in i t overthe years. You' l l see how smoothly i t ' l l work after that

H O W T O R E L E A S E A S T I C K I N G D O O R

I f prolonged periods of rainor damp weather cause a doorto st ick so bad it can' t beopened, here's what to do:

Wedge doorexcess wood

n open p osit ion and use a plane to shave downMake sure you shave enough to release door.

I f shaved enough, door won'tst ick any more. I f shavedtoo much, door won't evenhave to be opened any more.

H O W T O R E P A I R A L E A K Y F A U C E T

(1) Loosen and unscrew nutlocated under faucet handle.

(2) Remove faucet assemblyby turning counterc lockwise.

(3) Take out worn washer byremoving screw secur ing i t . (4) Replace old washer withnew one. Replace old screw.

(5) Replace faucet assemblyby turning uni t c lockwise. (6) Rescrew and t ighten nutlocated under faucet handle. O h , yes We forgo t to te l l you . . . . Make sure that youshut of f the water f i rs t , before you s tar t fool ing around2 3


26/52

AWAY. THESE CLOWNS GOT J % ri r,

' K I N G - S IZ E ' CIGARETTE: \ ^ T

VBallads ofthe Hollywood Hills

THE GIRL THAT I M A R R I E DI G O T P L E N T YOF

E V E R Y T H I NO N T O P OFO L D S M O G G Y

W H E N I T ' S O P T I O NT I ME A T ME T R OW H E N YO U M O O C HU P O N ASTARH A P P I N E S S IS J U S T

A THING CALLED D O U G HI GAVE MYL O V E A F E R R A R I

I M U S T ' V E B R O K EAH O L L Y W O O D RULE

( W H E N I T H R E WH E D D A IN TH E S W I M M I N G P O O L ) -{

,-

TURKEYS INTHE C RA W DE

The sudden renewed the United States has

by singers and recordinlong-forgotten songs alookaneasy chance toffers the following re

folk songs, which westoAll kidding aside, ganafter scouring theHionthespot where M

wrote them ) Here, the

A R T I S T : BOBC L A R

M AD'S M ODERNNASTY DOMINIC RETCHA s ingsA U T H E N T I C OLDSYNDICATE SONGS llnlliiils of aM '/ant/THERE'S AN OLDROULETTE WHEEL IN THE B A S E M E N T

T H E Y ' R E B R E A K I N G MY ARM' C A U S E I'M L E A V I N G 3 A N A S T A S I A ' S IN THEC O L D , C O L D G R O U N '

G I V E A MAN A H O R S E HE CAND O P ETHE OBJECT OF MY C O L L E C T I O N( I S TO SELL YOU P R O T E C T I O N )

OLD 'LECTRI C CHAI R 'S GOT ME^ ^ H A L U U M A H , I' M A F I N K

em (sHgiajia

V"D"-you're Deductiblefigures Neater Than MineWhy Cant Vou Add Right

(Like Some Other Men D o ? )Tied 3sTheColor of MyLedger InkTve Been Naughty With form 1040Tax Man, Stay "Way from My BoorShe'll Be Making Double Sntrie-s-When She Comes'.

24


27/52

j \ T H E " K I N G - S I Z E " C I GA R ET T E Wq" l , ' SUPPOSE D T O FIL T E R T HE SMOKE\ / FUR T HE R . . . AND MAKE IT MIL D

in folk music hereino ff a frantic search

formoreof theseto over- fast buck, MAD now

of authenticold

heo f . . .

: T O M K O CHfOlKAWS/C HORACE STAPeiY SINOSRUTHEHTIC miDUIESTERI ITruck Driver Songs C o o l C a r l C a r t r i g h t P l a y s; KETKLBFO LK S O N G Sstay as beat as you are i t s a crazy after no on 3I qet you r fi x on route 6 6

>

I 'm A Team ster, A ren't We All?Across The Wid e-M issouri Turnpike Diamond -T For Two

Tail Lights For M y Van I 'm Driving Over A Four-Lane CloverleafEyed True Love Waits For M e M ayflower, I t Take M' Sofa(And Run Cincinnati)

s >Ico m e to me , my mo laoju sfea baby ', i r l iq paris 7~

25


28/52

A l l t h e w h i l e t h e S m e d l e y s s k i m p e d a n d s a v e d , t h e y p l a n n e d t h e i r s p a c i oTHE LIVING ROOM . . . A spacious arrang em ent for en ter taining gue sts in relaxed, ope n comfort.

THE FAMILY ROOM...A playroom-den with a designated place for every imaginable toy and game.

THE GARAGE . . . A sizeable enclosure for a car, plu s storage space for garde ning imp lem ents.


29/52

R O O M W I T H A P H E W D EPT. lu, T HE " K ING -SI Z E " C IGAR E T T E WOR KE D PR E TS>M GOOD . . . UNTIL YOU SMOK ED IT DOWN TO A3 u REGULAR-SIZE CIGARETTE AND YOU STARTEDN S / GETTING THE SAME OLD IRRITATING SMOK E

This is the story of the "Smedleys," a typical American dreaming of the day they could save enough money to buyfamily living in a tiny, overcrowded apartment (at left) a home oftheir own . . . a dream home with plentyo f . . .

L . I V Ia m H o u s e . A n d h e r e ' s h o w i t s h a p e d u p in t h e A r c h i t e c t ' s d r a w i n g s . . .

THE K ITCHEN . . . A carefully-planned layout, including roomy work-areas, amp le cabinet space.

ARTIST:BOB CLA RKE WRITER: AL JAFFEETHE WO RK SHOP . . . A large, well-equip pe d "do-it-yourself" unit for every conceivable project.

THE BASEMENT . . . Extensive areas for an efficient hom e laund ry and oth er mo de rn ap p liances.


30/52

T H E S M E D L E Y S F I N A L L Y B U I L T T H E I R D R E A M H O U S E , A N D M O V E D I N . N O W , I T 'THE LIVING R OO M . . . The y've furnished it to the fullest w ith a collection of fake antique s.

FAMILY ROOM . . . It's next to impossible to get the kids to put them toys and games back.

THE GARAGE . . . Several extra items have to be stored that we re n't figure d on originally.

28 I N O T H E R W O R D S , L I V I N G S P A C E IS S O M E T H I N G T H A T P E O P L E T E N D T O F I L L U P


31/52

Y E A R S L A T E R L E T 'S S E E H O W T H E Y ' R E E N J O Y IN G A L L T H A T L IV I N G S P A C E . . . . . . With rushed meals and coffee-klatching, there's no time to put things away.

HE WORKSHOP . . . W he n it comes to "do-it-yourse lf", Po p has no tim e to "clean-it-himself".

. . . Since ther e's no living space in the rest of the house , Mom relaxes her e.

A N A N D A F T E R T H A T , T H IN G S A R E J U S T A S C R O W D E D A S E V E R 29


32/52

CASH ' N CAROL DEPT.

Every year about this time, thesong writers in Tin Pan Alleycome up witha brand new bunchof Christmas songs. Mostofthesesongs are hearda few hundredtimes, and then they're neverheardofagain. And there'sagood reason forthis . Mainly,they're lousy The other day, wewere walking behinda famous sonpublisher when he happenedtodrop a package. We picked itup,opened it,and found . . . youguessed i t . . . dirty laundryBut on the outside wrapping werescribbled the lyrics to t h e s e . . .

S U R E - F I R E1959ChristmasSongs

Here Comes Santain his 3-Stage Rock(Through The Troposph

V E R S EYou can talk of all your missilesL i k e th e J u p i t e r a n d T h o r ,Like the Atlas and the Ti tanAnd so many, many more;

But on Chris tmas Eve there 's gonBe an awful big surpr ise;'Cause that ' s when "The Santa RWill be zooming through the ski

Here comes Santa in his 3-stage rocketT h r o u g h t h e t r o p o s p h e r eIt goes so fast you can hardly clock it;N o mo r e s l o w r e i n d ee r

So, kids, you needn' t bother wFor St. Nick tonightHe went so fast , he 's now rotaA s a S A N T A L L I T E

TheThings ILoveat ChristmasThe cards that come unsigned;The ads that rot my mind;The s tr ing of l ights that blowsthe cel lar fuse;The gif ts that come to meDel i v e r ed C.O .D. ;The se are the things 1 love

a t Ch r i s tma sT h e mo b b ed d ep a r tmen t s to r es ,With small revolving doorsThat give my eye its yearlyp u r p l e b r u i s e ;The wrappings that come loose;T h e l a mp ma d e f r o m a mo o s e ;These are the things I lovea t Ch r i s tma sThat pair of yel low hose, dear;Those green and scarlet t ies;And al l those other clothes, dear .That somehow miss my sizeThe eighty t imes they play" Wh i te Ch r i s tma s " ev e r y d a y ;That feeling of good will1 always lose;The savings that are goneBec a u s e w e ' r e o v e r d r a w n ;T h es e a r e th e th i n g s I l o v ea t Ch r i s tma s

A R T I S T : M O R T D R U C K E R W R I T E R : F R A N K J A CO B S


33/52

Christmas in Biloxi The Christmas Mambo m

o k o m o ,

e e r me d o wnD e t r o i t , o r As h e v i l l eo i n t t h e wa y

Chris tmas in Bi loxi ,W ith f r i t te rs toas t in ' ,And possums roas t in ' ,For you I careChris tmas in Bi loxi ,Wi t h t u r n i ps f r y i n ' ,And buzzards flyin' ,Al l t h r o ug h t h e a i rI c h o k e up d e e p i n s i d ewhen I ex tol l yuhI'd cut off my right arm

for some magnoliaChris tmas in Bi loxiCorn l ikker yeas t in ' ,Boll weevils feastin' ,Ta k e me b a c k t h e r e

Pick up a wreath(Cha cha cha)With your f ron t tee th(Cha cha cha)And you ' re do ing(Cha cha cha)" iThe Chr is tmas MambMix an Eggnog(Cha cha cha)With the Yule Log(Cha cha cha)And you ' re do ing(Cha cha cha)The C h r i s tm as M am b

It 's easy,Exci t ing,And exot ic(Cha cha cha)You're lookingExtremelyId io t ic(Cha cha cha)Now look at me(Cha cha cha)Knock down the tree

s ^Cha cha c n a )Because I d id(Teh tch tch)The C h r i s tm as M am b

TheSanta RockEve, ' round twe lve o 'c lock ,

nd rock

nd rock

h,yes , we ' l l rock,Santa , rockh,yes , we ' l l rock, Santa , rock rock, Santa , rock rock Rock( repeat chorus 12 t ime s) ^

Santa Is CaughtInOur Chimne

J Oh , g o o d n e s s Oh , g r a c io us Oh , g o l ly Oh , g e eI I wonde r what a ll the com mot ion can beS o me o n e i s s h o u t i n g a n d c ur s i n g a t meWhy, Santa is caught in our chimneyHe's sweating and fuming and screaming out loAnd soon he wil l ga ther a very big c rowdSuch te r r ib le language should not be a l lowedWhy, Santa is caught in our chimneyHis coat is a l l d i r ty and covered wi th dus tHe 's coughing and choking and ful l of d isgus tI th ink his suspenders a re s ta r t ing to bus tWhy, Santa is caught in our chimneyI fear tha t h is temper is s ta r t ing to showLis nose is all red and his cheeks are aglowp e r h a ps I s h o ul d pu t o u t t h e f i r e b e l o w'Cause Santa is caug ht in our chimney


34/52

DOUBLE-CROSS EXPOSURE DEPT.A s farb a c k as wec a n r e m e m b e r ( m e a n i n g l a s t w e e k ,w h i c h is as farb a c k as we c a n r e m e m b e r ) , m a g a z i n e s ,n e w s p a p e r s , andt e l e v is i o n h a v e b e e n u s i n g " B e f o r e "a n d " A f t e r " a d v e r t i s i n g . T h es e are adsw h e r e t h e ys h o w a p i c t u r e of s o m e c l o d b e f o r e u s i n g a p r o d u c t ,a n d the s a m e c l o d after u s in g the p r o d u c t . U s u a l l y ,th e after p i c t u r e is so p h o n i e d up, and the c h a n g e sa r e so f q n t a s t i c , t h a t t h e r e ' s r e a l l y no c o n n e c t i o nw i t h the before p i c t u r e t h e y s t a r t e d w i t h . So b e c a u s e we h a t e l e a v i n g i l l - e n o u g h a l o n e w e h i r e da p r i v a t e eye, d r e s s e d him in an Ivy Lea gue su i t ,a n d t u r n e d himl o o se on M a d i s o n A v e n u e . And now,M A D p r e s e n t s the results of his i n v e s t i g a t i o nd o c u m e n t a r y p r o o f our u n v a r n i s h e d , u n b e l i e v a b l e ,a n d a b s o l u t e l y u n n e c e s s a r y r e p o r t w h i c h r e v e a l s . . .

THE TRUTHABOUT

THE REDUCINT Y P I C A L " B E F O R E ' ' P I C T U R

" BE F O RE " p h o t o s h o w s f r o w s y w o m a n w e i g h i n g 3 6 9lbs tanding before share-cropper ' s shack loca ted in p o o rsec t ion of c it y g a r b a g e d u m p . Be s id e s b e i n g o v e r w e i gshe suffers from acne, baldness, and taking fuzzy p ic tu r e

THE SLEEPINT Y P I C A L " B E F O R E ' ' P I C T U R

"BEFORE" scene shows baggy-eyed man toss ing s leep lesson r icke ty bed. Hisp a j am a s ar e w r i n k l e d , th e s h e e t sat o r n and di r ty, and the r o o m f u r n i t u r e is old and dingIt looks like this guy hasn ' t s lep t in two or three yea


35/52

f; \ SO THEN THESE CLOWNS CAMEOUTVITH THE H I L T K R - T I P " Cl OAKE T T EADP I C A L " A FT E R " P I C T U R EW

M A D R E A L "A FT ER P I C T U R E

to 118 Pot ato sack hast u r n e d i n t o D i o r o r i g i n a l , and she'snot her we ight , she 's lost her address . Now s tands and Cadillac.

REAL "AFTER" p h o t o f r o m M A D ' s fi le s h o w s w o m a n l o stexactly 8 lbs. This jus t m akes p ota to sack look baggie r .Only other change is tha t share -crop pe r ' s shack has b e g u nse t t l ing into ooze . So is wom an. She 's s t il l p re t ty hef ty.

ADP I C A L " A F TE R " P I C T U R E

AR TIST : WALLAC E WOO D WR ITER : SY REIT

MAD REAL AFTER PICTURE

scene shows same man s leep ing soundly. He now bed has c o n t o u r s h e e t s , and r o o m is in Swedish M oder n. S leep ing p i l l s ' secre t

has e rased bags un de r eyes .

fu)ood _pfifcr

REAL "AFTER" scene f rom M AD 's f il e shows tha t s leep ing pills actually do w o r k . Man fell fast aslee p, m issedw o r k , go t f i red, los t mor tgaged home, was d i v o r c e d by hiswife , and nowspe nds l i fe s leep ing in skid rowdoorways .

33


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THE HOME PERMANENT ADT Y P I C A L " BE F O RE ' ' P I C T U R E T Y P I C A L ' A F T E R ' ' P I C T U R E

"BEFORE" p ic tu re shows seedy-looking gi r l wear ing seedy-looking dress a t t ending dance inseedy-looking school gym.F r i e n d s g r o u p a r o u n d , l a u g h i n g a n d j e e r i n g at her becauseshe's gotdra b, l ifeless hair . She's m iser able andu n h a p p y .

" A F T E R" p i c t u r e s h o w s s a m e g i r l at n e x t d a n c e w i t hhern e w h o m e p e r m a n e n t . S h e ' s n o w a social succe ss. In facts h e ' s n o w Q u e e n of E n g l a n d . G y m r e s e m b l e s W e s t m i n s t e rA b b e y . F r i e n d s , led by SalM i n e o , all k n e e l at her feet

THE EYE MAKE-UP ADP I C A L ' B E F O R E ' ' P I C T U R E T Y P I C A L ' A F TE R ' ' P I C T U R E

"BEFORE" shot shows gi r l in rags scowling in m i r r o r .She suffe rs f rom "no eye mak e-u pi t i s" . Th e symp toms areobvious . She haswrink led eyes . She a lso has a w r i n k l e dforehead, a w r i n k l e d n o s e , and m a i n ly w r i n k l e d t e e t h .

"AFTER" shot shows amazing resu l ts of eye m a k e - u pG i r l has t u r n e d i n t o f a s h io n m o d e l . M i r r o r has t u r n e di n t o s h i p s p o r t h o l e . M o p hast u r n e d i n t o Ri c k y N e l s o nG u y w h o m a k e s e y e m a k e - u p h a s t u r n e d i n t o m i l l i o n a i r e .


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T H E " F I L T E R " W A S S U P P O S E DTO TRAP ALL THE HARMFULIR R IT ANT S OUT OF T HE SMOK E

R E A L A F T E R P I C T U R E

R E A L A F T E R P I C T U R E '

TOOTHPASTE ADT Y P I C A L " B E F O R E ' ' P I C T U R E

"BEFORE" scene shows shabby bum who obvious ly needs ajob. Also a ba th. Man is suffe r ing f rom uns ight ly t ee th.Ma n is also suffering from st ran ge disease which causesconcent r ic r ings to emanate f rom his mouth as he brea thes .T Y P I C A L ' A F T E R ' ' P I C T U R E

"AFTER" scene shows resu l ts of s ingle brushing. Tee thsparkle . Man has new su i t of c lothes , and new job as topSta te Dep t . off ic ia l , as mouth r ings a re gone , and p rotec t ive shie ld covers t ee th, keep ing him from ta lking sense .M A D R E A L " AF TE R P I C T U R E ' '

REAL "AFTER" scene f rom M A D fi le shows tha t invis ibleprotec t ive shie ld rea l ly p revents decay. I t a lso p reventsf oo d f r o m e n t e r i n g m o u t h , so m a n s t a r v e s to p o i n t w h e r ehe ends up as "before" in " I was a 97 pound weakl ing " ad.


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DO N M AR TIN DEPT. PART I IAf ter Don M ar t in w a lk ed out on "TheB ra in O p e r a t i o n " ( p g . 1 5 ) , h e f o u n di t increasingly d i f ficul t to kee p f romblowing his top . . . mainly because itw a s n ' t n a i l e d d o w n S o it d i d n ' t t a k elong before he found h imse l f back . . .

Weak pulse . . . shallow breathingHm mm m There's no doubt about ithave to use another hypo


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...m m H I S T R I O N I C S P E PT .

day, we went to see a movie called "John Paul Jones." Yecccchh you ever notice how, in historical films, short homely American heroes

by tall handsome actors?Howhistorical f igures who nevert are close friends? How the actors playin g these historica l figures do

but run around shouting famous slogans?Howthey showup at events

U fT H E " F I L T E R " W O R K E D P RE T TY G O O D . T O OT R A P P E D A L L THEHARMFUL I RRI TA NTS TI LLCOULDN' T HOLD ANYMORE AND THEY ALL OINTO YOUR MOUTH IN CONCENTRATED FORM

the real heroes never even took part in? How thedates of these eventsareoften confused? We got to wondering about the psychology and mot ivat ionbehind Hollywood historical movies. So we asked our good fr iend, producerDarryl F. Sfortz, to give us a private screening of his lates t. historicalf i lm , together with his private analysis. Come along with us now as . . .M A D G O E STO AH I S T O R I C A L M O V I EPREVIEWR T I S T : JOE O R L A N D O W R I T E R : L A R R Y S I E G E L

As youcansee, we 've t i t led th is f i lm , "Georg e Was hington St r i kesBac k " We used th is t i t l e becauseit'scatchy, h is tor ica l , suref i re box of f i ce,andmain ly becausethep ic tur e 's about Ja mesBuchanan , whofewpeople know orca re a bou t

wep lannedto re lease th is f i lm onJuly4,1 9 6 0 ,but wethedateup toDec. 3 1 , 1959 . Th is was done so thatther i can pu bl i c can see th is imp orta nt p ic tureassoonaspo ss ib le .so thepat r io t i c so ng, "Yankee Doodle, HowI Love Ya, " s ungai res, w i l l be e l ig ib lefort h i s yea r ' s Academy Awards S Wh

Pv

S c r e e n p l a yb y N o r m a n F i n t zA d a p t e d f r o m a n o v e l

b y Sid n e y C lo tzD e v e l o p e d f r o ma short s tory

by Irving ZetzExp an de d fr om a hi gh schoo l essay

S by Hora ce Wat ts.-inspired by an interesting comma in

The Reader's Digest

Yankee Doodle, how I love yaYa nke e Doo dle, you'r e my joyYankee Doodle, I think of yaYankee Doodle, you're my boyYankee Doodle, I keep singingPatriotic-ly, I shout:Yankee Doodl e, how I love ya

'Till the opening credits'All runlOut


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faAll h istor ical f i lms must haveanacknowledgm e n tatthe b eg inn ing .It looks impressive,adds pres t ige ,and coversup thefac t tha twereallygot ourh is to r ica l da ta f rom bubb legum cards and back issuesof "H i s to r y C o m ics "

We openthep ic tu re w i th James Buchananas a boy.As you can see,he's wear ing rags .In all h istor icalf i l ms ,for d ramat ic purposes,thehero must starto ffas a poor boyevenif hewere really r i ch

WE WISH TO THANK THE -U.S. ARMY,THlp&rS. NAVY, THE PRESIDENT,THE SECY. Of?/STATE, REARADM.WILLIAty ABIS&H, TliE JER;SiV CITY.,/jyjpLiG : L IB R K R Y , AN DALL THEM E M B E R S OFMrss ZINN'S HISTORYCLASS AT PQTRZEBJE HI H SfHOOLEXCEBf SBYMOm G^TZOFF,WHO*j 'WAS^B S E ^T , *tOR THE*fcINVALUABLE ASSISTANCE IN THEFILMING OF TEtIS MOJJON PICTUR E.

Inallh is to rica l f i lms ,ourheroalways ha sawonder fu l d reamfor the fu ture . He also alwayshas ak ind ly and unders tand ing m other. . .

Ha-ha Theregoes thatragged JamesBuchanan . . .- _J_

J Look how a poor he is .J I may be poor,but I have awonderfuldream forthe future

Noticehowsubt ly w e worked th at in? That,of course,is the pivotal pointofth e f i l m . And immedia te ly ,thet ens ion ishe igh tened . Bu tit'sst i l l e ar lyinth e pict u re ,so our hero must cont inueto be discouraged, evenby hisk ind ly and unders tand ing m other. . .

James, what is thiswonderful dream youhave for the future?

Well, kindly and understandingMother, I thought it would benice if I became 15th Presidentof the United States . . . youknow, right before Abe Lincoln

So muchfor James B uchanan 's boyhood. And aboutt i me , t oo Ittookam o n t htof i l m , andourN o.1box off ice star: t a l l , handsome Lance Boy le ,whop lays Buchana nas ama n, co l lec ted $50 00aweekfor do ing noth ing. Lance, as you know,is a perfectchoiceforJames Buchananas aman main ly becausehe doesn't look anything l ike him You may recal ltha t Lance p layed Napo leon, Caesar , Nost rad amu s,Sun Yat-Sen, Betsy Ross, and Abe Lincoln. Matterof fact, he worehisL inco ln make upforth is f i lm.A llwed id was remove theh ighhat,mo le and beard

II'll "15th President" you I But kindly and understandingI Better you should do some-B mother . . . Spencer Tracy didIthing worthwhile . . . like | that in "Edison The Man "I invent a light bulb

Hfc*^8i*> JWWft^mm&Ti Ipwr*u

J S zNow, here's th ebigscene where you ng Jame s m eetspretty Daisy DuPont,his br ide-to-be. Actual ly, therenever wasa Daisy DuPont.Infact , Buchanan nevermarr i ed .We threwherinforh is to r ica l reasons.So we cou ld get sexy shotsfor ournewspaper ads

38" * :


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x~sr \ ^ a In h is tor ica l f i lms, you must br ing in h is tor ica l events whenever you can. Butyou must do i t subt ly , so the audience doesn ' t expect i t . L ike th is , for exam ple:

O h , e x c u s e m e , g e n t l e m e n I d i d n ' t m e a n t o d i s t u r b y o uw h i l e y o u ' r e b u s y s i g n i n g t h e D e c l a r a t i o n of I n d e p e n d e n c e ,e s pe c i a l l y s i n c e t h i s i s 1 8 1 3 a n d y o u ' r e a l i t t l e l a t eC o u l d a n y b o d y t e ll m e h o w t o g e t t o 7 3 2 E l m S t r e e t ?W r i t e d o w n t h ed i r e c t i o n s f o rh i m , J o h n H a n c o c k

T h e r e E v e n o l d K i n g G e o r g e ywi l l b e a b l e t o r e a d t h a t

Now we come to the b ig ba l l room scene. Bal l room scenes are very important in h is tor ica lf i lms, because you have a wonderfu l chance to show of f notab le f igures in h is tory , youcan get in p lenty o f famo us s logans, and you can do a lo t o f impress ive nam e-drop ping . .

H e l l o , M i ss D u p o n tR e m e m b e r m e ? J a m e sB u c h a n a n , w i t h t h ew o n d e r f u l d r e a mf o r t h e f u t u r e

W h y . h e l l o , M r . B u c h a n a nI ' d l i k e y o u t o m e e t M r .B e n j a m i n F r a n k l i n B e nw r i t e s c l e v e r p r o v e r b s f o rP o o r R i c h a r d ' s A l m a n a c

N i c e m e e t i n g y o u , B u c h a n a nA m iss is a s good a s a m ileM a n y h a n d s m a k e l i g h t w o r kR o l l i n g s t o n e s g a t h e r n o m o s s

T o m T O MJ K F F E R S O NW h e r e i st h a t m a n ?

Y o u k n o w . M i s sF r i t c h i e . I o n l yr e g r e t t h a t Iha ve bu t one l i f et o give f or m yc o u n t r y

1 0

; A n d w h a t w i l l y o uc a l l t h i s m a g a z i n eo f y o u r s . T o m P a i n e ?I d u n n o . . .Life, Look.Common Senses o m e t h i n gl i k e t h a t

g i v e m e d e a t h -fa\

And now for the dramat ic h is tor ic meet ing between JamesBuchanan and John Paul Jones, which should rea l l y causequi te a s t i r among the movie-going publ i c . Main lybecause Jones d ied when Buc hanan was one year o ldNow wdtch howin what ord inar i c lever ly we work up to a dandy act ion- type c l imaly could have been a very dul l historical f i lm .

T e l l m e , M r . J o n e s ,wh y i s i t y o u d o n ' ts h o u t f a mo us s l o g a n sl i k e t h e o t h e r s h e r e ?

Ac t ua l l y , I d o h a v e a s l o g a n , wh i c his a l u l u But I 'm saving i t for ad r a m a t i c m o m e n t l a t e r . J u s t w a i t u n t i l a cer ta in Br i t ish naval off icerasks me i f I have ye t be gu n to f ight .J u st w a i t . . . t h a t ' s a l l

Ma t t e r o f f a c t , Buc h a n a n ,t h e r e ' s a pe a c h o f a s e ab a t t l e c o m i n g u p t o m o r r o wb e t w e e n m y s h i p , t h e BonHomme Richard, a n d t h eE n g l i s h s h i p , Serapis. W h yn o t j o i n m e o n b o a r d ? Y o uwi l l b e a b l e t o h e a r mes h o ut my f a mo us s l o g a n

W e l l , I d id p l a n o nb e c o m i n g 1 5 t h P r e s i d e n t ,b u t I s u p p o s e t h a t canwait a few days. Besides ,t h i s s o u n d s m o r e e x c i t i n g


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< > - Now for theth r i l l ing c l imax Watch it ca re fu l ly , andenjoy it.Me a n wh i le , I've got to leave. We're star t ingto f i lm "Son of George Wa sh in g ton " th is a f te rnoo n. As youknow, it's theth r i l l in g s to ry of thel i feofCalvin Coolidge So, goodb ye And . . . o h ,yes . . . make sure tha t youput out thel igh ts whenyou leave

Boy, John,this surebeats runningfor 15thPresidentany day

I'm glad you like it, Jame s And just waituntil that British officer asks me if 1have yet begunto fight I've got a sloganin my pocke t he re tha t 's a bea u t y Oh-OhHere comes the Serapisno w. . .

Ahoy aboardtheBon Homme RichardCaptain John PaulJones Have youyet beguntofight?

Did you hearthat, JohnNow's yourchancetouse thatslogan

H m m m I was sureI had that sloganhere someplace OrdidIleaveit inmy other uniform?

Oh, this mustbe itAll right, Sir Youaskme if I haveyett h e s l o g a n W b e u n t o fiht? Isay:~ F E E D A C O L D A N DJ S T A R V E A FEVER

Ooops That'sae t t e r f romBen Fra nklin

All right Her e 's another pieceofpap er You ask me ifI have yet beguntofight, Sir, andIsay. . .YOU CAN LEADA H O R S E T O W A T E R , B U T Y O U C A N N O T . . . Ooops That'sanother let ter from B en How about TIPPECANOE ANDTYLER T O O No, that isn' tite i the r

' x 161

/ mmmI 'm lookingforT h e N e w W o r l dwi th these three

ships You fellowswant a lift?

Thanks verym u c h ,Mr.Co l u m b u sE T T U , B R U T E ?N o , that 'snotit L A F A Y E T T E ,W E A R E H E R E ? -N o O K A Y M E N ,T H I S O N E ' S F O RT H E G I P P E R ? - N O

W h e r ecanI dropyouoff, Mr.Buchananaw:m

You cantakemeto Washington,D . C .Asdul lasi t sounds,I'vedecided to become15th Presidentafterall

R E M E M B E RT HEA L A M O ? N oT W E N T Y - T H R E EI S K I D O O ? N O

W I N W I T H W I L K I E ?- N o

T I M E F O RA C H A N G E ?- N o

54-40 OR FIGHT?-NOW I N S T O N T A S T ES G O O DL I K E A C I G A R E T T E - N O


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e p ic ke d up an ea r ly edi t ion of our d a i ly p a p e rfew weeks back, and w e r e s h o c k e d to read tha t

hadb e e nin oneh e c kof a big we

a la t e r ed i t ion of the s a m e p a p e r , we n o t e d in the s to ry . M ainly , it was n ' t s u ch a

9 SO THEN THESE CLOWNS CAMEOUTWITHTHE"DOUBLE FILTER "THEEXTRA KILTERWASSUPPOSED TOKEEPTHEHARMFUL INGRE DIENTS FROREACHING THE ORIGINAL FILTERh e c k u v a big coll is ion after all In fact, it wasn o t m u c h m o r e t h a nap a i n t s cr a tc h W h i c l r g o t usp r e t t y s o r e Not a b o u t the col l i s ion. Abou t thef a c t t h a t n e w s p a p e r s s u r e c h a n g e n e w s f r o m onee d i t i o n to the n e x t F ' r i n s t a n c e , h e r e is a t y p ica l news p ap e r ' s ea r ly edi t ion , which is calledTHE FIRST EDITIONR T I S T : G E O RG E W O O D B R I D G E W R I T E R : F R A N K J AC O B S

^ F I RS T E D I T IO N ^TA L L THE N E W STHAT FITS

TH E NEWYORKDRILY SPLASH W E A T H E RFair todayandtonight. Highinth e 70's, lo w 60.Vol. 46, No. 315 N o v e m b e r 2, 1959 P r i c e :5Ce n t s

M ASS SLAYER, 8 OTHERS ESCAPE SING SING

C o n v i c t e d m a s s - m u r d e r e r . M i k e M o s h o l u ( a b o v e )a n d 8 o th e r k i l l - c r a z y p r i s o n e r s b r o k e out of S i n gS i n g P r i s o n t o d a y .Thed a n g e r o u smenw e r e r e p o r t e dto h a v e m a d e t h e i r e s c a p e in a d e p a r t i n g g a r b a g et r u c k . M o s h o l u is b e l i e v e d to be the g a n g l e a d e r .T Y C O O N ' S SON M I S S I N G :K I D N A P P I N G IS F E A R E DBy Hermione Zi tz laff(Daily Splash Correspondent)F L Y S C R A T C H , T e n n . ,N o v. 2 - L i t t l e M e l vi n S t e r n -wal low, son of m i l l i o n a i r e ,E l i h u S t e r n w a l l o w , is m i s s i n g and p r e s u m e d k i d n a p p e d . The boy has notb e e n s e e n s i n c e e a r l y y e s t e r day.

M e l v in ' s d i s t r a u g h t p a r e n t s t o l d t h i s r e p o r t e r t h a tt h e boy left th e h o u s e y e s t e r d a y to see some f r ien ds .A ne ighbor , Miss SophieF r i m p , r e v e a l e d t o d a y t h a tshe 'd not iced a m y s t e r i o u sm a n in a b l a c k j a c k e t l o i t e r i n g n e a r the S t e r n w a l l o wm a n s i o n y e s t e r d a y . P o l i c ew o r k i n g on the c a s e w e r egiven an a c c u r a t e d e s c r ip t ion by M i s s F r i m p .So far,t h i s is the o n ly i m p o r t a n tc l u e t u r n e d up in the i n v e s t i g a t i o n .Melvin is the sole he i r tot h e S t e r n w a l l o w f o r t u n e .H i s f a t h e r , k n o w n as the" C u t - R a t e K i n g ," is o w n e rof s a * * * V f actoi*% m a n u ^

f a c t u r i n g w a r - s u r p l u s i t e m s ,i n c l u d i n g th e f a m o u s "Vee-b l e f e t z e r . "Pol ice be l ieve tha t thef a m i l y ' s w e a l t h may h a v eb e e n an i m p o r t a n t f a c t o rb e h i n d t h e k i d n a p p i n g . H o w e v e r , no r a n s o m n o t e s h a v ea s yet been rece ived.DinnertoHonor DailySPLASH Staff

T h e r e p o r t e r s , c o r r e s p o n d e n t s , and edi tor ia l s taff ofThe DAILY S L A S H will beh o n o r e d t o n i g h t at a specia ld i n n e r to be g i v e n by thep u b l i s h e r , O t t o C u l p e p p e r .The staff willbec i tedfor itse x c e l l e n t c o v e r a g e of local,n a t i o n a l and i n t e r n a t i o n a lnews.Specia l ment ion wi l l bem a d e of the m a n y e x c l u s i v en e w s s t o r i e s g a t h e r e d byThe S P L A S H reporters andc o r r e s p o n d e n t s t h r o u g h o u tt h e y e a r s .

CAIRO DESTROYEDBY ATOM IC ATTACKB U L L E T I N (Special toTheDaily Splash) Cairo,the capi tal of E g y p t and one of the world ' s g rea tci t ies, liesin ru ins today.A rep or t rece ivedin TheD A I L Y S P L A S H newsroom indicates that a t r e mendous blas t has wiped this ancient ci tyoff thefaceof the map .

A c c o r d i n g to a r e l i a b l es o u r c e ,an a t o m i c b o m bwast h e p r o b a b l e c a u s e of the des t r u c t i o n .It is notk n o w n asy e t who was r e s p o n s i b le fort h e b o m b i n g ,or the r e a s o n sbehind it.I n W a s h i n g t o n , U.S. offic i a l s w e r e e x p e c t e d to i s s u es t a t e m e n t s r e g a r d i n g theb o m b i n g at any m o m e n t .F o r t h c o m i n g a n n o u n c e m e n t sa r e a l s o e x p e c t e d f r o m M o s cow, London, and the U.N.H e a d q u a r t e r s h e r e in NewY o r k .T h e r e p o r t did not indi c a t e howm a n y p e o p l e h a v edied as a r e s u l t of the blas t .T h e f a t e of E g y p t i a n l e a d e rG a m e l A b d e l N a s s e r is alsou n c e r t a i n . S e v e r a l a t t e m p t sb y t h i s n e w s p a p e r to c o n t a c ti t s c o r r e s p o n d e n t s in Ca i r o ,so tha t more fac ts could bel e a r n e d , h a v e met only wi thf a i l u r e .In any case, The DAILYSPLASH p r e d i c t s t h a t t h i sb o m b i n g is likely to c h a n g et h e e n t i r e c o u r s e of the ColdW a r .

G O L D D IS C O V E R E DI N A R I Z O N ABy M o n r o e P i p p i t(Daily Splash Corresvondent)H O G S H E A D , A r iz . N o v . l -Gold was d i sc o v e r e d n e a rH o g s h e a d t o d a y , in an olda b a n d o n e d m i n e l o n g bel i eved p layed out. A h u g en u g g e t , p a r t of a r ich lode ,w a s s p o t t e d e a r l y t h i s m o r n in g by H i r a m F i l b r i c k ,whoo w n sa f a r m n e a r b y .A l t h o u g h e a r l y r e p o r t ss u p p l y l i t t l e i n f o r m a t i o n , iti s b e l ie v e d t h a t the rich golds t r i k e w i l l b r i n g t h o u s a n d so f p r o s p e c t o r s i n t o the a r e a .A r e l i a b l e s o u r c e s t a t e s t h a tthe newly discovered ve inm a y s t r e t c h for miles .A s a r e s u l t of his discove ry, F i lbr ick wi l l p robablybecome one of the r i c h e s tm e n in the s t a t e . At t o d a y ' sp r i c e s , an o u n c e of p u r egold is w o r t h a b o u t $ 3 5 . 0 0 .

Siteof big Arizona gold strike

Air Traffic Heavy Over BostonB O S T O N , M a s s . Nov. 2(Special to The Splash) T h e a m o u n tof airtraffic ove rBos ton was u n u s u a l l y h e a v yt o d a y , a c c o r d i n g to local


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MU,. . . UNTIL THE CIGARETTE BURNED DOWN, .-{4ND THE EXTRA KILTER STARTED BURNING. 9 u 0ND YOU GOT MUCH MORE HARMFUL IRRITANTS VS/After the First Edition hits the streets, anewspaper then finds ithas two very important things todo. Oneit has to come up w ithsome fresh news, evenif there doesn' t happen

to be any And twoit has to change all themistakes it made in the First Edition Thisis done by adding late information, subtracting m isinformation, and the n coming ou t with

T H E S E C O N D E D I T I O N* * S EC ON D E DIT IO NALL THE NEWSTHAT FITS

THE NEW YORK

DRILY SPLASHWEATHER

Partly Cloudy todaya n d tonight. High inth e 60's. lo w50-55.Vol. 46, No. 315 November 2, 1959 Price:5Cents

S T A T E W I D E S E A R C H ON FOR S I N G S I N G E S C A P E E S

T h is a b a n d o n e d a u t o m o b i l e ( a b o v e ) , f o u n d 3 5 m i l e snorth of S i n g S i n g P r i s o n ,iss u s p e c t e d of b e i n g t h eg e t a w a y car u s e d by f o u r c o n v i c t s w h o r e p o r t e d l yv a u l t e d t h e p r i s o n w a l l t o d a y . M i k e M o s h o l u , p r e v i o u s l y b e l i e v e d t o b e t h e g a n g l e a d e r , w a s d i s c o v e r e din the pr i so n hos p i ta l , su f fer ing from the m u m p s .

F.B. I .T0 BE SUM M ONEDIN KIDNAPPING CASE

42

By Hermione Zi tz laff(Daily Splash Correspondent)F L Y S C R A T C H , T e n n .N o v. 2 - T h e F e d e r a l B u r e a uo f I n v e s t i g a t i o n ma y becalled in to help solvetheS t e r n w a l l o w k i d n a p p i n gc a s e , itw a s a n n o u n c e d h e r et o d a y . Bu t Pol ice wor kingon thecase d on' t thin kso.U n d e r the l a w , the F .B.I ,ca n be s u m m o n e d a f t e r 24h o u r s in a k i d n a p p i n g .Meanwhile , Pol ice havec h e c k e d o u t t h e " m y s t e r i o u sm a n in the b l a ck j a c k e t "seen bya n e i g h b o r n e a r t h eS t e r n w a l l o w h o u s e y e s t e r d a y . H e t u r n e d o u t t o b e t h eb o y ' s f a t h e r , w h o w a s c a r r y i n g o u t t h e g a r b a g e .T h e w h e r e a b o u t s o f y o u n gMelvin, miss ing s ince yes t e r d a y , h a s c o n t i n u e d t o baff l e a u t h o r i t i e s . I n v e s t i g a t i o nh a s r e v e a l e d t h a t t h e b o yisn o r e l a t i o n to E l i h u S t e r n wal low, the mi l l ionai re man u f a c t u r e r of w a j ^^ * i ] u s

goods . Melvin 's fa ther isM a x S t e r n w a l l o w , a cheese c a k e t a s t e r w h o m a k e s $ 8 5a week, when he 's working.P o l i c e a r e e x p e c t e d tocheckthe i r f i l es for men wi thc r i m i n a l r e c o r d s who arek n o w n c h e e s e c a k e e a t e r s ,fo ralead.Publisherto Speaka tDaily SPLASH Dinner

O t t o Cu l p e p p e r , p u b l i s h e rof The DAILY SPLASH, announced th a t he wi ll addr esst h e s p e c i a l d i n n e r to beg i v e n t o n i g h t h o n o r i n gthen e w s p a p e r ' s staff." I p e r s o n a l l y w a n t toe xp r e s s m y a p p r e c i a t i o n t o t h estaff for The DAILY SPLASH Se x c e l l e n t c o v e r a g e of then e w s , " s t a t e d C u l p e p p e r ." T h i s is the finest crewofr e p o r t e r s , c o r r e s p o n d e n t sa n d e d i t o r s I h av e e v e r h a dt h e p l e a s u r e of w o r k i n gwitl

WORLD AWAITS FATEOF BOM BED CAIROTh e en t i r e wo r ld to d ay awai ted fu r th er d e tai ls concerning the fate ofCairo, which was r epo r ted d es t ro y ed th i s mo rn in g . Apparen t lytheblast, which may have been anatom ic exp losion,has crippled allradio and te legrap h faci li t iesinth e Eg y pt ian capi ta l . . , .A t al l e v e n t s , as of thism o m e n t , Ca i r o a p p e a r s t o b ecu t off f r o m t h e r e s t of t h eworld.N e w s of the holocaus t ,which was f i rs t car r iedbyThe DAILY SPLASH, hast h r o w n the m a j o r p o w e r s

into a s t a t e of c a u t i o u ssil ence . Asy e t , now o r dhascome f rom a ny of the wor ld 'si m p o r t a n t c a p i t a l s .It isb e l i e v e d t h a t b o t h W a s h i n g t o nand Moscow are wai t ing fort h e o t h e r to m a k e the firstc o m m e n t .I t is not known who w asr e s p o n s i b l e fort h e b l a s t ,ort h e r e a s o n s b e h i n d it. TheDAILY SPLASHS military exp e r t , G e n e r a l H o w a r d M a r -l in, U.S.A. ( re t . ) susp ec tst h a t a plane flying a t an ext r e m e l y h i g h a l t i t u d e c o u l dhave bombed the c i ty wi tho u t b e i n g d e t e c t e d . Healsooffers the poss ibi l i ty th a tt h e b o m b m a y h a v e b e e nane x p e r i m e n t a l I n t e r - C o n t i n e n t a l B a l l i s t i c M i s s il e( I CBM ) w i t h an a tomicwarhead, which somebodylaunched accidenta l ly.

ARIZ. GOLDSTRIKE HUGEb y M o n r o e P i p p i t

(Daily Splash Correspondent)H O G S H E A D , A r i z . , N o v .2The gr e a t H ogshead GoldS t r i k e t h r e a t e n e d to r e a c he p i c p r o p o r t i o n s t o d a y .T h o u s a n d s of p r o s p e c t o r sa r e e x p e c t e d toc o n v e r g e o nthis r ichly laden area momentar i ly. They wi l l joinf a r m e r H i r a m F i l b r i c k w h odiscovered a l a r g e v e i noft h e y e l l o w m e t a l y e s t e r d a y .A s a r e s u l t of the e a r l yedition DAILY SPLASH scoop,reveal ing the r ich f ind, hund r e d s of N e w Y o r k e r sarer e p o r t e d l e a v i n g t h e i r j o b st o d a y a n d h e a d i n g for A r i zona.It isb e l ie v e d t h a t t h esize of the A r i z o n a s t r i k ewil l equal or su rpass tha t oft h e g r e a t Ca l if o r n i a b o n a n z aof 1849. If so, then the onr u s h of gold-see ker s wi l lt u r n t h i s q u i e t c o m m u n i t yof 37 into a r o a r i n g b o o mt o w n .

Prospector leaves for ArizonaA c c o r d i n g to m a n y oldt i m e r s , t h i s is the g r e a t e s td a y forArizona s ince itbe came a s t a t ein

B o s t o n H i g h w a y s J a m m e dBO S T O N , M a s s . , Nov. 2,(Special to The Splash) H i g h w a y s l e a d i n g out ofBo s t o n h a v e b e e n u n u s u a l l ycrowded today, local officialsa n n o u n c e d . Th e l a r g ea m o u n t of ro ad t raffic followed an e a r l i e r r e p o r tofe x t r e m e l y h e a v y a ir trafficover the c i ty.


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g ' J " 0 N OW T H E Y ' R E C O M IN GO\ j j / WI TH HI NTS OF MI NT . .

After the Second Edition is distributed arou ndthe ci ty, the newspaper gets one more chanceto come up with some fresh news and correctall the mistakes it 's made in the two earlier

editions. This, of course, is twice ashard,since the mistakes in the First Edition haveonly been made worse in the Second EditionBut somehow, they always manage to publish

THE FINAL EDITION* * * FIN A L ED ITION * * * THE NEW YORKA L L T H E N E W STHAT FITS DRILV SPLRSH W E A T H E RRain tonight andtomorrow followedby hurricane winds.

Vol. 46, No. 315 November 2, 1959 P r i c e :5Cents

M A R T IA N S IN V A D E B O S T O NT H O U S A N D S JAM H I G H W A Y SA S F L Y I N G S A U C E R S L A N D

BO S TO N , Ma ss . , N ov. 2 (AP)-The e n t i r epopula t ion of Boston is f leeing for thei r l ivestoda y in t h e w a k e of a confirme d invasionf rom Ma rs .Early reports indicate that highways leading outof the terrorized city are packed with panic-stricken men, women and children.

T i d a l w a v e of terror a s f r a n t i c B o s t o n i a n s f l e e fromO u t - o f - S p a c e i n v a d e r s a c r o s s f a m e d B o s t o n C o m m o n .C O U P L E E L O P E SI N T E N N E S S E E

F L Y S C R A T C H , T e n n . N o v .2 (UP)-Mr. and Mrs . Bor isH e n d e r s h o t t o d a y a n n o u n c e dt h e m a r r i a g eoft h e i r d a u g h t e r , F a n n y to Mr. MelvinSte rnwal low, 35 , son of M r .a n d M r s . M a x S t e r n w a l l o w .The couple had e loped ear lyy e s t e r d a y .S H O R T C I R C U I TS E T S OFF A L A R MO S S I N I N G , N . Y . , Nov. 2,(AP)A shor t c i rcu i t accid e n t a l l y set off the SingS i n g p r i s o n a l a r m h e r et o d a y , bu tofficials re p or te dt h e r e was no p a n i c . Thec a u s e , a t h u m b t a c k h o l d in g

u p a p in - u p p i c t u r e of V e r aHruba Rals ton, was quicklyr e m o v e d . T h e r e h a v e b e e nno escap es f rom Sing S ingPr ison for the p a s t f o u ry e a r s .D A I L Y S P L A S HS T A F F F I R E DThe ent i re s taff of The

DAILY S P L A S H was disc h a r g e d t o d a y byO t t o Cu l p e p p e r , t h e n e w s p a p e r ' s p u b l i sher . This includes thep a p e r ' s e d i t o r s , r e p o r t e r sa n d c o r r e s p o n d e n t s .C u l p e p p e r s t a t e d t h a t t h er e a s o n fort h e m a s s - d i sm i s sa l was" p o o r j u d g m e n t inw r i t i n g and e d i t i n g n e w ss t o r i e s . "H e a l s o a n n o u n c e d t h a tt h e d i n n e r t o n i g h t h o n o r i n gThe DAILY S P L A S H staff hadbeen calledoff.

C A I R O B E G I N SC I V I C C E N T E RC O N S T R U C T I O N

CAIRO, 111., Nov. 2 (AP) W o r k m e n t o d a y b e g a nb l a s t i n g o p e r a t i o n s as theCityof Cai ro, I l l inois , inau g u r a t e d i t s p r o g r a m to t e a rd o w n s e v e n t e e n old t e n e m e n t sinp r e p a r a t i o n f or t h ec o n s t r u c t i o n of a new CivicC e n t e r , to be c o m p l e t e d in1968.F A R M E R F I N D SG O L D T O O T HH O G S H E A D , A r i z . , N o v .2(INS) - Hir am Fi lbr ick,o w n e r of a smal l fa rm ne arhere , found his miss ing goldtooth today,in anold aba ndoned mine . F i lbr ick,whohad los t the tooth las t weekwhen he smacked into an olds h o r i n g t i m b e r in t h e m i n e ,f igures he was p re t ty luckyto find it at a l l . " I t ' s p r e t t y

d a r k int h e r e , y' k n o w "hes t a t t

T h e M a r t i a n s l a n d e d inf o r c e t h i s m o r n i n g , a r r i v in g in a fleet of flyings a u c e r s e s t i m a t e d at m o r et h a n 1 0 0 0 . F o r s e v e r a l h o u r s ,t h e h u g e c i r c u l a r s p a c ecraf ts hovered over the c i ty,blas t ing key points wi th de s t r u c t i v e r a y s .I t isnot known how manya r e d e a d a s t h e r e s u l tofthiss u r p r i s e a t t a c k b u t e s t i m a t e sr u n i n t o the h u n d r e d s oft h o u s a n d s . The c i ty isr a p i d l y b e c o m i nga d e s e r t e d ,c h a r r e d w a s t e ase v e r y c a r ,t r u c k and bus c a p a b l e ofc a r r y i n g p e o p l e , h e a d soutof the ci ty.The saucers , which landeda t i m p o r t a n t s t r e e t i n t e r sec t ions , each car r ied ana r m y of a li e n c r e a t u r e s .E a c h of t h e s e i n t e r p l a n e t a r y i n v a d e r s was a r m e dw i t h a d e a t h - d e a l i n g rayg u n .So far, Boston isthe onlycity on E a r t h to be t h r e a t e n e d by th eM a r t i a n f o r c e .E v e r y n e w s p a p e r , and allT V and r a d i o s t a t i o n st h r o u g h o u t the wor ld we rea l e r t e d to the d a n g e r t h i sm o r n i n g .


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A COOL YULE PEPT.Back in the 19th Century, when ClementMoore wrote "A Visit From St. Nicholas,"it was very popular among the younger set.Today 's younger se t , unfor tunate ly , can ' tappreciate i t because they speak a totallydifferent language called "Hip Talk." So,in order to revive i ts popularity, here 's

LB WISSSilA Itait Jfarnt

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house.Nota creature was stirring, not evena mouse;The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds.While visionsof sugar-plums danced in their heads;And mama in her 'kerchief, and Iin my cap,Had just settled down foralong winter's nap.When out on the lawn there arose suchaclatter,I sprang from my bedto see what was the matterAway to the window Iflew likea flash,Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snowGavealustreofmid-day to objects below,When,what to my wondering eyes should appear.Buta miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.Witha little old driver, so lively and quick,I knew ina moment it must be St. Nick.M ore rapid than eagles his coursers they came.And he whistled, arid shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Dasher Now, Dancer Now, Prancer and VixenOn, Comet OnCupid On Donder and BlitzenTo the top of the porch To the top of the wal lNow dash away Dash away Dash away all "

MADS UPThe Night

Twas the night before Christmas, and a ll through the padNot a hipster was swinging,n oteven old Dad;The chimney was draped in that stocking routine,In hopes that "The Fat Man" would soon make th escene;

The moon and the snow were, like, faking together,Which made th e scene rock in the Day People weather,When, what to these peepers should come on real queer,But a real crazy sleigh, and eight swinging reindeer,44 AR TIST : WALLAC E WO O D


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# . . . A N D J U S T ATOUCHOF MILD MENTHOL . .

W MAD HIP VERSION

e wee cats were laid out all cool in th eir beds,e sounds of the "Sugar Blues" w ailed through their heads;y chick in her "Cas tro," and me on the floor,d just conked out cold fora forty-wink snore,

to &i'*EuMA.M P>i* HfcftOTf*When out of left field there came on such a ribble,I broke from my sack to see what was this dribb leTo the glasspane I cut like a B-Western movie,Tuned in on the action, and, Man, wasitgroovy

With a hopped-up old driver on some frantic kick,I was hip in a flash thatitmust be St. Nick.Much faster than"Bird" blew, this group was no drag,And he rocked, and he rolled, and he pegged them by tag:

"Like, Dasher L ike, Dancer Like, Prancer and VixenGo,Comet Go, Cupid Go,Donder and BlitzenFly over the shack Makeitover the padNow cut ou t, Man Cut out,Man Cut out like mad "

4 5


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As dry leaves that before the wil d hurricane f ly ,When they meet with an obstacle mount to the sky,So up to the house-top the coursers they fle w,With the sleigh fu ll of toys and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twin kle , I heard on the roofThe prancing and paw ing ofeachlittlehoof.As I drew in myhead,and was turning around,Down the chimney St. Nicholas came wi th a bound.Hewas dressed a ll in fur, from his head to his foo t,And his clothes were all tarnish ed w ith ashes and soot;Abundle of toys he had flung on his back.And he looked like a peddiar just opening his pack.

His eyeshow they twin kle d His dimples how me rryHis cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherryHis droll li ttle mouth was drawn up like a bow,And the beard of his chin was as whiteasthe snow;The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;He had a broad face and a littl e round b elly,That shook, when he laughed, like a bow lful of jellyHe was chubby and plum p, a right jolly old elf,And I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself;Aw ink of his eye and a twist of his head,Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread ;He spoke not a word, but went s traight to his w ork,And filled all the stockings,- then turned w ith a jerk ,And laying his finger aside of his nose,And giving a nod , up the chimney he rose;Hesprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,And away they al l flew like the down of a thistle.But I heard him exc laim, ere he drove out of sig ht,"Happ y Christmas to all And to all a good -night "

As sidemen in combos pick up as they stomp,When they sw ing with the beat of a Dixieland Romp,So up to the top of my bandstand they fle w,With the sleigh full of loot, and St. Nicholas, too.

His lidsMan, they sizzled His dimples were smilesHis cheeks were like "Dizzy's," his beak was like "Miles' "His puckered-up mouth was, like, blow ing fla t E,And his chin hid behind a real crazy goatee

He blew not asound,but skipped fight to his gig,And stashed all the stock ings, then came on real big,And flashinga sign,like that old "Schnozzle" bit,And playing it hip, up the chimney he split;


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HIP VERSIOH J.VII,,i.- i THEYRE EVEN POKING MILLIONS OFtfl l e HOLES IN THE CIGARETTE PAPER^ 2 - / SO YOU SHOULD INHALE AIR . . .

Andthen,in a quickriff, I dug on the roofThe jum pin' andjivin'of each swinging hoof.As I pulled in my noggin, and turned around fast,Down the chimney came Nick like a hot trump et b last.

He was wrapped up to kill,Man,And his rags were, like, way ou t Pops He wasa gasserAsack fu ll of goodies hung down to histail,And he looked like a postman with "Ba sie's " fan mail.

The tip ofa butt he had snagged in his choppers,And he tooka few drags just like all cool be-boppers;He hadaweird face, and a solid reet middleThat bounced when he cracked, likeagutbucket fiddle

He was shaking with meat, meaning he was no square,And I flipped, 'cause I'd always thought he was "longhair"But the gl int in his eye and the beat in his touchSoon gave me the message this cat was "too mu ch"

He flew to his skids, to his group blew a lick, But I heard him sound off, with a razz-a-ma-tazz:And they cut out realcool,on a wild frenzied kick. "A cool Christmas to all, and, like, all of that jazz " 4 7


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DO N M AR TIN DEPT. PART I I IA I M , VKNOW. THE TOBACCO INDUSTRY ISL 3 THE ONLY INDUSTRY IN AMERICA THAT'S3 u p SLOWLY BUT SUKKLY ELIMINATING THEV S / PRODUCT IT SELLS . . . THE SMOKE

A nd no w , for his pa rt in g sh ot, Don M ar t in tel ls w ha t i t feels l ike to be . . .


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YOUR CHRISTMAS

mad magazine january 1960

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